Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140901

Worst of all, isis has now attracted the most violent, heavilyarmed people on earth americans. New details emerging about american jihadist douglas mccain. He wasnt the only terrorist to come from robbinsdale Coopers High School in minnesota. We now know troy castagar who went overseas to fight an Al Quaida Group with mccains classmate. Could there be a third terrorist athill robbinsdale coopers . This gunmen is wearing a shirt saying cooper hawks, the same as the high school mascot. Stephen cooper hawks they leave it all out on the field. Especially after a drone strike. Their prom theme this year was israel under the sea. laughter and while isis is a relatively new terror group, this conflict has its roots in the seventhcentury sunnishiite split, with sunnis following muhammeds fatherinlaw abu bakr, while shiites follow muhammeds soninlaw ali. So, in other words, this is obamas fault. The man is derelict in his duties to get ahead of this problem and rough ticket the homeland. Its a dangerous world. Everyone is holding their breath. For the president not to act politically, act like the man of the house and protect your family the United States here before its too late stephen yeah, act like a man step up. Take what you want. Yes, you wanted to bomb syria last year and we said no, but sometimes no means yes. cheers and applause this guy needs a hard dose of reality. Right, woman who lives in a world of imagination . Can i make a request . We get netanyahu, putin in for 48 hours, head of the United States, i dont know, just want somebody to get in here and get it done right stephen yes putin or netanyahu, or better yet, combine them into president netanputhu shirtless, but with nipple yarmulkes. laughter applause come in handy if youre running a marathon or something. But as long as were making bleep up, as a conservative, my allegiance is with an even greater imaginary leader ronald reagan. hes the one we should be pretending is stopping this crisis. And Newt Gingrich agrees yesterday, newt posted a lengthy fake speech he imagines reagan would give if he were still around. And it is exactly what reagan would say if he were still alive, and somehow still president serving a ninth term at the age of 103. Quoth reagan, quoth newt defeating terrorists and blackmailers is nothing new in american history. Jefferson hated war and loved peace. He also understood that there were times when vicious opponents give peaceloving people no choice but to engage in just war. And if newt knows exactly how jefferson felt, im sure he will also write a fictional speech that jefferson would have given in 1984, when reagan decided to get our marines the hell out of lebanon. Fake jefferson would be just as disappointed in real reagan as fake reagan is in real obama. I can only imagine what newt will imagine fake obama will one day say about the mideast policy of president blue ivy. applause laughter nation, i, too, can imagine our way to a better world because, i, like Newt Gingrich, believe we can defeat isis with the power of makebelieve. Remember, in 1938, the radio broadcast of war of the worlds managed to convince thousands of americans that aliens were attacking. We can do the same thing to isis and convince them that reagan is back in charge. like old timey announcer. we interrupt this broadcast of the colbert report to bring you a special bulletin from the intercontinental radio news. At ten minutes after 11 00, eastern time, a huge flaming object fell on a farm in the neighborhood of grovers mill, new jersey. Observers reported that it was, in fact, ronald reagan. President reagan immediately mounted a nearby stallion and began riding toward the white house. horsegalloping noise he then dismounted, walking over some dry leaves. crunches in a thunderstorm. metal sheet before getting on a train. train effect and then reagan threw open the doors to the white house. door opening sound strode to the podium. shoes and said mwah, see . Im in charge around here, see . Listen up, isis, amscra, why doncha . Or ill give ya the business tear down that wall daddy wants some jellybeans mwah laughter give daddy a kiss, nancy with isis defeated, reagan stepped down from the podium and walked off into the setting sun, joined by peter and a friendly duck. clarinet song from peter and the wolf take that, isis well be right back. cheers and applause [robotic sounds] guess what . Im not a real human man. But i use old spice body wash and deodorant together and now im really cool. I got it, dudes. Oww i think you crushed some of my ribs. Mmmm, you smell amazing. Thank you. Id get off of you, but i cant get up. Maybe i dont want you to. Okay. How cool is it that new lets us create our own pizza. And use delicious digiorno toppings like pepperoni, sausage, and peppers. And we made it look just like. Billy . i dont see it. New digiorno design a pizza kit lets you create the pizza you want. Thankfully its not delivery, its digiorno. Can i pet your cloud please . Sure [ rumbling ] woah aah he doesnt like to be touched there. Mmm [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow taste the rainbow. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much you know, folks, i dont think it comes to a surprise that i enjoy a libation from time to time. Theres nothing like a stiff drink for relaxing at the end of a stressful day, or to take the edge off while driving your car through a crowded city park. But lets face it drinking can be complicated. Wheres the bottle opener bottle opener . Which glass do i use . Who is that guy on trishs Facebook Page . Is that danny from work . what happened to us . We were gonna go camping. I bought a canoe. Fortunately, theres a new device that takes all the guesswork out of getting boozejuice into your mouthhole. Jim . What if there was a brand new way to enjoy your alcholic beverages that will get the Party Started faster and wont slow you down. Introducting vapeshot vaporizing spirits. Now you can enjoy vaporized alcohol any time at home or one of your awesome parties. Vapeshot mini is designed to vaporize alcohol that you can enjoy with a straw. It hits you instantly and kickstarts your buzz. Stephen thats right cheers and applause vaporized alcohol finally, something that combines the elegance of drinking with the convenience of huffing paint. Best part is, its so easy to use, any minor could do it. Just invite over your favorite aunt, the one device who buys chardonnay in bulk. Have her fill it with vodka, replace the cover, insert the injector into the bottle, press the button. Count to 20, twist the top and prestomisto boom you are ready to inhale your way to a free ambulance ride. laughter and parents, you can rest assured the vapeshot mini is perfectly safe, as proven by a chart. Vapeshot isthe only Laboratory Product for vaporizing alcohol using Information Published by osha, one of the most respected. Agencies for safety. Vapeshot is well within the acceptable levels for inhaling alcohol. Stephen yes applause look at that laughter yes. According to this factory air pollutant graph, vapeshot will have you partying laughter cheers and applause vapeshot will have you partying nearly as hard as the cleaning crew at a poorly ventilated acetone plant. laughter but if anything, the squares at the Occupational Safety and Health Administration are playing it too safe. Look at that gap or as i call it, the brain cell bermuda triangle. laughter theres so much more fun you could probably nonfatally have. Just ignore the very beginning of the chart where vapeshot is outside the safety zone. Nothing to worry about. Only the first vapeshot will kill you, but after that, youre in the clear laughter applause of course, when we factchecked that chart, osha told us they dont know what vapeshot is basing their information on. Vapeshot may have faked their chart . That is very sobering. But not for long. laughter the important thing is, no matter how dangerous it isnt, vapeshot gets you crunked fast according to vapeshots website. Normally when you take a drink, it has to go into your mouth, down your throat, into. Your stomach, then intestines and finally into your bloodstream to your lungs and brain. That takes a long time and a whole lot more alcohol to have the same effect. Vapeshot introduces the alcohol directly into the blood stream through the lungs which is very efficient. laughter yes efficient so you can be the first at the party to be passed out with a penis drawn on your face applause laughter but, folks, dont take my word for it. Listen to someone who vapeshot didnt consult in. Their commercial an actual doctor. The normal sensation when you drink and you get you feel like youre more drunk is to vomit. Its your bodys way of expelling alcohol. However, when you inhale alcohol, your brain has no way of expelling it. So dont worry about praying to the porcelain god. With vapeshot, you just might get to meet the real thing. laughter and at only 899, what are you waiting for . Order your vapeshot today vapeshot because lungs dont vomit. Well be right back. Act i. Scene 3. Open port twentytwoohoneseven on the firewall for customer db access. 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Hot pockets got protein to pleeease hey pinata i got energyyy from premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. My hot pockets from premium hickory ham and 100 real cheese. [laughs] when were having this much fun, why quit . And bounty has no quit in it either. Watch how one sheet of bounty keeps working, while their two sheets, just quit. Bounty, the noquit pickerupper. Build your own chicken wraps or loaded breakfast sandwich. Only 4 each. Good eye, and very budgetconscious of you. Does that mean i can get that new laptop . How about a shake instead . [bell rings] waitress welcome to dennys its a powerful reflection of validayour drive to succeed. Nts. So, forget the gold watch; grab the brass ring. You dont need anyone to tell you that success is yours, because youre busy. Seizing it. Drafting it. Tuning it. Making it. The new 2015 cadillac ats. Stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is a french photographer famous for his portraits of ordinary people. That is groundbreaking its like a selfie of someone else please welcome j. R. cheers and applause stephen j. R. , thank you for coming on sit down now, for those of you who may not know or did not know before i was introduced to you, you are a semianonymous french street artists, right . Right, well say that. Stephen youve installed work in paris, the middle east and the largest illegal photography exhibition also the winner of the 2011 ted prize. When you say semianonymous, because you let people see you but you dont want to say your name or let people know who you are . I started from graffiti, so most of what i did was not really legal laughter stephen so are you a criminal . speaking with french accent depending on which country. Stephen how about the United States . The United States has been nice to me, for now. Stephen you do like to hide your identity . Lets say when you draw a portrait on the wall in china, you better not put your name on the wall. Stephen we will not review your true name and have disguised your voice with that outrageous accent laughter applause stephen tell the team some of the art you do. Jim, lets see