Thats our show. Thank you very much for watching. I want to thank our Live Audience here tonight as well who likes a joke but werent so sure about a weiner joke. Im working with a high level of audience. Please join us tomorrow tomorrow night. Here it is, your moment of zen. Anthony weiner, carlos danger will withdraw from the mayoral election. Farewell, carlos. Hes a goner. Bye, captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org stephen tonight a new way to stop obamacare. Instead of calling them death panels, how about murder councils . Then a new victory for gun rights. I wonder what i should shoot in the air to celebrate. Plus my guest rock folkers the lumineers are here because of the rerelease of their first album although if you ask me their earlier stuff is much better. China is launching a 24hour pandacam. Oh, i cant wait to see those majestic creatures assemble an ipad. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [ cheers and applause ] stephen welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Thanks. Stephen, stephen, stephen tephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Nation, nation, i hope youre ready because you have to lock your lungs and batten down your colon because obamacare is coming. The individual mandate takes effect on new years day which means when the times square ball drops, it will immediately be checked for lumps. Worse, folks, worse, this bloated bureaucratic program that will never work has started working. The department of health and Human Services announced in 11 states and washington d. C. Premiums in the Health Care Marketplace required by obama care are turning out to be nearly 20 lower than projected for 2014. Stephen maybe so. But youre not going to live any longer because lets face it, most americans are going to blow those savings on cronuts. And the death sentence, and obamacare is being implemented despite the best efforts of House Republicans who have voted to symbolically repeal it 39 times. I dont know why its not working. Maybe they need to load more emptiness into their gestures. I dont know now the key to implementing obamacare is the socalled individual mandate because to keep premium costs down Officials Say they must register 2. 7 million Healthy People between the ages of 18 and 35 in order to counteract the costs of ensuring seniors and people with health problems. Dont fall for it, young people. You dont need insurance. Youre going to be young and healthy forever. I mean, just look at me. Im 19 look at this awesome skateboard move. That is called popping a yolo. Now fortunately, the godfather of the Tea Party Movement freedomworks recently announced a burn your obama care card campaign. Thats right, young ones. Protest this government overreach by lighting your insurance card on fire. But be careful because if you burn yourself you dont have health insurance. Theres only one small problem with this burn your obamacare card plan. There are no such things as obamacare cards. But freedomworks isnt letting a little thing like not existing get in its way as their Vice President of Public Policy dean clancy explained. Freedom works is going to design the obamacare card ourselves. We are going to put that online and share it with people in the hopes that they will burn it, tear it up, mark on it. Stephen yes. Burn it. Tear it. Mark it. But first print it, cut it and laminate it. Freedomworks is opening up a whole new world of fighting sim symbols of injustice that dont exist. They should refnt a bus, order themselves to sit at the back of the bus and then refuse to sit at the back of their own bus. Power. The point is burning things is always an attention getter. And freedomworks special Events Manager emilia hunekeberquist explained why burning this card was so natural. Back in the day, just the Selective Service act decided that each and every male in the u. S. Is going to need to carry a draft card. And as the vietnam war got are really heated up in 65, 65 citizens everywhere decided to burn their cards in protest of the actions Big Government was taking. And so here we are about 50 years later, were facing a new kind of government mandate under obamacare and so weve decided that were going to torch our own cards. Stephen people forget that about the vietnam war. Those hippies were just fiscal conservatives protesting a Big Government program. I dont want to see a whole generation forced to fight infection in some nearby county hospital only to come home in one piece with something to live for. I mean, keep on trucking. Well i say if these young people truly want to resist obamacare they need to do what vietnam protestors did in the 60s and move to canada. Bonus i hear they have a Great Health Care system up there that doesnt cost that much. Nation, if you watch this show, you know i dont mince words. I have a little guatemalan woman who minces them for me. This is tip of the hat, wall of the finger. [ cheers and applause ] folks, ever since the tragic events in benghazi last year weve been trying to gather all the facts but there are two things we know one, Hillary