Priorities right now. This valentines day, more people are choosing to be single. Thats why were proud to introduce ill always have me, a romantic song compilationon celebrbrating being alonone on valentines d day, performed by the not having sextet. [singing to the tune of the power of love] these songs are the perfect way to let your special someone know that the special someone is some. You. [singing to the tune of thats amore] so what are you waiting for . Pick up ill always have me, because its the only thing you want to pick up tonight. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight. Love from new york. First, stephen welcomes Patrick Stewart. And ke huy quan. With a special appearance by boyz ii men. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert. Stephen hey you look absolutely beautiful. Beautiful. Hello. Lovely to see you. Happy tuesday. Happy tuesday. Happy tuesday. Happy, happy. Good to see you. Hey, everybody there you go. Please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome one at all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheers and applause] i want to start off with everybody over there, happy valentines day. Or as flowers call it, the purge. For those of you who got sweets from your sweetheart, good news. The latest Research Says that consuming cocoa does provide health benefits, thanks to something called flavanols, but most chocolate bars dont contain enough of it. Thats true. Some of the most popular chocolate bars dont have enough. The main ingredients in a snickers bar are peanuts, caramel, and vein and its a little upsetting. Its a little disturbing. A little disturbing. Some unlikely candidates are trying to join chocolate as potential valentines gifts. The Agricultural Group legumes from europe is encouraging romantics everywhere to surprise your special someone and amaze them with a recipe using canned legumes. Of course, its natural. Like my favorite valentine poem, lentils are red, chickpeas are beige, i bought you beans, and you asked for a divorce. [cheering] i like legumes from europe, thats a hell of a name. They were a part of the techno wave from the early 80s. Flocks of seagulls in legumes from europe. Valentines day spending for gifts is up this year. According to the National Retail federation, the average person will spend 192. 80. And if youre an average person who wants an average valentines day by spending the average amount of money, we did a little research, and this is true, heres something you can buy for your special someone for exactly 192. 80. Its from the good people at pullsdirect. Com. The emtek durango sandcast bronze passage door leverset with the cf mechanism okay. Remember, everybody. Money cant buy you love, but it can buy you knob. I better get some free door handles is all i know. Theres big news about former u. N ambassador and woman enjoying intestinal regularity snce she started eating delicious activia, nikki haley. Because this morning, haley announced that she is running for president [boolean] as she said in her Campaign Announcement tweet get excited. A grateful pass. Of course, any campaign veteran will tell you theres no better time to drop the biggest political news of your life than on valentines day, at 6 48 a. M. , yeah, a day when everyones thinking about Something Else at a time when no one is awake. The only way this could make a smaller splash is if haley whispered it into a bowl of soup. Psst, hey. Hey, mushroom barley. You wanna hear a secret . Im never gonna be president. Shh, dont tell anybody. Haleys First Campaign video starts like this. The Railroad Tracks dividedd the town b by race. I was thee proud d daughter ofof indidian immigrarants, not black,k, not whitete. I was different. Stephen i was different for many reasons. For instance, in my family, we kept the family photographs on the sidewalk. It made them very hard to dust. She went on to toss out some classic culture war red meat. Some look at our p past as evidencece thahat americaas fg prprinciples a are bad. Sosome think o our ideas a are t just wrorong, but racisist. Stephen yeah, she knows americas not racist she learned that as a little girl, in her hometown, that was split by a Railroad Track right down the middle, to keep the white people on one side and the black people on the other. You know not racist she finished her video with a warning to her opponents. You s should knowow this about meme. I dont t put up with bullies. Stephen thats right. She doesnt put up with bullies like the expresident. She just, and this is true, calls bullies to get their opinion on whether she can run for president. Because nothing says strength like picking your bullys brain before doing anything. Hello, trevor . Im just getting dressed for school. What would be easier for you to yank up my buttcrck, boxers or briefs . Ill do either. Or i could i could go commando. But the former president isnt the only one haley called for advice. You see, nikki and i are both from South Carolina she used to be the governor and we go way back. In fact, and i dont talk about this cause i know this is gonna make some news, we are best friends. And a couple weeks back, nikki called me up and said hi, person i admire most in the world, Stephen Colbert, is it okay with you if i run for president . Well, i almost spit out my paper straw. And