Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131016

And so far they have people in the single digits. Im not exactly clear what you mean b captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome to the report, everybody, thank you for joining us. Wow right here. Thank you so much. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Folks, what you are saying to me right now, you make me feel like joshua an were going to tear down the walls of injury cotonight. Now nation, it is day three of the Government Shutdown and it is a critical moment in our nations history. And not just because yogurt left by furloughed federal workers are passing their expiration date. Now its also because yesterday the president invited congressional leaders from both sides to the white house. I have to tell you, Speaker Boehner just came out even though it was a relatively long meeting, over an hour, and basically said there was no progress. Both sides emerging with no deal and no signs of progress. No progress by all accounts. Thats the only thing that they have actually agreed on. Stephen thats right, the only thing theyve actually agreed on was that they made no progress. laughter but that agreement is itself progress. So the only thing they agreed on was wrong and now we are he back to square one. Now folks, republicans dont want to shut the government down. They want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government. laughter but president barack obama refuses to compromise. I havent been willing to negotiate and i will not negotiate. I said this before. Im going to repeat it. There will be no negotiations over this. Let me repeat. I will not negotiate. Stephen he will not negotiate . When did that start . Evidently, obamacare covered ball transplants. So the two parties are at a stalemate but luckily the gop has one of the stalest mates of all, indiana congressman mar long constitutesman. He told the washington examiner, quote, were to the going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And i dont even know what that is. laughter there you have it, mr. President. cheers and applause a clear signal of what obama needs to offer. Something. laughter just tell republicans if they agree to end this impasse they can get whatever is in this secret mystery box. I mean, what could it be . The complete dismantling of obamacare, the keystone xl pipeline or is it a lovely dinette set qurt see of providehill. Act now, republicans and the president will throw in whatever is hine this curtain behind this curtain. cheers and applause think about it. Now, folks. Apparently there is one downside to defunding the entire federal government. Jim . Imagine the wedding of your dreams completely ruined because of congress. The government says its working with 24 couples who were planning october wedding events at national monuments. Couples have been informed those events cant take place if the government stays shut down. Mike and mila were scheduled to get married this saturday before the shutdown closed their memorial and cancelled their plans. Well, my first idea was to jump the fence and just do it anyway but she cant jump a fence in a Wedding Dress and i dont want to be arrested on my wedding day. Though if you were arrested on your wedding day you would save a bundle on the wedding photographer. laughter you see, folks with National Parks shuttered, hundreds of couples have had to cancel their wedding. Now im 100 in favor of the shutdown. But i feel bad for mike and myelin, their story is causing a shutdown in well, nation, you know, i promised you on night one of the shutdown that as leader of the colbert nation and earl lord of the afterscape i would provide all cancelled government services. And that includes weddings. Now i dont usually advertise this, folks, but i am actually an order answered minister or drain ordained minister of the american marriage ministry, all right. cheers and applause this is the most prestigious Ministry Certification you can get online while also being on the toilet. So i got to ask, what do you think, nation, do you believe that love is bigger than this shutdown . cheers and applause do you believe do you believe i should marry mike and myelin on my show yeah well then the nation has spoken. Jimmy, were having a wedding cheers and applause Government Shutdown wedding of the century. Friends, family, nation, we come together tonight for the marriage of mike and myelin. Please welcome tonights groom mike and his groomsmen cheers and applause mike, thank you. Good to see you. Take your place, right over there. All right. Okay. Mike, how are you feeling. Wicked excited. Stephen all right. Stay frosty, mike, long night. First thing first, guy, bachelor party. Lets do this thing. All right, all right. cheers and applause ready . Bros before hose. Lets do it. cheers and applause there you go, all right, guys, all right, this is camei, shes a stripper. We dont have time for camei, thank you so much, sorry about that. All right. Who is the best man. He couldnt make it. Stephen no problem. I got a celebrity to stand in, he was available, thanks to the furloughs at the park service, please welcome smokey the bear. Good to see you. All right, all right. Now mike, very important, very important mike, which now shut down government facility would you like to have had your wedding at . The Jefferson Memorial . The grand canyon, the International Space station or the centers for Disease Control . laughter important decision. Really tough one but its going to be the jefferson that is where our first date was. Stephen big spender. Now ladies and gentlemen, lets bring in the bridesmaids. cheers and applause hey girls. Hey . Hi. You look fantastic. All right, all right, ladies. First things first. The bachelorette party, shot, shot, shot. Ready . Hose before broses, there you go. There you go. All right, now its time for your there you go. Its time for your stripper cheers and applause okay. Cool it down, cool it down. Now ladies its a family show. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our ring bearer. Christopher . Great job, great job. Say hello to christopher, are you ready . Are you ready . All right, shot, shot, lets do this thing. All right there we go. All right there you go, christopher, all right, all right, come on, lets do it. All right, great, all right. Good job. cheers and applause good job. Now ladies and gentlemen, the moment weve all been waiting for. All eyes for myelin lee, tonights lovely bride. cheers and applause shes not coming. The brides not coming. Well be right back. I hope. The 2013 Government Shutdown. Wedding of the century. Stephen mike, ill be right back. Ill be right back. cheers and applause myelin, whats going on girlfriend, are you nervous. Yeah. Stephen listen, if mike is to the right for you we will blow out of here right now and get tattoos, say the word. No, no, no, im just really nervous about getting married on tv. Stephen dont you ruin this for me. This is my special day, okay. I have been dieting for like 15 minutes im sorry, im sorry, listen, its going to be fine, youre go stock great, you look lovely, but it doesnt matter everyones going to be looking at me, okay. Okay. Stephen you ready to do this. Im ready. Stephen okay. Shots. cheers and applause lets go. cheers and applause its okay, its okay, its okay. It worked. All rise for the honorable bride, juice it. cheers and applause please be seated. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man mike and this woman myelin lee in holy matrimony, before they take their sacred voys first a nondenominational jewish blessing from the star of stage and screen mr. Mandy patenkin. cheers and applause amen. Stephen thank you, mandy. cheers and applause stephen that was so beautiful, tell me, what does it mean. It is a blessing that celebrates new beginnings. Stephen like a wedding. Yes. And like the new season of homeland. laughter sundays, sundays at 9 00 p. M. Only on show time brace yourself mandy, thank you, mandy. cheers and applause stephen thank you, mandy. Now then, dow take mike to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse in sickness and in health until death do you part . I do and mike do you do all that same stuff but with the word wife in there . I do. Stephen ten by the power vested in me by the state of new york and the entire viacom family of entertainment network, i now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. cheers and applause yea, keep going, man. Youre married. Go for it, all right all right, thats enough, thats enough. And now for the first dance for the happy couple please welcome five time tony award winner Audra Mcdonald. cheers and applause hey little sister what have you done hey little sister whos the only one hey little sister whos your hey little sister whos the one you want hey little sister shotgun its a nice day its nice day for a White Wedding nice day take me back home yeah theres nothing pure in this world theres nothing pure in this world left in this world come on its a nice day for a White Wedding its nice day to start again. Stephen mike and myelin, happy shutdown, everybody. Well be right back. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight thinks that americans can better honor our troops. So two magnetic yellow ribbons . Please welcome david friningel. cheers and applause stephen hey, david, nice to have you back. Now good to see you again. Good to see you. The last time you were here, you were here to talk about the good soldiers. Right. Your book about being embedded with which group in iraq. It was infrant lee battalion during the period of the surge. These guys went over, well, it was considered the lost moment of the war. They were there for 15 months. They got pretty banged up. And i wrote that book. Then they came home. And they are banged up in different ways so i have written a secretary book about what is happening at home. Stephen an its called thank you for your service. Yeah. Stephen now this is about the wounds that we we cant necessarily see rz and they cant see them either which causes great doubts to some of them. So the book, the book is really an end mat look, its not a policy bock but an intimate look at what the afterwar is. What happens when you come home mentally wounded and try to recover from what you have seen and what you have done. Stephen is this sort of trauma that we hear so much about with veterans of iraq and afghan tan, is this new or was this happening in world war ii and the korean war as well. Well, sure. I mean there are no headlines in this book. Its not like we dont know that war does things to peoplement but these are our wars, our current wars, its been going on since, well, more than 10 years and but if world war ii those guys who came back, didnt they have a way of dealing with t they would just bottle it up and stuff it down and they would just come out and someone big explosion of rage in 1967 over thanksgiving dinner . That was the ol way to do it, that was the 50see way, the ike way to do it, never talk about your feelings. You will be pleased to know that still goes on from these wars as well. There is one part of the book, it is a therapy a session in colorado, about 20 guys in there. And the interesting part of that isnt what they are recounting, its pretty horrible what theyve done and what theyve been through, but the fact that they all say what was i thinking. What was i thinking when i was doing that kind of thing. And so. Stephen when they were in the war, what they were thinking. Yes, what were they thinking that would cause them to act the way they did in the wartime it made perfect sense during the war. But now theyre back home and theyre considering who they became in wartime and thinking what in the world was that about. Stephen well, what can the average person, the person who, you know w who is just approaching your book for the first time, perhaps hasnt read the good solders, about what these guys want through in iraq and afghanistan, what can they do to help soldiers. Well wa, do you think . Stephen i dont know, im asking you, honest to godding i would to the you have on if i knew. Well, maybe a starting point is to pay honest attention to whats going on. Iraq may be over and afghanistan may be winding down but its hear, its going on and i think actual honest attention from people would be a good starting point. Stephen honest attention, i need to you help me out here. Do you mean like literally dow say thank you for your service. How are you doing . I mean how do you start a conversation with anybody. These. Stephen i generally dont, i generally dont. Im a famous person, they come talk to me. laughter how would they start a conversation with you. Stephen youre that dude laughter pretty good way to start. Stephen youre steve car rel. Carell. Mr. Finkle, thank you so much. cheers and applause stephen the book is thank you for your service. Well be right back. Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww stephen thank you, thats it for the report, everybody. But before we go i want to thank mike, myelin lee, mandy and Audra Mcdonald for rocking it. Heres the good new, Audra Mcdonald had a concert at the library of congress but it got cancelleca