Stephen youre wearing lavender and Peach Blossom perfume. No, sir. I think thats the glade plugin youre smelling. laughter stephen ah, yes, freshness all day. Still hunting President Trump . Do you know him . Stephen i do. We were golfing buddies once. We ate our caddy, turned him into a taco bowl with a nice diet coke. Pfpfpfpfpfpf. laughter doctor, what can you tell me about the president . Stephen you already have the answers. What is his nature . What does he do, this man you seek . Hes hes an idiot who says the first thing that comes to mind. Stephen no, that is incidental. Quid pro quo, clarice. Tell me your worst memory of the election. One night, on a tuesday, donald trump won the presidency, and then i heard a strange noise. It sounded like a scream, like some kind of screaming. Stephen what did you do . I crept into the living room. The tv was on. I was so scared. So scared. Msnbc, the anchors, they were crying. They were crying. Stephen thank you, clarice. Now its your turn, doctor, quid pro quo. Stephen what evidence do you have on donald trump so far . Well, the 12 indictments against manafort and gates, sir. Flynn pleading guilty. Kremlin intermediaries reaching out to the trump campaign. Unreported meetings with the russian ambassador. The meeting between donald trump jr. And the russian lawyer. The messages between donald trump, jr. And wikileaks. Trump calling on russia to find clintons missing emails, sir. Stephen wait, what . Seriously, you have all that already . What do you need me for . I want to come in there with you. laughter stephen you know i eat people, right . Its kind of my thing. Yeah, but it seems safer in there than it does out here. laughter stephen very well. Can i eat your kidney . I got two. I dont see why not. Stephen okay, great, ill fire up the grill its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes jodie foster with a special appearance by tom hanks and run the jewels. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause thank you very much. Thank you hey, everybody please, youre very kind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause very nice, very nice group of people. Happy friday, everybody. Doesnt it feel great . cheers and applause getting so close. Getting close to the end of the year, and everybodys working on their resolutions. Mine is for america to knuckle down and maybe pick our own president next time. cheers and applause donald trump donald trump donald trump continues to deny any russian interference in the 2016 election. Now, the Washington Post published a massive article yesterday, and we learned that in january trumps advisers begged him to accept the findings of the Intelligence Community about russian interference. As one aide remembers, this was part of the normalization process. There was a big effort to get him to be a standard president. Good luck laughter if you can get him to accept that russia hacked the election, see if you can get him to accept who won the civil war. laughter jon oh oh cheers and applause stephen im not sure. Im not sure. But trump is far from standard. I mean, hes one of a kind. Though, i will say, eric does look kind of like a failed clone. laughter maybe someone spilled a little bleach in the petri dish or something. Im not sure. After trump was told his own cabinet members had already backed the intelligence report, trump shot back, so what . Admitting that the kremlin had hacked Democratic Party emails, he said, was a trap. And Mitch Mcconnell agreed. Its a trap laughter stephen and applause yeah. Got to. Got to. He looks good i got to say, he looks good. Jon he looks good. Stephen i dont know. He got a tan somewhere along the line. And nearly a year into his presidency, trump has never convened a cabinetlevel meeting on russian interference or what to do about it though, he and Michael Flynn did once get together to shop for thank you cards. Ive got one right here. Thank you for putin me in office. And cheers and applause thats nice. Thats very nice. The post article also claims that privately, Vladimir Putin is thrilled. For one, its estimated that the whole plan cost less than 500,000 to execute. That is nothing to him. Putin is reportedly the richest man in the world. He spends more than that on chest wax and nipple sharpeners. laughter of course he can kill you with his nipple. Dont dont dont think thats not true. Of course, there may be a reason trump doesnt care about preserving our democracy. Its that he doesnt know how to vote. You see, last month in new york, here in the city, we had an election for mayor, and the president voted absentee, but his ballot did not count because he got his own birthday wrong. laughter i tell you, i cant remember when i was born. I demand that i release my long form birth certificate. I think i was born in kenya. Thats what im hearing. People are telling me. Its got to be. cheers and applause i i got i dont i i no idea if that has anything to do with that. Now, heres the thing trump was born on june 14, 1946, but his ballot application lists his birth month as july. So he made himself a full month younger. Watch out, ladies laughter seriously, watch