Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

And a special appearance by john lithgow. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen the hey, happy holidays fantastic hello hows it going. Hi hey, jon. I like it. Happy wednesday. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen hi so nice. Wednesday, right . cheers and applause stephen thanks, everybody, up there, down here, all around the world, all my friends and neighbors. Welcome, one and all, everybody, everybody. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Lets get right to it. We dont have any time. We dont have a minute to waste here. Its almost christmas. Im busy, youre busy. Ive got an oven full of snickerdoodles i have to finish the monologue before the timer goes off. Its just after six clrks as we speak, the full house of representatives is still debating the articles of impeachment. They havent voted yet, but im about to go on vacation, so im just going to go ahead and call it now. Tonight, for only the third time in u. S. History, the house of representatives voted to impeach a sitting president , donald j. Trump. cheers and applause there it is. There it is. There it is. Again, they havent actually voted yet. And if we wake up tomorrow and it turns out im wrong, i will issue a severe apology from margaritaville. Im coming back. Ill give you all the details in this very special installment of don and the giant impeach. Can you believe it . Its today its today its unbelievable. Stephen now, like i said, trumps only the third president to be impeached, and the fourth to have articles of impeachment drawn up against him. But heres the thing im 55 three of those impeachments have happened during my lifetime. For the fourth one, you have to go all the way back 1868 and andrew johnson, whose Senate Impeachment trial was, of course, conducted by Chuck Schumer and mitch mcconnell. laughter seriously, guys move on make room for young blood today, the house gave themselves six hours of floor debate to decide on impeachment. Six hours . Thats a long time to let both sides repeat the same stuff theyve been saying for months. Its like having to applause there it is. Over and over again. Its like having to listen to your grandfather tell the same story youve been hearing your entire life. Grandpa, no one believes that you did overtheclothes stuff with betty page laughter now, in her opening statement, nancy pelosi made sure everyone knows shes real sad about this. Very sadly now, our founders vision of a republic is under threat from actions from the white house. Sadly, the American People have witnessed further wrongs of the president. Today is a National Civics lesson, though a sad one. I solemnly and sadly open the debate on the impeachment of the president of the united states. Stephen as pelosi but, first, sadly, we are solemnly sad, about the solemn, sad, somleness that is this sad, sad, solemn sad day. Sad. cheers and applause thats her, not me. Thats her. But the award for most huh . Impeachment take in the house of representatives goes to Georgia Republican and man whose last name describes him perfectly, barry loudermilk. Loudermilk made this comparison before you take this historic vote today, one week before christmas, i want you to keep this in mind when jesus was falsely accused of treason, Pontius Pilate gave jesus the opportunity to face his accusers. During that sham trial, Pontius Pilate afforded more rights to jesus than the democrats have afforded this president. Audience oooooh stephen really . Youre going to compare donald trump to jesus christ . laughter may i remind you, jesus never had to cut a check to keep Mary Magdalene quiet. laughter cheers and applause i have that right, right . I have that right, right . Jon you got that right. That never happened, no. Stephen representative Louie Gohmert took a more negative view of the proceeding. This countrys end is now in sight. I hope i dont live to see it. Stephen wow, thats a bold statement. But it explains his reelection slogan gohmert 2020 take me, death. applause dumb, the guy it dumb. He just plain, old dumb, baby. Trump is reacting to the impeachment news with his usual calm and measured ranting. Yesterday, he sent an angry sixpage screed directed at nancy pelosi. And today he passed that rant out to every member of Congress Inside a massive christmas card. laughter that thing is the size of a Cheesecake Factory menu which makes some sense, since both feature an orange chicken. Are the card, the card is signed applause the card is signed by, lets see, it looks like that says president amnanhunmun and first lady whaaa jimmy. The president didnt stop with angry screed and comically oversized card, because he also included a second, smaller christmas card. Cards within cards its like a russian doll which, coincidentally, is trumps secret service nickname. laughter that wasnt applause that wasnt trumps only desperate cry for help. This morning he tweeted, can you believe that i will be impeached today by the radical left, donothing democrats, and i did nothing wrong a terrible thing. Read the transcripts. This should never