Transcripts For COM The 20240628

The daily show presents indecision 2024 the first president ial debate. America watches through its fingers. With your host, jon stewart [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. Thank you so much for joining us. We are coming to you live [cheers and applause] you may sit. We just watched what we watched we just witnessed a debate between president Joseph Robinette biden versus former president Donald Robinette trump. It was a highly anticipated affair, according to the network that was running it. The first bidentrump debate, a little over one month away right here on cnn. We are less than two weeks away from the first president ial debate. Just one week from today. Welcome to the first workday of the most important week of the president ial campaign. Three days and counting. Just two days now. About 30 hours, 30ish hours. Just over 24 hours. Twelve and a half hours say the words its debate day in america jon the candidates must have been so excited to know they havent missed it i imagine old man biden opening his window and shouting at the street below, you there, boy what day is today . Why, its debate day, sir then theres still time prepare the debate goose prior to the event, what did the Political Class believe was the criteria for each candidate to be successful . First, donald trump. Trump has to show that hes not going to end democracy. Dont respond in a way that the suburban mothers wouldnt like. Dont interrupt joe biden. Dont take the bait. Dont look like a bully. Dont get angry. Portray normalness. Jon cant you just pretend to be normal for 90 minutes . How is this advice for a president ial debate and not what you would say to your parents when you bring a date home for the first time . Can you not talk about january 6 and please dont do your asian voice . I really like this girl but thats trump. Surely, the expectations on the President Biden will be higher. He absolutely cannot have a senior moment. A physical or verbal stumble. Him forgetting something. Any of his kind of freezing moments. Stay alert, to stay engaged, and to stay awake. President biden has to show that he can stand there for an extended period of time. Remain upright. [laughter] jon remain upright . To be president . I may be mistaken, but i believe those are the same qualifications needed to be scarecrow tonight, the president must show the country that he can keep our corn safe. But then, it was time for the actual debate. And lets see how it began both men came out and yes, okay, then of course both men are ambulatory. They are both upright. Level one cleared. This is an important discussion between two important men. What are the rules . We want to share the rules of the debate with the audience at home. Each candidate will have two minutes to answer a question, and one minute each for responses and rebuttals. Jon what can you do in two minutes . I cant even articulate whats wrong with your entire set up to this debate an adbreak to watch a hulu show is three minutes what can you do in 2 minutes . But okay, thats going to winnow out what may be interesting substance. But lets begin we know the bar thats been set up for each to pass. Biden has to not look old and not have a senior moment. Go. Making sure that were able to make every single solitary person eligible for what ive been able to deal with. With the covid, excuse me, with dealing with everything we have to do with look, if we finally beat medicare thank you, President Biden. Jon i need to call a Real Estate Agent in new zealand. Okay, High Pressure situation. A lot of times you confuse saving medicare with. Beating it. Im sure its not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin. Anybody can [bleep] up talking how did biden do not talking . How close the police are to him. Almost every police group in the nation from every state and everybody wanted to get it back to the states, everybody. And china, nothing and russia nothing, and india nothing. I will have that reporter out. He should have had him out a long time ago. Because i didnt have legislation. I said close the border. We had the safest border in history. Jon not great. But a lot of people have resting 25th amendment face. [laughter] im not a political expert, but while biden was preparing at camp david for a week, did anyone mention he would also be on camera . On the split screen . Is there any moment here that can save biden . This is the first president ial election since the Supreme Court overturned roe v. Wade. Jon oh, shit were back, baby abortion aid to the b to the o to the the repeal of roe v. Wade, thats trumps weakest issue its been a great thing. Jon oh, he is [bleep] he is [bleep] its a great thing hit em, joey its been a terrible thing, what youve done. Jon its a terrible this is awesome we are done here. Tko. No, no, joe dont say anything joey the idea that states are able to do this is a little like saying, were going to turn civil rights back to the states, let each state have a different rule. Look, there are so many young women who have been, including a young woman who just was murdered and he went to the funeral. And the idea that she was murdered by an immigrant coming in, they talk about that. Jon did you just immigration abortion . I know abortion is one of our strongest issues, but let me, for a moment, talk about immigrants killing and rating rating people. Its one of our weakest. Folks, i think sportsmanship would insist that an opponent not seize on the opportunity such as this. There have been many young women murdered by the same people he allows to come across our border. Jon so how do we do this, white house tonight . We done with this shit . Dubai ups his stuff . That was [bleep] crazy what he did. So biden, perhaps not on top of his game. Maybe i will check out this young upstart donald trump. Obviously we have a binary choice, so let me see what this trump fella is about. As we learned earlier, he just had to come in there and not be an asshole. He doesnt care about our veterans. He doesnt care. It is unlike the military at all. Probably the Worst Administration in the history. The worst presidency in the history of our country. This shouldnt be a debate. He is the worst president. I really dont know what he said at the end of the sentence. He challenges me to a golf match. He cant even hit the ball 50 yards. Jon does not appear to have passed