Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140523

Jon childish words, popping up on buildings and signs all over. Police say theres nothing funny about this. You can see behind me the discolored bricks, that graffiti has already been cle cheers and applause stephen tonight, health care for our armed forces. Does obama remember to do scheduled maintenance on our drones . laughter then are some questions better left unanswered . And my guest, the honorable ray mabus is the United States secretary of navy. I will ask him cheers and applause laughter the Restaurant Industry says fast food workers could soon be replaced by robots. Unfortunately, even robots cant live on minimum wage. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the respect, everybody. Thank you so much. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. cheers and applause . Folks folks, i gotta tell you, ive got to tell you it is not often that an audience loves me so much i can hear it with my deaf ear. cheers and applause . Nation, i i gotta tell you, folks, i am furious at barack obama. laughter and i am vicefurious at joe biden. It seems like every day, another federal agency reveals their lack of leadership. Case in point the bureau of engraving and printing has just produced a portrait of chief Justice Roberts that in no way captures the elfin twinkle in his eye. laughter this kind of work, and im supposed to spend the money these people print . No thanks. And now it turns out that the department of Veterans Affairs is lousy at helping veterans or their affairs. laughter . Stunning new revelations in the scandal rocking the Veterans Affairs department. A cnn investigation found 40 veterans died at the phoenix v. A. While awaiting treatment. There was a secret hidden list, hiding the fact that everywheres were waiting up to 21 months to see a doctor. Stephen yes, a secret list to see a doctor though they should have been tipped off by the bouncers outside the o. R. laughter there are now similar claims in 12 states, and the American Legion has called for the secretary of Veterans Affairs, eric shinseki, to resign. So far he has refused, probably because he knows once he retires, hell have to use health care from the v. A laughter applause worst of all, for years, the president claimed he would fix this. When a veteran is denied care, were all dishonored. The service men and women who embody whats best about america should get the best care we have to offer, and that is what i will provide when i am president. Lets keep taking care of our extraordinary military families. This leads me to another promise i made four years ago upholding americas sacred trust with our veterans. I promise to strengthen the v. A. , and that promise has been kept. Stephen yes, that promise has been kept, but hes evidently forgotten where hes keeping it. laughter maybe they should check the shoe box in the back of the white house closet labeled to do. laughter now, get this, the obama people now say the president first learned of these newalses from cnn. He had no clue whats going on in his own administration. Heres an idea get the n. S. A. To start spying on wolf blitzer. laughter applause fair warning, guys. cheers and applause . Fair warning fair warning, n. S. A. Bring some nodoz. laughter the only other way the Obama Administration could have known about this is when the the Bush Administration told them about it. This memo, prepared for president elect obamas Transition Team by the george w. Bush administration, outlined the difficulties veterans faced in obtang Timely Health care. It urged the Veterans Administration to properly document desired appointment dates and ensure patient waiting times are accurate. Failure to do so, the memo warned, would affect quality of care bay dlieg and potentially denying deserving veterans timely care. Stephen there was a memo. It warned them. Bush even personalized it p. S. v. A. Totally effd up. See ya. Wouldnt want to be ya. Smiley face. cheers and applause . Folks, these veterans are suffering under obamas watch, after he declared them a top priority, and his team had been alerted to misconduct. Do you know what that means . It means we finally have a real scandal. A real scandal jimmy derrog them whooo whooo whooo folks, i have waited so long. laughter i know ive cried wolf before what with benghazi and the i. R. S. And the a. P. , and fast and furious, and solyndra and obamas uncle, and obamas aunt, and obamas birth certificate. I even i even cried wolf about the secret white house wolf. But this one is different. Its backed up by eyewitnesses and documents and the betrayal of sick veterans. Its like christmas morning. laughter and thats why i cannot believe i am going to say that we cannot talk about this scandal. You see, we americans made a deal with the veterans. We start two wars. They lay their lives on the line while we lay on our asses on the couch watching the bachelor. applause i still have flashbacks whenever i hear the words, juan pablo. In return we say thank you for your service. And thats about it. Yes, ticker tape parade would have been but in our Paperless Society we would probably just throw the ipads out the window and somebody could get hurt. And thats not good, because i hear v. A. Health