happen to another president again. Say a prayer laughter yes, nothing, noct applause nothing says confidence quite like say a prayer. A state trooper pulls you over, youre completely innocent, so you scream at the other motorists pray for me laughter jon oh, man, wow. Stephen trump probably will bounce back. According to one former aide, trump is the most resilient politician the country has ever seen. Okay, not to be all Teddy Roosevelt got shot, but Teddy Roosevelt got shot, and then finished the speech he was giving. Trump gets winded carrying an umbrella up a staircase. laughter applause the aide thinks this aide this unnamed aide, thinks none of us none of us will be that affected by any of this, predicting well just wake up thursday after this absurd Impeachment Vote and say, well, that was quite a season three finale. Whats going to happen in season four . Yes, the Trump Presidency is just a tv show we all have to live through. I call it the worst wing. cheers and applause i miss that show. I love that green velvet. What is it a forest green, mossy . I love it. Once trump is impeached, the case moves to the senate, led by majority leader and clinicallydepressed scrotum, mitch mcconnell. laughter had trouble saying his name after that one. laughter mcconnell has a simple plan for the impeachment trial no impeachment trial. But mcconnell could lose control of the proceedings if four republicans vote with democrats to allow witnesses. One of the likely suspects to grow a spine is utah senator mitt romney, seen here questioning his life choices. laughter when romney was asked his opinion on calling additional witnesses, he said, its not that i dont have any point of view, its just that im not willing to share that point of view till ive had the chance to talk to others and get their perspectives. Oh, courage. Its just like at the end of the movie when the romans are about to crucify kirk douglas, and then tony curtis stands up and goes, its not that im not spartacus. Im just not willing to share whether im spartacus. First, i want to talk to these other guys and find out if any of them are spartacus. Anyone . Nope. All right, ill sit down now. ding oh my snickerdoodles are done hold on one second. Here we go. Hot stuff hot stuff ah there you go applause weve got a great show for you tonight Charlize Theron is here. But when we return, Rudy Giuliani will join us. Oh, yeah. Come on hot stuff applause hurry in to the Super Saturday sale at petsmart, december 21st through the 24th buy 2 get 1 free on all dog toys or treats plus this weekend, bring in your family and pets for a free photo with santa. Four days left to save. At petsmart nyquifor your worst cold andrful relieflu symptoms, on sunday night and every night. Nyquil severe. The nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, best sleep with a cold, medicine. Hvr dips. You either love it or you really love it. Running out of time . Dont worry. Weve got new gift ideas arriving through christmas eve. So, you can spend much less, but gift much more at t. J. Maxx, marshalls and homegoods. A drink with friends can turn into two. And a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go. Text a friend. Call a cab. Share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody yup. Jon, jon, i am excited. I am excited, not just to be doing this show tonight, being out here with you and these lovely people, but one of my favorite actors is here tonight. Charlize theron will be right over there in just a few minutes. She plays megyn kelly in the new movie bombshell, about the fall of roger ailes at fox news. Unbelievable jon she looks like megyn Kelly Stephen if megyn kelly came out here tonight, i would think it was Charlize Theron dressed up as her right now. Stephen you know, folks, its an historic day, with the president facing impeachment. And he couldnt have done it without the help of his personal lawyer and softboiled american, Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani just wont stop giving the kind of legal help that got trump impeached. In fact, he just got back from yet another trip to ukraine and has been all over the media, pushing increasingly convoluted conspiracy theories about the biden family and ukraine. But rudy swears his ukraine trip wasnt a political hit job against the bidens. You looked into ukraine because biden was running for president complete lie i looked into ukraine because it was thrown at me. Stephen that makes sense, yeah, it was thrown at him. I believe that because every time i see him on tv, i want to throw something at him. Trump was fully on board with rudys fictionfinding mission. Reportedly, the moment rudy landed, trump called him to ask, what did you get . And rudy replied, more than you can imagine. as trump more than i can imagine . So a 21piece mcnuggets . laughter we have no idea who else rudy may have been talking to lately, and neither does he, because hes also been making multiple butt dials to reporters. Im not surprised rudy dials with his butt. That is where his best ideas come from. And, and applause well be hearing more about rudys conspiracy tour