Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20121207

Circus. applause my first question will be, of course, what do i have in my pocketses . Shhh dont tell. Mr. Circus, of course, is the pioneer in the art of performance capture. He has played so many of the great computergenerated characters, not just gollan, but king kong, caesar from planet of the apes and of course abraham lincoln. You really believe its daniel day lewis. Of course, hobit heads like me cant wait for this movie and luckily, we dont have to, thanks to the wizards at dennys who are bringing the spirit of middle earth to the middle of the i80 route 126 interchange. Lord jim. First, i will have the skillet. Next, i shall secure some hobit holes with the side of a pumpkin pancake. That should hold me until second breakfast. Eat like a hobit, only at dennys. Stephen yes, eat like a hobit, because at dennys, you cant eat like a human. laughter . Obviously, obviously, folks tolken was an oxford professor who with the simple fantasy novel exploredded link between language and culture and the shared mythological themes. He probably gets the gandolfgobblemelt. Remember to slather it with gandolf gravy. Or maybe get the ring burger, which the legends say will turn your intestines into ghoul laughter so be sure to try every hobit meal. Theyre a delicious tribute to a beloved childrens book, though the breakfast has a much darker ending. Of course its true. Of course, theres nothing more magical than the miracle of child birth. But only if its your child. If its somebody elses, it looks like a scene they cut to keep the r rating. When you hold your newborn in your arms and you see the littlize look up at you for the first time, you instantly know you give them anything they need a home to live in, food for their bellies, adderral for their s. A. T. S, because, folks, it has never been hard tore get into americas top colleges. This past spring, harvard and princeton posted recordlow acceptance rates with harvard admitting just 2,000 of the 34,000 applicants, a rate of 5. 9 . 5. 9 really . Because i calculated that myself, and its 2,000, 34, 000, like that, and i i got will be boobies. laughter . Now, no wonder worried parents spend thousands on s. A. T. Prep courses, math tudors, english tudors, mandarin lessons, not to pad the childs resume but so it can claw out the eyes of the competition. Good luck filling out your application now. Now, luckily, there is a much simpler way to give kids a leg up. And it brings us to tonights word cheers and applause Higher Learning nation, you can get the best tutor money can buy, but ultimately, theres always going to be one thing standing in the way of your kids potential. That obstacle your kid. Because after giving them every possible advantage, many parents fiend out their kid doesnt get into hafer or princeton. What are they supposed to do, have their kid packed off to some Technical School . Folks, thats why theres a growing trend of parents hiring tutor to do a little more than just toot. According to a rare bit of journalism in the new york post, there is a high demand for tudors who cheat for hire, like charles who netted 150,000 and a down payment on his new york city apartment after one mother demanded he complete every homework assignment, paper, and college ets essay fr 15yearold son, and hopefully two grand for punching up the kids mothers day card. The anonymous tudors ranged from a wellrespected doctor to an ivy leaguer with a graduate degree in biology which just goes to show if you study hard and get into a good school, you can have a rewarding career studying hard and getting into a good school. laughter . So it works. The kids get to go off to a good school, and the parents get something else. As one tudor observed, we have some mothers who feel like theyve never wanted anything so bad in their lives, than getting their kid into harvard. Its bragging rights. Yeah. You wouldnt believe the stunned reactions when you say, your kid got into harvard, especially from your kid because he didnt even know he applied. laughter . applause but will will your child succeed at the college someone else got him into . One student in the article flunked out after less than one year. Thats why when you send your kid to college, dont forget to pack his tudor. Hell do all the work while your child enjoys the true college experience. Now, naturally, after graduation, youll need to keep the tudor on the payroll to get your son through med school, followed,sh, by a residency in neurosurgery. But, folks, there is much more to life than not really working. Eventually, junior has to find the love of his life. Of course, no womans going to want your son. Hes a lazy dole. But the tudor, hes so smart and hard working, hell nab you the doirndaughterinlaw of your dreernlings and before you know it, youll want grandkids. Thats just another job for the tudor. You know, come to think of it, you might want to hire the tudor to be your childs mom and dad because if youve got him faking all your childs achievements, youre a pretty terrible parent. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause uae e e e iki cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you very much. How is everybody over there . You doing okay. All right, me, too, wooo folks, thank you so much. Sit down folking its the Holiday Season and while i enjoy getting presents and returning them for cash as much as the next guy i like to take a moment at this time of year to reflect on those less fortunate, and just jut because it makes me feel better by comparison. The congo. Anyway, folks, these days theres no one who deserves our pity more than pollsters. Just one month ago everyone was glued to their projections about the race between barack obama and. Shoot, whats his name . I want to say cake bunte. No, thats the name of my pet cake. Whatever. The point is, after the election, pollsters dont have jack squat to do. Thats why i admire the folks over the democraticleaning Public Policy poll who despite having nothing to ask were still willing to ask it in a really divisive way. In their first postelection National Poll published yesterday, they found that 49 of g. O. P. Voters nationally say they think acorn stole the election for president obama. That is truly shocking. Especially since acorn doesnt exist any more. It folded two years ago. Now,ppp thinks they made the republicans look like conspiracy nuts, but i say this just proves the conspiracy goes deep, so deep it doesnt even exist laughter and you know what else doesnt exist . Acorn. applause and whenppp asked about possible solutions to the looming fiscal cliff, they found 39 had a strong opinion about the simpsonbowles budget plan and 25 of respondents had a strong opinion on the panettaburns plan. Fun fact the Panetta Burns plan does not exist, either. But i say it disappoint mean its not the plan. Because i think we know the solution to the fiscal cliff that both republicans and democrats can