Transcripts For COM The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore 20150513

Like the stacked grilled cheeseburgr or chickntater melt, plus halfsie fries, two tacos and a drink all for just six bucks. So get one tonight, and get weird. Jon thats our show here it is your moment of zen i have actually answered over 200 on the record questions since monday. I have to admit that one of those questions was did i consider a hot dog a sandwich. So well subtract that one. What do you all larry tonightly. George zimmerman is reportedly shot in the face during a road rage incident. That totally wouldnt have happened. If he was in jail. Conservatives criticize Michelle Obama because she gave a commencement speech. Im just kidding. They criticized her because shes black. Come on. Everybody knows that. And a new study finds that people do not get happier when they have more sex. Why am i never called when they do these studies . Step away from the remote this is the nightly show captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause larry thank you very much. Welcome to the show. Im larry wilmore. Larry Larry Larry Larry Larry Larry Larry ramp it up. Thank you very much. Thank you. Man, we have an incredible show for you tonight, tvs Ali Wentworth is here. Fun fact we were both flag girls on in living color. Fun fact. Author dan savage and a very special visit from Morgan Freeman who sits down with soul daddy. cheers and applause really good show. Lets get right to it. Man, there is big news in the world of wrongfully acquitted unhinged menacing. A lot of people still interested in the antics of floridas bad boy, George Zimmerman. Larry the antics . Of floridas bad boy . The guy murdered an unarmed child. Hes not the fonz. laughter ayyyy. I should be in prison. Whoa, whoa. This is out of florida. George zimmerman has been shot. Zimmerman was injured in the face. Larry okay, okay. cheers . Larry hold on hold on. I know it sounds like George Zimmerman got shot in the face, but before anyone gets too excited guys guy,s, guys. cheers and applause confetti cannon. Hold your horses. Guys stop it, guys he didnt get shot in the face. George zimmerman was allegedly weaving a gun in traffic and it was at that point that the other man fired. Larry he was waving a gun in traffic. Or as George Zimmerman calls it, mondays. Am i reet . laughter applause and thats when the other guy shot at him. And then apparent larry what, whats going on . Guys. No, no no, no guys stop it stop it stop it, guys, stop it what are you doing . We heard George Zimmerman got shot in the face larry no. cheers and applause stop it dont encourage stop it he didnt get shot in the face. And even if he did, it would be wrong celebrating someone getting shot, especially in the face. Come on. George zimmerman cheers and applause no no, no. You mack a good point. Anyway, he didnt even get shot in the face so shoo, shoo, go on bloodthirsty marching band. Get, get applause making fun of peoples misery. All right, so what did actually happen . First they thought he got hit in the face with a bullet, but that wasnt it. It was just glass. They took him to a hospital there and hes out. Hes okay. Larry guys, guys, George Zimmerman is doing fine. So sorry to disappoint you. Larry. Larry its dre dre our director everyone. Whats up, dre . Listen, i heard George Zimmerman got shot in the face. cheers and applause time for a balloon drop . Larry no dre, he wasnt shot in the face. I said that, like, five times. Yeah, yeah, but look, its George Zimmerman. Come on. Let me drop at least a couple of balloons . cheers and applause larry okay fine. Drop the balloons. Drop the balloons. laughter applause saddest balloon drop ever. All right, moving on. Now, saturday, Michelle Obama gave a commencement address at tuskegee university. In the speech she talked about her experience with race. We both felt the sting of those daily sliets slights throughout our entire lives its folks who crossed the street in fear of their safety. Larry hold on, michelle. Has anybody ever crossed the street in fear of barack obama. That guys weighs about 130 pounds, in his mom jeans. Oh that brothers scary. All right, what else you you got . Those who have questioned our intelligence. Larry when have people ever questioned Michelle Obamas intelligence . Oh, thats right. This morning. Heres Angela Mcglowan a few hours ago on fox news. Why didnt first lady share the reason she got into princeton . It was probably because of affirmative action. Larry whoa, whoa whoa hold on. Slow your roll, foxs convenient black friend. Hold on. No, no, no, you cant slam affirmative action saying its condescending to black people and then accuse obviously brilliant black people getting in because of affirmative action. Let me tell