i said, youre perfect for it. I dont know anyone more woke than you. And she said okay, but first, i have to cook my favorite meal on my electric stove impossible burgers and lesbian m ms. Best of luck to you, nikki im happy just to help. Shes gonna go all the way. Shes going all the way. Nikki haley is not the only candidate that former president bully is worried about. He is also planning for Florida Governor ron desantis, seen here zipping his chest hair into his fleece. Sure. Sure. Gah the governor in florida has high poll numbers, which spooks the former president , who apparently now privately refers to desantis as meatball ron. Ooh i do not like how much i love that its so dumb and accurate. You know what else is really great and bad about it . How easy it is to sing it to the tune of uptown girl. Lets go meatball ron hes a walking, talking beef baton and he tells you that you cant say gay and that covid will just go away thats not okay meatball ron its catchy. We got a hit, baby [cheers and applause] now, as eagleeyed reporters have managed to discern, the nickname is an apparent dig at desantis appearance. Really . Lets see for ourselves. Jim jim no not two pictures of ron desantis what . Oh, one of those was a meatball. Okay. Which one was the meatball . Still, im not sure the expresident is the one to be tossing around meat insults, considering hes a real veal parmedon. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering] apparently, the expreident is also testing out a nickname based on desantiss response to covid. Shutdown ron. No, you dummy quit while youre ahead. Youre never going to do better than the crystalized genius that is meatball ron. You didnt see orson welles try to top citizen kane with citizen kane 2 kanesane in the memkane. Even stupider more, i might have misread that just now. Well never know. Well never know. [cheering] maybe thats what it was supposed to say. Even stupider more, hes now denying that he came up with meatball ron, posting on truth social that all of the fake news is reporting that i spend large amounts of my time coming up with a good nickname for ron desanctimonious. They are all 100 wrong. Okay, that actually makes sense. The expresident would never be able to come up with something as catchy and memorable as. Meatball ron marinara is his big turnon very scared of c. R. T. Loves to roll around in spaghetti with extra cheese weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are sir Patrick Stewart and the star of Everything Everywhere all at once, ke huy quan. But when we come back, a special valentines day message with the help of boyz ii men. Stick around. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert, sponsored by one key. Bookok a flight. T. Stayay 4 nights. S. Memeet the bababy. Make thehe baby cry. Y. Give t the baby baback. Fly home. Silverer tier in a a single tr. Join one k key and d move up titiers fast. Did d you know m most dish ss donnt remove a all the gre, eveven with scscrubbing . whaaaaat . i justst cleaned t those. Try dawn platinum. It removes 99 of grease and food residue. Thats why dawn is truststed to s save wildlilife affectcted by oil. L. 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Have you t tried downwny rinse anand refresh it helpsps remove odors 3x betetter than detergrgent alone. E. It workeked guys yeyeahhhh downy rinsnse and refrfresh. Stephen hey, everybody please give it up for the band. Louis cato and the late show band. Louis. Louis. Louis stephen. Stephen i cant help. I cant help but notice, i cant help but feel right into my chest bone a certain richness to the sound tonight. Please tell the people who we are honored to have sitting in. We have the generational gift of meshell ndegeocello. [cheers and applause] stephen thank you. Thank you for being here. Folks, as i was saying earlier, its valentines day, in my opinion one of the most romantic holidays. The cards, the sexiness, the chubby naked babies shooting arrows at your sternum. Heres the thing. Im a 58 yearold man. My doctor said i should cut back on chocolatecovered strawberries, and i just cant i used to. Its sad but its true. I just cant. You know what im talking about. Right, maam . Thats the laugh of recognition. So i think its time valentines day made room for those couples among us who are still deeply in love but also deeply asleep by 9 00 p. M. Recently i asked Legendary R B Group boyz ii men to help me out by updating yeah, still got it, baby. By updating one of their classic hits, for all of us mature romantics. James . Hey, baby. Its another valentines day. You know what that means. Close that door yeah [cheers and applause] stephen thank you, boyz ii men. You can check out their tour dates and their love you forever Digital Collectibles at boyziimen. Com. Well be right back with sir Patrick Stewart, yall type 2 diabetes . Discscover the o ozempic® trizonene. Inin my ozempipic® trizzo, i i lowered mymy a1c, cv r r, and lostst some weigight. In studidies, the majorityty of peoplele reachehed an a1c u under 7 and maintatained it. 