Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140115

Stephen thank you so much. Folks, lets get right to it. We have tons of news to report. Obviously the big story everyones talking about, you have to latest from iraq, problems implementing obamacare, there is a new budget deal coming, plus republican proposals to modify the earned income tax credit so with that, this is the sport report. cheers and applause laughter stephen first up, folks, baseball. Nation, im as mad as a man whos too angry to finish his similes. laughter because my favorite athlete has been dealt a gross miscarriage of sports justice. Yankees third baseman arod. Now, arods a friend. We use the same artist to paint us as centaurs, google it. To me this guy is not just arod hes therod. And it makes my blood boil to see how hes beings per kated. Stephen arod has been shut out of Major League Baseballs entire 2014 season. 162 games. Wont be eligible for any postseason games. New york yankees third baseman has been suspended for the entire 2014 season for using performanceenhancing drugs. Stephen what . Thats insane 162 games . Hold on a second. Multiplied by how long each baseball game lasts hold on, lets see here. Uhhuh. Thats 400 years besides, folks, i take him at his word no. For the record, have you ever used steroids, Human Growth Hormone or any other performanceenhancing drugs . No. Did you do anything wrong . No. Did you do any p. E. D. S . No. Stephen and i believe him, folks. Theres absolutely no evidence hes using performanceenhancing drugs. Especially the playoffs. laughter so, listen, ultimate play if he did use drugs . Its the culture of the game to stay competitive, todays players need a little somethingsomething, give them the physical demands of this sport. I mean, theres the standing, the sitting, and, hey, those crotches arent going scratch themselves cheers and applause i am not the only one just for the record im not the only one in favor of drugs, so is fox news bench warmers the 5. He probably supplied arod with a performance enhancing drug and maybe he did shoot him up. Im trying to figure out why to suspend the guy for a whole year. Major League Baseball said guess what . Were okay with medical marijuana. So on one hand theyre okay with medical marijuana. The but god forbid you get a performanceenhancing drugs. Stephen of course they support medical marijuana in the m. L. B. How else would you get snob pay 18 for a hot dog . cheers and applause but the best point on the 5 was made by the bottom of the fifth, greg gutfeld. Jim . Drugs are going to exist as long as theres an incentive to use them and the incentive is to win. In every job you do if theres a drug that helps you, do the damn drug and no one should get in your try stop you. Stephen folks, i agree. If there is a drug that can make greg gutfeld do his job better, by god, he should do those drugs cheers and applause please, keep looking, buddy, theyre going find a cure. laughter so listen to the 5, kids, just do drugs. laughter and im not talking about recreationally, professionally i mean case in point. You think i win all these awards because im good and i work hard . Please i am nothing but a flesh sack propped up by the wonders of big pharma laughter for starters i take steroids just for the testicle shrinking. laughter left unchecked, my balls would keep growing like beaver teeth. laughter and obviously ive got to popped a ral to stay focused when people who arent me are talking. laughter i take some ambien because i have trouble sleeping during the commercial breaks. Then i just hit the basics centrum, soma, neuroin, the spice, glint, glimmer, jizadrine the wii, powdered rhino horn, the blue, boniva, flint stones chewables, flint stones spoz suppositories, front line flea and tick on the back of my neck so i cant lift it off and ive got a nuvaring up in there somewhere. cheers and applause not entirely sure where, but im walking funny. laughter of course, kids, youll have to experiment to get your own cocktail dialed in. Mine took a lot of trial and error trial in that ive been on trial for taking bath salts and then error of attempting to eat someones face. Once again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. audience reacts next up, folks shes fine, shes fine. Next up, folks, winter sports. This is my favorite time of the every four years because the Winter Olympics are just around the corner. Now, i am prohibited from showing you a graphic of the Olympic Rings due to threats of Copyright Infringement but ive got a work around. Jimmy, just put up five interlocking mickey heads. There you go. cheers and applause folks, this years Olympic Games are in russia where have had a muir putins recent law of displaying gay propaganda has gotten the righthuggers yuan around thes in a bunch. But putin landed himself a huge supporter state side, fox news youth correspondent pat buchanan. laughter in an oped on downhall. Com entitled, is putin one of us . He applauds putins belief that to equate traditional marriage to samesex marriage is to equate good with evil. And writes he has more clarity than americans caught up in a cold war paradigm. Buchanan is right. The cold war is over. In fact, if reagan were alive today hed been saying this. Mr. Putin, build out a wall to keep out the homos laughter stephen besides, gay supporters have nothing to wine about because putin recently announced that preapproved rallies may be held in a designated protest zone. You hear that, gays . If you want to protest, just report to the gated enclosure surrounded by the russian police. laughter what could possibly go wrong . laughter of course, comradeotolerance is staging a sitin at his own protest zone. Stephen president obama will not be heading to the Winter Olympics in