Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight leader ofe1o the free world. Plus stephen welcomes taraji p. Henson, aasif mandvi and comedian kevin comia, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing happy thursday whats up, tom . Beautiful oh, my goodness welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Remember a couple of years ag when trump first got into office, when we were all afraid that donald trump was some sort of a sleeper agent who was going to sell america out to a foreign power behind our backs . Well, its throwback thursday. laughter because we just learned that this summer, donald trump had a phone call with a foreign leader that was so troubling that it prompted an official in the u. S. Intelligence community to file a formal whistleblower complaint, when trump was overheard making a promise to a foreign leader. Yeah. audience reacts a promise to an unknown foreign leader. Thank god trump never keeps his promises. laughter never. Never has. Eric cheers and applause in fact, eric is still waiting by the front door to go to disney world. laughter as eric hi ho, hi ho, you promised that wed go. laughter e telligence communs taking this threat seriously. Their Inspector General considered the incident a matter of urgent concern. Thats high on the Intelligence Community threat level. It goes not a problem, uh oh, urgent concern, and Chrissy Teigen attack. laughter get cha laughter piano riff trump denies he did anything wrong, tweeting another fake news story out there it never ends virtually anytime i speak on the phone to a foreign leader, i understand that there may be many people listening from various u. S. Agencies, not to mention those from the other country itself. No problem dot, dot, dot, dot knowing all of this, is anybody dumb enough to believe that i would Say Something inappropriate with a foreign leader while on such a potentially heavily populated call. Good point. Very good point. What kind of moron would think you would make an inappropriate offer to a foreign country while you were being recorded . laughter russia, if youre listening, i hope youre able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. whistle blowing cheers and applause piano riff jon there you go. Stephen the guys in the sound booth love it now, evidently, anything designated an urgent concern requires notification of congressional oversight committees. But acting director of National IntelligenceJoseph Maguire has refused to share details about trumps alleged transgression with lawmakers, but acting look, looks, look, look, theres nothing in this report damaging to the president in any way, and that is why im going to safely store it in this gasoline powered filing cabinet cheers and applause now, because of the coverup, it was not immediately clear which foreign leader trump was speaking with or what he pledged to deliver. Okay, so a promise to a foreign leader, but it could be anything promised to any leader. So lets say lets say lets say, uh Angela Merkel. He promised Angela Merkel a night of passion with mike pence. laughter maybe not. Maybe not. Okay. Maybe not. Maybe not. Thats a little farfetched. Maybe he promised. Mohammed bin salman. Uh. A lifetime supply of lee presson nails. laughter or, lets do it backwards. Maybe he promised. A kilo of uncut peruvian blue flake cocaine to. Capn crunch. laughter yeah. Jon there you go. cheers and applause stephen dont let the soggies get your blue flake. Then, this afternoon, we found that the whistleblower was referring to a series of actions that goes beyond any single discussion with a foreign leader. laughter but trumps job isnt all giving away secrets. Yesterday he zipped down to sana diego to check out his border wall, where he told reporters why immigrants wont be able to cross it. ur the wall is you wont be able to touch it. You can you can fry an egg on that wall. Its very, very hot. Stephen wow. laughter you can fry an egg on that wall. I got to tell you i got to tell you, it is not easy to fry an egg vertically. Whip it in there cheers and applause piano riff stephen i like how he wants to sell it folks, you can fry an egg on this wall, thanks to thi the t pes i know what youre saying youre telling me i can get a full set of wall, and the steak knives for just 6. 