of ukraine, because hes been putting together both a 20page report and a documentary series. I cant wait to see whats in there. And i wont have to wait, because joining us now live via satellite is the president s personal lawyer, Rudolph Giuliani mayor giuliani, its good of good to see you again, mr. Mayor. Complete lie sorry, thats a reflex. Good to see you, too, stephen. Stephen mr. Giuliani, todays Impeachment Vote happened in large part because of your dealings with ukraine. So why did you travel there to dig up even more conspiracies about the bidens . Shhhhh stephen, all i can say is i have reason to believe that not only did hunter biden try to rig the 2016 election. He also rigged the 2016 olympics and the 2016 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards Blake Shelton was unconstitutionally slimed laughter stephen ill take your word for it. Now, i have to ask about a damning statement you made this week. Did you really admit to reporters that you pushed trump to fire the ambassador to ukraine because she was standing in your way . Of course i said that, stephen i say everything but you cant prove that i meant it. Scientists have never established a credible link between my brain and my mouth. laughter stephen okay, okay, i understand that. But but, sir by the way, where are you right now . It looks like youre back in ukraine . Stephen, i cant disclose my location. It would jeopardize the secret mission im currently on here in ukraine. laughter now, if youll excuse me, i have a meeting with a highlevel consultant. Good meeting. Lets have a followup. laughter stephen mr. Mayor, are you really drinking . A complete lie im merely uncovering evidence. Now, lets get to the bottom of this. laughter stephen okay. Speaking of evidence, you said you found more than you can imagine. Can you share any of it right now . Oh, stephen, that would be a disaster so here we go laughter i discovered some explosive evidence hidden inside a trash can near burisma headquarters. Look at this aha stephen okay, that looks like a halfeaten Tuna Sandwich . Exactly ive analyzed the bite marks and now have reason to believe that hunter biden can transform into a cat laughter stephen mr. Mayor, im sorry, there is just no way thats true. Stephen, it will all become clear when you see my new documentary series. Roll the clip. I am hunter biden i love corruption very, very, very disturbing. Stephen thats just overdubbed footage from the movie cats. Complete lie stephen im sorry, is there something wrong with your eyes . Theyre trying to escape my head so they dont have to testify before congress. Theyve seen too much stephen okay. Okay, mr. Mayor, im over here. You can hear my voice . Okay there, you go. Mr. Mayor, given todays Impeachment Vote, do you still think theres any way im sorry. Im getting a phone call. It says its from you . Oh, no. No thats a butt dial. Dont answer it my butt has been turned against me by the bidens laughter stephen what what does that mean . My butt has been working behind my back laughter applause no, no, no. Its been calling reporters without my permission you need to believe me my butt is a constant source of leaks laughter is stephen i believe you. I wont pick it up. No, wait, do pick up but dont tell my butt youre talking to me. This stephen okay. Hello . Whats he saying . Anything about the bidens . Stephen nothing. Its just some muffled noise. Of course. That guys a drunken bleep . laughter stephen thank you, mr. Mayor. Complete lie stephen Rudy Giuliani, everybody well be right back with Charlize Theron. The count down to christmas at the feel the rush sale at jcpenney shop the seasons best gifts. Like levis for him and her jewelry. And 2535 off kitchen electrics or get an extra 20 off now with your jcpenney credit card. And feel the rush at jcpenney mucinex cold flu allinone. Fights. Oh no. Nonono. Did you really need the caps lock . Mucinex cold and flu allinone. seaonly abreva cany to help sget rid of it in. As little as 2 1 2 days when used at the first sign. Abreva starts to work immediately to block the virus and protect healthy cells. Abreva acts on it. So you can too. Im Christina Stembel and i chose the spark cash card from capital one with unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back, which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer. Whats in your wallet . So why treat your mouth any differently . Listerine® completes the job by preventing plaque, early gum disease, and killing up to 99. 9 of germs. Try listerine®. Need Stocking Stuffers . Try listerine® ready tabs™. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Oh, are you in for a treat, folks. My first guest is an Academy Awardwinning actress you know from monster, mad max fury road, and atomic blonde. Her new film is bombshell. Please welcome back to the late show, Charlize Theron applause wow wow oh, my gosh cheers and applause thats so nice. Thank you. Hi hi hi hi i was so scared i was going to be a disappointment this is so lovely stephen no, no, no disappoint to have Charlize Theron out here. Now, i know youre out here we were talking about a bunch of things, but youre out here to talk about your new film bombshell yeah stephen which is about basically the end of roger ailes career at fox news and the women who stood up to him, including megyn kelly, you who played. Congratulations. I know you just got nominated for a golden globe yeah stephen for that performance. And sag, and a sag award, i think. Thats great yeah, yeah, its really great. Listen, the alternative could be so much worse. But the fact that you you know, you dont make i think this job is so incredible, and i say to my kids every day, find something that you love because it will never feel like a job. And that to me is the reward. All of this extra stuff is so lovely. But the cast nomination that we got, sag cast nomination, was really special to me because this is such an ensemble cast stephen and its an extraordinary ensemble cast its an extraordinary ensemble so that one was particularly special stephen you got particularly excite approximated for the golden globe nomination that was the sag stephen you posted online a video of you reacting to it yeah stephen to finding out that you all have been nominated. Yeah stephen but you edited out of middle. Can i let me play should we explain what happens . Or should we play it first . I dont think you need an explanation. Its quite selfexplanatory. We just got cast yes bleep i dont have we just got cast stephen i guess i guess it didnt need an explanation i dont think it does. I dont think it does. Oh, boy. Yes. Note to self, note to self dont shoot anything before you put the underwear on. Stephen thats true my mother always told me that laughter stephen now, you youre producer on this movie, as well as playing megyn kelly in this, and an extraordinary performance as megyn kelly. I was saying to you briefly backstage, there are amazing performances all through it. For instance, john lithgow as roger ailes hes amazing stephen hes amazing ailes. Sometimes you use footage of the actual roger ailes, news Archive Footage yeah stephen but most of the time its lithgow playing him. But youre always megyn kelly. And you look so much like megyn kelly so heres an heres a little indication, and this just begins to capture how much you look like her here. I have watched megyn kelly for years dijust drink your water . Im so sorry stephen no, this is yours and theres tea for you thats so nice. Im so sorry. I thought i was drinking yours stephen would you like tea . Both of them are yours sorry, sorry, sorry. I was trying to not have you get my cooties stephen would you like some honey . I would love some honey. Another thats good. Thank you, Stephen Stephen how would you stir that . A pen my favorite way to stir my tea how did you know stephen its a new pen. Straight out of the box oh, lets see how this is. Oh, delicious. Thank you. Stephen but as i was saying, when i watched tive interviewed her i had dinner with megyn kelly. There were times i had to go, wait, is that charlize or is that megyn kelly thats very sweet stephen not just the look, but the demeanor, the voice. Was that did you have to pitch your voice down to hers . She has a bit of a mannered way of speaking a very specific way of thinking. I have a husky voice tonight because im a little under the weather, but it was definitely a type of register to get and she has a cadence. And i dont know if you know this about her, but she can speak really fast, really fast. Its incredibly impressive when you really Pay Attention to it stephen thats the news training, i think im a very lazy speaker. So stephen thats the first word that comes to mind when you think Charlize Theron lazy. Lazy, slow speaker stephen as also a producer of this film, why was this an important story to you . Why did you want to tell this . This exists before the me too movement. It was kind of like a foreshadowing of something to come it really was, stephen. Because i think we forget, now that weve just lived in this time for the last two years, that when Gretchen Carlson stepped forward with this lawsuit at fox against roger ailes, there really was no movement. There was no times up. There was no me too. This was before harvey weinstein, before all of the numerous sthars we know now. And so when we read it at our company, we felt like even though it felt like i sometimes refer to it as an origin story. Which i hope marvel folk goes to see it because they hear origin story. But i do think it is, in a weird way, it is the ceend of they were the catalyst. They brought us to this place. And i think that the women of fox and everything that happened there just lent itself to such great storytelling because they were such an unusual cast of women to bring forward such an important story. You know, a lot of those women dont like calling themselves feminists. And, yet stephen very powerful media figures. Yes, megyn hates the word feminist. And here they are. They catapult us into this moment where were having a serious conversation about the nuance and gray of sharmts stephen did you have a chance to talk to any of the women involved, Gretchen Carlson or megyn kelly herself . You know, Gretchen Carlson