Zach woods and a performance by comedian nick griffin. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey boom ba welcome. Hey, everybody. Hey, you down there. Sorry, i dropped my phone. I dropped my phone. I always just carry a phone with me. Just in case. I gotta go. I gotta talk to sorry, i gotta go. Hey, everybody. Let me have a shot of that. Actually, let me have a shot of that. And. Welcome to the late show. Thank you so much, everybody. Hi, jon. Jon happy birthday. Stephen thank you very much. Happy to be here. It is my birthday. Thank you so much, everybody. cheers and applause in case youre wondering, 15 and a half, 33, in case you want to get me something. We were talking about this yesterday, and were still talking about it today, everybodys talking about yesterdays closed door meeting between speaker of the house paul ryan and speaker of the mouth donald trump. Everybody. All the republicans are saying it went great. But bring the Republican Party together is going to be a slow process because paul ryan stressed that its very important we dont fake uniifying. Okay, yeah. Paul ryan doesnt want to fake it and trump is having trouble finding the g. O. P. Spot. laughter applause i hear its a myth. I hear jon hey, hey stephen i hear the g. O. P. Spot is a myth. laughter besides, people can smell fake unity a mile away, whether its the reunited guns n roses or postcivilwar america. It doesnt what else is happening in the news . What else is happening. Oh, right, donald trump. According to the Washington Post, back in the early 90s he would call news organizations pretending to be his own publicist to brag about himself, he hid behind a fake name. Its hard to believe that there was a time when donald trump was ashamed to say how tremendous he is. The Washington Post says they have recordings of multiple calls from Public Relations men who sound precisely like trump himself going by the name of john miller and sometimes john baron. Who said things about trump like hes doing hes doing tremendously well financially. Madonna wants to go out with him. Carla bruni is leaving mick jagger to date him. On top of those two, hes got three other girlfriends. And that doesnt even count the secret girlfriends hes got in canada. And in the 90s, trump admitted under oath he was john miller, and the whole thing was a joke gone awry. So a lot like his president ial campaign. cheers and applause jon he always telling his story, man. Stephen but this morning on the today show, trump said said this. Are you aware of the tape . Is it you . I dont know anything about it. Youre telling me about it for the first time. It doesnt sound like me at all. Stephen wow, i dont know who that guy on the phone was, but he does one hell of a john miller impression. Clearly donald trump acted as his own publicist under a pretend name, which is odd, but no odder than anything else hes ever done. And i just dont think theres any reason for him to deny phone rings sorry, i knew i should have shut this off. Hold on, i have to take this. Hello. Hello, stephen . This is Donald Trumps new p. R. Spokesman, john ald, uh. Melaniawitz. laughter applause stephen im sorry, melaniawitz . I mean, barron mcjohnington. Anyway, listen here, dummy. I was watching your show, and i dont like the lies youre telling about donald trump, who is my incredibly successful boss and definitely a different guy than me. Laugh stephen wait, youre saying that back in the 1990s donald trump did not pretend to be his own publicist . Of course not. He didnt have time back then. He was too busy banging madonna, and jessica rabbit. Stephen look, mr. Mcjohnington, jessica rabbit was animated. She sure was, if you know what i mean. We had loony tune sex. I mean, donald trump did. Stephen come on, youre obviously donald trump. I wish i was. The man is a god, an Unstoppable Force of charisma and sexual energy. Sometimes i wish i could have sex with him myself. Stephen look, mr. Mcjohnington whos that . Stephen its you. Not anymore. He got fired. Im his new publicist, milljohn ivankatower. Stephen look, mr. Trump mr. Trump is not available. Hes making love to taylor swift on a boat made of steaks. The best. Got to go stephen hello . I gotta go, too, hey. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Stephen me, too. cheers and applause stephen hey, do you guys like emojis . cheers and applause i love them. They are one of my favorite things. They express how i feel whether im feel happy or sad or flag of norway. All of my feelings. Everybody likes emojis but not everyone is properly represented in emojis. For instance, women are not well represented in the emoji world. But i just read that google has announced that its going to start producing new emojis that will represent professional women such as scientists, doctor, educators, and farmers. The farmer emoji, of course, fertilizer her field with the poop emoji. Im glad emojis are becoming more inclusive. It was only recently that they added skin Color Options to represent people who dont v have jaundice. Apparently, even though women use emojis more than men, theyre a little underrepresented in the emojiverse. Let me show you how uneven it is. If youre a man in the world of emoji, you can be a police officer, a british palace guard, a santa with a weird fleshbeard, a private investigator, a. I want to say bike helmet salesperson . A swami, a construction worker who also sells pot, and the saxophone player for stay human. cheers and applause put it up jimmy laughter fantastic i cant tell wait, which one of you is real . Which one of you do i shoot . I dont eddie, do you get any cash . Do you get your beak wet on that one . No, no money . I would sue. I would definitely sue. Now, on the female side, you can be a princess, a bride, a flamenco dancer, or the two slices of bread in a hugh hefner sandwich. Not exactly a ton of options for women. And when emoji men arent working at their marijuana factory jobs, they can do all sorts of leisure activities, such as running, walking while slouching upon golfing, surfing rowing a boat, swimming, biking obiking past a mountain, touring the world under the stage name john appleseed, weightlifting riding a horse, or being a levitating blues brother. Super useful. But for women, emojis dont have as many options. If you want to represent what you do to relax theres. Well. Did i mention you can flamenco dance . And maybe surf hard to tell the sex between the long hair and surf slacks. And, hey, maybe the person riding the gondola is a woman . Or maybe its a woman flying this rocket. And maybe this ghost was a woman. And she had a great career as a chemical engineer, but killed herself when she realized her only leisure activity was flamenco dancing. So i do hope the emoji world gets a few more women, because right now, its a bit of an eggplantfest. Well be right back with matt bomer. applause im savin you five hundred coming soon from progressive, its savin u, the new hit single from the dizzcounts. Cash money the Biggest Discount and understand. The dizzcounts. Safe driver, paperless, paidinfull, multicar and joey fatone. Savin you five hundred im savin you five hundred we have autotune, right . Oh, yeah. Thats a hit all yeah my son and i used to watch the red carpet shows on tv now, im walking them. Life is unpredictable being flake free isnt. Because i have used head and shoulders for 20 years. Used regularly, it removes up to 100 of flakes keeping you protected live flake free for life think you know tmobiles coverage . Think again in the last year weve doubled our lte coverage. Our new extendedrange lte now reaches twice as far. And is 4 times better in buildings. See for yourself at tmobile. Com slash coverage. Never underestimate the power of energizer. Our longest lasting energizer max ever. When you can be in the moment . Olive garden now offers catering delivery. We make the food and deliver it to your door. So you can enjoy whats important. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. I think i just drooled on my nose just now. Welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a golden globewinner who you know from white collar and magic mike. His new movie is the nice guys. You hear that . Excuse me. Evening. You hear that sound just a second ago . Oh, yeah, just now. That was me. I threw that little girl out the window. Stephen oh, my god please welcome matt bomer applause stephen thanks for being here. Happy birthday stephen oh, thank you very much, thank you very much. His birthday i get to be on i brought you a present. Its backstage, but youre a very svelte, so i cant imagine youll eat it. Stephen did you really bring me a birthday present . Yes. Stephen thats very nice. Its the least i can do. Stephen im working on my birthday. It doesnt seem fair at all. I heard something, did you really come here on the subway . Yeah, di. After about an hour in the car in new york rainy traffic rush hour, we switched over to the subway, hopped on the e train, and were here. Stephen did you get any attention . Were people like, hey, its ken from magic mike. Shake it up. I shook it. I tried to make some 1s and 5s on the way. Stephen exactly. You know, its very expensive to ride the subway now. Stephen its showtime, ladies. Cover that bill. Stephen thank you for being here. We had two of your compatriots last night. I heard. It got