eagle caw stephen tonight, republicans retake congress. Could they drove its Approval Rating up to zero . laughter then, an important breakthrough in snack foods. Cheese nips that contain real cheese and real nipple laughter and my guest is andy cohen, host of bravos watch what happens live. Tonight, you can watch what happens pretaped. laughter a scientist in germany has discovered a way to make a diamonds from peanut butter. So fellas, now you can propose with a jar of jif. laughter this is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central eagle caw cheers and applause audience chanting Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen welcome to the report good to have you with us audience chanting stephen thats the sound of freedom, ladies and gentlemen thank you so much please, sit down cheers and applause what did an amazing night, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause folks, please have a seat. Good to have you with us. Lot to talk about tonight. Obviously, were going to be analyzing the ongoing geopolitical realignment of the middle east with andy cohen over cocktails. laughter but first, nation, huge news out of north korea where dear leader kim jongun has reemerged in public after a courageous battle with stage 5 cheese ankle. laughter so good to see him back. Unfortunately, his best friend lubey wasnt available to celebrate with him, so instead kim paid a visit to the second happiest place in north korea. An orphanage. laughter of course, the beds are all empty because the kids are at work. Which is too bad. Kim was looking forward to teaching them how to smoke. laughter of course, hell eventually have to pass the cigarette off to the stuffed animals boning on the dresser. laughter cheering but folks, as much as this photo delights, theres an even bigger story coming out of the hermit kingdom. Two american prisoners, kenneth bea and matthew todd miller, returned to u. S. Soil from north korea. We had an indication that there was a possibility of release, and we pursued it. Its a goodnews story. Stephen is it a good news story, sir . cuz fox news is reporting, obama cans also two americans vacations. Yeah, shocking. Obviously, the most miraculous part of their release is that it was not negotiated by dennis rodman. laughter this release was secured by americas top spy, james clapper, the director of National Intelligence who carried a personal letter from president obama to north korean leaders. Stephen yep, we gave them a dose of the clapper laughter and all it took was a letter from the president. That was a nice personal touch. These days, too many kids just text their pardon requests. laughter folks, ive got to say, i dont envy these men. Two years of forced labor. That could not have been good. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. Lost a lot of weight in a good way. Or maybe it was great. You know what they say you can never be too rich or too imprisoned in north korea. laughter i mean, weve all tried the zone diet. Maybe its time for the Demilitarized Zone diet. Plus, theres no chance you will give up early, because its almost as hard to get out of north korea as it is a gym membership. laughter anyway, welcome home, gentlemen. I for one am still riding high from the g. O. P. s triumph in last weeks midterm election. This means there will be more republicans than ever making government smaller by working fulltime in washington. laughter in fact, theres only one way to describe this victory. Weve got a new congress, weve got a new mandate. The mandate was skepticism by American People the country is not headed in the right direction. It was absolutely a mandate. Stephen yes, it was absolutely a mandate, thanks to an historic turnout of just 37 of eligible voters, the lowest since 1942. And remember, that was the greatest generation back then, on election day, the young people were too busy answering the call of duty to vote. Just like young people today. laughter and now that the g. O. P. Has their largest majority in 85 years, thanks to the lowest voter turnout in 72 years, they have the obligation to enact the agenda of the angriest man in the smallest county in iowa. They just need to do one thing now the republicans need to govern. Put forward their plans, their ideas, their solutions for the country. They need to step forward with a plan. Show the American People that they can govern. Republicans will have to take this golden opportunity they have been given and actually govern something. Stephen yes, it is time for republicans to govern. Before that, they were just paid extras on cspan. laughter and that call for g. O. P. Leadership brings us to tonights word. cheers and applause thank you, senator akbar. It is a trap. It may seem like the American People want republicans to get something done, but dont fall for it thats not just akbar talking. Thats advice from jabba the rush. It is the biggest and perhaps the most important mandate a Political Party has had in the recent era, it is very simple what the mandate is. It is to stop barack obama. Republicans were not elected to govern. Stephen thank you. Republicans were not elected to govern. cheers and applause huge, huge Rush Limbaugh fans here tonight cheering republicans werent elected to gosh. Their one job is to stop obama but theres an even more urgent reason to do nothing. laughter according to a new editorial by the National Review called the governing trap, if voters came to believe that a Republican Congress and a democratic president are doing a fine job of goshing together, why wouldnt they vote to continue the arrangement in 2016 . Yes, then you will be trapped together for another four years doing a competent job of governing who wants that . Point is, anything republicans accomplish, no matter how insignificant, could lead to president hillary clinton. cheering besides, nobody likes people who govern. Look at obama. He turned the economy around and gave millions of people healthcare what an asshole. And as the National Review points out, not only