Clinton is completely to blame. And two, barack obama is completely to blame. Unfortunately it is one of those stories we havent heard much about lately because it hasnt passed through a royal birth canal or taken a picture of its own penis. But one man out there is fighting to bring bengs ay back into the news which is why im giving a tip of the hat to texas republican congressman and realtor you found on a bench ad, steve stockman. Jim . New push for answers on benghazi in a big way on the hill. Some republican lawmakers breaking ranks demanding a special investigation. We are live on the steps of the capitol for a rally being held by special operation vets as they unroll what theyre calling, quote, the largest ever petition to congress. Literally, a 60foot long scroll of veteran signatures who want this investigation to happen. Stephen thats right. A 60foot long petition. To put that in perspective, if you took 60 subway foot longs and lined them up on the steps of the Capitol Building somebody would definitely start a petition to get those sandwiches out of there. Theyre going to draw rats. Of course, you may be wondering how many names can you fit on a 60foot scroll . Quarter of a million . 900,000 . Well, prepare yourself, nation, because representative stockmans petition has one point 1 thousand signatures on it. It was 999 normalsized signatures and one person who likes to dot her is with two million tiny hearts. Nation, id like to show my support for Steve Stockmans bold empty gesture with a bold empty gesture of my own which is why im taking a 65foot petition to congress. Not only is it five feet longer than congressman stockmans. Its also two ply. Okay. You know folks . Through the stairs im going to cover the entire Capitol Building with my petition. If it rains theyll never get it off. Next up folks we all know pornography is a problem all over the world. Thats why im giving a big tip of my hat to british Prime MinisterDavid Cameron for finally doing something about it. David cameron cracking down on internet pornography today rolling out a plan that would add adult content filters on everything from computers to smartphones to public wifi networks. Stephen yes, now it will be impossible for british youth to see pornography unless they can somehow gain access to page 3 of the sun. And its not just picture and video, folks. The Prime Minister is also planning to censor key search terms making it a lot harder to google the phrase making it a lot harder. But british Internet Users who want their meat and two veg can still see it because users will be able to opt out of the setting by request. Thats right. You english can still enjoy your britrotica. All you have to do is ask for it. Please, sir. I want some deep male voice porn. What . I want some stephens voice porn [ cheers and applause ] stephen finally, as a proud son of south carolina, folks, i rarely have kind words for those barbarians to the north. I mean, who makes Barbecue Sauce with vinegar . Thats what you use to clean a toilet. When i say toilet, i mean charlotte. But on the plus side, their republicancontrolled state legislature is turning North Carolina into a conservative shangrila proposing for passing bills that would make couples wait two years to divorce, declare an official state religion and remove the requirement that Charter School teachers have a college degree. Great move. I mean, who better to teach fifth grade than a 6th grader. Its still fresh in his mind. Not to mention an indecency bill that would make it a felony to expose a nipple for the purposes of arousal. So, North Carolina strippers, be sure to add a sign on your chest that reads for educational purposes only. Well, folks, all those bills were just foreplay, which i believe is also illegal in North Carolina. Because im giving a tip of my hat to the North Carolina legislature for my favorite resolution yet. House bill 937 approved tuesday by the house and senate allows concealed handgun permit holders to bring their weapons to bars and restaurants that serve alcohol. Concealed weapons holders will also be allowed to carry their guns on green ways, playgrounds and other Public Recreation areas stephen thats right. Now you can bring guns to playgrounds and, folks, we need them because the monkey bars are well known al qaeda training grounds. Plus guns will make the whole playground experience much more fun. Instead of duck, duck, goose, you can just play duck, duck, duck and guns will mean much less work for busy parents who are tired of pushing their kids on the swings, as you can see in this colbert report exclusive graphic simulation. Well be right back. E ti 5t4m 0jfp4 flf÷8880 welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight are an indy folk band best known for their song ho, hey. Not to be confused with a song by elliott spitzer, hey, ho. Please welcome to lumineers. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you. Nice to see you. Here we go. We have wesley shultz. We have Neyla Pekarek and jonathan fraites. Close, Jeremiah Fraites stephen how can you forget a name like that . You sound like the main character from a steinbach novel. The man who is walking all the way across the country to tells the woman he loves her but he dies of cholera. You guys, you two are from new jersey. That true . Yeah stephen where are you from . Diswroo Denver Stephen youre the one who drew them out to denver because you guys were in brooklyn and then you went to denver from brooklyn. Was there not enough pot in brooklyn . You actually had to go to denver where its legal. Not so much for the vegetation selection there. It was more about cheaper rent to be honest. We just wanted eliminate more distractions Stephen Billings montana even cheaper than denver. What drew you to denver. A couple of friends moving into a house. They had enough room for us to have a practice base and live there. It was half the amount i was spending in brooklyn. I think it was basically a financial reason to move. Just to have more time to play the music stephen your first album sold a million copies, right . I can move back there now. Stephen why not . I know folk singer language. Yeah. I mean we could. I like denver though. Stephen theres no reason not to. No reason not to. Your family must be very happy. Definitely. Were never home anymore. No, we travel a lot. I think as amuse i cannian you have to spend a lot of it away from home. Theyre probably upset with it. In the middle of a tour she got offered a teaching position stephen what kind of teaching. I got my degree in music education. I got offered to be a middle school band teacher. Stephen you should definitely do it. Those kids will be so. Can you imagine . Or at least substitute teach. Wouldnt that be great . It was a perfect job to have while we toured. I could work as many days as i wanted in the school year. We had a living room from march two years ago. Stephen what . In the living room. Is is that right . Stephen oh, here. You had a residency in someones living room. Thats super folk owe. I got my internship in someones broom closet. Stephen why do you stomp and clap so much because you do. You do. Hey. Is that always under your control . It just comes out of me. We used to play living rooms like we were just actual living rooms. Stephen that wasnt that far off the mark. Yeah. There was no microphones so because of that, you had to make a lot of noise to get someones attention so that they would stop. Stephen they knew you were there, right . Get that dudes attention over there. With a song like ho hey its more musical. If you drove 14 hours from l. A. Up to portland and you have 35 minutes to make your mark and youre losing hundreds of dollars in gas and sort of your lastditch effort, we would go into the audience and set up tables and we would scream ho hey at people stephen stomping your feet was really as much of as a tantrum as anything else. Would you stomp and clap for us. Sure. Tephen all right. Thank you very much. Thanks for having us. [ cheers and applause ] stephen well be right back with a performance by the brown on my third day as principal, i met with the state. Students had fallen behind, and morale was low. My first job was getting everyone to believe. That we could turn this around. I needed my staff to see what was possible. Turning around a school, is not some, mystical, magical thing. It does take hard, dedicated work each day. I was a chemistry major in college, and then. I joined teach for america. Thats the reason im here. Here to perform a song off the reissue of their album, the lumineers. Ladies and gentlemen, the lumineers. [ cheers and applause ] stephen the lumineers. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] . c . cwooooo . O . o . Oooscwnwvccio euu r hsq q ,xx [ cheers and applause ] stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [heartbeat thumping] [applause] were rolling. Rolling what . What are we were shooting this . Dude, we just shot that . Why wouldnt you say, action . Leslie, tim, one of yall got to say, action. Im sitting there looking stupid. Thats not the look im going for. Come on, this is the start of my movie. Im trying to give off pain and laughter, laugh at my pain. Laughter and pain. Thats what im going for. Thats why were doing this shot. Just start the movie. [heartbeat thumping] this tours been unbelievable. Were 90 cities deep right now, and each show has been a success. Were now in our last city of los angeles. Lets end it with a bang. Were looking at 15,000 people tonight. Put smiles on those peoples faces. Give everybody the strength and ability to do what they do best, and thats make people laugh. Everybody want to be famous [together] nobody want to put the work in. Everybody want to be famous [together] but nobody want to put the work in. Everybody want to be famous [together] nobody want to put the work in. Ill say it one more time everybody want to be famous [together] but nobody want to put the work in. Lets go, yall. Lets go, yall. [heartbeat thumping] [faint cheering] everybody stand up. [hiphop music] [crowd roaring] [hiphop music] im so sick, im so ill go ahead and tell your mama [crowd roaring] [thumping hiphop] [cheers and applause]