Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130916

Captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org ready to go ready to go cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen audience chanting stephen . Thank you, ladies and gentlemen in here; out there; around the world, welcome to the report, everybody. cheers and applause nation, im sure im not the only one who thinks this, but i am worried about egypt. Those guys have got their heads up their spanx. laughter first mubarak was in, then mubarak was out. And morsi was in, now morsi is out and instead army general and george lopez of the desert Abdel Fattah Alsisi is in. And with tensions running high, folks, everyone is suspecting everyone else over there and i dont blame them because they all look kind of middle eastern. laughter but thankfully theres been an improvement in egypts security situation. For more we turn ktrt, houstons egypt news leader. In egypt, a stork was busted as a suspected spy. A citizen thought the bird was an undercover agent because it carried a suspicious electronic device. Stephen suspicious electronic device. Could it have been the new iphone 5s . laughter and i say that simply because i want a free one. laughter now, dont believe this stork is a spy . Some sources have reported that this agent was instead a swan which means this stork has a secret identity, a nom de plumage. laughter and this is not the first time the Animal Kingdom has got caught up in middle eastern espionage. As i reported previously, egypt accused israeli agents of being behind a local shark attack and laughter . Saudi arabia arrested a vulture on suspicion of spying for israel. laughter and they also arrested a rabbit for being one letter away from a rabbi. laughter cheers and applause well, whether he turns out to be a spy or not, i certainly hope egyptian officials interrogate this stork until it reveals where babies really come from. laughter vaginas, indeed laughter makes no sense. Well have more on this story because anything beats talking about syria. laughter next up, syria. laughter folks, it gives me no pleasure to say that barack obama has screwed this thing up. laughter turns out i was wrong. Gives me a great deal of pleasure but it shouldnt. Because this is brewing into a clear disaster the American People do not want. In the senate, 29 are against military action with 24 supporting a strike. In the house, 238 members are definite no or leaning no with only 26 in favor. Stephen 610 americans oppose this. The public is dead set against this. Stephen Congress Knows that the only thing less popular than attacking syria is congress. laughter so clearly Congress Must approve an attack on syria tell them why, t. V. Man. The president wants buyin, right . He may not get it. But if he does not get buyin on this, can you imagine another president ever going to congress with the same sort of request for use in the same sort of force . It sets a precedent for the presidency. I think he will get his way on this or the presidency will win because people will the next president will say im not going to go through that. Stephen yeah, i mean the constitution is such a hassle laughter i know theoretically there are checks and balances and stuff but if the president asks for war approval, congress has to say yes every time he asks no matter how the American People feel about it or else the president will stop asking and then congress will never have a chance to say no, which they must never do. laughter its like if your teenage son asks to borrow your car. If you say no this time, next time hell attack syria. laughter . cheers and applause kids laughter . Now faced with this constitutional crisis obama is getting desperate. Yesterday in a Rose Garden Press Conference he tried to draw attention with his syria plan with one of those floppy tube men. laughter though ive got to say, that guy has a firmer spine than john kerry. cheers and applause who this morning rallied support for the president with this stirring battle cry. Were not going to war. We will be able to hold Bashar Alassad accountable in a very limited, very targeted, very short term effort without assuming responsibility for syrias civil war. Unbelievably small limited kind of effort. Stephen so watch out, Bashar Alassad america is going to bring down the unbelievably small hammer. laughter but, to be clear, to be clear were not looking to affect the course of the nail. laughter and, folks, as bad as their sales pitch is, their timing is worse. Lets talk about the calendar now because while the president talks about syria and thats the number one thing on his mind, americans have this thing called their own life. For example, monday night football. audience reacts . Stephen yes. Americans are tired of violence in the middle east they want violence in the n. F. L. cheers and applause so obama has blown this whole thing. Ill tell you what he should have done he should have watched fox news to tell him what he should have done. Or who he should have been. Ronald reagan if he were president , wed get assad like that. He would. He would get assad. If president reagan had looked at assad and said dont you use gas or youre gonna pay a price