Tonight, stephen welcomes kathy bates. And a performance by Nathan Mcintosh. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen please sit down be everybody. Very kind. Sit down stephen welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You cant keep a friday crowd down. Its not possible. cheers and applause its physically not possible i am with all of you on that. I am looking forward to the weekend. But you know who never rests . Special counsel and sassy sam waterston, robert mueller. Mueller is the former f. B. I. Director in charge of investigating russian interference in our 2016 election, and we learned this week that he is now probing the trumprussia dossier. Okay, what is in this dossier . Well, it includes a wealth of information on a series of its the peepee tape it talks about the peepee tape applause alleged. Its the infamous report compiled by former British Intelligence officer and a man whose porn name is his name, christopher steele. Christopher steele to perform . Oh, it was a performance . Wow, the russian ballet really is different. What new yorker would fly 2,000 miles to watch someone pee . Its free on the l train cheers and applause yes. I have some sandwiches. Okay, now, part of the reason mueller might be investigating the dossier is that the Senate IntelligenceCommittee Said yesterday that theyve been unable to secure an interview with steele and say that theyve hit a wall on the issue. Of course, housekeeping hates it when you hit the wall. In response youll catch up. Yesterday no, stop right there. Yesterday, trump tweeted, i totally did it. I love the peepee. Enjoy maga and im being told they totally made that up, because heres what he really tweeted why isnt the Senate Intel Committee looking into the Fake News Networks in our country to see why so much of our news is just made up, fake laugh and while theyre at it, how come you never see cookie monsters legs . Total conspiracy. laughter of course, its no secret that donald trump loves the ladies. Its been well documented in gossip magazines and court depositions. Well, on tuesday based on a true story. On tuesday, Brooke Shields appeared on andy cohens watch andy cohen happen live and told this story about donald trump asking her out in the 1090s. He called me right after hed gotten a divorce, and he said, i really think we should date because youre americas sweetheart and im americas richest man, and the people would love it. Stephen really . That was his pickup line . No wonder he prefers women who speak english as a second language. laughter ill tell you what. No, look, look. Ill tell you what. I got an outy. You got an innie. We should totally do it and make america watch. Of course, in the end, Brooke Shields turned trump down, because. I dont feel like i need to finish that sentence. laughter applause cheers and applause but Brooke Shields wasnt the only celebrity trump tried to ask out. Candice bergen and Emma Thompson also recounted the president s pursuits back in the 1990s. In fact, we have discovered a treasure trove of pickup lines trump used on other celebrities after his divorce in 1999. Here we go meg ryan, youre a bigtime movie lady, and i was in home alone 2. we should star in when hairplugs met sally. laughter salt, pepa, other one. laughter howd you like to add a little marmalade to the mix . Hey, alicia silverstone, i loved you in clueless. im pretty clueless myself. Jump on it. Just jump on it. Cindy crawford, howd you like to live on the top floor of a building thats overcompensating for the size of my penis . laughter . cheers jump on. Speaking of jon wow, Different Levels to it all. Speaking of granola. Is what im doing right now. The food and Drug Administration just told a massachusetts bakery that they cannot list love as an ingredient in their granola. Yes, they have to call it by its scientific name rat poop. laughter allegedly. The company defended listing love on their packaging, explaining the ingredient was a nod to the passion bakers put into their product. Ah, yes, the passions that run high in the granola factory. Who among us hasnt stolen a kiss or two behind the industrial oat thresher . But the f. D. A. Disagrees, saying a Human Emotion cannot be an ingredient in baked goods. Yes, theyre technically right. Theyre technically right. The emotions of the factory workers dont actually go inside the products. If they did, our iphones would never stop screaming. laughter ill be honest. I love them. I love them ill be honest. I dont want to know whats in granola, period. Thats the deal we have with granola. If we all keep pretending its healthy, we get to eat chocolate chips for breakfast. laughter the only ingredient that should be listed on a salted caramel, dark chocolate, honey walnut granola bar should be denial. laughter but heres the thing. cheers and applause i could go for some. I could go for some denial right about now. But heres the thing if this granola really does contain love, then the f. D. A. Has got to warn