Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20121022

Admission. Today a new Supreme Court heard a challenge to that which could change the law of the land on affirmative action. Affirmative action will return to the Supreme Court docket. It involves a white student female who claims affirmative action was the reason she was shut out at the university of texas. For the first time to in ten years the justices are weighing the question has affirmative action run its course . Yes, because discrimination is over. Just look at cnn. They employ on all talent from all ethnicities and backgrounds and thats just soledad obrien. The student denied admission to the university of texas claims her race was held against her forcing her toll attend Louisiana State university. Folks, theres no greater injustice than having to attend your safety school. [ laughter ] i was devastated when i had to go to dartmouth instead of my first choice hogwarts. [cheers and applause] i mean they never [ laughter ] they never even responded to my application owl probably because he was white. [ laughter ] but nation [cheers and applause] but nation, it looks like affirmative actions days are numbered because chief Justice Robert has a history of opposing these terrible quotas he said the way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race. Yeah, everybody just knock it off. The American People dont need a law to stop them from discriminating. Give them a chance and theyll do it on their own. Thats why lincoln issued the emancipation suggestion. [ laughter ] hopefully, folks hopefullies well get a Supreme Court ruling that leads to a more equal world aim post racial met your ok casey where no one is given an advantage because of skin color where in the institutions only the cream of crop is chosen and the race of the students does not matter anymore because everyone will be asian. [ laughter ] folks, that is the final word on this subject. Here to say more final words on it, please welcome legal expert and Senior Research fellow at yale law school. Thank you so much. Good to see you. [cheers and applause] okay. Good many to see you again. First things first, okay . Hold on. Are you white . Okay. I have to ask. I dont see race. Not even my own. I was going to ask you. Stephen people tell me im white and i believe them because i look both ways before i talk about race. Okay . All right. How does the law stand right now in this case . If the obama girls were amying to the university of texas would they get preferential placement because of race . The thing about them is you could imagine them having an advantage in admission because they are celebrity kids. Stephen just imagine just their father had nuclear weapons. Africanamerican kids get placement under these rules . Not necessarily. Its one of personal attributes the school can take into account. They dont have to favor an africanamerican wealthy public cant. Stephen what is this girl complaining about . She said it happened to her because its possible race is in the mix for some of the kids who got in and she did not. Stephen what are the factors legacy, if your dad gave a library. Community service, leadership, socioeconomic background. You have to write he ises is a. Theres a long list of things. Stephen how do you think its going to go . I dont think its going to go well for university of texas and affirmative action because Justice Kennedy seemed skeptical. And he was worried about privileged africanamericans getting a legup over poorer white students. Stephen there are only eight justices because kagan recused herself. Why . Presumably she worked on the case but she didnt tell us why. Stephen shouldnt sotomayor take themselves out of it because they are minorities . Jewish people have had a rough time, too. The irish 100 years ago need not apply along with italians. Shouldnt it just be roberts deciding this case . Doesnt he have the most skin in the game because if you get rid of affirmative action that benefits more white people. Stephen yeah but thats how it always has been. Doesnt that seem the most american . Historically you are probably right. Stephen white man is neutral. Uncle sam default americans. This isnt true. Stephen his you on the ropes. I almost made you a jewish woman admit i more american than you are. We live in a melting pot immigrant filled society with all races and we want to keep it that way. Stephen if affirmative action is over turned what is going to the be the greatest effect of that . We would hope that schools would start taking more socioeconomics into account and using thats away toy continue to have poor students come into school. Stephen thats about class. That is class but there will be fewer africanamerican and hispanic students admitted. Stephen so we could be in a class war. I hope not. Stephen weve been in a race war. You are inviting a class war . Stephen im not inviting it. I want to know what war ill be into. I would be tbhrt a race war than a class war because im in the top 1 and thats a minority. But in a race war im in the majority. Thats still true but not for that long. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen can we have a Supreme Court case about that . About having more white people have a higher birth rate . I dont think sox well continue to be more and more diverse. Its a good thing. Stephen i believe that all people regardless of race, creed or color have the right to be saddled with crushing student debt for the rest of their lives. Please come back. Well be right back. Thanks, emily. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back everybody. Thank you so much. Folks, tonight, of course is without any doubt in my heart sure to be mitt romneys triumph but lets not forget the important contribution made by his youthful ward paul ryan and on saturday ryan did it again. Vice president ial candidate paul ryan came to northeast ohio. He visit aid soup cich money in youngstown. As the family washed dishes at the kitchen. Stephen forget atlas shrugs this weekend atlas scrubs. And here is the thing, how did the charity thank ryan . With a steaming ladle of complaints. The Romney Campaign is on defense over this paul ryan photo op at a soup kitchen. The president of the charity said the campaign quote ramrodded their way in so ryan could get his picture taken while washing dishes. The photo op they did was not accurate. He did nothing. He came in here to get the picture taken at the dining hall. Stephen yes, accord twoafght paul ryan showed up for 15 minutes at a soup kitchen after the patrons had left and washed pots and pans that did not appear to be dirty. [ laughter ] now, folks, that may sound pointless but remember hes running for Vice President. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, it wasnt the most embarrassing photo of ryan weve seen lately. Ryan is following his bosses lead. Last week mitt paid a visit to the soup cich china is the special kitchen in his house that makes only soup. [ laughter ] its right next its right next to the saltine bakery so they are fresh. [ laughter ] the dining halls coordinator piled on adding it was quote the phoniest piece of baloney ive ever been associated with which is saying a lot considering the quality of baloney that is generally served at soup kitchens. But i believe theres nothing to see here, folks. Ryans townhall ran a little late sew missed homeless breakfast. What was he supposed to do charity on the needy schedule . Sometimes thats not possible. Take me im a busy man but i like to be photographed appearing to help others so once a month after this show ends at midnight i chug a five hour energy and go to the nursing home and break out old alto sax and start wailing. [cheers and applause] i dont want to brag but im something of a miracle working. Some of them jump out the bed for the first time in years. Dont fault ryan here, folks. I say he is the victimment and i have i message for those so quick to judge this good man. [ laughter ] hi im Stephen Colbert with save the candidates. This is paul. Some day he wants it be Vice President of the united states. But he needs your help. For just a few minutes a day you can provide paul with the photo ops he desperately needs to look like he cares. Anything you give will help. A handful of orphans to stand near. A disabled vet to wave at. Even a homeless man to pet. Wont you call now and help this young man live up to his dreams of cutting all your government funding. [ laughter ] well be right back. [cheers and applause] w pxuuuuuu [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is the mayor of newark, new jersey. I made him take a connecting flight through chicago. Please welcome cory booker. [cheers and applause] boom mayor booker good to see you again. Good to see you. Stephen good to see you again. Great to be here. Stephen a ward you my coveted alpha dog of the week. Yes. Stephen for running into a burning building. Yes you also put me on your list of threats to america because i wanted to eat america because of its racial deliciousness. Stephen that was a while ago. That was the night obama was nominated, you sir, did lick your chops and say the racial deliciousness. Glad i made it from a threat to an alpha dog. Stephen youre welcome. My worry is why are you in my studio . Am i on fire . Is this place about to collapse . In new jersey you are hot. So yes, yes. Stephen thank you very much. What i love but going in and doing those city service jobs. You shostled a driveway that was complaining it shows we dont need Big Government we need one very committed mayor. How is newark . Doing extraordinarily well. Were in the biggest Economic Development period since the 1950s. Companies are coming in from pana sonic moving the headquarters. 