Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130810

Before you found those girls unattractive. Ladies now its your turn to think of guys yo thinks you dont guys to say. I cant think of any im too busy working to pay for kwr u yr [beep]. 30 more captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen yes, welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Please. cheers and applause stephen thank you so much. Thank you, with a greeting like that, i could do this all night or at least twice. Of laugh nation, america is losing the battle against mary jane. This year New Hampshire and illinois legalized medical marijuana bringing the to 20 the number of states where your pharmacist will soon look like this. laughter the dude prescribes. laughter and folks, the war on nugs used to have a strong ally on cnns dr. Sanjay gupta who opposed legalizing pot until now. I want to remind you that in 2009 you wrote a Time Magazine article entitled why i would vote no on pot. You changed your mind. I have. And as part of, you know, my thinking, the reason, i have apologized for some of the earlier reporting because i think, you know, weve been terribly and systemically mislead in this country for some time. And i did part of that misleading. Stephen wait a second, we were misinformed by a cable news doctor . laughter next youll tell me i cant get directions to my cousins house from Fareed Zakarias gps. Come on fareed, less on syria, more on how i get to where greg lives. laughter its bad enough that is an jay gupta or as i now call him ganja soupta, okay laughter a global, global teen icon has gone over to the dank side. Its even more disturbing, folks, about s sanjay feeling those gupt vibrations is we have all seen what happens when he gets the munchies. This is stud bull penis, this deer penis, these are lamb testicles, russian dog penis. I wanted to order some tiger penis. Can i order that here . Stephen really . Is that really who you want to burn down with, america . laughter yeah, sure, you thought it was funny when your friend said dude, lets get the dog high. But how funny will it be when he says dude, lets eat the dogs penis. Now who are the kids going to look up to at cnn . Wolf blitzer, youre our only hope. But at least, folks, there are some celebrities we can still look up to thanks to stories like this. John malkovich usually not cast as a hero but is being credited with helping safe a man, real life. The acker helped a 77yearold man who tripped on the sidewalk and then slashed his throat on some scaffolding. Widnesses say that malkovich ran over, applied pressure to the mans neck and waited for an ambulance. Stephen truly heroic. And it is malkovich so probably a little creepy. And he is not hollywoods only hero. There was no special effects. It was the real thing when actor ryan gosling clutched a woman from the path of a speeding taxist when a 17yearold flipped his mustang t was Patrick Dempsey to the rescue prying the boy out. Does tin hoffman the latest hollywood actor to turn hero. Reporting hoffman saved a joggers life in londons hyde park. She was the one in distress, but when billionaire Richard Bransons caribbean estate went up in flames last summer t was winslet to the rescue, visiting she swooped up his 90yearold mother and carried her to safety. Im so glad bransons mom got out. He would have carried her himself but his back was occupied. laughter now folks with all these super star saviours im starting to think that people are putting themselves in danger just to meet celebrities. And i want in. Now endangering my own life seems like the easiest way to do it. That is just the simplest solution is usually to slice your vein open with a razor and hope to get carried to the hospital by hugh jackman. I love you wolverine. applause so i got to say w that in mind coy sure go for some soda pop. I will be right back, folks. Excuse me, right back, right back. Help, help, somebody famous. Dont worry, boss, ill get you out. Jay what are you doing, youre not a celebrity. In world of war craft im a level 80 go away. Help. Stephen, Stephen Colbert . Matt damon, thank god youre here. Well, just walking by what happen toud, buddy, you okay. You mean other than the vending machine . No, no, i mean the vending machine. Then no, im not okay. Hang on, im going to get you out. This is so great. Ive always wantsed to be saved by a big star. Wow, somebody call 911. You are big, right . Yeah, however hollywoods measuring that this week. Well, its usually based on box office revenue, so what was your latest movie. Promiseland. Oh, the fracking movie. Yeah, i like i i heard good things. Im proud of it i cowrote it. Yeah, yeah. So what kind of business did it do. You should probably stop talk. Youre lossing a lot of blood, pal. That bad, huh . Hey, listen, it was a