Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140917

Jon thats our show. Join us tonight at 11 00. Here it is, your moment of zen. Im sick and tired of the cat and mouse game. Let the mouse run, maybe i will, maybe i wont. Hillary is the same stephen tonight, obama unveils his plan to fight i. S. I. S. While i. S. I. S. Unveils their plan to veil everyone. laughter then advice for a struggling restaurant chain. Three words cheesefilled forks. laughter and my guests tonight, unlocking the truth, are a heavy metal band made up of 12 and 13yearolds. They available for their own bar mitzvahs. laughter ryan gosling has welcomed his firstborn child into the world. Wait what do you call a baby gosling . laughter this is the colbert report eagle caw cheers and applause audience chanting Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everyone thank you so much for joining us cheers and applause stephen thank you folks, thank you so much i tell you, these people out there, they are the ones generating all the energy and all the heroism these are the itgetters i just ride the waves of their truth. Nation, i hope i dont have to tell you that america faces an existential threat from the brutal terrorists in i. S. I. S. , also known as the islamic state. laughter by the way, that is not safety school. laughter i. S. I. S. Has become my official numberone enemy. Youre off the hook for now, raisins in salad. laughter now, president pacifist has finally declared kindasorta war, which i kindasorta support. laughter i know some of you are asking, doesnt he need congressional approval to declare war . To which i respond, shut up, greg. laughter Congress Already gave president obama all the authority he needs back when he was a better president. laughter jim . It is the view of this administration that the 2001aumf continues to apply to i. S. I. L. Stephen yes, the authorization for the use of military force or aumf aumf still applies to i. S. I. S. , even though aumfcording to the aumf laughter the president s authorized to use all necessary and appropriate force against those nations, organizations or persons he determines planned, authorized, committed or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred on september 11, 2001. Of course, i. S. I. S. Didnt attack us in 2001. That was al quaida. But the president fixed that. I. S. I. L. Is a terrorist organization, pure and simple. It was formerly al quaidas affiliate in iraq. Stephen okay. I. S. I. S. Was affiliated with al quaida so theyre bombable. laughter its like if Congress Gave the president authorization to bomb nirvana in 1994, he could still blow up the foo fighters today. laughter after all, they have declared jihad on foo applause they have declared jihad on foo laughter now, while i fully support the president s plan of doing this with drone strikes, some oppose it. First of all, me. Also, South Carolina senator and your disapproving aunt, lindsey graham. laughter its going to take an army to beat an army. This idea well never have any boots on the ground to defeat them in syria is fantasy. Our strategy will fail yet again. The president needs to rise to the occasion before we all get killed back here at home. laughter applause stephen were all gonna die hes so brave up there laughter and worst of all no one will be alive to blame it on obama laughter hes so brave to stay up there. Because its true without Ground Forces in syria, every man, woman and child in the united states, including puerto rico, guam and american samoa, are dead men walking. Those 30,000 i. S. I. S. Fighters will kill all 300 million of us over columbus day weekend. laughter for that matter, we could all be dead by the end of this sentence. Okay. We dodged a bullet this time, but we could be dead by the end of this sentence. laughter okay. Were living on borrowed time. laughter unless im dead right now. I mean, this feels like heaven. laughter applause folks folks thank you. audience chanting stephen thank you, folks. I agree with you. But while i applaud my fellow south cackalackians statesmanlike pantscrapping, please do not panic. Hmm that really does not sound like me. laughter nope. Same as always. 106. 2. Laugh and heres why you shouldnt panic because we will have Ground Forces, thanks to our closest ally anyone who will do it. The president has ruled out u. S. Combat troops and will rely on the iraqi army and the socalled moderate syrian opposition. Kurdish Peshmerga Forces are fighting on the front lines. The peshmerga will be the boots on the ground. Stephen yes, the iraqi army, the moderate syrian opposition, and something called the kurdish peshmerga. Which i believe is an aggressive and highlylethal type of yogurt. laughter nation, i always support our troops and, apparently, these are them now. And i would buy each and every one of them a beer, or whatever muslims are allowed to drink. Im gonna say, peshmerga . And if were going into syria, the key is the moderate syrian opposition, whom the New York Times describes as a Diverse Group riven by infighting, with no shared leadership. Good. If