if art here. This is an installation you did in Rio De Janeiro . Yes. Stephen whats being done here . This is in a province in rio, and those are faces and eyes of women from the community, that are the pillars of their community, but when you look in the middle, you only see violence. Stephen very dangerous. It is, but about 80 of the population are having a normal life. Thats what i wanted to high light. This is brazil. Stephen why women . You know, because when i was looking at tv, all i was seeing was men with girls and drugs, and when i went there, i actually saw women carrying their community, carrying their children. Stephen these are ordinary people applause why not these are ordinary people. Why not take pictures of famous peopler celebrities . laughter because, a, we know how to get photographs and, b, people love looking at us. Even shakespeare wrote about kings and queens. Why make your art about women nobody looks at . When i went there first, i didnt see you. Stephen you didnt invite me laughter heres another one you did, this is in the west bank and israel. Yes. Stephen these are photographs of israelis and palestinians doing the exact same job. So these guys might have the same job on either side of the wall. Exactly. Stephen whats your point . laughter so, basically, imagine i take this fan colbert in palestine and in israel, both are doing the same job stephen two of me. One next to each other. I put them in the street. I say, who is who . And most of the time people cannot recognize who is the israeli and who is the palestinian. Stephen you tell me what side theyre on, ill tell you whos right laughter are you saying that you can judge a book by its cover . Not exactly. I think im saying that the enemy are not necessarily who we think they are. These people have crazy pictures and when you place it right in front of their face, theres not that much difference. So an israeli and palestinians in different places, its almost impossible to tell. But people like to do that. Stephen people like that . People, when i came back here, they told me, you know, people didnt shoot you . laughter i even got sun burned. I went on holiday, came back. I said, the people, theyre the one with their face on the wall while im here having a drink with you. Stephen you want to humanize the people who are being affected by war, in this case, or these are some people go to the next one, jim these are people inspired by you and approved by you in pakistan who put up the face of a little girl, a giant portrait they made in a field for the Drone Operators or people who live here to show them who live here . Because this is the place where drones fly. Right. I went and i never had drones flying over my head. All i know is i was the guy flying the drone, if i cant see the faces, i cant imagine the damage im doing. They printed it themselves. You have to do it only if its art and thats what they did and placed it themselves. And its been printed by hundreds of millions of people around the world and the media. Stephen seems what youre saying here is that i have to consider every person as human. laughter that i cant just think of people as part of a population or a statistic. So theres nobody i cant accidentally kill in a war and still feel good about that war. No. Stephen is that what youre saying . Are you saying anybody who dice in a war thats justified , no the question thats raised is, stephen you ask questions that dont give answers. I dont want any questions, ill tell you the answer. Thats artist pundit. Exactly. Stephen we go well together. Together. J. R. , everyb its back, but not for long. Olive gardens buy one, take one, starting at just 12. 99. Choose from a variety of entrees to enjoy today. Like new creamy citrus chicken, and take home a second entree free buy one, take one starting at just 12. 99. At olive garden. [robot sounds] i love human women, so i use old spice products all over my body to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken . It is now. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. Stephen thats the report, everybody raise the flag now pledge with me all hail to the mother [bleep] [screams indistinctly] [crowd ohs] [cheers and applause] [mocking scream] [laughter] i love that song. Welcome to tosh. 0. No women were involved in the making of this program. [laughter] thats how you do it, daily show. Tonight we find out if the world of warcraft freak out kid is for real. I make a speed run video. And i let you know which celebrities i can beat up. Now lets head back to that concert. Now pledge with me all hail to the mother [bleep] [screams indistinctly] [crowd ohs] just when the song was getting really good. [laughter] i couldnt even tell if that was a bloodcurdling scream or just how the song goes . [laughter] dick vomit is not good live. Thats their name. Its dick vomit. [laughter] why cant that happen to katy perry . [laughter] are they performing at an aquarium . [laughter] whats with the stingray mural . Nothing says death metal like an aquatic themed backdrop. [laughter] be careful guys. That could really put a damper on that onecity tour. [laughter] do you think they have tshirts and they just put the one city on it . [laughter] the aquarium downtown. [laughter] no man should ever want to go to the mall this badly. Why are you closed . Tell us why youre closed tell us why youre closed try pushing. Why are you closed . I want to go shopping in the eaton center why are you lock why are you closing your doors . He knows theres no boss of the mall, right . Why . Why . Why are you closed . Someones addicted to wetzels pretzels. Why are you lock why are you closing your doors . Tell us the reason