Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight honey, i quarantined the kids. Plus, stephen welcomes Neil Degrasse tyson comedian Hannah Einbinder and Community Calendar with ty burrell. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey. Hey there, friendo, nice to see you yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah aaahhh, yeah. Happy friday jon happy friday. Audience Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen all right, there you go. Nice. Nice. Look at us together look at us together me here with all my closest friends. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause it is friday the friday audience. The friday excitement. The friday electricity. You cannot fake that it has been a huge week in the democratic primary. There were some big president ial dropouts this week, including former new york mayor Michael Bloomberg, seen here hunting down the staffer who told him hed look more relatable in that shirt. laughter bloomberg spent a lot of money for very few votes, but he did leave a strong impression on one vital nonvoting demographic kids who saw his ads on youtube. One 13yearold interviewed by reporters estimates he has seen at least hundreds of bloombergs ads while watching gaming tutorials. Thats right Michael Bloomberg put ads on gaming tutorials. His tips collect and spend billions of coins, then immediately die on the first level. laughter applause and it made an impression. Ill get through it. And bloombergs ads worked. One eightyearolds mom said her son was inspired by bloomberg. All of a sudden, he was very passionate about it. Mikes going to do all these things. Hes not going to build the wall. And after super tuesday, there are a lot of things mikes not going to do. But one person still able to do some things is Bernie Sanders. Up until now, sanders has been the only candidate who has not released an obama ad. But after his lessthansuper tuesday, Bernie Sanders decided to embrace the former president. Bernie is someone who has the virtue of saying exactly what he believes great authenticity, great passion and is fearless. Bernie served on the Veterans Committee and got bills done. I think people are ready for a call to action. They want honest leadership who cares about them. Eyill find. Approve this message. Stephen wow. He is straight up stealing bidens whole identity. laughter whats next . as bernie im Bernie Sanders, and i have a message for the american people. No more malarkey. I was arrested on the way to see nelson mandela, and i once fought a marginalized African American child named corn pop. Come on horsefeathers crackerjack this is what you rubes like, right . Come on now, heres the rub bernie cherrypicked his quotes for that aanext. For example, the feel the bern quote came from a speech in which obama was endorsing hillary clinton. Bernies faced a lot of criticism for this ad, but he doesnt seem to be backing down. Take a look at what he just released just today. Tonight id like to talk about my brother, Bernie Sanders, a. K. A. , my best friend. This is an extraordinary man. Hes revolutionizing basketball. Bernie sanders killed osama bin laden. I. So in love where you Bernie Sanders. Bernie sanders for president. applause stephen that could help. That could help. That could push him over the top. This week, we found out that trumps getting his own popup ads in the sky, because the president s Reelection Campaign is planning to fly a blimp above swing states. Wow. A giant, slowmoving, disaster waiting to happen is getting his own blimp laughter of course, he might applause he might. Of course, he might be using the blimp just to fly away from us diseaseriddled humans, because were all worried about the coronavirus. Theres a lot of anxiety. And ill tell you all about it in tonights goin viral. Im dating the mucinex guy. Stephen were slowly learning more details about this thing. For instance, chinese scientists have identified two strains of the coronavirus original and extra crispy. One of the big pieces of advice to combat coronavirus is do not touch your face. But for one Public Health official in california, that was easier said than done. Today start working on not touching your face because one main way viruses spread is when you touch yourwn mouth, noe, orize. laughter laughter . Stephen yes yes, please dont touch your. Mouth. Nose. Or eyes. My colleague, dr. Robinson, can explain further. laughter applause cheers and applause the coronavirus is also having a huge effect on education. Including in the u. S. Erare now School Closures in 22 countries on three continents, adding up to 290. 