and charlamagne tha god. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: whooo! whooo! hey! hey! ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! >> stephen: what's going on? ( cheers and applause ) how are you, man? >> jon: what's happening. >> stephen: good to see you. hey, thanks so much. please, you're very kind. thanks so much, everybody. so nice to be here. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) happy people. happy people, of course. happy tax day, everybody. this is the day when we all release our tax returns to the man who won't release his. now, tax day is traditionally on the 15th, but since that was on a saturday, this year they gave everyone three more days to figure out how their bathroom is a "home office." ( laughter ) i do a lot of reading in there. i do a lot-- a lot of reading in thrnchts a lot of tweeting, you know. >> stephen: but on the 15th, thousands of people across the country, marched to get trump to release his taxes. ( cheers and applause ) beautiful idea. lovely. lovely idea. but the tax march did not get trump to release his taxes, much like the women's march did not get trump to release his woman, but nice try, nice try. but he did release some tweets. "i did what was an almost an impossible thing to do for a republican-- easily won the electoral college! now tax returns are brought up again?" ( laughter ) okay, i know you won, but you know those things aren't related, right? "hey, i just won a spelling bee! why are you looking in my crawl space?" ( laughter ) that's all right, that's all right, that's all right. and trump demanded to know who was really behind the tax marches. "someone should look into who paid for the small organized rallies yesterday. the election is over!" yes, who paid for the rallies? i mean, they were authentic and drew people of all ages, so we know it wasn't pepsi. ( laughter ) delicious. i could go. delicious product, though, it's a delicious product. please buy it. are they a sponsor? are they a sponsor? sure, why not? and yesterday, during sean spicer's daily spicening, the question of trump's taxes came up again. >> is it time to just say once and for all, the president is never going to release his tax returns? >> umm, we'll have to get back to you on that. >> if you want-- i mean, so you... i mean, really? >> really. >> so he may? >> no, i said i'd have to get back to you on that. >> so you can't even say if he'll ever release his taxes? no matter what happens? how about this scenario-- aliens take over the earth, enslave mankind, and their one weakness the one way to destroy them and free humanity is they are easily susceptible to 2000-200stef itemized tax returns from donald j. trump. would he release them then? >> i said i'd have to get back to you on that. >> stephen: he's consistent, he's cannot. of course, who has time to worry about taxes when we're about to go to war with north korea. but never fear, the white house sent mike pence to the d.m.z., and because the situation is so serious, he wore his top gun halloween costume. ( laughter ) ♪ the danger zone i would like to see-- i wouldn't mind-- i would like to see mike pence play shirtless volleyball in blue jeans. >> jon: yeah, that would be nice. >> stephen: obviously, if his wife was there. and pence has got his work cut out for him because yesterday a north korean u.n. representative warned "thermonuclear war may break out at any moment." now, this show pre-tapes, so if you're watching this at home right now, we made it! to... ( cheers and applause ) 11-- 11:41. i'm going to call 11:41. and this time, it isn't north korea with an erratic, trigger-happy leader. according to one russian official, "trump is more impulsive and unpredictable than kim jong-un." well, then, russia, you should have thought of that before you elected him. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) our president-. ( cheers and applause ) what? what! what! i just put the-- i forgot to put the-- i'm sure cbs won't mind. ( laughter ) luckily, our president had some reassuring words this morning on "the fox and the friends." >> the vice president is in asia doing the four-stop tour, and he said, basically, the u.s. is running out of patience, clearly a message to north korea. you have a navy fleet that is sent into the sea of japan right now. have you ruled out a military strike? >> i don't want to telegraph what i'm doing or what i'm thinking. >> stephen: okay, but can you at least confirm that you are thinking and that you're familiar with more current technology than a telegraph? ( laughter ) no matter what trump was asked in this interview, they taped it monday but showed it this morning. trump never gave a straight answer. >> did we sabotage the north korea strike? >> i don't want to comment on it. >> okay, what happens if north korea launches another missile? >> we will find out. >> all right. >> stephen: all right. have a good war. now here's a word from our sponsor