a little hairy but you were a great mediator. Ryan gosling and Russell Crowe were fighting over who needed one more than the other. That Russell Crowe is an intimidating guy. You fight him in this movie . I do fight him quite extensively. I fight both of them which was fun. I got to play grownup cop copsd robbers. It was one of the first things i filmed where russell was choking me quite severely and, you know stephen on camera. On camera. laughter in rehearsal. And, you know, its the gladearty. You have all these images. Stephen wasnt it maximus. Yes, basically fighting maximus. Good luck with that. I hope it goes well for you. Stephen he says he doesnt do his own stunts. Oh, yes he does. Stephen he says he doesnt. He said he leaves it to the other guys. He does his own stunt. Yeah, but we made it sure we had it down pat and had three takes instead of 20. I was terrified. I thought maybe he will choke me out. He wont kill me, but he might choke me. It will be great, it will be legitimate. Well get it on camera. Ill wake up at some point to smelling salt salts and everyboy will say go home, great job. But he was great about it and relaxing me, and as he put his large thumbs on my jugular, he said, this is is for magic mike. laughter applause at which point you have made it. A lot of guys are on board with that sentiment, i gotta say. You guys all you fit people made it tougher for those of us who dont flash it as much. laughter who perhaps have had more birthdays than you have had. laughter you feel any guilt about that . Theres how fit you are when youre doing magic mike and theres the fit you are when wh youre not doing magic mike and its not the same thing. Stephen you do seem kind of fat right now. Hey, fatty, hey, tubby. I ate some of your birthday gift. Stephen im doing to know what it is. What is it . I got you magnolia donuts and cupcake s. Stephen can we bring those out here. I want to eat them right now i dont believe you, ill eat the hedouble hockey sticks out of it. Stephen im from south carolina. Charleston. Savannahs sister city. Stephen savannah, ive heard of this. Stephen lets read the note. I wrote you a card. The pen didnt work very well. Stephen happy birthday, the pen didnt work very well. Thats what it says. Always acknowledge. Stephen have a beautiful day, best always, matt bomer. Thats so nice of you. Lets have one of these bad boys. Lets do it. Are we going to sharessies. Stephen oh, shoot, boy. I like chocolate. Stephen what . I like chocolate. Stephen lets do it. Take one, baby, take one, baby. Ill go chocolate, too. Cheers on this. Stephen lets do it. Can i do the biggest, nastiest bite i have ever done in my life. Lets do it. Lets see who can eat this and yes mmm mmm cheers and applause stephen thats nice. Mmm stephen im on a butter high right now. All right, let me ask you this. You play an assassin in this movie. Thats correct. Stephen how do you prep for that . How do you method for playing an assassin . Do you do a ridealong or something . We had an incredible brilliant, director, writer, shane black, who has been responsible for many of my formative cinematic experiences, he did kiss kiss bang bang, wroaght lethal woman i got to do really fun exepsive arms training but its kind of a testament to his twisted sense of humor that this character who is this mercless coldblooded assassin comes in the visage of john boy from the waltons. Everyone 25 and under is like, who . He basically in the 70s all you associated with good wholeheartedliness, and here he is a coldblooded assassin. So just that dichotomy alone was fun to play with. Stephen did you meet an assassin . No, no, i didnt. They were hard to find. I put an ad out there. No one respond hold on a second. Hold on a second. Im going to sell this on ebay now. laughter and my mom will buy it for 50 cents. Stephen isnt that sweet . Very sweet. Stephen are your parents down with you being an actor . Sometimes parents worry about it, especially some places not associated with where in texas are you from . Im from outside houston from a town called spring. Stephen not a lot of show business in spring, texas, im guessing. Not so much. Stephen were you parents worried about you going into show business or were they very supportive . They did. They were a little rit cent. Whatever the 1996 equivalent of a Powerpoint Presentation is i gave them in terms of how i was going to audition for conservatories and when i was done with conservatories how i would get an agent and laid out the game plan as best i could for them to assuage their fears. Stephen you must have been a child at this point. I was 17. Stephen thats getting there. Yeah. Stephen were you a theater nerd