the asshole test. See me after debate. All right, trump. What do you got on substance . We have the greatest economy in the history of our country. A lot of credit for the military, no wars, and so many other things. Everything was rocking good. But the thing we never got the credit for and we should have is getting out of the covid mess. He allowed millions of people to come in here from prisons, jails, and mental institutions. The only jobs he created are for illegal immigrants. We had the lowest taxes ever. I didnt have sex with a porn star. [cheers and applause] jon she was a porn character actor at best im not saying she couldnt open a movie but. Just so we are all clear, everything that donald trump said in that clip is a lie. Blatant and full, and we were tight on time putting this all [bleep] together. There is plenty more. It really makes you wonder, what is rfk jr. Doing tonight . Maybe hes got something what is that . Im sorry. Oh, vaccines . No, i see. Thats i am sure, there are side effects to all of them, okay. And a worm where . Okay, fair enough. Vice president running mate donated how much . Anyway. There was, of course, a moment where i kind of thought we were getting substantial. I was recently in france for dday and i spoke to all all about the heroes that died. I went to the world war ii world war i ceremony he refused to go to. He was standing with the fourstar general and he said i dont want to go in there because they are a bunch of losers and suckers. My son was not a loser. You are the sucker. You are the loser. [cheers and applause] jon shit just got real. I thought it was a madeup quote. Jon a madeup quote, which i think in trump land means that is a real quote. But this is about our nation and veterans, foreign policy. This is important to biden. Come on, brother. Fourstar general standing by your side was on your staff who said you said it, period. We have done more for veterans than any president has done in american history. The only sacred obligation we have is a country is to care for our veterans when they come home and their families and equip them when they go to war. That is what we are doing. That is what the v. A. Is doing now. We are doing more for veterans in every president in history. Thank you so much. Lets move to the topic of foreign policy. Jon move on . No no dont move on who came up with these rules and why would any of these people agree to them . The one thing that we did prove tonight is that the maga Conspiracy Theory about bidens upcoming debate performance was nonsense. A little before debate time, he gets a shot in the ass. They are giving the president some sort of a stimulant, a. D. D. Drug, adderall, ritalin. New drugs that are out there are specifically for alzheimers or parkinsons. A lot of caffeine pills. Debate viagra. Certainly, there are drugs that can be used to energize a person in that state. Jon i apologize. For how fast i am talking now. I am on those drugs. Let me just say, after watching tonights debate, both of these men should be using performanceenhancing drugs. [cheers and applause] both. As much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow. If performanceenhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and in one of the candidates cases, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism, then depository away guess what, everybody they should be taking whatever magical drug can kick their brains into gear because this aint olympic swimming. You know what im saying . Oh, he is off the middle east but he was doping so it doesnt count. There is going to be an asterisk next to his presidency. And by the way, if those drugs dont exist, if there arent actually performanceenhancing drugs for these candidates, i could sure [bleep] use some recreational ones right now because this cannot be real life it just cant [bleep] we are america god [cheers and applause] when we come back, Lori Gottlieb will be joining us. Dont go away. Dont go away. [cheers and applause] [dramatic music] whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You dont want to do this. Oh, i promise you. I do. [metal squeaks] what have you done . Dont get mad. I borrowed some adamantium from your claws, and i made us something special. [song just the two of us] [song just the two of us] yeah you heineken® silver. All the taste, no bitter endings. See . Isnt this better than fighting . Nope. Come on road, do your worst. Well be at our best. Engineered to meet or exceed original equipment performance. Exclusively at autozone. sigh i need better credit card rewards. Try my travel points calculus. No thanks. This is better. 75k bonus miles and lounge access . Love it. Everything you need to outsmart the system. Intuit credit karma. You will be the first transport everything you need into agents with powers beyond those of mortal man. Or, you just might explode, we dont really know. I give you. The mega minions. [ speaking minionese ] [ laughter ] good luck with that. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the daily show. Now now. My guest tonight, an incredibly prescient booking by our talented people, is a psychotherapist. Hmm, fancy that. Bestselling author of maybe you should talk to someone, and dear therapist columnist for the atlantic. Please welcome to the program Lori Gottlieb [cheers and applause] please, have a seat. [cheers and applause] doctor, you are probably wondering why i have called you here tonight. Yes, my therapist clearly turned off his phone. [laughs] jon i am sure. Are you expecting as a therapist on occasions like this, they always say, the super bowl, people get so angry and they are rooting for their teams and there is a huge uptick in arguments and violence in all kinds of other things. Do you expect something similar for an event like this . Well, i think that a lot of people are going to be having arguments. I dont know that its going to be domestic violence. But i think there is definitely going to be a lot of arguments happening with friends, family, workplaces, all of it. Jon and you think because this is a time when the country is really focused on this and there is really no way to escape it, and so whatever schisms are there are going to be exacerbated . I think they are. Also because we are so polarized. I think people dont know how to have conversations about the issues. It doesnt even become about the issues anymore as we just