you you know what affirmative action is . A coke snorting alcohol guzzling son of a c. I. A. Direct lies his way into yale because his daddy was in both places. Thats affirmative action. cheers and applause but youre mad at a black woman who started from the bottom and now shes here . laughter all right, okay. You got any more blackonblack lady crime happening over at fox . An absolute wasted opportunity. Instead of telling these individuals these young minds these young people that if i can do it, you can do it, too. Larry okay um, just a little tip. Just because you say words it doesnt mean that theyre true. One way of finding out is by watching what she actually said. If you stay true to who you are and where you come from, if you have faith in god planned for you then you will keep fulfilling your duty to the people all across this country and youll be flying through the air, out of this world, free. God bless you graduates. Cant wait to see how high you soar. cheers and applause larry makes me sick all right, what else you got to make me sick fox . I liked your first four guests on it, but now were going to get the black perspective. Larry wait a minute. Shes the black perspective . laughter actually, normally on fox she is the black perspective, so thats why i was surprised when they brought out the actual black ladies. All right, angela davis coulter, what are your thoughts on miss baim. America does owe plaque america for the slaveries and the democratic policies of jim crow. I think were making it up now. When youre getting admitted to princeton when you cant read, is that enough yet . Larry okay, to be clear ann coulter feels the first lady got into princeton without the ability to read. sighs all right shes on a news network and she is giving the the plaque perspective so, all right. Who am i to argue . laughter . America does owe black america for slavery, for the democratic policies of crim crow. The Great Society programs are what destroyed the black community. Larry this habit culture has of blaming racism on the democrats is what i want to address. Come oanne were going to knowledge college, commencement edition. cheers and applause laughter all right, guys. Ive got to hold this up. Okay, ann coulter laughter ann coulter tries to act as if democrats are the the only ones who were racist in this country. To be sure for the first half of the 20th century some of the violent racist were on the democratic side, they were called dixiecrats. But they switched sides and vote for richard nixon. Un what . Maybe Richard Nixons tapes will give us a clue. laughter larry says the guy who ordered breakins of his enemies. How about irish . Larry this is fun. Its kind of like asking a band to do requests, right . Hey mr. Nixon what, do you think about the italians . Larry another now the biggie. Mr. Nixon what, about the blacks . Larry the bigger point is both republicans and democrats have had a lot of affirmative action when it comes to discriminating against black people. All right. Class sis dis missed. And congratulations, graduates hope you all learn to read. Well be right back. cheers and applause if youre looking for a car that drives you. And takes the wheel right from your very hands. This isnt that car. The first and only car with direct adaptive steering. The 328 horsepower q50 from infiniti. Our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost twofeet of pizza. Whoa. Youre gonna need a bigger car. Get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2liter with online orders. Just 12. 99. Only at pizza hut. Looks like that gun boat is aiming right at us. Dont be ridiculous. Destroying this sniper tower would provide no strategic advantage. I stand corrected, johnson, it is super fun to blow something up that provides no strategic advantage. Alright, lets head home, boys. Boom beach. Come with a plan or leave in defeat. This is the movie youve all been waiting for. This is your mission. Noo. This is an envelope. Thats actually. Were all gonna die . Not a movie. I dont know anything do you think im an idiot . ahhhhh but, really, just a commercial. Reminding people to eat m ms. Wait. What . This is just a commercial . . Um. Can someone shut off the missile . cheers and applause larry welcome back. I have to tell you guys i love the show Morgan Freeman has on the science channel, through the wormhole. Its unbelievable. And wednesday night at 8 00 hes taking on the subject of bigotry so luckily for you he jumped through the time wormhole and told soul daddy all about it. laughter applause take a look. Larry all right, weve got the fifth dimension coming out later. Its going to be a stone cold picnic. You know what im saying . Speaking of dimensions. Weve got this cat over here he claims hes from the future. His