people, because nothing has done more damage to me than love not fat, not salt. Alcohols come close laughter but alcohol is usually stepping in when his old pal, love, cant be there. So, i say, let customers know exactly what emotions theyre biting into. Like totinos pizza rolls does now with 60 more selfhatred. Thats after you eat it. Nowsome i could go for some selfhatred right now. I could go for a hot tray of selfhatred. Theres some disappointing news from the art world. Paris Louvre Museum i trust im pronouncing that correctly. Is withdrawing a Large Installation for being too sexually explicit. Now, let me set this up. Its a building, and its intended to look like a couple copulating. Im skeptical frankly. How can a building really look like a ohhhhkay, i see it. There it is. Jon whoa whoa stephen it could be it could just be a guy keeping his dog from attacking the neighbor. Stay here, boy. Stay stay down, down, down down, down, down, down, down applause the museum decided to pull the installation after online criticism, and in addition, there were concerns about the 40foot statue being situated near a childrens playground. laughter i think you understand that. Imagine having to explain that to a child well, sweetie, when a woodshed loves a mini storage unit very much, sometimes they engage in a special hug, resulting in a twobedroom condominium. Meanwhile, back here stateside, people say there are no more heroes. But im happy to say, those people are wrong, because yesterday, police in wyoming arrested a drunk man who claims he traveled from the year 2049 to warn of an alien invasion. Now, i know this sounds implausible, but think about it. If you went back even five years in the past, youd sound like a crazy person. The apprentice guy is president , taco bell has a taco where the shell is a fried egg, and iphones dont have headphone jacks anymore. And he wasnt happy about being detained. He immediately demanded to speak to the president of the town. I need to speak to the president of the town, the mayor of the country, and the emperor of ice cream. And it turns out that time travel is trickier than you think, because the man claims he meant to travel to 2018. Look, buddy, were all just trying to get to 2018. laughter applause jon thats what im saying . Everybodys trying to get there. You know what im saying . Theyre trying to make one day at a time weve got a great show for you tonight. Kathy bates is here. But first, i tell you about d. N. A. Test results. And what they might reveal about whie supremacists. Enjoy applause use pantene shampoo together with 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. Their prov formula is like a multivitamin. Making your hair 2x stronger see the difference when you add 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. Directv has been rated 1 in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like banging their head on a low ceiling. Drinking spoiled milk. Camping in poison ivy. Getting a papercut. And having their arm trapped in a vending machine. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable switch to directv. Call 1800directv. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. Ahh. The new guy. Whoa, he looks he looks exactly like me. No. Separated at birth much . We should switch name tags, and no one would know who was who. Jamie, you seriously think you look like him . Uh, im pretty good with comparisons. Like how progressive helps people save money by comparing rates, even if were not the lowest. Even if were not the lowest. Whoa wow. I mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. Look at us. applause stephen hey, welcome back. Jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band right there. Jon hey stephen oh, happy friday, jon. Jon happy friday. Stephen jon, do you get to go to church as often you you would like . Jon yes, i do. Stephen you do. Not what i expected. Guto church as often as you like. Jon yes. Stephen nothing comes between you and the lord. Jon no, no, no. Stephen youre a better man than i am. Jon oh, whats your story . Stephen i sleep on sundays. But i have some great news for everybody out there. We have a new book here at the late show. Of the its called Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. All right. We do confessions here here on the show. Some fresh ones in there, some from the show, some from people out there, you sent in. And i have been informed by the church that you do this, and you dont have to go to church on sunday. Jon oh, wow, wow look at that. Stephen you have to read the book. You have to bate book. They said specifically you cant even get it from a library. Jon you have to buy it. Stephen wow, you get to church as often as you like. Jon yeah. Stephen i should be more like you, jon. Jon oh, man, you got it, you got it. Stephen thanks, jon. You know, sometimes i feel like i have comedy in my genes along with brown eyes, soft teeth, and weak joints. Im irish. We have no collagen. Its never been easier to find out exactly whats in our genes, because consumer genetic tests are now a huge business. The industry was worth 70 million in 2015 and is expected to be worth 340 million in 2022. Thats a percentage increase of. I dont have math genes. I dont know how big that is. Youve probably seen ads for these tests everywhere. Theres ancestry. Com, 23andme. Theyve got genetic testing for dogs. Theres even a company that analyzes your d. N. A. And matches you with wines selected for your unique palate. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, yes, im getting notes of almond, black current and, yes, total bleep . laughter applause another site called genepartner. Com helps with dating by determining your level of genetic compatibility with potential partners. Not to be confused with genepartner. Net, which just partners you with some guy named gene. laughter i think he founded the company. Hes lonely. Now, i know what youre thinking. Youre thinking these are great, but they dont convey my deep, abiding disappointment in my children. Dont worry, youre covered. When our children play, we are their biggest fans. When they fail, we are the first to be there for them. Order your d. N. A. Test on soccergenomics. Com. And with a saliva sample, a genetic analysis will be performed to generate a personalized report that will help improve player development. Discover your genetic blueprint. Let soccer genomics guide you. Stephen dad, billy, why dont you sit down. I got your tests back, and billy im sorry, but youre not brazilian. Nothing that can be done. Dad, you want to start drinking your wine now . But heres the thing apparently, turning your entire genetic code over to faceless corporations might have a down side. There are all sorts of privacy concerns. For example, 23andme has sold access to its database to at least 13 outside pharmaceutical firms, and the g. O. P. Has proposed legislation aimed at making it easier for companies to gather genetic data from workers. So get ready for casual fridays and eugenics wednesdays. Because of privacy concerns, a few weeks ago, the Baltimore Ravens cancelled their scheduled d. N. A. Day, which would have given away free d. N. A. Tests to fans before sundays game. Classic, normal stadium giveaway, just like that troy aikman bobblehead that tells you if you have type 2 diabetes. laughter the giveaway was postponed because, apparently, the d. N. A. Tests Privacy Policy stated that the company could keep any information obtained for as long as they wanted, and they could share it in any way. Well, i just came to the stadium to get drunk and watch football, but, sure, clone me for an organ farm. I dont care. Whoo go, ravens laughter applause cheers but there is organ farm. Organ farm. Why not . But there is one group that loves d. N. A. Testing, and thats racists apparently, white nationalists are flocking to genetic tests, but some dont like what they find, because often the tests reveal african ancestry. cheers and applause oh oh, no. Jon like thats a bad thing. Thats one of the most stephen youve got to be tough, man. You feel for these guys. You almost feel bad for them. Then you remember that theyre horrible people, and you just laugh and laugh. Here they are laughing right now. Uuuugh but i get it. I get it, guys. You pay all this money for a genetic test, and then it upends your whole world view, but thats not what you wanted at all. Luckily, theres a new company that can help. How many times has this happened to you . You know youre genetically superior, but one of those Genetic Testing Services tells you youve got traces of nonwhite ancestry. Thats why theres Supreme Genetics, the only d. N. A. Testing service that tells White Supremacists exactly what they want to hear. Want us to say youre a pureblood descendant of Thomas Jefferson or napoleon, or wario, the evil mario. Sure, whatever you want. I want to know im descended exclusively from white men. No women then Supreme Genetics is the d. N. A. Testing service for you. Just swab your teeth with a qtip, put it in an envelope and throw it away. We certainly dont need it. Six weeks later we send you a report saying youre robert e. Lees cousin or something. My report is one Straight Line back to white jesus. It told me im 100 norwegian. I keep my report in the glove box, in case i get pulled out. Supreme genetics because its like, what are genes anyway, you know . cheers and applause stephen well be right back cheers and applause stephen well be right back with kathy bates. Bi were already the fastest 4g lte network, and we just keep getting faster. And now americas best unlimited gets even more powerful when you pair it with the new iphone everyone is excited about. Introducing the amazing iphone 8. Its the best iphone yet, now on americas best unlimited network. For a limited time, save up to three hundred dollars on iphone 8. And now, join tmobiles Iphone Upgrade Program for free. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. 