Oh, stephen oooh. Stephen good lord its a scary ghost, just in time for halloween. What . No, im the ghost of christmas past. Stephen christmas past . Its october i know. It gets earlier and earlier every year. They make me work on thanksgiving. Stephen look, buddy, im sorry, im just im not ready for christmas yet. I havent even carved my pumpkin. Youre going to have to come back. laughter . Stephen its locked. Oh. Oooohh. laughter my advice lose the eggs and say youre a zombie. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes joel mchale. Abbi jacobson. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey cheers and applause jon i liked that. Stephen whoa nice jacket i like that. Very nice. Hey, everybody whats going on . Hey, chris whats up . Whats going on, mark . Welcome to the late show, everybody. So nice to see you. Im Stephen Colbert, your host for the evening. And ladies and gentlemen, check your calendars. We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking. laughter . cheers applause and trumps surrogates are doing just what the passengers on the on the ship and talking about how great it is. Just this morning, just this morning, trump got some muchneeded support from new york mayor and daytime dracula Rudy Guiliani. Heres what rude heto say when asked if Trumps Campaign is racist. Racist . The last thing in the world donald trump is, is a racist. Ive known him for 28 years. He likes hispanic people. He plays golf with them. Stephen yes he plays golf with them . Come on he doesnt care if youre black or white as long as you can afford the greens fees. And theres yet another reason jooul thinks its unfair to call trump a racist. Unfortunately, its not a good reason. To say that donald trump is a racist is outrageous. To call anybody a racist is outrageous. En anyone racist racists dont exist. Theyre like unicorns, or giulianis sense of shame. You cant find it anywhere cheers and applause and Rudy Guiliani wasnt the only one desperately tried to defend trump, because last nig night, former speaker and talking bag of laundry, newt gingrich, was asked by megyn grabin. If trump is a sexual predator, that is hes not a sexual predator. You cant say that. Okay, thats your opinion. Im not taking a position on it. Im not taking a position on that. Its not true. Now, im sick and tired of people like you using language thats inflammatory. Thats not true. You want to go back through the tapes of your show recently, you are fascinated with sex, and you dont care about public policy. Stephen first off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If youre not, if youre not, theres a pill for that now. But the thing is, megyn kelly file isnt talking about fun time, bedroom whoopi making. Shes talking about assault. Wait, unless newt doesnt know the difference. Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, lets do this. Growing up so fast. In fact, youre 73. Your bodys changing. laughter youve probably noticed some strange new hair growing on your earlobes. Its perfectly natural. Youre old enough to finally learn about the birds and the bees and the consent. You see, when a man has special feelings for a woman, and he wants to give her a special hug, he asks her a special question you up . but grabbing a lady because re its assault. And fun fact, assault is a matter of public policy, because its illegal, even if you use tic tacs. cheers and applause i hope that clears things up, buddy. I would explain to you what sex is, but then id have to picture you doing it. Of course, megyn kelly file isnt the only one upset about trumps locker room talk. He said, because im famous, because im a star, because im a billionaire, i can do things other people cant. The press always asks me, dont i wish i were debating him . No, i wish we were in high school. I could take him behind the gym. Thats what i wish. cheers and applause stephen wow. cheers and applause he got some fire on him. Stephen that is theang riest ive seen joe biden since they hiked up the price of crest whitestrips. And behind the gym . Behind the gym . I kind of remember getting my ass kicked plenty inside the gym. I didnt even realize i had another option. Then, yesterday, trump to take me to the back of the barn . Me. He wants it. Id love that. Id love that. Mr. Tough guy. You know, hes mr. Tough guy. Stephen thats right, tough guy. Yeah, tough guy. Donald trumps not afraid of anything. Except divorce lawyers, the i. R. S. , and normalsized gloves. laughter applause hey, tough guy. Hey, tough guy. Hey, tough guy. Hey, hey, hey hey, tough guy, tough that photo again of trump . There you go. Of course, for security reasons, the secret service insists he travel with his body double, that pumpkin. laughter applause hey, tough guy. Tough guy now, lets be realistic here. As exciting as this is, lets be realistic. Were talking about the the 70yearold g. O. P. Nominee facing off in oneonone combat. Its a