agree on is nonexistent. laughter . So personally, i saluteppp for turning Statistical Analysis into an episode of jay walking. They are not the only politicos up there make things up. So is congress, where paranoid fantasy has long been eye key weapon in fighting the specter of accomplishiment. And there was another victory yesterday. The senate just now has managed to vote on something. They rejected a treaty to extend right to the blind and disabled, rights that have been the laws in the United States since 1990. The vote in the senate was bipartisan in support. They needed 66 votes, and it failed. Stephen its a christmas miracle no rights for disabled foreigners suck on that, piggy puddy tiny tim. You and the rest of the Great Britain crutch crowd can eat your goose on the stairs. But how do you defeat something with such broad bipartisan support . John mccain was for it. George h. W. Bush was for it. Even former republican president ial nominee and disabled world war ii veteran bob dole left his death bed in a wheelchair to show his support. And, remember, congress is technically a downgrade from death bed. laughter for a minute, it looked like both sides might come together to affirm a universally shared value, but coming to the rescue once again, dr. Rick santorums imaginaryium. There are some very, very troubling provisions that could open up pandoras box that could directly affect many families in america. Imagine the situation if now the state, those who are not the parents of these children, have the determination as to what is in the best interest of the child. Stephen thats right. Reaffirming protections to the disabled equals the u. N. Coming between you and your child. Its hard enough for parents to get the kids to listen now. Just wait until everything you say has to go through those translator headsets. laughter . Now, now, sure the idea that an International Treaty for the disabled would give the u. N. Rights to take your kid away sounds farred fetched, butun what else sounds farfetched . Anyone listening to rick santorum, and yet, here we are applause besides, besides i believe america has already proven its commitment to accessibility for the disabled because without the americans with disabilities act, bob dole would never have been able to park close to the capitol, ride up in an elevator, and roll down a ramp to see his dying wish crushed in person. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is an actor who does much of his work in a performance capture suit, except casualed from when he wears his capture shorteds please welcome captain circus. You shall pass cheers and applause stephen wow, wow. Is this really you . Or is it you doing a dazzling performance of yourself . Im not here. Im a digital incarnation of a guy back at home in london. Stephen really. Yeah. Stephen really. The technology is incredible. Its amazing. Stephen the 3d pops. At 48 frames a second, no less. Stephen people havent seen that yet. I have seen that. Its amazing. Its youre so in the world, its like youre watching the movie through a window. Youre a witness to the movie in some ways. Youre almost back out the other side and watching it from the back. laughter . Stephen i dont know enough about movies to know what the bleep you just said. But i trust you. Youre the genius. Youre the godfather of. Soul . Stephen you could probably play james brown. Youre the premiere performance capture artist. Whats the difference between performance capture and motion capture . Performance capture is the later iteration if you like. You may use that word. Motion capture is basically what you used back in the day with video games where you have a martial artist. Stephen pingpong becauses. Performance capture is basically capturing the entire performance in one hit. We can be doing a scene hereby the live action camera is filming you, and a headmounted camera captures the entire performance in one hit. You dont have to go back and repeat anything. Its just another way of recording an actors performance. Stephen when we were in new zealand last year on set for the hobit, i went over mr. Jackson showed me a little cut of the film and we have a clip to show the audience. Its part of the riddle theme. I saw this with just you. And then i saw it, and its all you. I saw it is not all me. Stephen it is, its all you. Its extraordinary. Jim, show him what im talking about. What is it . My name is billbo bagins. What is that . Im a hobit. Oh we like hobits. So soft. Is it juicy . Now, now ill do this if i have to. I dont want any trouble. Do you understand . Just show me the way to get out of here, and ill be on my way. I want to get unlocked as fast as possible. Shut up i didnt say anything. I wasnt talking to you. laughter . applause stephen maybe maybe a better gollum than lord of the rings. Hes a lot hotter basically this time around. Stephen hes younger. Hes 60 years younger and looks stephen how old is he . 540. Stephen you can really see it around the eyes. laughter . Was it was it hard to do gollum again . How long between performances was it . We started shooting lord of the rings in 1999, finished in 2003. Its a good nine, 10 years 10 years. Well, what was weird about it, coming back to you it, there had been so many impersonations for gollum. On a daily basis people come up and do their gollum for me. I have one. Stephen im gollum, see. I run this town. Stick em up. Can i give you a few tips . Stephen sure. First of all, you have to do this. Just imagine, just imagine that youre coughing up a fur ball. Youre a cat coughing up a fur ball, okay . Yeah. Okay. Now youve got to trap your voice while youre doing that. Yup. And now say gollum. applause . cheers stephen i sound a little bit like donald duck. Okay, so how do you get tbak into it . Did you actually go watch yourself as gollum to be gollum . No, no. I didnt do that. I dont like watching myself. But actually, what was great was martin freeman. It was the first thing shot on the movie. Stephen really . That scene was the very, very first scene shot in principal photography. We did it all in one hit. It was like a theater piece, really. Stephen really, like multiple cameras . Basically over the course of the week we did that scene all the way through, all the way through, and may or may not was finding his way stephen thats the very first thing he did as the character. We just played off each glurg were like his guy. Exactly, exactly. Stephen how long because, you know, you were caesar in rise of the planet of the apes. You were king kong. How long before you are just everybody in a movie . laughter like both sides of a Love Interest and we just watch you make love to yourself. That plan. That is the plan. Im actually working towards that. Thats something i really, really want to do. Stephen thank you so much for joining me, andy. Andy circus, the hobit. Well be riri cheers and applause . Stephen well thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart cheers and applause jon