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Remember that accident i got in with the pole, and i had to make a claim and all that . Is that whole thing still dragging on . No, i took some pics with the app and. Filed a claim, but. You know how they send you money to cover repairs and. They took forever to pay you, right . No, i got paid right away, but. At the very end of it all, my agent. Wouldnt even call you back, right . No, she called to see if i was happy. But if i wasnt happy with my claim experience for any reason, theyd give me my money back, no questions asked. Can you believe that . No. The claim satisfaction guarantee, only from allstate. Switching to allstate is worth it. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen, my first awardwinning actress who terrified us in misery, inspired us in titanic, and now sells us weed in the netflix show disjointed. Please welcome the great kathy bates. applause come on up here cheers and applause stephen please. Thank you. Hey, darlin. Stephen hi, how are you, darlin. Good. Stephen thats funny you said darlin because i found out you were from memphis. I didnt i know you were a southern girl. Yes. Stephen in primary colors i dont hear the southern accent. Y try not to. Stephen when did you lose it . Probably when i got to new york and got tired of cab drivers making fun of me and asking me about elvis presley. Stephen memphis, honest to god elvis presley. Definitely, definitely. Stephen how did you lose it . Did you train to get rid of it or you just said, im not going to have one. I just said, im not going to have one anymore. laughter . Stephen wow,. I just didnt yeah, no more. Stephen stephen wow. Its coming back now, isnt it, that were talking. Stephen a little bit. I grew up in South Carolina and i decided not have one as well. Really, what made you decide . Stephen because on tv as a child, anybody southern was depicted as dumb. And i didnt upon want to seem dumb. I was like im going to talk like john chancellor. Im going to talk like a news guy or somebody like that. And youve done really well at that. Stephen and pretending to be smart. Yeah, thats one of my goes to. Now youre doing a show disjointed on netflix with chuck lorre and dave javerbaum. Dave javerbaum created this insane show. Were on netflix now. Were going to drop the next 10 in january. Stephen i think its the only place you can do it is on netflix because you guys are smoking a lot of weed. Smoking weed, saying the f word, and a bleep free for all. Stephen this is not netflix. You cant say that here. You cant say that here. No, i said f. Did i say the whole thing. Stephen you cant even say f here. I think i saw tom hanks get bleepped. Stephen on the show . Yes. Stephen tom, philly mouth. It takes place nay pot dispensary. Yeah, i play ruth whitefeather, shes been an activist ever since she was in her teens. Stephen yes. And now its legal, or to paraphrase Michelle Obama when they go low, we get high laughter there you go stephen there it is. cheers and applause and ive got stephen so are you are you a method actor . Did you do a ridealong . How did you study to be someone who smokes weed all the time, kathy whitefeather bates . I had a quick taste when i sat next to bill mahr at a party. It was penny marshalls birthday. Stephen you can sit in the same room with him and get high. He pulled it out of his jacket and i was like this he said, let me get it lit first. And i have to tell you, never share a joint with a stranger even if theyre famous, especially bill mahr. Stephen what happened . Oh, i dont even remember what happened. It was just insane. People at the table stephen you didnt say anything you had to apologize for later, did you . Well, i dont know. I had to get talked down by one of the other people at the table. Stephen what. She had to hold my hand and say, its okay. Its okay. It will be all right. Really, hone. It will be fine. Just breathe. It was horrible laughter stephen that sounds terrible. Did you bring enough for everyone . laughter but now, i have been doing research. The wonderful thing about doing disjointed is we have a cannabis consultant. Stephen like if you do a cop show, there will be an excop on show teaching you how things go. You can do a ridealong. Stephen what does the cannabis consultant consult youre smoking that wrong . Yes. Stephen really . Yes, Dougie Baldwin by the way he he is from down under and says, i love Stephen Colbert. You have to tell him. Stephen your pot consultant likes this show . No, no, no, the guy who plays our grower on the show. Stephen oh, okay, my s . It made me think about it. I am not stoned right now. I promise, i promise. Everything is good. So dr. Deena has been with us from the very beginning. Dont laugh. Stephen dr. Deena 420 . Thats how she is in my book. Stephen okay. Shes really like ruth. Shes had this great dispensary for 15 years and been with david working on the show from the very beginning to get it right. At the end of the first den, we have the