and he did, reagan would have gone right in. I know that president reagan would have never let this happen. He would stand up to this. We have to think like president reagan would do and he would say chemical use is unacceptable. Stephen yes, we conservatives have an uncondition nee ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. laughter syrian conflict . Invade. Obamacare . Repeal. Soup or salad . Jelly beans. laughter thats why we know, we conservatives know the gipper would never stand for the use of chemical weapons today. Of course, in the 190s his administration ignored Chemical Attacks by Saddam Hussein that killed thousands of iranian troops and looked the other way when saddam gassed his own kurdish citizens, but, remember, thats the old reagan. laughter were talking about hypothetical contemporary superreagan. cheers and applause the man who never raised taxes or tripled the deficit and who knocked down the berlin wall using his nut sack as a wrecking ball. laughter and applause cheers and applause im not sure if thats pixelated. laughter true story, by the way. True story. You know what . As long as were playing fan fiction foreign policy, what if obama were reagan and assad was the joker . And instead of chemical weapons hes opening a jurassic park. Ooh, ooh, with the help of skeletor okay . And theyre going to take over the world, but not so fast because reagan has been bitten by a radioactive spider and now hes spiderreagan and skeletors like, yeah, im skeletor, see, yeah . I run the middle east, see . And spiderreagan goes pew, pew, pew. Mr. Skeletor, tear down your face and hes like im dead, see . And everybodys safe and my mom lets us stay up light to watch night rider. I love you, spiderreagan. cheers and applause why cant obama do that . laughter well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. Folks, im like an umpire calling balls and strikes and if you disagree with me i will strike your balls. laughter this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. cheers and applause folks, anybody that knows me knows i believe in the second amendment. I mean, if its not real then who left me those guns on Christmas Morning . laughter sadly, there are some who are denied the joy of packing heat, but the good corn packers of iowa are doing something about it. I i in iowa, the Des Moines Register is reporting that state issues permits to carry firearms in public to people who are blind. A spokeswoman for a group called disability rights iowa told the newspaper that denying the blind gun permits would violate the americans with disabilities act. Stephen look, this is plain and simple. If youre against blind americans wielding Deadly Weapons in public then you hate the disabled. Youre a monster. I bet youre also against baby animals and starving children having guns as well. laughter but, folks, since im Stephen Colbert friend to the blind i am. cheers and applause they are why i do this radio show every night. laughter i want to give a tip of the hat to iowa. Its high time the blind had guns. They work way better for navigating the streets than those guide canes. Because if youre waving a gun around, believe me, a path will clear. laughter now, folks cheers and applause folks, i hear you. You might ask stephen, why can the blind be denied a drivers license but not a gun permit . Well, greg, thats because gun ownership is considered a constitutional right while driving is considered a privilege. Which means if the blind want to drive, they should gate tank. laughter because, according according to altoona blind man michael barber, when you shoot a gun you take it out and point and shoot and i dont necessarily think eyesight is necessary. laughter true. Though he did give that interview to a potted fern. laughter and, unlike the skeptics out there, i trust the blind im sure theyll use their guns responsibly and get themselves a shooting eye dog. laughter to bark at danger and, of course, a spare dog for when they shoot the first one. laughter next up on thedubs, summer is over and like most americans i had my share of hot dogs and cold beer. Thats why id like to issue a tip of my hat to bigger pants. laughter folks, dont mean giant clown pants, i mean audience chanting stephen s that are one sized larger than the ones im used to wearing. See, i just grabbed the first pair of pants in the closet this morning and theyre bigger. Let me tell you, folks, im loving it. laughter theyre roomy, breezy, nothing is sweating and it feels like i lost weight but i didnt. laughter you heard it hear first, folks, bigger pants, making a difference. Finally, ive always been a huge fan of the bodys exhibit. It answers the ageold question what would happen if buffalo bill had an n. E. A. Grant . laughter but, according to recent articles, the bodies in these exhibits may be murdered falun gong, perhaps even those killed for their organs, which is why im giving a wag of the finger to recent articles. laughter way to ruin the fun, articles now this whole exhibit of dissected human cadavers seems kind of creepy. laughter well, i refuse to let the because shacklers out there ruin my daughters eighth birthday party. Were going, brittany, dont you worry besides, Museum Officials assure us the corpses came from individuals who chose to donate their bodies to medical science. You hear this that . Medical science or whatever this is. They werent executed prisoners i mean, this man clearly died happy. Look at that smile. laughter cheers and applause and i like to believe he donated his body of his own free will. Im sure there are just a lot more options on the back of a chinese drivers license. laughter well be right. Ck. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a tennis legend and at the end of the interview im leaping over the desk. Please welcome Billie Jean King cheers and applause thank you very much. Sit down thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me stephen well, its a pleasure and honor to have you here. And can you dance, baby. Stephen thank you very much. You were watching me backstage. Ive been watching you quite a bit every place. audience reacts . Stephen well, im flattered. Im flattered. Billie jean, first question, phaoeupblg says youre not his lover. Phaoeupblg says you are nomichat his lover. Not the one. You know who wrote a song for me . Stephen who . Elton john. Thats right philadelphia freedom. That gets to the nut meat of what i want to talk about here. For our younger viewers, i want them to know what a legend you are. Because besides winning 39 grand slam titles six wimbledon singles championships, four u. S. Open titles. 40 years ago this month you engaged in something called the battle of sexes with a guy named bobby riggs. It was huge. Stephen enormous. No social media, only four channels, no cable t. V. Whoa laughter . Stephen people watched it all over the world yes. cheers and applause stephen it was incredible. It was incredible. It was like ali fraser, but with tennis. laughter yes. Stephen and this was going to settle somehow whos better men or women. Men can beat women every time at the same level. He was as old as my father. Stephen and he was trash talking leading up to it. Total trash talking. Kitchen, barefooted, pregnant, girls should be in two places, bedrooms stephen bedroom and the kitchen in that order, is what he said. But i think thats a good order. But i think it applies for women, too, that wed like to have that as well. cheers and applause equal opportunity equal opportunity here stephen now this laughter . Youve rattled me. All right. Impossible impossible to rattle you. Stephen this was this was dividing families. Im from a lot of kids in my family. My sisters were all on your side, my brothers were all on bobby riggs side and you smoked him like a ham. laughter you crushed him in this. And this became you became the biggest name in tennis overnight. You are absolutely correct. Stephen now youre the subject of an american masters on pbs. American masters series yes. Stephen lets look at a clip of the battle of the sexes. cheers and applause when he jumped over the net, the first thing he said to me is i underestimated you. I couldnt wait to tell my dad what he said he would always tell us respect your opponents, never, ever underestimate them. It was like having won the president ial election. Everybody ran on the court and the women were pumped up and it transcended tennis. Elation and feeling like every woman around the world was feeling vindicated. cheers and applause stephen i remember. I remember vividly. We had a party at my house. Do you know where you were . If youre old enough but most of you are not. Do you remember where you were . We were at our house in south carolina. I remember exactly where i was. I was not allowed to stay up late enough to see who won, though. laughter what . Stephen i had to be told in the morning that bobby riggs had lost. No, you must have been a real baby . Stephen well, i am slightly younger than you. You are a lot younger. Stephen what you what did it feel like to become a symbol for a movement . I really actually embraced it. I mean yeah, i embraced it. Stephen you used your fame then to start the it was a platform. Tennis was a platform for me to really do something i wanted to do since i was 12 years old and that is fight for equal rights and opportunities for men and girls, boys and women. My older brother was a Major League Baseball player, randy moffat, played with the San Francisco giants, a relief pitcher and a good slider. Not a good curveball he told me. So anyway, i always i always want both genders to champion each other. I think its really important. I know its idealistic but i dont care. Our job in this world is to help each other, champion each other and we here in this world together so lets make the best of it cheers and applause stephen these days the only woman who regularly competes on a National Scale with men is danica patrick. Yeah. Stephen are you upset that when you were younger there wasnt godaddy. Com so you could wear a leather outfit. Very, very of course i was. I would have loved to have no. I dont know. Stephen you actually you concealed your your sexual preference when you were at the height of your fame. Did it ever upset you when a line judge would yell out laughter Billie Jean King, congratulations on bag living legend. Thank you. cheers and applause . Stephen Billie Jean King, americ