fun idea to think about, but it aint gonna happen. Or is it . Mr. Trump, i know youre watching, because i just said your name. And, joe, i know youre watching because amtrak has wifi now. The time for talk is over. Its time for both of you to step into the ring and throw down on my show. Its biden versus trump the veep versus creep two men enter. Two paramedics also enter, because these guys are very old. The best part all proceeds from the fight will be donated to a charity of your choice. For biden, the red cross. For trump, boob jobs for uggos. laughter now, gentlemen, youre under no obligation to agree to this fight, but please do, because i already made this promotional video. Jim . Joe biden the gym. Donald trump id love that. Mr. Tough guy. Coming soon to cbs. Its the rumble in the trumple. The thrilla in orange with a swirl of vanilla. Las vegas, one night only in the magnificent new trump barn slk gymborena. The g. O. P. Nominee, versus the person you wish was bidentrump, only cbs. Your destination for watching old people do things. laughter applause stephen thank you. Your move, guys. Oh, and, mr. Vicepresident , be careful out there. We all know that trump has a history of grabbing below the belt. Weve got a great show for you but on the other side of the commercial break, weve got a werd you dont want to miss so stick around, everybody. She saw the boots and fell for fall all over again. Was she expecting to find the perfect designer boots at such an amazing price . No. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. But you know youre gonna love it. Whats it gonna be . An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. I was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why ah, beth. So the elevator is stuck again. With directv and at t you can stream your favorite shows without using your data. That makes you more powerful than being stuck in an elevator with a guy with overactive sweat glands. Sorry, rode my bike today. Cool. Its your tv, take it with you. This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] . On the road again . [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] . Just cant wait to get on the road again . [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] . On the road again . . Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway . [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. The 2017 passat s for just 199 a month. Emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Scott tipton our congressman . Or is he a realestate agent for bigmoney Campaign Contributors . Tipton sponsored a bill to give away our public lands over 30 colorado Business Leaders called tiptons plans, a serious threat to the Outdoor Recreation industry and. Thousands of jobs. Gail schwartz will defend our public lands and wont put colorados future up for sale. House majority pac is responsible . . . cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up jon, you guys sound great tonight. Thank you for keeping it hot over there, because, evidently, there is no internal heating in this building. Jon thats right. Stephen hey, heres a fun fact you may not know. Americas got a 19 trillion debt thats growing by 3. 8 billion every day. Thats money our grandchildren are going to have to pay back by selling their beach homes in antarctica. laughter finally, finally, someones taking action to reduce the debt, and that brings us to tonights werd, now, one of the big reasons were so broke is that the wars in iraq and afghanistan cost an estimated 4. 8 trillion. Thats a lot of money. laughter and the pentagon knows how theyre going to get some of that money back, because thousands of california soldiers are being forced to repay their enlistment bonuses after going to war. audience boos and it gets better. You see, back when the government needed more soldiers to fight in iraq and afghanistan, the California National guard held huge seminars where they offered bonuses of 15,000 or more to reenlist and go to war. But heres the thing the guard was so desperate for troops, that they offered the money before they checked whether individual soldiers were eligible for it. And now, turns out heres the funny part the pentagon wants investigation found that thousands of bonuses were given to california guard soldiers who did not qualify for them, or were approved despite paperwork errors. Now, for the record, these people did go to war, but you know what they say paperwork is hell. In total, the pentagon wants back about 100 million in bonuses. Now, that, that may sound like a lot of money, but in the early days of the iraq war, the pentagon had unlimited budgets to go along with their unlimited reasons why we were there. One of the fun ways they bankrupted us was the nearly 12 billion in shrinkwrapped 100s they loaded onto c17s and flew to baghdad. Hard to believe. Luckily, theres a picture of it. After arriving. Thats not true. They only lost 