5 Million Students worldwide. So many schools are offering online classes, including online physical education, where students follow along as an instructor demonstrates pushups onscreen. And to get the full gym class experience, they also send bullies to your house to throw balledup wet paper towels at you while you try to pee. laughter but not everyones acing teleschool. Around the world, grandparents are pitching in for childcare. But when it comes to helping the kids with the online classes, the grandparents do not always know the technology. as grandparent lets see here. It says here to use the onetime passcode to access the learning portal. okay. Huh. You know what, pumpkin . How about we do something we both like taking our pudding cups outside and yelling at the birds. Damn blue jays here in the u. S. , the majority of the cases seem to be centered around seattle. I guess it was a bad time for starbucks to testmarket their new coffeeug laughter delicious, delicious, deeps hot. Despite this risk, the organizers of next weekends emerald city comicon in seattle say it will go on as scheduled. Bringing thousands of nerds together in the middle of a viral outbreak . Forget dr. Who. I wanna know dr. Why . laughter comicons not the only venue you can still attend during the outbreak, because according to a medical expert, compared to other communal areas, the gym is not riskier. Cool i cant wait to definitely continue going to the gym to pump my irons and squat my thrusts. I love the grunting and the smells. laughter come on, Health Experts stop telling us to avoid fun places like concerts and sporting events but saying, gyms all clear next theyre going to say, stay away from pizza, but feel free to swing by the broccoli store. laughter now some businesses no one asked for this. applause im glad youre enjoying this. Im so glad, makes me happy, smiling little boy over there. Some businesses are being extra careful, particularly tech companies. Twitter has told all of its employees to work at home because of the coronavirus. Yes, important twitter does not want to create a harmful, toxic environment. In real life. Even tinder is trying to help fight coronavirus. The dating app now has a popup warning about the dangers of the highly contagious and potentially deadly disease. I believe we have a screenshot of that warning. Covid19 is highly contagious. Please wash your hands thoroughly before you and a stranger smash in this p. F. Changs bathroom. laughter lettuce wrap, baby. Jon ewwww ewwww noe. Stephen p. F. Chang . I like p. F. Chang. Amazon is also taking precautions. Theyve told their seattle employees to work from home all month. And if you work on amazon prime, you get sent home the next day. And theres one amazon employee who cant selfquarantine, and shes starting to get anxious about the virus. Alexa, how tall is Mount Everest . Who cares . Ill never see everest because your filthy children will give me coronavirus. laughter stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Neil Degrasse Tyson is here. Stick around. howling wind howling wind why wouldnt we expect our deodorant to dry in an instant . New degree advanced protection dry spray goes on instantly dry, for a cleaner feel. 72 hour protection in an instant. cat 2 fwhoa so many choices cat 1 look extra gravy cat 2 and lil soups cat 1 theres the shreds cat 2 yeah friskies has it all. cat 1 i want it all can i have it all . vo feed their fantasy. Friskies. Dont get mad. Get e trade, dawg. Are haikus better than fleece . Than. Fleece edition. Uh no way what about freckles . Freckles . grapes . pet rocks . What . are wizards better than fleece . you stole my bit neil. And no, nothings better than fleece. Get all jeans, sweatshirts and hoodies on sale up to fifty percent off at old navy there he is. Oh, wow. Youre doing, uh, youre doing really great with the twirling. Dad, if you want to talk, i have a break at 3 00. Okay, okay. Im going. Im gone. Like like i wasnt here. [ horn honks ] keep keep doing it, buddy. Switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. You know, like the sign says. Switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. Doesnt mean you got to spend a lot because dennys brought back the super slam™. With eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage and pancakes. All for just 6. 99. The 6. 99 super slam™ is back see you at dennys did you know this is where you can harness your inner jedi . And tear around radiator springs . Or get your flex on with the incredibles. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, wherever we want to go, we just have to start. Autosave your way there with chase. Chase. Make more of whats yours. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back oh, goodness, gracious. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is the director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of natural history, the host of cosmos, and hes my favorite astrophysicist. Please welcome Neil Degrasse tyson s applause applause stephen good to see you again. Thank you. But first stephen nice to have you back. Fess up how many astrophysicists do you know if im your favorite . I dont even know what that means . Stephen i dont want to know any others, neal. Do you understand. I dont remember my old girlfriends. I dont remember the astrophysicists before i met you. Neal spoiler alert youre a scientist. Indeed. Stephen and legally i am required to ask you your thoughts about the coronavirus. Oh. Stephen and i understand youre not a virologist, youre not an immunologist, youre not an epidemiologist, but i suspect im an astrophysicist, jim. Stephen but i suspect you have an opinion . A point of view, i would say. Im broadly scientifically literate, but what i was saying of this virus, i think were in the middle of a massive experiment worldwide. And that is stephen were the guinea pigs . Maybe. The experiment is will people listen to scientists . laughter applause in this case, referring to medical professionals stephen say anthony fauci. For example. Are you washing your hands . And are you taking these precautions . These are warnings offered by scientist s. Stephen for our own god. For our own good. It seems to me if we all listened and all paid attention dont freak out. Dont live a life lived in fear is a life half lived. So you dont want to applause im just so it would be interesting if we all paid attention to what scientists say. Maybe the coronavirus will just blow on by, with a minimum of cases. And then we kicked its ass for obeying the recommendations of stoiftz how to minimize your chances of getting it. That would be its an interesting experiment were in the middle of. Stephen i hope we win . laughter i hope science wins. I hope acknowledge knowledge comes out on top. Yes. Stephen last week it was announced that scientists have just discovered, observed, the largest explosion since the big bang. What was it . Where was it . And why was it . So we didnt see the explosion. We saw the hole the gaping hole left over by it. Stephen so theres theres a void, or something. 14 million lightyears away is a cluster of galaxies, and the medium in which these galaxies move, theres a very hot gas. Most clusters have this hot gas. You can detect it on xrays. Its glowing so hot, you see it on expraiz. They observe this gas in a galaxy cluster and it was a gaping hole all the way down to the monster galaxy in the center. And no one understood it at first. And we realized some time in the past there was an explosion from the black hole in the center of that galaxy and blew out a hole through this cluster. Stephen how big are we talking . laughter i understand. I understand that when were talking on supergalactic scales, the numbers dont mean anything. Its like, how much money did Mike Bloomberg waste . Its too big a number for us to understand. Hoe big are we talking here . Many, many diameters of our entire galaxy across the hole that came out of this galaxy cluster. But heres a fun point here. You can ask how big was that explosion . And if nothing else was ever that big, then your adjectives are challenged by this. Stephen what do you mean . Okay, for example, we had horses, right . Stephen right, yeah, yeah. Horse and buggy gli understand what a horse is. You dont have to act it out. The big thing with the hooves. So then we invented cars and we say, how do we know how powerful the car engine is . We measure it in horses, horse power. To this day, nasa will still report the power of rockets in horse power. Becae noatterowtrintoget twill , okay. laughter so it just doesnt make any sense. Its just theyre not horses lined up ins here. Thats not how that stephen i got it. So other news closer to home how far away was this one, by the way . Million lightyears. Stephen so a good disance. Safe away. Stephen also news from our solar system which im rather excited about theres a minimoon out there. The second ever disorder. You dont like this question. Why dont you like this question . Its a rock. Stephen its a minimoon. They could have called it a minirock. Would have been more accurate. Stephen its orbiting us, right . So is space junk. Plus we have a whole real moon still vying for our attention and we Pay Attention to a rock that just happened to wander by. Stephen come on everybodys looking for a new mo apause wresting hat the orbital pathways in the solar system are such that occasionally we can capture a wayward rock. Stephen this was drifting by and got whipped in. In a trajectory that enabled it most that go by go by unscathed but this one we happened to cairpt of. Stephen will it degrade and come in . Im not sure. I havent studied the mechanics of it. Its possible, but i think unlikely. Of all the things to worry about in the world today, dont worry about that. Stephen im not worried. Theres also suppose to be something about the size of Mount Everest whipping by in april. That would be bald. Like two and a half miles wide, Something Like that. Five or six miles across. The dinosaur the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs was the size of Mount Everest, so you dont want one of those coming down. Stephen so should i be make might go peace with a god who may or may not be there . No, this is not going to hit us. Stephen how do you know this . Because we have physics. Im not making this up. Stephen why did i learn about this rock if its not going to hint us. Its called