And Charlamagne Tha God. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen whooo whooo hey hey jon hey stephen whats going on . cheers and applause how are you, man . Jon whats happening. Stephen good to see you. Hey, thanks so much. Please, youre very kind. Thanks so much, everybody. So nice to be here. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause happy people. Happy people, of course. Happy tax day, everybody. This is the day when we all release our tax returns to the man who wont release his. Now, tax day is traditionally on the 15th, but since that was on a saturday, this year they gave everyone three more days to figure out how their bathroom is a home office. laughter i do a lot of reading in there. I do a lot a lot of reading in thrnchts a lot of tweeting, you know. Stephen but on the 15th, thousands of people across the country, marched to get trump to release his taxes. cheers and applause beautiful idea. Lovely. Lovely idea. But the tax march did not get trump to release his taxes, much like the womens march did not get trump to release his woman, but nice try, nice try. But he did release some tweets. I did what was an almost an impossible thing to do for a republican easily won the Electoral College now tax returns are brought up again . laughter okay, i know you won, but you know those things arent related, right . Hey, i just won a spelling bee why are you looking in my crawl space . laughter thats all right, thats all right, thats all right. And trump demanded to know who was really behind the tax marches. Someone should look into who paid for the small organized rallies yesterday. The election is over yes, who paid for the rallies . I mean, they were authentic and drew people of all ages, so we know it wasnt pepsi. laughter delicious. I could go. Delicious product, though, its a delicious product. Please buy it. Are they a sponsor . Are they a sponsor . Sure, why not . And yesterday, during sean spicers daily spicening, the question of trumps taxes came up again. Is it time to just say once and for all, the president is never going to release his tax returns . Umm, well have to get back to you on that. If you want i mean, so you. I mean, really . Really. So he may . No, i said id have to get back to you on that. So you cant even say if hell ever release his taxes . No matter what happens . How about this scenario aliens take over the earth, enslave mankind, and their one weakness the one way to destroy them and free humanity is they are easily susceptible to 2000200stef itemized tax returns from donald j. Trump. Would he release them then . I said id have to get back to you on that. Stephen hes consistent, hes cannot. Of course, who has time to worry about taxes when were about to go to war with north korea. But never fear, the white house sent mike pence to the d. M. Z. , and because the situation is so serious, he wore his top gun halloween costume. laughter the danger zone i would like to see i wouldnt mind i would like to see mike pence play shirtless volleyball in blue jeans. Jon yeah, that would be nice. Stephen obviously, if his wife was there. And pence has got his work cut out for him because yesterday a north korean u. N. Representative warned thermonuclear war may break out at any moment. Now, this show pretapes, so if youre watching this at home right now, we made it to. cheers and applause 11 11 41. Im going to call 11 41. And this time, it isnt north korea with an erratic, triggerhappy leader. According to one russian official, trump is more impulsive and unpredictable than kim jongun. Well, then, russia, you should have thought of that before you elected him. laughter cheers and applause laughter our president. cheers and applause what . What what i just put the i forgot to put the im sure cbs wont mind. laughter luckily, our president had some reassuring words this morning on the fox and the friends. The Vice President is in asia doing the fourstop tour, and he said, basically, the u. S. Is running out of patience, clearly a message to north korea. You have a navy fleet that is sent into the sea of japan right now. Have you ruled out a military strike . I dont want to telegraph what im doing or what im thinking. Stephen okay, but can you at least confirm that you are thinking and that youre familiar with more Current Technology than a telegraph . laughter no matter what trump was asked in this interview, they taped it monday but showed it this morning. Trump never gave a straight answer. Did we sabotage the north korea strike . I dont want to comment on it. Okay, what happens if north korea launches another missile . We will find out. All right. Stephen all right. Have a good war. Now heres a word from our sponsor everblast subterrean, leadlined bunkers, everyone else is dead. Theyre