9 billion. I dont know how. Now, not only not only is the pentagon asking the troops for their reenlistment bonuses back. Theyve also tacked on a 1 processing fee. Congratulations, military. Youve somehow made me feel good about my credit card company. Now, heres what i dont get the troops signed a contract, and they kept their end of the bargain they went to war, a war that both president ial candidates now say was a mistake, even though both supported it at the time. And when the troops got home, we exposed the troops to predatory lending, allowed them to be rippedded off by fake online universities, and made them wait and now, the turd on the sun district attorney, were bankrupting them to pay back the bonuses that we promised. Once again, the troops get screwed. Good, because what really upset part where we paid our soldiers what we promised, no w. M. D. S . Thats an honest mistake. A private doesnt fill out his paperwork, we will chase you to the gates of hell cheers and applause to be fair, to be fair, secretary carter cant actually fix this. Only congress can change the law. And leaders there say they are prepared to take prompt action, efforts to take back bonuses from veterans. So, come on, congress. Two years . It should be easy to forget the troops debt because weve apparently forgotten the debt we owe them. And thats the werd. Well be right back with joel mchale. . Ooh, why the phelps face . You know. I know. New computers are superfast. And yet here you are with a new world record for the slowest computer. You know about it, now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. Powered by intel. . What is he doing . I have no clue. . Where do you think youre going . . . Where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . . . Girl, where do you think youre going . . Youre acting so funny, whats wrong, billy . My doctor says i have skittles pox. Are they contagious . I dont think so. Contract the rainbow taste the rainbow i am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. On a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. cannon sound mobility is very important to me. Thats why i use e trade mobile. Its on all my mobile devices, so it suits my mobile lifestyle and it keeps my investments fully mobile. Even when im on the move. Sign up at etrade. Com and get up to six hundred dollars. Psh psh lunch is ready campbells spiderman soups. Made for real, real life. . Ill get you dancing. . . To the diggy diggy diggity do. . . Do that thing that you do. . . Ill show you a new move. . . Check out the diggy diggy diggity do. . . Ill get you dancing to the diggy diggy diggity do. . . This is my town. . Save five when you spend thirty . . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, jon. Thank you very much. Thank you, lewis. Jon got that thing . Stephen folks, my first guest tonight hosted the soup, his new show, the Great Indoors, premieres on cbs on thursday. Please welcome joel mchale. Yes. Oh, i already sat down. Stephen sit down. Youre the guest. Sit down first. Im very happy to have you on. Im a fan. Thank you. Stephen i really loved yourk thank you very much. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen and i dont know if im going to be the first person to say this to you. Probably. Stephen but i do have a bone to pick with you . Really . Stephen yes, because youre a gifted comedian its the true and it was alarming because sometimes i would see you on Community Like in an open shirt right, and you got turned on. Its cool. Stephen no, because youre alarmingly fit for someone who has spent their life in comedy. Look theres a reason why i never even take the tie off. laughter . You are in great shape for someone in their 70s. You look great. Stephen thank you very much, thats very kind. Youre well preserved. Stephen absolutely, absolutely. No, i would yes, thank you. But its not a compliment. Im angry. I see. Stephen im angry. How did you do it . Did you start off fit . Were you an athlete . Oh, thank you. Yes, i was. No, i am yes, i am in shape saying, have you tried that airport chili . Its pretty good for the airport. laughter so, yes, i play i did play a lot of sports. Stephen what sports did you play . Well, we dont have all night, do we . laughter no, i played a lot of sports badly. I played some bad College Football. Stephen oh, okay. And i rode in college as well. Stephen oh, you were you were a crew member. But as you know, no one laughter and as an actor, i wanted response from a crowd. And i got into a fist fight with the varsity rowing crew. Stephen the whole the whole crew . Well, it was 11 versus two, and its a long story, but there was a lot of hazing going on, if youre in a sport in crew . In crew. If youre in a sport nobody knows then you have to make up rituals to make yourself feel important. laughter i am really tradition on the east coast of crew. Stephen were you first stroke . No a starboard midpull