Bark. One more thing does it remind you of something . Reminds you of this, right . With Stephen Colbert tonight, social distancing, plus stephen welcomes trevor noah, and musical guests willie, lukas and micah nelson, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody. Welcome to a late show. I am still your host Stephen Colbert. My crew is still one of my children. Tonight it is my son john. Hello, john. Havebe ltht. Youre not micd. Hello stephen there you go. John is doing his homework right now. Hes in high school about to graduate. What homework are you doing now . Im reading beloved by toni morrison. Stephen beloved by toni morrison. Is it funny . I dont know. It could be a kneeslapper. Im ignorant. How many pages are on . Um, page four. Stephen page four maybe its all set up, maybe theres a punchline coming up on the next page. I hope you had a lovely weekend. Actually, i hope you had a weekend because that means you can still differentiate the days of the week. I know that one of these past couple of days had to be a saturday because i, along with the jimmies, cohosted one world together at home which raised 120 million for the w. H. O. And frontline healthcare workers. Thank you, lady gaga, and thank you to all the corporations that donated money like cocacola and pepsi and spanx. By the way, if you wear spanx as a face mask it will really firm up your butt chin. Oh, check your calendars today is 42whoo ethay home, stay on the couch, eat snacks, binge watch netflix and really get paranoid about your cough. Of course, if you dont smoke marijuana you still may drink alcohol. The World Health Organization just released their new fact sheet, alcohol and covid 19, what you need to know. The w. H. O. Warns alcohol compromises the bodys immune system and increases the risk of adverse outcomes. This is true. Even in nonpandemic times the use of alcohol can cause liver damage, heart disease, rick and morty tattoos and acute cases of, hey, yall watch this jump off of something. The fact sheet follows with quarantine guidelines like when working from home adhere to your usual workplace rules and do not drink. Well, thank goodness my usualrk. Mmm, please work responsibly. You know who i bet could use a drink now . The fossil fuel industry. They had a bit of a bizarre day. Oil prices sunk to historic lows, at one point reaching negative 40 a barrel. Negative 40 bucks i think that means when you go to the gas station, you get a free tank and 40 worth of slim jims. Now, to save their profits, Texas Oil Fields are immediately switching over to drilling for toilet paper. So, how do you get to negative oil pricing . Well, because of quarantine, demand for fuels has plummeted, causing oil supplies to pile up. And now, Oil Producers are paying buyers to take the commodity off their hands over fears that Storage Capacity could run out. Bad news for the oil folks, but great news for anyone who owns an aboveground pool. Now, weve all been isolating for at least a month, and some of us are starting to go a little kooky in the old squirrel cage. Like a handful of idiots who were out this weekend protesting washington state, carrying the sign give me liberty, or give me covid19. Buddy, youre in a large crowd, youre not wearing a mask, youre not six feet away from people, you might not need to choose. Many of the protesters lamented the loss of their everyday activities, like this woman in wisconsin with the sign i want a haircut. Looks like your sign has a typo. We fixed it for you. It should read, i want to endanger the lives of your grandparents in exchange for fosted tips. I get that this is a land of liberty, but these protesters arent just putting themselves at risk. The whole reason we are socially distancing in the first place is to prevent spreading the virus, especially to our older relatives. I mean, theres a reason the boston tea partiers didnt throw nana in the harbor. If theres one thing this country is unified about, its social distancing. On thursday, even donald trump encouraged social distancing. And the next day he tweeted in support of the protests liberate minnesota liberate michigan and liberate virginia and save your great Second Amendment. It is under siege ah, yes, the Second Amendment is so important right now cause if you run out of lysol, you can shoot your groceries. To be clear, trump is encouraging his followers to protest his own recommendations. Thats how much he needs to hear a chanting mob. Hes like angry tinker bell. as trump quick, kids, scream lock her up or ill die. Trump thinks these protests are justified because people are bored. I have seen the people, i have seen them interviews these are great people. Look, they want to get they call, cabin fever. Youve heard the term . Theyve got cabin fever. Stephen just because you have cabin fever doesnt give you the right to go out and spread fever fever and trumps not the only one egging on the virushuggers. So is trump adviser and man