sochi, russia. Neither will Vice President jobtd, this, of course, seems like a notsosubtle rebuke to russias antigay laws. The white house instead plans to send a delegation that includes tennis great Billie Jean King, whos openly gay. Stephen actually i think they mean tennis great billie jean qhing is formerly gay. Because she was on my show last year and i flipped the script. laughter you look good, steven. Thank you very much. You were watch megabackstage. Ive been watching you quite a bit every place. cheers and applause stephen thats right. Five minute on my show and Billy Jean King wanted to snap into me like a slim jim. Are cheers and applause im like folks, im like a big straight magnet that erases any gay hard drive im put next to. When we return, ill be put next to tennis legend and u. S. Olympic delegategatete stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Nation, if you were watching the show and i hope that you were right before the commercial break i reported that in response to antigay laws in russia president obama is sending an olympic delegation which includes gay tennis legend Billie Jean King and figure skater Brian Boitano who just two days after he was named to the delegation also came out. Ooh, right after he booked a trip to russia. Tough time to discover youre gay laughter folks, i believe this is an outrages you breach of the olympic spirit. Obama know it is host country is against the gays. So he sends a bunch of them over there . Thats like getting invited to a potluck dinner where you know host has a peanut allergy so you bring a tray of pad thai and gay people laughter this is not how the u. S. Should represent itself during the sochi games. Here telltotell me how the u. S. Should represent its during the sochi games, please welcome delegate member, tennis great Billie Jean King. cheers and applause billie jean, good to see you again. Good to see you. Wow, you got them riled. Stephen thanks for being here. You are maybe the most visible gay athlete in the world. I mean but the law says you cant have gay propaganda. Isnt your mere existence propaganda for homosexuality . Because you make it look good. Well, i hope so stephen yes. But the three of us, brian and kaitlin and us, come on, when we show up isnt that a statement . Stephen yes, but its against the law. We better have pretty good security then. Stephen youre going over to represent the country in the place of obama. What do you think your responsibilities are going to be . Well, i probably wont protest but if the media asks me a question im going answer it. applause stephen really. Absolutely. Why not . Stephen youll be breaking the law. If you Say Something positive about homosexuals or about homosexual rights youll be breaking the law. Technically you could be thrown into jail. Well, ill take that chance, i guess. cheers and applause stephen really . Do you think youll have a chance do meet Vladimir Putin dorr you think somebody else might do the interrogating . laughter well, thats i have no idea. You know what . Im going go think about that. Stephen say hi, hes a friend. S he a friend of yours . Stephen yeah. What kind of a guy is he . Stephen often shirtless. Dont you think it would have been braver of obama and shown more leadership if he had just chosen to be gay for two weeks and gone over there himself . laughter i dont think thats being true to yourself. Stephen but you agree its a choice . A choice . No. Stephen its not . Okay. No i do not think that. Stephen you havent read the science lately on that. Oh, i hear people say its a choice. Stephen i hope you heard me just say it just now. Well, youve had a choice and youre straight. Stephen oh, i had plenty of opportunity to gay, baby laughter i had my pick of the litter. That i believes what they call a group of gay men, a litter of gay men. You have you have those twinkley brown eyes. I bet they did pretty well, yeah. Stephen im working my magic on you. You are working the magic. Stephen it was said it has been said and i think youve admitted that you have been chosen specifically because not only are you a great athlete but youre a wellknown homosexual athlete. What does it i like gay. Its so much happier. laughter stephen really. Gay . Gay you know. Stephen so gay is okay. I thought it was gay and lesbian. I just love gay because its so happy. Stephen really. Yes, im a gay woman. Stephen youre not offended because youre being chosen because youre sgha. Im proud of it i love it are you kidding . Just the opposite. Come on stephen you have said that the lgbt fight for rights is a civil rights struggle of the 21st century. Its one of them absolutely. Or the one, yes. Stephen does that make russia the alabama of the 21st censurely. Sure, why not . Stephen one more thing. The last thing on here. You will admit the last time you were on this show there was some there was some meet between the two of us. I actually didnt i just talk about your twinkley brown eyes . Absolutely cheers and applause stephen well, thank you. Do you think there will come a time when society will accept love between a happily married man and a gay woman . laughter i hope so stephen that will be the civil rights struggle of the 22nd century. You are aa man ahead of your time. Stephen thank you for joining ing meg me stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is the a renown art critic. Shes about to meet an art critic critic. Please welcome Deborah Solomon cheers and applause deborah, good to see you, thanks for coming on. Nice to see you again. Now madame, as i said before, youre an art critic. Im going to warn you up front im no fan of the form, all right . laughter if art has to be explained to me chuck it. All right . Yeah. Yeah. Stephen you are the author of well, i try to help you