2 billion and 99 cents but wait what if i threw in the bamboo steamer . Day old bread comes out light, tender, perfect. Now how much money would you take away from military schools for this boondoggle . applause trump also talked up his walls other features. The protection on top, how that stops it is an anticlimb device if you look at the steel on top. Its also structural but its there more for anti climb. Stephen yes, its a 30 foot wall thats anticlimb. laughter an unbeatable barrier unless mexico develops. The 31foot ladder. cheers and applause cant be done. Cant be done. Trump lauded the hightechness of his wall one thing we havent mentioned is technology. They are wired so that we will know if somebodys trying to break through and you may want to discuss that a little bit, general. Sir, there could be some merit in not discussing that. laughter stephen as trump good point. Anyway, back to my prepared remarks. The launch codes are 3, 5, frowny face emoji, with a powerball of 23. E onir force, ump was also asked about all his conflicts of interest. Hes been getting a lot of heat for Government Employees staying at his hotels. For instance, yesterday, we learned that in the last two years the pentagon has paid trumps turnberry golf resort 184,000. Its the most blatant example of a president profiting off his position since herbert hoovers canned hobo repellant. laughter now with 30 more formaldehyde laughter applause we made that up. No. No. No. Even i have my pride. laughter but trump pushed back, tweeting i am far beyond somebody paying for a hotel room for the evening, or filling up a gas tank at an airport i do not own. These radical left democrats are crazy Obama Netflix . laughter muttering i dont know, i dont know Obama Netflix . Whered that come from . Is that an accusation or an invitation . as trump Obama Netflix . By which i mean, hey, obama, want to netflix and chill . Melania refuses to binge Stranger Things. she says theres no Stranger Thing than me. laughter cheers and applause fry an egg on the plane, trump continued to whine about obamas postpresident ial success yesterday on air force one, saying, well, it was a very substantial deal. Cecil b. Demille if he ever came back from the dead, one of the greats of all time he would have loved to have made that deal. Plus obamas book was the highest book ever sold. I mean, hes beating j. K. Rowling. Why havent the dementors put obama in azkaban . laughter theres some big news out of canada concerning Prime Minister and man youre aboat to be surprised by, justin trudeau. A photo has come out of trudeau wearing brown face at a party. This is pretty bad and i just want to say its not us this time suck it, canada cheers and applause whoo weve got a great show for you tonight taraji p. Henson is here when we return, meanwhile stick around cheers and applause band playing the juul record. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen you know, i spend most of my time over there machining and engineering the biggest news stories of the day into the finely tuned ferrari that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to drag out the rusted chassis of an abandoned pickup, bolt on some bustedout headlights, a discarded snow plow, and some repurposed flamethrowers to make the postapocalyptic death buggy of news that is my segment meanwhile. cheers and applause it cures what ails ya. Meanwhile, a massive fire broke out on tuesday at an australian cattle breeding lab destroying around 100 cryogenic cylinders used to store cattle semen, and causing a massive semen explosion. Which, by the way, was the working title for the expendables. laughter applause according to locals, it seems the semen inside the cylinders was rapidly expanding and essentially the lids of the cryogenic cylinders were just popping off the top and projectiles were being thrown from the building. Bull semen projectiles. So look out for nine months when all the ovulating women in the area give birth to minotaurs. laughter somebodys little boy. Hes somebodys little boy. Half boy. Half boy. Jon wow. Stephen extence of unidentified flying objects. cheers and applause yes, i agree, one clapper. laughter this is massive news that could shatter our entire conception of the universe and our place in it. Which is why im covering it in minute 23 of my show right after the bull semen story. laughter cheers and applause the navy is reacting to the leaking of several videos from aboard Navy Fighters capturing the objects. Heres one of them. Theres a whole fleet of them, look on the asa. My gosh theyre all going against the wind. The wind is 120 miles to the west. Look at that thing, dude. Stephen i dont want to hear steelyeyed pilot confused. Its like hearing your surgeon say, ooo, this guy is all wet inside. laughter somethings wrong, somethings wrong. laughter the navy logo navy was forced to address the footage after it was released by a u. F. O. Investigative group called to the Stars Academy of arts and science, which was founded by former blink 182 guitarist, tom delonge. Which might seem weird but delonge is just one of many 90s musicians doing trailblazing exploration of the