Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240711

I win taffyland comes with a 231yearold rule book that is the foundation of the game, which you can interpret any way you want. Its my turn. Where are the dice . You cant feed the dice to the dog. Who says . Ill see you in court taffyland stop the game edition because playing by the rules is a lesson you never have to learn announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, keep calm and count on. Plus, stephen welcomes Larry Wilmore and musical guest Laura Benanti. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Im here with my friends mark and chris. Scotts over there. Evies right over there. Were taping this just a little while after donald trump walked into the White House Briefing room, actually, and tried to poison american democracy. Thats why im not sitting down yet. I just dont feel like it yet. Thats also why im dressed for a funeral. Because donald trump tried really hard to kill something tonight. Around was it 7 00 . Around 7 00, the president came out into the White House Briefing room and lied for 15 minutes. Just nonsensical stuff about illegal vote dumps and. Corrupt Election Officials and secret democratic counting cabals and, i dont know, longform birth certificates, probably. Its all the same. And if you did not know that joe biden was getting close to 270, donald trump just provided all the proof you will ever need. True story im wearing black tonight, because i was getting dressed this afternoon and i thought, he might try some shenanigans and it might be fitting to tell jokes while wearing something somber, if he goes down that dark path. And, im no prophet. Its just that, hes so predictable for weeks, weve been talking about how thered be a red mirage, and how all those outstanding biden mailin ballots might let joe catch up. And that trump would then probably come out round, i dont know, thursday, maybe evening news time, and pretend that he won and accuse everybody of cheating. The guy doesnt have another gear. Get a new act i mean, he said this stuff back in 2016 i will totally accept the results of this great and historic president ial election. If i win. Stephen so, we all knew he would do this. What i didnt know is that it would hurt so much. I didnt expect this to break my heart. For him to cast a dark shadow on our most sacred right. From the Briefing Room in the white house our house, not his that is devastating. This is heartbreaking for the same reason that i didnt want him to get covid, certainly why i wanted him to survive because he is the president of the united states. That office means something, and that office should have some shred of decency. Now, we always knew he would leave a stain there and not just from his butt bronzer because everything he did everything is now in some way president ial behavior. Including this. Unless unless every Single Person rejects what he just did. And that means, for all the predictable behavior of the last few days, and the last four years, right now something unpredictable needs to happen republicans have to speak up all of them. Because, for evil to succeed, all that is necessary is for good men to do nothing. So Say Something right now, republicans. Not later, not after youve stuck your finger up in the wind or wherever you want to put it. Right now. Its in your best interest. You only survived this up till now because a lot of voters didnt want to believe everything that was obvious to so many of us that donald trump is a fascist. And when it comes to democracy versus fascism, im sorry, there are not fine people on both sides. So you need to choose donald trump or the American People . This is the time to get off the trump train. Because he just told you where the train is going, and its not a passenger train, but hell load you on it someday, too. Now, in the absence of good men, what about Mitch Mcconell . Has he said anything . What does he say . He declined to comment. Stephen he declined to comment . laughs okay, Mitch Mcconnell has declined to comment. The maxim of the law is qui tacet consentire. Who is silent, gives consent. So, mitch, we heard you loud and clear. Youre okay with this. Its not even a hard call. This is in your selfinterest to support votes being counted. Thats how you got your jobs. But i guess Mitch Mcconnell is saying he was reelected through fraudulent votes as well . And hes holding onto the senate because of fraudulent elections in other states, and republicans picked up seats in the house because of fraudulent elections . So, cast them all out . Is that what your silence is saying, Mitch Mcconnell . Because americans are going to count something else, starting right now. They are going to count who is willing to speak up against doald trump trying to kill democracy, and they will count who will stay silent in the face of this