Featuring jon batiste and stay human and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey audience chanting Stephen Stephen thanks, everybody piano riff cheers and applause welcome to the late show. cheers and applause whoo piano riff thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Well, the g. O. P. s new healthcare bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning, when it was passed by the house ways and means committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. And anyone whos spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows laughter knows what you get at the end. Jon oh cheers and applause piano riff stephen very generous. Jon generous, generous. Stephen very generous with your applause. Thank you. laughter apparently, members were up until 4 00 a. M. , which might explain why things got a little loopy. laughter like these late night musings from representative jason smith. You could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. You know, i love ice cream. Ice cream is probably not the most healthy thing to eat. Why is there not a tax on that . You know what, if you look at the number one cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. Do a google search. It is the sun. Why have they not proposed a tax on the sun . laughter stephen so if youre worried about losing your healthcare, dont worry its safely in the hands of the guy whos up all night googling why dont we tax the sun . laughter jon you got it stephen oh jon im cool im chillin. Stephen we would Never Get Close enough to collect the taxes. We would go at night. Sun would never see it coming while its asleep. laughter the long hours were thanks to some trolling by the democrats. They knew didnt have enough votes to stop the bill, so they introduced a bunch of amendments you can put that in the committee you can introduce amendments and they slow things down. For example, the democrats suggested changing the title of the bill from American Health care act to the republican pay more for less care act. cheers and applause thats a little jerky. Thats a little jerky. Next, they tried changing the name to the douchebag says what . Act. laughter but the craziest amendment of all was a measure that would have blocked Health Care Reform unless it ensured coverage for every taxpayer and all their dependents. Okay, ha ha, very funny, dems lets get back to the Serious Business whether or not we should tax the sun. laughter and its not just democrats who are opposed. Conservative groups have lined up to oppose the bill, because for them, its still government healthcare. However you paint it up. But trump, the master dealmaker, has a plan to win conservatives over. Hes invited them to strike a deal over a few frames at the white house bowling alley. Yeah, yeah. Trump wants to be there to see it, as the republicans throw their balls away. laughter cheers and applause piano riff what . Jon throw em out. Stephen but dont worry, if it doesnt pass, trumps got a plan allow obamacare to fail and let democrats take the blame. audience reacts hold on. Youre in charge now. If you let healthcare collapse, i dont think well blame democrats, well blame you. Thats like a firefighter letting the house burn down to make the space heater look bad. laughter trump wants to sell this thing so much, he even reached out to his archenemies. For instance, last night he hosted ted cruz, his wife heidi, and their two children for dinner at the white house. Hey kids, have fun at the white house, because daddys going to be crying on the way home. laughter and here we are. Here we are. Oh, started already there you go. laughter how awkward was that . I remember the campaign. Trump said some terrible things about cruz and theyre still up on his twitter. Like all the times trump called him lyin ted. laughter its funny because it worked. Jon it did. Stephen he also accused cruzs dad of being part of the plot to assassinate j. F. K. , and retweeted this unflattering picture comparing heidi cruz and melania with the caption a picture is worth a thousand words audience reacts trump has a point, which is why i like to look at these pictures as often as i can. cheers and applause piano riff jon a pictures worth a thousand words stephen it is a twoway street. Both of these guys said some terrible stuff. And im guessing ted cruz didnt repeat any of this from the campaign this man is a pathological liar. He doesnt know the difference between truth and lies. The man is utterly amoral. Donald trump is a serial philanderer and he boasts about it stephen uh, mr. President , could you pass the bowl of peas, unless youre currently having sex with it . laughter or maybe it was fine. Ted cruz said it is principally a social dinner. You know, social. Where you ask about each others families, like hows your ugly wife and your father, the president killer . Still call him president . Dont let your ugly wife look at me, well have another dead president here. Jon whoa, whoa stephen im not saying it. Thats donald trump. applause piano riff either way, i doubt trump apologized. Not his style. In fact, we got a copy of the invitation you and your wife whos a three at best are invited to dinner. Cocktail attire. Please check spine at the door. applause stephen so trump is pulling out all the stops on this healthcare bill. Except when it comes to the name because the white house is asking, dont call it trumpcare. Trumpcare, trumpcare, trumpcare. He doesnt want you to call it trumpcare. When it comes to whether you should call it trumpcare, that is one thing about which trump cares. Jon he do, he do, he do stephen inter, according to one g. O. P. Operative, pretty much anything with the pejorative suffix on it, care, is going to be viewed unfavorably by conservatives. laughter