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My f frequent heartburn had me taking antntacid after anantacid all l dayg but t with prilolosec otc justst one pill l a day for one anand done heaearn reliefef, prilosecec otc. One pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. Withth new scopepe squeez moututhwash concncentrate, just a add water, squeezeze to contrtrol the strth of your r mouthwash. H. And findnd a zone. All l your own. Scopope squeez. Stephen hello welcome back. Thank you. Welcome back to the late show, everybody. My first guest this evening has playe a professor, a starship captain, and of course, the poop emoji. He now stars in the third and final season of star trek picard. Please welcome back to the late show, Patrick Stewart. [cheers and applause] there you go. Please. Wont you please. [cheers and applause] how delightful. Youve got a lot of friends out there tonight. Patrick a lot of friends. Happy, what is it . Valentines day. Yes stephen its amazing. Youre 82 years old and yet. And yet. I feel like the decrepit one between the two of us. When they knight you, does the queen anoint you with some oil that keeps you young . What is that you do to stay so vital . Patrick its very interesting you should say that because i felt that something happened in that moment. You are kneeling in front of her majesty, may she rest in peace. And the sword touches your one shoulder and the other shoulder, its a magical moment and i felt something must be communicated to me. She is her majesty the queen. And or else when we shake hands shes got a little oil. That immediately took 30 years off my age. Do you think its possible and do you think that king charles has the same skill . Stephen we dont know yet. We dont know yet. If he knighted me, we would find out. Patrick would you like me like that . Stephen sure. Im not going to say no if theyre just tossing them out but i think that they should do something for the kingdom. Im not a huge fan of the royalty. Patrick what are you saying . Stephen i think they are gangsters in nice clothes. I dont. Patrick the colbert show has done enough for the kingdom. Stephen really . Patrick absolutely. Stephen speaking of kings, i want to talk about king oberon. This is a man who needs a little anointing right here. This is you playing oberon in midsummer nights dream. Im just curious whether you can still pull off this outfit. Look at that, ladies and gentlemen. Wait. Awww, yeah. Was this your idea or the costume designers idea . Patrick we had no costume designer. Thats why im naked. Yeah. By the way, this was the Royal Shakespeare company. You see the royals come up again. They have had that charm over my life. Stephen even if you show up in something super sexy like this, it still seems classy because its the Royal Shakespeare company. Patrick because i am speaking blank verse. Stephen could you still pull that off today . Patrick yes. [cheering] stephen congratulations. Congratulations. Hugh jackman, speaking of guys who look good in a loincloth, hugh jackman was recently here. He said you gave him a little life advice. About how to start your day. Do you remember this advice you gave him . It sounded like a very peaceful way to live your life. Patrick i do. We were talking about waking up in the morning. 4 30, 4 00. Stephen to get to a set. Patrick yeah, when youre working. I said, look, ive been doing something for years and years which helps me. I dont know. Maybe it would help you. But i read in the morning. I make myself a cup of tea and i get a cookie or something i get a book. Not a script. Not a computer. Stephen a novel or something. Patrick yeah, a novel. You know, not a newspaper. Oh, please, not a newspaper. But a book. You lose yourself in that book for half an hour and that is the way to set up a day. I really recommend it. It frees your head up. Stephen ill give it a try. Ill give it a try. Patrick well, if youre going to try that, i can recommend a book you might want to start with. Stephen oh, really . I hear good things about books. Which one . Patrick actually you couldnt use it yet because it hasnt yet been published. Stephen oh, your book. Thats right, you are writing a memoir. Patrick memoir. Stephen can you tease us with some memory from your memoir, like what might show up in the book. Whats an early impression of a life in the theater for you . Patrick life in the theater. Stephen any advice you got . Patrick yes. It made me it made me into the person that i was not when i grew up. Growing up, i was a very unhappy and frustrated person because my life at home wasnt good. But the theater changed all that because i was no longer Patrick Stewart. I was king oberon. Stephen this guy has got a lot to be happy about. Exactly. But wait a second. Can you tell me about your First Experience of being in the theater . I no longer do live theater, thats how i started out. I love the feeling of being in a theater even if its empty. Patrick the difference between being on a film set and being in a live auditorium, like now, is that and most audiences dont actually know this. But their presence is a big element. Its a big part of the event. And their contribution is critical. And its never quite the same. So live theater, excuse me, gives you energy. Something to play with, which is new and novel. Whereas, you know, you get okay, cut. Cut. Moving on. [cheering] stephen not to bang a drum here, but do you have a first memory of being in the theater or an early memory of a play you saw that meant a lot to you when you are young man . Patrick well, no. There werent. It was the movies that i went