desperate attack on the Bedrock Institution of this truly great nation. Because he just attacked the thing that makes us most great, and its time for you all to mean what your hats have been yelling. By the way, if donald trump is right and joe biden did pull the strings behind the scenes in republican states like ariona and georgia, while coordinating with democratic states like pennsylvania and nevada, and wisconsin and michigan, and throwing in the red herring of letting the republicans keep the senate and gain a few seats in the house, while just barely removing donald trump . explosion wow i mean, kudos to that level of interstate coordination i mean, anyone who could accomplish that many things at once, right now, really would be the president we need during a global pandemic. This is when i really wish i could swear. But ill say this were not going to show you a second of what that sad, frightened fraud said tonight. Because it is poison, and i like you. He can suck silence. He can also suck my frosted yumnut. That reference is going to make sense later. Stay with me. And instead, i want to show you someone doing the right thing. This happened yesterday in nevada. As i mentioned, we are not prepared to give that number the Biden Crime Familys stealing the election the medias covering up the Biden Crime Familys stealing this election the medias covering up the Biden Crime Familys stealing the election the medias covering up we want our freedom from the world give us our freedom, Joe Biden Joe bidens covering up this election. Hes stealing it where were we . What was the last question . laughter stephen that guy out in front of the mics is joe gloria, the registrar of clark county, nevada. He let that guy spew his crazy till he was tired, and then watched him walk away, and then joe gloria took a deep breath, and did his job. Which is what we should all do. Just stay cool. Okay, now lets do the monologue. Biden crime family, Biden Crime Family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. Biden crime family. heavy breathing thats all i got. laughter stephen okay, where were we . Even before il douchie lumbered to the podium tonight, america was experiencing some highly refined, weaponsgrade anxiety because, while things were looking good for biden, as of 8 30 p. M. , the race remains on a razors edge. So, not only is this stressful, its irresponsible. America should be nowhere near sharp objects right now. They should also take away our shoelaces and our belt. Now a reminder to win the presidency, a candidate needs 270 electoral votes. As i record tonights zoetrope, biden has 253. Biden is so close to victory, he can smell its hair. One key state out there is arizona. Biden is ahead. In fact, several news organizations already called the state for him. The trump folks still insist they have a chance, which may be true, but even republican friendly estimates say that trump has a steep uphill battle to close the gap. And the only thing more challenging than a steep uphill battle for donald trump would be a steep downhill waddle. Then theres nevada, next door, where bidens ahead, but not by much. He currently leads by about 12,000 votes, with the majority of the votes left from the las vegas area. But its no surprise that trump didnt take vegas. Whenever trump is near a casino, he loses everything. Another state were waiting on is georgia, which awards 16 electoral votes. Now its a tossup. And per the Georgia State constitution, their election cannot be ultimately decided until all mailin votes are tabulated, and one of the candidates has defeated the devil in a fiddle contest. laughter but the key race is in the keystone state, pennsylvania. Bidens home state. Right now, trump leads, but as they count the mailin ballots, biden is rapidly closing the gap. If biden wins, hell receive an electiondeciding 20 electoral votes. And per the pennsylvania constitution, that is one for every car theyll flip over in philly, no matter who wins. But no surprise, trump is already claiming he won pennsylvania, among other states, tweeting, we have claimed, for electoral vote purposes, the commonwealth of pennsylvania which wont allow legal observers the state of georgia, and the state of north carolina, each one of which has a big trump lead. Additionally, we hereby claimly the state of michigan if, in fact, there was a large number of secretly dumped ballots as has been widely reported you cant make something official just by using fancy sounding words like hereby for electoral vote purposes, i forthwith, herefore, hitherto, and twobyfour, call the last chocolate donut. My lawyers are coming in to lick it. Speaking of lawyers who can lick it, yesterday, trump sent a specialops team to philadelphia second first son and man getting dumped over zoom, eric trump, and attorney to the president and man asking a rat if hes