man. Stephen youre making stuff up. I was at the university of washington and they make you shave all your hair off and eyebrows off and put all that hair into a pillow and that goes into a display case of hair pillows. Yes. Hannibal lecter got his start Pe University of washington. And i didnt push in a chair cornered by the crew team. I was a freshman at the time. And, yeah, it wasnt fun time to be slapped around by so you went over to football where it was less violent . Well, yes. Well, you got to wear a helmet. laughter and i was a i was a terrible football player. I was on the practice squad. I loved doing it. But the defense would come at you, and on the practice squad, i would just cry, and poop they felt great. They went into games feeling great. They got beat after that, because i was terrible. Stephen you were basically a ligtackling dummy. Yes. And i even put, like, a big orange sock over me to look like one. I couldnt move my arms at all. Stephen how did you go from that to comedy . Did you start in college . Of course, when you get out of College Football its either broadcasting or embittered shouldnt even be in college i was so bad at it. As you know, your muse sits down next to you and taps ow the the nose and says, its time for comedy. No, i was super high. No. laughter i dont know. It was the only thing i was good at, other than taking a ball and throwing it through a ring, as a sport. Yeah, so you were a carney . Yes. Steph a light beer with me all the time. I actually saw you perform in chicago. Stephen what if steve carell. Stephen at second city. At second city back in 1972. When you had just gotten out of graduate school. Stephen exactly. It was the two of us, bellucci. Yup. Bellucci, and bing crosby. He was amazing. He did the music. laughter . Stephen talk about a bitter alcoholic. Oh, man. People still love bing so much, so you should read his bio. Yeah. Huge jerk. We have really accomplished a lot here tonight. Screw you, bing cross brie no . Barumabumbum . I loved improv and we went and saw you and carell, and you guys, off night, but whatever no, im kidding. Stephen it happened. It was improvisation, like 25 of it is good. And the rest, 75 of it is like, i bet its going to be good any minute. No, honest to god, thats true. 25 is good. You guys were up to 35 at least. Stephen probably, yeah. Im sorry. Im a dick. As you can tell. Stephen no, you know who is a dick . Bing crosby. Bing crosby. Stephen beloved beloved dont get me started on bob hope. Good guy, really good guy. Yeah, he was. Stephen solid guy. Still alive. Stephen exactly. Please come out here. Bob . laughter no, is bob hope or bing crosby in your new show on cbs . What a transition, everybody. Thank you. Stephen thats why they gave me the gig. How many cbs actors have been through here in the last three weeks. Stephen 400 cbs act organize the entire exactly. Yes, its called you called its not its called kevin can wait. Stephen oh, the Great Indoors . But we can fix this in post and no one will know. Stephen i dont think we can. I think theyll yang the show after we said that about bing. The Great Indoors. The bleep bing crosby. Stephen the the Great Indoors. Because it takes the phrase something called outside magazine. Its the equivalent of outside magazine. They already love it. Stephen its a hit. Its the number one comedy that hasnt been on tv yet. Hasnt been on tv. Stephen everyone will be talking about it. Very excited about the show that hasnt aired. Its tomorrow night after this lowrated hit big bang theory. Stephen thats nice positioning. Bing crosby, year like, take that guy out. But, yeah, its great positioning. Im very believe me, ive never had a nicer time slot in my life after the vietnam time slot i had canw community, which was literally up against the big bang theor. And i said, lets join them. Now were on after the big bang theory. Im going to johnny gileckeys house and give him a sponge bath. Stephen agreement idea for another show. But in the the Great Indoors a magazine. Yes, works at a magazine. Stephen that is no longer a magazine. It has become a web site. Now i have to work indoors. I come in from the wilderness. Stephen because youre an outdoorsman. And i have to deal with young people, and older person, stephen frey. The Great British comedian. applause yeah. Stephen great guy. A really good guy. The opposite of bing crosby. Stephen and we have a clip here. We have a and good news. We just had our most retweeted online poll, best outdoor gear for the zombie apocalypse. Yeah can you guess the number one killing tool . Remembering zombies dont exist. No, 10 spikes but we didnt give you enough time. Yeah, tent spikes. Youre so right, and so diverse. Ah. laughter . So good luck with your photos. Im going to see the guy who runs the real magazine. Ill think of you on my flight to pad goania. Stephen see. cheers and applause all right, sit down now oh stephen you