choking on a peanut, stephen moore. Last week moore encouraged people to go out and protest in wisconsin by saying this we need to be the rosa parks here and protest against these government injustices. Stephen that analogy is the Martin Luther king of dumb. And i want to point out that moore is encouraging people to go out and risk their health and others on a zoom call from his living room. Such courage. Its like the climactic scene from braveheart. scottish accent they may take our lives, but they will never oops, sorry. Im on mute. Let me know how the battle goes. Ill be on slack. Trump said a lot of other dumb stuff at his daily screamers this weekend. For instance, he continued to defend the job hes done on testing. And by defend, i mean lie through his teeth you see so much about testing. What we have done is incredible in testing. And i started with an obsolete broken system from a Previous Administration or administrations. I inherited broken junk. Stephen you inherited broken junk . Thats a terrible way to talk about your fathers penis. Though there are very few good ways. Trump brought up some props to help him out with the testing questions i have something here, just happen to have a swab. Looks innocent, not very complicated. Anybody like to see what it looks like . Should i open it . Does everybody . Open it up i will. I will. This is what it is about, right . Does it, does it remind you of something . Reminds you of this, right . One is a swab, one is a qtip. Stephen i want to point out that a qtip is just a brand name of swab. Its the same thing. It is actually different. It is very sophisticated, actually. Stephen ooh, right. I forgot that the longer something is, the more sophisticated it is. Thats why only true sophisticates measure their fruit by the foot. But trump spent most of the time focused on the real hero him. In fact, and i appreciate it very much, the wall street journal wrote a fantastic piece, a highly respected gentlemen, christopher demouthe, and this piece was just in the wall street journal. The weekend edition. And trump rewrites the book on emergencies. He has vivified the american way and action once it was reluctantly aroused. It was hard to get it aroused, and it is hard to get it aroused, but we got it aroused. Stephen gagging wall street journal, please dont associate the words trump and aroused. gagging then a reporter pressed trump on why he was spending so much time praising himself more than 22 million americans are currently unemployed as a result of this. Yeah. Today, we hit the grim milestone of more than 40,000 americans now having died from the coronavirus. Can you explain then why you come out here and you are reading clips and showing clips of praise for you and for your administration . Is this really the time for selfcongratulations . Well, i will tell you this. What i am doing is im standing up with the men and women that have done such an incredible job, not for me, for the men and women. These people are right now in hospitals, it is dangerous, it is going to a battlefield. I want these people i want you it is all about that. It is not about me. Nothing is about me. Stephen as trump look, there has never been a president who makes it less about me than me. Honestly, i dont get enough credit for making this not about me. I should get a medal that says most about not me. thanks to the pandemic shutdown, Small Businesses are suffering more than ever, which is why last month, the congress and the president signed off on 349 billion in grants known as the Paycheck Protection Program or p. P. P. Of course, many of trumps top advisers have their own Paycheck Protection Program known as d. A. D. Evidently, the program to save Small Businesses had a lot in common with Small Businesses, because it ran out of money on thursday. Okay, so the Paycheck Protection Program wasnt protected . Thats like your condom catching chlamydia. And thats not the only problem. Re unae to get the f, up by National Hotel and restaurant chains, like the publiclytraded company, ruths chris steak house. Come on, ruth doesnt need that money she already has her own chris hes constantly cooking her steaks and, of course, people got mad at these big businesses who scooped up the cash. So today, one of them gave it back. The burger chain shake shack has agreed to return its 10 million government loan, saying, the money it received could be reallocated to the independent restaurants who need it mos, and havent gotten any assistance. It then gave the independent restaurants a large plastic buzzer and said when that vibrates, just come to the counter to get your cash. The money also didnt go to the industries and parts of the country that were hardest hit by covid. For instance, texas has the tenth largest coronavirus caseload, but still got more p. P. P. Loans than any other state. Which explains why theyve changed their motto from the Lone Star State to just the loan state. Now, donald trump