a mass. Stephen okay. But theyre telling me this is going to come its called click bait. Stephen that i understand. That i understand. applause because im just thinking if this thing is going to come by if it was gog hit us on april 22, im like why am i purelling my hands . It doesnt matter. April 22, earth day. You would hope it wouldnt hit on to me that would be embarrassing. Here we are trying to protect earth and nature kills earth. Stephen this is the 50th, right . A nice round year for earth day. Stephen this 50th seeing how were treating the earth, should we celebrate earth day or just apologize to the earth this time around . We should do both. First apologize and then tell earth how youre going to make things better. The first earth day was in 1970. You know why it was 1970 . Why wasnt it in 1960 or 1965 or 1980 . Stephen i have a feel yore about to tell me. Were actively going to be walking on the moon by 1970, with this spacecraft, the saturn 5. All of us didnt make it to the moon. Just a little upper part where the astronauts are. You need that much fuel to pull that off. So then we go to the noon explore the moon, and we turn around and discover earth for the first time. Stephen nonetheless entirety. Earth, earth. applause stephen not enough guests to bring visual aids. Thank you very much. Im just saying, earth. And there it was alone in the vacuum dark of space. And you see it not as the social studies classroom globe showed you. There were no colorcoded countries on it. All you saw was blue oceans and dry land and clouds. And at that moment, everyone changed. Everybody said, oh, my gosh. Pollution is not just this river behind my house or this lake. It is global. We have to think about earth as a planet. And, you know, what happened in 1970 . Earth day was founded. The the the Environmental Protection agency was voted into into existence. By the way, by a republican president. And what else happened . Over those years that we were walking on the moon, through 1973, leaded gas was banned. What else happened . The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration was founded to take a look at the climate on earth. No one before had thought of connecting the oceans and the clouds before. And theyre both in the same title of that agency. A comprehensive clean air act, clean water act all that happened while we were going to the moon. And people ask applause and people ask, why are we going to space . You know why you go to space . A cosmic perspective can descend upon you in such a way that you are realigned with your own survival and the survival of others in such a way that maybe youre going to do something about it. And on the 50th anniversary of that, and we need to keep doing it. applause stephen i agree. Can you neil. Can you run for president . 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They gave a list of things people were most concerned about and it was, like, tuberculosis, like, is there enough food to feed the growing population . Those were big concerns back then. They didnt about astroadside, that they can render you and i think. What do we worry about in the year 2000 . Asteroids that can render you and i think . Were worried about y2k. Were worried about a. I. Are they going to make us their pets when stephen god, i hope so. Im tired of making decisions. You better hope they only make us their pets because that means they might even take care of us. Otherwise they might judge they woo are a scourge on the earths surface and, therefore, should be extinguished. If the entire list of what people are worried about now is different fom the year 1900, what i fear the most in 2100 is the stuff we havent figured out yet that will compose an existential risk to us. Stephen you fear not knowing what to fear. Wow. Thats terrifying. applause okay, neil, youre known for having opinions about a lot of things so i just want to get into something here points of view. Stephen whats the difference between an opinion and a point of view . The point of view can be completely accurate whether or not you like it. Whereas you can have an opinio opinion,. Stephen that is only your opinion. You also weigh in on movies a fair amount. How did you get that what did you do back here . Stephen i got these right here. I got these right here. This one, you said about the film ed astra. You said laughter you dont see any reason to be a moon pirate . There has got to be money up there. Theyre mining asteroids, man . Its expensive. Pirates dont have that much disposable income, i dont think. Oh, gosh. Stephen this one got a lot of people oh, gosh. Stephen . Scratching their heads and shaking their fists at you. Im not sure what motivated this one. laughter applause and the natural question is, why are you sayin . Im just sayin. So, first of all, stephen are you worried about her. Let me make that clear, thats not an opinion. I measured the size of her head. I measured her eyeballs. Those are measurements. I didnt just pull that out of ether. Stephen thats science. Thats science. Its not an opinion. You dont have to like my science, but that doesnt make it wrong because you didnt like it. laughter stephen neil, the nice thing the nice thing about talking to you is you always open my eyes to perspectives and ideas i didnt know i cared about. laughter and now i do. Wonderful to see you. Wonderful to see you, neil. There you go. Cosmos possible worlds airs mondays on national geographic. Neil Degrasse Tyson, everybody well be right back. Im your 70lb st. Bernard puppy, and my lack of impulse control, is about to become your problem. Ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . 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What was it like growing up there . Its a beautiful area. It is it was logging country. It is now wine country stephen we love small towns on this show. You know that. You watch the show every night. In fact, we have a segment the show called community ar whwe higight in smaller communities. Ng wou maybe kedot with me . Well, Stephen Stephen great because its time for grants pass, oregons Community Calendar applause welcome to Community Calendar, your source for whats happening in and around grants pass and the greater Josephine County area. Joining me is native grants passian, ty burrell. Thanks, stephen. cheers and applause you know what we say in grants pass, oregon if youre granted a chance to visit, dont pass it up. laughter stephen oregonna regret it laughter so here are some actual events going on this month around grants pass. Tomorrow, head over to the lincoln road Veterinary Clinic where theyll be offering nonanesthetic teeth cleaning for dogs, which should leave plenty of anesthetic for the vets g bien off. On march 7, head to the Josephine Community library for their event treats for teens. Reminder this event is inside the library. laughter if someone in the parking lot is offering treats for teens, call the police. laughter stephen are you a morning person that loves skeet shooting . Who isnt, stephen . Stephen well, then, on march 14, head over to rogue valley Sporting Clays for their wakeup shoot. Far less controversial than last years event, skeet shooting while you sleep. laughter on march 14 and 15, make your way to the rogue creamery for the oregon cheese festival an event celebrating cheese and everything that goes with it. So, farts. laughter stephen on march 14 at the Josephine County fairgrounds, its the enlightened living faire featuring reiki, tarot, astrology, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture. And rest assured every person that offers a product or service has submitted two references. laughter so dont you worry, that lady shoving needles in your face knows at least two people. laughter applause on march 13, at the vice brewing company, check out the baby mama drag show. One of the drag performers is expecting, so theyre asking for donations of diapers, wipes, or clothes. Its a girl yes, girls clothes only. The baby mama drag show is very serious about traditional gender roles. Stephen head over to alibi tavern on march 8 for the 2020 Southern Oregon battle of the bands. This years lineup includes autopilot miscreants, beyond the tide, and death plant. Tickets are just 5, and kids 10 and under are free. Great news for all those nineyearold fans of plant. laughter on march 27 and 28, the rise aerial dance studio presents women rising a night of circus and dance. Stephen sounds like a great night out with the kids. Im afraid not. This circus involves burlesque, so its adults only. Stephen okay. But will they still be cotton candy . Oh, yes. Shell be there. laughter applause stephen on march 21, get ready for dine in the dark where you can enjoy a fourcourse meal in complete darkness for added fun, dinner will be served at rogue barbers barbershop. So come on down and reach for a fork, accidentally grab the scissors, stab yourself in the mouth, and then drink a bottle of barbacide laughter on march 22, baldinis restaurant is hosting a fundraiser for the Humane Society called the spayghetti dinner. All proceeds go to the spay and neuter programs. So come for the spayghetti. Dont eat the meatballs. laughter applause stephen well, that does it for grants pass, oregons Community Calendar. As we like to say who is grant, and what is he passing . laughter stephen well never know check out duncanville sunday nights on fox ty burrell, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause instant, why wouldnt we expect our deodorant to dry in an instant . New degree advanced protection dry spray. Goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. 72 hour protection in an instant. Ill b waiting here waiting just for you welcome to my world im the founder of the honey pot. My name is beatrice dixon. In the beginning it wasnt easy to, like, start this company. And there was a lot of times that it almost didnt happen. If target didnt take the chance on us, we wouldnt be in all the retailers that were in today. But whats really dope, is they helped us with the product line, the packaging. They really, like, changed my life. The reason why its so important for honey pot to do well is so the next black girl that comes up with a great idea, she could have a better opportunity. 