And a performance by comedian paul mecurio. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen whooo hey, how are you . Did you see that . Hey, everybody hey, up there. Hey, down here welcome to the show nice to see you. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. Thats never happened before. The garage door didnt come open when i came out here. I guess i didnt have my key card in my pocket, or something. Im not sure. Magnetic or something. Well, folks, welcome to the show, you can feel a sense of relief in the nation right now. Jon thats right, thats right, you can feel it. Stephen last night, the last primary was held in washington, d. C. And Hillary Clinton cheers and applause the primaries being over reminds me what my brother used to say when i was a kid ah, im going to keep punching you in the face, but it will feel so good when its over. laughter jon it never does stephen dont tell mom last night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders by 57 points. cheers and applause turns out, running as a washington insider really helps when youre running inside washington. But hillarys win is not the biggest democratic news from yesterday because it is now being reported that the Democratic National committee was hacked by the russians. Hey, maybe the russians know where hillarys emails are. And while they were in the d. N. C. Cyber matrix this is me cybering the russians apparently Stole Opposition Research on donald trump. Russia, what are you doing . If you want damaging information about donald trump, just wait for him to talk. laughter cheers and applause its on the tv you can record it. Its on your phone. And its the most adorable Security Breach of all time because the Russian Hackers are codenamed cozy bear and fancy bear. I assume this is all part of operation panda giggle rainbow sparkle. Well, i, for one, am terrified at the news that Russian Hackers are targeting us, so ive hired some new i. T. Guys to check my server. Hows it going over there, brian . Aokay, cowboy cheers and applause everything is top gun blue jeans stephen thanks, thanks. Makes me feel better. But were not the only government with problems out there. The british are about to vote on whether to exit the european union. They call it the brexit, which, in america, of course is the meal between breakfast and exiting breakfast. And right now in the polls, brexiting has a sevenpoint lead over staying in the european union. And it could be even bigger than it sounds because, remember, british polls are all in celsius. But theres also happy news from the british isles. Because i just read a man in ireland has found a 2,000year old, 22pound, stilledible hunk of bog butter. cheers and applause yeah. 2,000yearold butter that is butter from the time of jesus. Youre telling me i could eat 22 pounds of butter and have abs like that . Thats a miracle now, one theory hes cut. Jon hes cut, man. Stephen carpenter, man, works the core, works the core. One theory holds that the butter was buried by ancient priests as a ritual offering to the gods. And one expert says, theoretically, the stuff is still edible, but we wouldnt say its advisable. laughter coincidentally, edible but not advisable, also the slogan for slim jims. cheers and applause yes. Slim jims, it looks like hair and oil in a tube. Well, folks, longtime viewers know not advisable is my middle name. So i got some of that bog butter, and im going to eat it right here tonight. Bring it out, boys bog butter. Thank you, ed. Thank you for your service. cheers and applause all right. Here we go. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. thunder oh, lowly human, take heed you must not partake of the sacred butter that was gifted to the gods of yore laughter stephen why, because if a mortal eats it, he will be cursed . No, because its been in the ground. Its gross. You do know that your modern Grocery Stores are full of butter, right . Like this delicious tub of butter i bought at kroger. Behold the sacred butter rumbling stephen thank you. You know thats margarine, right . What . I cant believe its not butter laughter cheers and applause stephen did you really appear from the primordial past just to set yourself up for that joke . Yes. Stephen ancient butter druid, everybody. Can i stay for Liam Hemsworth . Stephen no youre no fun. Stephen off off now say hey to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thank you very much thank you. cheers and applause gotta say, that ancient bog butter really was pretty bad. Its unsalted. I dont know. So, last night i was watching reruns when i stumbled on one of my favorite old tv shows, quantum leap. Do you guys remember that show . cheers and applause fantastic, i loved it. Scott bakula leaps back in time