and nancy pelosi traded insults all weekend. Pelosi went on the fox news and let trump have it hes a weak leader. He doesnt take responsibility. He places blames blame on others and that might have been okay for before, but we cannot continue down a path that is, again the president gets an f, a failure on the testing. Stephen chris wallace, come on why did you invite her on his Favorite Network . Thats like your mom inviting your bully over for tea. as mom oh, look who it is, honey its ben mccrackin. I showed him your underwear drawer so hell know what to grab at your next wedgie. Peosi was also on this week with the george, and he asked her what about trump shes most afraid of im afraid that hes going to act on the set basis of what hes acted before. Its a hoax. Its magically going to disappear. Hes failed in the testing and the rest and its a hoax and its going to magically disappear. Thats not based on science. This isnt magical. Stephen oh, really . Tell that to our next secretary of health and human services, criss angel. Weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to trevor noah from the daily show. So, stick around. cause thats when trevors going to be here. You know, around later when hes stuck. Jean, did you know geico is now offering an extra 15 credit on car and motorcycle policies . Thats great thats 15 on top of what geico could already save you. So what are you waiting for . John stamos to knit you a scarf . All finished, jean. Enjoy thank you. I give. The stitch work is impeccable. Its just a double fleck pattern with a reverse garter stitch. No big deal. Is your hair this soft . Softer. Geico. Save an extra 15 when you switch by october 7th. Less oral steroids. Taking my treatment at home. Nucala is a oncemonthly addon injection for severe eosinophilic asthma. Not for sudden breathing problems. Allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or trouble breathing. Infections that can cause shingles have occurred. Dont stop steroids unless told by your doctor. Tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. May cause headache, injection site reactions, back pain, and fatigue. Ask your doctor about nucala at home. Find your nunormal with nucala. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. California. We were one of the first stations to pilot a fleet of electric vehicles. Were striving to deliver a package with zero emissions into the air. I feel really proud of the impact that has on the environment. We have two daughters and i want to do everything i can to protect the environment so hopefully they can have a great future. vo through our love promise, subaru and our retailers i can to protect the environment are proud to be replanting 500,000 trees. In areas devastated by wildfires. Subaru. More than a car company. Lily everyone in the house is online and i cant get enough bandwidth to video chat with my book club. Try 1 gig internet with at t fiber. You get more bandwidth and hbo max included. So, everyone stays entertained. So i can just watch the show instead of reading the book . Thats almost reading. You know, if you turn on your subtitles. Get 1 gig internet with at t fiber for 49. 99a month for a year. No annualcontract. And now get hbo max included. Limited availability in select areas. Call 1. 877. Only. Att stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Before we go any further, please say hi to our friend jon batiste. Jon hello, everybody. Whats happening . Whats happening . Stephen jon, i like your new digs. Can you play with other people or only by yourself now . Jon i can play by myself but with technology i can double or triple myself as many times as i want. Stephen i saw keith urban do that on saturday night. Jon yeah, i saw you on there. That was nice. Stephen it was a lovely night. Jon yeah, and, you know, i like to see the rolling stones. I dont know how they made that work. They went different places. Stephen it was so great jon yeah. Yeah. Stephen im not sure if keith was playing. Really . You think he was faking it . Stephen he was mostly kind of petting it. Keith was mostly just petting the guitar. Jon i heard the sound. Stephen and Charlie Watts definitely wasnt playing. No, no, no. He was, like, air drumming. It was like the cymbal was sounding but there was no symbol. Stephen im guessing what he did was he played the drums first and everybody played on top of him. Jon you know, i think mick actually recorded first, if im not mistaken, because he was actually playing and singing. It seemed like everybody else recorded to his video. Stephen okay. All right. Jon thats the times were living in. Stephen ill ask him the next time i see him. Well, jon, good luck. Good luck in your splendid isolation. Jon yes, indeed. Ill be here. Stephen all right. Ill be here. Say hi to the 88s for us. piano riff jon batiste, everybody. Joining me tonight is the host of the daily show which is currently the daily social distancing show on comedy