d. E. A. Come in and raid, and she had it on her phone when she got rated with, like, 12 of these. Guys, you know, all the black swat thing coming in, this tiny little dispensary with it was, you know, scary. It was very scary. Stephen but i thought it was legal . I thought it was legal. Its federally not legal. Stephen oh, okay. You know . Thats why youve got mr. You know sessions saying that hes going to go out laughter cheers and applause stephen is that what you just did . Did you do this . Do this . cheers and applause can we move on before the feds come in here and raid this show . laughter . Well i know. Its so much fun, though its a real romp. You know we need that now, even for just a half an hour to hour to just you know this is what i do. Ill tell you what i do. Stephen tell me what you do. At the very end of the week after we had the show you get the new script, i take off my makeup, climb in bed, get stoned and read the new script. And theyre hysterical theyre hysterical stephen would you recommend that for the viewers. Did i what . Stephen would you recommend that for the people viewing the show . For some, some, we have a huge demographic. So maybe Young Children shouldnt be doing that. Stephen probably not. Probably not. Stephen it stunts growth. It stunts growth. But its fun to do the research. It really is. And pot is so much better now applause cheers stephen i wouldnt know, kathy. Ill take your word for it i wouldnt know. Wait a minute. Now they have these vape pens,un. Stephen ive seen those. And you can control, you know, your intake. Its like function, not function. You can put the little stephen it looks like youre playing a tiny little flute or Something Like that. Exactly. Or you can have it in your pocket in a restaurant and go. inhails . Stephen and youre so high oh, no now theyll know what im doing now stephen exactly. And youre so high that you think no one notices. laughter i am being super cool. And meanwhile everybody is going, kathy bates is vaping weed at the next table ask her for a hit. I understand you play guitar now. You bought yourself some electric guitars. Well, i bought a moon stone eagle. Stephen moon stone eagle. Do you know what a moon stone eagle is . Handmeat back in the 80s, right. Im not familiar. Stephen no, no. You sure thats not just a bong with strings on it. Moon stone eagle. Sounds like something that crystal graphics put out. laughter hey, is it Joni Mitchell. Dihear you met Joni Mitchell. Yes, this is whats so great this is the other thing about the show. We have amazing animations. Tone bell plays our Security Guard and he has p. T. S. D. He was a vet from afghanistan. So we try to get him to, you know, help himself by smoke weed. But you go inside his head, and you see all these weird things happening. I mean, you know dave javerbaum. Stephen i did know dave javerbaum. Its like all this stuff thats in davids head. Stephen where does Joni Mitchell fit in . Oh, right. I forgot that. laughter how am i looking . Is it going okay . Stephen the research is catching up with you. Okay stephen shortterm memory loss, i believe it is. Wait a minute dont confuse me. Stephen i wont. Joni mitchell, we play one of her songs a case of you in the third episode when tone is having his breakdown and she came to see the show. I got to meet her. Oh, my god. Stephen how is she doing . She hasnt been in public forever. Oh, no, no, no. She came out in public. We almost danced the other night. Shes amazing you love her . Stephen i love her so much. I know, i got to hold her hand and i was like, thats the hand that made all those amazing chords. Stephen yeah. Shes phenomenal. Are you all too young to be . Stephen no, they know who Joni Mitchell is. Thank god. Stephen were in the middle of the can the bayesance. Did you American Horror story and youre doing disjointed. Whats next fast and furious movies . I do love to drive. But not stoned. Stephen no, of course, not. I wouldnt recommend that. Oh, yeah, what am i doing next . Im doing a fabulous movie called on the basis of sex. Osex. And its with Felicity Jones and its about the Young Ruth Bader ginsburg. Stephen and she plays the Young Ruth Bader ginsburg . Yes, she looks incredible. Army hammer plays her husband, justin thorough. And i play a woman nobody has ever heard of. Stephen i cant wait. No, actually, i a play a woman who was born in 1888 laughter stephen well, you look fantastic laughter applause thank you for being here. Lovely talking to you. Stephen thank you. Stephen disjointed is available on netflix now. Kathy bates, everybody. Well be right back with comedian Nathan Mcintosh. 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Get a free sample at depend. Com. After 8 years of chris christie, is kim guadagno the change new jersey really needs . Guadagno is christies handpicked successor. Says shes proud to be part of the christie administration. Guadagno was Chris Christies right hand as our schools came under attack, Critical Services were underfunded, and our Credit Rating was downgraded. 