Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jim parsons. Jeff garlin. And paul scheer. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey stephen oh whats up . Thank you very much oh, what a lovely audience. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome t im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause still . Am i still the host . Im still the host cheers and applause now, folks, if you saw my monologue monday, you know that i was a little upset with donald trump for insulting a friend of mine. So at the end of that monologue i had a few choice insults for the president in return. I dont regret that. cheers and applause i believe he can take care of himself. I have jokes. He has the launch codes. So its a fair fight. So while i would do it again, i would change a few words that were cruder than they needed to be. Now, im not going to repeat the phrase, but i just want to say, for the record, life is short, and anyone who expresses their love for another person in their own way is, to me, an american hero. And i think we can all agree on that. I hope even the president and i can agree on that. Nothing else, but that. And for once, for once, the big story today is not donald trump. Its why we have donald trump james comey. The fbi director spent the whole day testifying before the senate. You guys remember just before the election comey announced the f. B. I. Was reopening the investigation into hillarys emails . Hillary remembers, too. And yesterday, she proved it. I was on the way to winning until the combination of jim comeys letter on october 28 and russian wikileaks raised doubts in the minds of people who were inclined to vote for me. You know, if the election had been on october 27, id be your president. Stephen yes, shed be our president. And instead of half the country depressed and the other half gloating, wed have half the country gloating and the other half depressed. Totally different. Now, in his testimony today. He was in testimony all day. He had the ezpass. Comey explained that he understood the impact of his actions. I have lived my entire career by the tradition if you can possibly avoid it, you avoid any action in the runup to an election that might have an impact, whether its a dog catcher election or president of the united states. Stephen he should have stuck with dog catcher. Because we know they dont grab pussies. cheers and applause cat. Cat. Cat. Coldblooded stephen what do you what do you . Now, comey explained his agonizing decision on secretary clintons emails. But i sat there that morning, and i could not see a door labelled no action here. I could see two doors, and they were both actions. One was labelled speak. The other was labelled conceal. Stephen wait, so it was like one of those restaurants that tries to be too clever with the bathroom signs. Lets see, speak or conceal. Men speak, but women do also. Women wear concealer, but men conceal their feelings. Oh, i give up. Ill just pee in the raw bar. laughter now, to comey, to comey, there was no good option. So i stared at speak and conceal. Speak would be really bad. Theres an election in 11 days. Lordy, that would be really bad. Concealing, in my view, would be catastrophic. Stephen lordy laughter lordy, lordy. So he had to choose between really bad and catastrophic, the same things the voters had to choose between. cheers and applause hey yay yay yay no good choices and he made the decision to reveal the investigation, even though he didnt really want to interfere in the process. This was terrible. It makes me mildly nauseous to think that we might have had impact on the election. Stephen mildy nauseous laughter maybe its morning sickness. After all, you did screw the whole country. cheers and applause now, revealing applause take your folic acid. Take your folic acid. Now, revealing the investigation was a tough call, but comey says he stands by it. But, honestly, it wouldnt change the decision. Everybody who disagrees with me has to come back to october 28 with me. Stephen can i go . Can i go i just want i just want to feel again laughter but in the end, in the end, he has no regrets. The honest answer is no. I have asked myself that a million times because, lordy, this has been painful. Stephen yes, james, it has been painful. But i guess the lordy works in mysterious ways. Lordy. Now another guy i feel for him a little bit. I feel for him a little bit. Jon year feeling it. Stephen another guy whos taking questions in washington today was press secretary and dad baicial holding it together in the six flags gift shop, sean spiers. Strangely, he took questions today. Strangely, yesterday, he didnt take any questions. He watched Mick Mulvaney speak about budget negotiations and then just bolted. Sean sean sean come on, sean stephen sean, i know its called a briefing, but that was the briefest. Youve got to stay. Youre the press secretary. Americas tuning in to the spicer power hour. You cant put up o. M. B. Director Mick Mulvaney. That guys clearly just an opening act. It says right here on your tour poster. Sean spicer, featuring the Mick Mulvaney experience. Youre the headliner. All seats reserved. The guy can jump. The guy can jump. Got legs. Now that audience there, the press, they were screaming for an encore so spicer would come out and play the hits play laughter play largest inauguration crowd in history wooo cheers and applause play ill have to get back to you on that cheers and applause mispronounce something wooo cheers and applause im not putting that back in my pocket. That is super hot right now. There you go. Boom lets see, donald trump this is news with him. Donald trump is still trying to repeal and replace obamacare. Audience boo he doesnt have the votes. He doesnt have the votes. But, then again, thats how he got elected. We still dont know, still dont know whats going to happen. But Republican Leadership in the house is trying to rally the troops. Take