Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140215

Oh, yeah, beautiful, thank you so much. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us, in here, out there, all around the world. All the satellites. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Folks, weve got lots of news to get to. Weve got to do it. Thank you very much. Folks, lots of news to get to but first i have got to send a the colbert report shoutout audience member yells to my African American viewer or viewers. laughter once again in february, folks which, of course, is black History Month but did you know that its also childrens dental health month . laughter that means its an important month for African Americans. Children with teeth. But especially African American children with teeth. cheers and applause the point is, kids, great African American leaders like rosa parks and Martin Luther king want you to floss. laughter okay . Thats what they fought for. And thanks to their sacrifice, you can floss on any seat in the bus you choose. Because theres only one thing worse than racism and thats racism with gingivitis. laughter yet another camera, yet another emotional state. Nation, my blood is boiling. And it better stop soon because i like my veins al dente. laughter folks, baseless attacks continue to be levied against Chris Christie, my personal friend that i look forward to meeting one day. laughter the governor put the bridge gate nonscandal to bet weeks ago. Well, guess what . Somebody woke it up, folks, and its cranky as hell. Explosive new allegations about Chris Christie. Bombshell new allegations. A former new Jersey Transportation official who once worked for Chris Christie is making new claims tonight suggesting the governor lied about when he knew of the g. W. Bridge lane closure. The lawyer for David Wildstein writes evidence exists tying mr. Christie to having knowledge of the lane closures. Stephen evidence exists. Ooh laughter it exists and should evidence ever be presented shaking in my boots would occur. laughter folks, this is just the governors word against David Wildsteins and, yes, they were High School Classmates and, yes, christie created a job at the Port Authority to appoint wildstein to, but its not like they were close, right, sghorn david and i were not friend in high school. We were not even acquaintances in high school. I was the class president and athlete, i dont know what david was doing. laughter audience reacts yes. Yes. Christie didnt know what wildstein was doing at that time. I mean, it could have been anyones head he was holding down in the toilet laughter but, folks, it doesnt matter now because this past weekend the governor destroyed wildsteins reputation by releasing a memo filled with five damning revelations. David wildstein will do and say anything to save David Wildstein. Ouch. He had a controversial tenure at mayor of livingston. Ooh he was an anonymous blogger. Wow folks, that is a damning list. And it doesnt even mention the troubling rumors that wildstein is a known associate of scandalplagued governor Chris Christie. laughter and applause but, folks, all of that cheers and applause all of this all of this just pales when compared to the darkest revelation that wildstein was publicly accused by his High School Social studies teacher of Deceptive Behavior audience reacts oh, yeah. Folks, i shudder to think what that could mean. Did he improperly footnote a term paper . Did he forge his moms signature for a field trip to colonial williamsberg . Did he cover his cross with a notebook while giving oral reports or, upon hearing the words oral reports . And, again, again, folks, these accusations are coming from the highest level a social studies teacher now, unfortunately, David Wildsteins social studies teacher was unavailable for comment because he is deceased. audience reacts was it. Murder . laughter and applause the no, it was natural causes. laughter but i was able to contact one person who knows both christie and wildstein. Please welcome their first grade teacher mrs. Ludemeyer. Mrs. Ludemeyer, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you so much. cheers and applause now mrs. Ludemeyer, thank you so much for having the courage to speak with me today. I hear you have some damaging revelations about what David Wildstein was like as a first grader. Yes, stephen. He was an untrustworthy little ruffian. One time he said he needed to tink but once he was in the bathroom he just played with the soap dispenser. Stephen okay, did you also teach Chris Christie . Christopher . laughs oh, he was a joy kids like chrisy are why i teach definitely president ial material. A born lead we are executive experience. laughter and applause mrs. Ludemeyer, youre reading off of note cards. Did Chris Christies people get to you . Yes. He closed off two lanes of the lunch line. laughter i wouldnt endorse him and a week later the class goldfish dropped dead audience reacts i could be next stephen stay calm, mrs. Ludemeyer. Can i stay here tonight . Stephen of course you can well be right back. cheers and applause [ sneezes ] [ male announcer ] if you have yet to master the quiet sneeze. [ sneezes ] [ male announcer ] you may be an allergy muddler. Try zyrtec®. It gives you powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin® because zyrtec® starts working at hour 1 on the first day you take it. Claritin® doesnt start working until hour 3. [ sneezes ] [ male announcer ] zyrtec®. Love the air. [ female announcer ] this week only, save up to 15 on zyrtec® products. See sundays newspaper. Save up to 15 on zyrtec® products. Classical piano [richard] last year,thinking they can do their own taxes, americans left behind more than a billion dollars. Thats five hundred dollars on every single seat. Not just in this stadium, but in every