Tonight way sex scandal order that seems to be ripped right from the Anthony Weiner headlines. Hes had an account. To the by name. But his alter ego does. Stephen tonight wass the best way to save an endangered species . I use a ziploc bag plus the latest breakthrough in agricultural science. Old mcdonalds has a meth lab. laughter and my guest stephen fry is known as a renaissance man. Well im going to go medieval on his ass. A new Study Suggests plants have the ability to tell time. Good, because for christmas i got my ficus a swatch. This is the colbert report. cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. Thank you very much. Thank you. Folks, thank you so much. Selfen, stephen, steve ebb stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause folks, thank you so much. Thank you for joining us. Folks, if you know me an i hope you do, if you watch this show, you know i will do anything in my power to support our military short of enlisting. laughter frankly, folks, i cannot even look at our socalled commander in chief. Jimmy, can i get a picture of him please. Thank you. laughter he is always weakening our military preparedness and unity cohesion. First he gets rid of dont ask dont tell. Suddenly an officer and a gentleman sounds like date night. And now, now this. The department of defence is thinking about spending millions and millions of your dollars to buy our marines new hats or as they call them covers. And heres the problem. Apparently not many want to wear them. Some people think the new hat looks far too girlly. Looks to me like the fem anyization of the marine corps. Stephen clearly the fem anyization of marine corp. I mean theyre cutting off the balls of montezuma. Its semper fi, not search bi. And im not the only one who is enraged. New yorks the New York Post said it looks like it came from the shops of christopher street. laughter well, then si have to assume the new hat is a neon mesh and secured with a ball gag. All right, jim, lets see this new girlie hatas trophy next to the current deny. Oh, o my god, look at that i just cannot tell which one is the new one. laughter which one oh, its the one on the right, the one on the right, yeah, hate those. Its so feminine, im just ovulating looking at them. laughter this hat might as well be made of tampons and copies of eat, pray, love. I mean those two inches of extra brim is the difference between marine and maureen. Now sure, the department of defence says the proposed hat is based on the one worn by world war i hero and two time medal of honor winner Sergeant Major dan daley. What does that guy know about being manly. Hes wearing two necklaces and a broach. All that is missing is the matching earrings. Mark my words, folks. Next obama will have the army rangers in barratts and dress the navy up in little sailor suits. Were not selling cracker jacks here. Oh, and you can forget wearing cameo, soon our soldiers will all be wearing Georgia Okeeffe paintings. laughter and that reminded me of something. That reminded me of something. I dont if anything, folks, if anything, our military hats should be more manly. I say we make them out of beef jerky and sharks teeth. That is just me. Folks, nation, folks, i dont need to tell you about all the charitable work i do. Thats what my publicist is for. But i do do it. And i realize i just said dodo. laughter the point is im a great guy. Even though i dont give to charity any more. But its not my fault. You see, our stagnant economy has taken its toll on all charitable giving. Donations to the top 400 charities are down this year, even my charity, the stephen and Melinda Gates foundation has had to cut back on our important work of figuring out what we were raising money for. We were this close to a cause. Fortunately one organization out there is using the free market to create proper incentives for doing the right thing. And it brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause philantrophy. Folks, nothing tugs at the heart strings more than animal charities. Although i for one dont know why Sarah Mclachlan has imprisoned all of those dogs and cats. Let them go, you monster laughter and i believe it is especially important to protect our dwindling endangered species. Especially, folks, especially the black rhino. You see, there are there are only about 5,000 of these ma guess particular creatures left in the world, down 96 since the mid 70s. Now one of the reasons they have been dying out is poachers are killing them and harvesting their parts for traditional medicine. For instance, in china its believed powdered black rhino horn can cure a wide variety of ailments from snakebites to devil possession. Wow, those chinese have some crazy beliefs. Everybody knows the way to cure devil possession is with holy water. laughter now luckily luckily, folks, one group has stepped forward with a bold conservation plan, the dallas sav ari club has announced they will save the endangered black rhino by auctioning off the chance to shoot one. Like the old saying, if you love something, set it free. Then when it has a bit of a head start, open fire. And, folks, the savvy Club Spokesman is approaching the sensitive subject of sacrificing an endangered species for the greater good, with all the gravity you could hope for. The Dallas Safari Club will be auctioning off a black rhino hunt in namibia at this years convention. Im super stoked about this. Folks, the money goes to something incredible, the trophy is just astronomicalment coy not imagine having a black rhino. I cannot even begin to tell you how rare this is. Best of all, the more you shoot, the rarer it gets. Now the safari club is auctioning off a special rhino hunting permit from the namibian government, expected to rake in three quarters of a million dollars, all of which goes directly to namibias black Rhino Conservation trust. And folks, the rhinos, if any of you are worried, the rhinos will never even notice. As Dallas Safari Club executive director ben carter said black rhinos tend to have a fairly high mortality rate. Generally speaking out of a population of 2,000, harvesting three rhinos over a couple or three years has no impact on the health of the rhino herd at all. Yes, there isnt much impact if you kill one rhino or three rhinos, or how about this, we shoot all 5,000 remaining rhinos that will bring in 3. 