into different peoples bodies in order to change history. And i saw this actual episode of quantum leap, where bakulas character, dr. Sam beckett, leaps into the body of a 50s new york cab driver and influences a very special young boy. So where you goin . A brokers meeting, new york realtors. Oh, well, you know, theres gonna be a lot of money made in real estate in the future. Really . Where . Oh, um, well, i bet there are gonna be a lot of taller buildings all around here. And, um, might even be some big glass tower right there next to tiffanys. Here you go. Come on, donald. Hello, mr. Trump. Trump . See ya. Stephen there it is cheers and applause did you hear that . He said, mr. Trump. Donald trumps rise is the fault of scott bakula. He should never have revealed the secret that new York Real Estate is valuable. Well, we might be able to reverse this tragedy because ive got my own quantum leapy thing right here so i can leap back and stop it from happening. You guys ready . cheers and applause okay, ziggy, set quantum leap accelerator for the year young donald trump. It worked dr. Sam beckett cheers and applause please, stephen, call me scott bakula. Stephen sure thing, dr. Beckett. Now, pick up little trump and lets get ready to change the future. Remember, im a hologram that only you can see or hear. And why is that again . Stephen i dont know its your show. Where you headed, kid . My dads office. Some day im gonna be in real estate just like him stephen okay, scott, fix the future. Well, it sounds like a good job. But, listen, kid, promise me youll never get into politics. Its a cruel business, and you couldnt handle it. beeping stephen uh oh, thats not good. Ziggy says theres an 85 chance that trump goes into politics sooner just to, show some dumb cab driver who said i couldnt handle it and hes elected president . Stephen no. Hes elected pope oh, my god stephen his god now do something. Hey, kid, you know what i think . Mexican people are really nice. Yeah, mexicans are great beeping stephen scott, no no what . Stephen now he falls in love with a mexican girl named mariela, and she ends up breaking his heart theres a 99 chance here that pope trump still builds the wall, deports all the hispanics, plus anybody named paul. Whos paul . Stephen the guy mariela left him for what should we do . Stephen what are we going to do . Do you have a mouse in your pocket, youre the one who messed this up. I dont want to tell you how to do your job, but look, its the middle of the night, nobodys around, youve probably got a crowbar in the trunk, and the east river is right over there. What are you saying, stephen . Stephen im not saying anything, scott. I got this. Look, kid, forget about real estate. Its a terrible investment. beeping stephen uhoh, scott. Now an 80 chance that instead of real estate, trump gets into bioengineering and ends up cloning dinosaurs who devour anyone who questions the word of megapope trump laughter what are we going to do . Stephen i dont know. How are you so bad at this . It was a good show, but youre terrible at this at the least, at the very least, please your cigar is not even lit stephen its illegal to smoke on stage here for petes sake, show some professionalism and try to set this thing back where it was before. All right, all right, all right. All right, listen to me, kid. Forget everything that i said to you tonight. Just do whatever you want and always say the first thing that comes to your mind. Shut up, you clown so, did it work . Stephen were about to find out stephen whew. Hey ziggy says we did it, trump is still running for president but the time stream is back to normal. Thank god we didnt create some weird future, scott. You can say that again, stephen. Stephen good boy, scott. Ncis new orleans is on tuesday nights right here on cbs. Scott bakula, everybody. Well be right back with Liam Hemsworth. cheers and applause im free to do what i want and have a good time. The ford freedom sales event is on and zero for 72 is back on 2016 ford focus, fusion and escape. Plus specially tagged vehicles get an extra 1000 smart bonus. That means freedom from interest. And freedom to choose. With ford, americas best selling brand. Im free, baby now get 0 financing for 72 months. Plus, specially tagged vehicles get a 1000 smart bonus. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. Ugh. Waa. Wow ohhh aaaaahhhh. Find your diet pepsi emoji today. knocks on door anie, were like honey . H. Im dying my hair mom. Hair dye . Its just purple. Teenage daughter . Get scrubbing bubbles. Kill 99. 9 of germs and destroy grime. With scrubbing bubbles for 100 problem solved. Introduces new, easytoswallow tablets. So now, there are more ways, for more people. To experience. Complete protection from frequent heartburn. Nexium 24hr. The easytoswallow tablet is here. Never underestimate the power of energizer. Our longest lasting energizer max ever. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. State farm knows that every one those moments, theres one of these. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody you know my first guest tonight from the hunger games films, and i know him from when we go clubbing together. He now stars in Independence Day resurgence. Sector 330. Thats me, 12 00. Oh, come on, come on oh, bank left stephen please welcome Liam Hemsworth. cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Stephen very nice for the people to see you, too, theyre excited. A standing clap. Thats wonderful. Stephen what did you call it, a stand and clap . A stand and clap. Stephen we call that a standing ovation. Or a standing ovation. Stephen its simpler. I didnt finish school, so. Stephen you know im a Liam Hemsworth fan, right . Really . Stephen i mean, of the brothers, of the hemsworth brothers, the three of you, im on team liam. Are you . Good. cheers and applause stephen you didnt know this . No. Stephen i said publicly when your brother chris was named people magazines sexiest man alive i went on the air and said, hes not even the sexiest hemsworth alive. Thats you. I didnt know that. Thats fantastic. Stephen please tell him i said that and have him come on the show. Cause ill change my tune if hes sitting there. Youre the baby, right . Im the baby, yup. The runt of the litter. Stephen what was that like, being the baby of those guys . Were you coddled by them, or were you used as a tackling dummy . There was definitely some shenanigans, growing up. Stephen shenanigans. Shenanigans, yes. Stephen this is a family show, lets keep this clean. Im the youngest of eight brothers and i was used, like, as a wrestling dummy. I heard 11. Stephen eight boys, three girls. The girls were nice to me, the boys were abusive. Thats one of the biggest families ive heard about. Thats incredible. Stephen did they do anything to you, loving but violent . Loving but mostly traumatic. They used to put me in the dryer a lot. laughter stephen really . Yeah, they wouldnt put the heat on, but theyd put me in there and stephen just a little fluff to get wrinkles out. Now, did your parents know this was happening . Well, i think they kind of just turn a blind eye to that sort of thing. What are you going to do . Theyre going to do what theyre going to do. Stephen im not telling any tales out of school here but youre from australia. Yes. Stephen and americans have a lot of misconceptions about australia. We think its an incredibly dangerous place where everything every spider is out to get you. Is that true . Its 100 true, yeah. Stephen really, as a kid, was it like spiders and snakes and that kind of things . Lot of lot of deadly snakes a few deadly spiders, big sharks, big crocodiles. Stephen yeah . And, you know, you just got to fight your way through life. laughter stephen and even if you make it through that your brothers stuff you in a dryer at the end of it. Exactly. Stephen i understand your dad, your dad what would he do to water buffalo . I heard this story. I want to make sure ive got this right. Yeah, my mom and dad, when i was about two years old, we lived on a cattle station in the outback in australia. Stephen is that like a ranch . We call that a ranch up here . Yeah, a little more remote, i think, and a little more dangerous than a typical ranch. Stephen so tougher than an american ranch. Okay. I gotcha. Tougher than an american ranch. Stephen i got you. I dont want to offend anyone. Were in america. Stephen too late, too late. But a cattle station. Basically his job was to catch water buffalo and the way they do that is they strap tires around the front of a jeep and they drive up next to a buffalo as its running away and they knock it over and tie it up and throw it on the back of a truck. laughter . Stephen you knock it over and the buffalo goes, you got me, okay, go ahead. No, not at all. Youve got to jump out real quick and with a number of large men get on top of that buffalo and tie him up. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen and then it gets dragged to the outback steakhouse, and then they pretty much, yeah. Stephen what do you whats the most offensive thing that americans say to someone let me get that for you. Sorry about that. Stephen i dont want you to drown in half an inch of water. Thank you, thank you, bless you. Stephen whats the most offensive thing that americans say to seem australian . Is it, you know, like, thats not a knife. Would you like a bloomin onion . That one i would say the worst is shrimp on the barbie. Shrimp on the Barbie Stephen are there not barbies down there. We definitely have barbies, but we dont call shrimp, shrimp, we call them prawns. And typically in australia we dont really barbecue prawns, most of the time people boil them. So the whole statement is ridiculous. I dont want to hear it anymore. Stephen all right, thats it. You heard it. cheers and applause its over. No more no more. Okay, well, the new movie is Independence Day resurgence how old were you when the first one came out 20 years ago . Six years old. Stephen did you guys go see it . I didnt go see it in the theater. I watched it with my brothers on videotape. I had it on videotape. Stephen you are old, videotape. Yeah, vhs. Stephen now, it doesnt come out on Independence Day this year. It comes out next friday, right . The 24th of june, the weekend before Independence Day. I dont know what the reasoning behind that is. Stephen is that australian Independence Day . Do you guys have an Independence Day or are you not independent . No, were pretty independent down there. Stephen really. I think australia is quite independent. Stephen do you still have the queen on your money . Yeah, we do. Stephen then youre not independent. Sorry, there you go. We have to take a little break. Independence day resurgence premieres next friday, not the 4th of july. Well be right back with more Liam Hemsworth. Is designed to respond towith revolyour body temperatureology to help keep you cool. Lets put it to the test. Youre up. Ew. Im gonna play it. Wedge . Yup next anncr it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. Hanes xtemp technology. 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Our greatest fear is running out of time. Theres a bomb in the salsa can we gotta get out of here my phone is still charging so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . Ahhhhhhhh the galaxy s7 edge, with fast wireless charging, and our longest lasting battery. With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of i said, its getting hot in herre new watermelon from limearita. The bold margarita. Stephen welcome back, everybody. cheers and applause were here with Liam Hemsworth. I believe one of the topquality hemsworths out there. Thank you. Stephen now, liam, youre a big star, and guys like us, we get asked to endorse products all the time. For instance, everybody out there knows im the spokesman for dr. Archibald codwollaps voltaic neck belt. Theres no better cure for colic and imbecility. Do you get asked to endorse some stuff . Absolutely. Stephen is there anything you endorse right now . In fact im endorsing a product i helped design, and i have a commercial for it. Stephen i actually have a tv show that always needs commercials. Shall we . Id love to. Stephen jim . Hi, im Liam Hemsworth, and if youre like me, you wish you could hang out with your Favorite Movie stars whenever you want. Well, now you can, if your Favorite Movie star is me. Introducing the premium adult sized Liam Hemsworth replica doll. Each Liam Hemsworth doll is handmade from stateoftheart materials including the most lifelike silicone skin legally available in the united states. And hair collected from injured race horses. The posable steel skeleton allows the liam replica to be placed in a variety of positions, perfect for posing liam in your favorite the hunger games poses like waving gale, and notwaving gale. And, please, no other poses. Its really the details that make this doll so exemplary. For example, the fashionable casual wear im wearing now, which even though its removable, should really just remain on the doll. And dont forget a realistic smile and patented permamoist mouth. laughter with a doll this real, i wouldnt be surprised if the little fella was hungry. laughter the authentic Liam Hemsworth lifesize doll is warm to the touch, pliable, and anatomically correct to the last detail and easy to hose off though you shouldnt have to. Its the ultimate way to feel like youre hanging with me, Liam Hemsworth, and not having sex, even though if it was a sex doll, it would be exactly like having sex with me, but its not, so dont. Call now. The Liam Hemsworth replica doll is illegal in the following states. cheers and applause stephen it looks good. Thats a quality product. Im going to get me one. Independence day resurgence opens next friday. Well be right back. Liam hemsworth, everybody cheers and applause tmobile never stops improving. And we doubled our lte coverage. 