everblast subterrean, lead-lined bunkers, "everyone else is dead." they're still working on their motto. they're still working on their motto. are they a sponsor for us? i'd love to be in my blast shelter with a pepsi. it would be fantastic. also, i noticed something odd about how trump refers to north korea's leader: >> but, you know, they've been talking with this gentleman for a long time. they have all been outplayed by this gentleman. >> stephen: i don't think trump knows kim jong-un's name. ( laughter ) i don't-- "this gentleman. ?" are they going to a strip club together? why does he keep calling him "this gentleman?" either that, or the best nickname he can come up with is "this gentleman." and, mr. president, you're known for your nicknames. your lyin' ted, your crooked hillary. and this guy is a name bonanza. how about shiitake mushroom hair, the dear eater, chairman cow, the dictator tot, el presidumpty, the glorious people's re-piglet. anything at all for this. ( cheers and applause ) looks fantastic. now, we know trump never backs down from a fight as long as someone else will do his fighting. just listen-- just listen to one of his rallies will last year when some protesters interrupted his speech. >> get 'em out. get 'em out. get 'em out. look who we have here, some wonderful people. awwwww. get out of here! get out! get out! unbelievable! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! >> stephen: u.s.a.! u.s.a.! that guy's in charge of the u.s.a. ( laughter ) now, that was in louisville last year, and trump's supporters provided all the slugging. and now those protestors are suing donald trump for inciting violence at his rallies, which is kind of like suing olive garden for inciting breadsticks. ( laughter ) but the president has a simple counterargument: suck it. because the presidency, he says makes him immune to lawsuits. oh, immune to lawsuits. i finally know why he ran for president. "mr. trump, mr. trump, mr. trump, as your lawyer i should advise you, you have over 70 pending lawsuits against you." "okay, i've got an idea. give me that hat." one white nationalist who's being sued by protesters, matthew heimbach, claims that trump should have to pay any damages because heimbach, "acted pursuant to the directives and requests of donald j. trump." so to sum up: a white supremacist roughs up protestor, protestor sues white supremacist, and instead of blaming minorities, white supremacist blames his problems on a powerful white guy. progress, baby steps. baby steps. ( cheers and applause ) makes you feel-- somewhere, somewhere in here. trump is scheduled to make a state visit to great britain later this year, and not everyone in old england is feeling jolly about it. a petition to cancel the visit was signed by 1.8 million people. ( cheers and applause ) 1.8. wow! 1.8 million. that's a huge number. i mean, that's like a fake inauguration crowd number. ( laughter ) and he doesn't want just any arrival when he gets there. "trump wants a gold-plated carriage ride with the queen." i don't know why either he wants the gold-plated carriage ride with the queen? to make him feel important. or... oh no! your majesty! if you hear the sound of tic-tacs, just open the door and get away. i'm telling her to get away from him. you understand, i'm the good guy if this scenario. you understand. i'm being helpful in the thing i just made up. ( applause ) ( cheers ) thank you. and the golden carriage is just one of trump's flashy demands. we actually got our hands on the letter that trump sent over to buckingham palace with the rest of his wishes. it's the actual letter because it's got the presidential seal right there, and you can't fake that. ( laughter ) legally, i think i could go to jail. >> jon: that's it. >> stephen: i don't know in england what they do with that. jimmy, here we go: "ehhh... dear queen, while i'm in great england, tremendous britain, the u.k., i demand to do the following things: pull a sword from a rock, kiss a sleeping woman, deport paddington bear, decapitate the ex-wife of my choosing, mind the gap, have a slice of shepherd's pie-- if that's a sex thing-- invade narnia, and kill harry potter!" ( laughter ) "sincerely, donnie." it was all funny until we killed harry potter. but some people are enjoying the trump administration, and i don't just mean the founding fathers who get to have fun spinning around in their graves. wheeeeeeee! no, i'm talking about our old friends the obalm as. this week, they were in polynesia, and someone managed to get this shot of barack taking a vacation picture of michelle posing for a picture on a yacht? wow. michelle decided to plagiarize melania for once. ( laughter ) can we get that back up again? let's get a closer look. he's taking the picture on an ipad. "daaad! come on! this is worse than when uncle joe made everyone look at his leaning tower of penis." and we miss you, sir. we miss you. ( cheers and applause ) and the obamas weren't even