yes, conservatives dont want to be associating with caring. Thats why the official mascot of Obamacare Repeal is suckit, the dontcare bear. cheers and applause do we have those . Did we get those tshirts . Jon yeah. Stephen i want that tshirt. I would sell that tshirt. Or maybe trump just doesnt want to attach his name to something that no one likes. Although that never stopped him before. And trumps not the only one defending trumpcare. This afternoon at a capitol hill press conference, speaker paul ryan, ever the showman, dazzled the doubters with a powerpoint presentation. He was either defending trumpcare, or selling reporters a timeshare. And like any substitute teacher he used the a. V. Equipment to show off the lesson plan. We are going to repeal and replace obamacare, and were going to do it with a threepronged approach. Stephen one repeal. Two replace. Three look, over there laughter applause piano riff cheers and applause piano riff stephen are they gone yet . laughter ryan also slammed the Obamacare Mandate that everyone have insurance. The mandates are arrogant and paternalistic. Stephen yeah, telling people what to do is arrogant and paternalistic. By the way, ladies no planned parenthood for you. And paul ryan explained just where obamacare went wrong. The whole idea of obamacare is the people in the blue side pay for the people on the red side. The people who are healthy pay for the people who are sick. Stephen you just described how insurance works. laughter that is literally the definition of insurance cheers and applause its how everything works the problem with this casino is that the people who are losing are funding the people who are winning. Its time to have a casino where every single time you play the slots, its a jackpot of course, one thing trump is willing to put his name on is accusations that president obama illegally tapped his phones. Trump demanded that Congress Investigate his charges, which theyre going to get to right after they find those three million illegal voters, and what really happened to Arnold Schwarzeneggers ratings. laughter applause something terrible happened so, on march 20, congress will hold a russia hearing a fitting name because, as we know, russia is listening. laughter and congress is taking the investigation seriously. This week, members of the house and Senate Intelligence committees visited the c. I. A. Headquarters, where senators viewed four large binders full of classified information. No word yet on whats in the binders, but just from the cover, congress has learned that metallica rules. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight Kristen Stewart is here. But when we come back, ill share some of my deepest, darkest midnight confessions. Stick around cheers and applause band playing say goodbye to extra taxes and fees on your wireless bill and hello to tmobile one. Right now, get 2 lines of unlimited data for 100 bucks taxes and fees included. 2 lines, 100 dollars. All in, all unlimited. Switch today. But shouldnt it be about firsts . D in zeros. And seconds. How about adding a third . We think theres a bajillion ways to measure success. And whether you have hundreds or millions. We think you deserve the Financial Freedom to sleep like this at night. This is the new success story. And at tiaa, were with you. Start today at tiaa dot org. Right. In. Your. Stomach watch this . Yikes, that ice cream was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real ice cream, without that annoying lactose. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. [music beatbox vocals playing] youre gonna rock the party rock this party up listen, do you hear that . You always h. Have been. My best. Friend. Forever. To friendship. Music piano cover of guns n roses sweet child o mine cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back how about jon batiste and stay human, everybody . Say hi to that man over there cheers and applause i dont think im giving anything away right now when i say, jon, do you agree with me thank you so much, everybody it is particularly frosty tonight. Stephen its got a nice chill to it jon its got a nice chill to it. Stephen i cannot feel my toes out there. Are you cold enough . cheers and applause if you keep the room cold, theyre like a crisp carrot. Jon comedy temperature. Stephen comedy weather. If your teeth are chattering, youre that close to laughing, already. A survival mechanism, really, more than entertainment. Jon yeah. Stephen folks, i confess all that to you. As many of you know by now, im a catholic. But i havent been to church lately because i gave it up for lent. laughter and i really miss my favorite catholic tradition confession. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter stephen standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, wait right there. Bill right back. Forgive me, audience organ playing softly when people say, god only gives you as much as you can handle, i wonder if they could handle getting punched in the face. laughter you know that policy at Baskin Robbins where you have to show your i. D. To prove its your birthday to get a free cone . Thats because of me. laughter even though i think its stupid, i kind of want to try vaping. laughter mmm, vanilla car exhaust. laughter that is dumb. laughter i loved the movie moonlight, but i was a little disappointed it didnt have any werewolves. Just one wouldnt have hurt the plot. laughter sometimes, i tell people i wish my superpower was invisibility, but i really just wish i could eat pizza all day without getting fat. laughter cheers and applause whenever my medicine says to take it on an empty stomach, i never take it because i never have an empty stomach. laughter when i go through a drivethrough car wash, i pretend im on