1,000 employees, to the Global Headquarters to manechevitz. Stephen you have the worst wine on planet earth coming mazel. Can i get it to you wholesale if you would like. Stephen thank you very much. What do you think happened at the first debate for your friend barack obama . Were you tempted to go in there and fire him and carry him out of there. His campaign was burning down last week. I think that we in in this sliermt of American Idol we get focused on form and not as much on the substance. I think the president was right on substance. Stephen and that what leadership is about . Theres a reason the king wears a crown and not a dust rag. He has to have the right idea but also has to look the part. Before there was a tv some of the greatest president s, we had a guy in a wheelchair one of most extraordinary president s stephen i dont believe you. I want a president who is going to stand up for all americans, value things like education, investment in infrastructure that knows america has to continue to move forward on what made America Great in the past. This is why i believe barack obama is the guy. Debate performance or not i believe he has been the right president for america. [cheers and applause] stephen okay. But are the democrats the right party for america . I ask you were on the Democratic National committees platform committee. I cochaired the committee. Stephen you cochaired the committee. Why was the word god not included in the platform . And is that what is happening to the campaign right now. God is striking him down . I know im praying i would survive the interview. The reality is religion was in there. Faith was in there. We had a section in. There were a nation of many faiths. The Democratic Party platform which actually made a very big section about us being inclusive, about us being a faith driven society and favoring faith based programs. If you read the document, dont get carried away in the sound bites. We live in a political environment where sound bites and half truths take the day in the substance of the matter. I wanted to serve on the committee because im about ideas. This Democratic Party platform has sound ideas. I read the Republican Party platform. They talked about exploring and going back to the gold standard. Without gold our money is worthless. If you want to pay for a latte at starbucks bring your brick of gold and a nutmeg grater. You have an idea. Waywire. Com. Why are you a mayor engaging in entrepreneurship . I believe we have a problem. The voices of the american citizens is not piercing the noise of owl garky of media. Video content is going big on the internet. Stephen no offense but we have the youtube. Its incredible but you need to find the video content important to you and stephen they have a search bar. No offense. Toss them ill knock them down now. Way wear say platform for people when are passionate issues and want to discover information about the issues they are passionate about but it gives them a chance to the contribute to the dialog in a way that elegantly fits on top of the social media stream. Stephen its video comown case and activism at the same time. Very good. Stephen thats one of those sound bites you dont like. [ laughter ] thank you sox newark new jersey thank you so stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Good night. [cheers and applause] j. D. one of the reasons turk and i are so popular around here is that we love helping our fellow doctors. Hey, hooch. Thats my name. Dont wear it out. Classic hooch. Listen, even though im not gonna be paid, im gonna cover your shift at the clinic tonight so you can do mr. Schindlers endoscopy. And im gonna crosscover all of dr. Turners patients so turner can assist you on the procedure. Why are you guys going through so much trouble . Whos doing the endoscopy on mr. Schindler . Turner and hooch turner and hooch ha ha ha ha ha Whoo Whoo Whoo whoo whoo all right were you just hooch . I wasyeah. Everyone hates you guys. Oh, hooch. Hooch is crazy j. D. as much as hooch loved us, it was even better to see turk happy. See, he and carla had recently started couples therapy and im not sure he was enjoying it. Carla says you cry after you orgasm. Would you like to talk about that . No, not really. J. D. i decided to help their marriage by moving out, partly because carla and i had accidentally kissed and messed things up, but mostly because it was time. Still, finding an apartment has not been easy. Im so sorry about your father. Im sure he lived a wonderful life at 14 maple drive, apartment 4b. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive . Ever mention any hot neighbors . What are you doing in the oncall room . [crying] nothing. I gotta go. Ok. J. D. thankfully, turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. Still, theres a weird new thing he does whenever he says goodbye. Ok, ill see you around. Aah peace, homey. Uh, do you guys think that clarissa is more attractive than me . Yes. Whos. Clarissa . Shes the short, balding woman in the pharmacy. Oh, then definitely yes. She just got engaged, bad combover and all. When clarissa beats you to the altar, it might be time to hang up the ovaries