going to finish that cockroach, rudy giuliani. And eric revealed the Trump Campaigns master plan we are going to file suit in pennsylvania. Its a shame that we have to do that. Its the last thing that we wanted to do, its the last thing my father wanted to do. Stephen technically, the last thing your father wanted do is go to your birthday party. But, if this was the last thing he wanted to do, why was it the first thing he said . Were going to go in, the night of, as soon as that elections over, were going in with our lawyers. Stephen and since your lawyer is rudy, i assume by going in, you mean to prison . Then, rudy got testy. The ultimate result is, President Trump has won pennsylvania. Ive never heard of a count where youre ahead by 400,000 with 80 plus counted and they havent called it for you yet. Do you think were stupid . Do you think were fools . Stephen is that a trick question . Because. Yes . I mean, rudy, you buttdialed reporters twice you voluntarily appeared on a Television Show that i executive produce that is anchored by cartoons. Twice you were duped by sacha baron cohen, once i think it might be twice, because judging by your lower teeth, your dentist trained in kazakhstan as a veterinarian. Trump needs help anywhere he can get it, including divine intervention. And he has the support of his spiritual adviser and Real Estate Agent saying, before we go upstairs, you should know that the previous owner had a just a little murder problem. Watch where you step, paula white. To support the president , yesterday, paula led a marathon Prayer Service in orlando, and she was feeling the spirit. Strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike until you have victory. I hear a sound of shouting and singing, i hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain, i hear a sound of victory. Victory, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory. Stephen dont you hate it when your preacher starts skipping . Tell you what, try wiping her off with a clean, damp cloth, or unplug her and plug her back in. White also summoned some very special poll watchers. Angels are being released right now, angels are being dispatched right now. Angels have even been dispatched from africa right now, africa right now, africa right now, from africa right now. Theyre coming here. Theyre coming here. In the name of jesus, from south america theyre coming here. Stephen hold on trumps asking for election interference from foreign angels . Thats clearly committing collusion in broad daylight rudy, help me out do you think were stupid . Do you think were fools . Stephen and what is the deal with the guy who keeps passing through the shot behind her . laughter is that her roommate, Walking Around with a rolledup new yorker . Yeah, hey, dont mind me. You just keep going with your work thing. But id stay out of the bathroom for a while. Lets just say, more than angels just dropped in. laughter at one point, she started speaking in tongues. speaking in tongues stephen all right. Maybe its me, maybe im a connoisseur of the mystical, but those arent very impressive tongues. It sounds like shes on level two of duolingo holy spirit edition. Of course, like king david, whites message to the lord can only be fully appreciated in song. singing in tongues i hear a sound of victory. Strike. I hear a sound of victory. singing in tongues and strike, strike, strike, and strike, and strike. And strike, and strike. The Biden Crime Family is stealing this election speaking in tongues the medias covering it up covering it up speaking in tongues the Biden Crime Family is stealing this election and strike, and strike. We want our freedom from the world until you have victory. Where were we . laughter stephen okay, so thats the monologue, that we had planned on. And when we come back, you might notice that my emotional tone might have simmered down a bit, because we recorded what comes next before this. But im going to tell you right now, its a fantastic show youre going to want to stick around. Tonight, Larry Wilmore is here. And when we come back, its an amazing meanwhile its got the whole yumnut thing in it. Youre going to want to know what i meant. Stick around. [sfx spilling sounds] we undeniable finally, a mopping cloth that kills 99. 9 percent of germs. From clorox. Family time turns flan brings abuela closer. And a good deal means a great deal. Is now even more powerful. 