paranormal. We are all indebted to the vigilance of the brave men and women over at the spin doctors chupacabra taskforce. laughter applause meanwhile, this week, Merriam Webster announced its new additions for 2019, which has more than 530 new words, including vacay a shortening of vacation, sesh a shortening of session, and inspo a shortening of inspiration. Because the Merriam Webster dictionary is now being written by a cokedup Miami Real Estate agent. Great spot for a vacay. Just a short sesh. Decorate according to your inspo. I take a small commish. Thats the sitch. This is an acceptable way to talk now. Says so in the dick. Right there, okay. Whoo i gotta hit the head. Be right back. You guys want to start a Software Company . I just bought a boat whoo whoo well be right back with taraji p. Henson whoo cheers and applause band playing only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. For fast pain relief. 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Thats cool. Whered the trailer go . Or, get a total value of ninety seven sixty on this silverado all star without optional tech package or enhanced invisible view. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back ladies and gentlemen oh oh what a feeling folks, you know my first guest tonight from the curious case of benjamin button, hidden figures, and empire, which returns next week for its final season. Please welcome back to the late show taraji p. Henson cheers and applause band playing how are you . Stephen im doing good. How are you . Im great. First of all. Stephen yes, maam. You must be the envy of nighttime television. Stephen why . That band stephen yes. Baby stephen yeah. Hey, baby stephen sixth and final season of empire. Yeah. Stephen shows a cultural phenomenon. Yeah. Stephen as cookie, what did you get to do on empire you never thought you would be able to do . Travel the world. I never thought that a Television Show would take me global. I thought a movie would do it. Who knew that cookie, with her loud mouth and her craziness, would go overseas. I never saw that. Stephen have you traveled elsewhere and people have yelled cookie lines at you and called you cookie . Absolutely. Stephen wheres the most surprising place you heard hello, cookie . Ive never been to russia, but i saw in their paper cookie with that russian fur hat on. And i was, like, wait, they know cookie in russia . They wanted to send me to berlin but i got busy and couldnt go. The places where cookie was a hit blew my mind. Stephen well, we have a clip here from the new season. Whats going on here . Let me see. laughter lets see, i dont know. Lets see. Stephen well, you know what . Let her see. Let me see i dont know need damon no more than i need your as. What happens thats a lie and i bet your dumb as dont even know which one. You know about lies, dont you, lucius . Lies and deceit and broken promises, backstabbing wait, i couldnt tell you about andre its not about andre its about us cheers and applause you know, cookie has a history of getting people together. Stephen yes. Getting them all the way together. And lucius needs to be gotten together. Did you see that hair . laughter stephen i didnt entirely understand why he was dressed up as one of the members of milly vanilly. You have to watch the show. Usually when we come back, its a new season so time has lapsed. Stephen yeah, yeah, something has happened. Speaking of happening, congratulations. Happy birthday, you just celebrated your birthday last week. cheers and applause piano riff that was the best party ever. Stephen tell me what was going on. Looks fun, not many people at your party, but it looks fun. Theyre there. Stephen im sure. I have a girlfriend in canada. laughter tell me about your party. Okay, so i had an 80s themed skating party. Stephen 80s themed skating party, wow. So much fun. My friends showed up, my crew i love the crew of empire. em im one of the actresses who love crew. We spend so much time together theyre like family. I throw a lot of parties and the crew come. They show up all the time. Since i have been in chicago, we throw halloween parties every year. My crew loves stuff like that. We work so many hours, we party together. When i say they showed up and out at this 80s parties, whoo stephen you also have congratulations in order because you got engaged. This is your fiancee. cheers and applause stephen you must be planning the cake. Samples of cake. I dont do samples, dont send me swatches. I told my wedding planner, make it pretty, fun, make sure the food is good and a bomb deejay. No bridal party, im not a bridezilla. Please, i just want to say my vows in front of people i love, eat good food and have fun. cheers and applause thats it stephen