Stephen come on welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. In there, out there, all over the world. Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming. Folks cheers and applause folks, please have a seat. Weve got huge news to get to right off the bat. Nation, im no fan of bicycles. laughter its like taking a spin class to get to my spin class. laughter no thanks. Plus theyre always crowding the tiny lane i use when theres traffic. laughter well, over the weekend, bicycles or bikes, as gangbangers call them, claimed their latest victim. Bono recovering from a nasty spill in new yorks central park. The u2 front man injured his arm after falling off his bicycle. In fact, hes going to have to have surgery. Thats right. Bono broke his boneo. laughter its a dangerous city, folks. They say giuliani cleaned it up, but new yorkers still live with the looming threat of the ground. laughter thats why theyre called the mean streets. And this accident caps off a week that was already no bueno for bono. Theres word that bono from u2 lost his luggage. His private learjet losing the rear cargo door 8,000 feet above the ground, luggage flying out. Investigators say the door and several pieces of luggage landed somewhere on the outskirts of germanys capital. Thats right. Bonos bags fell out of his private plane. And after three days of intense searching, bono. Still hasnt found what hes looking for. cheers and applause naturally, this incident set off a wild frenzy of speculation that can only be described as the today show. laughter can you imagine finding bonos luggage . How exciting. Dressing like a rock star. Youre plowing the fields, next thing you know, bonos luggage falls from the sky. Stephen yeah, i mean, can you imagine what its like to be minding your own business and, suddenly, a bunch of bonos stuff drops into your life . laughter only if you bought the new iphone. cheers and applause or if youre me, because through my connections at the german embassy, i have acquired bonos luggage cheers and applause its very complicated. Folks, folks, this is what we call an exclusive. cause everyones seen u2 performing on television, but nobodys seen me rifling through bonos undies. cheering or i should say, paul david hewsons undies. You know how i knew that was his name . Its on his undies. laughter what else we got in here . Towels. He stole a lot of hotel towels. A postit note reminding him of the nonedge band members names. laughter and a handwritten list of historical tragedies that would make good songs. laughter i also have the edges duffle bag. Lets see. Knit cap, knit cap laughter its all knit caps. cheers and applause anyway, guys, id mail these bags to you, but i know you live where the streets have no name. singing cheers and applause the thundering herd tonight. laughter course, me having that luggage is a major scoop because, right now, were in the thick of what we in the tv biz call sweeps, when broadcasters pull out all the stops to boost ratings. Over the past years, theyve tried everything from adorable animals to onair colonoscopies, to lesbian kisses, to neil cavutos topless week. As a journalist, i believe all that are just cheap publicity stunts, and so do these lesbian puppies. cheers and applause laughter and having nothing to do with sweeps, they are about to give me a rectal exam. Im gonna jam a vienna sausage up there and let them dig for polyps. Thats tomorrow night. So set your tiv0s. But when it comes to blowing it out for ratings, no one blows harder than good morning america. Their actual news guy, matt gutman, dedicated much of last week to something every american can relate to fighting off bears and sharks. Back now at 7 42 with the kickoff of gma survival week. We had to spend a day with a 1,300pound grizzly. I even felt its hot breath on my face. This time i had to jump into the deep end to learn how to fend off sharks with my hands and feet. This morning, we ask what would you do if the plane you were on plunged into the water . Yes, that is news you can use. Now i know what to do if the plane im on crashes into sharks infested waters, and the pilot is a grizz laughter and folks, you know i believe bears are godless killing machines. Okay . cheers and applause it was these tips i found particularly useful. Im speechless right now. This is a 1,300pound grizzly bear wrestling with a 200pound man. Wrestle wrestle its not every day you see a man put his head inside a grizzlys mouth willingly. Does it hurt to have your head inside of a bears mouth . Not really. Okay, kids. G. M. A. Says if a bear is attacking you, the best line of defense is to lodge your head in its jaws. After you slap him some 69. laughter cheering i think we have the state drum line here tonight and once the mauling is underway, there are a few things you can do to remain minimally chewed. You dont want to surprise them. You want to let them know that youre