11 times. From the bridge to the beach, weve seen it all, and weve had enough. Kim guadagno isnt the change we need. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back folks, my next guest is a comedian making his Network Television debut. Please welcome Nathan Mcintosh cheers and applause hey. Yeah, how is everybody doing cheers and applause this is absolutely great to be here all of my friends, everybody i know is having kids. That does not mean theyre ready to have kids. Theres a pretty good way to tell if youre ready or not. If your phone screen is shattered, youre not ready to have a kid laughter you never learned how to hold the thing you hold every day and now youre going to upgrade to baby like, you know if you drop your baby in water, you dont just put it in rice, right . You know that. laughter i get its hard not to drop our phones with how much we check them. I check my phone way too much. Im walking down a street and hit a red light and im like, i have about eight seconds to kill. I cant just stand here and breathe thats what a cave man would do. So i take my phone out and look at it and theres nothing i want to see. All i want to do with my phone i just want to be aeb to text people and call, thats it. But you cant call anybody anymore. We have all decided that we are never going to answer our phones again laughter it doesnt matter who it is. My best friends decline. Nobody cares. People still fight to find their phones. My phone is ringing. Where is it . There it is decline. Just turn laughter people text so much they dont even really know how to talk to you when they do. People talk to you and leave out common courtesies. People run up to you on the street and go, wheres starbucks as if i picked it up and moved it and didnt tell this person you have to say hello when you ask for something. Hello, where is starbucks. Even hey. Its one syllable, three letters. I would even accept grunts wheres starbucks. Of nobody wants to talk to anybody. I like talking to people. I try. Thats when i i go to a Grocery Store i avoid selfcheck out. I do not want to talk to robots. applause you think with some checkout you think with some checkout, we would have just got rid of cashiers but we didnt. We now just make cashiers stand there. laughter beside the selfcheckout. And we make them watch us do their job laughter applause that is a cashiers job now stand there and watch us mess up what they know how to do. And they always look so sad over there. Hunched over with their arms crossed. I used to ring things in like that. Thats broccoli, right, 3306. Ill never forget. laughter nobody wants to talk to anybody. Everybody just wants to sit in a room and binge watch shows on netflix for 18 straight hours. Youre not supposed to do that thats why when do you, netflix goes, are you still watching laughter applause you dont have anywhere to be . I like netflix, but i do misgoing to stores to rent movies. It was a fun time. applause also, any time i went to rent something, i actually picked something. I never went in there, wandered the aisles for an hour, look at every movie, pick nothing, and then go to bed laughter also, any time i represented a movie, i committed to it. It didnt matter how bad it was the. I put it in and im like, this sucks but its my fault that its here laughter what am i going to go back to bloc buster and go, you let me rent this i have some movies up on netflix for no reason, nothing. Opening credits start and theyre in italics and im like, really italics . What is this, a Powerpoint Presentation . Oh, look this directors jaim is geoff with a g. Beat it goff, im not watching your movie. We learned a better way to spell geoff. Its also fun to go to movie stores and see families fight over movies. It was a good time. See a kid run up to their mom, can we get nightmare on elm street . Youre six. Who told you about this movie . Dad did. Gary, what the hell, man. You have to go on vacation now if you want to see families fight. Families on vacation are breaking down. laughter some are having a good time. A lot are just getting a divorce in public. Screaming at each other. Kids are complaining about everything. Can we go back to the hotel . My phones dying. Theres no wifi you see a dad like, i didnt even want this family and just walks away. laughter i get how some people get so mad, too. Some families go on vacation and spend so much money. Some people go on vacation and spend 600 a night to stay in a hotel 600 a night then in the morning theyll get up and leave that room is that not crazy . If i ever go on a vacation and the hotel room is 600 a night, that room is the vacation laughter applause cheers on im not leaving that room. Im going to do everything you can in there. Im going to use all the soap, all the towels. Im going to open and close the blinds for an hour. I will finally read the bible i will get to it thank you guys so much. Appreciate you. cheers and applause thank you stephen you can see him performing at the drake hotel in toronto this tuesday. Nathan mcintosh, everybody well be right back. What is this . Its the new iphone, its for our anniversary. Our anniversary . Its thirtyfour days since we first met. I didnt. Get you anything. Oh its, its fine cuz. I got myself one too. Oh from you, for me, happy anniversary. I love it. That is very thoughtful of you. Thank you. Get the amazing new iphone 8. 