Thank you for coming. Its one more night of politics, tonight from philadelphia, the home of rocky balboa and cream cheese, the Season Finale of the Democratic National convention. The big question tonight, would Hillary Clinton accept the nomination, or america go home crying in a limousine in the most dramatic president ial nomination yet . And she accepted the nomination. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy it was a historic night. Were either going to have our first female president , or first president who sold a line of steaks at the sharper image. Remember that . By the way, i just want to say, after the two weeks of all this every night, im pretty sure Everybody Knows who theyre voting for. So why dont we save a lot of time and vote now. I mean, really, were going to sit around and wait for the ones who havent decided yet . After she spoke tonight, instead of the balloon drop, bill clinton climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had [ laughter and applause ] last night, president obama gave mrs. Clinton a powerful endorsement at the end of which, she joined him on stage for an embrace that was about as awkward as when the groom dances with his motherinlaw at a wedding. You know, Hillary Clintons secret Service Code Name is evergreen. Bill clintons is eagle. Donald trumps key name is mogul. It is. And the secret Service Code Name for melania was just revealed. Its muse. She wanted to be called moose, but they couldnt understand what she was saying. Mike pences code name is hoosier. This is when im especially sad donald trump didnt pick Chris Christie to be his running mate, because theres no way his code name wouldnt be hilarious no matter what it was. [ applause ] if youre going to announce someones code name, why give them a code name . Hillarys choice for running mate, virginia senator tim kaine gave a speech last night, where he revealed that not only does he habula espanol, hes got a way to do donald trump. Hes got a way to make the same two words, every time he makes his biggest, hugest promises. Believe me. Its gonna be great, believe me. Were going to build a wall and make mexico pay for it, believe me. Were going to destroy isis so fast. Believe me. Theres nothing suspicious in my tax returns. Believe me. Jimmy she believes him. He did such a convincing trump that tim kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 . Since the candidates are now doing impressions, we decided to do the same. We went to the dnc this week, we went to the rnc last week, with sock puppets of Hillary Clinton and donald trump. We handed the clinton puppet to republicans and the trump puppets to democrats and let the impersonations fly. Can you do an impression of donald trump talking about Hillary Clinton . Hillary clinton is crooked hillary. Hillary needs to learn that law and order law and order is where this country needs to go. Give me an impression of Hillary Clinton. La la la la la la la la. If the mouth is moving, she must be lying. What do you mean i have emails on my private server . No, theyre all deleted. Well, first, were going to build a real big wall, and then were going to make them pay for it. Mr. Trump, its between god and satan, and god will win every time. And, mr. Trump . Well, i i am better than god. Do you write speeches for him . Why do you expect the American People will believe what you have done, when you have done so many things that have hurt us and that we will get no relief let her talk a little. With the world you have left us in with barack obama . Well, i think that i have done everything right. I have given hey, youre a white guy. Hey, youre an older person. Hey, youre a republican. What do i have in common with you . Why would i talk to you . Lets go out on a date. She likes you. I would say no, he cannot make America Great again. And what do he mean about making America Great again. What would he say to that. You misunderstood me. I said im going to make america hate again. Compliment her hat. Say something about her hat. No. Ill give you something. What will you give me . Free schooling. Free anything. Its a pretty good hillary. Thank you. This is my first time. Would you like five or ten minutes alone with that . No. What would you like to say to Hillary Clinton . Drop dead. No, im serious. Do me a favor, drink this bottle of water and have her sing yangee doodle dandy. I dont think thats going to happen jimmy its politics bringing us together, were in a lot of trouble. Donald trump is having a bumpy week. Theres a big investigation today from buzzfeed that shows trumps private club, maralago and the golf club he owns filed applications to import 78 Foreign Workers to come into the u. S. To work for him. Because its very unlike him to say one thing and do the other. [ laughter and applause ] he wants to build a wall and bring in Foreign Workers. Its like hes playing a game of tick tack toe against himself. Or maybe this is a telemundo prank show. We sent a bunch of workers to the united states. Wait until they find out who their new boss is. Trump also claimed that he was joking when he said he hoped russia would find her emails. And on that thought, please welcome the troompaloompas, everybody. Troompaloompa dumpetydo ive got another puzzle for you troompaloompa doompety dee if you are wise youll listen to me. You should think twice what you have them to do someday the russians might hurt you it might take your tax returns troompaloompa dumpety do you will live in happiness too like the troompaloompa doompety do i must break you [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, troompaloompas. He imported them too. We have to take a break. When we come back, that loser matt damon was on jimmy fallon last night, attacking me. Well talk about that, and this week in unnecessary censorship too. So stick around, wroob. Well be right back. Well be right back. Well be right back. Well be right back. Everyone in the family. T a free Samsung Galaxy for thats right, a free Samsung Galaxy with every new line and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line. Plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. Dont wait. Get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone. So get tmobile now. Because our most epic deal ever is only for limited time. For our best Friends Family get tevent s. Thursday through sunday take an extra 20 off any way you pay plus, yes2you rewards members earn triple points. Plus, everyone gets kohls cash too. Nothing but the best savings. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Starbucks® smallbatch cold brew coffee. In stores now. The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. Choose your favorite pasta,or piadina or sandwich. It all comes with our neverending soup or salad. And all the breadsticks you want. Starting at just 6. 99 get neverending value for lunch, today at olive garden. Heart rate one fifty six. Jimmy sitting in with the cletones. Welcome back to the show. Greg kinnear is on the way. I dont want to ruin the mood, but im beside myself with rage. Can you see how much im shaking . Look at this. Look at my hand. Im very angry, because matt damon do you know who that is . I didnt ask for shouts of joy. Anyway, he has matt damon has a new jason bourne moving coming out tomorrow. I have no plans to see it. I dont know anybody that wants to see it, but hes going around trying to convince people to waste money on it. This is what happened last night on the tonight show. Ive seen you on talk shows. Youve been on jimmy kimmel, ive seen that. No, no, i havent. You called me, one invite, boom, here, made it on the show. Thats how you host a tv show. Thats gonna hurt his feelings. Jimmy oh, really . Thats how you host a talk show . Well, then i have some very bad news for you, matt. Youre not getting on the show again tonight either. Thats right, youre not on the show again tonight. Sorry, dummy, we cant hear anything youre saying. You can sit there all night long for all i care. We have better guests anyway. Poor greg kinnear had to be Siamese Twins with is ththat gu a whole movie. Anyway, back to the convention. Snoop dogg is in philadelphia right now. Hes hosting what they call a unity party. It is easy to be united when everyone is high, i will say that. But snoop is not your average popstar. He snop has his mind on his money and his money on his mind. But he also has a deep interest in learning. So tonight, we challenged him to see what product is being made. We showed him video from a factory. Well, it explains itself. What up, this is big snoop dogg, trying to get how this [ bleep ]s made. Let me see what they making right here. Oh, thats cereal. Thats cream of wheat. Wait a minute, maybe sheep hair. Ooh, what is that, boo boo . Flour. Cookie dough. Manure. Chocolate. That look like a malt. Chocolate malt. Damn. What is it . Oh, beef jerky . Hotdogs . This is a hotdog . Oh, man, i aint never eating no hotdog. [ laughter and applause ] every time i see my kid with a hotdog, im knocking that [ bleep ] out of his hands. If thats how they make hotdogs, i dont want one of them. Oh, kuz. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy one more thing before we forge ahead to this thursday night, which means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. Whether they need it or not, its this week in unnecessary censorship. I want to start off by [ bleep ] my beautiful wife ann. Tonight i ask you to do for Hillary Clinton, what you did for me. I ask you to [ bleep ] her, the same way you [ bleep ] me. I wanted to [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. I still see the donald trump who likes to [ bleep ] people in the [ bleep ] when he feels it. Pat lewis, are you [ bleep ] in your britches this morning . One, two, three, [ bleep ] you. Dont let anyone ever tell you that this [ bleep ] isnt great. I think its an all hands on [ bleep ] big time. Im a norker and i know a [ bleep ] when i see one. The dirty [ bleep ] you know is better than the dirty [ bleep ] you dont know. Sometimes a jockey needs a horse. It isnt always pleasant to watch, but it gets results. Ooh, he likes it when you roll him over and ride on his [ bleep ]. Show of hands, who likes small [ bleep ] . I do actually. Shes a natural leader. Shes a good organizer and shes the best darn [ bleep ] i ever met in my entire life. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy we have a good show for you tonight. Weve got Joe Bonamassa sitting in with the cletones, comedian dino archie is here, from the Ufc Dana White is here, and well be right back with greg kinnear. So stick around. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by chobani greek yogurt. Youve wished upon it all year, and now its finally here. The mercedesbenz summer event is back, with incredible offers on the mercedesbenz youve always longed for. But hurry, these shooting stars fly by fast. Lease the gle350 for 579 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. La charrue passe dans le ciel et je descends lentement im retired. Jimmy what did you do for a living before that . A business person. Jimmy you know when people are that vague about what they do, it makes me assume you were a prostitute. [ cheers and applause ] Joe Bonamassa sitting in the cletones. Wheres joes album . Do i have it . Its right in front of my face. This giant square they couldnt find. Its called blues of desperation. Theyre saying its the feelgood album of the summer. So pick that up. Joe will be here all night. And the multi millionaire, promoting ufc, dana white is with us tonight. And this is his cd, its called choosy lover, dino archie is here with us. Next week on the show, we have a lot of guests and ill name them noun, chris pine, salma hayek, hugh grant, morgan freeman, jojo the bachelorette, whoever she did or didnt pick. Funny if she comes alone. Mark consuelos, nikki glaser, steve martorano, and we will have music from kelsea ballerini, grouplove, miranda lambert, and young the giant. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is a multitalented fellow who has oscar and golden globe nomination certificates in a drawer and an emmy welded to the hood of his car. His new drama, little men, opens in theaters a week from tomorrow. Please welcome greg kinnear. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i like your facial hair. Is this our own hair, or is this hair that belongs to a character that youre playing . Matt damons backstage, and hes pissed. Okay . Get all your jokes out now, because hes rocking up that dana white backstage. Jimmy im glad hes not so crazy glued to you. Must have been the worst weeks of your life. Matt and i did a movie called stuck on you, it was during that phase when they were making a lot of con joined twin films. Jimmy i wonder if that will come back around. Its a cyclical cycle. And it was brought to my attention the other day, that the person who separated us was dr. Ben carson. No kidding. Thats absolutely true. Jimmy dr. Ben carson. Yeah, at that time, we didnt know how interesting he was. We just thought he was a genius. Listen, hes the only actor ive ever worked with who was able to give me an ekg after the scene was over, but, yeah jimmy thats really crazy. Have you been working all summer . Ive been editing a movie. I directed a film at the end of last year. Jimmy oh, whats the title . It is an untitled project. Jimmy you should give it a title. You really need to. Yeah. Jimmy whats the hold up . Maybe we can figure it out tonight with the audience. Whats it about . [ cheers and applause ] a depressed dentist in the portland area. Jimmy depressed dentist in portland who basically meets a man who has everything who ends up taking his own life by suicide. So hes trying to save his life by finding out an unraveling mystery as to why this guy did that, and in the course of this, becomes a greek plumber. Jimmy i have the title. Drilling deep. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy right . Its not a porn film. Jimmy well, well come up with it later, then, i guess. Talk backstage. Jimmy yeah. With your family how many kids do you have now . I have three daughters. Jimmy three daughters. Do they go to camp at this time of year . you knowhat,theydont go to camp. My wifes from england, and this is an ongoing debate. They just dont have camps in europe as much as they do here. Its not as much a part of the culture. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy i didnt know that. Yeah. I didnt either. So id like them to go to camp. But i had kind of a bad experience. I truthfully did have a very bad it wasnt bad for me, but there was a somewhat jimmy can you tell us what happened . I cant tell you. Jimmy eh, come on. I was im from the midwest, from indiana. Any indiana here . Jimmy no, we dont allow them in. Go ahead. [ laughter ] this concludes the interview, ladies and gentlemen. I actually was at this camp as a kid. And there was a there was a gentleman, you know, it was standard camp. Did you go to camp as a kid . Jimmy i didnt, no. My parents dropped us off at a school yard and paid 25 cents. There was a tether ball pole with a deflated tether ball at the end of it. And that was our camp. This wasnt drastically different. You would spend the night for a week or two weeks. I was dropped off at the Station Wagon by my parents. Got situated, went with a few friends. There was a cabin. There was a kid in the cabin who was somewhat of a troubled kid. He was a pain in the ass, really. He was upsetting the cool camp counsellor guy. Jimmy what was his name, the troubled kid . Dougie. Little dougie. I dont know why i remembered this. So this kid is nagging on this counsellor for a long period of time, and eventually i can tell that theyre getting theres a tension building. And one day, we were doing archery, which for some reason, i dont know why archery is the de facto, goto sport for camp. Were shooting little archery. The counsellor, nash, cool guy, 18, got the brillo hair cut. Hes like taking care of us. Hes like, has anybody seen dougie . And nobodys seen dougie for a while. And he is just mia on this particular day. So were shooting our bows and arrows and over the meadow, quite a ways away, suddenly a sesame seed of a kid walks up and hes shouting at the counsellor, antagonizing him, hes a jerk, hes wearing the wrong outfit. And the counsellor, in a moment of ill never forget, he didnt do it to didnt think he was going to hurt the kid, but he did take his bow and arrow, and he shot it in the direction of this sesame seed thats approaching us. And all ten of the little kids in this camp suddenly stop and im looking up, thinking, thats got some pretty good height on it. And you can see this arrow moving, moving across the sky. And sure enough suddenly little dougie raises up his arm, and has an arrow through it. Hes been shot. Now hes okay. Hes all right. But this guy, just in an act of accidental frustration, shot the arrow, hit the kid, and all i remember is 30 minutes later, my parents picking me up in the Station Wagon. And that ended my camp story. Jimmy the movie is called little men. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] time is the most valuable thing there is. [cuckoo cuckoo] people try to beat time. [scream]. But time always wins. Our greatest fear is running out of time. Theres a bomb in the salsa can we gotta get out of here my phones still charging so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . Why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . [explosion] [explosion] ahhhhhhhh the galaxy s7 edge, with fast Wireless Charging and our longest lasting battery. Come on come on. P g. Proud sponsor of moms. My son and i used to watch the red carpet shows on tv now, im walking them. Life is unpredictable being flake free isnt. Because i have used head and shoulders for 20 years. Used regularly, it removes up to 100 of flakes keeping you protected live flake free for life man, im glaaflac c pays cash. Isnt Major Medical enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . 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Plus, specially tagged vehicles get a 1000 smart bonus. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. Maybe. The skate park today . You can make it grrreat kelloggs frosted flakes gives you the sweet spark to go all in and let your great out. Theyre grrreat fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. You ever think about anybody other than yourself . Huh . Say something, jake Say Something one of the hardest things to realize when youre a child and that your parents are people too. You understand that . They care about things. They make mistakes. They try to do what they think is the right thing to do. Does any of what im saying make any sense to you . Whats so funny, tony . Huh . Why dont you tell me whats so funny, tony. You think you got it in you to be an actor . Jimmy tony doesnt take life very seriously. Thats little men, opens a week from tomorrow, starring greg kinnear. Tell us why youreelling at your son and his friend. Its not the most lovely scene there. Jimmy i know. By the way, your acting