7 billion dollars, and we can use that cash to keep one last rhino savly confined. Folks, this is the only, i believe, i believe this is the only practical way to save the species. Because as dallas sav are Club Director ben carter further said, people are talking about why dont you do a photo safari or whatever. Thats great but people dont pay for that. Hes right. No one will pay for a photo. Thats not a trophy. How are you going to hang a photo on your wall. But think about it, if we really want to raise some cash, you know what people do pay for . They pay for sex. To save this endangered animal, the Dallas Safari Club should auction off a night we a rhino. Now im not saying folks, im not saying that someone should go [bleep] a black rhino. Thats sick. Im saying they should make love to it. laughter now in the morning, in the morning that might be that idea is very popular with the people. In 9 morning, in the morning you just leave 750,000 dollars on the dresser. If you dont call the fix day shell understand. Nation, this dallas rhino club idea can raise money for all sorts of important causes. I mean who amongst us hasnt seen a homeless manning begging on the streets and felt deep sadness that you could not hunt him for sport. I mean new york city, think about this, new york city opera just recently had to close for lack of funds. If only they would have let us hunt the fat lady. I mean i happen to know their horns are an aphrodisiac in norway. But you know what . You know what Nonprofit Organization could really use this kind of fundraising technique . The Dallas Safari Club. I say we just auction off a chance to hunt one member. I mean theyll understand. I mean also its such a beautiful pelt. I mean you know what, i might make a vest out of it. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause k ,xp4x. iuk vi w,x÷ [father]cmon,buddy,you can do it. Cmon,reel it up, you gotta reel it up now,buddy. Reel it up. [father] reel it up,you got him on there. Bring him in. Is that a bass . [boy] yeah,i got a big bass. [father]bring it up. Keep reeling. Keep reeling. Cmon, where is he . Whoa you caught that all by yourself . [boy] yeah [father]how old are you to catch that . [boy]three [father]youre three years old . Show me how many fingers that is. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, nation, i dont trust vegetables. You always see them growing but you never see them eat. Whats up. So when i carve pumpkins its not for halloween, its a warning. This is what i do to you. And this vegeterror is only getting worse because there a new crop out of england and it might be the craziest [bleep] thing ive ever heard. Warning, folks, what you are about to see may cause you to burglarize your pants. Jim. Its a plant which produces both tomatoes and potato. Above the ground you can harvest up to 500 cheree sized tomatoes but thats not all. Below the ground you can harvest your own crop of delicious white potatoes. Stephen thats unnatural. The only time tomatoes and potato should meet is at the bottom of a styrofoam clam shell. Besides its disgusting. Without would want a potato that comes out of the ground, its filthy. And vegetables should not be mating with other species. This is misveg nation, its adam and eve, not adam and endive. And just listen, listen how these mad bot annises created their vegetable medley. The inventor plant is being created using a grafting process, by taping the ends of two plantsing to. It worked in this case because tomatoes are members of the potato family, so they are naturally compatible. Tomato and potato plants taped endtoend. Throw a turn i in there and you can stitch together the vegetable centipede. And the name, wait a second, tomtato, where did they get that name, its half potato and half tomato, it should be called the poteat that timeo. Whatever, you say potato a say toe matho. You say tomorrowtom tato. Thats the craziest [bleep] thing ive ever heard. Welcome back, my guest tonight the brrb acker, playwright, journalist, poet, comedian, television host, activist, tinker, tailor, soldier and spy, please welcome stephen fry. Hey, stephen, good to see you again, please, sit down. Nice to see you. Very nice to be seen by you. And we havent seen each other since we were both on the set of the hobbit. Thats absolutely right. Yeah. And your audience, may not be aware of your absolute, profound knowledge of all things tolkien. I try to remind them as often as possible. Mr. Colbert and his family came to wellington, new zealand while we were filming the hobbit. We created this little quiz, and stephen was pitted against the tolkien expert who is behind the script. And few people know more about tolkien. And tolkien wouldnt have known as much about tolkien. And there at one end was mr. Colbert. And there at the other end was and stephen won. cheers and applause you cheer. Yes, they do cheer. You cheer but do think of the implication. Between the ages of 13 and 17 he probably didnt know he had a penis. You were just locked in a tragic world of walking trees. No, no, i had one, i had a golden ring