out. Hes a monster. laughter dont go near him. Hell grab you. cheers and applause but heres the crazy thing trump isnt the only member of his family who doesnt know how to vote because melania, ivanka, and jareds Mayoral Election votes also did not count melania incorrectly wrote in her address. Under county, the first lady wrote in u. S. A. Rather than new york. Then she failed to sign the inner envelope not to mention what she put on the outer envelope. laughter applause its like those notes you get in chinese toys. And ivanka did not mail her ballot until election day. Im sure theyll get it in time, because i dont know how mail works. laughter i made no attempt to do an impression of her, none at all. laughter as for jared kushner, he failed to even bother to send his in. Its too bad. It might have been his last chance, because i dont think they let you vote from prison. cheers and applause jon cold blooded stephen do they . I dont think they do. Jon i dont think they do. Stephen of course, the holidays are upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and one of my favorite parts is christmas movies, whether its miracle on 34th street, or a christmas story, or Martin Scorseses shutter island. laughter they never explicitly say it doesnt take place during christmas. laughter and in recent years, theres been a slew of new christmas cinema. Im talking about the romantic tv movies put out by lifetime and hallmark with titles like hitched for the holidays, and 12 dates of christmas, a princess for christmas, a bride for christmas, and a boyfriend for christmas. If you watch them all in a row, you might need a lobotomy for christmas. laughter but you have got to be careful with your binge because netflix had a viral tweet about their own film, writing, to the 53 people whove watched a christmas prince every day for the past 18 days who hurt you . laughter they they thats that is thats funny because they watch everything we do. But i mean, i get it. It would be crazy for someone to watch a christmas prince every day. I mean, how many times do you need to see the story of amber, a careeroriented Young Journalist who travels to the european nation of aldovia and goes undercover as a tutor for the royal familys young daughter, only to find herself falling in love with the misunderstood and sensitive prince who she loves for who he is, unlike that ambitious lady sofia. And, oh, my god, its makeover time and amber looks so gorgeous in her ball gown, but of course shes wearing sneakers underneath because shes still a little bit rock n roll. And then the christmas prince finds out shes really a journalist, and she gets caught up in aldovias bitter succession scandal, which is the story of the century, but she cant use the christmas prince to further her career, to further her career, and its, like, will she choose her job, or the christmas prince, or can she have it all . cheers and applause my heart is racing. You cant youd have to be crazy to be obsessed with that. laughter but the netflix tweet went viral, so its only a matter of time before other Big Companies start using our information to make fun of us. Pretty soon, well get a tweet from amazon that says, dave johnson of eau claire, wisconsin, just ordered a subpar leaf blower. What a dingus. laughter and this ad from google home hey, brian, we only recorded you and beth having sex once this month. Everything okay . laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Jodie foster is here. cheers and applause and we have a special, never beforeseen comedy bit with mr. Tom hanks. Plus, the premiere of my Christmas Song with run the jewels. Stick around try the deoderant saving millions of clothes. Degree ultraclear black white. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. Try degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. Wake up early, o. Slap on some cologne im 85 and i wanna go home just got a job as a lifeguard in savannah im 85 and i wanna go home dropping sick beats, they call me dj nana 85 and i wanna go dont get mad. Get e trade, kiddo. Oh, its actually. Sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx balloon squeals goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. Ross has all the home trends for kitchen, living room and bedroom for a fraction of what youd pay elsewhere. For the latest home trends, at big savings youve gotta go to ross. Ross is going all out. All outdoors that is. Youll find everything you need to make your outdoor space your favorite place. And if you want it all for a fraction of what youd pay elsewhere, you gotta go to ross. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, happy friday. Im happy to say, my first guest tonight is a twotime Academy Awardwinning actress and director who has been captivating audiences for over five decades. Please welcome jodie foster. applause cheers and applause thats a nice audience. Stephen they are a lovely audience. Not like some of those other places. Stephen oh, no, no, this is the best audience in television right here. cheers and applause wow. Stephen thanks for being here. Its lovely to meet you. Oh, my gosh, so much fun. Im a big fan. I watch you all the time. Stephen oh, thank you very much. Im a big fan of yours as well. Mostly on my phone. I watch most of it on my phone. Stephen sure, sure. Thats what people do these days. Stephen i like that because its smaller and looks like i lost weight. laughter a lot of people i mean, weve been watching you in the public eye since you were the coppertone baby . I was at three. Stephen at three years old. I was. Well, i just did the commercial in the 60s and there you know, the advertisement with the little girl im not a billboard. Just in case you were wondering. Stephen all right. Im just the television baby. Stephen just the television baby. Okay, well, could have gotten it. laughter but weve been watching you for, you know, in various forms on various media for 50 years. The movie that a lot of people know you from, or best got to know you was silence of the lambs which was made in 1991. Yup. cheers and applause stephen when is the last time you watched that movie . Ah, i guess it was a couple of years ago. My sons hadnt seen it. They were having some kind of celebration, and they they had a 35millimeter print in a beautiful old theater so we all saw it in the real theater. Stephen had they not seen it because you didnt want them to see this movie, or they didnt want to see the movie . They were too young. My older one, i think, had snuck in, was able to see it, but my little one stephen because its really scary. I guess it is. laughter i guess so. Thats what people say. Stephen yeah. I dont see it. But, yes. Stephen you dont see the scary part . No. Stephen at no point. Just because you were in it and you saw how it was made and you were like, no, i get him in the end. Yeah, its kind of like that. Stephen we all know youre going to get him in the end and we all think its scary, right . Yes stephen yeah. Its interesting because theres less violence and blood and all that other kind of stuff than you see normally these days but it still gets you. Stephen Hannibal Lecter does cut a mans face off and wear it as his own face. That is true. Stephen its not exactly disney. laughter Anthony Hopkins, of course, is Hannibal Lecter, a wonderful performance. Was he was he intimidating on set . Was he, like, kind of method, always sort of in his creepy character . Well, he scared me to death mostly because he i i did the first part of the movie without him there. So i had never really met him. I had only met him around a table and we were never able to talk and having heard him do a rehearsal, i just never wanted to talk to him again. laughter and they had these this glass partition between lecter and clarice. Stephen sure. So they had to screw him in to his cell block on the very first day, so i never got to talk to him. And we did the very first scene without being able to speak to each other, and he really scared me again. And so then i was just was like we never spoke to each other during the shoot, really. Stephen wow. And when you see him now . Well, the last day of shooting, i was eating a tuna fish sandwich which is the part i remember and he said, i said, well, you know, you scared me. And he said, you scared me laughter stephen why did you scare him . Do you know . I dont know im not sure. Im not sure. Maybe thats a little telling about Anthony Hopkins. Stephen he may be afraid of West Virginia accents. That was one of the things as someone who grew up in the south, that accent is spot on. Is it . Stephen its exactly right. You must have gotten kudos for that, right . I guess so. I mean, character is a full thing its the little sweater, big hair. Stephen i have to write that down, little sweater. laughter so youve been making movies for over 50 years. Do they still do movies still wow you . Youre a director yourself, now. Youve been an actor for many years or do you look at the movie and go, i know how they made that. No, im especially wowed by actors. I just i dont know how they do it. Every time i do a movie as a director and my actors come forward and they just bring so much to the table. Im always just im in awe of what they do, and then i forget that i do that, too. laughter stephen funny you should say that, because i had a chance to meet Anthony Hopkins in los angeles this fall for just a moment. We talked for maybe ten minutes. And i immediately asked him about how he started off. And he told me about doing the lion in winter which was his first movie with peter otoole and Katharine Hepburn. And he said the very first day, the very first scene, Katharine Hepburn said, do you want some advice about how to act . And she gave him advice about how to work on camera. Do you do that . Like, do you work with someone who has never been on camera before and say, this is how you have to do it. Oh, yes. I work with people all the time who had never been on camera. And im a terrible person to ask because i started very young, i never went to juilliard. I feel like i dont have any credentials as an actress. laughter stephen only work. Yeah thats it. I sort of, you know, learned on the job. And i have my own way of doing things. And i you know, sometimes my advice is like, you know, make sure