the most powerful people on the boat, because joining them on the super-yacht were "oprah, as well as tom hanks and bruce springsteen." that is nearly all of america's strategic likability reserve! i just pray to god they put dwayne "the rock" johnson in a secure location. we've got a great show for you tonight. alec baldwin is here. stick around. ♪ are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. yeah, i just saved a whole lot of money by swhuh.ing to geico. we should take a closer look at geico... you know, geico insures way more than cars. boats, motorcycles... even rvs! geico insures rvs? what's an rv? uh, the thing we've been stuck on for five years! wait, i'm not a real moose?? we've been over this, jeff... we're stickers! i'm not a real moose? give him some space. deep breaths, jeff. what's a sticker?!? take a closer look at geico. great savings. and a whole lot more. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody! jon! jon. if i'm not mistaken, if i'm not mistaken, and, please, please correct me if i'm wrong here, but you appear to have some very special guests with the band tonight. would you please tell us who is sitting in. >> jon: blues legends cab mow and taj mahal. >> yeah, baby! >> stephen: thank you for being here, gentlemen. we'll be hearing songs from their new blues album tonight, taj mo. thank you for being here. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is one of my favorite actors, and i wish he was president. pliez welcome the great sir alec baldwin. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> wooo! wow! what a nice crowd you have. >> stephen: they are lovely people. we decided to have a nice crowd for you tonight. because of you, we decided to have the best crowd of the week. >> it's chilly in here. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's comedy weather. it's comedy weather. keeps the guests fresh. >> i was in my closet and thought i have a few suits to put on and i said i'm not going to wear a suit, i have this dirty-- i call it the springsteen look, my black shirt. "so what's up?" i'm sorry, i didn't dress up for you. >> stephen: you are always dressed up. you look like you are about to do tae kwon do or something. >> i'm about to clean your pool. >> stephen: can i ask you a quick questions about the obamas. they were on geffen's yacht with oprah and springsteen and tom hanks and paul mccartney. do you ever do stuff like that? because i hear about stuff like that, and i go, "i never get invited to those parties? >> you don't? >> stephen: no, i haven't. >> why do you think that is? ( laughter ) no, but i'm saying, like -- >> stephen: i'm too darn busy. >> you are. sometimes i seem to miss that, you know, because of my kids and, like, i'll be making a movie, and the invitation will come and say, "come to mick jagger's daughter's wedding," or something. and i'm like, "i can't. i'm up here in canada making a movie." i'll say to them, ," can i get out of work to go to mick jagger's daughter's wedding." "no! you can't get out of work to do that." >> stephen: what a hard life you have. >> my wife will say, "nobody feels sorry for you alec." >> stephen: nobody should feel sorry for you. you have a lovely wife. you have a brand new daughter or son? >> we have our son, leo, who was in the room just now, and we had to change his diaper, and we were afraid somebody was going to walk in and go, "oh, alec, what happened in here?" it was the baby. >> stephen: oh, sure. not only the new baby, but also you have one of the greatest careers of all time, which is-- >> a silly thing we're doing now. >> stephen: exactly, right now. when i saw your donald trump for the first time. ( cheers and applause ) i think, like a lot of people, i think like a lot of people. >> when saw your trump i went, "oh, thank god. somebody has cracked that nut." do you like doing it? >> it's amazing. i think more than anything it's kind of eerie, actually, more than anything i have ever done, people come up to me and say something to me on the streets. you are in new york, and people come up to the on the street and say something. our daughter carmen is three and a half, and i call her the reincarn aition of elaine strich. thank you that you got that. people will walk up to me, and we'll be putting carmen in her little stroller and someone will walk by very quietly and go, "thank you, thank you. thank you. thank you." they're like thank me for the trump thing. and my daughter carmen will look at them and say, "i don't like you!" ( laughter ) like enough of this slapping my dad on the back and congratulating him. "just go away!" >> stephen: what's your hook-in? what is the thing you have to do? is it-- is it your face? is it the hair? is it the hands? is it the voice. >> they're sitting there on "s.n.l.." and i was going to do a movie this last summer, and lor lorne would say, "i want you to come do trump?" >> stephen: "i would like you to do your trump, please. >> "come and do trump every saturday for 18 consecutive weeks." i go do this film, and the film fell apart and it was kind of weird, all of a sudden the movie ended, i'm not going to do the movie. i picked up the phone and called lorne and said, "i'm trump. here i come. i'm on my way." and we get in the room and they showed footage of him. it's totally a caricature. you pick a few things. i'm sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face out. you're trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car. you're like. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. hey, thank you! >> thank you! >> stephen: now, trump isn't your first sort of questionable president. you have experience with because i found out you went to g.w., right? >> yes! >> stephen: george, with university. >> stephen: you ran for-- >> president of the school. >> stephen: and i'm really jealous, because nixon is my guy. >> is he. >> stephen: i remember the watergate hearings. that's my first introduction to presidency and you got this fantastic letter from nixon right there, richard nixon himself. he calls you alex. >> you know what the greatest part is, "from our mutual friend mark weinberg i have learned of the disappointing results, as far as you are concerned" he writes. >> stephen: "as far as you are concerned of the recent george washington university student body elections. you cared enough to enter the arena." are you ever going to re-enter the arena? >> no. >> stephen: entertainers can be presidents. >> you did one of the most astute, super political show for years, and that is i think trump-- it's not going to swing back-- it's not going to stay that way, meaning it's not going to open the door for nontraditional candidate s. >> stephen: no, no, basically is goes competency, incompetency, competency. >> right, it goes crazy, safe, crazy, safe. ( applause ) but clinton, bush, obama, trump. is will swing back. some guy who is, like, governor, next year of nevada -- >> stephen: really any of place would be nice. >> do we really care at this point? >> stephen: the guy from governor's island would be fine. >> governor's island. the mayor of governor's island. >> stephen: we have to take a little break but we'll be right back with alec baldwin and his new book "nevertheless." ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ at lincoln, we're all about making things simpler for you. like, imagine having your vehicle serviced... from the comfort of your own home. introducing complimentary lincoln pickup and delivery servicing. because the most important luxury of all... is time. pickup and delivery servicing on the entire family of lincoln luxury vehicles including a complimentary lincoln loaner. you never know what'll inspire you. but i take it all with me, and give it all back. experience more as a member. the marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer. available at national retailers. ♪ ♪i'ma wade, i'ma wave through the waters♪ ♪tell the tide, "don't move" ♪freedom! freedom! i can't move ♪freedom, cut me loose! ♪freedom! freedom! where are you?♪ ♪cause i need freedom too! ♪freedom! freedom! freedom! freedom!♪ ♪what you want from me? ♪is it truth you seek? oh father can you hear meee...ooow?♪ does your makeup remover every kiss-proof,ff? cry-proof, stay-proof look? neutrogena® makeup remover does. it erases 99% of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. need any more proof than that? neutrogena. then shielding lubrication. and cooling. brrr. with lubrication before and after the blades. shields and cools while you shave. proshield chill from gillette. everybody. we're here with the lovely and talent ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ed sir alec baldwin. now, alec, you have a new book here-- is this your first book? >> i wrote another book. >> stephen: it's a memoir called "nevertheless." okay, there you are now, and here you are back in the jack ryan days. >> the guy that shot this picture-- he shot both pictures -- 30 years apart the same guy. a friend of mine. >> stephen: did you get a break the second time because it was like a two-fer. >> we put a lot of vaseline on the lens the second time. >> stephen: why a memoir? you're only 59 years old. what are you trying to remember at this point? >> exactly. i'm aflailed i won't have the memory or energy for it 20 years from now. i thought to myself while i still have a few shards of memory left i'll do it now. >> stephen: obviously, i read the book, but in case i haven't-- ( laughter ) it goes without saying i read all the books. i read all the books. >> yeah, yeah, that's what i love about you. >> stephen: oh, yeah. this was so easy to read, it passed right through, like you greased it. are there, like, confessions in here? are there things you just wanted to get out-- >> which was your favorite confession? >> stephen: oh, i think-- ( laughter ) i think it was that-- i think-- hold on. i think it was the key party with