to. We had no tv, no telephone, no car in our family. We were hard up, but i had the cinema and i would save my pocket money to go at least once if possible twice a week. And i loved the movies. They were my escape and of course a lot of them were in hollywood, which is now where i live. Stephen the little boy got what he wanted. Patrick the little boy got more than what he wanted actually. [applause] there have been incidents in my life that were so magical and usually it had to do with meeting someone whom as a child i had adored and worshiped. The best example for me is kirk douglas. Stephen when did you meet kirk douglas . Patrick well, i was doing a christmas carol, my oneman show and i would end the place sweating so i always took a shower and the shower in the theater we were in in london was down in the basement, as always, of course. I was in there having a shower. My assistant manager came in and said patrick, patrick, hurry up. Youve got a visitor. And i said im showering. No, no, its kirk douglas. In my dressing room. Oh, my gosh. There was kirk. His family were with hm. As i came in, he started to get out of the chair. He was elderly and he had a throat problem. It might have been cancer that he had. I said no, dont stand up. Please. He came over and he put his arms around me and he said you are my inspiration. [applause] he was. He was a beautiful, delightful man, and he lived to be 103. Stephen wow. As well you should. As well you should. We have to take a quick break but dont go anywhere because well be right back with more Patrick Stewart, everybody. Stick around. To appreciate our bodies, to care for all parts, even those hidden, like our armpits. Because perfect armpits, do exist they are stubbly, with marks or shaved, all beautiful and each unique. Dove cares for all armpits, it dries instantly and is kind on skin, protecting you all day long. Try dove advance care for effective protection that is kind on skin. Thats why i choose dove [stomamach growlining] its n nothing. Sosounds like e something. 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Stephen exactly. Thats right. You were reluctant to take this part back on, to do this show originally. We are looking at season 3. What are we going to learn about picard, and what are we going to learn about the story . Patrick heres the critical thing. They said to me to convince me that it was the right thing to do. Because youre right, i was reluctant. They said look, 25, 30 years have passed. Well, 25 years since your last. Since you last wore the starfleet uniform. So much has happened in your life. Many changes. Some of them good. Some of them not so good. Its been a really important time. You are not the same person that you were 25 years ago. Neither is jeanluc picard. Nobody had even hinted at Something Like that. And they said, how do we know what has happened to him in 25 years . We know he became an admiral and hes retired now. But what else is going on in his life . Thats what hooked me because i think one of the quality things about picard is not just myself but ive got to be careful what i say now. The other actors in the series have all had the same thing said to them. So we are exploring the impact that years of living can have on people. So were different. Stephen one of the other actors is jonathan, who is in this clip that we are about to show. Patrick really . Stephen yes. I believe you have just received a message that you are asking his help in deciphering. Patrick thats right. Yeah, i am alone. Someone is in trouble. I want to help them and he is the man i think of. This s message rereferences e coordinatetes. Anand to trustst no one with h. And the e word. Whats ouout there . Nothihing at all l as far asi can see. This w word, i havave no idea at of cocourse not. It was a compuputer virus s on e enterpririse when yoyou work incapacicitated. Incapacacitated . The e borg, of c course. They scrambled our navigational system. I knew that i called you for a reason. Stephen patrick, thank you so much for being here. Its always such a pleasure. The final season of star trek picard premieres this thursday on paramount . Its Patrick Stewart, everybody. Well be right back with the star of Everything Everywhere all at once, ke huy quan. Holy cannoli. Look at this. Its like a science project. Ordering lunch easy for you and me but can be so difficult for a young homeowner turnrning into t their paren. Arare those alall different t lettuces . . Uh, yes, sir. Brbrown rice, white rice, or quinoa . A . [[ groans ]] wwere gonnana need a mimi. Dodo you have e any food a all . Well,l, my teethh arare sensitivive to cold. Prprogressive e cant prototeu from becomoming your p pare, but we c can protectct your homome and autoto whwhen you bunundle with u. Thatatll be 1919. 45. Oh, im just p paying for my ownwn salad. Looking fofor a smarteter way toto mop . Intrododucing the e new swswiffer powewermop. 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The ladies and i expose the truth about this common tactic used by the enemy to keep you in bondage and how you can break its grip on your life. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. My next guest tonight is an actor you know from Indiana Jones and the temple of doom, the goonies, and his academyaward nominated performance in Everything Everywhere all at once. Okay, sirir. Thatss enough. Stephen please welcome to the late show, ke huy quan. Ke huy wow wow. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. [cheers and applause] stephen please have a seat. There you go. Ke huy happy valentines day stephen its lovely ke huy stephen, ive got to tell you this story. Early january of this year, we attended an event called new york film critics circle awards. Stephen yes, i gave an award to cate blanchett. Ke huy yes, i didnt know you were going to be there. I saw you and i freaked out and i was going to do what i normally do at these events which is to run up to you, tell you i love you, and ask for a selfie. But then i got pulled away for just a few seconds. I turned around and you were gone. I was so disappointed. Little did i know, a few weeks later, i am on the Stephen Colbert show. [cheering] stephen thank you. This is nice. We have more time to talk now. Ke huy this is much better and as they say, good things come to people who wait. Stephen thats exactly right and speaking of people who wait, this story of this movie and you in this movie and whats happening to you right now so extraordinary. Youve already gotten the recognition of best supporting actor, golden globe nominated for an oscar, Academy Award. You finished shooting this in march 2020, which is the last time anybody was shooting anything for a couple of years. The covid hits and then it doesnt come out until two years later. What did you do . You had to know that you are sitting on Something Special at that point. Ke huy i didnt know. I was at home, like everybody else, trying to stay safe. I was auditioning left and right. Sending tapes. What was interesting was i could not get a single job. Not one call back. Nobody wanted me. Stephen so you have just finished you dont know this but youve just finished your golden globe and Academy Award nominated role and you cant get arrested in hollywood. Ke huy i was so worried because i was experiencing everything i experienced as a kid when i was auditioning. I couldnt get a job. Thats why i stepped away. Stephen after Indiana Jones, after the goonies. Ke huy you work with Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford and george lucas, you cant go anywhere but down from there. Thats exactly what happened. Stephen have you and spielberg kept in touch over the years . Ke huy first of all, hes a sweet man. I love him so much. He sends me a Christmas Present every single year for the last 38 years. Stephen wow. And here you are together at the Golden Globes i believe. Thats fantastic. Ke huy by the way. You guys didnt see this on television. After my speech, just as i was walking off stage, i looked at him. And he gave me a standing ovation. Steven spielberg gave me a standing ovation. It was incredible. It was incredible. Stephen thats really lovely. Also i understand, here you are. 38 years ago, 38 years ago, there you are with Harrison Ford right there. There you are. But and then please tell me how this next photograph came about because ive got another one. Tell the story about the next time you saw him, if you dont mind. Ke huy i havent seen Harrison Ford in 38 years so i was scheduled to attend an event for disney. I was told that Harrison Ford was going to be there. And i was in the green room, and there were so many big stars, big filmmakers, big producers. The room was crowded. I was looking around the room trying to see if i could find him. Every single one of us were assigned with an assistant to help us maneuver the event and my assistant came running up to me and says, Harrison Ford is right outside the green room. And i got really nervous. My heart was pounding. He said do you want to go see him and i said of course i want to go see him. So i walked out, and sure enough, 15 feet away i saw him talking to phoebe who is starting with him in indy 5. As i get closer, he turns to me and he takes one look at me and all of a sudden, he has that classic Harrison Ford grumpy look like this and he raises his finger and pointed it at me. I got really scared because i thought hes thinking im a fan. Hes going to say dont you get near me. But instead he says, are you short round . Immediately i was transported to 1984 looking up to him and i said yes, indy. And he says. And he says come here. Come here. He pulls me in, gave me the biggest, warmest hug and we chatted for a little bit of that was the picture that we took. Stephen now you dont have to worry as much about sending in the self tapes from home for the audition because i understand you are now joining the marvel universe because youre going to be in season two of loki. Excited about the future . A little easier . Ke huy honestly, things are so different for me now than they were back then. I am really blessed and i feel very, very grateful. Honestly, ever since i got back into acting, this has been such an emotional journey. I have cried so much. My wife is so sick of me crying. Yeah, i am so grateful. Everybody i thought everybody had forgotten about me. But since the movie came out, theres been so much positivity and so much kindness. So thank you so much. Thank you. Stephen thank you for being here. Lovely to have you on. Everything everywhere all at once is in theaters and streaming on showtime. Ke huy quan, everybody. Well be right back. Stephen good night