another planet where it rains soap. laughter to get the full experience, i read kerouacs on the road while driving. laughter for tax purposes, the late show is a working ranch. laughter cheers and applause still really dumb. laughter sometimes, im a bit of a litter bug. But i dont know where else to dump all my dead bugs. laughter audience, when im in a Doctors Office and there are people in the waiting room ahead of me, a little part of me wishes theyd die. laughter audience reacts i said i dont feel good about these. laughter audience, i recently discovered that eating a familysize bag of doritos takes the exact same amount of time as a spin class. laughter forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with Kristen Stewart. cheers and applause band playing various shouting heigh ho its off to work we go woman on the gulf coast, new exxonmobil projects are expected to create over 45,000 jobs. And each job created by the Energy Industry supports two others in the community. Altogether, the industry supports over 9 million jobs nationwide. These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. All while reducing americas emissions. The little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. You naughty little. spank did you just spank your lunch . Yeah. spank devour. Food you want to fork. The following ad for your viewing convenience. So i just switched to geico. What took you so long . I know, i saved a ton of money on car insurance. Thats what im talking about geico also gives you 24 7 access to licensed agents booooyah. Good game, you really crushed it. No son, geico crushed it. Its coming the end of civilization is upon us. Hold your loved ones clo. Static cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause my first guest tonight is an actress best known for the blockbuster twilight franchise. She now stars in the new film personal shopper. Please welcome Kristen Stewart cheers and applause band playing stephen hey thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. Stephen i love the new hair. Thank you. Its not new. Its the oldest hair. Stephen the old hair is the long hair. This is the newest hair. True. Stephen unless you had a wig made of old hair and put it over a completely shaved head which would be lovely. Yeah, i messed that up. Stephen this is a new move youre doing. Youre just doing it for you . The director suggested i shave it all off because the female protagonist has to be bad as. Stephen there is a new movie called underwater coming up which is an underwater version of armageddon . Yeah, i guess so. Stephen this is step one to being bruce willis . I guess so. I have to put on a lot of helmets so it will be easier for my hair dresser. Stephen were going to adjust your mic and well cut this part out because its too intimate, but your chain was hitting your mic and we couldnt hear you. Cool. Stephen are we good now . Did you have a little ear piece . Stephen he looked at me, pointed at the prompter and the prompter said chain on mic. Got it. laughter stephen normally we have a mad man named mike backstage we have to keep chained up. But thats called continuity. People are saying, wheres the chain . Now the chains gone. Now there are going to be conspiracy theories. Now that chains hitting it. Serious . Stephen i am serious. Okay, thanks very much. cheers and applause thanks very much. Now there are really going to be conspiracy theories. I dont care. Let em write can we do the show now . I can sympathize for the head shaving because i wanted to shave my head for the years and in 2009 the president order rd general orde to shave my head oe show. Do you like it . I couldnt stop touching it. Stephen my wife said it was like date ago new guy. She would reach over in the middle of the night and feel my head and go, who is that . laughter well, listen, you have an honor, if i can call it that, that so few people have. You are one of the first people on twitter that our President Donald Trump attacked repeatedly. This was back in 2012 when you and Robert Pattinson were breaking up. This is the first tweet. Keep in mind, this is the man whos now the keeper of the launch codes. He tweeted. Robinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again. Just watch, he could do much better. audience reacts okay . Whatever. Im much better. Stephen good. Good. piano riff cheers and applause how did this teach you to deal with bullies . Because thats bully behavior. Why do you think he attacked you . I dont know. Stephen did you ever talk to him about it . Hmhmum. I tried to. He did it publicly and he didnt publicly respond. Were all different. Thats okay. Celebrate the differences, whatever. Stephen yeah, i dont know. Yeah, maybe not. Stephen well, i will say this, he tweeted at you eleven times, okay . I know. Stephen how does it feel to be tweeted at more than the president has condemned antisemitism . Oh, my god laughter stephen youre a pretty laidback person. You use the word dude in casual conversation. Its really versatile and useful. Stephen okay. Twhar different ways one can use dude . Because i enjoy the word dude but i might be too old to dude it up. Why is it so versatile for you . Well, i dont know. I mean, you can you can really be empathetic and depending on the reading, someones having a hard time, you can go, like, dude, you know, you okay . Or if someones in your face, messing with you, dude back it up same word. Entirely different effects, though. Stephen yeah. Its the adjustable alan wrench of words. laughter the new movie, personal shopper, getting tremendous reviews. Its a scary movie. Would you call it horror, suspense . Yeah, i mean, i guess people are calling it, like, a thriller. There are definitely aspects of it that are unnerving for sure and uncomfortable. Stephen