Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130130

But when i look again hes still hating on me [eagle caw] stephen tonight, obama fights Climate Change even though change was his campaign slogan. Flip flop [ laughter ] then, tensions rise in north korea. Not above 55, but you know [ laughter ] and my guest, michael shellenberger, is an environmentalist who believes in Nuclear Energy. Finally, liberals that glow in the dark. [ laughter ] axe body spray has announced a contest that will send the winner to space. Still not far enough to get away from the smell. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report. [the colbert report theme music playing] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [cheers and applause] welcome boom boom woo [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] stephen yes yes yes [cheers and applause] absolutely. Welcome. [cheers and applause] yes, please. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome back. Please. Ladies and gentlemen, those bastards have had a free ride long enough. It ends tonight. Nation, president obamas second term is only a week old, and already we are one week closer to dying. Welcome to obamacare. [ laughter ] and the president is dropping the ball on homeland security. The tsa is removing the body scanners that produce a naked image of the passengers bodies. You remember those . Theyre being removed bc the company that manufactures them couldnt meet a deadline to install the privacy software. Theyre going to be replaced with other scanners that produce a generic outline of the passengers body. Stephen a generic outline of the body . [ laughter ] how can i legally show the tsa my penis now . [ laughter ] i used to write them little messages in leadbased paint. [ laughter ] like good morning or all evidence to the contrary, i do not wish to have a kosher meal. [ laughter ] or on a particular chilly day, hi. [ laughter ] the tsas just caving to pressure because the scanners were criticized for being too invasive. Oh, please what is invasive about a technology called, and i think im pronouncing this correctly rapeiscan . [ laughter ] this is a mistake, nation. Now, well never complete our National Database of radical islamic naughty parts. [ laughter ] wed already established a profile, young and leaning to the right. [ laughter ] plus, it was a deterrent. Terrorists are known for their modesty. Thats why Khalid Sheikh muhammad was wearing a tshirt over that sweater. [ laughter ] fashion fans here. Laugh the worst part is, without these scanners, i have no reason to laugh stay in shape any more. [ laughter ] sure, exercise will make me look better, feel better, be more attractive, but if a Government Employee getting paid ten bucks an hour doesnt see how ive shaved inches off my muffin top, why even fly anymore . [ laughter ] i might as well take the bus, where you dont need some fancy scanner to flash people your junk. [ laughter ] now, folks, my guest tonight a man named michael shellenberger. He is an environmental strategist who believes that we need new thinking when it comes to the battle against Global Warming. I agree. My old thinking was what Global Warming . [ laughter ] now, i began to believe in Global Warming after al gores movie made money. [ laughter ] the market had spoken. Its the same reason i believe our children are fighting to the death in capitol city. [ laughter ] and the evidence is growing. Look no further than australia, which was just simultaneously battered by typhoons, wildfires, and record heat. And thats in january. Imagine what its like there in the summer. [ laughter ] but ladies and gentlemen [ laughter ] australia didnt take this lying down. They struck back with new technologies. We know Global Warming has created such extreme weather in australia, the countrys bureau of meteorology has added two new colors to the countrys weather maps, an incandescent purple and magenta, so the maps can faithfully represent temperatures like 125 degrees fahrenheit. Stephen yes, new map colors. I believe the temperature color wheel goes orange, red, purple, magenta, fever blister, and satans taint. [ laughter ] but whats really disturbing about this continent on fire is that its got people wanting to do something about Global Warming. And that brings us to tonights word. [cheers and applause] the new abnormal. Last week, president obama cynically used the inaugural address to push his radical prosurvival agenda. We will respond to the threat of Climate Change. The path towards Sustainable Energy sources will be long and sometimes difficult, but america cannot resist this transition. Stephen i didnt think this part of his speech would get any traction. Its like if jfk announced the Apollo Program but half the country denied the moon exists. [ laughter ] but i was shocked when i saw a new poll that found 78 of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22 burst into flames [ laughter ] even koch brothersfunded believe that india is out there scrubbing their coal to make it nice and clean . I dont