you sit down because if you stand up for too long, your feet are going to hurt. laughter thats really all i have to contribute. Stephen welcome to my master class. laughter pretty much. Stephen now, youre a private person, which is a good thing, you know, if youre in the public eye to keep your person life private. But if you dont mind me getting a tiny peek in there. Sure. Stephen what do you do for fun . Whats jodie foster doing for fun . What do i do for fun . I really like football. Stephen really . Which is strange. Im almost embarrassed. Stephen what position do you play . Ah. I try not to play. I do you know, i have a bunch of nerf balls that i do throw around. Stephen who is your team . Green bay. Stephen okay. Not having a great year. Stephen do you have a relationship to green bay . I think thats a little too personal, actually. laughter i really love the cheese heads. I like to wear those. Stephen sure, who doesnt . And, you know, i like fantasy. I like the fantasy. I like all the alerts in my pocket, and i like strategizing. Stephen do you play fantasy football . Yeah. I didnt play this year. Theres a lot going on in politics and there are only so many anxieties and emergencies i can handle. laughter so i was dedicating myself to applause stephen and football was your way away from that. Yeah, so i just wanted to have this year football is second and, you know, trumplandia is first. laughter stephen you went to a school where you had to learn french when you were younger, didnt you . Yes. Stephen what was that school, was that sacred heart . It was lycee francas de los angeles. Stephen okay, thats fancy. Do you keep it up . I do. I have friends who live there, and my nieces and nephews live there, so i speak french with them. I mean, theres not much you can do in los angeles speaking french unless you run into french people. So, maybe when im playing football all by myself i just, you know speaking french stephen have you seen translations of your movies into french and gone in french accent thats not what its like at all . I actually dubbed my movies in french most of my life. Stephen you do your own how . How do you say silence of the lambs in french . Le silence des agneaux. Stephen its not as scary. No, it doesnt really work. Stephen sounds like a delicious dish. laughter tonight, we have the silence of the lambs. laughter the lamb is very quiet because it is dead. laughter but so delicious. applause um, weve got to take a little break, but well be right back with more jodie foster. Stick around, everybody. Are cream conditioners bringing your hair down . Switch to new pantene light as air foam conditioner, full of rich prov nutrients. For 100 conditioning, 0 weight. New pantene. 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You grew up in the public eye. You grew up in hollywood. There is sort of a public awakening because of the Metoo Movement and some of the abuses in hollywood. Do you see this as a moment that you think can change what the culture is like in making movies, making television, and the way women are treated or marginalized or objectified . Well, its an extraordinary moment in history. It really is. Its a watershed moment. And not just affecting the film industry. Of course, its every industry, every workplace. Um. I really hate sound bites. Im not good at sound bites. Im somebody who talks for a really long time, hours and hours and hours and hours. Stephen well edit you. So, i havent really wanted to add yet another opinion into the mix because i feel like now we really need people need to id love to hear complexity about it. And cheers and applause i feel like theres stephen what is the complexity . What do you mean, differentiation between different well, what now . You know . Whats the next step . I think justice via twitter was important in the beginning, and certainly to finally hear voices of women moving forward and embracing feminism and womens studies has obviously been around for a while, but now i really want to hear i want to hear the next step about, you know, what are we going to do . How are we all stephen do you have any idea of what it should be . If you could wave a wand, what would the next step be . I think if weve learned from other social justice movements, its that you cant attack a problem by doing just one thing. It cant just be legislation. It cant just be rules. Because somebody gets a rule, a rule that says, you know, blacks can vote, and theyre like, oh, well yesterday they couldnt. I dont accept that. I think that theres i think that you have have to have a number of different ways that the culture changes. So, if there was, like, a summit where we all got together and shared all of our stories and were able to, in a really complicated way, talk about the dynamics that weve all grown up with, that the things that made us who we are, that made us men, that made us women, i mean, that would be a good thing. applause stephen thats a long process. Yeah. Stephen that will be a long, long process. Its a long process. But, you know, i really i really love i really admired desmond tutus truth and reconciliation after apartheid, that idea