also have a book coming up on the. Joel mchale, thanks for the money. You advise people how to be joel mchale. Its my life story. You can use it to become the best joel mchale you can be. I know what youre saying thank so yeah. I always find celebrity autobiographies to be not that interesting. So and my life definitely is not. Stephen this is useful. This is useful because you take my life, but then it will help you, as opposed to just, like, some story. It will literally teach you how to become a celebrity, and take advantage of that. Stephen thank you. I need some help. Oh, good. Much. Stephen joel mchale, everybody the Great Indoors premieres this thursday on cbs. Well be right back with abbi jacobson. We love you, bing. No, we dont. Stephen we love you, bing . . . applause ting retrieval sequ. Activating thrusters. Target acquired. Astronauts can vote from space. Take a break from the election with red or blue tea. Make time for snapple. foot steps . crickets chirping . jet engine . heart beat . engine revving tires on wet road . Lease the exhilarating 2017 lincoln mkz for 349 a month only at your lincoln dealer. . I will follow you, . . Ever since you touched my hand i knew . . I love you, i love you, i love you. . . Where you go ill follow, ill follow, ill follow. . . Forever . . Robert kearney i fought for my country in kosovo and iraq, and ive been a republican all my life. But im the father of three girls. I cant stand hearing donald trump call women pigs, dogs, and bimbos. And i sure and respected. Donald trumps america is not the country i fought for. So, im voting for Hillary Clinton. Hillary clinton im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. . Saw coming. Grilled, glazed korean bbq shrimp. And try as much as you want of flavors like new parmesan peppercorn shrimp. , stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back, folks. My next guest is an artist, hilarious duo behind broad city. Her new book is carry this book. Please welcome back to the show abbi jacobson. . . . applause stephen nice to see you stephen now do you feel like you want somebody with you . It feels weird. Wheres alana. Stephen last time you were here together during the d. N. C. , and now were only 13 days away from the election. How is your anxiety level doing . I feel like im positive. But i im happy the debates are over. I was very i was so angry. Stephen during the debates . Yeah. Wasnt everyone . applause yeah excited . You were. Stephen yeah, there were so many things to make jokes about. Youre right. Stephen thats my bread and butter. It was harvest time. Me and the boys and girls were out of the field with our scythes. We can bottle some stuff. Stephen youre a hip millennial, right . Let me ask you this do you ever describe yourself as a millennial . No. Stephen then you are a right, the only people that dont were you born before 1995 but after 1984. 84. Stephen demographers say youre a millennial. You just scared me. I was like, i hope i know the year. I knew it. Stephen the year you were born . Well, this is you forget . Im on the spot i know it. I know it. Stephen most of the time. 84. Okay. Stephen a great year. It was a great morning in america that year, reagan. Yeah. Stephen do you remember reagan . Have you heard stories about reagan . I mean, as a millennial, i remember bits and piece s. Stephen he was a nice man. Right. Stephen he was a very nice man. He meant well. laughter he meant very well. Now do you know anybody who is voting for trump . No. I dont think i know one person. Stephen i know a few . You do. Stephen i might be related to a few. Theyre nice people. Theyre nice people. Nice people can vote for both people. Im sure i hope they dont. Probably. Stephen i think there is a fair amount of that, dont want to tell you. Yeah, which should say something. Kind of, right. Stephen yeah kind of, yeah. Secret ballot. Yeah. Stephen oh, like voting for trump is like porn. laughter i dont want you to see my Search History or vote history. I bet theres a lot of porn about trump. Stephen trump porn . Im sure. Stephen fan fiction . Im sure. If not, now there probably im ging stephen dont do that. Because youre in show business. Youre in the idea business. Now, you have you have a new book called. Carry this book. applause . I love that that got a laugh. Stephen s and this i i did not know that you were an artist. Its a picture book, which is great, because thats my reading level. Thats fantastic. And its all things that you pockets, famous people. Yeah, its sort of my own fan fiction of different people, famous and really wellknown fictional characters and what i think they might carry around with them. Stephen heres beyonce. Whats she got in her book. Hot sauce, obviously. Shes got some i did all her apps. Shes got some cheeros down here. Shes got the secret. Stephen whats hillary got in her bag . Heres hillary right here. Hillary, laeld gaga fan club