labor of love, all right. Its not like one of the bourne movies. Wow, and those bourne films were a few years ago now. What you have been doing lately . I will have you know that hbo is behind the candleabra with Michael Douglas received 15 emmy nominations. Including for me. But thats tv. Its not tv, its hbo. Matt, its tv. Im talking about, you know, wide release, major markets, cgi, you know, quality kill, movie. Okay, okay. I didnt come here to do this. But i do have a movie coming out this weekend, actually. Big summer movie called alysium. Oh, i saw that trailer. Thats a movie now. Yeah, directed by the same guy that did district 9, neil blo m. C. Am. Oh, i love district 9. Tell me about it. Basically a movie set in the future. About a, you know, earth has become a third world planet and all of the rich people have moved off on to this orbital hab i at that time called alysium and were all trying to get up there wince think we have a clip. Do we need to set this up. No, no, just roll it. Roll it, jimmy. Hello . Before we start i just would like to penal code 2219, 34 b. Yes, exactly what i wanted to talk to you about. I believe theres been a misunderstanding. Extension of parole by further 8 months. No, those, i request explain what happened. I just made a joke. And you know stop talking. Elevation and heart rate detect. Would you like a pill. No. Thank you. What i would like to do stop talking, personality adjusts 78. 3 transof chance of regression to old pattern, grand theft auto, a with a deadly rep, resisting arrest. Would you like to talk to a human. No, i am okay, thank you. Are you being sarcastic or abusive. Negative. Qheers plaus. Kind of dark for me but from what i could see looked really good. Thanks. Any funny stories from the set . Well, yeah, actually we shot in the worlds second largest garbage dump so we actually had one location that we nick named poo river. You can probably figure out why. Hey, stephen . Hey whats jodi foster like. Shes just awesome. Such a prompt ive been waiting my whole life to work with her, it was pretty exciting. Well, matt, the movie looks great, opening august 9th. I cant wait to go see it as soon as you get this vending machine off my internal organs. Oh, yeah, sorry. Im sorry, thats rude. Hold on i will take off. I got to hello, yup, no, its me i got wait what . Im on my way. I really have to go, jimmy kimmel got his head stuck in a mayonnaise jar. I got to go help him out. Im coming, jimmy. Matt, matt damon somebody call clooney. Somebody call brad pitt, tell them im friends with matt damon now. Well be right back. cheers and applause ¢2 s welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Folks, before i go on i want to thank hugh jackman for saving me during the commercial break. I just wish we had cameras rolling. Nation, theres no debate that Ronald Reagan was our greatest president. Its important to keep the reagan legacy alive. Thats why there are nearly 3,000 landmarks in the United States already named after the gipper. Including the Ronald Reagan building and International Trade center, the uss Ronald Reagan Nuclear Aircraft carrier, and the Ronald Reagan airport in washington, d. C. , a city named for our first president who i believe should be renamed the Ronald Reagan george washington. Now unfortunately there are still many knowns out there that are not preceded by its words Ronald Reagan but the memory of our best, greatest president might be getting bester and greatester thanks to california representative and definitely not a contract killer darell issa. Mr. Issa new bill without rename the waters off the coastal u. S. , pretty of all of those waters, actually, after mr. Reagan. This slice of the world right here includes the United States and its territories it. There in the dark green. And the areas in blue extending from 3 to 200 nautical miles offshore are called the exclusive Economic Zone. Darrell issa wants to rename them the Ronald Wilson reagan exclusive Economic Zone. Stephen folks, lets this makes perfect sense. Ive always known the ocean was conservative like the republican party, its full of great whites. And laughter i think it is also only fair dns cheers and applause weve got a republican crowd here tonight, all right. Back in 1983 it was the gipper himself who signed a proclamation declaring those waters the United States exclusive Economic Zone for exploring, exploiingt and conserving offshore resources and its been going great, especially the exploring and exploiting part. And im sure well get around to the conserving part later. Naturally the berlin wall huggers out there see the Ronald Wilson reagan Economic Zone as half empty. Like california democrat alan lowenthal. Were talking about 3. 