central, please welcome our trevor noah. Trevor, its nice to see you. Whats happening, Stephen Colbert . Stephen oh, just going doing a show like you. Just attempting to do a show is what were doing. Thats what this is. Stephen thats right. In many ways i felt bad about the situation were in until i saw nascar drivers losing their minds because driving virtually wasnt what they were used to in real life. And then i was like, oh, yeah, okay, maybe im not the only one losing my mind trying to do what i do in this environment. Stephen it is, one of the craziest things is youre going through this very odd isolated experience and because of that, youre not actually aware all the time that every person is going through the same isolated experience. I mean, you know it intellectually. Yes. Stephen but just because of the nature of it, you dont get to see it happening to other people most of the time. Right, right. And i think whats weird is, because social media has always been a faux social experience, social media gives you the idea that nothing has really changed when, in fact, everything has change. So its only when i go out for a walk and see new york city like ive never seen it before that i realize, like, the time were living in, because a lot of the time, online, you know, people are still doing viral challenges the same, people are still fighting the same, everything seems the same, but, man, were living in a different world. Stephen have you learned anything about yourself while you have been in quarantine . What have i learned about myself . Um, ill be honest, i feel like im made for social distancing. Some of my friends are going crazy because they miss being outdoors. I dont miss outdoors, i dont miss going to movies, restaurants, i dont miss the clubs, i dont miss walking, i dont miss anything. Im not going to lie to you. I miss people being able to live their normal lives. You know, i miss living in a world where people have time to fight about other things and are not stressed by just being able to go outside. So that part of it, i, i miss. But for myself, im not going to lie to you, stephen, i feel like i was made for this. This is how i wish i could live life, being forced to stay indoors and not being made to feel guilty every time i dont want to leave because its a beautiful day. People always do that, its so beautiful, why dont you go outside . I want to be inside. Now i have to be inside and im in heaven. Im not going to lie to you. Stephen were entering month two of doing the show from home. Yes. Stephen how are you maintaining your judgment in your head as to how to do material . Because you and i both are used to performing in front of live audiences. Thats how i came up, i know youre a standup. And were like musicians, the audience is the instrument. Right now were being asked to read sheet music in our head and never get to hear any reaction. Whats that doing to you . I feel like one of two things will happen. Either i will come out on the other side of this as a better comedian or i will have no sense of where comedic timing lies and i will embark on an esoteric journey of telling people stories when im on stage. Because im not going to lie to you, i dont know. Ive tried to remember every audience ive had the privilege of performing for for the last 15 years and i try to think of where theyd laugh, but i dont know. I just dont know. Stephen i thought i did it first. I thought i knew at first, but then after you do it for a month, youre going, wait a second, is that how would you say that line . Yes. Stephen how would you should you really because there . But theres nobody laughing. Why am i pausing . But all the rhythm makes you want to pause. Well, theres no, its like imagine doing the zoom call by yourself, performing just to a camera would be the equivalent of. Stephen lets talk about the news a little bit, okay, mr. Fake news. Lets talk about this a second. So, biden is now going to be the nominee. Yes. Stephen i know you have a bernie. Do you have a biden . I dont have a biden. Stephen its hard. I dont have a biden. Biden doesnt have like a hook. He doesnt have a hook and hes not consistent in his speech patterns. Like, bernie has a specific rhythm when he speaks and his actions. Even obama has a specific rhythm and actions. Thats a pretty good stephen this is it. Thats a pretty good biden. Stephen thats all i have. Im white, i have big teeth and i have sunglasses. laughter hey, man look i actually think its a pretty good biden. Stephen you thought you were one of the few people that i know back in 2016 whos like, no, trumps got a good shot at winning this. What do you think now . Of where we are right now . I dont think anything now. Before coronavirus, i thought trump had a good shot of winning again because, a, the democrats didnt seem to be able to get anything together and, b, like, the economy was great, and i always said to people from the beginning, trumps leadership had never