professional football stadium in america. This is your money. Get it back with block. Get your billion back,america. Youre not only getting the most innovative phone on the market, youre getting the nations fastest 4g lte network with no restrictive annual Service Contracts and you can get it for 0 down. Iphone 5s on tmobile, get the phone thats breaking new ground from the company thats breaking old rules. Mwould not slow down. When they told him he had reached the limit. He just had one thought faster. What was he chasing . What are you chasing . Do you really think brushing is enough to keep it clean . While brushing misses germs in 75 of your mouth, listerine® cleans virtually your entire mouth. So take your oral health to a whole new level. Listerin®. Power to your mouth™. [ speaking russian ] i have no idea what youre saying, but count me in peanut m ms for everyone [ laughter ] wait. What . Where you think youre gonna go when your times all gone . [ male announcer ] live a full life. The new lexus ct hybrid with an epa estimated 42 mpg. The further you go, the more interesting it gets. This is the pursuit of perfection. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody, my guests tonight are russian activists. Please welcome pussy riot. Pussy riot. Pussy riot. Stephen what they said cheers and applause nice to see you, if nadya, masha. All right, so we got masha, we got nadya and then anya, youll be translating, right . Yes. Stephen thank you very much. Welcome to the United States. translated thank you. Stephen have you been to an olive garden yet . translated havent had time. Stephen dont, youll think youre in italy, it would be a waste. Now, you are members of pardon the expression pussy riot. Okay . You were arrested in russia and thrown in jail. What did you do that got you arrested . translated we sang a fun song in a church. cheers and applause stephen so you broke the law . laughter translated yes, and we broke mitt times before that because we had a lot of fun songs, one of them was called putin piss off. laughter stephen okay, now vladimirs a friend so i want you to laughter im going edit out anything bad you say about him. I want you to know that. Okay . laughter all right . All right . translated its okay, were making our own taping right now. cheers and applause stephen well, you will be searched before you leave the building. laughter translated weve had two years of practice hiding things for searches. cheers and applause stephen you seem like a nice couple of kids. What i dont understand is why you would be going against someone like Vladimir Putin who is just trying to preserve the peace and bring russia into a brighter future. laughter what do you have against Vladimir Putin . Hes a strong man, thats what russia needs. translated we have different ideas about Bright Future and we dont want a shirtless man on a horse leading us into future. cheers and applause stephen vladimir and i get together shirtless laughter and go hunting all the time. Sometimes we dont even get around to the hunting. laughter translated you should take some handsome boys with you. audience reacts stephen okay, lets talk about that. Lets talk about that. Here in america everybodys talking about the antigay propaganda laws back in russia. How bad has it gotten with the gay propaganda . Can you go anywhere in russia without gay people turning you gay . laughter laughter stephen that bad, eh . translated its very bad. Theyre about to make being part of the Gay Community a criminal offense. Stephen do you think many gay people will make the right decision and stop being gay . laughter translated i dont know, in our experience it just turns them on even more. laughter and applause stephen ive heard that. Ive heard that. translated and theres also a danger of a new law being passed against gay extremism. Stephen what is gay extremism . translated in the eyes of our government, it probably just means being public about being gay. Stephen so its not like gay terrorism. laughter like no glitter bombing or anything like that . translated we did Something Like that, actually, once. We kissed a female policewoman. This was even before pussy riot, we managed to kiss about 40 of them. laughter stephen and how did that go over . translated it actually was very funny. That would often take us to the side and say why do you have to do this pub n public . Stephen oh, so they were down with it, just on the d. L. . Listen, id like to hear more about that. Weve got to go to a commercial break which do they have commercial breaks in russia . translated we only have commercials for putin the great. laughter stephen all right, hopefully well have one of those right now. Well be right back with more pussy riot. Stick around. Stick around. cheers and applause while stopping at dunkin donuts, so now im sitting in the bed of my truck, sipping a latte and smiling. Mydunkin enjoy a delicious latte the next time you stop at dunkin. Share your story. Mydunkin legs up legs up legs up verizon has free tablet and free phones. Get here anyway you can. Good job free tables, free phones, on the best network. Only at verizon. Get tablets like the verizon ellipsis 7 free. And when you trade in your old smartphone you can get the Samsung Galaxy s4 free. Or the droid maxx by motorola free. Plus get a data plan with unlimited talk and text for as low as 45. This weekend only, getting free tablets and phones on the best network, thats powerful. Verizon. [ male announcer ] may your lights always be green. [ tires screech ] [ beeping ] may you never be stuck behind a stinky truck. [ beeping ] may things always go your way. But its good to be prepared. Just in case they dont. Toyota. Lets go places, safely. [ female announcer ] we eased your back pain, you turned up the fun. Tylenol® provides strong pain relief while being gentle on your stomach. But for everything we do, we know you do so much more. Tylenol®. [ female announcer ] any moment can be made better with the latest amazing creation from mccafe the new chocolate covered strawberry frappe. With real chocolate bits in every sip, it tastes like youre biting into a luscious chocolate covered strawberry. Let someone at mcdonalds make your day, with a chocolate covered strawberry frappe. Enjoy. [ female announcer ] another way to love mccafe. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody, im here with pussy riot and our translator, masha, nadya and anya, the translator. You were released from jail. Why . Youre criminals. laughter youre dangerous criminals who sing in churches. Why were you released . translated he got set up with us. Stephen but tin . translated it was mostly the prison administrators but also putin who they had to report about for everything. Stephen so would you like to say thank you Vladimir Putin for releasing me from jail . Ill give you all the time you need. translated wed much rather thank the people who have nothing to do with putin who supported us and the people in this audience in particular. cheers and applause stephen well, my folks, too, my folks, too. All right. I dont know what the russian word for pander is but laughter well done. The okay. You said that you were only released as a Public Relations stunt for the sochi olympic games. Do that you believes true . translated well, i dont think. Stephen i got that one. I not go one. I know just what youre saying. No, go ahead. translated we dont think it actually improved the image of russia so made putin made a mistake and he should just throw us back in jail. audience reacts stephen i wouldnt tempt him. translated wed much rather work on freeing the people who are still in jail who got arrested in the square on may 6 for standing up for freedom and there are 12 people in jail right now with terms ranging from five to six years. And while this is happening, no p. R. Stunt can fix russias image. Stephen what are you doing in the United States . translated weve come here to look at american prisons to talk to human rights activists, and to learn from their experience. applause stephen all right. Well im not surprised youre touring american prisons because my understanding is theyre just wonderful here. laughter translated actually, i think its great that there are a lot of problems. We look longed at some prisons in the netherlands and they were wonderful but theres such a giant gap between their wonderful prisons and our terrible prisons. Stephen i think all the prisons in the netherlands actually get to smoke pot. laughter so people have a wonderful time while theyre in there. translated yeah, we had a great time there, too. laughter and applause stephen are you afraid of being thrown back in jail . translated no. I mean, we just offered. If you want to throw us back in jail, go ahead. You should talk to Vladimir Putin. Stephen ill give him a call. You want me to put a good word in for you . All right, how many members of pussy riot are there . translated its a big secret. We cant tell you, but you need to find people in masks to learn more about pussy riot. Stephen can anyone be in pussy riots. translated of course. Even you. Stephen what . translated even you. Stephen i could be in pussy riot . cheers and applause would i know . laughter translated we could even come up with an honorary pussy riot member tradition procedure for you. laughter stephen sure, sure. translated but well talk about this only after you call putin. laughter and applause stephen ill you what, ill talk to him over the camera at the end of the show. How about that . translated okay. Stephen its a deal . Why do you call yourselves pussy riot . And you dont even say it in russian. You say it in english, right . The name of the band is pussy riot in english, right . Stephen we wanted to let englishspeaking people enjoy themselves. laughter and applause stephen good theory. Nice to see you, thank you very much. There is a word for in the russian, right . translated there are lots of words in russian. laughter Stephen Masha thank you so much, nadya thank you so much, the and thank you so much for classical piano [richard] last year,thinking they can do their own taxes, americans left behind more than a billion dollars. Thats five hundred dollars on every single seat. Not just in this stadium, but in every professional football stadium in america. This is your money. Get it back with block. Get your billion back,america. I can download anything i want. [ girl ] seriously . Thats a lot of music. Seriously. Thats insane. And its 15 bucks a month for the family. Seriously . Thats a lot of gold rope. Seriously, thats a signature look. You dont have a signature look, honey. Thats a signature look. [ male announcer ] only at t brings you beats music. Unlimited downloads for up to 5 accounts and 10 devices all for 14. 99 a month. All for 14. 99 a month. whooshing punctuated by a loud crunch. whoosh crunch whoosh crunch yeah go team team. . I saved the best for last. Stephen welcome back, everybody before we go i just want to announce that tomorrow night pussy riot will be at the Barkley Center in brooklyn for bringing human rights back home concert with imagine dragons, flaming lips, loren hill, madonna and much, much more. Now, only a personal note i just want to say, vladimir, i dont ask much and i dont ask often, you leave those girls alone cheers and applause thats it for the report, everybody cheers and applause good night [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. [cheers and applause] oh, weve got a special one for you tonight. The new york mayor bill deblasio, the mayor of new york, bill deblasio will be here. Super bowl last night