4 million square miles of ocean. An area larger than the combined landmass of all 50 states. President reagans name already graces roads, schools, buildings and fields in 22 states and the district of columbia. Not to mention a major airport, and a nuclear poweredaircraft carrier. But naming the entire eec after anyone seems a bit much. Stephen oh so, we cant name part of the water after our greatest president but its okay to name all of it after 80s r b star billy ocean. laughter come on get out of my green and give me a break why is there this objection to naming a huge arbitrary portion of our Natural Resources after reagan . I say there is no place on earth too large or too arbitrary to honor the gippers legacy. S thiss why dont im proud to declare that the area between four and seven feet off the ground be Ronald Wilson reagan economic breathing zone. cheers and applause stephen right up there. This, folks, this is the storied swathe of american atmosphere within which ron add reagans very own mouth was often found. Sharing its lifelong dedication to the greatest oxygen in the world. Thats why hes fresh inside the Ronald Wilson reagan economic breathing zone is taken in honor of him. Thank you, mr. President. cheers and applause we honor you, ronnie. We miss you, sir. The great communicator. This one is for its gipper. Tear down this wall. He ate jelly beans. You know what . I am feeling a little woozy. I think i might sit down in the Walter Mondale dont stand up for america zone. And well be right back after this Ronald Reagan commercial break.  these are the hands a pediatrician. These are pioneering advances in heart surgery. And these are developing groundbreaking treatments for cancer. Theyre the hands of the nations top doctors. Kaiser permanente doctors. And though they are all different, they Work Together on a Single Mission saving lives. Discover how we are advancing medicine at kp. Org join us, and thrive. Welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight was an awardwinning author who has been described as a potic realist. I dont know if he was a realist he would have gone to law school. Please welcome colum mccann. cheers and applause good to see you. Thanks for coming on. Nice to meet you, youre the author of six novels. Thats right. Stephen your last one, lets see, was called let the great world spin and it nonthe National Book award. Why not stop there . You won literature. You won the book award. Why keep writing . You know, i was completely terrified after wing the National Book award because i thought what am i going to do next. And where am i going to go. But you know, if you win Something Like that you just want to go on and tell more stories. Stephen you almost sound like scarlet ohara just now. Yeah. Stephen where will i go, what will i do with. What will i do. Stephen well this is what you did. You wrote another book called transatlantic and its a novell, three stories of people crossing the atlantic to ireland. Thats correct. And back to america as well. Stephen an back to america. Okay. In america with this thing called this myth called the Great American novel, all right. What is the difference between the Great American novel and the great irish move snell. Oh, well i think they have already been written. The great irish novel was written by james joist, ulysses, you know, june you read it, you have read it. Stephen yeah, i have read it. It is a fun read. Stephen i look forward to understanding it. laughter its a beautiful novel. And how many Great American nofls have there been written. Stephen 50 shades. That was australian, i believe. Stephen he was. She was she was australian, yeah. Stephen thats interesting. Takes place in the United States. Stephen does it. Takes place in manhattan. So you trade. Stephen i lived it, what are you talking about, no, i have not read it, i have not read it. I have not read it. So do you see yourself as an irish author or american author because are you an american citizen. Im an american citizen and also an irish citizen. Stephen im sorry, what are you talking about. Pick a side, sir, pick a side. I belong to two countries. Stephen you do, okay, there an American Dream, do you think there is an irish dream. The irish dream was to come to america. Stephen congratulations. Yes. And its American Dream seems to be to get back there,. Everybody wants to go back because there is a real the irish identity is very strong in america. People are proud. Does that drive you crazy people who like show up in green on st. Patricks day with like a green beer and thats me running down 5th avenue. Stephen really, do you have your pants on. I do occasionally. I think you can celebrate it, there is a little bit of amateur day about st. Patricks day when they are out and about and running down third avenue and making a bit of fool of themselves. But part of it is okay, just go out and enjoy