movies have taught us anything, its that a ragtag band of underdogs can overcome any odds. laughter i say this war in syria will be just like e expendables 3, an expensive sequel that no one will want to see. Plus, weve got a number of arab partners. That number . Imaginary. The Obama Administration is so far unwilling to name those arab partners. But as one Senior State Department official put it, i dont want to leave you with the impression that these arab members havent offered to do airstrikes, because several of them have. Stephen there it is. An anonymous official is telling us that our unnamed arab patters in definitely maybe wont not contribute something laughter and that quote raise as lot of questions. First and foremost what the hell is going on in that cnn graphic . We see a globe, highlighting the region in question, suddenly a gentle breeze blows a quote onto the desk of World Affairs through a gentle rain of magical news dust. laughter thats cnn 24hour coverage of whatever floats by. And the reporting is deadon laughter applause we have confirmed the reporting is deadon because my Graphics Team can also confirm that the boston globe now reports that, while traveling through europe and the middle east in order to mobilize support for the operation against i. S. I. S. , Anonymous State Department sources, when pushed for specifics on the extent of arab nation involvement, be it air support, ground support, logistics or technical support, apparently, did not say which arab nations had offered to carry out airstrikes. applause point is, the administration that was like 200 manhours of rendering. laughter point is, the administration wont identify our arab partners. But they swear we have tons of them out there. And theyre willing to do all kinds of stuff with us. Just like the other member of the coalition, our hot canadian girlfriend. Shes real. She just cant visit because shes in school. But shes going to help us fight i. S. I. S. I swear laughter laughter well be right back. door bell rings trick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm this jolly rancher. S for untamed fruit flavor. Tmobiles network has more data capacity than verizon or at t. Its a network designed differently. A Network Designed Data strong. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Thank you so much thank you cheers and applause thanks so much folks, i love the olive garden. It really evokes the authentic cuisine of one of my favorite spots in italy the olive garden in rome. laughter and like the slogan says, when im there, im family. Which is why, when im there, i watch tv in my underwear. laughter unfortunately, my favorite chain just got kicked in the meet in the meatballs. A major investor attempting a takeover of olive garden releasing 300 pages that slam the restaurant chains food and service. The Investment Group ripped into the company for everything from soggy salads to tasteless pasta. In what would be a dangerous insult to hurl at most italian cooks, it calls the pasta mushy and unappealing. They might as well say were not even italian. Stephen of course, olive garden is italian their Corporate Headquarters are in orlando. That is mere miles from epcot italy laughter the report is all part of the hedge fund starboard values aggressive attempt to take control of the Olive Gardens parent company, darden restaurants. Its a hostilepitaliano takeover laughter starboard laid out their case in an allyoucaneat powerpoint presentation. Slide 164 asks how does the largest italian dining concept in the world not salt the water for pasta . Adding if you were to google how to cook pasta, the first step of pasta 101 is to salt the water. Jon first of all, i think its pretty clear. Nobody at olive garden is googling how to cook pasta. And maybe they dont salt the water, but they make up for that by putting salt in Everything Else the sauce, the salad, the soft drinks, the salt. Believe me, nobody has ever left the olive garden saying i need more sodium. But heres where starboard went overboard. One Hedge Fund Says it has the answer of Olive Gardens money woes too many breadsticks. Starboard value says Olive Gardens servers bring too many breadsticks to the table at a time. Who knew there was such a thing as too many breadsticks stephen what the bleep starboard wants to stop the unlimited breadsticks . What are we supposed to do now . Eat limited bread in nonstick form . What are we . Animals . Folks, i am shocked by this blatant attempt by a few wall street bigshots to take away our carbohydrate rods. You know, i always thought Hedge Fund Managers were on the side of the little guy. But im beginning to wonder whether wall street really has everyones best interests at heart. laughter destroying the World Economy is one thing, but i draw the line when they come for my complimentary dinner rods. Wall street, dont you realize youre meddling with forces beyond your comprehension . The only thing preventing the masses from rising up against you was that they were all too logy from the breadsticks. laughter but now its go time. I say