gayle king. >> oh, it was a good one. >> stephen: you and charlie rose. no, but, are you-- are you really getting things out about your life? like "let me tell you the story before there are rumors about it." >> it's bogus but i talk about things i never talked about publicly before. >> stephen: why is that bogus? >> because it sounds like i'm trying to sell books. i talk about i had a problem with drugs when i was younger, you know, when i was yr vung. >> stephen: i can ask you something here? it's a little bit of a personal question. i have been a fan of yours for years, and i've admired your career-- obviously, this is the real jack ryan, not harrison ford. this is the real jack ryan. >> i was first. >> stephen: but you-- like, you famously like ideal at a paparazzo out there on the street one day. >> yes. >> stephen: more than one time. >> yes. was i on drugs then is what you are asking. >> stephen: no, beyond drugs or not beyond drugs. that's your own life. what i didn't understand is sometimes you seemed like an angry guy. you have a handsome guy, talented, have a beautiful wife, a great career. what made you angry? what was the anger? >> the times i've been angry in my life which you can count them on one hand, really. there have been five of them in my whole life and there just happen to be a lot of cameras nearby. it's terrible. ( laughter ) there was one guy who was a paparazzi, we were coming out of our apartment and he was walking backwards-- this is a true story-- and he tripped and fell on a baby in a stroller, our neighbor's baby and he sat on the baby in the stroller. and that-- that upset me. that upset me. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> yeah, i got upset. >> stephen: so you're not san angry person. >> no, i don't think i am. i don't think i am. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i accept that. i accept that. >> bull butt i think that the-- my favorite was this cop gets me when we had the whole problem with the paparazzi and he said, "mr. baldwin, i know people say you have a tough time controlling your temper getting control of yourself, but i want to say i think you do a very good job. when i think of what you could have done to this guy if we didn't show up a half an hour ago." but i think you make a very good point is i had to learn once again, my wife and my kids, not to make certain mistakes because it only adds to their problems, you know what i mean? the camera guys come down and i just ignore them. but they used to bother me. >> stephen: you're the eldest of six, right? >> i have an older sister. i'm the oldest son. >> stephen: two girls, four boys. >> right. q. big irish catholic family?>>. >> stephen: did you ever think about being a priest? >> i did. in my family i was told the oldest son of an oldest son in an irish catholic family is supposed to become a priest and i did think about it for a while. >> stephen: my family's tradition was every child was asked to consider holy orders. you had to give it thought? >> did you. >> stephen: sure? >> for how long. >> stephen: i was an altar boy and i wanted to be an actor and that's kind of like a priest, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: because there's a stage and an audience there. ( laughter ) but i didn't like that they're not allowed to applaud, you know. they're not allowed to applaud at the end of mass like, you nailed it! i heard a rumor just recently from one of my producers-- >> that i'm angry. >> stephen: that you went on a date with jacqueline onassis. >> okay, now. i'm going to drink before we talk about this. >> stephen: let's sell some books. >> my friend, jim hart, who was married to carly simon calls me up and says, "do you want to come to see dancing at lunickia. and come to our apartment, a quick al fresco meal. 6:30, don't be late." >> stephen: "al fresco" means naked, right? >> it's in the book. read the book. he goes it's going to be you, me, carly and a mystery guest. i arrive a little early and 6:30 comes around and in walks jacqueline kennedy. and she was there. but it was definitely not a date. >> stephen: come on! >> please, what would jacqueline kennedy want with me? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you're not a priest! you're not a priest! and let me tell you, she wasn't a nun! ( laughter ). >> jacqueline kennedy was-- we have dinner with her. the funny thing was, she said to me-- she did speak the way people kind of imitate her. she goes, "my driver, body guard, john, is downstairs, and there's a lot of paparazzi there, and i don't want us to be photographed, so i'm going to go downstairs and get in my car with john and we're going to go to the theater separate fru, and you and carly and jim can get in your car." so literally, carly, jim. >> and put wigs on, and big sunglass so they didn't know -- >> stephen: wigs? so they didn't know which one of you was jacqueline onassis. >> yeah, like i'm jacqueline onasis. she goes in her car and she sat in front of us. we didn't sit together. does this sound like a date to you? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. it sounds like a date to me. i didn't go on very good dates when i was younger. that's why. >> you had fun dates. >> stephen: we have to take a little break right here, but i would like to talk to you when i back, i always wanted to act with you. >> can we make that happen. >> stephen: i don't know. we'll find out when we come back. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back with canned ball. and once we do, we see wonder waiting. every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. so, the question you asked me. what is the key? it's you. everything in one place, so you can travel the world better. to repay our gift, of leaving it completely alone. bottled at the source. untouched by man. it's earth's finest water. fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol® ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! cheers, cheers. here's to you. alec, obviously, it's been great having you here. i'm loving the book, which i'm going to read again. ( laughter ) "nevertheless," truly a fantastic book. and more importantly, you're just one of my favorite actors. ( cheers and applause ) >> i feel-- you know what's funny. i feel the same way about you, stephen? >> stephen: really, you really feel that way? >> even if i didn't, you'd never be able to tell. that's how great an actor i am. >> stephen: bravo, bravo. we do have to go. it's too bad we only had time for an interview. i'd love to act at you sometimes. >> act at me. >> stephen: yeah, that's how hard i act. yeah, yeah. >> why not right now? q. now?>> this is a broadway st. >> stephen: it is a broadway stage. thank you for insisting but i don't think we have time to put on a whole play. >> but we could do the final climactic scene from a never-before-seen stage drama. >> stephen: and to make sure that it makes sense to the audience, we can cram all the characters' backstory into the dialogue. >> let's do it! >> stephen: okay! it's time for the late show's "too much exposition theatre." ♪ ♪ >> the late show presents, too much exposition theatre. >> stephen: how enchanting it is to be here alone in my solitude in the fiefdom of my mad uncle who died suddenly of the plague when i pushed him from a window. and now i, balthasar, his only living heir, stand unopposed to inherit castle lancastwinshire. ( cheers and applause ) >> good afternoon, my lord! and since i am tardy-- good morning. >> stephen: can it really be you? >> yes, it is i, your cousin, manvolio, son of your mad uncle, the duke of lancastwinshire, and his rightful heir. i see you're filled with disbelief, for you have not laid eyes upon me since we were mere beardless youths competing for the affections of the fair lady eleanor. >> ah, fair eleanor. >> stephen: but, cous, me thought you drowned whilst lawfully apprehended to a one-eyed silversmith who lost the crown jewels of the empire in a game of "chance" on board a galley off the coast of sardinia! >> nay, cous, for at the time i went overboard, the vessel was passing the port town of catania. >> stephen: catania? between calabro and policoro? >> no, no. look at this map. you see, we passed north- northeasterly past palermo. >> stephen: ah, yes, near reggio, home of cousin giovanni. >> no, here. look at the family tree. you're thinking of ruggierio, son of drunk uncle nencio. >> stephen: uh... >> locked in an iron mask in the deepest dungeon of the highest tower of the farthest kingdom? >> stephen: right, the mask guy. yeah, yeah. >> exactly. and now here i stand, having washed ashore on an island where monkeys roamed like sheep and ruled like gods. and only by diguising myself as my own sister was i able to seduce the captain of a passing naval frigate to surprise you here! >> stephen: oh, cousin, tis no surprise, for, you see, shortly after your disappearance, i was traipsing in the woods-- ( laughter ) looking for sweet crabapple when i was surrounded by three witches. >> the sexy kind? >> stephen: is there any other ( laughter ) and these wishes three they warned me that one day you'd return to claim what is rightfully yours. but all you will claim is this dagger! >> woah, woah, woah! dagger? dear cousin, you mistake me. i have no interest in the castle. i was just stopping by to pick up my, ah, my, ah, basketball pump. i left it here before the whole monkey island thing. >> >> stephen: basketball pump that's worries? i was wondering who this belonged to! >> thank you. now basketball pump, do your ill deed! >> stephen: no! no! don't pump it! no! ( cheers and applause ) no! no! alec baldwin, everybody! his book "nevertheless" is available now. we'll be right back with charlamagne tha god! 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( laughter ) ( applause ) in retrospect. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: in retrospect-- >> yeah. >> stephen: do you think you might have over-reacted in the moment? >> no, i think-- i think i was right. ( laughter ). >> stephen: what i see happening now is what i was afraid was going to happen the night of the election. >> absolutely. i think we're at a point right now in the country where it's not even about, you know, conservative and liberal or right and left. i just think it's about right and wrong, good and evil, god and satan, and you have to ask yourself what side of history do you want to be on? ( applause ) >> stephen: um, well, you've got a new book. >> yes, i do. my first book, ever! ( cheers and applause ) yes. thank you. >> stephen: it's a book about your experience and your view of the world. it's called "black privilege." >> "opportunity comes to those who create it." >> stephen: what is black privilege? >> first of all, i think it's a privilege to be black. i think when you're talking about black privilege, you're talking about something spiritual. when you talk about while the privilege you talk about something systemic and think we have a divine system that enables us to prosper in this country in spite of everything we've been through. but i simply feel like this is a privilege to be alive, period. i feel like whatever you are, whatever god made you, whatever he put you here as, you should find privilege in that, and you should tiewz to empower you. ( applause ). >> stephen: i believe that. that-- no matter what happens in your life, there's only one response, and that's gratitude to be here. >> always, to be here. i think we take it for granted. when you think about it, when your father has sex with your mother it's 400 million sperm cells that come out, and only one allows us to be where we are. >> stephen: yeah. >> so that's a lot of privilege in that sperm. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah. >> stephen: i, for the record, do not believe my parents had sex. >> really. >> stephen: no, just a firm handshake. >> okay. >> stephen: firm handshake at bedtime and "see you in the morning, darling." that's the image i have in my mind for the record. now, what is south carolina privilege. you're from south carolina, i'm from south carolina. not that far away. monks corner. >> monks corner. >> stephen: what's south carolina privilege? >> me being here four times in the past year. >> stephen: that's right. we love having ow. >> when my book came out, other late night shows were like, "we want you on. can you do us before colbert?" i said, "no, i can't. he's from south carolina. i've been on three times already." >> stephen: palmetto state, gotta represent. >> palmetto state gotta stick together. >> stephen: we have to hang up on the in south carolina. >> we have to go half on a school or something or half on a scholarship. >> stephen: i work with my friends at donors choose in south carolina. do you mix up with them? >> no, but i'd like to. let them know i don't have the money you do. >> stephen: this is a sweet book money. >> hopefully i could get into that tax bracket but i would love to do something in south carolina, like, just for the schools. >> stephen: if you got into my tax bracket, you might like trump more. >> no, no, because i'm the type of guy that will always choose morals over money, you know ( applause ). >> stephen: spoken-- spoken bike a man who doesn't have the money yet. ( laughter ) does this book reveal anything embarrassing about you-- don't ask. hey, do not tempt the lord thy god. he might give it to you. that's right. any embarrassing revelation in addition here? >> i mean, i talk about my penis size. like -- >> stephen: is that embarrassing, charlemagne? >> it dperngdz i'm seven inches, three-fourth in the winter, eight in the summer. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i think we might have to call time-out right now. i might have-- i'm sorry, i might have to-- might have to throw a flag on that. >> i do tell a story about my-- my-- she's now my wife. at the time she was my girlfriend. and, you know, we-- you know, she was-- in college,un in college you go through your phase, and she was a cheerleader and she had slept with another guy. and she told me his penis was bigger than mine and that was really trawm tiegz. so i ordered pills called magna r.x, that was suppose to make your penis bigger and i was doing exercises to stretch my penis and take the pills. >> stephen: but, again, anything embarrassing in the book? >> oh, yeah, not really. ( laughter ) >> stephen: great to you have back, man. nice to see you. the book is "black privilege." it's out today! that is charlamagne tha god. we'll be right back. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rose byrne, lewis black, and musical guest, p.j. harvey. now stick around for james corden and his guests: shania twain, tyrese gibson, and whitney cummings. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from petersberg, indiana,

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