been tested. People forget, every single issue or every single scandal his administration has faced has been something thats been self imposed, right . So every crisis has been something theyve created for themselves. I would always say to my friends, i do not want to see what happens when trump has to fix something that he didnt break. Whether you like him or not, you have to admit, he didnt create coronavirus. Now, his response to it is exposing his lack of leadership, and its exposing, like, the comical cast of characters that he has with him in the white house, and i think thats going to be something that might hurt him is, when the dust settles, and people start to go through what the administration could have done, didnt do, ignored, et cetera, as much as he tries to pass the buck, youre still the president , and when people have lost loved ones, have lost their jobs, are struggling, thats when people are a lot less forgiving of your you know, the way you tweet or the way you slam people at press conferences. I think this could be a bigger test than he ever thought he would have before the election. Stephen it appears to be the biggest test any president has faced, certainly since 9 11 if not world war ii. But have you noticed Something Interesting . Donald trump may be the only president in the world, especially of a developing nation, who is fighting with people in his country right now or even the press. If you look at most people in the world, if you look at most president s, its almost become a moment of, like, its us versus corona. Stephen yes, like the aliens have landed on the planet. I used to think if aliens landed the whole world would come together, whereas now i realize if aliens landed it would be people versus the aliens who are trying to kill us, and then donald trump would have a weird side plot happening at the same time. Stephen a side deal to get the aliens to stay at mara lago. laughter its ridiculous. I cant believe its real life. Stephen what are you guys doing at the daily show . I know you have been raising money for charitable causes. Who is it . What have you been doing . Anything we can. Thats one of the hardest aspects of reality we have to accept now is that the American Government hasnt prepared itself for Something Like this and, in their defense, i dont know that you can fully prepare. Some countries have done better than others, especially when it comes to preparing to feed people and keeping people off unemployment, et cetera. Were trying to give a platform to any organization thats helping with that. So, feeding america, i mean, they jumped from needing to feed 40 Million People and its going to be 50, 60 Million People, which is ridiculous, people who just dont have meals every day. Weve been working with no kid hungry, who have been working to get kids meals because schools are shut down, were working with jennifer garners Reading Program as well to get kids reading or entertainment or anything while parents are struggling with them at home. And, yeah, weve been teaming up with any organization to help them when theyre needed. Thats the only thing we can do right now. Were stuck at home and if anyone can, they can donate. I always tell people, give a dollar, a dollar, a dollar, you can be surprised at how much we can raise together. So, thats what were trying to do. Stephen trevor, we have to take a break, but dont go away. Wel be right back with trevor noah. Hey, can i. Hold on one second. Sure. Okay. Okay safe drivers save 40 guys guys check it out. Safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him hes here. Hes right here. Hi hi. Hey thats totally him. Its him thats totally the guy. Safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Safei like big jeans. 40 . Ittybitty jeans. Feelin trendy yall, with the straight jeans showin off those curves, cause you the queen everyone go slay in your Old Navy Jeans welcome to denim america. With fits for the whole fam. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com [gas splashing in tank] [spoon clinking in mug] the Bulleit Frontier Fund is making a commitment to help bartenders keep doing what they do best. Lets keep our bartenders pouring. Squirmy . Y . Scratchy . Family not getting clean . Get charmin ultra strong. Got get em it just cleans better, with a washclothlike texture your family can use less while still getting clean. Goodbye itchy squirm. Hello clean bottom we all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin. Contactless delivery tarright to your door,very designed for your day. So you can work out, join in, and game on. Just download the target app and try it today. Stephen folks, were back with the host of the daily social distancing show, trevor noah. Now, i know before the coronavirus hit that you had Just Launched a world tour. Is this correct . I had, indeed, stephen. Stephen where do you have time to do a world tour . We both work on a show every night, and i dont even