saw. Jon we were as i load, is of the nation keeping us from having to have those conversations . Because he you dont really run into those people that you disagree with too much except on thanksgiving . [laughs] i think you run into them on social media. And i think that is where a lot of this is happening and then people get very upset by what they are seeing on social media. I can understand when we look at the rates of anxiety and depression. We say in therapy, before diagnosing someone with depression, make sure they arent surrounded by assholes. [laughs] are not going to name who those assholes are. Jon is that really a thing . It is a thing. Jon wow. I understand. Jon look at who drove you hear. Look at who sent you here. Because often the people who come to therapy are the people who are coming to therapy because the people who should be in therapy are not coming to therapy. Jon that just blew my mind. [laughs] jon so this is people are coming because they feel they dont have an outlet for their frustrations and the only outlet they might have become a social media, is toxic. Welcome i think what you see on social media is a lot of this sort of namecalling and again, there is not a lot of new ones, not a lot of complexity. It is a lot of people it was like that Golf Exchange on the debate. [laughs] those kinds of things where people are talking about completely irrelevant things or they are just uninformed. I think that people jon uninformed and irrelevant, a president ial debate. [laughs] jon how do you deal with there is an existential fear to this. I mean, for social media to keep people engaged, for news organizations to keep people watching, they have to ramp up the urgency and the existential nature of the crisis. So you are sort of torn between these two impulses. One is to not participate, which would be advocating civic responsibility, but the other would be to bathe yourself in this existential crisis. What choice do you have . We do have a choice. Look at anxiety. There is productive anxiety and unproductive anxiety. Jon what . Well, think about it. If you didnt have anxiety, you wouldnt be able to be safe. That is why we have anxiety. There is a bear, you better have anxiety. Unproductive anxiety as im just going to stand here. Productive anxiety is, im going to do something about this. Jon see, that is so we are because my anxiety has never saved me from bears but it often convinces me i am not lovable. [laughs] jon so how i shared too much. [applause] i was just going to say jon how do you separate this . I didnt want to watch the debate tonight but i do work once a week now so i have to because it is toxic to me. I know that. I have to participate. But how does that anxiety of watching it, how is that a relic of something that is good for me . It is good for you because then you can take action. By the way, i hope you are taking action on the unlovable thing. I hope you are getting action with them. Jon thanks for mushrooms, baby. Micro does away. Sorry. It is helpful because you say there are two ways you can respond to this. You can say, im going to put my head in the sand and not engage, which is, i hope not the option that people here are taking. And you can also say, i am just spinning in anxiety, i am doomed scrolling, getting all worked up. Jon yes. That is not helpful. That is unproductive anxiety. Then there is productive anxiety where you say, what can you do . You can get involved in a campaign, you can volunteer, you can please vote. You can get the people around you to vote. There are things you can do. The thing you want to do is you want to say, what can i control here . And that is where you take your anxiety and you say it is going to motivate me to do something productive. Jon does sitting in your underwear screaming at the tv account has action . [laughs] no. Jon doc, you are losing me here. Have you seen an effect of this on relationships . All marriages come on families . Is this separating people at a much deeper, more emotional level than what we are understanding . Yes, absolutely. You know, when i see couples in therapy, often with a command, that person you say, what is going on . And the person wants something to change. What they want to change as the other person, the person sitting there. Jon sure. They dont think i want to change myself or have a role in this. I see that and what happens around these political conversations is that people dont say, oh, maybe i am not being curious about why they think what they think or im not really getting to the bottom of it and i am just were just yelling at each other. Jon are you seeing this in couples, and married couples, where politics has driven a wedge to them that they cant overcome . Absolutely. Jon how do you traverse a political conversation with a couple . There is this great phrase in therapy saying, i wonder. It starts with i wonder. Jon i got it. It is kind of like, i wonder if instead of taking another drink, maybe you should take a walk when youre feeling sad. Jon unfortunately, it is a live show, we are out of time. I use that all the time. I wonder why you are such an asshole. [laughs] jon check out loris book, maybe you should talk to someone, her column in the atlantic, and her dear therapists podcast. Dear therapists podcast. Lori gottlieb i wanna rock n roll all night and Party Everyday i wanna rock n roll applebees late night because half off is just more fun. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. With so many choices on booking. Com there are so many tina feys i could be. So i hired body doubles. Mountain climbing tina at a cabin. Or tree climbing tina at a beach resort. Nice booking. Com booking. Yeah. [cheers and applause] jon hey, everybody, that is our show for tonight. Here it is, your moment of zen. Joins us now from inside the debate hall. John, how is it working, what is it like . Well, 24 hours from now, in a few minutes, anderson, you will have a president and a former president standing on the same stage. Pretty close to each other. These lecterns are just 8 feet apart. I can basically touch them at the same im goin down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im goin down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine basketballs a very physical sport. I get a lot of marks throughout the season. Its a sign of hard work. 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