you play a twin in this, i understand. Yeah. Stephen tell us what the movie is about. What happens between you and your twin. When you meet the character you really know absolutely nothing about her, other than in the first few minutes that she has lost her twin brother, and shes such a fragmented version of herself. Half of her is gone, essentially, and this trauma shes in has sort of kick started this really deep existential crisis thats led her to questions that are unanswerable and she just wants one thing thats finite she can hold on to that she can start this rebuilding process of who she is so she can get past the grieve of her brother. So she starts questioning what the afterlife is and whether there is a tangible connection to that that we can have or touch or feel. So it gets a little spooky because reality doesnt really exist for her. Its sort of like an eve evershifting thing. If you dont feel as though you exist, questioning existence and how we relate to each other is a very debilitating notion. Stephen well, we have a little clip here. Who are you speaking to in this clip . My boss boyfriend. Stephen all right. Jim . When youre a medium, you just are attuned to a sort of vibe. What do you mean by vibe . Its an intuition thing. Its a feeling. You see this door, its only, like, slightly ajar. You think a soul continues to exist after death . I dont know even know if i believe in that. Louis did. I have to give his spirit whatever you want to call it a chance to prove him right. cheers and applause stephen this character is dealing with ghosts. Do you believe in ghosts . Um stephen some people do. A lot of people believe in ghosts. Yeah. Stephen you have a personal experience with ghosts . Ive had experiences that i have been, like, what was that about and no one can explain to me why that sound happened, but ive never stephen probably a ghost. Probably a ghost. Stephen your character gets ghost texts in this movie. Does that mean in this world ghosts have thumbs or ghosts go to the bathroom . laughter i mean, the person on the other end of the phone is this kind of, like, shifting projection of what she sort of believes to be true, which is, like, its a very evolving thing throughout the movie. Ultimately, i do know who that person is. If you watch the movie, it becomes a more solid thing ward the end. In the beginning, she could be having a dialogue with herself, she could be maybe talking to a ghost or spirit or brother or a more evil spirit or something, but even you know, even when youre texting your friend and they Say Something you misinterpret, all of a sudden you flip out and fly off the handle, youre basically talking to yourself anyway, so it riffs on that a little bit, too. Stephen well, lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for being here. cheers and applause personal shopper in theaters tomorrow Kristen Stewart, everybody well be right back with maz jobrani stick around cheers and applause band playing only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® un poquito mas rapido, no . [instrumental music playing hthroughout] [wheel squeaking] beautiful bike, just beautiful. Ha,ha,ha. [pumping of bike tire] [pumping of hospital ventilator] [rain falling] [wheel squeaking] Carlos Carlos dr. Brad needs to see you in room 3. [wheel squeaking] [heart monitor beeping] so tasty. Sir . You give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Yes. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Nope. With the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. You get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. 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Stephen how long does it last . The first moment of spring, next tuesday. Norooz means new day. Stephen are we in the season of norooz now . In the season. Would you mind if i taught you how to say it in farsi . Stephen sure. What aim actually saying . Im stephen, happy new year in persian. Stephen ill do my best. maz speak in foreign language, stephen trying to repeat it whoo you got it, baby you got it stephen got a little swimmy toward the end. You got it stephen what happens on whats the celebration . So, its based on actually the first monotheestic religion. Stephen how old are we talking here . A couple thousand years. Stephen at least a couple thousand . Three to four. Stephen it was first . It was first, before christianity, before islam, judaism. As far as i know, it was first. Thats what wikipedia says. Stephen okay. But the new year starts the first moment of spring because its a new year, and they celebrate, within a twoweek period, we celebrate pretty much everything we celebrate in america over the year, we do it all in two weeks. It new year, so its new years eve. We give gifts because its like christmas. We color eggs, so its like easter. With we go door to door for treats, so sort of like halloween. Stephen do you get in costume and go door to door . That might freak people up in march. No, its not a good time to dress up in costume if youre iranian. I dont want to be deported yet. laughter its actually interesting because you see like the way in america, weve taken these traditions and weve put it on steroids. So, for example, the gifts that we give in the persian new year, my father, when i was a kid, would sign a 2 bill and give it to me and say, here you go, son, happy new year. In america you get bikes and video games and all kinds of stuff. Stephen no christmas for you . Well, we do christmas, too, now. Stephen oh, thats good. I might throw norooz in there so i dont get ripped off. If you want to save money, do norooz with your kids. Give them 2 bills, sign it and say, thats all you get. laughter who is the founder of the zorasterism . I would think zoraster . Stephen its your