has an n. D. A. , and shes basically muzzled. She cant talk about her story. Stephen thats one of the reasons why its so great to see Nicole Kidman play her. You get to hear Gretchen Carlson tell her story. Gretchen in her real life cant its also really painful because you kind of just go, why can this woman not tell her story . Why are we still putting all these mechanisms in place that are still protecting predators, and these men in power who are, obviously, abusing their power. Thats really what these n. D. A. S are doing. Im in complete support of her trying to get her voice back and having her story be told. But it was a cheeky way of us saying, you still cant silence us all somehow applause stephen we have we have a clip here. Can you describe whats going on here . Youre in a sound booth yeah, this is a big moment where megyn kelly took about two weeks to join the carlson lawsuit, and the reason was because she was ceend of a rock star at the time at fox. She was negotiating one of the biggest contracts there. And she had a moral dilemma. She really liked roger ailes, because he was incredibly helpful to her career. But she also feared what i think so many women fear which is that youre going to get ostracized and that youre going to get punished and that youre going to lose everything you worked so hard to achieve. This is a scene where she finally acknowledges to one of her colleagues that she was sexually harassed by roger ailes 10 years ago and she doesnt know what to do about it. Stephen jim i wont call you a feminist. But say theres a spectrum. Are you roger harassed me. 10 years ago. I turned down a Law Firm Partnership for an entrylevel job here at fox. Roger would call me up to new york. I wanted his help. Did you. Coanything . No. Will you talk . Megyn . I dont know. I dont know applause cheers stephen has she seen it . So, she finally she posted something last weekend about saying that she saw it with people im assuming people that are close to her and that it was incredibly emotional for her. And that yeah, i mean, listen, i have great empathy. We have a lot of differences, but i ultimately, i have to acknowledge that what these women did was just incredible for this movement. And the more we hear these stories, the better we are off not getting into this complacency again. So im im really grateful. I hope this i wish this never happened to them. But im greatful that we you know, that we can tell this story. Stephen well, its a really incredible movie. And full of tremendous performances. So thank you for the story that youre telling here and to those women for standing up. We have to take a quick break, but if you can stick around, you stick around, too, because well be right back with more therk everybody cheers and applause you try baking a pie. May your holidays glow bright and all your dreams take flight. Lease the glc 300 suv for 439 a month with credit toward your first months payment at the mercedesbenz winter event. The ones that make a truebeen difference in peoples lives. And mikes won them, which is important right this minute, because if he could beat americas biggest gun lobby, helping pass background check laws and defeat nra backed politicians across this country, beat big coal, helping shut down hundreds of polluting plants and beat big tobacco, helping pass laws to save the next generation from addiction. All against big odds you can beat him. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Tthe bad news . Outhe perfect photo is not. D. 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Blow a kiss into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss into the sun all we need is somebody to lean on swedens greetings. Enjoy your first payment on us when you lease a new volvo. Now through january 2nd. applause stephen hey, everybody were here with the star of bombshell, Charlize Theron. Charlize, christmas is coming. You have two small children yeah stephen do you know what youre getting them . Oh, so oh, boy. laughter so, like, a couple of months ago, my oldest, jackson, said, mom i i would love we have two dogs. Im a big dog person. And she said, i would like to have my own dog. I said, we have two dogs. She said, mom, lets be honest. Theyre your dogs. And shes right stephen the dogs follow you around because you feed them yes. And so i thought maybe for christmas. And then i went to go get my hair calendar, just innocently, like three months ago. And there was a woman sitting with, like, these puppies. She worked for this shelter, and these puppies were abandoned. And i was like well, when is the next time im going to be around an abandoned puppy because we like to adopt. I said, can you bring a puppy for a play date sm and my fouryearold, august, said, no, no, if shes getting a puppy im getting a puppy. Before i knew it i said yes. I figured wed potty train them and get it all out of the way, right . Stephen its so easy laughter wow, its so hard. Stephen so who is who here . Who do we have . This is leo. He is augusts puppy. And this is cleo. Thats jacksons puppy stephen leo andicallyo they named them. I said, this is all you. Go