you and i are both going to be in los angeles this weekend. Were both presenting out there and well see each other backstage. Well be drunk. Stephen after you present. Or not stephen you have been to a bunch of awards. The ultimate, the oscars, obviously. Do you have any fondest memories of award shows . My fondest memory was when i was nominated for an oscar for benjamin button. It was very surreal. I was sitting in the front row with my mom, plea, brad pit Brad Angelina jolie. I have been there several times but inside im going, oh, my gosh this is a long program, the oscars. I love it. Its very long. So when we had the long commercial breaks, angelina would grab my hand and we would run to the bar and do a shot. laughter so you know those moments when youre, like, you got in behind the velvet rope and youre, like, yeah, i know i belong here but, god, i feel like, whoa sunshine would be, like, regular, yeah, angie but im, like, oh, my god laughter it was kind of weird. But it was fun. It was one for the books, definitely. Stephen the red carpet can be kind of a challenge because youre supposed to be plays edly beautiful on the red carpet. Then people ask you questions you have no anticipation what the question is going to be. Theyre all out of nowhere. What do you want people to ask you. I wish people would ask me on the carpet, are you hungry . laughter stephen everyones hungry. Listen, are you hot . Do those shoes hurt . Have a seat. Would you like some slippers before i ask you the same ten questions you were asked down the line . How about i make it comfortable for you . Thats the questions i would like. Stephen heres the question im curious about because i know you were in the karate kid with jayden. Stephen jayden. Yes. Stephen and did you hang thhe smith family at al . Because they seem like weve had them on here, and they seem like really fun people. I would love to know what its like to hang out with will smith. They are a beautiful family. Like, i cant even put it into words. I remember when i first booked the film, and i had to do rehearsals with jayden, you know we had to get our chemistry together. Stephen sure. O i went out to their 3500, thousand, whatever, lot, their big ranch way out, and i go there again, one of those moments where you try to act normal, like, yeah, i belong here, but, oh, my god im weird and im in there and i walked in and im cracking a joke trying to break the ice. And will said, what do you want to eat for lunch . I went, lobster, ha, ha, ha he was, like, how would you like it . I was literally, like, i was joking. He was, no, how would you like your lobster . I said, poached, i dont know. laughter and i sit down, and im stupid, they have a chef, an entire staff. I went to the bathroom i was new money, i had really no money at all. So i go to the bathroom, i use it, i go back, and they have linens, not paper towels. So i go use the bathroom again 20 minutes later and theres a new linen. Well, i took the linen. I look in the trash and the trash i put in there is gone. You have a fullon staff working for you 24 hours. Willow is in the living room vocalizing, because my hair back and forth wasnt out yet, she was coming. Shes a protojay, i didnt know. Im in there running lines with jayden, and im, like, this house is popping piano riff stephen the sixth and final season of empire premieres tuesday on fox. Taraji p. Henson, everybody well be right back with aasif mandvi. cheers and applause band playing mhm. Nice whats the score . No idea. [ scoffs ] if you say so. Im sorry . What teach here isnt telling you is that snapshot rewards safe drivers with discounts on car insurance. What . Or maybe he didnt know. [ chuckles ] im done with this class. Youre not even enrolled in this class. I know. Im supposed to be in ceramics. Do you know room 303. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Good luck, everybody. For adults with moderately to severely active crohns disease, stelara® works differently. 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Youre hired try caramel m ms. Ow. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause my next guest is an actor you know from blue bloods, the proposal, and the daily show. He now stars in evil on cbs. Please welcome aasif mandvi stephen nice to see you again. Nice to see you. Stephen youre looking fit as a fiddle. Fit as a fiddle. I am. I am. Thank you, i feel fit as a fiddle. Stephen i dont know if you have this feeling, but i feel like i know you better than i do because i feel like we overlap. Yeah, because we saw each other stephen all the time. Across the buffet line sometimes. Stephen between the two shows ever so often, but we never actually overlapped. No, we didnt actually overlap. But i did actually come to your office when i first started on the daily show. The daily show people sent me to come visit you because i was going out to do my first field piece and they said, you know, Stephen Colbert is the master and you must go and learn from the master. Stephen did i yoda you at all . You did, you had the big green ears. laughter you said ill give you three pieces of advice. Always find three things that are funny stephen about the piece. About the piece, yeah. Dont be afraid of the silence. laughter and when you put a camera in someones face, they get a lobotomy, which i thought was the most brilliant advice id ever gotten. Stephen when you point a camera at somebody, their i. Q. Goes down about 45 points. Just know that. Thats why you let the silence fall during a field piece because they cant stand the silence and they will fill it with the truth. Yes. Stephen 100 true. Just dont be the first one to blink. Wow. And it happened many, many times i saw that happen. Stephen its hard to explain what i its like d a piece for the daily show, at least back in the day, because people didnt know what your story was about, they only knew that they were in the story. Yes, exactly. Stephen and often there would be a whole other framework for the story. Were there ever times when you found yourself in a situation and you just thought, im just doing silly comedy, and the people got very upset with you . One time i was in boise, idaho. Stephen quality town. Yes, and they were having a problem with fish in the river and pollution, and they were seeing these stephen is that what this is. Twoheaded fish in the river. Stephen someone gave me a photo. Is that what this is . Yes. Stephen tell me when i show it. So i go to boise, idaho, were doing a show about fish in the river and i dress up as a twoheaded fish. laughter thats my head. Thats the fake head, just to clarify. Thats the fake head, thats my head. Stephen okay. And i walk in with my producer, brennan, and the film crew, and we walk in to the e. P. A. Offices stephen in boise, idaho. In boise, idaho, to complain about the twoheaded fish in the river. And a very nice gentleman walks out of the back office, probably the manager or somebody, and he said you cant be here, youve got to leave. And i said, where am i supposed to go . I live in the river, its polluted and i remember this poor man saying to me, youre not really a fish youre a man in a costume but i was completely in character, you know. laughter and thain called the police, and i thought it was going to be like a local sheriff, but, no, Homeland Security shows up. laughter were walking out of the building with our crew and suddenly its like it was like ncis. It was literally like five cars got up, five guys got out, it was like Homeland Security, and they see me in a twoheaded fish costume and theyre about to take me in, and im trying to explain to him, no, were with the daily show and Homeland Security is going, its the brown face. I tried to say were doing a piece for th i love jon stewart. I said let me get him on the phone and you can talk to him. I dont have jon stewart, im just scrolling through my phone trying to get a friend to do a jon stewart impression. Stephen did they let you go . They finally did. It took some talking. Stephen ive got to say, it would have been a hell of a mug shot. Yes, i know well, imagine what would have happened to me in prison in that costume, i mean, you know. Stephen okay, new cbs show. Yes. Stephen when does it start . The 26th of september. Stephen okay. Its called evil. Evil. Stephen it dips into the supernatural, ghosts, demons, exorcisms, and you play, like, a skeptic on this . I play, like, a guy who is a debunker. Im going to figure out why it is not paranormal and you can explain the stuff. Stephen but the other members of the team we have one member who is a skeptic, a true believer, and im the guy who will figure out what it is. Stephen do you personally aasif mandvi believe in ghosts or the supernatural . I will say this, i have more belief in the idea that there are things outside of our understanding and beyond what we can see, touch, feel, smell stephen ever seen a ghost . I havent, but i was in a hotel once in austin, texas, where they have this hotel was haunted, and i know this because they have a registry at the front of the hotel where you can tell them if you saw a ghost, and they will write it into their registry, and it goes back, like, 200 years. From the 1800s. So theyre, like, please welcome to the hotel and please come back and tell us if you see a ghost. Stephen do you get a discount . I dont know. Stephen free buffet if you bleep your pants in the middle of the night . laughter so i ended