bathe every day. How can you world tour, trevor . Yeah, because because i didnt have a little thing known as a family, stephen. So stephen so you dont sleep, you dont go home. Theres nobody waiting for me at home. Stephen awwww. There are no kids, that i know of, so im in a world where i have a whole bunch of extra time you parents arent quite familiar with. Parents always ask me that question, where do you find the time . Its because i didnt make human beings that take my time, thats why i have the time. And i acknowledge that, when that happens, i will no longer have the time, so thats what i was using for the world tour. But now theres no world tour because of coronavirus. And so, yeah, i have a little bit more time. Although i feel like i have less time because now everybodys at home thinking they can call me because im free like them, but im not free like them, so i end up having less time, which is very strange. Stephen loud and clear, that was the name of the tour . Loud and clear was the name of the tour. Stephen while it was before it was postponed, you were the first africanamerican african comedian to sell out Madison Square garden. Congratulations. How did that feel . Thank you. I might hold the record forever because i dont know when Madison Square garden will be able to reopen. It was one of the landmark achievements in life that you dont appreciate until the moment passed because when youre at Madison Square garden performing for the crowd, all youre thinking is just put on the best show you can, and then, after the show, theres still the rush of you just performed at. S. G. And it is only like a few weeks later you sit back and go, man, i sold out Madison Square garden, and you think back to when i started doing comedy in new york, i had maybe 15 or 20 people that came to my show. I remember it was at the bleaker street theater, the culture project, it was called, and that was down on mulberry street, and that was, like that was the beginning for me. And to look you know, youve got 20 people in an audience who tell their friends who tell their friends who tell their friends who tell their friends, and then it spreads and the next thing, one day, many years later, youre performing at m. S. G. With, in many ways, the same people that youve come to know over all these years. So it was a really emotional experience, once i had the time to think about it. So, yeah, hopefully, it wont be the last time that i get to do that not just as m. S. G. But anywhere in the world. Stephen without a doubt, we dont know when its going to be over but it will be over. Yeah, but hopefully sooner than later. Some people say 2021 for a big event, some people say 2022, some people say 2023. So for now, i just sit at home and i reminisce, stephen. Thats all i do. I reminisce. Stephen listen, ill let you go, but before we do, do you have any show and tell, anything . Something from the room . Anything you want to share with us . What do you mean from the room . What room . Stephen the room youre in. Anything from the room. What is that over your shoulder . Is that a candle over your this thing . Stephen yes. Its like a thing that holds a candle on the inside, and then its one of those things that you get when youre decorating a house and you think its a great idea and, when you clean it for the first time youre, like, no, i dont want to put a candle inside here ever again, so now its just a thing. Stephen now its an unlikely murder weapon. Yeah, thats all it is. Its like a very heavy object i can use to defend myself if somebody climbs on to my balcony. Thats pretty much it. Stephen dont do it, america. And this is a coin i have from nasa when i went to visit them in houston. Stephen whoo yeah, thats pretty s. Eah. Tephen thats really cool. Phen i asmy guests legally li have to ask this of all my guests, if you could go to space, would you, trevor . If i could go to space, would i . Stephen would you go . Definitely. But i wouldnt go first. I would want a lot of people to go before me. I know it will be safe when they do it, but i just want to see what the side effects are going to be for normal people who havent trained their bodies. Like, after a year, were going to discover the first people who went, their bones are doing weird things, like their neck is growing faster than the rest of their torso. Something weird will happen. I want to see them do it. Stephen i would like to see that, someones neck grow faster than the rest of their body. I think they say d. N. A. Or the structure of your cells if youre in space long enough actually changes. Stephen you just blew my mind. I could be completely wrong. I dont know where any of my information comes from anymore. I could be crazy. But i know you talk to astronauts all the time on the show. Stephen this might not actually be happening, this could actually just be a fantasy, a fever dream youre having right now, trevor. I have many fever dreams where im talking to Stephen