for it. There were some interesting names stephen just so the old dogs dont get jealous those are my boys, johnny and berkeley applause yeah. Stephen are your dogs well trained . My dogs, my two boys are really well trained stephen what do you mean by that . Can they do sphriks or just stay . Even if i left them in the house fileft them in the house for three days, they wouldnt go. Theyre just so well behaved stephen wow, i dont know a human who can do that i dont how but they just dont make a mistake. You know what i mean . Stephen did you train these dogs or did they come preperfect . No, theyre rescues so they came with their own issues. Theyre just really good boys. Thats why i needed you to show a photo because i dont want their feelings to get hurt. Stephen of course not. Charlize, lovely to have you here. Thank you so much for being here thank you. Stephen bombshell is in theaters now, and everywhere this friday. Charlize theron, everybody when we come back ill be cooking with Martha Stewart. Stick around. paul at spr sprintern lidays are a paul. R giving. paul aw thanks. And did you know you can give your family the gift of savings with both an unlimited plan. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 included paul . For just 35 a month when you switch . sprintern whoa, what a deal paul and, sprint has a 100 total satisfaction guarantee so you and your family can try out the network and see the savings for yourself. sprintern so cool, now open it paul is it the iphone 11 . sprintern what . Howd you guess . For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Welcome back to our ah, its time to gift wrap. Did someone say gift rap . J to the jingle, j to the jammie Old Navy Styles for this holiday fami y Old Navy Jingle Jammies freshness youll be drippin resting by the tree while were eggnog sippin sittin with my crew all cozy by the fire please dont be so jealous of my holiday attire shop up to seventyfive percent off everything, with gifts for one, two, three and four bucks thats up to seventyfive percent off are we actually not wrapping any gifts . Only at old navy and my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby a drink with friends can turn into two. And a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go. Text a friend. Call a cab. Share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. applause im Christina Stembel and i chose the spark cash card from capital one with unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back, which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer. Whats in your wallet . For your worst sore throat pain, try Vicks Vapocool drops. Its not candy, its powerful relief. Ahhh vaporize sore that pain with Vicks Vapocool drops and try new vapocool spray. Mike bloombergs created on tover 400,000 jobs. Ue leader. As president , an opportunity economy that works for us. Tax fairness where the wealthy pay their fair share. Education. Affordable college and high skill Vocational Training so people can succeed in the new economy. Economic security. Lower Cost Health Care and affordable middleclass housing. Proven leadership on jobs. To build an economy where people dont just get by, they get ahead. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Welcome back. Look who we have here. My next guest is a lifestyle expert and the founder of a billiondollar media empire. Her new book is Martha Stewarts cookie perfection. Please welcome, Martha Stewart cheers and applause timely. Timely. Its a book Everybody Needs right now we do, we do. And we have to make cookies. I just did 2500 cookies for my christmas party, which you didnt come to stephen you have never invited me to a party, ever would you come . Stephen if you invited me okay, next year stephen ive never even declined an invitation. Which was hurtful, because youre you are the hostess of america and ive never been invited im embarrassed i confessed. Stephen did you invite dave . Dave never comes stephen did you invite him . Yes. He never comes. Hes my neighbor. Youre not my neighbor stephen were both on tv. Im the next channel over its for neighbors, and its up in bedford and its a drag. bleep bleep look oh i hope it stays on stephen now were having fun. Having fun. Do you have any plans for the Christmas Holidays . Yeah, we still here until christmas day, and then the next day we go away stephen oh, wow stephen where are you going stephen away whats the first thing were doing here, my friend . Because it is the Holiday Season and we want you to make delicious things for your friends and your family to eat and drink, this is a cookie koquito. Its a take on a coffee drink made in puerto rico. And we pour into the blender, we pour you can do this. You can hold this stephen i would love to do this one can of condensed milk. One can of evaporated milk. Its the only time of year i actually open cans stephen this like an eggnog . It is kind of an eggnog but no eggs. And coconut milk. Leche derks cocoa stephen where does the liquor come from, my friend rum. You can add as much rum as you like cheers and applause and a half a teaspoon of cinnamon. laughter