think you can do much about it unless you want to deindustrialize china and india and all these developing countries. What can you do about it . [ laughter ] stephen thanks, for literally nothing, guys. [ laughter ] but as little as that attitude helps, perhaps no one offers more nothing than cnn conservative commentator and inertial lump Erick Erickson. [ laughter ] really the biggest problem is, what does it matter . We could shut down production of everything tomorrow that causes Greenhouse Gases and china and india arent. And even if everyone did, the effects wouldnt take effect til a hundred years from now. Stephen yeah, whats the point of going to all that trouble, if me and Erick Erickson wont be around to enjoy it . [ laughter ] sure, our grandkids will, but i dont want to be one of those grandpas who spoils his grandkids with a habitable planet. [ laughter ] its the same reason i wont buy life insurance. I get hit by a bus and my family gets rich . Sorry, but i dont want anybody happy at my funeral. [ laughter ] but that wasnt ericksons only nonsolution. He dug down deep and helped even less. It seems like its a problem we probably have to get used to as opposed to something we can cure. Stephen yes, we just need to get used to it. Erickson has finally hit the fifth stage of conservative Climate Change grief denial, denial, denial, denial, and acceptance. [ laughter ] now, sure, america beat tojo; we crushed hitler; we put a man on the moon, but incrementally reducing co2 emissions . That sounds like work. [ laughter ] how can we fight an enemy we cant even see . get out of here get out of here did i hit it . I dont know. [ laughter ] so, its high time we stop trying to solve the problem and resign ourselves to each day getting worse. [ laughter ] because when Erick Erickson says, get used it, he means cityswallowing storms, mass extinctions, deadly heatwaves, crippling floods, and droughts that make a desert out of oklahoma. [ laughter ] thats just how it is now. Our problems are just too big to cure. So join me and erick. Give up, crawl into bed with a cheesecake and wait for death. [ laughter ] now sure, the only thing worse than Global Warming itself might be knowing youre destroying the planet and doing nothing, but if guys like erick have their way, you better get used to it. [ laughter ] and thats the word. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. [cheers and applause] folks, you know, there are enemies of this country who would like to see the us destroyed, and it is my job to worry about them at you. [ laughter ] so its time for another edition of axis of evil of the week. Now, im on record as antinorth korea. That record . Pyongyank me. Songs in the key of rage. [ laughter ] now, folks, the korean war was one of americas longest conflicts if i remember my history, our troops were stuck there for 11 zany, yet thoughtprovoking years. [ laughter ] well this time, north korea has finally gone too far. Bold new threats from north korea aimed directly at the United States. The communist nation says it plans to carry out a nuclear test and more longrange rocket launches. State media made the announcement that north korea was locked in an allout war of confrontation with its arch enemy, the United States. Its archenemy, the United States. Stephen whoa, archenemies . Folks, this is a serious increase in hostilities and i cannot sit idly by while they make these threats. So i want to Say Something right now to north korea. Heeeeey. [ laughter ] heeeeey. [ laughter ] democratic peoples republic of korea. We need to talk. [ laughter ] look, uhh, were flattered that you think of us as archenemies, but thats kind of taking our relationship to a whole other level. Kind of a big commitment and im not sure were ready for that. [ laughter ] i mean we just got out of a 50year archenemy thing with the soviets and that was really special. [ laughter ] youre lucky if you hate somebody like that once in a lifetime. [ laughter ] and since then we thought wed play the field. Tried to have some quickies with iraq and afghanistan, but its just dragging on. The taliban will not stop calling us. Dont get me wrong, youre terrible and we hate you. [ laughter ] but archenemies . Why would you want to take a chance and ruin what we already have . Right now were foes with benefits and thats great. You launch some rockets, we impose some sanctions, and theres no pressure to stay over at each others countries. Whraf laugh. [ laughter ] honestly, north korea, can i just Say Something to you nemesis to nemesis . Have you thought about looking thought about that neighbor of yours, south korea . You two have so much in common. Theres a history there. And i know for a fact that they really, really dont like you. [ laughter ] maybe the one youre supposed to hate has been right under your Demilitarized Zone this whole time. [ laughter ] i guess what im trying to say is we loathe you; were just not in loathe with you. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] so lets just keep our wrath platonic. We can still rattle each others swords, but until these feelings blow over, dont threaten us, well threaten you. [ laughter ] well be right back. [cheers and applause] stephen my guest tonight believes that environmentalists should consider nuclear power. Ill see if i can make him meltdown. Please welcome michael shellenberger. [cheers and applause] thanks so much for coming on. Thanks for having me. Stephen i know you are an environmentalist because you are not wearing a tie. Yes. Stephen but you are radical because you are very well coifferd. Thank you. Stephen you are president and cofounder of Breakthrough Institute coauthor of the book breakthrough which made a splash a couple years ago and a new ebook. What is your new idea for saving the environment . The big idea is we spent 20 years on Global Warming trying to make fossil fuels more expensive. That didnt work. Theres an important shift that needs to be made to making clean energy safe. Stephen what is your idea clean coal . All the technologies. Stephen clean coax you are on board. If they can figure out a way to cheaply capt tiewrt coal it needs to be put on the list. Stephen clean cool. That takes care of all of it. You are not like a tree hugger kind of guy, right . I am sort of a tree hugger. Stephen you are . They dont hug you back. Its a oneway relationship. Most people what they care about is, you know, things on the economy and jobs. I think we say look, we all care about the same things. We want the same things from energy, we want it to be cheap, reliable and increasingly clean. Thats what weve gotten over the centuries. Weve gone from wood to coal, coal to gas and renewables. Its done through technology innovations. Its something americans are good at. Stephen so you are on board for the nukes . Yeah, like a lot of people i was really in love with small is beautiful with solar panels on my roof and electric car in the driveway and wind farms and a number of our friends pointed out to us look the sun doesnt always shine, the wind doesnt always blow and the world will consume twice as much energy by 2050 as it does today. We need a lot of innovation to make clean energy a lot cheaper. Stephen why not conservation . You are saying were if the going to use more energy. I love using energy, dont get me wrong. I turn on a light in a room in my house it stays burning until i go to bed. I want it to be there when i leave like its my friend waiting for me. When the lights are out the house feels sad. The economy is more efficient at using energy over time but we find new uses for energy. But conassumption is going up. Most think well double as much by 2050 as china, and indian and brazil get higher Living Standards like the United States and europe. If you want to avoid Dangerous Levels of Climate Change and clean air you need more clean energy and most of it has to be from clean sources steencht you dont feel like the old jimmy carter wearing a sweater lets all make our clothing out of hemp environmentalist to me. What is different about you breakthrough guys . I think this is the central issue its about embracing technology. Thats why we wrote the book called love your monsters. We should treat our technologies like our children begun our creations. When they fail us, when they disappoint us you dont abandon them, you improve them. Make them better. Stephen you say like franken styne. Exactly. One of essays is we misunderstood franken styne. The lesson is not to create new technologies or life even the lesson is we should never abanden our creations. Dr. Franken styne saw the creation, it wasnt like he expected it and he abandoned it. Thats what turned his creature into a monster. Stephen thats what Nuclear Energy became for us in the 70s. Three mile island we abandoned it even though it needed love, even though it had thrown that girl in the lake. [ laughter ] the technology we used to Power Nuclear submarines it was the wrong technology. Theres much better. Stephen what kind of technology . Liquid metal, fuels, other fuels. Stephen soriium. I see that online all the time. Theres a half dozen technologies we havent done enough to push. In 1994 congress cut an important experimental program. It got confused with Nuclear Weapons. Country dont pursue Nuclear Weapons because they have stephen you believe iran is not pursuing Nuclear Weapons. New york city they are. We know that. Stephen you just said they are not. You are not wearing a tie and a beard. Are you iranian. Iran wants a nuclear weapon. Theres 33 countries in the world well Nuclear Energy and the capability to wild a bomb and they dont want it. Stephen you are in a film in the Sundance Fest val called pandoras promise. You come out as proNuclear Energy. Thats liberal heaven. Bob redford started the Sundance Festival. Can you say pronuke around him. Legally redford could hunt you for sport. [ laughter ] you are ostracized for saying things like we might have to embrace coal, natural gas, fracking . And nukes. You are my kind of liberal. Good luck get us to love franken styne. Thanks, stephen. X,yy5n x,x