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Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. applause get ready, yall get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet about being a scientist at 3m. I wanted them to know that innovation is not just about that one aha moment. Science is a process. It takes time, dedication. Its a journey. Were constantly asking ourselves, how can we do things better and better . what we make has to work. We strive to protect you. At 3m, were in pursuit of solutions that make peoples lives better. Just a blur when they jumped the median. The corner of my eye. At 3m, were in pursuit of solutions there was nothing i could do. daughter daddy dad vo shes safe because of our first outback. And our new ones even safer. avo welcome to the allnew subaru outback. An iihs top safety pick plus. The highest level of safety you can earn. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back folks, my next guest is a standup comedian making her Network Television debut. Please welcome Hannah Einbinder applause good evening. You know, when some comedians start offside their set, they will say Something Like, let me tell you a little bit about me. Well, this is my version of that. My mother had me when she was 42 because before that age, she was. Busy. laughter see, my mother made the money in our house. She was 12 years older than my father and refused to legally marry him. What does being a woman mean to me . laughs it means being a man. laughter in our house, when mother kissed us good night, she kissed us twice once for the evening, and once to make up for not being there the next day. But dont fret on me, new york city. No, see, i was raised by my real mom, mi madre israel gloria lopez cabrera. She taught me everybody i know. She is the reason why when i burn my hand instead of saying, i say ay but lets go back even further. The year was 1995, and mommy and daddy wanted a boy, so genetic engineers sorted through my fathers. Genetic material and eliminated all of the sperm with the x x female chrome soames. All but one. laughter nine months later, mommas little boy arrived a girl as a reminder to my parents that if they wanted to play god, theyd have to deal with the devil herself. laughter so who is your guys deal . applause im bisexual. I prefer to date women. Men to, me, are like las vegas i show up. I lose everything that i came with. I vow never to return again. laughter and then six months later, im like, lets go to vegas laughter applause boy, privacy is hard to come by these days, wouldnt you say, folks . Wouldnt you say . I mean, its like you cant even sit in front of a fountain with your head in your hands rocking back and forth, sobbing, without ioning it,oming up, taking a current mood. You just. Cant get a moment alone. And i think social media has a lot to do with this. Ill give you an example. I heard a young woman on the phone the other day, her conversation sounded a little bit like this so, did i tell you, mila uninvite meade to her birthday brunch . Yeah, i know, fully criminal. It was all set up, and the night before she called me and said, veer, i think im going to go with my parents. I was pissed, but i didnt say anything, the next day, the snapchat story at 1 27 p. M. At catch and west hollywood. Yup, instagram, 2 00 p. M. , they upload a picture of the two of them, happy birthday to my b. P. F. It gets worse, facebook live, 3 58 to 3 59. Did she think i wasnt going to see it . laughter i like to think that if the same situation had occurred in, say, the year 1935, it would have sounded Something Like this hello, mod. Hi, blanch, whats the news fit to print . Remember the soiree we are planned . Sure. Mommy and daddy said no can do. This is fine. This is fine, indeed so long, so long. And thats it. applause you know, folks, i dont know what it was like being a woman in the 30s, and i dont claim to, but i have cried while washing the dishes before. And i think thats close. laughter thank you very much. Good night. applause weou kis place. Have you flown the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy . You gotta love that. Have you raced through radiator springs . Or struck a power pose with them . Now is the perfect time to feel like this. And this. And definitely that. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child. Doesnt mean you got to spend a lot because dennys brought back the super slam™. With eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage and pancakes. All for just 6. 99. 9 sur slam™ is back see you at dennys stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in next week when ill be joined by john krasinski, charles barkley, and dixie chicks. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from way from inside