name is Morgan Freeman. I know him from the Electric Company but he says he wants to talk about wormholes. Brother, lets do this. What is the wormhole . What does that mean anyway . Its an imaginary place in space where if you get to it, you can move almost anywhere in the universe. Larry that sounds like white flight. laughter what would be the drug of choice for someone to take in the wormhole . I say acid. laughter . Id say marijuana. Its legal now in places. Larry get the bleep out of here. So this wormhole show, this sounds like it would be a variety show because variety shows are not going away, by the way. Who you have Glenn Campbell . No. Larry charles . Charles is a talent. Physicists and scientists and people like that on our variety show. Id have trouble answering the questions. Larry you have seen her play the guitar . laughter she has a show saturday morning called shazam. Its a kids show. She has a character named isis. Shes like a goddess. I would hate for somebody to ruin a name like that. We all have big butts. Thats true. I dont. Larry what happened to your butt . Life expwhr in the year 2015, have we had, like a negro secretary of state . As a matter of fact, weve had a negro woman. Larry yeah, we had a soul sister as secretary. Im about to offer you a shock. Larry whats that . Black president. Larry oh, come on, man. A true african american. Larry hes probably half black. Yeah, he is. Its hard to say. They say that most skin under the fur is pink. Larry so what does that make him . White. Larry. Thats why hes never been shot. Thanks for joining us on soul buddy. Best of luck in your career. You seem like a nice young fella. Never going to voiceover. Tune in every other wednesday for another episode of requested soul daddy. applause dont worry, well send an intern into that wormhole to pull Morgan Freeman out. Well be right back. cheers and applause tmobile is breaking the rules of wireless. And the Samsung Galaxy s6 edge is breaking the rules of design. 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Look the rings of saturn the fun never stops how will your kids top their snap, crackle and pop . The irwin curved jaw pliers have 3 times the gripping power of traditional locking pliers. Grunt and the powerslot pliers go through wire with half the effort. Grunt grunt grunt irwin vise grip pliers. You get used to food odors in your car. You think it smells fine but your passengers smell this. Eliminate odors youve gone noseblind to for up to 30 days with the febreze car vent clip. Smells nice. So you and your passengers can breathe happy. [ men grunting on tv ] may the best hand win. [ both grunting ] savagery [ grunts ] well done, grasshopper. cheers and applause larry welcome back. Im here with my panel, comedian kerry coddett, yeah, kerry there you go. Columnist and the host of the savage lovecast, dan savage and actress and comedian, Ali Wentworth. cheers and applause lets jump right in. Lets talk about this whole commencement address Michelle Obama gave. To me, you know, ive seen the way people treat floatus over the years. Like nancy reagan, some of that astrol gee stuff she brought upon herself. When people made fun of her, it seemed all in fun. Barbara bush, maybe the George Washington jokes they said she looked like him. But that was about it. Everybody liked barbara bush sheemed like a nice lady. When hillary came in, thats when i heard the vial comments. I remember Rush Limbaugh saying she had fat ankles. It was ridiculous. I think it goes back to when she basically said i dont need a man. We talk about the racism but theres a lot of sexism. You have laura bush, librarian. But when floatus gets a little bit of an attitude and is like, im my own person i feel like we have some issues. Fox. Ill speak for all black women thank you. I think its sexism and racism. But i think this commencement speech was more racism than sexism and i do how racist do you think Michelle Obama was . laughter . I think she is so antiwhite, i cant even no, i think shes i think her commencement speech was i thought it was great. Eleanor roosevelt went to the same university in 1941 and they called her a communist. Thats are the feminism comes. Larry once again, lady using her brain. Which is why im a Victoria Secret model so i dont even have to think about it. I think there are both isms at play and when there are too many isms i get nervous. Theyre why do we let these women vote and then why do we let these women speak . I loved her speech. They have had the most racist crap thrown at them. They cant react because obama cant beab angry black man and scare all the people who are probably scared anyway. I think he should go for it. And michelle cant be the controlling, domineering elask mating black woman and theyve had to