holiday. I know who founded christmas. Cocacola. Exactly. cheers and applause the actual religion, good words, good thoughts, good deeds, ten you just live your life. Stephen i could do that. As an iranian american, what has it been like since trump has been elected . A new vibe . Its been great. Relatives cant come, you know stephen yeah, thats right, one of the seven countries, six countries, so your relatives cant visit for 120 days at least at this point. laughter at first they were trying to sell it for the safety of americans. But none of the countries on the list ever committed an act of terrorism in america. Then i saw Kellyanne Conway on the news. She goes, its just a little inconvenience for these people. She goes, after september 11 when i got further scrutiny in the airport, i wasnt worried. I wanted to shake her. I wanted to be, like, there were people who needed medical attention who couldnt come to america because of it. I got an email from a norwegianiranian who was going to come visit his father on his death bed and they couldnt come because to have the ban, they took away his visa. Families were being torn apart and it was really upsetting. How many kids do you have . Two, eightyearold son and sixyearold girl. Stephen how do you explain to them about why the relatives cant visit . Its interesting. My wife is indian so the kids are just colored up. laughter iran yrnindian. Stephen never thought about that before. Yeah. So my daughter was scared and said, daddy if trump wins, will we get kicked out . I had to tell her, no, you were born in america, you wont be kicked out. Daddy might have to go, but well have facetime. laughter stephen are you a citizen . I am. Did you go to the airport protests . Stephen i did not. I got upset and went to the airport protests. If you havent protested, its really fun. Stephen i have protested. I didnt go to that one, but i have. You feel like youre doing something. When you go to the protests, its, like, real. Stephen youre there with your friends. Youre there with your friends. I went to lax to protest, and i learned that white people born in america protest differently than people of color or people who were not born in america because we went down, and im going to show you. We went down and were, like, protesting, and i was, like, here we come, here we go. I felt good. Then the riot police came out and i was, like, oh, snap laughter i was, like, im just going to go protest over here for a minute. Im not kidding. The white guys were, like, get out of my way, copper here i come cheers and applause stephen now, on the series superior donuts, you play an iraqi, but youre iranian. Is that racist . No, thats the best hollywood could do, man laughter one middle easterner at a time, man. laughter no, its interesting because i have an iraqi accent on there or arkansa an arab accent. The difference is similar. When iranians talk, we talk very slowly, how are you, steph, good to see you. Hi i am iranian good to be here in iranian accent stephen meanwhile meanwhile, arabs talk very fast speaking very fast stephen you sure this isnt racist . Im telling ya applause laughter so arabs are, like, on cocaine and iranis are on heroin. Stephen couldnt be nicer. Yes. Stephen superior donuts airs monday nights 9 00 on cbs maz jobrani, everybody back with a performance by dawes band playing cheers and applause hes asleep. Ive got the gelato. Is that ice cream . No, its, uh breyers gelato indulgences. 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Stephen and now, here performing roll with the punches, ladies and gentlemen, dawes cheers and applause the separation was symmetrical they both retreated to their sides drawing lists of demands and muddy lines in the sand trying out their separate lives most of the damage was collateral but still inspired some debate on all the principles of why all the people we love are the same ones we could also hate you just roll with the punches until you cant feel a thing you just roll with the punches aww, yeah the separation was logistical deciding what belongs to whom how dying love manifests in a rug or a chest the decorations of a room every promise was negotiable most of all the ones they made alone what she finally forgave what hell take to his grave learning how to not pick up the phone you just roll with the punches until you cant feel a thing you just roll with the punches aww, yeah he starts existing as a miracle a band of static right behind your eyes that you filter everything through without knowing you do a past and future synthesized you just roll with the punches until you cant feel a thing you just roll with the punches aww, yeah you just roll with the punches until you cant feel a thing you just roll with the punches aww, yeah cheers and applause stephen their album, were all gonna die is available now dawes, everybody well be right back. ,,,,, happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. Nexgard kills fleas and ticks all month long. And it comes in an easytogive tasty chew. And that makes dogs and owners happy. No wonder vets love it too. Reported side effects include vomiting, itching, diarrhea, lethargy and lack of appetite. See your vet for more information on flea and tick protection you and your dog will love. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. Stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be felicity huffman, jurnee smolletbell, and comedian anthony devito. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, john goodman, adam pally, and jack hanna. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org tonight on the late, late show, john goodman, adds ampaly and jack hander is here with his animals, and it starts now. Are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from