Colbert. This is normal. This is even precorona, how i live my life. Stephen trevor, be safe. Yesss my regards to thegood. Family. And good luck out there. Stephen say hello to the old daily show gang for me. See ya. The daily socially distancing show airs weeknights on comedy central. Mr. Trevor noah, everybody. Well be right back. Were for those who love to discover. Who know an open mind is the only kind. Who dont need to travel to find something new. Who know where to escape, even just for a moment. Who dont need a fortune to find a gem. And who know when you spend less, you can discover even more. And never, ever stop discovering. Spend less, discover more. At t. J. Maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. But come ye back when su mom, dad. Whys jamie here . Its sunday. Sunday sing along. And he helped us get a home and auto bundle. Hes been our insurance guy for five years now. He makes us feel like were worth protecting. [ gasps ] why didnt you tell us about these savings, flo . Ive literally told you a thousand times. Oh, danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling im just gonna. From glen to glen im just gonna. Top down, the city riding with me been through the storm and the gritty do it for the mom pop on every block new day, sunshine on every block windows open, im yelling unity side by side with my community celebrate, lets have a jubilee its bigger than you and me theyve been there for us lets be there for them theyve been there for us peter walsh people came and they met and they felt comfortable. Its what we did with coogans. You felt safe and, if you were safe, you could be joyful. Everybody has a coogans. And almost half those Small Businesses, they could close if people dont do something. We have to keep our communities together. Ses, thats how we get through this. My hygienist cleans with a round head, so does my oralb. My hygienist personalizes my cleaning, so does my oralb. My hygienist uses just the right pressure, and so does my oralb. Oralb combines a dentistinspired brush head with the gentle energy of microvibrations for the wow of a professional clean feel every day. My mouth says wow and so does my oralb. You cant claim that because its inanimate [ sigh ] people ask. What sort of a person should become a celebrity accountant . And, i tell them, nobody should. Hey, buddy. Whats the damage . [ on the phone ] i bought it the waterfall . Nope my new volkswagen. A volkswagen . i think were having a breakthrough here. Welcome to caesars palace. Thank you. Stephen welcome baaln selfisolation for a while, now, and it can be pretty rough, especially people spending time alone like my writer django gold. I was curious on how django was doing so he sent me this status report. Even though i have been inside for over a month, im always finding some new challenge, like what does that billboard say . I wish i lived on the fifth floor. These are weird times, but it helps to stick to a schedule. I make sure so shower, shave and do a comprehensive calisthenics routine every morning. Depending on how you define morning. Soornt. I have been eating a lot of bread and cheese, so that i have the energy to tackle the day. After this im going to do my comprehensive calisthenics routine. The key is to stay busy, always be busy. I was going to do a jigsaw puzzle, but then i found instructions online for how to make my own. I did it even faster yesterday. Having all this free time is really opening up my world and its allowing me to do the things i always wanted to do. Yeah. Like that stack of new yorkers on my table. Now i finally have time to throw them away. Better luck next pandemic fellas, ive got bigger fish to fry. shredder whirr the monterey aquarium set up a wobcam, so i have been investing look at that. It must be nice to go out on the town with your friends. My big project for today was i was going to take photos of my old guitar pedals and put them up on craigslist. But then i realized this is the perfect chance to get back into playing music. Imagine me and you i do i think about you day and night its only right to think about the girl you love and hold her tight so happy all this isolation is making me loopy but im not alone here because i have my good friend and roommate dan. Oh, yeah, thats right. Dans not here. Yeah, he fled the city. He went up to massachusetts with all the other limousine liberals, leaving me to lose my mind in this damn apartment god, the walls are closing in you know what . You just lost your dinosaur. Yeah, thats right bleep . Now i get two. Dans betrayal is bad for the overall state of the apartment, both because hes a source of delight and good humor, but more importantly because hes the one in cha very lush, as you can see, but thats because dans the one who knows how to water them. In contrast, heres the plant i have been taking care of. Not as lush. Guys, the plant store says to water it every three weeks, but life gets in the way. This