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Moms take nyquil severe. The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, best sleep with a cold, medicine. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. Youve got a strange and i like it , you make ththe world seem right, you make the darkness bright, oh yes. Youve got a strange effect on me, and i like it. Behold the power of energizer® ultimate lithium™. Music the 1 longestlasting battery. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, focs. This has been an unforgettable week. I think. By friday, its so hard to remember. So lets take a sprint down memory lane with the best of this weeks late show. The nbc news story has just been totally rerefuted by secretary tillerson and vp pence. It is fakenews. They should issue an apology to america. I agree with the president nbc news does owe us an apology, because apparently tillerson didnt call our president a moron. He called him a bleep moron. cheers and applause Administration Officials are confident that tillerson will stay because, apparently, theres an agreement between defense secretary james mattis, treasury secretary, Steve Mnuchin and Rex Tillerson whereby all three cabinet secretaries vowed to leave in the event the president makes moves against one of them. Oh, and trump is known for making moves. Rex, if the president offers to take you furniture shopping, get out of there just get out of there cheers and applause did you ever consider politics or anything like that . No, stephen, i never did consider politics. Im an actor. That will do it. Stephen fine line. Its a fine line. You think . Stephen yeah, you both make things up. But you get paid better. Being a frog is really about body language. laughter do you want me to teach you how to be froggish. Stephen i have my own frog. Let me see your frog. Ill do my frog if you do your frog. cheers and applause stephen you got into a twitter feud with our president. Oh, yes, you have got a president and i got into a feud with him via twitter, like all dignified people must. Stephen the mayor of san juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago, has now been told by the democrats that you must nasty to trump. Okay, okay. Keep in mind 95 of the people there remain without power and only 11 of puerto rico has cell service. So to deliver their message to san juans mayor, the democrats must have used sky writing. laughter on behalf of all of the people of texas and all of the people of if you look today and you see whats happening how horrible it is, but we have it under really great control puerto rico, and the people of florida who have really suffered over this last short period of time with the hurricanes. I want to just remember them, and were going to dedicate this trophy to all of those people that went through so much that we love, a part of our great state. Really a part of our great nation. Stephen thats right, hes letting them split a golf trophy. Its like jesus said, for i was hungry and you gave me a golf trophy . What the hell . I cant eat this. We launched a campaign on twitter encouraging celebrities to post photos of themselves during their awkward teen years. And for every celebrity who tweets themselves with the puberme for puerto rico relief we will give 1,000 from the americone Ice Cream Fund to 1 americaappeal. We got some amazing offers here. Thats me. Thats conan. That is sam bee at age 13. Thats either bill clinton or fat baby elvis. laughter that is neil depube tyson right there. That brings our grand total to 999,000. cheers and applause yeah. Thats fantastic, but its stephen, its still stephen, we didnt make it to 1 million. Stephen i know we came so close but what can we do . If only we had one more awkward celebrity puberty photo, but we just dont. cheers and applause i got back from puerto rico yesterday and im more oh, i hate it here in new york stephen wooo unbelievable stephen well be right back. cheers and sold for eight thousand five . Hundred unicorn in rouge. Congratulations, sir. When you need help fast, call us with td asap on the td bank app and skip to the front of the line. Hi alex, i have your account pulled up. How can i help . Oh, uh. Great. Are you seeing this charge from an auction house . That doesnt look right. Ill take care of that. Oh good. Thank you. Because when you need help, you need it asap. Stephen well, thats it for join me next week when ill be joined by bill murray, tracee ellis ross, and conan obrien. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from oklahoma, misspp