in the area. If you dont have much time to calculate, do you run . Do you stand . Never run. Absolutely never run under any conditions. You would talk in monotones. Im all right. Im all right. Youre all right. Theres nothing wrong here. Then slowly back away. Stephen yes, very important. Talk in monotones. in soft voice. hey, bear, lets talk this out. Youre okay. You dont want to eat me. I saw a chubby kid back down the trail. You should eat him. Heres some barbecue sauce. laughter applause folks, these g. M. A. Tips are absolutely critical to survive an attack that g. M. A. Just as critically admits will never happen. Experts say youre 250 times more likely to die of a Lightning Strike than a bear attack. That may be. But theres an easy way to reduce your chances of dying from lightning. Since it never strikes twice, make sure to get struck by lightning once. And, folks, it turns out there are a lot of things more dangerous than sharks and bears. For instance, sharks injure about 13 americans a year. While as many as 13,250 are hurt by buckets and pails. laughter and the danger could be in your closet. Tonight, i launch my own ratingsboosting survival segment. Epic tales, pail and a hand bucket. Stephen tonight, im gonna tell you everything you need to know to protect yourself from getting crossed off a buckets bucket list. Lets bring him out. Okay, everybody stay calm. Okay. There we are. All right. All right. All right. This here is goliath. Hes a 2. 5gallon galvanized male, as you can clearly tell. While buckets are powerful, they can be approached safely, if you observe these tips. First, never surprise the bucket. Always let it know youre approaching. Hey, big fella. Hi hi how are ya . Yeah, i was thinking about maybe washing the windows laughter never run. Under any conditions. The bucket cant follow you. And you will no longer be with the bucket. Everybody stay calm. All right. And never speak directly into the bucket. Hello see . You hear that . See . It echoes and your sound guy wont like it. laughter if you follow these steps, theres no reason you cant make friends. Watch this. Hey, fella hey, whats going on . Hey, wrestle, wrestle. See . Were having fun. I can even put my head in his mouth. Hey, hey, no, its okay were having fun. Oh, no, the phone rings aghhghghgh its got me no goliath its me someone help me, jay the intern why didnt g. M. A. Warn me . thank you, jay oh, jay oh, jay, the intern you saved me. What i, stephen colbert, was saved by. A bear . cheers and applause all this time, i have been wrong about you. Youre not here to kill us, youre here to help. On behalf of all bears, will you forgive me . cheering singing cheers and applause laughter ahhh hey youre leaving . I was going to make breakfast. Oh. Youre late for work in the forest. Okay. Well, um. Call me, okay . laughter hes totally gonna call me. cheers and applause everyone you meet theyre jamming in the street all night long all night bud light lime cranbrrrrita fiesta forever stephen welcome back. My guest tonight, please welcome Bernie Sanders cheers and applause senator sanders, thanks so much for coming on cheers and applause you are Bernie Sanders from vermont, the longest serving independent in congress. And proud of it cheers and applause stephen the first selfdescribed socialist to be elected to the senate. cheers and applause first of all, as a 73yearold man, how does it feel sob the junior senator . The first shake your fist at pat lahey . No, he and i are pretty good friends. Stephen but compared to you, he is, like, rush limbaugh. He is so right wing. Hes a democrat. Youre a socialist thats the boogieman of washington do you frighten people when you walk around the capitol . Are they afraid youre going to take their tractor and give it to the whole village . Hopefully, we frighten the billionaire class. cheers and applause hopefully, we frighten the Insurance Companies cheers and applause because we are the only major country on earth that doesnt have a Healthcare System guaranteeing healthcare to all people. Stephen but its the greatest Healthcare System in the world. Please. Stephen tits greatest Healthcare System in the world. You are right if you have a lot of money, it is an excellent Healthcare System. Stephen i have a lot of money. laughter well, for many other folks, for the 40 million who have no Health Insurance, it aint such a good system. Stephen i thought obamacare was going to fix that, sir, or did you sell us a bill of goods . Obama provided Health Insurance for about 10 million more americans but we remain the only country on earth that doesnt guarantee healthcare to all our people and we have to change that. Healthcare should be a right cheers and applause stephen i agree with you halfway. I agree with you halfway. We are the only major country on earth period. laughter everybody else is just a place that would like to be america. Im not so sure. Stephen