ones looking pretty good. Come on, buddy. You got this. You kind of take human contact for granted and, when it goes away, you realize youre a different person or maybe the same person you just dont have anything to distract you from it. Maybe its not the best thing to think about right now. Hello . Does anyone know anything about horticulture . We do have one thing going for us, though its very easy to keep in touch with friends and loved ones. Hey, look, technology is finally bringing us together, just like in the cell phone commercials. Like i said, these are weird times. Well get through it. Until then, try to stay safe. Its okay if you slip a little. Were all in the same boat right now. The only one for me is you and you for me so happy together stephen well be right back. My name is joe. Im a sustainability science researcher at amazon. Climate change is the fight of our generation. Ggesobstacle im a sustainability science researcrit nowamazon. Is that were running out of time. Amazon now has a goal to be net zero carbon by 2040. We dont really know exactly how we are going to get there. Its going to be pretty hard. But one way or another were going to reduce our Carbon Footprint to net zero. I want my son to know that i tried my hardest to make things better for his generation. Theyve really stood the test of time. Much like these majestic rocky mountains. Which must be named after the. That would be rocky the flying squirrel, mr. Gecko sir. Obviously ahh come on bullwinkle, theyre named after. Our first president george rockington that doesnt even make any sense. Mr. Uhh. Winkle. Geico. Over 75 years of savings and service. So youre a small businor a big one. Le. You were thriving, but then. Oh. Ah. Okay. Plan, pivot. , with serious and reliable internet. Powered by the largest gig Speed Network in america. But is it secure . Sure its secure. And even if the power goes down, your connection doesnt. So how do i do this . You dont do this. We do this, together. Bounce forward, with comcast business. Find the right plan for you from unitedhealthcare. Get medicare with more. mom vo the right plan we got a subaru to give him some ato reconnect and be together. And once we did that, we realized his greatest adventure is just beginning. vo welcome to the most adventurous outback ever. The allnew subaru outback. Go where love takes you. Contactless delivery trright to your car,et. Designed for your day. Your moves. Your style. Your taste. So quick and easy. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Upbeat music shes doing it again. No coverup spray here. Its the irresistibly fresh scent of febreze air effects. [harsh aerosol spray] cheaper aerosols can cover up odors, buryiodors in a flowery fog. Switch to febreze air effects febreze eliminates even the toughest odors from the air. And it uses a 100 natural propellant to leave behind a pleasant scent youll love. Use anywhere odors can spread. Freshen up, dont cover up. Febreze air effects. Guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Our friend Willie Nelson put on a livestream event called come and toke it today, in honor of his favorite holiday, 4 20. Together with his sons, he recorded a performance of hello walls. From their home in luck, texas, ladies and gentlemen, willie, lukas and micah nelson. Hey, stephen, this is willie and lukas and micah, and were glad to be with you tonight. Were going to do a song called hello, walls. I wrote it a long time ago and a guy who hat the first hit on it was a guy named ferren young. A great friend of mine and we had a lot of fun together. But he made a little bit of fun out of the song. He would go around singing, hello, walls, hello, commode, you know, one thing or another. So, he thought it was really funny, so were dedicate this song to ferren young. Hello, walls hello, hello howd things go for you today . Dont you miss her since we had to live this way . And ill bet you dread to spend another lonely night with me but lonely walls ill keep you company hello, window hello, hello well, i see that youre still here arent you lonely since our darling disappeared . Well, look here is that a teardrop in the corner of your pane . Now dont you try to tell me that its rain she went away and left us all alone the way she planned i guess well have to learn to get along without her if we can hello, ceiling hello, hello im going to stare at you a while you know i cant sleep so wont you bear with me a while . We gotta all stick together or else well lose our minds i gotta feeling were gonna be here a long, long time stephen willies new album, first rose of spring, will be out in july. Thank you, gentlemen well be right back. Stephen stick around for james corden. But first, lets say good night with music from mr. Jon batiste. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org ptns b the late late show, oh, oh the late late show the late late show, oh, oh the late late show oh, oh its the late late show