laughter stephen what are you people doing here . Shouldnt you be out celebrating . cheers and applause because evidently, you dont listen to anything i say ive been bringing you the truth for seven years, and how do you repay me . Four more years of hopichange. applause what do you think . What do you think . You think i do this night after night for your amusement . I do it for america. Whats the point . cheers and applause sighs laughter who the win the 10,000 prize . laughter applause stephen okay, apparently, i am contractually obliigate to do a show. Thank you very much, thank you very much. Okay, um, all right, fine. All right, lets ah, lets do this. Um, so, if i have to, i have to. Lets talk about the big election. Last night, due to the technicality called the constitution, barack obama was reelected president. Though cheers applause uh. bleep you. laughter applause now, folks, keep in mind, keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. It was like a 5149er, okay. Just because obama won the blue states up here, hes the president of all of them now . Romney won all that red stuff. Why dont we elect our president on square footage, because romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south. Louisiana, nawlins loves mirawmnah. But, but, evidently, heres the deal. Of the nine key swing states, balm won eight. I dont i mean how even pennsylvania. Despite the fact that after a week of hurricane sandy, thousands of amish remain without power. applause anyway, anyway, obama won. America is done. Its over jimmy, roll the credits. america the beautiful beauti cheers and applause ill tell you, folks, theres a simple reason why america is over. Because last nights election wasnt decided by real americans. Its a changing country. The demographics are changing. Its not a traditional america anymore. And there are 50 of the voting public who want stuff. laughter they want things. And who is going to give them things . President obama. The white establishment is now the minority. Stephen yes, traditional america is no more, okay. Thats all american traditions. No more trickortreating. No more homecoming. When someone sneezes you have to say happy holidays. Folks, papa bear, papa bear bill oreilly is right. The white establishment, guys like us, were the minority now, and were helpless against this tide of nonwhite people who want stuff and things. laughter . Theyre the thingstuffwanters. Whereas traditional white people of any race we dont want things. We have things. laughter applause okay . cheers we know what to do with things. We keep it with our stuff. And its not just White America thats endangered. Its also manmerica. Just ask msnbc news dabbler johnny doitch19 female senators out of 100. Thats where americas demographics are headed. 20 women. This is why i have said we have to close our porous borders have vagistan. I dont know about you, but i can never find the capital of that place cheers and applause you guys know what im talking about. Those guys over there know what im talking about. Plus, folks, the whole the whole the whole election was marred by voter irregularities. First of all, east coast got to vote three hours earlier. That cant be fair. laughter and then there was that one place where that one black guy was. Thats scary stuff. And that wasnt the only trick the liberals pulled. And then there was this. A mural of president obama watching over voters for hours at one polling place in a school. Only after complaints was it partially covered up. Thats something they would expect, maybe in china or oldstyle russia but not in the united states. Stephen yes, because voters are very susceptible to whatever they see on high school walls which is why in 2008, New Hampshire voted in governor jeremy plus abby 4eva. applause laughter and, nation, i gotta tell you, yesterday my own voting experience left much to be desired. For one thing, my booth was completely out of toilet paper. laughter . No matter howment how many timei pulled that lever it wouldnt flush, okay. I just got the hell out of there. I saw all sort of vote irregularity. Youre not able to campaign within 100 feet in front of a polling station but i saw countless signs telling me to vote for a guy named aqui. That doesnt sound american. That doesnt sound american to me. And the illegal electioneering went all the way to the ballot itself. All over the country what, did voters have to do on their scantron sheets . Fill in an o. Where have i seen that before . And no surprise, it starts out white and youre forced to fill it in black. laughter applause okay, youre not fooling anybody thats the democrats game. And, of course, the democrats had to make unsubstantiated charges the republicans tried tricks, too. Republicans have lost every legislative effort, and so theyre resorting to their oldschool tactics. So this is the vote by phone scam reported in richmond, virginia purpose voters targeted with false information on ability to vote by phones, especially seniors, receiving calls and being told that they can vote by phone. Hundred, if not thousands of robo calls went out this morning reminding voters they have until 7 00 p. M. Tomorrow night to vote. Not the case. 7 00 p. M. Tonight is the deadline. Stephen folks, i dont buy tokay. First of all, it wouldnt work. Everybody knows the election was yesterday, and they be yo know u cant vote over the phone. Even if old people got that call they would never phone ringing im sorry. Hold on. Thats my phone, hold on. Hello . One. Stephen holo, who is this please . One. One. One. Stephen who is this . Its wilford, wilford brimley. Stephen wilford, wilford, what are you doing . Im trying to dos show here. Im voting by phone. I got a call yesterday telling me i could vote today as long as i did it over the phone. All i had to do was push or say one. Stephen wilford one. Stephen wilford why did you call me . I got you on the speed guile dial. Youre one. Stephen wilford you cant vote by phone. How dare you suppress my vote airfare served my country. I was a rodeo clown. Stephen i know, wilford, i know. Thank you for your service, but im not fine, ill vote by fax. tone dialing . Stephen you cant vote by fax, either. Help one one Stephen Wilford brimley, everybody. Try to get him back on the phone. Wilford, are you ok p0 cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Now, folks i gotta tell you, one of the things that has gotten me deblessed about obamas ridiculous reelection was that speech he gave last night on evidently nairobi time laying out his priorities for the next term. We want our children to live in an america that isnt burdened by debt, isnt weakened by inequality, that isnt threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet. Stephen you hear that . Warming planet. Thats Global Warming laughter whether we want his ieflt energies or not, he is going to bend america