that, you know, the injustices had happened for so long, and theyd been so deep, and had so many hundreds of years, that the kind of healing that you needed to have, had to happen between people and neighborhoods and people coming together and telling both sides of the story. And being able to look somebody in the face and hold their hand, and i think thats whats missing, really, is a the other side of the equation. Stephen well, right now, were hearing some of the truth. I dont know where the reconciliation happens. Yeah, me, too. Stephen what is the road to reconciliation . Because right now it is someone is credibly accused, thankfully the women are believed, and then and presently, the person who is accused of it, for all we know, has just disappears. Where does the reconciliation happen . Well, thats when we saw all these beautiful narratives by incredibly articulate actresses, for example. I was just so proud of the women and, you know, really seeing the details of how they processed what had happened to them. And i would love to see the men on the other side. I would love to see how they could process understanding what their part in all of this was. Stephen whats happening right now certainly and the volume is heartening and the speed might be trawling over a problem again. Right. I mean, there isnt probably a woman in this room, certainly or in the world who doesnt have a metoo story. And probably im just going to go out on a limb here i think mostly what women would like would be just for it to stop. They would just like it to not happen. cheers and applause so that they can so that that we can all go on and do things like, you know, win nobel prizes and stephen direct movies. Direct movies and be parents and have fun with the people that youre working with, the guys that youre working with. They would just like it to stop. Stephen well, you have directed some great movies and now youre directing an episode of black mirror. Yes stephen we have a clip here. Before we run the clip can you tell us what the episode is about . Oh uhoh yes. The clip the episode is about, like a lot of black mirror, all around the theme of technology. This is a motherdaughter story. A mother would like to keep her child safe. She has all of the paranoias that sometimes new parents have, and she would like she finds this device that allows her to figure out a way to keep her child safe, and it may require an implant stephen and she is going right now shes going for it. Stephen and shes going right now to the company to have her child chipped. You have a recommendation since sarah will be part of the trial period. Its been tested though, right . Of course. Shes not like a guinea pig. Yes, its all fully tested and perfectly safe. This is the fine tuning before the full launch. Look at the kids. Were getting feedback on which features their customers use most in the real world. Go up, yeah response so far is just incredible, sense of security, peace of mind. I mean, the stories weve been hearing, they are truly inspirational. Okay, then. applause stephen now, as a parent yeah, its creepy. Yeah, its creepy. But as a parent, you can understand the draw, right . Sure stephen right. G. P. S. The kid, sure. Stephen why not . Thats what cell phones are for. Thats true. Stephen just tell them youre always using find my iphone. Yeah. Well, black mirror is beautiful, a beautiful show. Its sort of like the Twilight Zone each episode is a different little movie, story, cast, place in the world. This particular one really feels like an indie film. My particular episode feels like a very small indie film about the complicated Little Details between a mother and a daughter. Stephen well, i look forward to it. Thank you so much for being here. Yeah. cheers and applause Stephen Black mirror returns to netflix december 29. Jodie foster, everybody fan of complexity. Stick around because im going to get inside a box with tom hanks. Seriously. Thank you seriously. Thank you but one blows themisturizer all out of the water. Hydro boost from neutrogena®. With hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. 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Chilis has 10 lunches for just 7 when was the last time you had a great lunch . Just 7 for 10 awesome lunches cause lunch is back, baby its chilis for lunch chilis is back, baby, back, baby, back mmmhmm or take chilis lunch to go baby, go, baby, go we cantwhy . Y here flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. To the late show. Look whos here. Its tom hanks, sitting in that seat. cheers and applause tom, you know i love interviewing you. Its fun, youre great, being on the couch and banter yeah, but everybody says, you know stephen. I say ive done his show. I dont really know him. I mean, ive done your show and i enjoy it, but were always trying to dazzle stephen obviously, we put on the faces for the faces that we meet. We have musical score and funny jokes. Like when i say something, the piano and the drums go badink. piano riff there you go. See . Just like that. applause . Stephen but you and i have become friends over the years. Yeah, yeah. Stephen weve met