is so good, it makes me feel like you must be kind of a mean father. Yeah, send those kids to camp. [ laughter ] no, honestly, theyre great kids. Jimmy hold on, joe is exploding. Okay, were all right. Youre all right. Im scarred from that. The actual the movie is called little men, and its a great film. Jimmy it is very good. I enjoyed it a lot. Thank you very much. Iris axe directed it. Takes place in brooklyn. These two boys were fantastic in the movie. One of them is my son. Create this friendship when we move into this neighborhood. Unfortunately, were forced, our family, because we have limited money, and are going through a hard time, to displace his friend and his friends mother from below our little store front in brooklyn where theyve been working for many years. So its a real mixed dynamic. Its a great film. He did a wonderful job with it, and im very happy with it. Jimmy you should be. You did a great job with it too. When im not screaming. Jimmy well, even when you are screaming, you did a great job. Speaking of your kids, i want to bring this up, because this is very impressive. This is a newspaper article about your daughter lily. How old is lily . 12 years old. Jimmy and shes a karate champion. [ cheers and applause ] theres lily. You cant see her at all, but how did this happen . You know, i dont know. I dont know. Jimmy you were not a karate champion at that age . I was not. And theres nothing in our Family History or lineage that would suggest that she would ever take this up. Shes just very good at it and took an interest a few years ago and has gotten exceedingly better and shes trained in weapons. Jimmy what kind of weapons is she trained in . Well, theyre like like jack knives or something. I dont know what they call them. These sort of sword, little miniature sword knives. Jimmy at the meet, does she fight the other children with knives, or is it a purely a wave them around kind of thing . No, i dont think they actually fight with the knives. They do have, you know, do actual fight. Dana white should be here telling this. Jimmy from the ufc, yeah. Dana could sign your daughter up. Do you think thats something your daughter might one day be interested in doing, fighting mixed martial arts . I sure hope not. Jimmy what could be worse than watching that. First time you see a 12yearold put a mouthpiece in, you get a little like, whoa, sure you dont want to play soccer . Yeah, but shes very good in it, and very disciplined in it, and she takes it quite seriously. Jimmy if she continues studying, at what age will she be actually able to beat her father up. I think we crossed that already. [ laughter ] however, she five years away from college, so im perfectly fine with it. Jimmy combination of pride and humiliation with Something Like that. Its very good to see you. The movie is called little men. Greg kinnear, everybody. Opens a week from tomorrow. Well be right back with dana white from the office. From the ufc. Starbucks® cold brew coffee. Available in original black. And now with housemade vanilla sweet cream. Smooth meets sweet. In stores now. Only at starbucks. For our best Friends Family get tevent s. Thursday through sunday take an extra 20 off any way you pay plus, yes2you rewards members earn triple points. Plus, everyone gets kohls cash too. Nothing but the best savings. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. We asked real people to use on their bums. Why do you think the ripples make a difference . It gets it all clean. They give me a very happy feeling bum. Cleanripple texture is designed to clean better. Go cottonelle, go commando. Hey, youre yes, sir. 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Our next guest puts more violent americans to work than anyone has before. He presides over the ultimate fighting championship. Ufc 201 lawler vs woodley airs live, saturday night on payperview. Please welcome dana white. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how you doing . Well, we are fellow lass vegans. Yes, i went to school with your cousins. Jimmy i know you did. Gorman high school. Happy birthday, by the way. Thank you, appreciate it. [ applause ] i feel every minute of 47. Jimmy is this the happiest birthday yet after making 4 billion . It doesnt suck. Jimmy you had 9 of the ufc, is that correct . I had 10. And then we sold a point to abu dhabi when they bought a few years ago. And then we just jimmy so now you have 360 million, plus whatever you had before that, correct . I got a couple bucks. [ laughter ] jimmy does it all come at once, or are there installments . Is there a giant novelty check that youre presented with, like ed mcmann . When you do a deal like this, it has to go through a bunch of regulation, and when the thing finally closes, yeah, i guess you get