care is pretty bad. cheers and applause and if we talk about the v. A. Scandal, what are we going to talk about next, the war in afghanistan . I just found out weve got over 30,000 troops still over there. Cost me 40 bucks at my bars trivia night. So, veterans, as much as this is a real scandal and it is i dont want to talk about it. Here to make me talk about it is the founder of the iraq and afghanistans veteran of america, paul rieckhoff. Paul, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you, stephen, great to talk to you. Stephen good to see you. Paul, paul, do we really have to talk about the v. A. . Yes, absolutely, yes. Stephen but how much longer, how much longer do we have to talk about the veterans . Its memorial day weekend. Ive got a picnic to go to. Well, were going to have to talk about it for decades. These veterans are going to be around fair long time and theyre amazing leaders and they deserve this countrys full care and support and, unfortunately, when youre at your picnic or at the beach, a lot of our veterans this weekend will be at arlington paying their respects to their friends that they lost. Its about time this country stepped up. You have been great great. I have to give you credit. Thank you for supporting our veterans. Youve always had our backs and we appreciate that. But now its time for america to follow your lead, stephen. Stephen all right, i wish america would be more like me. Thank you, paul. How big of a scandal is this on a scale of 1 to benghazi. Oh, well, you know, if benghazi is a political headache, this is going to be a stroke. I mean, this is is not going away. Its really bad. It affects millions of veterans who use the v. A. Care. Its been in 10 cities already. We think there may be more. And the Inspector General at the Veterans Affairs department is now inspecting 26 cities. So our members, hundreds of thousand of them nationwide are outraged. Theyre betrayed. And we need real leadership and reform and action from shinseki and the president. Stephen there has been a scandal, mismanagement at the v. A. Since i was a kid. Why has this one broken through . I think this the country is paying attention because 40 veterans may have died waiting and there may be veterans dying in other cities. Maybe its a perfect storm. Maybe the country is finally fed up hearing story after story from the v. A. About how our veterans are being neglected and disappointed and make we can finally break through. If theres a Silver Lining its the country wakes up and understands our veterans a tremendous resource. They deserve a v. A. That works. Were not asking fair lot here. cheers and applause . Stephen all right. The president said the president said he did not hear about this particular scandal until he saw it on cnn. Right. Stephen can you believe that . Can you believe that people are watching cnn . laughter well, you know, what . Now cnns finally got something to cover other the plane. And this is a real issue. Theyve been aggressive on it. And other folks in the media have been aggressive on it. And this is not going to go away. Even if the headlines fade we need everybody to continue to step up, hold people in washington accountable and support our veterans every day of the year. Stephen let me ask you a question they would only ask because this is have a satellite and youre hundreds of miles away. Is the v. A. Health care system the reason your youre still wg for that hair transplant . No, but you know what, stephen . Thats okay. You know what, stephen, i think its about time you shaved your head again . And you can do it for Charity Cheers and applause we could hook you up. You looked pretty good. And were happy to hook you up. Stephen maybe next time if youre not here by satellite. Paul rieckhoff, the ia v. A. Thank you, paul. Lookin good, flo feelin good feelin real good [ engine revs ] boat protection people love. Now, thats progressive. Call or click today. Was killed june 28,2005 in afghanistan. My husbands death was the hardest thing ive ever faced. The special Operations Warrior Foundation stepped in to help. Now you can help, too. Purchase new cherry 5hour energy now through july thirtyfirst and a portion of each sale benefits special Operations Warrior Foundation to help families of fallen heroes. I will always miss my dad, but thanks to special Operations Warrior Foundation i will never feel alone. Oh, hi there bill. Hey are you in town for another meeting . Yup, i brought my ateam. Make the most of the weekend before its gone. This is my family. This is joe. Hi joe hi there be a weekender and book your stay at hampton. Feel the hamptonality. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. Folks, i dont know about you, but i for one cannot wait for the 2016 president ial elections because the potential republican candidates are an embarrassment of riches, as opposed to 2012 candidates, a rich embarrassment superpower and im especially intrigued by florida senator and a man legally old enough to be president , marco rubio. Of course, when it comes to republicans, the media askstapo is always playing you its gotcha games. But rubio is no rube eo. Young voters have asked me and theyre curious to know. Have you ever smoked marijuana . You know why i never answer that question . If i tell you i havent, you wont believe me. Stephen yeah, nobody would ever believe this guys not a stoner. I mean we all saw his nationally televised epic case of cotton mouth. But, rubio cant admit that hes burpd down. Hes trying to win over republicans, the party that brought us just say no, first as a drugless and then as their entire platform. cheers and applause . Thats why he is always ready to not answer that question. If i tell you that i havent, you wont believe me. And if i tell you that i did, then kids will look up to me and say i can smoke marijuana because look how he made it. Stephen yeah, think of the message that would send all the teen girls staring up at his poster on their broo bedroom was because rubios youth appeal has had negative consequences before. When i wrote my book american son, i had a segment in the book how i wasnt a very Good High School student. I had a 2. 1 gpagoofed around in class. One day somebody said i enjoyed your book but my son came up to me and said he doesnt have to get good grades in high school because look at marco rubio. He didnt do well in high school and look how successful he has been. Stephen see, kids might like at rubios success and say maybe i can save money by cutting my own hair, too. cheers and applause . The point is the point is he is not going to misuse his status as a youth icon to hook kids on drugs. When it comes to the question of whether hes ever smoked pot, rubios official position is he would like to be president. And that is a message of hope that is resonating with kids all over america, like the young man i mentor, david. David, come on out here. David, everybody. cheers and applause . David, thanks very much. Have a seat there, david. David is a good kid. David is part of my urban outreach program. laughter where i reach out of the urban areas into some wealthier suburbs. Thanks for being here, david. Thank you, stephen. Stephen david, youre a huge marco rubio fan, right . Yeah, because hes so successful. Go you know my man rube dog helped drop the Senate Immigration bill before backing away from it ultimately voting for it only to see it go nowhere in the house. Hes the man haug laughter cheers and applause stephen okay, okay, but, david, do you slack off in school because you heard senator rubio did . Stephen, let me tell you why i never answer that question. If i said im not slacking off, you wouldnt believe me. And if i did say i was slacking off i would be set a bad example for the middle school kids who look up to me because im in high school. Stephen oh oh okay. So are you not answering my questions because youre influenced by marco rubios not answering questions . Let me you why im not going to answer that question, stephen. If i tell you stephen all right, all right, thats enough, david. Just answer this much do you, a young person who will be able to vote in 2016, think marco rubio could be elected president . What are you high . laughter let me tell you why im not going to answer that question. Stephen well be right back. cheers and applause . The car with an estimated 45 miles per gallon highway. The car with almost 900 miles between fillups. The car road track called americas most fuel efficient new car, isnt a prius. Surprised . State of the art clean diesel technology. A fuelefficient eco start stop system. Engineered to virtually sip fuel. The mercedesbenz e250 bluetec. Defying expectations. Again. Abecause the more you know, the more we can help you. Cut. Lower. Shave. Chop. And drop your insurance rates. If you want to save hundreds, talk to farmers. We are farmers bum pa dum, bum bum bum bum [announcer] the more you know, the more you could save. Farmers could help you save hundreds on your auto insurance. Call your local agent or 18004708496 today. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Our 3 sixinch select of may. Load up this lowfat favorite with all the veggies you love like baby spinach and crisp cucumbers. Even try it fresh toasted on flatbread and its still surprisingly only 3. Subway. Eat fresh. What is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together the Fastest Internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future he has a phaser its not a phaser its my phone he can use his voice to control the tv. You can use your woice . My voice. Your woice. My voice. Vuh, voice. His voice. Your woice . Look. Watch scifi. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is secretary of the navy, ray mabus. cheers and applause secretary maybus, thanks so much for coming on. Sir, nice to have you on. Glad to be here. Stephen happy fleet week. Thank you. Its a great, great fleet week. Stephen it absolutely is. But, please, be careful out there. I dont want to see you in a little sailor suit running around town singing, new york, new york. All right . Deal, neither should you. Stephen stay away from the painted ladies. Now, secretary of the navy, were you in the navy . Yes, four year 40 years ago. Stephen what was your rank . Lieutenant j. G. On a cruiser in the north atlantic. Stephen does it feel good now to be head man . Yeah. Stephen do you wish you could get in a time machine and go back and say, hang in there, buddy. You get to boss these people around later. The most amazed