tonight. Well have you look at a painting. Thats one of the problems ive got with you. Youve written previous biographies of jackson pollock, joseph cornell. Your new book is called american mirror, the life and art of Norman Rockwell. Correct. Stephen heres my beef, deb. The reason i like Norman Rockwell is hes not like one of these avantgarde guys where i have to go into a room in a museum and theres a pile of uncooked spaghetti with a lamp over it and they go thats art a. He paints a mailman and i go thats a mailman. Why do i need you to explain that to me . Well, its interesting. During his lifetime you probably know he was derided by the art community. Stephen by the elites, people like you. By art historians as a nonentity and a toxic culture polluter. Stephen and an illustrator. A lowly illustrator who painted calendars with boy scouts on them. Now 36 years after his death i think its interesting that were still talking about his work in that it has turned out to have the staying power of the abstract painting that was celebrating during his lifetime. Stephen lets look at this mans work. Jim, lets put it right here. This first one, thats rockwell himself . Thats a selfportrait. Stephen its a realistic portrait but its almost dealing with the surrealist reputation of the artist himself. Do i sound like an art cit snick because i just pulled that bleep out of my ass. Not at all. Not at all. cheers and applause i i have this whats interesting about the painting is that he is comparing his rumbled appearance with the idealized image on the canvas. Hes telling us that are start a lie that tells the truth. Stephen ill buy that one. Lets go to the next one. This one is whats this call . Freedom from wants. One of the four freedoms he painted to illustrate president roosevelts ideas about why we were fighting world war ii. You cant tell me he was a liberal right. He couldnt have been a commie socialist like roosevelt. This guy is a heartland painter. This guy is from the heartland of america. No, hes been misappropriated by right wingers. They was man who believed in equality and tolerance and voted for j. F. K. In 1960 and lbj in 1964. Stephen thats one of the things why i didnt want to hear a critic talk about it. Stephen you should also know he painted the defying image of the civil rights movement, the problem we all live with, the the people who want to turn him into a Cartoon Version of an all white boring america dont hold much credence. Stephen he did paint a lot of white people. He did. He did. Stephen lets go to the next one. One thats this called . Saying grace. Stephen this just sold on sothebys for 46 million. That is correct. Stephen the highest price ever paid. Stephen we dont know who for what, for that painting . For an american painting. Stephen well, for an american painting of that period meaning were looking at artists like rockwell, Edward Hopper and georgia okeefe. Yes, its representational, correct. Stephen so isnt it the best reputation if it costs the most . Hasnt the market spokeen . No, no i want to tell you. Stephen do you believe in the free market . That i believe the market is a critic but its not a very good critic. Stephen not a good as one as ever saw. Stephen exactly. Stephen the market will determine how good your book is, by the way. Dont insult the market, deb. Why do you think this sold for so much money . Whats going on here . Its also a thanksgiving picture. And it shows a grandmother and grandson giving things in the giving thanks in the middle of a bustling diner. The detail is exquisite, you can make out the New York Times. Phenomenon. Stephen you can see the fork and knife. And see the New York Times . He read the New York Times. Stephen everybodys got their flaws. laughter stephen heres my real problem with you. Its bad enough youre being a critic but youre also trying to be some kind of critical sleuth. Look at this next painting here. You have looked at some of his paintings and youve said you detect a preference for men over women in his subjects and youre projecting that in the possibility of homoerotic undertones in his work. Well, its true he did paint men more than women. He was a figure painter who favored men and thats unusual because most figure Painters Paint women. Picasso, for instance, you know picasso painted women. Stephen and put too many of these on. laughter matisse, women. Gaugin, women. Stephen so he painted a lot of guys so he painted a lot of guys youre saying its something that might have gay tendencys . Youre saying he might be home sfwhal thats what youre saying you used the word homoerotic. Do you know what that means . Stephen it means bad homoerotic doesnt mean that youre permanently anything. Its just a passing impulse. So if one feels a homoerotic impulse as an art historian might say it means that we have two male figures showing affection for each other. And i. Stephen so the subject can tell us something about the possible feelings of the painter sexually . Well, it can tell us it can tell us something about the artists imagination and what excited his gaze. Stephen so youre saying warhol imagined getting it on with soup cans . laughter cheers and applause hfrjts we dont want to get into warhols sexuality because, you know, thats just can of worms. A campbells soup of a campbells soup can of worms. Stephen hmm,mm good. Thank you so much for joining me. Deborah solomon. The book is american mirror xrx8 stephen captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on instagram today just when you thought gangnam style was dead, buried, gone and happily forgotten, the hippest man on the planet brought it back to life. Thats right. Thats dancing mitt romney spasmodically skipping his way through our generations macarena. Clearly this is not gangnam style