still working on their motto. Theyre still working on their motto. Are they a sponsor for us . Id love to be in my blast shelter with a pepsi. It would be fantastic. Also, i noticed something odd about how trump refers to north koreas leader but, you know, theyve been talking with this gentleman for a long time. They have all been outplayed by this gentleman. Stephen i dont think trump knows kim jonguns name. laughter i dont this gentleman. . Are they going to a strip club together . Why does he keep calling him this gentleman . Either that, or the best nickname he can come up with is this gentleman. And, mr. President , youre known for your nicknames. Your lyin ted, your crooked hillary. And this guy is a name bonanza. How about shiitake mushroom hair, the dear eater, chairman cow, the dictator tot, el presidumpty, the glorious peoples repiglet. Anything at all for this. cheers and applause looks fantastic. Now, we know trump never backs down from a fight as long as someone else will do his fighting. Just listen just listen to one of his rallies will last year when some protesters interrupted his speech. Get em out. Get em out. Get em out. Look who we have here, some wonderful people. Awwwww. Get out of here get out get out unbelievable u. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. stephen u. S. A. u. S. A. that guys in charge of the u. S. A. laughter now, that was in louisville last year, and trumps supporters provided all the slugging. And now those protestors are suing donald trump for inciting violence at his rallies, which is kind of like suing olive garden for inciting breadsticks. laughter but the president has a simple counterargument suck it. Because the presidency, he says makes him immune to lawsuits. Oh, immune to lawsuits. I finally know why he ran for president. Mr. Trump, mr. Trump, mr. Trump, as your lawyer i should advise you, you have over 70 pending lawsuits against you. Okay, ive got an idea. Give me that hat. One White Nationalist whos being sued by protesters, matthew heimbach, claims that trump should have to pay any damages because heimbach, acted pursuant to the directives and requests of donald j. Trump. So to sum up a white supremacist roughs up protestor, protestor sues white supremacist, and instead of blaming minorities, white supremacist blames his problems on a powerful white guy. Progress, baby steps. Baby steps. cheers and applause makes you feel somewhere, somewhere in here. Trump is scheduled to make a state visit to Great Britain later this year, and not everyone in old england is feeling jolly about it. A petition to cancel the visit was signed by 1. 8 million people. cheers and applause 1. 8. Wow 1. 8 million. Thats a huge number. I mean, thats like a fake inauguration crowd number. laughter and he doesnt want just any arrival when he gets there. Trump wants a goldplated carriage ride with the queen. I dont know why either he wants the goldplated carriage ride with the queen . To make him feel important. Or. Oh no your majesty if you hear the sound of tictacs, just open the door and get away. Im telling her to get away from him. You understand, im the good guy if this scenario. You understand. Im being helpful in the thing i just made up. applause cheers thank you. And the golden carriage is just one of trumps flashy demands. We actually got our hands on the letter that trump sent over to Buckingham Palace with the rest of his wishes. Its the actual letter because its got the president ial seal right there, and you cant fake that. laughter legally, i think i could go to jail. Jon thats it. Stephen i dont know in england what they do with that. Jimmy, here we go ehhh. Dear queen, while im in great england, tremendous britain, the u. K. , i demand to do the following things pull a sword from a rock, kiss a sleeping woman, deport paddington bear, decapitate the exwife of my choosing, mind the gap, have a slice of shepherds pie if thats a sex thing invade narnia, and kill harry potter laughter sincerely, donnie. It was all funny until we killed harry potter. But some people are enjoying the trump administration, and i dont just mean the Founding Fathers who get to have fun spinning around in their graves. Wheeeeeeee no, im talking about our old friends the obalm as. This week, they were in polynesia, and someone managed to get this shot of barack taking a vacation picture of michelle posing for a picture on a yacht . Wow. Michelle decided to plagiarize melania for once. laughter can we get that back up again . Lets get a closer look. Hes taking the picture on an ipad. Daaad come on this is worse than when uncle joe made everyone look at his Leaning Tower of penis. And we miss you, sir. We miss you. cheers and applause and the obamas werent even the most powerful people on the boat, because joining them on the superyacht were oprah, as well as tom hanks and bruce springsteen. That is nearly all of americas strategic likability reserve i just pray to god they put dwayne the rock johnson in a secure location. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Alec baldwin is here. Stick around. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. Yeah, i just saved a whole lot of money by swhuh. Ing to geico. We should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico insures way more than cars. Boats, motorcycles. Even rvs geico insures rvs . Whats an rv . Uh, the thing weve been stuck on for five years wait, im not a real moose . . Weve been over this, jeff. Were stickers im not a real moose . Give him some space. Deep breaths, jeff. Whats a sticker . . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. band playing cheers and applause stephen give it up for the band, everybody jon jon. If im not mistaken, if im not mistaken, and, please, please correct me if im wrong here, but you appear to have some very special guests with the band tonight. Would you please tell us who is sitting in. Jon blues legends cab mow and taj mahal. Yeah, baby stephen thank you for being here, gentlemen. Well be hearing songs from their new blues album tonight, taj mo. Thank you for being here. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is one of my favorite actors, and i wish he was president. Pliez welcome the great sir alec baldwin. applause wooo wow what a nice crowd you have. Stephen they are lovely people. We decided to have a nice crowd for you tonight. Because of you, we decided to have the best crowd of the week. Its chilly in here. cheers and applause stephen its comedy weather. Its comedy weather. Keeps the guests fresh. I was in my closet and thought i have a few suits to put on and i said im not going to wear a suit, i have this dirty i call it the springsteen look, my black shirt. So whats up . Im sorry, i didnt dress up for you. Stephen you are always dressed up. You look like you are about to do tae kwon do or something. Im about to clean your pool. Stephen can i ask you a quick questions about the obamas. They were on geffens yacht with oprah and springsteen and tom hanks and paul mccartney. Do you ever do stuff like that . Because i hear about stuff like that, and i go, i never get invited to those parties . You dont . Stephen no, i havent. Why do you think that is . laughter no, but im saying, like stephen im too darn busy. You are. Sometimes i seem to miss that, you know, because of my kids and, like, ill be making a movie, and the invitation will come and say, come to mick jaggers daughters wedding, or something. And im like, i cant. Im up here in canada making a movie. Ill say to them, can i get out of work to go to mick jaggers daughters wedding. No you cant get out of work to do that. Stephen what a hard life you have. My wife will say, nobody feels sorry for you alec. Stephen nobody should feel sorry for you. You have a lovely wife. You have a brand new daughter or son . We have our son, leo, who was in the room just now, and we had to change his diaper, and we were afraid somebody was going to walk in and go, oh, alec, what happened in here . It was the baby. Stephen oh, sure. Not only the new baby, but also you have one of the greatest careers of all time, which is a silly thing were doing now. Stephen exactly, right now. When i saw your donald trump for the first time. cheers and applause i think, like a lot of people, i think like a lot of people. When saw your trump i went, oh, thank god. Somebody has cracked that nut. Do you like doing it . Its amazing. I think more than anything its kind of eerie, actually, more than anything i have ever done, people come up to me and Say Something to me on the streets. You are in new york, and people come up to the on the street and Say Something. Our daughter carmen is three and a half, and i call her the reincarn aition of elaine strich. Thank you that you got that. People will walk up to me, and well be putting carmen in her little stroller and someone will walk by very quietly and go, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Theyre like thank me for the trump thing. And my daughter carmen will look at them and say, i dont like you laughter like enough of this slapping my dad on the back and congratulating him. Just go away stephen whats your hookin . What is the thing you have to do . Is it is it your face . Is it the hair . Is it the hands . Is it the voice. Theyre sitting there on s. N. L. And i was going to do a movie this last summer, and lor lorne would say, i want you to come do trump . Stephen i would like you to do your trump, please. Come and do trump every saturday for 18 consecutive weeks. I go do this film, and the