i think thats plenty. Stephen there you go. There it is and then you blend it. Make sure this is on tight stephen do you need to put ice in or anything like that . Yeah, we could put ice in the glass. Look. No, no, coffee, coffee stephen coffee goes in here . No, in there. About an inch of coffee stephen inch of coffee. Same thing here . All of them, for you, me, the band, whatever you want stephen jon doesnt drink he doesnt . Stephen hes a much nicer person than i am then you get this off stephen may i. Were you ever a bartender or waiter . I could be a really good bartender stephen you have ever been a bartender or waiter. Answer the question . No. Once i did try to serve and i can coffee and tea like this. And i was so busy pouring i was a caterer, and i was so busy pouring the coffee that this hand automatically went like that on the back of the ladys dress. Very bad. Wait, wait, wait. Nut meg stephen nut meg. Do you live in connecticut . No, i live in Bedford Stephen do you know connecticut is the nut meg state . I do. But they dont grow nut megs in con. They come from the caribbean. What do you think . Stephen oh its good, right . Stephen im ready to get my nog on right now no whipped cream. No eggs. Its really good, right . Stephen yes. What else are we working on here . Keeks. The cookie book, cookies. Wreath cookies. Those are the pretty wreath cookies decorated right there. And gingerbreads i like noahs ark stephen i want to ask you about being a hostess. How do you keep people from arguing. What do you do . We argue stephen you jiewrg its so much fun to argue. I lieb it. I like arguing stephen maybe i wont go to your parties. There you go. What do we co . Noahs ark. And we have a lot of animals. I dont know if polar bears were on the original ark stephen they had to be or they wouldnt be here now. You understand thats what they say, but i dont know if thats true stephen there are kids watching so youre going to this is a new way to decorate cookies. Its so much easier than piping and stuff. Stephen just dip . Just with your fingertips. Are you on the right side of the cookies stephen is there a wrong side . This is royal ice made out of egg whites. Now drip. Go like this. Go leak this. Drip stephen im dripping, im dripping then turn it over and put it on your rack stephen i did not do that well uhoh. You have to shake it off stephen im a failure. Im a failure no, youre not stephen another blunder by Stephen Colbert okay, so thats this is an easy way. Look how pretty, right . applause so put that down. Put it down so it dries dries. Its a fivepoint way of decorating. Its called dipping thats what we just did. Then you decorate. So take your take your take your icing stephen got stay hydrated. Got to stay hydrated put the eye where you think a polar bears eye is. Im going to do a dear stephen i have no i guess its there on the head, i assume you have to guess. Im doing a reindeer. I love the reindeer stephen i can make him happy . Sure, but hes not a cartoon, remember stephen no, its not a cartoon its a cookie and a nose. Polar bears have big noses, yeah, big black noses. There you go. Little feet stephen the feet are already there. What do you mean . Oh, claws. So i can tear a harp seal apart laughter and eat him for lunch stephen thats good, thats good and im doing the antlers which are so pretty and little feet and a white tail, of course, because i only have white tailed deer on my property stephen i have another hostess question for you. Can i ask you another one. How do you handle, politely respond when you get a gift you dont like . I regift it stephen martha the book is fantastic. Everybody needs cookies at christmas. I think its my favorite treerkt keeks my antlers are falling off stephen youre molting theyre giving me a head ache. Stephen Martha Stewarts cookie perfection is available now you know when you go to ross for a few gifts and realize. Oh yeah you shouldve gotten a cart . Thats yes for less. Get gifts for everyone on your list and save 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices. At ross. Yes for less. Department store prices. [ electrical buzzing ] [ electrical buzzing ] [ dramatic music ] ahhhh ahhhhh elliott. You came back a lots changed since you were here. Its called the internet. Holiday movies. [ remote bleeps ] im dreaming of a White Christmas family. Home. [ music swells ] woohoo yeah blow a kiss into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss into the sun all we need is somebody to lean on swedens greetings. Enjoy your first payment on us when you lease a new volvo. Now through january 2nd. And youre not sure wholl be more excited. You. Oh, yeah. Or them . Ahhhhhh thats yes for less. Be a rock star this season and save big on gifts theyre gonna love. At ross. Yes for less. Stephen thats it for the late show, our thanks to john lithgow tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jennifer hudson, jonathan pryce, and musical guest Sharon Van Etten with norah jones. Now stay tuned for the late late show with guest host melissa mccarthy. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside stage 56 i