metrocard, because she needs to practice, you know. Takes a couple that swipe can be tough. Youve got to get that rhythm. Stephen uhhuh. Shes got hot sauce as well. Everyone in the book doesnt have hot sauce. laughter stephen and heres donald trump. What have we got here . Donald. I had to laughter hes got the building walls for dummies book. Hes got very, very large gloves for show. laughter research how like, different selftanning lotions. Theres a lot. I wanted to include a lot more. And this is this is the maybe i think he really does like sees candy. And im sure sees candy will hate that i did that. Stephen you really should have tic taces in here. This is one of the first ones i did. Stephen before we knew what he was l daily, weekly. Stephen have you always been an artist . Yeah, my i come from my family is really creative. My brother is a graphic designer. I grew up drawing. I went to art school. Stephen can i show you one thing im good at . I will show you one thing im good at. I can only draw one thing. Wow, you have good stuff back there. These are my favorite mark glers are they really . I really should be sponsored by this company at this point. Im just giving them okay, this is the only thing this is just really an erotic drawing. laughter you are really good. At this. Yeah. Obviously. I know this. cheers and applause stephen okay . Youre youre your line work is great. Stephen would you like this . Can you sig stephen ill sign it, sure. Yeah, oh, great. Stephen there you go. All for you, darling. Oh, yeah. Stephen thank you so much. Great, look at that. cheers and applause stephen carry this book is available everywhere books are sold. Abbi jacobson, everybody. Well be right back with jon im hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. But that doesnt stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. Thatd be devastating. I took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about oncedaily xarelto. Xarelto . Significantly lowers the risk of stroke in people with afib not caused by a heart valve problem. It has similar effectiveness to warfarin. Warfarin interferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. Xarelto . Is selective targeting one critical factor of your bodys natural clotting function. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. Like all blood thinners, while taking you may bruise more easily, and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. Xarelto may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. Xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising or tingling. If you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. Do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical before starting xarelto tell your doctor about any conditions, such as kidney, liver or bleeding problems. To help protect yourself from a stroke, ask your doctor about xarelto. Theres more to know. Mike coffman, endorsed by the denver post. Hes a consistent warrior who took action against his partys president ial nominee, donald trump, and has urged republicans to stop stalling on immigration reform. Mike coffman. Reliable. A leader. Unlike morgan carroll, who the post calls disingenuous and partisan. If were ever to see gridlock reduced in congress, we need more representatives like coffman. Mike coffman. Endorsed by the denver post for congress. Im mike coffman, . . . . . . Where do you think youre going . . . Where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . . . . . . Give extra. Get extra. When cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula for a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. Whats it gonna be . An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. , om a ranchers perspective, we feel that often washington is removed from what we need. Senator bennet is different. Michael bennet has been at the ready and always willing to listen. Razing fees, senator bennet stepped up and helped put a stop that. He commits to his word, and that means a lot to a guy like me. Im a republican, but i know that Michael Bennet trusts us and we trust him. Im Michael Bennet my next guest is a comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director whose new show is jon glaser loves gear. Please welcome jon glaser . . . applause stephen good to see you again, man. Good to see you gr always so nice, man. Its really great to be here. Stephen its really great to have you. Im a huge fan. Weve known each other 20 years or Something Like that. A long time. Stephen one of the funniest guys i know. This is one of the greatest people out there. Stephen congratulations on the show. Its amazing. My dead dad was in z. Z. Top. The real story of ilana glazer. Its a real book based on a fake true story. Stephen its always available in stores . It was out a few years ago, but you can go on amazon and get a discounted copy. Stephen fantastic. Suedable for framing. Stephen the show came out