on it. laughter very good. And i never wanted to put it down. Now okay, as i said before, youre an actor, screenwriter, best selling author, playwright, activist, youre a poor mans james franco. But i know my limbs. Thank you so much for being here, and thank you for being so very english right now. Yes. I am rather, not deliberately. Tweed. Nothing matches, its perfect. Now youre in 12th night right now on broadway. Thats right. And you are playing the character of malvolio. Yes. Stephen hes the hero of that play, isnt he. Of course he is, absolutely. Stephen because he is the fundamentalist christian who is telling everyone to stop having fun. Exactly right. He bursts in on a party, and he tells them all to go to bed. And you making an ale house of the house. And it seems to me he is is the hero. Unfortunately he is made a fool of by the really unpleasant people. Im planning to write a sequel called 13th night. Malvolios revenge because he slaughters them. Stephen in a am big pen tamm ter. Fortunately for me, it is almost entirely in proceeds so i dont have to do. Stephen you dont have to do okay. Thats right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen well, you know, one thing that i, one thing i find suspicious about you, is that while i like you as an actor, most actors what i like about them is that theyre not really smart. They just play smart people. You actually seem like a smart person and i find that suspicious. I know what you mean. Stephen why dow value intelligence so much. I know, its so much against the grain of republicanism in america t to have a brain and. Stephen more of this, more of this. Yeah. Stephen youre also an atheist. I am an atheist. Stephen yes, you are very much an atheist, dont worry, you done have to cheer, ill get him. I have no objection of people and their invisible friend to talk. Stephen s thiss very generous of you. Thats very generous of a man who has the devils beard. Would you like to look in the camera and apologize to santa claus right now . You know what, you probably know this, but it is rather sweet when you think of, all the worlds religeons are very interesting. Stephen some of them are more interesting because theyre true. Well,. Stephen yes, yes, all recipes are interesting. Some will kill, some are delicious. Only one might be true and all these other pios People Living are all going to burn in hell because they have not fold the right one. But in japan where christianity is not, you know, the primary importance the common thought is a friend of mine was looking at christmastime and he saw santa claus nailed to a cross. That was there idea christianity, yeah, we have father christmas and a cross, yeah, thats it, yeah. I think. Stephen why not. Absolutely. Stephen you actually also, you have gotten a lot of praise for being very open about your bipolar disorder. Yes, yes. Stephen that must either make you very happy or very sad. laughter applause stephen is that why you speak openly because you want to help other people. Im gay as well because. Stephen im sorry, i didnt oh. Stephen what are you talking about. Well done, new jersey, by the way. And cheers and applause stephen you just disappointed a lot of ladies my friend. Im so sorry. Im supposed to be plugging also sing may im doing with susan sarandon. Very much on your level politically i know. Called it gets better. I think. Stephen i know it gets better. Without getting without delving into too much sentiment, the fact that there arent too many teenage suicides, its too much torement by facebook or twitter on gay teenagers and it becomes and behooves somebody who is confident in their sexuality to share s so people like that can for example, i think deserve a enormous sper speckive. Why cant anybody be gay without being toremented and teased. People look back in 100 years time they will say was there really a moment when people were had so little to disleak that they chose the way people love as what they hated. Stephen i agree with you. It is not easy to explain to our grandchildren why we are denying gay people the right to vote but the right thing isnt always easy. laughter stephen you know. You and i, you and i had great grandparents who officered sugar into coffee knowing that each had been picked by a slave. And we probably dont like to think of our great great grandparents of being wicked people. They probably thought they were god fearing people and certainly went to church every sunday. And yet they quite happily stirred their sugar into their coffee. Its a moral change. Stephen are you english. And im irish so my great grandparents knew your great grants where wicked people. You mentioned twitter. You have 6 million twitter followers. Yes, 6 and a quarter. Stephen and changing i have only 5. 4. But yours are metric, right . So i might have i would like to challenge you to something. Okay. Stephen do you do that right now. I would like to challenge you, let me open up here with my old magic thumb print. I have a friend who trained it to open with his nipple. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen his nipple, his nipple. Okay there you go. Okay, i will tweet, who can get the more retweets . It is a little unfair because almost, a large percentage of my followers are asleep now. So but way, please retweet this. Stephen okay, i will try that. Please retweet this, sincerely stephen, , lord of the tweets. laughter and tweet. All right. Stephen all right. We will see who is the true the lord of the tweets. We will, we will. Stephen we are both going to have our ass kansas citied by justin bieber. Stephen fry, thank you so much for joining me. Stephen fry, tonight at the balasco theatre. Well be right back. cheers and applause k