The christie suntimespicayune. I havent seen the report. What does it say . This report has come out. It exonerates you completely. Do you feel exonerated. Jon i better. It cost me 1 million bleep dollars and by me i mean you if you are a new jersey taxpayer. Anyway. Stronger than the storm christie 2012. Seriously governor you feel exonerated . Yeah, i do but i always knew that this is where it would end. Jon we know. You aint nostradamus. I visited an oracle who killed a goat, read the entrails and saw a vision that my hand picked legal team would write a report exonerating me from all wrongdoing. Who is responsible . The internal review heaped all the blame for shutting down lanes on David Wildstein and Bridget Kelly. She seemed emotional. She was concerned about how she was perceived by by the governor. A boyfriend ended the relationship displaying her as weeping frequently and depending on men for stability. Jon thats why the report was titled bitches me crazy, right . [laughter] wait a minute how did that get on there . [laughter] damn you, internet worked so quickly. So case closed. You know what that means. Chris christie got his mojo back. Mojo, swagger. His mojo is back. He is back. Its the mojo christie. Jon he has gone from being a desert of mojo to a veritable mojo asis. As you can see on this jersey region mojometer. He was barely at sits quietly at a jets game but now he is up to wears a track suit to a funeral. [laughter] all right. He has his groove back. Didnt even have to go to jay macka and jamaica and fall in love with taye diggs. Hey, girlfriend. He did what anybody on a hot streak and within drivinging distance of Atlantic City would do. He went to leg yeas. The republicans governors are heading to las vegas. They are speaking at the Spring Meeting at the Republican Jewish Coalition but the private talks with one man republican super donor Sheldon Adleson. Why would christie go to vegas to impress a guy whose tight wol be a zionist who makes most of his money off macau. In 2012 the Newt Gingrich campaign got 15 million from adleson, mitt romney got 30 million. Jon oh, right he throws millions away on political campaigns from his tricked out scooter. [laughter] i cant wait for the remojod governor of new jersey to take his famous straight honest talk to vegas to speak truth to money. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie apologizing. Jon what . He doesnt apologize. What is he apologizing for kick adlesons ass . What is he apologizing for . For referring to the west bank as occupied ter tour eyes while speaking at the Republican Jewish Coalition. Jon oh, my god he did what . Because only an ultra left wing peacenik loser would refer to that area of the west bank as the occupied territories. Israel must stop settlement activity in the occupied territories. Jon get a job, hippy. We turn to senior zionist correspondent samantha bee. Sam, let me ask you [cheers and applause] this is crazy. Yeah. Jon if Sheldon Adleson didnt approve as a term as widely accepted as occupied territories what does he think is an acceptable term for that area . He is not picky. Open to a number of different names outer israel, israel in waiting, palestinian terror emporium. Jon those are not the most objective terms. And occupied territories is fairs. It clearly suggests territories being occupied perhaps by a Foreign Military or countless foreign settlements. [ laughter ] jon you just described the west bank. That is exactly what is happening in the west bank. Okay the daily show with yasser arafat. I got you. I got it. [ laughter ] jon when did the guy who makes Donald Trumps hair look natural get veto power over every word republicans say about israel . Not just israel, jon. He wants unions called thug collectives, offshore tax havens are now money resorts and he does not use a motorized scooter he practices extreme sitting sox rad, i know. Jon ill give you that the man is a champion sitter. Listen. How can anyone claim to be a leader if they are bending over backwards to please an 80yearold gambling mogul. Sorry he prefers 40yearold jackpot facilitator. If you dont mind. Jon i cant believe they are so willing to change their behavior for money. Really, jon. How do you feel about taco bell one of the daily shows major sponsors . Hmmmm. Jon i think its its a place that thinks outside the bun to provide americas families with a wholesome and nutritious dining experience. [ applause ] taco bell [laughter] [cheers and applause] yeah. Yeah, you know what . I thought you might say that and that is why i sent some over for you. Jon you dont have to did that. You didnt have to do that at all. What . Oh, yeah. [cheers and applause] jon thank uhoh roman cren turran. Yum. Jon mmmmm. [laughter] im definitely not going to poop all night. All night. Yes, eat up [ tune resumes ] [ tune resumes ] ice cream ice cream its ice cream time anytime enjoy dunkins baskinrobbinsinspired iced coffee flavors. America runs on dunkin. Making moves that would put an adult in the emergency room. Yet all they really want to do is grow up. Its funny, everyone i know wishes they could go back and feel younger. Sound familiar . Then test drive one of these. Current nongm owners and lessees use your 1,500 allowance to lease the 2014 cadillac ats for around 359 a month with nothing due at signing. [cheers and applause] jon now while we await more news on the true source of the corruption in new jerseys republicanheld Governors Office [laughter] democrats across the country have been providing delicious corruptiony goodness as we see in tonights segment innocent until who are we kiddinging . Wench start in, no ones top five boroughs. William scarborough said they raided his homeses, offices and a hotel room he uses. Jon they raided a hotel room he uses . Thats a bit of a tell crime wise unless he likes eating toberlones in their natural settinging. Why did he keep his stuff in boxes labeled evidence . That is just daring the police. Should label the box nothing to see here. How do you plead . Well, i mean they only give give gave me a very small sample of what they thought represented this and based on that small sample, i think its very refutable. Jon because theres so much that i have done that they didnt mention the actual scale of my crimes is shocking. And all of it really irrefutable. Did you know i have a lair . Were talking about assemblyman levels of corruption. Go mayor with the big boys. The mayor of charlotte, North Carolina has resigned. Mayor patrick cannon accused of accepting millions in bribes. Jon that is quite a jump. Hes not just corrupt he is a terrible negotiator. Mr. Mr. Mayor well give you 48,000. Make it a million. Why did this guy need the money anyway . Regarding the first alleged bribe cannon took, 12,500 in return for the agents investment in hers a familiar nine hygiene product the mayor wanted to market. [ laughter ] jon kind of a long con there. Yes, i was elected mayor but the end game has always been to become the douche king of North Carolina. [ laughter ] i am the douche king [cheers and applause] [laughter] that was weird that my body just clicked into that. I havent done that in about 20 years. You know the saying. First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women to buy your feminine hygiene products. Wanting to help women stay fresh is not worst thing a democratic politician has done lately. The california lawmaker who pushed for gun control has been arrested in a gun trafficking scheme. The state senator is fighting the charges. Jon now were talking trying to stop gun trafficking while trafficking guns. Its what is known in the business as a winwin. What we talking about aks . Saturday night special, sunday morning leftovers. Snub nosed. That dirty harry gun he called sally. I dont know the games of guns at all. He discussed the possibility of acquiring weapons including shoulder fired missiles from the philippines. Jon what the bleep is that thing . Is that guy is that guy shooting something or replacinging a water main . What is that. I realize they dont do the background checks but hope the first question he asked shim why are you trying to blow up the moon . [laughter] this is a very complex level of corruption. Theres no way that this guy ye was doing this alone. Other big player in all of this a man known as shrimp boy jon oooh, shrimp boy. What are you going to do make us dip in cocktail sauce. Im getting hives just thinking about. Hes a long murder for hire, traffic trafficking, arson, racketeering. [laughter] jon please accept my humble apologizes your shrimpness. [ laughter ] its really not a shrimp boy he is really more of a shrimp man. Lets get back to yi who before becoming an illegal weapons dealer had his sights on becoming californias next secretary of state. Court documents show his conversations with undercover agents. He said do i think we can make some money . I think we can make some money do. I think we can get the g goods . I think we can get the goods. Jon do i think im being taped right now . I dont think im being taped right now. Do i think im going down for this . Im not going down for this. Is shrimp boy going down for th boring yeah if you want to see old faithful dont be such a couch potato yeah just go check out the thing for yourself highlander we aint got no room for boring ferdy gerdy ferdy ger boom [ cluck, cluck ] no, we aint got no room for boring for boring, we aint got no room ahh [ male announcer ] the allnew highlander. Toyota. [ animal ] lets go places. [ male announcer ] the allnew highlander. [ peaches herb singing reunited] reunited and it feels so good reunited cause we understood we just wanted to find out about your family plan. Help you . Sure, you get 10 gigs of data to share with unlimited talk and text. And for a family of four, thats 160 dollars a month. Sounds great. Sounds like a slam dunk. Oh you a basketball fan . Yeah, i played a little. Hmmm, me too. Lily adams. Point guard. High school jv. Grant hill. Small forward. College and professional. Oh, good for you. Introducing our bestever family pricing. For instance, a family of four gets 10 gigs of data, with unlimited talk text, for 160 dollars a month. Only from at t capital letters mean business. Or maybe that sign, with all its mighty force. Is natures way of weeding out the timid. You never know where fortune leads. New miller fortune. Undistilled with a smooth finish for spirited nights. [cheers and applause] jon quoal back welcome back my guest tonight an actor. Stars in hbos game of thrones about. To premiere its fourth season. Do you know what they did to my brother . How they sued his head to his body and my mother. They say they cut they are throat to the bone and threw her body in. Jon what happened to your family was a terrible crime. I didnt know your brother. He seemed like a good man, but i didnt know him. Your mother, on the other hand, i admired her. She wanted to have me executed but i admired her. [laughter] jon please welcome back to the program peter dinklage. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] jon young man. Shall we continue the scene . [laughter] jon i admired her very much. Please. Pass the raisins. [laughter] jon i really. When she was saying my brothers head was boiled i was like thats why we watch game of thrones. Its a nice day for a red wedding. Jon that was the crazy billy idol, people. Jon did you see the videos watching the red wedding episode . Those were really fun. Jon people were just yeah, yeah he. I like the pillow biters. Jon yes. [ laughter ] wow that was wow, peter that was okay. I guess you can put that on the poster. Peter dinklage likes the pillow biters. [laughter] [cheers and applause] i admired you very much even though you wanted to bite my pillow. I still admired you. Yes. Jon interestinging. Those are great videos. Jon here is what its tough to talk about. Both of the things you are involved in game of throaps and xmen are huge in the spoiler Alert Community so i cannot cant say anything. Jon i know what happens this entire season and in the movie and i cant look dead on in the camera and ask you questions about that unbelievable [laughter] sex massacre. [ laughter ] you could just read the books and read the comic books, i suppose. Jon do you know what country you live . [laughter] read thebooks . What are you talking about . I know. Jon do they swear you is there some sort of weird loyal at this oath you take loyalty oath you take to not say what is occur something in. I never read any contracts i sign so its probably salary, days off [laughter] im sure its hidden deep inside amendment 5. Jon yes. Yeah, no. Jon do people lurk. Are there lurkers that appear . These are you know the camera phones are popular on set. We have a guy in croatia we have this enormous guy who that is his job to just [laughter] he will yell at them in crow air force basan and its croatian and its terrifying. Woe take your phone and crush it. I wish i had the nerve to do that. Jon i would love when he goes home from work. How was work . Good day, thrown phones. How many phones did you throw . Thats the jon shes making porridge for god sakes in croatia. Get out that i have taken acting classes. Right. Jon exactly. Now you are mostly we do all of the interiors thats in croatia what you just saw because thats jon outdoors. Interiors belfast. Jon is that where they made the titanic or the museum . We shoot in the studio we converted it. Where we painted the titanic. Jon they did. And now they opened up a Titanic Museum next door to the studio. Jon i always found that odd. Its a bad ohmen. Jon because you made bad omen. We made the titanic, look at what we crewed up. Its strange. Jon can i get an xmen spoiler . My hair is fantastic. [ laughter ] jon really . Can i tell them who you play or am i not allowed to say . I play trask. Doesnt have a superpower but amazinging hair. Jon good share nothing to sneeze at. No. Jon im getting a little in the back there. I dont know if you can see that anything going . What are you asking . Jon a bald spot. No its fantastic. Jon you know why its fantastic . Its spray . Jon no its not the straight its the salt and pepper shake can. My head is flour and she sift it. Im getting a little salt and pepper in the beard. Sorry i didnt shave. Jon really a little bit. You are not coloring that. Its the unemployed special. Jon if you threw down and i could grow it because a hairsuit fellow i could do it before commercial break. Its moses. Im not that much older than you, i am i . I think so. Jon i still admire you even though you said that about even though you said that about my a pizza hut already makes great pizzas. But now theyre delivering awardwinning wingstreet wings. Me to put them to the test, with some real wing experts pub trivia teams. Delicious. These are great fantastic. Really good. You gonna give my man one or are ya gonna box him out here . Get 8 boneout wings r 5 bucks. Wingstreet from pizza hut its like jasper here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Made strong. A professional basketball players best friend . Basketball players ride the team bus. But this guy . Carte blanche to a variety of late model sports vehicles and there is no end to the financial spoils that come from both friendship and Eastern European verticality. Hifi entertainment systems, stemware, and purebred animals. All the benefits of fortune none of the nagging ramifications of fame. Meaning he can dine on the liquid gold of velveeta shells cheese at any time of his choosing. Liquid gold. Eat like that guy you know. Liquid gold. And then take everything out ofn the truck and out of the boxes . You know the answers to questions like that, so youre the best person to do your taxes. Intuit turbotax. Its amazing what youre capable of. Chocolate and marshmallow meet. [ grunting ]. Inside a graham crackery shell. New krave smores. Chocolate marshmallow. Yum yum there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place new krave smores. Chocolate marshmallow. Where castles were houses and valiant knights stood watch for the kingdom was vast and monsters lurked in the deep and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo all of great britain, all in one place book on expedia before april 30th and save up to thirty percent. [cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Here its your moment zen. The cost benefit analysis of those two weighed on the side of me not having a private meeting with Bridget Kelly in the aftermath of these revelations. That is far, terry from saying. I want to thank you both for coming in here today for this little interview slash audition slash youre hired. Flavia, we of course know each other from our last project, thank you so much for flying yourself in from brazil. And amy, welcome. Thank you. Howd you find out about this little project . I saw it in a an ad in a magazine. It just said, actress slash models for marketing viral video . Yeah, yeah, thats our ad in stage couch, fantastic. Well, flavia, i mean, this is gonna be a little old hat for you, but let me give amy here a quick rundown. In a nutshell, its a marketing video. Were calling it two girls, one cup. And were hoping it goes viral. It opens on you and flavia naked, kissing each other over some soft piano music. Nothing too intense, just some light kissing. Then amy, youre gonna stand up and spread your bleep and bleep into a cup. Then both of you will lick the bleep out of the cup, spread it all over your faces and then kiss each other some more with bleep on your face. Next, flavia, youre gonna blow some bubbles with the bleep and then amy, youre gonna bleep on a bleep while flavia vomits the bleep into your mouth, then you vomit the bleep back into flavias mouth, then flavia revomits that bleep one more time