absorb so much crap. For eight years eye cant wait to read their memoirs. Theyre going to let loose in their memoirs because theyre too smart and too opinionated and i think the reason youre seeing the white freakout commentary on fox lose their bleep is because shes coming for them in her memoir. She is. Larry theres a study out by nou by Carnegie Mellon that says more sex doesnt make you happier. You have heard this . Ist says, in fact more sex makes you less happy. To be clear, these were married couples order these people to have twice as much sex as they were normally having. They told them they went to these couples and figured out how much sex they were having and they had half the couples have twice as much sex as they were having but with their so three times a year instead of one and a half. Like dry cleaning, sex. I believe why are you looking at me like that . Larry for guys i dont care whats on the list, its still happening. I think if you have to schedule it or youre forced to do it its a very different thing. Especially if you are forced to do it with somebody are you already married to. Chances are i dont like you that much. Why didnt they let them have sex with somebody else and see how happy they are. Theres a marriage thats going on last. How about that. Im all for that. I feel like if i had sex with you id be happy . You would . Yeah, most people are. And im a happily married woman. I bet your husband would love to watch if that happens. laughter were committed. Larry disw does anybody believe its true. Lets assume it was true. What do you think the reason for being more unhappy after having a lot of sex . What would be the reason . Can i quickly answer. Larry do you think the possibility it is true . I think im happier the more sex i have with my husband. However once we get into the double digits, as soon as theres a back of by double digit, you mean a number. A number. What are we doing larry im clearing it up. Stop it cheers and applause if i have to get a bag of frozen peas and put it on my crotch im not happy anymore. But up to there, im good. Thats my dream, a frozen pea bag on my crotch. I think it depends how i feel about you at the time. When i like my man and hes not getting on my nerves and were having sex, im skipping down the street. Im giving up my seat to elderly people on the bus. Im happy. When i dont like you, im like you i have to have you in my face and in my bleep . No. Larry i dont think youd be obligated. By the way, thats a good tshirt for you. laughter larry i gotta have this and bleep . Let me ask you guys one question. You can either have unlimited sex, which is guaranteed to make you constantly unhappy, and the more you have sex the more unhappy you are going to get, or cell bait, and youll be the happiest person in the world. Oh mom laughter . Larry which one . Sex. Larry sex and unhappy . Oh no, ill be celibate. Fine, ill make cheesecakes with the monk displz which one . Ill be cell bait because who wants to be bleep and fed up . Another tshirt. Its really hard for me to wrap my head around that. Sex makes me very far happy. Larry you would still probably find a way to have sex. Trust me. Well be right back. Our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost twofeet of pizza. Whoa. Youre gonna need a bigger car. Get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2liter with online orders. Just 12. 99. Only at pizza hut. This is smith forge hard cider. Its like emmett, here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Oww made strong. Right now, verizon is offering unlimited talk. And text. Plus 10 gigs of shareable data. Yeah, 10 gigantic gigs. For 80 a month. And 15 per line. More data than ever. For more of what you want. On the network thats 1 in speed. Call. Data. And reliability. 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And every year after that. Get the galaxy s 6 for 0 down and no phone payments. When you sign up for the new unlimited plus plan. Only from sprint. cheers and applause larry okay. Thats all the time we have for tonight. I want to thank our panelists kerry coddett, dan savage, Ali Wentworth, and our special guest, Morgan Freeman. cheers and applause now dont forget to follow us on twitter, like us on facebook and prod us on instagram and keep track of everything were doing online. In case youre wondering yes we lost to the daily show in softball last night. And, no, i dont want to talk about it. Ill get you next time, jon stewart. Good nightly chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds, this happened on newyorkpost. Com today. Sundays episode of game of thrones broke another record, the piracy record with 2. 2 million illegal downloads in just 12 hours. Among the orders of devoted fans is none other than snoop dogg,