would governing be too effective, it would also be completely ineffective. Because if republicans proclaim that they have to govern now that they run congress, they maximize the incentive for the democrats to filibuster everything they can. Yes, and filibustering everything you can is cowardly. Whats worse, a proveyoucangovern strategy will inevitably divide the party on the same tea party vs. Establishment lines that republicans have just succeeded in overcoming. Thats right. If republicans do anything, it will start the infighting. Think about it the beatles never would have broken up if they never released any records. Instead of making the mistake of doing things now, the National Review says the g. O. P. Should focus on the future bybuilding the case for republican governance after 2016 and explaining what republicans. Would do if they had the white house. Yes, show the American People that republicans are capable of bold, decisive action. Sometime later. laughter then republicans will be able to take back the white house. And when they finally control the presidency and both houses of congress, at last it will be time to govern. Is what they want you to think. Its just another trap because the g. O. P. Cant act until theyve secured an allrepublican supreme court, 50 republican governors, 50 republican state legialators, and allrepublican prom committees. laughter and even when there are no democrats left, they still shouldnt govern. Because another republican could run against them in the primary. And theyd be wide open to attacks on their voting record if they have one. laughter of course, refusing to govern might eventually become hard to sell to the American People, so they might have to wait until there isnt an america anymore. And if they refuse the responsibility to govern, well, that will be right around the corner. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause everyone you meet theyre jamming in the street all night long all night bud light lime cranbrrrrita fiesta forever when you obsess over elevate form, evolve function, and reinvent a category, you attract a lot of attention. Chevrolet. The most awarded car company of the year. Find new roads. Rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody thanks so much cheers and applause nation, tonight theres a scientific breakthrough giving millions of americans hope for a better tomorrow. I sit here as eyewitness to history, privileged to say the following words mountain dew now tastes like doritos. Jim . Pepsi and fritolay have teamed up to great doritosflavored mountain dew. The new soda is called dewritos and is now being tastetested on college campuses. Stephen yes, food scientists are using undergrad lab rats to test a new doritomountain dew hybrid. You were right, stoners fritolay can hear your thoughts laughter finally, an answer to the question what if my doritos were wet and caffeinated . What would that taste like . Kent state freshman steve barnes tasted dewitos soda at an ohio college recently. He describes it as like orange with a nacho cheese aftertaste. Stephen makes sense. The main ingredient in doritos is aftertaste. Now, thanks to pepsi co. Innovators, those who want to drink their nacho no longer have to find the a. M. C. Concession stand where nobodys watching the cheese pump. Ill admit, im not proud of it, but i once was a dew doubter. I never thought mountain dew would be able to achieve the cold fusion. But, boy, did i slurp my words. And now pepsico has made good on its 2012 promise to, quote, take foods and drinkify them. audience reacts how fitting. My favorite time to eat doritos is when im drunkified. laughter and with new dewitos, a reality, mankind is approaching the longpredicted snack singularity the snackularity, if you will. laughter in which food scientists achieve a unity of all a flavors. Drinks that taste like chips, chips that taste like dips. We are all flavornauts, exploring the outer reaches of the milky way. Which is now available as a nasal spray. laughter but even more profound, the dawn of dewitos brings us to the very intersection of science and spirituality, and opens the tastebuds to an infinite food court of the mind, known to the buddhists as the mobile the noble eightfold gordita. Because you know the buddha would have pounded that thing laughter so i salute the snackologists who pieo neared this dewitos breakthrough. Until now, to get this flavor combo, youd have to consume mountain dew and doritos separately and then throw up in your mouth a little. laughter just a little. cheers and applause by the way, that would be a great slogan. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause meat sticks oh yeah well be right back. cheers and applause oh. Oh, yeah oh. Oh yeah. Oh yeah uuhh. Oh yeahhhh snap into a tummy party. Snap into a slim jim is this line secure . Very secure. Good, i received a text communique from Discover Card hq . Yeah. At discover, we monitor every single purchase, every single day, and alert you by text, email or phone if anything looks suspicious. Sounds very secure. It is. And youre never responsible for unauthorized purchases on your card. Nice. Security is my middle name. Really . Ill make a note of it. Hey kid out of the massage chair. [talking to himself] what do you know about stress . Youre seven. At discover, we treat you like youd treat you. Serious about security. Get the it card at discover. Com cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is the host of bravos watch what happens live. To make him feel at home, im already drunk. Please welcome andy cohen cheers and applause hey, andy good to see you thanks for coming back its always so nice to have you on the show. I appreciate it. Always nice to be here. Stephen you have the gigawatt smile, a breath of fresh air, and an impressive dude. Emmy Award Winning show, watch what happens live, and also real housewives cheers and applause and you have a new book, the andy cohen diaries a deep look at a shallow year. Yes. laughter stephen lets talk about your ethics