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Ready to take your immune support to the next level . The number one herbal supplement brand has everything you need to help keep your immune system strong. Immune support comes naturally with natures bounty. Stephen you know, ladies and gentlemen, i spend a lot of time framing the most informative panoramic shots, awaiting the topical golden hour to capture the most breathtaking story vistas, and assembling it all into the David Attenborough narrated news documentary that is my monologue. But once in a while, i grab an old camcorder, a sixpack of natty ice, and run around the woods halfnaked and hammered to create the blurry, foundfootage sasquatch video of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, another restaurant chain is reorganizing due to the pandemic. Friendlys has filed for bankruptcy. So for the time being, friendlys will be known as sorry i snapped at you, im going through a rough patchlys. Quarantinewhile, Disney Research just unveiled a skinless humanoid robot with creepy lifelike eyes. Jimmy, can we see it . Oh god oh, wait, im sorry, thats the new c. E. O. Of disney, bob chaypek. Can we can we look for the robot photo . Can we find that . Okay. In the meantime, disney engineers say theyre working toward the development of a system for lifelike gaze, because people who make more eye contact with us are perceived to be similar to us, as well as more intelligent, conscientious, sincere, and trustworthy. All right, do we have it . Okay, great. Lets have a look at this robot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, uhhuh. Im definitely im definitely getting similar to me and trustworthy vibes. laughter and im sure if we were on a mars mission together, i would trust this thing to not bite out my throat and shove my corpse out the airlock. I dont know where commander colbert is. Why would you ask me . Im just a sincere, trustworthy robot who is similar to you. Come, let us look for him. In the airlock. laughter quarantinewhile, british high end store marks and spenser has created this specialty pastry for the holidays. Which is great. Whats not so great . They announced it by tweeting who wants a bite of santas yumnut . laughter that exact phrase has gotten many people fired at their Office Christmas party. Also evie laughing would you care for a bite of santas yumnut, darling . What . Shes my wife its still in the workplace. Stephen its still in the workplace. Okay, its still in the workplace. My apologies. Im so sorry. Ill see you at the forced reeducation camp. I also like that they were so concerned about someone stealing the name yumnut that they trademarked it. high class brit quick, nigel secure yumnut from theft also, lock down gobby hole, jammy nips, and bum crumpet. theres a good lad. Legally, everyone in england is named nigel in comedy bits. Nigel yes, nigel . Quarantinewhile, visiting santa is going to look a little different this year because malls and stores are planning strict new covid19 holiday rules, like no sitting on santas lap and a clear shield barrier between santa and families. Kind of hard to explain that to your kids. as parent im sorry you couldnt hug santa today, billy. Its just not safe. Now go to sleep and wait for him to break into the house. And if youre very good, you can have a bite of his yumnut. laughter when we come back, ill answer some questions about the election. Stick around. Its black friday now. Only at target. This week. Save on keurig. Select dyson. Home items and more. This week only. With new deals every week. Its black friday, now. At target. Did you get a streuseltopped blueberry muffin because its a special day . Or is it a special day because you got a streuseltopped blueberry muffin . Meet the new bakery sweets at mcdonalds ba da ba ba ba less oral steroids. Taking my treatment at home. 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And it has people everywhere asking questions like, can biden win without pennsylvania . When will we get pennsylvanias final results . And, what do you see when you stare real hard at this graph of pennsylvanias vote count . Jimmy were not on showtime anymore thank you. And adults arent the only ones with questions. So many kids are home right now and theyve been asking their parents a lot of difficult questions about this election. So i thought id help out by answering some real questions from real kids, sent in by real parents who could use a real break. So its time for a special, election edition of. Stephen takes your kids stephen i thought we were brainstorming new titles. Were we hello, children. My name is stephen, and im an expert on democracy. Thats why im in charge and no one else gets a say. Today i thought id give you a chance to ask me any question youd like. Lets get started. Whos first . Why does there have to be a president . Stephen great question, willa. The main reason there has to be a president is so that the Vice President has a boss. I mean, without a supervisor, the Vice President might just stop showing up to work, and then no one would be around to do all that important Vice President ing. Who else has a question . Can cheese vote . Stephen yes, cheese can vote, so long as it is american cheese and aged at least 18 years. And, of course, cheese tends to vote