as a kid . Yeah. Stephen theater camp and stuff like that . Absolutely. I didnt do the camp so much because i also played sports and things like that. Stephen what did you play . What was your sport . Football and track, no big deal. applause stephen me, too, i played by the way, neither of which i was very good at. Stephen thats not as nerdy as it could be. I played hacky sack. I envy those guys, man because i cant sack for crap. Is that the proper term, sack . Stephen i like imagining it. Yeah, yeah. I cant sack for crap. Stephen sack for crap. I cant, i can hit it maybe two, three times and im done. Stephen we should polish off the rest of these . And see what happens. Stephen see what happens. Youll be sack like mad, my man. Well have a doublehack snack. Okay, cool, i love it. Stephen hey, magic mike is being made into a vegas show. Yes stephen are you i applause anything that would get you back on stage . You dancing alongside me. Stephen its a deal. As long as i know you got the moves. Stephen weve got the moves. Lets tell chaneyitateum right now. Stephen channing. He just committed, channing. Stephen channing, the three of us. The nice guys opens next friday. Matt bomer, everybody cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. You know nigh next guest from the office, the good wife, and his hit show Silicon Valley. I couldnt sit there and watch them do that to you. I hope i dont end up fired over this. What you did took incredible gut and the fact that it probably wont make any difference makes it all the more meaningful. I saw this Nature Documentary where a bison fought a lion to protect the rest of the herd. And it was so moving. It didnt work, the lion tore into the bison and laid waste to the herd, but, what courage. Thank you. Jared. Stephen please welcome zach woods. applause stephen nice to have you. Thank you for having me. Stephen congratulations on the show, its great. Thanks, stephen. Stephen but i understand you wouldnt know that because you never watch it. That is correct. I do not watch the show. Stephen why not . Its really good. You would enjoy it. I am so selfconscious that if i watch it, i just im a writhing mess. So i dont watch it. For all i know its a terrible show. Stephen its not. Its a very good show. What are you selfconscious about . Are you afraid you wont be good in it . Yeah, theres a fair amount of that but, you know, when you watch yourself on tv youre confronted with the full weirdness of your own face. Even now, i just looked at one of these monitors and felt like an ice cube melting in my chest. Stephen actually, youre absolutely transcendently normallooking person. Thank you. Stephen oh, yeah, that guy. I think its partly because matt bomer was just here and hes, like air, different species than me. Stephen he is, he is a magical, like, elvin woodland creature. His eyes are like glaciers. Stephen they are. It took me a while to crawl out of them. I shared a cupcake with him. Oooh stephen yeah, incredible. Do you want a cupcake . I couldnt possibly. Stephen tell me about your character, jarod dunn. Is he based on anybody . Hes the Business Development side of the company. Stephen the normal side. Yeah, the normal side, the less hes sort of a maternal presence in the house and i sort of based him on my mom. Stephen thats sweet. Does she know this . She does know it. Stephen is she happy about it . She has mixed feelings. I think shes psyched about it. My mom is selfaggregating and will give up any comfort for other people and i took that behavior to her and exaggerated it to problematic extremes. Stephen did you ever at any point think you might be in tech or anything like that. Or being comedian or an actor and a comed arng all you ever wanted to be . No, im terrified of tech. But i did briefly want to be a musician when i grew up. Stephen what was your instrument . I played trumpet. And i loved it. And yeah laughter but then i got braces and i couldnt play anymore. It messed everything up. Stephen how long did you have the braces on . I had the braces for a couple of years but that was enough that like, you know stephen it messes it up. I used to get this is a very gruesome detail to divulge, but i used to take plyers and take out the braces because i was so frustrated but you have to get them back on. Theyre not just like, okay, youre good. Yeah. Stephen how did your parents find out . Were you going, im fine. Great. Wow, that must have been agonizing . Yeah, it wasnt great. Stephen how, so okay, im not going to be a trumpeter anymore. Then what . What was next . Then i had all this free time when i used to practice trumpet and i heard about the brigade theater. Stephen here in new