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Well, that changes tonight with our new segment Stephen Colberts beast reality. animal noises shark, shark stephen tonight, ive got some great news if youre a frog, because scientists in india have discovered a new sex position for frogs. Its exciting news for amphibians everywhere. Also, for one lucky pig. cheers and applause apparently, there are nearly 7,000 species of frogs out there, but up until now, there had been only had been only six known sex positions. Still three more than humans have. Lets see, theres. Lights on, lights off, and birthday. Research came across the new position after spending 40 nights in a dense Indian Forest observing the mating habits of frogs, which is great news for those scientists, because when youve dedicated your life to studying frogs, you deserve to see someone have sex. The new frog sex position cheers and applause stephen you are applauding i want to remind you that you are applauding scientists enjoying watching frogs having sex in a nonscientific way. cheers and applause the new frog sex position is called the dorsal straddle. And were going to show it, but first, if there are any tadpoles in the room, you might want to cover what will eventually be their eyes. Here it is. Wow. Froggy went acourtin, and he did ride. Now heres the thing. This is cbs, and at this point i have no idea if theyre going to blur frogs having sex over my shoulder tonight. I cant wait to go home and find out. This one has to be done up against a rock, or maybe the kitchen counter when the frogs roommate isnt home. So thats it. Thats the new position. And for any of you unfamiliar with the other positions, those were also illustrated in the scientific study. So lets review. Again, for science. Number one axillary, thats froggy style. Number two inguinal. Thats ribbit, for her pleasure. Number three cephalic. Thats when youre going for axillary, but you both had a long day at work. Number four glued. Thats after one of you went out for dinner at the indian buffet. Number five independent. That is when youre so tired from the first five positions that you just roll over and watch separate things on your phones. And lastly, number six head straddle. Frogs theyre just like us. laughter so congratulations cheers and applause and again, and again i mean this sincerely, and i do not know at this point of the day whether cbs is going to blur frogs spawning. So, congratulations, frog scientists, on this breakthrough discovery. But dont stop, because there is at least one more frog sex position weve all heard about. Some day well find it. The rainbow connection. That one is for the lovers, the dreamers, and me. Well be right back with ana gasteyer. cheers and applause ugh. Waa. Wow ohhh aaaaahhhh. 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With car insurance, for when things go wrong. But also here with car loans, to help life go right. State farm. What a day [voiceover] you are san francisco. Weve been with you from the beginning. Weve seen each other through good times and bad. Sickness and health. Were with you san francisco, and you bring out the best in us. Care. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest tonight is a hilarious comedian who spent six years on saturday night live, and now stars in the new show lady dynamite. Please welcome ana gasteyer cheers and applause how are you . Stephen nice to see you. That was a very festive entrance. Very nice. The music was fun, and im wearing a floral. Stephen you are, youre ready for summer. Im ready for fun stephen its nice to see you again. Its so nice to see you. I think i havent seen you since you sat in my office at saturday night when you were a guest writer. Stephen i was, for one month i wrote for saturday night live. And your guitar. Your daughter was a little baby. Stephen she was. My daughter actually threw up in Lorne Michaels office. Thats so cute. Stephen thats why i was there for only one month. Almost everyone has thrown up in Lorne Michaels office. If you must know. Stephen its an honor. Its a rite of passage. Stephen i understand your daughter is going to be watching the show tonight but not necessarily to see you on. No, no, to see liam. Yeah. And, of course, shes a hunger games fan. Shes going to be turning 14 this week, and she is a hunger games fan. Like all young children. We all read it when she was in first and second. Its the most depressing thing in the entire world with your children. Stephen its great to be reading to a seven and eight yearold. And the children are forced to hunt each other. Exactly. So they can survive. Stephen thats what the future holds, sleep tight but she likes all of the really sad, like, the Nicholas Sparks movie that he did, the last song. Because shes at that age where she goes with all her girlfriends and they just audibly sob at the movies for a fun time. Stephen are you thinking about getting one of those posable dolls . That would be a great gift. That would be a great gift. But they went to me before you before the last day of school, she