over and stick solar power where the sun dont shine. laughter but as i suspected, folks, alternative energy come with risks. At first, Ernie Marshall was all for the new wind farm going up near his home and it sound like a great idea. But soon after the turbines started rolling, he said he started suffering a litany of Health Complaints. Ive had problems with my heart. I have problems with my ears. It traumatizes your whole body. Stephen yes, living near a windmill can ruin your health. Thats why everybody in the nighter land is always sparking up their medical marijuana. Now, folks those who suffer from whats become known as wind turbine syndrome say its caused by the noise, vibrations, and moving shadows of the turning blade. And ive heard the same complaint about the gillette fusion power phantom razor. A study by the university of sydney found 150 Health Problems attributed to Wind Turbines including migraine, sleep loss, stomach problems, vertigo, weight gain, weight loss, hair turning gray, type 1 diabetes, and herpes. Yes, herpes. As in, no, baby, i didnt cheat on you. Of it the windmill. It used my toilet seat. applause laugh which of course, which of course begs the question whos been bleep our windmills . laughter now, wind turbine syndrome laughter might just seem like a collection of unrelated Health Complaint to the untrained eye by the way untrained eye also a symptom of wind turbine syndrome. The relationship is seems that way is because it probably is. Several studies have concluded there are no evidence offing Health Effects from Wind Turbines. But just because its made up doesnt mean its not contablous. Wind turbine syndrome is what we can call a communicated disease. It spreads via the nocebo effect by being talked. Okay . Follow me here. The the nocebo effect is a negative placebo effect. Its why i had my doctor take me off my placebos. They kept curing my hypochondria. The point is, you can get you can get wind turbine syndrome just by hearing someone talk about it. Like im doing now. laughter and because it doesnt actually exist, it stands to reason, you could catch it from any green technol i dont approve of. For example, do you live near a solar panel . Or do you own a solar powered calculator . And have you had any of these symptoms headache, nausea, lack of nausea, forgetting where you put your keys or problems breathing under water . laughter well, sound like youve got a bad case of solar panel syndrome. The point is, obamas going to kill us all. laughter applause so we should all just keep burning fossil fuels. That way the problem wont be all in your head. It will be spread evenly throughout your lungs. laughter applause well be right back. ,x cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a president ial historian. Ill ask her why obama isnt history yet. Please welcome Doris Kearns Goodwin cheers and applause doris, good to see you again. Thanks for coming back. Always a pleasure to have you on. Thank you, sir. Stephen now this is a big high time for you president ial historians, right . Big time, big, big time. Stephen now you know which sort of president ial lego to snap into the next four years of of the of the big sort of picture youre making of american history. Now youre perhaps most famous for writing the book that obama said he would bring into the oval office if he could only bring the bible and one other book. Its team of rivals. Got it. Stephen about lincoln and his, you know, conflicted cabinet. Its out right now in paperback because it is one of the books that the movie plirchgon by spielberg is based on. You got the Daniel Day Lewis on the cover. Hes sexy, dont you think . Stephen you mean, lincoln or Daniel Day Lewis . Was lincoln sexy . I think so. And ive been saying it for years, but everybody thought i was crazy. But now, theres the proof. Stephen yeah. Okay. He was funny, too. You would have loved him. Stephen lincoln . Yeah. He told dirty stories all the time. Yeah laughter stephen can i hear one . applause actually, theres one thats in the movie. Stephen oh, yeah. He tells this story about this guy named ethan allen, a revolutionary war hero one of your guys. He goes to england after the war and they want to embarrass him and they put a picture of George Washington in the only outhouse and he comes out and is not upset at all. Didnt you see George Washington . Oh, yes. A perfectly appropriate place. What do you mean . Well, theres nothing to make an englishman bleep faster than the picture of George Washington. He had hundreds. He could tell these on a dime. He fhe could be here, you would love him. Stephen what happened to him . laughter id love to have him on. No, every president every president ue said every president sort of sees themselves in a historical context, compares themselves to a predecessor in the white house. Who who do you think he is if youre going to compare him to someone earlier, obama, to some earlier president , and then who does he think he is . Well, theres no question once they get in the white house, its the only contest left. Where do you fit in history . You walk around and you see all those pictures. Do you want to be milliard fillmore, Franklin Pierce . No. You want to be lincoln. You want to be f. D. R. You want to be roosevelt. And i think he sees himself as a figure in history. And thats a good thing. It means he wants to be remembered in time for having done things that matter, for having changed america in a good way. You want a president in there to do that. You dont want him to float around to hail to the chief and go out after four years, right. The expression on your face says no. Stephen i want obama to go out after four years for any reason at all. Are you really sad . Stephen well. laughter i dont know. Im disappointed in, you know, them. The they. The people. Stephen the people, that they voted for him. They bought lie. Can i sing a song to make you feel better . Happy days are here again. Stephen thats a democrat song. Get on a raft with taft. Stephen isnt . That song, isnt taft the raft himself . He weighed 330 pounds so it would be racketer scary to be on a raft with him. Stephen it would be a dangerous raft, exactly. I dont think im making you happy, though. Stephen you always make me happy being here. Whats the day like for the guy after he loses. Last night it was probably none compus mentis. What is the day like for the loser . I know because i lived with many of these dead president s because i well theyre not president s. Nixon said he couldnt sleep for days. He said, what if i hadnt agreed to debate that guy . What if i hadnt had the stupid makeup missing on my sallow face. And similarly im sure romney said, what if i hadnt done boca rotan. Stephen what if i hadnt told anybody what my plans were. Doris, thank you so much for joining me. Doris kearns goodwin, team of rivals, sexy cheers and applause