in blocs. Gouda question. Next . Who is the bestlooking president . Stephen well, in the past, historians have called Franklin Pierce our bestlooking president , but they were just picturing harry styles. Can i vote for elmo instead . Stephen okay, brynn, i hear you, i know youre fed up with the twoparty system. I get it, i really do, and ill absolutely grant you that elmos focus on letters and numbers has been invaluable. But i just want to make sure youve thought this through, because otherwise its just a protest vote, like voting for jill stein or donain trump or any other puppet. And. I think we have time for one more. If i was elected to be the president , would i be able to paint the white house pink and purple . Stephen well, eva jean, judging by your pink and purple unicorn shirt, the pink bow in your hair and the purple sparkly pillow behind you, i dont think the American People could stop you even if they wanted to. And while youre at it, please paint the Washington Monument and give the Lincoln Memorial a glowup. Well, thats it. Thank you to all the kids for your questions. Remember, youre not allowed to vote until youre 18, which in certain parts of the county means you should probably get in line now. Until next time, this has been stephen takes your kids again, i just want a few options on that title before we do this again. Stephen thanks, stephen, well be right back with Larry Wilmore. 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Its givingyourdog yourfitnesstracker easy. Oh, good boy. Yes, you got it woo already got my 40,000 steps today. Can i get a what what no pain, no gain haha. Its geico easy. With fast and convenient claims service. Look how fast im running good boy, chester. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is an Emmy Awardwinning writer, producer and creator of such shows as insecure and grownish. He now hosts a new talk show on peacock called wilmore. Please welcome back to a late show, Larry Wilmore hello, larry, how are you . Hey, stephen, so good to see you. I like the way you said peacock Stephen Peacock it was great. Stephen thats the nbc thing, right . Thats the nbc streaming thing . Thats the new streaming thing that is free. It costs no money. Stephen it costs no money . Thats a tough business model. Lets just say the entry level is free. Lets say that. Stephen hold on one second is cbs doing one of those . What do we have . Its not called all access anymore. Its called, like, paracock or something, isnt it . Paramount plus, okay. Just had to put that in there legally. Larry i think its called cbs questionable access. laughter stephen you predicted i just want to lay something at your feet right here. You predicted in 2016 that trump would win. You were one to have the few people that said, nope, this doesnt smell right, hes going to do it. Last month you said theres no which trump is going to beat biden. How are you feeling about that prediction now, Larry Wilmore . I feel good about it. I dont feel he cant beat biden. The only way i feel is he can cheat biden is the other part of that, and it feels like what hes trying to do in pennsylvania was an example of that. Trying to stop people from actually counting the votes while theyre in progress, stephen, ive never seen anything like that. Its, its unbelievable. Stephen well, the argument could be made we have a right to vote, doesnt say the right to count, larry. Unless you are the count, and he would insist everyone would count. Stephen he usually gets to seven and starts laughing and he cant count anymore. He wears himself out because he laughs at his own jokes. Thats the problem. Stephen now, the Trump Campaign, i was talking with my friend charlemagne tha god the other day on the election show and he said the Trump Campaign reached out to black men and there was some success there. Marginal, but there was some there. Were you surprised and do you agree that there was some success there . Well, i would say that trump had success with black men voters in the same way that jumping gets you closer to the sun, you know. laughter i mean, i guess. I mean stephen technically technically. Stephen but youre not in n. A. S. A. Yeah, i mean, you know, once they actually measure it, you know, you come up with real numbers that give you a little more context and clarity. Stephen what gives you hope right now, larry . What makes you feel good . This is going to sound corny, stephen, but i really do believe in the American People as a whole, you know . I feel like we have been resilient through so many things. Weve had horrible things happen and then our resiliency takes over. In the 60s, as bad as it was, we had the Voting Rights act, we had the civil rights act. We went to the moon. I think we had horrible things to deal with but as a group we find a way. And stephen, im so inspired by our young people today. Theyre