york, those guys are great. I said i guess ill take classes there. I would take the train from pennsylvania where i grew up to new york and started doing improv. Stephen you werent living g in new york i was in high school. Stephen where in pennsylvania . Outside philadelphia. Stephen thats a long way. Yeah. Stephen is this on weekends . No, it was during the week. Stephen on a school night . You would come up to new york to go to u. C. B. . Yeah, i would be up here at 1 00 in the morning. Stephen your parents upon cool with that. They werent like, lets have them pull the braiss off with pliers instead . They were fine. In retrospect, i wonder if they were angry with me in some unexpressed way because i was in new york at 2 00 in the morning all the time when i was in high school. Stephen i understand your mother is very selfsacrificing. Thats right. Yeah, id come back and then go to school. And it was fun, but, also, i probably aged like a number of years in that small amount of time. Stephen you really loved improvisation. Have you ever taught it . Yeah, i used to teach when i i used to live in new york and i taught. Stephen where do you live now . I live in los angeles. Stephen oh, do you like it out there, because there are two main places to live for show business. Theres here and los angeles, and i like it okay. Ive come to like it a lot. Im pretty scared of earthquakes. And right after i moved there, i was in a hotel, and there was a when i found out after the fact, there was a small earthquake. But in my hotel room i was, like, this is it. This is the end. laughter so i went out into the hallway. There was another guy in the hallway, and he was like, what should we do in . And im like, im getting out of here. I said,im getting out of here. And he said, im going to stay. And in my head i thought, youre a dead man but i dont have time to convince you. I ran down the steps and i called my mom and i was like, mom, i know i bitch a lot but ive had a beautiful life. Its been such a wonderful time on this earth. And i got into the lobby and there were literally children napping in the hotel lobby. No one cared. But in my head it was the end of days. Stephen before you go, we have a trumpet for you here. Thank you. Stephen we have a trumpet for you here. I dont play the trumpet but i play the mouth trumpet. Same difference. Stephen i do this with the band sometimes. Id love to play something with you. You start and ill try to match whatever youre doing. All right. Stephen and if i cant, please forgive me. I just want to give this a try. Stephen Silicon Valley airs sundays on hbo. Zach woods. Well be right back. Siri, open the nba app. Here he is over jackson thats the guy youre playing in this movie. A coldblooded assassin. So what part of you hurts the most . What does it matter to you . Youre playing young kobe. Im playing you all the way through now. I mean, with prosthetics and stuff like that. Siri, play the curious case of benjamin button. Fast forward 20 minutes and 36 seconds. Genius now thats the guy im playing in this movie. Get out of my trailer. Okay. You got it. Its bright yellow wrapper is bold. And if its crlspety, crunchety, peanut buttery goodness unapologetically sticks to your teeth. Thats bolder, than bolder, than bold. Bolder than bold. Crispety, crunchety, peanutbuttery butterfinger padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. Helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. Advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. At our Retirement Plan today. Not now im cleaning the oven yeah, im cleaning the gutters washing the dog washing the cat well im learning snapchamp chat. Chat changing the oil. vo its surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. Pressurewashing the. Roses. Aerating the lawn vo but with nationwide its no big deal. Okay, your Retirement Plan is all set. Nationwide . Awesome. Nice neighborhood. Nationwide is on your side band playing cheers and applause stephen information. It is friday night. That means its time for audience friday night fights stephen welcome to friday night fights, where we pit any two things against each other, then you choose the winner on twitter, the instagram of yelling. Last week, we pitted jimmy carter with adamantium claws against george h. W. Bush with laser vision. And the winner was jimmy carter with 63 of the vote. cheers and applause yup. Yes. Jimmy carter won. Still feels weird saying that. Lets meet my new opponent. Hes a broadcast legend whos been fired from more jobs than youll ever have. Give it up for the silver fox who wont watch fox Keith Olberman cheers and applause welcome, keith. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. cheers and applause welcome to friday night fights. Lets go to tonights matchup. Were matching arod with the trident and a net versus tom brady with a morning star and a shield. Oh, yeah. The crowd knows this is going to be a hot one. Lets go to the tale of the tape. Stting off with arod, weighing in at 230 pounds, 63 10 feet tall if you ask a yankees fan. Strengths include roid rage, and hits things for a living. Weaknesses include easily distracted by his own reflection. And hes taking on patriots quarterback tom brady, weighing in at 64 225, 200 when hes deflated. cheers and applause strengths include a weapon that combines pointy and smashy and a portrait in his attic that ages while he stays young. Weaknesses include also distracted by his own reflection. Keith who do you like in this fight . In an upset, stephen, i like arod. Stephen arod . Seriously. Yes. Stephen you realize that there is no bigger game than friday night fights, and there is no bigger choker than arod. When it count. Its a fight to the death. You want a chokener there because hell go in and do that to brady if necessary. Stephen really . Hell cheat. Stephen you think arod why do you think arod can take down tom brady and im tell you why youre wrong . You have given the arod in the flank here, you have given him a device, a trident. Stephen a tried end, a threepronged spear. That will deflate balls if you stick the ball footballs come on footballs stephen okay. Put hes not using a ball. Hes got a shield and a morning star which is a spiked ball on the end of a chain. Tom brady is always aware of where the balls are, thats what the controversy is always about. He always has a football with him no matter what the circumstances are, and if inflated sufficiently it will go up like the hindenburg. Stephen Bill Belichick is going to secretly record arod practicing and show the the tapes to tom brady. Brady will know all of arods tactics, boom, its over, over. As you pointed out, mirror is arods best friend. He will be recording his own practices and selling the tapes. He will be profiting off it firsthand, so he will go in with a little extra cash in his pocket. You know what he spend his loose cash on because this was a guy suspended for a year for p. E. D. Use, performanceenhancing drugs and came back amazingly playing like he was 30 years old again and nobody knew how that happened. Where did he find this fountain of youth out of nowhere after being suspended for steroid use . On top of everything else, hes ipvisible. And he used to be a quarterback so he will know all of tom bradys moves. Stephen he was a quarterback. What are you talking about . Alex rodriguez was a High School Star quarterback where he wears number 13 as an homage to his here oh, dan marino. Stephen tom brady is a winner. Hes got four super bowl rings. Just the jewelry alone, the diamonds will blind arod as he tries to come in for the stab. When is the fight, the fight is now. Stephen its right now. So its earlier than october 1, because as of october 1, i agree with you, thats when alex disappears. Stephen well find out. So if therapy happening in october, youre right. But if its not, im sticking with arod. Stephen well, you have the right to be wrong. Now its your turn. Head to twitter and vote. Who would win, arod with a trident and a net versus tom brady with a morning star and a shield. Polls close wednesday at midnight. My thanks to Keith Olbermann. Keith formidable opponent as always. Happy birthday. Stephen that does it for. Audience friday night fights. Stephen well be right back way performance by comedian nick griffin. I smoked a lot, and quit a lot but ended up nowhere. Now i use this. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent the urge to smoke all day. I want this time to be my last time. Thats why i choose nicoderm cq. Has more highspeed data nowthan ever before. Reless. Were talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. Thats 10 gigs of highspeed data. To stream more video. More music. More whatever you want all on americas largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. Choose from two great plans our unlimited plan with 5gb of highspeed data. Or double your data for just 10 bucks more. Find out more at straighttalkswitch. Com because you cant beat zero heartburn i take prilosec otc each morning for my frequent heartburn ahhh the sweet taste of victory prilosec otc. One pill each morning. 24 hours. Zero heartburn. ,,,, a prince wants to give us 20 million dollars, he just needs our Social Security numbers. Were gonna be rich the first spam was sent by telegraph in 1864. Put some flavor in your break. Make time for snapple. Think you know tmobiles coverage . Think again in the last year weve doubled our lte coverage. Our new extendedrange lte now reaches twice as far. And is 4 times better in buildings. See for yourself at tmobile. Com slash coverage. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, my next guest is a regular performer at the comedy cellar and a very funny man. Please welcome nick griffin applause thank you, thank you. Its great to be here. You sound good, yes . Audience yes good huffens. Good for you. Thats a lot. And its hard to feel good, you know. Especially as an adult. You can kind of see it coming, couldnt you, remember when you were a kid and you looked at your parent and they always seemed anxious and pissed off. Youd be like, geez, whats their problem . Then you get older and youre like, oh, okay. laughter its hard to be an adult, man. You just just baby sitting yourself all day. Isnt that what youre doing . laughter trying not to do the things you really want to do. Ah i cant. Try not to eat too much or drink too much or smoke too much or spend too much or watch too much. Yeah. Thats why adults go to bed early. Theres really nothing left to do. laughter but its 7 30. Its over laughter your social life shrinks as you get older. I used to do a lot of stuff, but i have no patience. I used to go to a lot of concerts. I cant do it anymore, those big soldout, 20,000seats. You have to wait to get into the concert, gotta wait for a drink, gotta wait for the bathroom, gotta wait for the band. And before the band starts theyre always like, are you ready to rock . Yes applause , of course, were ready to rock. We bought a ticket. We paid for parking. Lets laughter how do i prove to you im ready to rock . laughter thats why i think concerts are for young people because when youre young and somebody says, are you ready to rock . Youre like, oh, my god i am ready to rock how did that guy know . laughter but when youre an adult youre busy youre like, just go play the four songs i like and wrap it up applause cheers im single. Audience whoo well, thank you, im not sure what that means but, yeah, i am single. Thats a cool thing to say. In your 20. Right. It means ive arrived. Ive got plans. Saying it now means my plan sucked. laughter i want to be in a relationship. I really do. I think im at a point you know, because ive been on both sides. Ive been singled, im divorced, been in relationships, married. I think relationships are hard. Relationships are where you grow and change, you know. Yeah. I mean, sure. You can change as a single person. Its just easier when you have someone right there going. Change laughter applause faster. I like the beginning of the relationship. Thats the best, isnt it . Oh, yeah. So much hope. laughter its like a gym membership. laughter applause its going to be different this time. Im going to do all the exercises. You know why the beginning of the relationship is so good . Because you dont really know the other person. You only know a little bit about them. Theyre only showing you the good stuff at the beginning. Its the movie trailer to the relationship youre going to have. laughter theyre trying to trick you like movie trailers do. Theyre trying to sell you on some sexy action comedy. laughter but relationships are not sexy action comedies. No. Theyre short porno film followed by a pbs documentary. laughter applause yeah. laughter sort of. But im hanging in there. You know, im still trying, got a lot of support. My sisters are always like, gotta hang in there. Gotta keep trying. Theyre all in longterm marriages. You can do it. It could happen good night. You could meet the love of your life at 70. Oh, i hope thats what happens. laughter the love of my life at 70 . Thats like getting an iphone 4 now. laughter applause thank you very much. Next week hell be at the l. O. L. Comedy club in san antonio, texas. Nick griffin, everybody. Well be right back. ,,,,,, music plays from one way or another im gonna find y im gonna Getcha GetchaGetcha Getcha one way or another im gonna win ya im gonna Getcha GetchaGetcha Getcha one way or another im gonna see ya inhales cigarette stephen thats it for the late show everybody. Tune in monday when my guests will be jason sudeikis, on. Wait a minute, stephen, stephen. Its your birthday today. You have to eat your birthday rib. Hit it, jon happy birthday to you happy birthday to you stephen thank you. Stephen thank you very much. Well see you on monday. Happy birthday to you captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight if youre going somewhere dont worry about it its the late, late show. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from minnesota, give it up