okay. Lets talk about whats happening in american politics right now. A couple of weeks ago, you liberal types got your asses handed to you by the republicans. Okay, democrats got slaughtered. Socialists actually did better. You guys didnt lose any seats. laughter how bad is it for the democrats if the socialists did better than the democrats . Dont you think thats a rejection . A retide swept across the nation. We have rejected liberal philosophy. I will tell you, stephen, what i think really happened is about 64 of the American People rejected the twoparty system. They rejected washington as it now functions. They rejected a political system and a congress which spends more time representing the wealthy and the powerful than ordinary americans. cheers and applause stephen well take a little break. Were going to take a little break and well come back. Ive got a question about your ambitions, all right . All right. Stephen stick around, senator Bernie Sanders. Well be right back. cheers and applause [ cheers and yelling from group ] ooh sabra. That tight end is the best. Oh its the tightest. Excuse me. Pass it are we out . [ group cheering ] [ male announcer ] sabra hummus. Dip life to the fullest. Everyone wants to be the best. But what does that really mean . To us, it means giving you a wide selection of products, both online and instore. Expert advice. Our geek squad agents to get you up and running. And thanks to our price match guarantee, youll always get an unbeatable price. Because best isnt just in a name, its everything we stand for. When you set out you obsess over perfection, elevate form, evolve function, and reinvent a category. Chevrolet. The most awarded car company of the year. Find new roads. Stephen welcome back. Were here with senator Bernie Sanders. Youre a guy whos a rabble rouser, you whip people up. laughter that may play in vermont, but there is talk you may be throwing your hat into the president ial ring. cheers and applause sir, i only have 15 more shows, if you want the colbert bump. laughter are you ready to declare tonight in front of these good people cheers and applause i cant control them they love you because youre on my show. laughter would you like to make some news . The news is i am thinking about running for president. Stephen you have a campaign manager. Is he doing nothing . Is that just socialist handouts . laughter we havent put anybody on the Campaign Staff yet. What we have to ascertain is whether or not in this country this is the appetite and the willingness to put together a strong Grassroots Movement to take on the billionaire class. cheers and applause thats a very difficult undertaking, and when youre running against people who have unlimited sums of money, the question is how you raise the 20 and 40 contributions the money you need to run a serious campaign. Those are the issues were looking at. Stephen okay. You believe the government can. Achieve things . laughter a controversial stance. Yes. Stephen can you name a country where thats worked out . I think one of the sad things about american politics, we dont know a whole lot about whats going on in a number of other countries. In denmark, for example, you have a very good Healthcare System which provides quality care for all its people without outofpocket expense, at a time when our young people by the millions are having a hard time affording to go to college, are graduating deeply in debt, in denmark, college and graduate school is without any outofpocket expense. cheers and applause stephen i do want to point one thing out to you, senator, is that denmark has 5. 5 million people, and i have more than that on my twitter feed. So im going to tweet something here tonight. Hold on. Suck it, denmark. laughter all right. Folks, retweet that. If i get more tweets than there are people in denmark, you have to move there. laughter applause senator, thank you so much for joining me senator Bernie Sanders maybe for president well be right back cheers and applause fact. Fastacting advil is designed with an ultrathin coating and fast absorbing advil Ion Core Technology stopping headaches and other tough pain. Fast. Relief doesnt get any better than this. Advil. As strongbow hard] acider, better. But strongbow over ice is the best. Enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. Strongbow, worlds number one hard cider. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody good captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org its 11 59, and 59 seconds this happened on barstools dpz sports. Com today. Have you ever been late to catch a bus . I havent, im a millionaire. Wait, the bus, is those giant i thought those were like land whales. I didnt even know they just swallowed a bunch of people who looked really depressed. I didnt know they take people to, with and stuff . Okay, what ever. But for the rest of you who dont drive jaguars, here is me