involved in ways i never thought of when i was 19, 20 and that age, the way they care about the future gives me a lot of hope. Stephen my children are far more socially and politically conscious than i ever was, and i was a perfect child. Yes, stephen, we could have gone to jail for what we just innocently did back then for what you really cant even do these days. Stephen right, because there would be a record of it because somebody would have recorded me jumping over that thing while i was doing the other thing and holding that other thing in my hand. And you cant prove anything i just said because no one recorded it. This theres no evidence of the thing. Stephen new show thats called a segue. New show on peacock called wilmore, not your first foray into late night, lawrence. Hows that different than the other late night stuff youve done. Its currently on the air. Stephen okay, im going to write that down. That does help. It can be watched. Right, it can currently be watched. I think i was purged from comedy central. I cant even find the episodes. But seriously, the show came about in the wake of the george floyd moment, i was talking to the people at peacock, im working at universal, and they said it would be great for you to get on the air and respond to this, have that conversation with america that it says it wants to have and kind of build the show around that. So thats the space that were in. Keep in mind, were doing it as a special really. Were only doing 11 episodes and were using the elections a way to have that conversation and then after were done i think we have three or four more episodes. We want to see if we want to do it as a series going forward. Stephen and then obviously the christmas episode. Yes, of course. Stephen from hawaii. Well, you say that, but yours are legendary. laughter stephen thats fun. Hey, ive got a question about the uncomfortable conversation thing. Yes. Stephen is that this spring and this summer i had a lot of black guests on the show and we had Uncomfortable Conversations and theres sort of the proverbial suggestion from black america to White America is like, you need to have that uncomfortable conversation, you need to want that uncomfortable conversation, and its incumbent upon us to be ready for that uncomfortable conversation. I have a question about the term uncomfortable conversation. I understand in ways thats uncomfortable for white people. Is that a twoway uncomfortability . Are black people uncomfortable in their own way or are they uncomfortable at how uncomfortable we are during that conversation . Thats it, we only want you to be uncomfortable. It gives us so much joy. laughter Stephen Mission accomplished, larry stephen, we dont care about juneteenth, we want you to feel uncomfortable trying to figure out why we think its important. Stephen why is there a picnic happening toay over there . Yes, weve got to do better. Theres julyteenth, too, you guys. Weve got to honor that. Where did that come from . Stephen octoberenth. Exactly. Stephen talking about race, i already asked that one, thats the black people uncomfortable, and sorry about that, i apologize. This part will be edited out, larry. Exactly, or leave it in. Honesty. This is the uncomfortable part. Ill use it on my show, ill put it on peacock. Stephen fantastic. Not many people know this, i happen to know this, but you have a lifelong hobby which is magic. I do. Stephen which is who is that over your shoulder . That is herman. He was one of my favorite magicians growing up. Thats an interesting picture where he has a young black assistant, and i just always loved that poster, you know, so there you go. Stephen how did you first get into magic . You know, i saw a magician, it was called the indian white guy. It was like a cubscout thing. It was pretty cool, you learned about native american culture. Stephen indian scouts with the y. Yeah, i did that. Exactly. You go with your dad or your mom. There was a magician there and made a rope with a knot and cut it off. My little sevenyearold brain couldnt accept that. I cut up so many ropes or whatever was around until i figured out at least how i could do it, and my parents gave me a magic set for christmas and i was hooked ever since. Stephen are you still oh, yeah. Stephen even during zoom time . I always have cards on me, always practicing. You want to see something now . Stephen yes, i would. Okay, all right. Its kind of awkward, so as i go just say stop somewhere. Stephen stop. Right here . Stephen sure. Take a look. Can you see that . Stephen i see the card, yes. Keep in mind, you could have chosen any of these cards, you could have said stop anywhere. Most of the time when magicians do tricks, slight of hand, shuffle the cards, all that kind of stuff. Im not going to do that. In fact, what im going to do, stephen, im going to wrap this deck