people were the people on my ship when i got appointed on this job. Stephen did they testify against you in front of the senate . If they were still alive. Oooooh stephen he means how old they are. All right, all right. Okay. The navy. The navy. Stephen the navy, you guys got you got you got boats for the water. You got seals for the land. You got jets for the sky. Do we need the other branches of the military . Or can the navy just handle all of it . You know, weve got the marine corps, too. Stephen right. Sure. Stephen so together, under the department of the navy, have you guys got it covered . Were the greatest fighting force the world has ever known. Stephen how does the army feel about that . But we need our sister services. Stephen you need them . We need our sister services. We need a great army. We need a great air force. Stephen how is the navy doing right now . How many shippedz do we have . We have 289 ships and building to 306 by the end of the decade. Stephen what are the extra ones on top there, all aircraft carries, right . Not quite. Stephen how many aircraft carriers do we have . 11. Stephen my understanding is we request park one of those bad boys off the coast of any country and shut down their air space. We can park one of those almost anywhere and do whatever we need to do cheers and applause my favorite recruiting poster is a carrier stryker with all the planes, and it says, sometimes we follow the storm to the shore. Sometimes we are the storm. cheers and applause stephen that, for any of the sailors here for fleet week, thats a great pickup line. cheers and applause . Okay, now, okay, modern warfare. Do we need a massive navy anymore . Weve been fighting a lot of wars, and some kind of dusty, dry places that it would be hard to bring a boat its hard to bring a boat all the way to kabul. Do we need a big navy anymore . We need a big navy because 90 brs of the worlds trade travels by sea. 95 of our telecommunications go under the sea. Keeping the sea lane open, our presence around the world to deter folks from doing bad things, to reassure people that are our allies, we need a great navy. Weve got a Maritime Defense strategy now. Stephen is it Global Warming good for you guys . Because with rising sea levels, there will be more ocean for you to navy in . laughter applause cheers 50 years from now, 50 years from now, fleet week is going to be in columbus, ohio. Thats why one of our biggest bases is in indiana. Stephen is it really . Yeah. Stephen theres a naval base in indiana . Yeah. Stephen thats a good congressman. cheers and applause . Thats a really good congressman. Wow. We do have more ocean to navy on, and when the as the ice is melting in the arctic, our responsibilities increase. 40 of 70 of the world lives within 40 miles of an ocean. So as sea levels rise, instability flsz. That gives us more responsibilities. Stephen you get to you get to name ships, dont you . I do. Stephen you know what sounds really good cheers and applause the ussstephen colbert. Doesnt that just roll off your tongue . applause . You know, it does. The only problem is you have to be dead first. Stephen oh like super dead . Or just a little dead . You know, we can make exceptions. cheers and applause . Stephen secretary maybus, thank you so much for joining me. Secretary of the navy, ray mabus. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause [ male announcer ] there is no substitute for experience. For what reality teaches you firsthand. In the face of danger, and under the most demanding circumstances. Experience builds character. Experience builds confidence. And experience. Has built this. The 2014 glk. The engineering and the experience of mercedesbenz. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. To pitch in for an industrialsized smoker. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time. And 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. All with no hoops to jump through. Norm used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to enter the bbq masters invitational. Where he smoked 40 pounds of ribs and the competition. Thats the satisfaction of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. The annual company retreat. Planned, as usual, by this guy. Nature lover. People person. And you put up with it all. Because he also booked you a room. At this place. Planet earths number one accomodation site booking. Com booking. Yeah ohoh, oh, oh, la, lala, lala, lala nanana, nanananana some things just go together, like auto and home insurance. Bundle them together at progressive, and you save big on both. Oh, ohoh, oh, oh hey, its me [ whistles ] and theres my dog [gasps] theres my steps i should stop talking. Perfectly paired savings. Now, thats progressive. cheers and applause . Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Well see you in a captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [ ] [all chattering] annie, two gifts . Thank you. I wanted to get a doll, and since the father might be andre or chang, i wanted all ethnic bases covered. So theres a little africanamerican girl. And a letter from the manufacturer promising to expand their selection. Oh, is everyone enjoying their egg rolls and or mieliepap, a traditional maize porridge popular in ghana