said, look at my eyes. I broke a blood vessel, i cried so hard. Stephen were you like that when you were 14 . A group sobber . I do like a cathartic movie cry. I have, on a couple of occasions when i saw the help, some people got up and moved away. Sometimes when its a movie sob, its real gutty and you cant stop it because its like the floodgates opened. Im a comedian and i like to keep it tamped right here and when it comes, holy cow, a tsunami. Stephen thanksgiving dinner, couple of old fashioneds. Then boom. For me its a river runs through it. Brad pitt, too beautiful for this world. Too beautiful. It hurts. It aches. Its an ache. Its a throat ache. You know what im talking about . When you start to cry and its its a zombie moan is really what happens. And people start to think the Zombie Apocalypse is happening and they flee the theater. And then you have the whole place to yourself. Stephen you are now in lady dynamite with one of my favorite comedians on the planet, maria bamford. Ok, so, is this loosely based on marias life . It is very much based on marias life. Mitch hurwitz, who created arrested development, created it for maria based on her life and her experience with her bipolar 2 diagnosis. Stephen shes very open about her own mental illness. And hilarious about it and you feel bad enjoying her jokes so much sometimes. Its so delightful. Because shes so honest about her own fragility and her own mania. And this show is a ridiculous comedy that takes place during her experiences of mania and depression, and sort of now trying to hold steady in hollywood, which is a place very prone to mania and depression. Stephen and thats where your character comes in, i understand. My character is, i play the most powerful agent in hollywood, karen grisham. Stephen oh, i have heard of her. Shes very good. Shes a big cheese. And i sort of contribute to the her enormous success in hollywood and her massive depression and breakdown. Stephen is she a nice person . No, shes the meanest woman in the world. Its super fun. And she swears its netflix so you can really let it fly, which is really satisfying after Network Television and standards and practices, and these writers, the writers room was really just having a field day. I mean, uses uses of swears that i didnt even know were possible just in terms of grammatical switchemups. I didnt know that either, because the clip you brought tonight to show, im not sure if any will be unbleeped. You can always watch it. Stephen you have to watch the show now. This is a true teaser. Yeah, because everyone is going to want to know what i was actually saying. Stephen jim . Maria karen, hi i heard you got baby on board. That little bleep is a piece of bleep . How is it going . Great. I just got fired. But bruce worked it so i can stay and finish my scenes. What that gimpy thunder bleep . Hes making you work after you got bleep bleep heres 100 bucks. This never happened. cheers and applause stephen we dont get that. It was a you cant you cant play someone that raging and say fudge. Stephen no, no, theres a poetry to that. Its deeply unsatisfying to hear that person call someone a darn jerk. Stephen yes. Now, are you okay with your kids seeing that . Well, oddly enough, i made the 14yearold, because, whatever, she cut her teeth on the hunger games. My little one, the eightyear old hasnt seen it, though, god knows, ive exposed them to far worse probably, at the house. Stephen at what age will you allow her to hear you saying thunder bleep . Shes already heard that. Thats what i call her father when he get in fights. laughter cheers and applause stephen well, lady dynamite is now streaming. Go see it cheers and applause the great ana gasteyer, everybody thank you so much, ana. Thank you stephen well be right back with a performance by comedian paul mecurio. Dont you dare follow your dreams. Think big. Or demand your own space. Dont you dare leave it all behind. Dont you dare ask whats next. Introducing the firstever cadillac xt5. School lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. Has more highspeed data nowthan ever before. Reless. Were talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. Thats 10 gigs of highspeed data. To stream more video. And more music. More whatever you want all on americas largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. Choose from two great plans our unlimited plan with 5gb of highspeed data. 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Please welcome paul mecurio cheers and applause im going to quit while im ahead. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. That was amazing. So, i was a lawyer on wall street and quit to be a comedian. cheers and applause thats not how my mother reacted. laughter i was living a secret double life. I was a lawyer by day, comic by night. And people always say to me, did you know you were going to be a comedian . Im like, no. They said, were you funny . Im like, yes, i was the funniest lawyer in my law firm, which is kind of like being the sexiest i. T. Guy. cheers and applause i tell you these really funny things to get laughs from the other lawyers, stuff like, we cant do that thats unethical. laughter and people here i did Corporate Law, and people who do Corporate Law say thats the worst, the lower of the low, youre evil. You kill kittens. And im like, we would outsource that. laughter so, can i ask you guys something . Yeah how do the people who make vaseline make any money . I have had the same tube of vaseline, right, right . The guy with the glasses, am i right . My vaseline was handed down to me by my grandfather in a will. Youve never heard this phrase uttered in the history of mankind honey, im going out to get more vaseline. You could go through 50,000 bags of garbage, youre not anything to find one empty container of vaseline. One time i almost threw my vaseline out. Im like, i dont recognize these fingerprints. I think my wife is cheating on me. Aw, screw it. cheers and applause i was at costco, and there was, like, a 90yearold guy who had a shopping cart filled with nothing but, like, 40 cans of progresso soup, nothing but 40 cans a 90yearold guy, 40 cans of soup. Im looking at that and im like, ah, thats optimistic. You want to laugh. Let it out. I can feel it. You gotta let it out. So, i was on a show recently, and they asked us, who manipulates more in a relationship, men or women . And im like everybody manipulates equally. Women, i think, manipulate better than men, because women can use sex to manipulate and thats okay because great things have been achieved by men because women used sex to manipulate. Like the cavemen only invented fire because a woman whined, its too cold to have sex. Boom, fire right there. Then they said whats the most important, communication or sex . Because the cameras were on everybody said communication, p. C. , communication. No, we know. Sex because nobody fantasizes about communication. laughter theres no guy out there going, you know what . I wish we could have a threeway dialogue with two women about how they feel. cheers and applause so, my wife and i are completely opposites. Shes very organized. Im all over the place impatient. And weve been having this one argument for years, and i do this one thing that drives her crazy, but her reaction to me drives me nnn. If youre in a relationship youve had this argument. Im in the refrigerator with the door open and shes in the living room and i say, carol, where are the pickles . You know where this is going. laughter know where they are . No, i dont. Yes, you do. Theyre in the refrigerator. I know that. Where . You know where they are. No i dont. Theyre on the shelf. I know, the pickles are on the shelf, but where . This is funny to you, lady . Ill come over there. laughter theyre on the shelf. I know. And this is the line, this is line where she says it and you think, aaah, divorce. I dont see them. Are you looking . cheers and applause then this next line try figuring this next line out. Yeah, im looking. Are you looklooking or just looking. Im looking. You never look for things. Youre like a child. You have to look. Im not going to look for you. Then she gets condescending like shes a in a control tower talking on the plane and im a bag of rocks. Do you see the bread . If you look, youll notice the pickles are behind the bread. I dont see them. Then here comes the next line did you move the bread . Yeah . Did you movemove the bread or just move the bread . I moved the bread. Whatd you move it, like two inches . All right, already, i moved the bread. And what do you see, nothing . Exactly, paul, because you forgot to buy pickles on the way home last night. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. Stephen thank you, paul. Thank you, paul. Pauls comedy album its not me, its the world. Paul mecurio, everybody, well be right back. ,what if we designed a stain for your deck. That not only looked as handsome as Charles Stephens barrel on his farewell voyage over niagara falls. But stood up to any kind of weather. No matter if the forecast is this. Or this. Or this. If a stain can make your deck beautiful and survive any amount of torture. Is it still stain . Arborcoat from Benjamin Moore ranks highest in Customer Satisfaction by jd power. Stephen thats it for the late show. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout your hangups and fears bout to set you right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from nantucket, israel, give it up for your host,