for french fries late at night. Weve done that. Stephen and you just cant be personal in a space like this. Its always show biz. Official record, yeah. Stephen but id love to talk with you in a personal way. I would love that. Stephen would you be interested in that . I would love that. Stephen in that case, for a personal private chat, lets go to the late shows personal space. Oh, great. cheers and applause laughter stephen okay, so ill make sure everything is okay . Okay, go ahead. laughter stephen yeah. It looks good. Come on in, tom. Hey, man. Stephen hey, how are you . Good to see you. cheers and applause i got to tell you. Stephen yeah . In all honesty, ive done a lot of talk shows with a studio audience and stuff like that. You have got the best studio audience of any show. cheers and applause im glad im glad we had this cheers and applause stephen oh, right. You probably think im sucking up to the crowd if i say it on the show. Stephen no, not at all. Its the sort of thing they might want to hear. Do you want to tell them . No, no, lets keep that between you and me. Stephen can i ask you some personal, private questions . Sure, bring them on. Stephen you have made a lot of emotional movies. Well, thats parent of the gig, yeah. Stephen yeah, its all about emotionality. Have you ever cried at one of your own movies . Well, in all honesty, yeah. I i made a movie called, um laughter a lot of times im in movies but i dont see the whole other aspects of it because other people are in it. Stephen right. I made a movie called cloud atlas that had all these other scenarios, and i found that very emotional every time i saw it. That really got me. Stephen thats a really good movie, and thats the true truth. Im throwing a kowtow right now. Its a major truetruth. Stephen you can cry a little bit right now, just let it out, just cry a little bit . At christmastime i was thinking about. laughter all the all the dogs ive had that havent made it to december. Stephen its terrible. Terrible. Im thinking of monty. Big soft eyes. What a boy he was. I miss him every single day. You know how that happens . Stephen yeah. Theyre not like members of your family. Theyre part of you yeah. laughter stephen tom . Yeah. Stephen you have really great pores. laughter hey, steve. Stephen yeah. From this angle your two eyes have melded into one. laughter can i have a little can i have a little eskimo kiss . cheers and applause i love you, Stephen Colbert. Stephen i love you, tom hanks. Tom, have you ever eaten at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company . laughter funny you should ask. This is hilarious. Stephen okay. I guess their busiest day of the year is memorial day. Stephen sure. And i went up i was hungry. I had the kids with me. And they were all asking they wanted some gulla shrimp, which is from very spicy, hot in the mouth shrimp they call it down in the gulla islands. Stephen sure, sure. I said, i know where to get that. We climbed the stairs up to a bubba gump shrimp stephen is this a true story . Yeah, they looked right at me and said, it will be a 45 minute wait, mr. Hanks. laughter cheers and applause they in all honesty, they were crowded. Stephen okay. They offered us some free sweet tea. Stephen do you want another mint . I could use one. Stephen sure, hold on. Ooh, great. laughter got it. Stephen okay, all right. Wow you know what . It smells like christmas in here now, doesnt it . Uhhuh. Stephen okay, bigger hero, jim lovell from apollo 13, ben bradlee the post . Oh, man. Well, i will say because only because on multiple occasions, jim lovell could have burned up into a billion particles during his fiery 250,000mileanhour reentry into from outer space into earth, to splashdown into the atlantic ocean. I would say that is slightly more badass than. Stephen than publishing the pentagon papers. Yeah, risky both sides. Risky both sides. Stephen okay. How about sully or woody . Bigger hero . Well, heres the deal woody is a pacifist, because there is no gun in that holster. Stephen did sully have a gun . laughter thats the implication of what youre saying. laughter theres some things im not at liberty to disclose to you. laughter stephen i understand. Last question bring it on. Stephen answer on three. Do you want to get out of this box . laughter one, two, three. Id like to stay right here for just a couple more minutes. laughter cheers and applause because i got to i dont have i dont have any questions for you, per se. Stephen okay. But i have made up a i had coup. Five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. Stephen i know how it works. Whats with this dumb box . laughter i thought we were just talking, but this bit has worked. cheers and applause stephen the post opens next friday. Tom hanks, everybody cheers and applause ive had three people try to eat me today. Three oh, lucky penny. Anyway, sometimes i wish i were human. Woahhhh. Look at me im human ha do you want to eat me . No. Do you want to eat me . No thanks. Would you like to eat me . Ha nobody wants to eat me im the luckiest. You dropped your lucky penny. Man, i look good. Youre still short and bald. Dontake an extra 15 offnts day weekend sale or an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more save on denim for the family fresh, new bath towels a healthy air fryer or a new piece of luggage. This weekend only at kohls. Try the deoderant saving millions of clothes. Degree ultraclear black white. No yellow stains on white clothes. 