film fell apart and it was kind of weird, all of a sudden the movie ended, im not going to do the movie. I picked up the phone and called lorne and said, im trump. Here i come. Im on my way. And we get in the room and they showed footage of him. Its totally a caricature. You pick a few things. Im sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face out. Youre trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car. Youre like. cheers and applause stephen thank you. Hey, thank you thank you stephen now, trump isnt your first sort of questionable president. You have experience with because i found out you went to g. W. , right . Yes stephen george, with university. Stephen you ran for president of the school. Stephen and im really jealous, because nixon is my guy. Is he. Stephen i remember the watergate hearings. Thats my first introduction to presidency and you got this fantastic letter from nixon right there, Richard Nixon himself. He calls you alex. You know what the greatest part is, from our mutual friend Mark Weinberg i have learned of the disappointing results, as far as you are concerned he writes. Stephen as far as you are concerned of the recent George WashingtonUniversity Student body elections. You cared enough to enter the arena. Are you ever going to reenter the arena . No. Stephen entertainers can be president s. You did one of the most astute, super political show for years, and that is i think trump its not going to swing back its not going to stay that way, meaning its not going to open the door for nontraditional candidate s. Stephen no, no, basically is goes competency, incompetency, competency. Right, it goes crazy, safe, crazy, safe. applause but clinton, bush, obama, trump. Is will swing back. Some guy who is, like, governor, next year of nevada stephen really any of place would be nice. Do we really care at this point . Stephen the guy from Governors Island would be fine. Governors island. The mayor of Governors Island. Stephen we have to take a little break but well be right back with alec baldwin and his new book nevertheless. applause at lincoln, were all about making things simpler for you. Like, imagine having your vehicle serviced. From the comfort of your own home. Introducing complimentary lincoln pickup and delivery servicing. Because the most important luxury of all. 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It erases 99 of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. Need any more proof than that . Neutrogena. Then shielding lubrication. And cooling. Brrr. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. Everybody. Were here with the lovely and talent band playing band playing ed sir alec baldwin. Now, alec, you have a new book here is this your first book . I wrote another book. Stephen its a memoir called nevertheless. Okay, there you are now, and here you are back in the jack ryan days. The guy that shot this picture he shot both pictures 30 years apart the same guy. A friend of mine. Stephen did you get a break the second time because it was like a twofer. We put a lot of vaseline on the lens the second time. Stephen why a memoir . Youre only 59 years old. What are you trying to remember at this point . Exactly. Im aflailed i wont have the memory or energy for it 20 years from now. I thought to myself while i still have a few shards of memory left ill do it now. Stephen obviously, i read the book, but in case i havent laughter it goes without saying i read all the books. I read all the books. Yeah, yeah, thats what i love about you. Stephen oh, yeah. This was so easy to read, it passed right through, like you greased it. Are there, like, confessions in here . Are there things you just wanted to get out which was your favorite confession . Stephen oh, i think laughter i think it was that i think hold on. I think it was the key party with gayle king. Oh, it was a good one. Stephen you and charlie rose. No, but, are you are you really getting things out about your life . Like let me tell you the story before there are rumors about it. Its bogus but i talk about things i never talked about publicly before. Stephen why is that bogus . Because it sounds like im trying to sell books. I talk about i had a problem with drugs when i was younger, you know, when i was yr vung. Stephen i can ask you something here . Its a little bit of a personal question. I have been a fan of yours for years, and ive admired your career obviously, this is the real jack ryan, not harrison ford. This is the real jack ryan. I was first. Stephen but you like, you famously like ideal at a paparazzo out there on the street one day. Yes. Stephen more than one time. Yes. Was i on drugs then is what you are asking. Stephen no, beyond drugs or not beyond drugs. Thats your own life. What i didnt