yourself rz. Stephen by amateur you mean they dont do it well. They dont do it well. Stephen they dont do well. All the amateur drinkers are out. They are sort of decorating the pavements in unusual ways. Stephen thats nice. No, i understand you write your books in a very interesting way. That you write it in a closet. Thats right. Stephen your office is a tiny little thing qlchlt so tiny . You know, i was building a desk about a year and a half ago with a friend of mine, a carpenter, george. And i was building the desk around a cupboard and i said just build the desk into the cupboard and then i noticed that it was a Perfect Place to sit. So ive been in 9 closet now for the past year and a half. And it is quite a fine place to be to be in the closet. My wife knows this an my kids know this. Stephen thats very understanding of them. Yeah. Stephen now you said that you really found the power, found the ability to find the stories you wanted to after you came to the United States. Thats right. Stephen what is it, come together United States, you just came here, you rode your bike around the United States where did you go. I ended up in boston for a while ferning i was a taxi driver in hyannis for a while. I didnt even know how to get to anyplace. I just asked the people, i say where do you want to go they say 26 i will be delighted to take you there. Tell me how to get there. And so then. Stephen and they stayed in the car thns they stayed in the car and then i took a bicycle journey for 12,000 miles getting lost every single day. It was a beautiful thing. I went from boston to florida, across to texas, into new orleans, down into mexico, eventually finished up coming across the golden gate bridge. And with so many stories this is the thing. Everybody had a story to tell. This was the beautiful thing about america too. People were open and gracious and kind. I didnt sleep one single night in a hotel. I either camped out in a forest or by the river or people invited me into their homes. And it was just sort of fantastic. Stephen it is the accent you realize, it is disarming. Its a leprechaun what can possibly do to us. applause i know. Stephen well, colum mccann, thank you so much. Thank you. Stephen colum mccann, the book is transatlantic. Well be right back. Thank you. bb; cu;u u uzuzuzuzucucucuuuuzun w 7ae q q p]p]p]u ]a7aaa aaaaa captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central welcome to the daily show, my name is john oliver. Im still here for jon stewart who is spending the summer fulfilling the terms of his crazy uncles will by spending the whole time in a haunted house. He doesnt like ggg gosses. My jest a junior senator from the state of new york, kirsten guilt he brand will be with us. But first we start tonight with memories. Who remembers when the wall street bankers turned our Financial System into a free willing casino with a global crash in which our money disappeared. Do you remember . Yeah, yeah. I remember that too. Well, guess what . The chickens are finally coming home to roost. The department of justice announced today it is going after bank of america, doj says americas Second Largest Bank lied about the riskiness of 850 Million Dollars in shares of home loans that were sold to investors. Another big bank could be facing trouble from the federal government. Jpmorgan chase reports that a preliminary Justice Department investigation found the bank did indeed break the law while selling Residential Mortgage bonds from 2005 to 2007. Yes accountability. cheers and applause we got them, baby whooo accountability. Yes yes, sure, justice has been a Long Time Coming but that is just going to make it all the sweeter now. So lets start with bank of america. How many people are going to jail . And just for the sake of simplicity round it up to the nearest 100. This is a civil suit so no one is going to jail. laughter no one, really . Thats now im to the going to be needing these celebration doves i was going to release. laughter we didnt drill holes in the box hold on, hold on, no, theres a note to. To whomever finds us. I think it was a suicide. The lack of wall street accountability is complete bull [bleep]. We cant go on, love the doves. Come on. Is this im sorry, doves. Im sorry. Im disappointed too. Is this really any surprise, though. Every time regulator does go after wall street it always ends the same way. Part of a settlement jpmorgan did not admit or deny wrongdoing. Citibank denies any wrongdoing but says it was in the bangs best interest to settle. Ubs did not admit wrongdoing. Goldman sachs settled early without admitting wrongdoing. Settled. So it seems wall street regulation is really just like the middle east peace process. No one goes to jail and it all ends with a bunch of half assed settlements that seem to make everyone angry