shallowness. Yes. Stephen it has been said that you couldnt get your ankles wet in andy cohen. You could not drown a ferret in how shallow you are. I think i was the one who said how shallow i am. I modeled this book after andy warhols diaries. Of course, the artist who went out every night of the week, he dropped a ton of names. I drop a ton of names in the book. He was fascinated by celebrity, as am i. Thats why i wanted to share my deeply shallow but deep stories about a life out running around, hosting a latenight talk show, running around the world, and the deep part comes talking about dating and erescued a dog and and i rescued the dog, fell in love with the dog. Thats where it gets really deep. The dog rescued me stephen wow laughter yes stephen thats a twist you dont see coming. Total, its threequarters the way through the book. You wont believe it. Stephen it can be dangerous. In real life, if you try to take a deep look in a shallow pool, you could break your neck. Yeah, you have to be careful laughter stephen if you wrote everything you did every day for a year, how long would it take for you to write it . laughter let me the stephen did you write all this . Its not ghost written . 100 . Stephen the dog didnt write any of it . The dog didnt write any of it. The dog just writes his instagram account. Its a year for me to write and theres a little Bridget Jones diary for you to enjoy. Stephen you wont lose any weight, will you . No. Though i did become obsessed with my weight and let my mood be dictated by whatever the scale was telling me in the morning at the gym. Stephen how you feeling . I broke the pattern. I broke the habit. Stephen what did you do to do that . I just said, i cant do this anymore. Im a fool. Why am i letting a variance of 4 pounds dictate my mood for the day, taking it out on others . Stephen and what did the paxil say . laughter one of the signs of the paxil, this movement. laughter yeah. Stephen lets talk about some of the stars you have. You say its a shallow life, but you do meet incredible, creative artists. Cher, anderson cooper, lady gaga. Yeah. Stephen at one point, you were hanging out with lady gaga and malala yusef xi. Right. Stephen laughter she is truly deep. She is. I love awkward duos. I love eavesdropping and reporting on their conversation. Stephen what was it . Gaga was trying to explain to her about the little monsters and her fashion, and i dont know if it was translating and stephen was she trying to invite ma lala to be a little monster . Yes, i think so. Stephen ma lala actually lives in a country full of actual monsters. True. Stephen one thing i notice in here, i just opened a couple of pages at random. Did you read it . Stephen yes, but not in the correct order. I read words at random. Its fun that way. Stephen you make what you do easy. I was flipping through the book. There are so many challenges you face. I do. Stephen you fall asleep during massages. Your local drycleaner changes management without warning. Where do you find the courage the go on . You know what . Thank you for recognizing the struggle that is me. If youre getting a massage and you fall asleep did you get a massage . If you wake up and say, did you do my legs . Because they hurt. He says, yes. How do you know . The butt of every joke in this book is me so, yes, those are some of the struggles i have. Stephen youve got the executive producer of the real housewives. Yes, sir. Stephen how small a town can we go to and still have real criticalness of house wifery . Is it atlanta . Fonfond du lac or death claims . What constitutes realness . I think youre on to something. I like the idea of five women in mom Jeans Holding corn at the beginning of my show. I think theyre equally as capable of alcoholism and rage. Stephen 100 yes cheers and applause stephen the the andy cohen diaries comes out tomorrow go get it what makes thermacare different . Two words it heals. How . With heat. Unlike creams and rubs that mask the pain, thermacare has patented heat cells that penetrate deep to increase circulation and accelerate healing. Lets review heat, plus relief, plus healing, equals thermacare. The proof that it heals is you. Really. Its not worth it. No worries. I got this. I got all the time in the world vo a 2. 7 gigahertz turbo processor. Kevlar fiber durability. Turbo charge for up to 8 hours of battery in just 15 minutes. Introducing droid turbo by motorola switch now and get 150 credit. To help spread some holiday cheer. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time; and 2 back at the grocery store. Thank you even before they got 3 back on gas, all with no hoops to jump through, a couple was inspired to use their bankamericard cash rewards credit card to throw the ultimate Ugly Sweater Party of the season. Thats the spirit of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. Everyone wants to be the best. But what does that really mean . To us, it means giving you a wide selection of products, both online and instore. Expert advice. Our geek squad agents to get you up and running. And thanks to our price match guarantee, youll always get an unbeatable price. Because best isnt just in a name, its everything we stand for. As strongbow hard] acider, better. But strongbow over ice is the best. Enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. Strongbow, worlds number one hard cider. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody good captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 11 59 and 59 seconds. Is this happened on uproxx today im not gay no more. A deserve ant. I dont like men no more. I said i like women women, women, women, women [laughing] listen whoa. Oh chris i dont know what to say to that, look out, women. I guess. That is actually not a sketch. Thats the church of god and christss christs 107 holy convocation, where a parishioner has come up to testify that the lord has delivered him from his homosexual impulses. Upon hearing the news, god leaned down and said you know i dont give a sit about that anymore