yes. Stephen and every week you explore a new realm of gear . Different topic, yes. Stephen what makes something gear and not just stuff . Its a very its hard to describe and define. Stephen try. Put some effort in. Its, you know, pick your pick the activity you love. Stephen ill give you some things. You tell me if this is gear or whether this is just stuff. Okay . Okay. Stephen gear or gadget, stephen is it really . I think so. Stephen gadget is a subcategory . Yes, it falls under the umbrella gear is a big golf umbrella and it covers a lot of things. Just made that up just now. laughter stephen you know whats gear . A golf umbrella. Recouple bant bike. Gear. Stephen whiskey stones . Gear. Stephen those shoes that have the individual toes built in. Eck i mean, its stephen apple watch . Gear. Stephen automated vegetable peeler . Gear. laughter . Stephen tshirt cannon. Oh, gear, yeah. laughter i guess its really not so much the definition. Its how you say the word. Stephen what cow mean . Meaning like gear. Geear. Gear stephen whats the most gear you can say a word . Geeeear stephen. cheers and applause that got applause. Fantastic. No. Stephen now, i know youre a nice guy. Thank you. Stephen you know. From when i knew you. You may have changed since then. But youve played a lot of jerks. Do you think you do you have experience with jerks yourself . Have you ever met any people you model your jerkdom on. I have had experience with a major jerk. Stephen who . Can you say swear words on this show. Stephen sure. You can say ahole with two ss in between. I met one of the biggest bleep in the world. Its not so much that i met him. I had a close encounter. Stephen who is this . Donald trump. cheers and applause and it was a few years ago at a new york rangers hockey game. I was sitting in some really incredible seats where a lot of wealthy, famous people sit. Im not one of those people. I was with a famous person, a fan. I loaf hockey. Its not who i was with. Im not name dropping. It was will arnett. Stephen hold on. And we are walking to our seats and i can see in our row its donald trump. We have to stand and first of all, you can see on his face, which is already miserable, that he just cannot believe he has to stand for another human being. And hes just so miserable. As were approaching, i realize, oh, hes not only standing for us. Hes holding this little teeny, and he was holding it in such a nonnormal way its not like a normal person that would just stand and let you pass, there you go, go ahead, and hold the ice cream so it doesnt get on you. He held it up here right in front of his face with this terrible look on his face. And im passing this close. And as im approaching him, like, every comedy instinct in me is telling me like, pretend to trip and just throw the full weight of your body into him, because he was holding it right here. cheers and applause . Stephen how long ago was this . Three and a half years ago. Stephen he wasnt even running for president. He was holding the ice cream here. And its one of those things that has haunted me because i feel like had i done that and i didnt but had i done that, im truly convinced that he would have dropped out of society. He would have become it would have become like it it would have been a gasp in the stadium. Page six, then bigger news, then world news. He becomes this is going to inspire copy cats. Im dropping out of society. And he doesnt run for president. Now, heres the thing. I would have been killed. Theres no doubt in my mind. He would have associated, who is that lose wer will arnett . Oh, hes a comcomedy guy. Have him killed. Pretty good trump. I would have been a hero to the president applause as you pointed out, we wouldnt know that. Stephen no one would know what you did. None of us would be sitting here be maybe five of us. But all of our lives would have been different from that point on, because that would have been world news. Stephen can i ask a question about this entire story . Yeah. Stephen were you wearing this . I was wearing this with a sport coat. You have to wear a sport coat in those seats. Stephen john, good to see you, man. And good to see the man. Always the jon glaser loves gear airs wednesdays on trutv. Jon glaser, everybody wednesdays on trutv. Jon glaser, everybody well be right back. Its no secret. Donald trump isnt for us. And unfortunately, congressman coffman isnt, either. Just listen. And as families struggle to make ends meet, coffman voted against equal pay for equal work 11 times. And thats all we really need to know. Late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be marylouise parker. Pusha t, and musical guest, the record company. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Ewan Mcgregor and isla fisher. Good night captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right . Its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from county court, ireland,