up, i was then dating my now wife, and i ended up being so terrified that i called her at 1 00 in the morning this is a woman i just recently started dating and i said, listen, you have to stay with me on the phone because my lamp is flickering across the room and i am convinced she was, like, maybe its just got a faulty circuit. And i was, like, no it is a ghost and i was convinced. I kept her on the phone with me till 5 00 in the morning, but she married me, so its fine. Stephen awesome. Aasif, nice seeing you. Thanks so much for being here evil premieres tomorrow at 10 00 pm on cbs aasif mandvi, everybody well be right back with comedian kevin comia. cheers and applause band playing look . That life of the party look walk it off look one more mile look reply all look own your look. With fewer lines. Theres only one botox® cosmetic. Its the only one. Fda approved. To temporarily make. 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Click, call or visit a store today. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is a standup comedian here making his Network Television debut. Please welcome kevin comia andpplause band playing thank you very much. Thes cheers and applause i have a white girlfriend, thank you. Thank you very much. laughter firsttime caller, longtime listener. Thank you. Ive only had three girlfriends in my life and theyre all filipino, like muah. And this white one, ive got to tell you, my life has changed so much. Im now eating kettle chip flavors ive never tasted before, you know. I dont know if you guys know any himalayans, but if you do, tell them that their salt is delicious. laughter its a good, healing salt. Her skin, man, so white i just stare at it at night. Im, like, wow look at that its almost translucent sometimes i put a flash light in her mouth, i turn it on, her whole head lights up like a fancy lamp laughter i read at night laughter i grew up in a small town. My dad used to tell me this growing up, when hed get mad, hed go, hey, stop acting white i would be, like, why would you say such things, papa . laughter it wasnt my fault. All i did was hang out with white kids because thats all there was. So i would end up doing crazy white stuff. You guys know crazy white stuff, like just hang out in creeks. laughter just always in a creek for some reason. laughter turn over rocks, try to find crawdads, like, aaahhh this is fun, i think laughter i never understood racism growing up, i never understood it. One time when i was a little boy, this kid chased me home from school and he was just yelling at me, just yelling, like, hey hi wye dont you go home and eat your rice im, like, yeah, thats what im going to do. What the hell . laughter why are you yelling . laughter and how do you know i was hungry . Thats amazing. Hes, like, ah, yeah, i bet you got a small penis yeah, you got me again, i laughter im only seven. You know. laughter i kind of think we all do. It would be weird if we didnt. laughter i was definitely bullied growing up for many reasons, and one in particular is i played the clarinet, you know. I played the clarinet five years, i was no good. I was third chair clarinet. If you dont know, thats the worst you can be at a Musical Instrument in grade school. You know what you do when youre third chair clarinet, you know what your role is in the school band . Your hold down whole notes. Thats all you can handle. Youre just sitting there going, duh. Duh. Duh. laughter im doing that while first chair hes in the front row and were the same age, this kids ripping it like hes recording an album for blue note. Hes just out there the principal is smoking a cigarette, hes, like, ah, that sweet, sweet sound, baby. Im nine rows back going, duh, duh. I didnt even have a clarinet. laughter applause my school ran out of clarinets. They didnt even notice. I was Walking Around the playground going duhhhh. laughter i have been watch ago lot of these racist videos online. I hate them. They star this racist guy and hes always screaming at people, like, go back to your country i hate those people even exist. I just wish they would follow up that phrase every once in a while, just, yonow, go back to your country and go visit your grandma and take a lot of pictures ill feed the cats have a great time cheers and applause thank you guys so much. Thank you cheers and applause band playing stephen his albums, kindness and color, are now streaming on spotify. Kevin comia, everybody well be rig back. Find the brands you love from nordstrom. Up to 70 off at nordstrom rack. Thats fashion at a fraction. Shop anytime at nordstromrack. Com and get easy returns in store. Nordstrom rack. What will you find . The juul record. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c