a check. Jimmy will you build a castle . You know, im at a point im 47. Ive been working weve been doing this for almost 20 years. I dont know what else i need. You know . Jimmy thats a good way to look at it. But i can figure some things out, if you i can tell you this, and this is the honest to good truth. When this deal closed, it bugged me out a little bit. Jimmy why . I dont know. When you make that kind of money and my partners, ive been with them for 20 years. So thats all going to change. I have new partners now. And, yeah, i kind of howd hughesd myself up in a hotel room. Didnt sleep or eat. Freaked me out a bit. Jimmy do you have people asking you for money already . Oh, rk, yeah. [ bleep ]. Jimmy relatives coming out of the wood work. I dont answer phone calls at all. [ laughter ] jimmy when you got involved with the ufc, it was a small thing. Nobody was really paying attention to it. Yeah, so the easiest version of it, i was a boxing guy. Ive been in the fight game since i was 19 years old. My partner, lorenzo fertiedis, they own Station Casinos in las vegas. Jimmy thats where our band leader clio got his start, playing saxophone in the palace station. Did he . Oh, wow. So we always said we were going to do something. I managed tito ortiz and chuck liddel at the time. And i used to get into the contract negotiations with the old owner of the ufc. And basically one day, we were on the phone. I was talking about payperview and hes like, there is no payperview. This things going out of business, were losing money and all this stuff. And i called my partner in miami at the time, i said, i think we can buy the ufc. I think these guys are in trouble. Theyre going out of business. A couple months later, we bought it for 2 million. Now you told it for 4 billion. Have you heard from the guy you bought it from . [ laughter and applause ] hes like a tv guy. He had spent a lot of his own money trying to make this thing work. Yeah, we were inducted jimmy please send bob a million dollars. [ laughter ] we were inducting bob into the hall of fame. The ufc hall of fame. Jimmy oh, thats great, he gets a plaque. [ laughter ] when the deal was announced, he canceled. Jimmy oh, my god. Poor bob. I love him. Jimmy yeah, you love him. Are you a boss that your fighters like working for . Are you tough . Are you compassionate . Who likes their boss . Jimmy well, i like my boss. Hes number one. [ laughter and applause ] guillermo loves his boss. We all love the boss publicly. Its one of those things. At the end of the day, our fighters are independent contractors. So they can really i cant make anybody fight. I put together fights. I build the platform. I, you know, do all the bells and whistles, and they have to show up and deliver. But i have good relationships with most of the guys. Theres some guys i cant stand. Jimmy theres some crazy guys in that league. We dont have to love each other to do business together. Jimmy i see. How did you wind up speaking at the Republican National convention . So, crazy story. When we first bought the ufc, it had such a bad stigma attached to it, no venues wanted us at all. Jimmy especially in new york. It was banned in new york. Donald trump called. When you look at where Donald Trumps brand was then and where our brand was, the fact that this guy called and said, i would love for you to come and hold the event here in atlantic city. He did the deal himself. He was so involved. Then when we went out there and put on the show, the guy shows up for the first prelim, until the last till the main event. Twice. So we did two with him. Then we left and went to the meadowlands, because it was bigger. Showed up at the meadowlands and did that. Any time anythings happened in my career, hes the first guy to pick up the phone and call, and say congratulations, unbelievable, i knew youd do it. Hes always been a great guy. Jimmy so youve been friends and he asked you to speak at the convention . So what happened is, one saturday, i was hanging out at my house and they said donald trump just said in the norkt that hes asking you to speak at the convention. All this press is calling me. He hasnt asked me anything. Then he called me. Even the way he handled it. He said, i understand, when you own a business, to be political, he said, i completely understand if you dont want to do it, no hard feelings. I said, im in, im in, ill do it. Jimmy that was all you needed to hear from him . Has he promised you an ambassadorship or a cabinet position, anything like that . No, nothing like that. Jimmy because you could get that out of him. [ laughter ] you really could. Im good. Ill stay out of that mess. Jimmy you will be with the ufc for at least five years, potentially beyond that . Yeah. When you do deals like this, i have a fiveyear deal. Jimmy yeah, they want you to stay, because otherwise its not necessarily worth as much, true . I dont know about that, but thank you. I love this sport, i love what i do for a living. I would have signed a 55year deal with these guys. So im in. Jimmy congratulations on all your success. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ufc 201, lawler versus woodley, saturday night. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] with this level of intelligence. Its a supercomputer. With this grade of protection. Its a fortress. And with this standard of luxury. Its an oasis. Introducing the completely redesigned eclass. Its everything you need it to be. And more. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest is a very funny man with a comedy album called choosy lover. Please welcome dino archie [ cheers and applause ] yes, excited to be here on Jimmy Kimmel Live excited to be here. I am a little hungover. I just had a birthday two months ago. And after 30, a hangover turns into pneumonia. But at this age, life still reminds me im not quite an adult. I try to log into my itunes account. Forgot the password. They started asking me all the perjury questions like whats your mothers maiden name and why is your dad not proud of you. [ laughter ] then they gave me an option. They said, would you like to retrieve a security question you wrote yourself four years ago. Im like, of course ill know this. No lie, the question i wrote myself was, my [ bleep ] what it do. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . You always know what it do, home boy youll never not know what it do. I have no idea what it do. I dont know what it did. I dont know why itunes let me do that. Why werent they like, are you sure . Its like a time capsule for ignorance. I am in a relationship and netflix is keeping us together. Yeah, because when youre in a bad relationship, you bond over a series. You know, youre like, pablo, move that dope. Lets get it but the only way to break that bond is if you watch the next episode without her. Its like cheating. You know, i was in dubai and my girl called me, 3 00 a. M. Her time and shes pissed. Im like, whats wrong . She goes, i had this nightmare that you were watching the finale of game of thrones without me. Im like, id never do that. But i have a really i have a really old laptop, though. And the sound kept playing. Right . Shes like, whos that in the background . Is that cal easey . I just had to lie, im like thats just some chick i met at the club tonight. Shes like, okay, im going back to sleep. She didnt give a [ bleep ]. But you gotta have you gotta have the show ready, because once your series ends, your relationship ends. Unless you have something ready. So the show that we found was the bachelorette. Right . I dont know, yeah. First i wasnt on board. Im like, why am i watching this . What is this . Ten minutes later, im like, oh my god. Is she gonna sleep with nick . Is she gonna tell shaun . She cant tell shaun. Hes too insecure. Like, i fell in love with these characters. The host is the best. Has the best job on tv. 20 years, Chris Harrison pops up every episode twice. To get his money, you know, like, right, he knocks on the door, she lives in the mansion. Shes like hey, chris, how you feeling . Im so confused. Hes like, youll figure it out. Then he leaves. He comes back during the rose ceremony and hes late. He comes back when theres one rose left. He doesnt know whats going on. Caitlin, you have one rose left. [ applause ] and the biggest thing, though, is the breakup. The breakup is crazy. Its like when shes breaking up with dudes, its like a scary movie, you know, like, i get into it. So im watching and im screaming at the tv. This dudes walking to her house. Im like, no, turn around, man dont go in the house shes gonna dump you but he doesnt know that, because he hasnt seen the previews. Thats my time, thank you so much, man. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy dino archie, everybody. Youre right, Chris Harrison is a slacker. Apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. Nightline is next. Thanks for watching. Goodnight. [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. I accept your nomination tonight, an historic night. Hillary clinton makes the case for why she should be the first female president of the united states. Calling on the convictions of our forefathers, saying, theres still work to be done. We have to look out for each other, and lift each other up. Taking on donald trump. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons. Plus, being hillary. Shes been in the nations spotlight for decades, and yet to many, still impenetrable, untrustworthy. Are her biggest weaknesses also her greatest strengths . But first the nightline five