understand is sometimes you seemed like an angry guy. You have a handsome guy, talented, have a beautiful wife, a great career. What made you angry . What was the anger . The times ive been angry in my life which you can count them on one hand, really. There have been five of them in my whole life and there just happen to be a lot of cameras nearby. Its terrible. laughter there was one guy who was a paparazzi, we were coming out of our apartment and he was walking backwards this is a true story and he tripped and fell on a baby in a stroller, our neighbors baby and he sat on the baby in the stroller. And that that upset me. That upset me. Stephen uhhuh. Yeah, i got upset. Stephen so youre not san angry person. No, i dont think i am. I dont think i am. laughter . Stephen i accept that. I accept that. Bull butt i think that the my favorite was this cop gets me when we had the whole problem with the paparazzi and he said, mr. Baldwin, i know people say you have a tough time controlling your temper getting control of yourself, but i want to say i think you do a very good job. When i think of what you could have done to this guy if we didnt show up a half an hour ago. But i think you make a very good point is i had to learn once again, my wife and my kids, not to make certain mistakes because it only adds to their problems, you know what i mean . The camera guys come down and i just ignore them. But they used to bother me. Stephen youre the eldest of six, right . I have an older sister. Im the oldest son. Stephen two girls, four boys. Right. Q. Big Irish Catholic family . Stephen did you ever think about being a priest . I did. In my family i was told the oldest son of an oldest son in an Irish Catholic family is supposed to become a priest and i did think about it for a while. Stephen my familys tradition was every child was asked to consider holy orders. You had to give it thought . Did you. Stephen sure . For how long. Stephen i was an altar boy and i wanted to be an actor and thats kind of like a priest, right . Yeah. Stephen because theres a stage and an audience there. laughter but i didnt like that theyre not allowed to applaud, you know. Theyre not allowed to applaud at the end of mass like, you nailed it i heard a rumor just recently from one of my producers that im angry. Stephen that you went on a date with jacqueline onassis. Okay, now. Im going to drink before we talk about this. Stephen lets sell some books. My friend, jim hart, who was married to carly simon calls me up and says, do you want to come to see dancing at lunickia. And come to our apartment, a quick al fresco meal. 6 30, dont be late. Stephen al fresco means naked, right . Its in the book. Read the book. He goes its going to be you, me, carly and a mystery guest. I arrive a little early and 6 30 comes around and in walks Jacqueline Kennedy. And she was there. But it was definitely not a date. Stephen come on please, what would Jacqueline Kennedy want with me . laughter applause stephen youre not a priest youre not a priest and let me tell you, she wasnt a nun laughter . Jacqueline kennedy was we have dinner with her. The funny thing was, she said to me she did speak the way people kind of imitate her. She goes, my driver, body guard, john, is downstairs, and theres a lot of paparazzi there, and i dont want us to be photographed, so im going to go downstairs and get in my car with john and were going to go to the theater separate fru, and you and carly and jim can get in your car. So literally, carly, jim. And put wigs on, and big sunglass so they didnt know stephen wigs . So they didnt know which one of you was jacqueline onassis. Yeah, like im jacqueline onasis. She goes in her car and she sat in front of us. We didnt sit together. Does this sound like a date to you . Stephen yeah, yeah. It sounds like a date to me. I didnt go on very good dates when i was younger. Thats why. You had fun dates. Stephen we have to take a little break right here, but i would like to talk to you when i back, i always wanted to act with you. Can we make that happen. Stephen i dont know. Well find out when we come back. Stick around, everybody. Well be right back with canned ball. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. Every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. Bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. So, the question you asked me. What is the key . Its you. Everything in one place, so you can travel the world better. To repay our gift, of leaving it completely alone. Bottled at the source. Untouched by man. Its earths finest water. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody cheers, cheers. Heres to you. Alec, obviously, its been great having you here. Im loving the book, which im going to read again. laughter nevertheless, truly a fantastic book. And more importantly, youre just one of my favorite actors. cheers and applause i feel you know whats funny. I feel the same way about you, stephen . Stephen really, you really feel that way . Even if i didnt, youd never be able to tell. Thats how great an actor i am. Stephen bravo, bravo. We do have to go. Its too bad we only had time for an interview. Id love to act at you sometimes. Act at me. Stephen yeah, thats how hard i act. Yeah, yeah. Why not right now . Q. Now . This is a broadway st. Stephen it is a broadway stage. Thank you for insisting but i dont think we have time to put on a whole play. But we could do the final climactic scene from a neverbeforeseen stage drama. Stephen and to make sure that it makes sense to the audience, we can cram all the characters backstory into the dialogue. Lets do it stephen okay its time for the late shows too much exposition theatre. The late show presents, too much exposition theatre. Stephen how enchanting it is to be here alone in my solitude in the fiefdom of my mad uncle who died suddenly of the plague when i pushed him from a window. And now i, balthasar, his only living heir, stand unopposed to inherit castle lancastwinshire. cheers and applause good afternoon, my lord and since i am tardy good morning. Stephen can it really be you . Yes, it is i, your cousin, manvolio, son of your mad uncle, the duke of lancastwinshire, and his rightful heir. I see youre filled with disbelief, for you have not laid eyes upon me since we were mere beardless youths competing for the affections of the fair lady eleanor. Ah, fair eleanor. Stephen but, cous, me thought you drowned whilst lawfully apprehended to a oneeyed silversmith who lost the crown jewels of the empire in a game of chance on board a galley off the coast of sardinia nay, cous, for at the time i went overboard, the vessel was passing the port town of catania. Stephen catania . Between calabro and policoro . No, no. Look at this map. You see, we passed north northeasterly past palermo. Stephen ah, yes, near reggio, home of cousin giovanni. No, here. Look at the family tree. Youre thinking of ruggierio, son of drunk uncle nencio. Stephen uh. Locked in an iron mask in the deepest dungeon of the highest tower of the farthest kingdom . Stephen right, the mask guy. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. And now here i stand, having washed ashore on an island where monkeys roamed like sheep and ruled like gods. And only by diguising myself as my own sister was i able to seduce the captain of a passing naval frigate to surprise you here stephen oh, cousin, tis no surprise, for, you see, shortly after your disappearance, i was traipsing in the woods laughter looking for sweet crabapple when i was surrounded by three witches. The sexy kind . Stephen is there any other laughter and these wishes three they warned me that one day youd return to claim what is rightfully yours. But all you will claim is this dagger woah, woah, woah dagger . Dear cousin, you mistake me. I have no interest in the castle. I was just stopping by to pick up my, ah, my, ah, basketball pump. I left it here before the whole Monkey Island thing. Stephen basketball pump thats worries . I was wondering who this belonged to thank you. Now basketball pump, do your ill deed stephen no no dont pump it no cheers and applause no no alec baldwin, everybody his book nevertheless is available now. Well be right back with Charlamagne Tha God cheers and applause yes say . Is it the cure for malaria . Has the war ended . A prince wants to give us 20 million dollars, he just needs our Social Security numbers. Were gonna be rich horses for everyone the first spam was sent by telegraph in 1864. Huh. Put some flavor in your break. Make time for snapple poallergies . 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Available at national retailers. Neutrogena® hydro boost hydrating tint. Wake up skin. The first water Gel Foundation with hyaluronic acid it plumps, quenches. Delivers a natural, flawless look. This is what makeups been missing. Neutrogena® band playing cheers and applause stephen give it up again for hajj mahaul and keb mo and the band. My next guest prides himself on aggravating everyone, but i like how aggravating he is. Please welcome, Charlamagne Tha God. applause stephen all right, good to see you again. Thank you for having me again. Stephen this is a slightly happier occasion. The last time we were together was on the live Election Night show dont remind me. Stephen well, theres a reminder at 1600 pennsylvania avenue every day. Yes, it is, yes, it is. Stephen and the last time on election show which was a bit of a shocker. Yeah. Stephen didnt know what to expect. A little bit didnt know what to say, but you said