we bring down the wall street fat cat portionlimitstapo. Whos with me . cheers and applause lets get em cheers and applause you know, scratch that. I just gotta unbutton my pants for a minute. Well be right back. Its the candy bar thats too hot for tv, in all its naked glory; stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. I read most of the book. Having a baby isnt gonna be that hard. You didnt read the book. I read some of the book. s alproper nutrition. Red. Keeping the romance alive. Level 7 and setting a good example. Daddys trying. We are so ready for this. Life can surprise you. So can an allstate agent. From savings on a new car, to discounts on a great car seat. The good hands are doing more than ever before. The all new, head turning cadillac ats coupe. Its irresistible. Stephen my guests tonight are a between metal band who have opened for guns and roses and motorhead. Or as they call them, a bunch of old men. Please welcome unlocking the truth cheers and applause thanks for being here, guys nice to see you. Thanks so much for coming on lets make sure i got this right. Siis it malcom . Yes. Jarad and alec. Stephen malcolm brickhouse, Jarad Dawkins and alec atkins. You guys are officially the youngest guests ive ever had. You guys play metal and you play it hard. Well hear it in just a minute if you want to stick around and play for us. How did you get discovered . Tell the people what happened. Well, me and jarad started when we were 7, and he came in, like, three years ago. Stephen you guys have been playing together since you were 7 . Yeah. Stephen how did you meet alec . I was always around. Stephen all right. And you guys were playing in times square . Yeah. Stephen you were muscling in on elmos territory. laughter all right. And you guys were playing there for how long . Two years. Yeah, a good two years. Stephen and you have been discovered. Someones given you a 1. 8 million recording contract. cheers and applause stephen so, um, hows eighth grade . Good . Is it good . Yeah. Stephen whats your favorite class . Nothin. laughter applause stephen thank you very much. So you guys have got an e. P. Coming out later this fall . Yes. Stephen and its called hit me . Free as you wanna be. Stephen how free do you want to be . Free as a bird. Stephen let me ask you one other thing. Why are you called unlocking the truth . I love the name. I do that every night. I unlock the truth every night. cheers and applause what is the truth youre unlocking . How did you get that name . If i say that, its going to take a whole day. Id rather not. Stephen is it a secret . Its basically, like, were unlocking the truth about, like, life and you can do whatever you want to do and kids are always, like, they think that they cant do anything because they do what other people tell them to do but if you look past that and believe in yourself then you can accomplish anything you want to do. Malcolm. Stephen lets unlock the truth now malcolm brickhouse, Jarad Dawkins, alec atkins, the e. P. Is free as you wanna be. Well be right back with a performance by [ siri] hello. Whats your name . [cortana] hello siri. Im cortana. Weve already met. Im sorry. I dont remember. Thats ok. I can remember lots of things. Like your favorite kinds of restaurants. I cannot remember that. I can remember appointments and help you get there on time. Or that. Or remember favorite news topics. Or that either. Siri, what can you remember . I remember when i was the only phone that talked. This jolly rancher. S for untamed fruit flavor. Wow, this hotel is amazing. Oh no. Who are you . Who are you . Wrong answer. Wait, daddy, this is blair, he booked this room with priceline express deals and saved a ton. Yeah, i didnt have to bid and i got everything i wanted. Oh good. I always do. Oh good. He seemed nice. Express deals. Priceline savings without the bidding. Stephen here to perform a song off their upcoming e. P. , free as you wanna be, ladies and gentlemen, unlocking the truth. cheers and applause i am selfdestruction i am everything i am the things that you told me to believe you are the destruction but you arent everything youre the things that you told me to believe i am frankenstein brought back from the dead now im all in your head you are the puppet master im under your control i wish there was a puppet that could take control i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby you expect me to do everything you think im a slave this time youre wrong you dont love me you dont care you said you love but this isnt fair hate love us we are the monsters i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby she said i am a monster thats what you told me, baby cheers and applause stephen unlocking the truth. The e. P. Is free as you wanna be. Good night. Thank you. cheers and applause cheers and applause chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds. This happened on youtube today what do you get when you cross two dads in their 40s, an acoustic guitar, a disinterested teen, and a bat on an afternoon campout . Rabies laughter its a bat holy bleep