in a rubber band and not allow my hands to do any slight of hand at all. And well find your card in the amount of time it takes to say mmm, how about president elect biden . Stephen okay. That makes me nervous to hear, but go ahead. Thats the whole plan to have the trick, to make you nervous. Stephen is this part of the uncomfortable conversation . laughter this is it. Stephen this is the one im supposed to have with black people . Its not the subject that i thought. You were so afraid of it. Stephen this is actually kind of fun, okay. You should have had this months ago. I was trying to tell you when you werent returning my calls. Remember . You were nervous, you thought i was calling you to have the talk. Stephen okay. What happens now . On the count of three ill say president elect biden. Ill say it. Remember what your card was . Stephen yes. One, two, three president elect biden stephen whoa is that the card . Stephen that is. That is actually impressive. Thats impressive to me even if you knew what my card was just that you could do that is impressive to me. Thats what im talking about. Stephen wow. Thats the conversation we had to have, stephen, right there. Stephen well, im sorry i put it off for so long, larry, and for all the other things that white people are sorry for. Folks, you can catch a new episode of wilmore this saturday on peacock. Larry wilmore, everybody. Well be back with a performance by Laura Benanti. Behold the new icingglazed apple fritter. Finally, theres a way to turn your coffee into a dipping sauce. Meet the new bakery sweets at mcdonalds ba da ba ba ba you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase every day. Objection my credit card doesnt earn double miles on every purchase. I object to your objection with the capital one venture card, you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase. And may it please the court, earn 100,000 bonus miles when you spend 20,000 dollars in your first year. Ill allow it. No further questions, your honor. Well, just one. Whats in your wallet . ® family time turns flan brings abuela closer. And a good deal means a great deal. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Laso you can enjoy it even ifst, youre sensitive. Se. Ger yet some say it isnt real milk. I guess those cows must actually be big dogs. Sit i said sit so, what sho d we do today . Wow. Can we get some sun . Uh, mom . Can we go to the beach . beep beep beep should we just go see a movie . Yes im always up for a good movie. Go rogue in the allnew, fiercely reimagined nissan rogue. How can i, when you wont take it from me you can go your own way xfinity mobiles fast nationwide 5g network meets the first iphone with 5g. Get the new iphone 12 on xfinity mobile. And right now get 250 off. Learn more at an xfinity store today. [captain] and here, weighing in at 12 ounces to help us pace ourselves, water [all] water [captain] so good to see you water. Hows ice doing . [water] ice is good man. Hes solid. [laughter] [lime] i get it. [laughter] its bthis week. Now. Save on keurigt. Select dyson. Home items and more. This week only. With new deals every week. Its black friday, now. At target. So this aveeno® moisturizer goes beyond just soothing sensitive skin . Exactly jen calm restore oat gel is formulated with prebiotic oat. And strengthens skins moisture barrier. Uh i love it aveeno® healthy. Its our nature. ™ everything changes. And if you have to travel for care, like sam did . Home can change, too. But, along with your donations, mcdonalds has helped Ronald Mcdonald House Charities keep families like sams together for more than 40 years. So that not everything changes for sam with cancer. Or for his brother liam, without. Stephen welcome back. Performing dont worry bout me with Pasquale Grasso from her selftitled debut album, the one, the only, the magnificent Laura Benanti dont worry bout me ill get along forget about me be happy, my love lets say that our little show is over and so the story ends why not call it a day the sensible way and still be friends . Look out for yourself should be the rule give your heart and your love to whomever you love darlin dont be a fool tell me, why should we cling to some fading thing that used to be . If you cant forget dont worry bout me look out for yourself should be the rule give your heart and your love to whomever you love darlin dont be a fool tell me, why should we cling to some fading thing that used to be . If you cant forget dont worry bout me stephen thank you, laura. Laura benanti, everybody. Well be right back. Stephen james corden is next. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org i just left walter reed medical center, and its really something very special. The doctors, the nurses, the first responders. And i learned so much about coronavirus. And i know theres a risk, theres a danger, but thats