this, well, congratulations, america. You bleep this one up. laughter applause in retrospect. cheers and applause . Yeah, yeah. Stephen in retrospect yeah. Stephen do you think you might have overreacted in the moment . No, i think i think i was right. laughter . Stephen what i see happening now is what i was afraid was going to happen the night of the election. Absolutely. I think were at a point right now in the country where its not even about, you know, conservative and liberal or right and left. I just think its about right and wrong, good and evil, god and satan, and you have to ask yourself what side of history do you want to be on . applause stephen um, well, youve got a new book. Yes, i do. My first book, ever cheers and applause yes. Thank you. Stephen its a book about your experience and your view of the world. Its called black privilege. Opportunity comes to those who create it. Stephen what is black privilege . First of all, i think its a privilege to be black. I think when youre talking about black privilege, youre talking about something spiritual. When you talk about while the privilege you talk about something systemic and think we have a divine system that enables us to prosper in this country in spite of everything weve been through. But i simply feel like this is a privilege to be alive, period. I feel like whatever you are, whatever god made you, whatever he put you here as, you should find privilege in that, and you should tiewz to empower you. applause . Stephen i believe that. That no matter what happens in your life, theres only one response, and thats gratitude to be here. Always, to be here. I think we take it for granted. When you think about it, when your father has sex with your mother its 400 million sperm cells that come out, and only one allows us to be where we are. Stephen yeah. So thats a lot of privilege in that sperm. laughter . Stephen yeah. Yeah. Stephen i, for the record, do not believe my parents had sex. Really. Stephen no, just a Firm Handshake. Okay. Stephen Firm Handshake at bedtime and see you in the morning, darling. Thats the image i have in my mind for the record. Now, what is South Carolina privilege. Youre from South Carolina, im from South Carolina. Not that far away. Monks corner. Monks corner. Stephen whats South Carolina privilege . Me being here four times in the past year. Stephen thats right. We love having ow. When my book came out, other late night shows were like, we want you on. Can you do us before colbert . I said, no, i cant. Hes from South Carolina. Ive been on three times already. Stephen palmetto state, gotta represent. Palmetto state gotta stick together. Stephen we have to hang up on the in South Carolina. We have to go half on a school or something or half on a scholarship. Stephen i work with my friends at donors choose in South Carolina. Do you mix up with them . No, but id like to. Let them know i dont have the money you do. Stephen this is a sweet book money. Hopefully i could get into that tax bracket but i would love to do something in South Carolina, like, just for the schools. Stephen if you got into my tax bracket, you might like trump more. No, no, because im the type of guy that will always choose morals over money, you know applause . Stephen spoken spoken bike a man who doesnt have the money yet. laughter does this book reveal anything embarrassing about you dont ask. Hey, do not tempt the lord thy god. He might give it to you. Thats right. Any embarrassing revelation in addition here . I mean, i talk about my penis size. Like stephen is that embarrassing, charlemagne . It dperngdz im seven inches, threefourth in the winter, eight in the summer. laughter . Stephen i think we might have to call timeout right now. I might have im sorry, i might have to might have to throw a flag on that. I do tell a story about my my shes now my wife. At the time she was my girlfriend. And, you know, we you know, she was in college,un in college you go through your phase, and she was a cheerleader and she had slept with another guy. And she told me his penis was bigger than mine and that was really trawm tiegz. So i ordered pills called magna r. X, that was suppose to make your penis bigger and i was doing exercises to stretch my penis and take the pills. Stephen but, again, anything embarrassing in the book . Oh, yeah, not really. laughter stephen great to you have back, man. Nice to see you. The book is black privilege. Its out today that is Charlamagne Tha God. Well be right back. ,,,,,,,,, late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rose byrne, lewis black, and musical guest, p. J. Harvey. Now stick around for james corden and his guests shania twain, tyrese gibson, and whitney cummings. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from petersberg, indiana,