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And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show folks, you can feel it in the air, christmas is almost here. Its a magical season when you can tune out the rest of the world for just a little bit no politics, no enraging news, just family and friends focusing on what really matters, unhinging your jaw and swallowing a Honey Baked Ham like an anaconda. laughter i especially love holiday music, and not just the christmas kind. You might remember that, last year, i celebrated the spooky spirit of halloween with my original novelty song, the halloween wiggle. But, unfortunately, my crass friends, run the jewels, ruined it. Stick my face in the candy bar turn you around lick your hershey bleep stephen i was mad at those guys, and so was hershey. But were all good now. And to prove theres no hard feelings, i invited killer mike and elp back to help me get into the Christmas Spirit with our brand new holiday song, jingle jingle, santa party. So, get ready for Family Friendly cheer. I love snow and i love sleigh bells love singing carols and boy, i love sleigh bells its a jingle, jingle santa party jingle, jingle, jingle santa party christmastime the merriest time of all theres gingerbread and tasty eggnog candy canes and yummy yule logs christmas has treats up the wazoo but the best christmas treat is being with you hohohoho sheeple wake the bleep up wake the bleep up wake the bleep up yeah, yeah, r. T. J. Run the jewels pick up a brick put your eggnog down. Your country is being run by an orange bleep clown let me break it down for how your stocking is getting stuffed white kids getting presents black kids getting cuffed no prancer, no dancer just sessions plus Bannon Rudolph the red neck bleep face klansman the north pole better speak north korean the president might tweet us into atom bomb season well, youve got a point the world can be frightful hey, theres santa and hes delightful lets be merry not pout or grimace so stuff your stocking and forget for five minutes laughter aint no chestnuts roasting on the souls in the flames congratulations mankind youre bleep insane the hair is made of smog and the earth is getting bleep were at war every day thats a drone not a sleigh facebook reminder time to go out and shop your government is infiltrated by russian black ops christmas so white like the nazi altright and theyre caroling with torches violent and deadly night laughter stephen fair point, but theres also. Sitting by the fire and sharing conversation trimming the tree its a magical creation put politics aside for just one night the whole familys here so try to keep it light laughter run the jewels run the jewels eh, eh, eh run the jewels eh, eh, eh run the jewels come on joy to the world will never come we bleep in santas sack santas my bitch creepy crackerass witch quit spying on the kids you a perv, eat bleep im a parumpapummel the bleep out of kris kringle emancipate the elves make mrs. Claus single bleep your sleigh drop kick frostys head and burn down your shop why not . Were all dead laughter personally, i think this holiday is super and its really silly to be a party pooper no need to be angry no need to be mean we can deal with those issues in 2018 kiss me by the mistletoe when its moonlit step off, gramps thats some creepyass bleep how about some messages of mirth and glee . Trumps next bleep tweet could start world war iii well, okay, guys if rappings the game then check it out i can do the same christmas is cool its a Great Holiday for the reasons i said and the ones i didnt say so kick up your heels on your jingle bell sled and cherish the moment bleep laughter hey, dude, you just brought it way down. Stephen i was rapping my truth. It was too real. Too real. Stephen he called santa his bitch he did. Stephen thats worse. You said hershey bleep . A year ago. Stephen it doesnt matter, you still said it. Stop bringing it up, stephen. cheers and applause stephen merry christmas, everybody well be right back. Pg e, this is jerris, how may i help you today . I help customers with their bills. Theres different rates to fit different needs, so listening is a huge part of my job. Because customers want to know that you hear them. They have kids, they have families, they have priorities. I definitely understand that. I have three children, i was a stay at home mom, i didnt have money to pay the bills, and so i put myself in their shoes. And im going to do all that i can to lower their bills and to help their situation. To choose the rate plan that works best for your family, visit pge. Com rates. Together, were building a better california. Stephen thats it for the late show. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cheers and applause good night, first lady melania. James but its only 3 00 p. M. laughter