House Majority leader an High School Senior voted saddest eyes. He pleaded with his fellow republicans to pass the bill, saying, now is not the time to decide what to do or how to do it. Now is the time to do it. Yes, act now and ask questions later, like what did we just do . And, why the hell did we do that . The current hangup is that, under the new bill, states could opt out of protecting people with preexisting conditions. And a lot of moderate republicans dont like that. But North Carolina representative and norwegian man pretending he understands english, Robert Pittenger has a solution. Pettinger explains that if you have a preexisting condition that your state wont cover, people can go to the state they want to live in. Hey, kids, dads got pancreatitis. Road trip and this is going to be a real boon for state tourism. Look forward to signs like virginia is for livers. I heart transplant new york. And come get an alabamputation and, of course, floridas new slogan, we have painkillers. Wait, are you a cop . laughter weve got a great show for you tonight including puppies puppies. But when we return, ill sit down with jim parsons. Stick around when youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. 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[mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. A delicious chew that protects for an entire month. Ask your vet for more information. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Right there right there how are you, my friend . Cheers cheers and applause oh, lord. Lordy, lordy. Lordy lordy, what a crowd welcome back, everybody. From the Big Bang Theory, please welcome jim parsons. Stephen when you have the biggest show in the world, thats what happens. Everybody stands in when you come on. So you werent fired. Stephen no, i wasnt, i wasnt. Unless you know something i dont. No, although we both work for the same network, but no one is calling me, either. Stephen i had to cut my phone calls at this point. Did you . Are you feeling homophobic . Stephen no, actually, im feeling homofeelic. I thought that was a very strange tag to put on the whole monologue. You taught me new terms. I mean, as a gay man, i didnt know certain things that you taught thats it was titalating. I wouldnt call it homophobic. Stephen youre welcome. Thats just my take on stephen the Big Bang Theory, 10 years. 10 years. A decade. Stephen a decade. As the kids call it. A decade. How long how long did you do Comedy Central . Stephen Comedy Central 20 years, but bleep 10 years. Well, i worked for you were with jon. Stephen daily show. But almost 10 years on the old gig doing that character. Did it fly by for you . Stephen it really did. Unless i look at photos laughter . I was just talking about that with a friend today. Its true. You get a lot of people who are very sweet, and they mean it. They go, you look the same as you did. I get where youre coming from, but if if youre me and you live with this face in the mirror every day, and you see a season one episode, youre like there are things happening. Ooik like, what happened to my face . Why do we have to deteriorate i love getting old, but why do we have to start falling apart . Why is that part of the deal . Stephen im hoping like crisper and stem cells will turn me back into a tween. Very good point. Stephen but you wouldnt be, like, young again, would you . No. Stephen its terrible. No, theres nothing about youth they misin that way, except for the physical bounceback. Like, you cant not that you should you cant drink like you used to. Stephen oh, hell no. Nothing like that. Stephen i cant go out on a school night. Me, either stephen no. Im in bed by 8 00 reading. Thats my plan. I stick to it thats my plan. Stephen you have the strength to read. Well. Get a good 10 pages in and then i go back to candy crush to numb myself out and then i asleep. Stephen now, in 10 years you could get a masters and doctorate in physics in that period of time. Uhhuh. Stephen have you incidentally learned physics by playing sheldon . You act like youve never met me, no no stephen i met you once. I met you backstage. We met at a party. We discussed this. It was very unmemorable. You were very sober. You just dont remember. No, i dont think ive learned much of anything. Stephen not even incidentally . I mean, nothing i can name off the top of my head, no. Stephen thats impressive in its own right. Is it. Stephen that nothing sticks to you . Well, i think its the result of excellent writing. Like the comic rhythms and the beats and the whatever. Thats so prominent, that all that bleep with science just stephen was that your writer character. That was my writer character. Stephen the beats and whatever. That was my writer. I dont know what thats about. I just think you have to memorize like that and then its over. I dont know. I shiver every time they put a whiteboard near me. You have to write the last part of the equation. I said, then you mean a plus or minus sign because i can cannot give you a over b of an x. Shut up stephen is there anything you wanted to be other than an actor . Obviously not a physicist. Was there anything ultimated to be . Actually, the closest that was scientificisk, iatoid with being a meteorologist. Stephen thats scientific. Yeah, it was. I do think, though i was partly fascinated by weather, but i was partly i knew that i wanted to perform. And i thought well i could, you know, i could sort of be sort of in science and then actually be on tv, really. Stephen well, the weatherman is usually the funny guy in the local news crew. They certainly try, yes. Stephen yeah, yeah. Did you have a weatherman name, like no, but whats funny is and i didnt know this at the time i was young at the time. But the more i go on. Why do they have those borderline porn star names. Stephen smoky wonder. Yes, we in l. A. , dallas rains. Stephen sure. Johnny mountain. Which sounds weatherific. But its a mountain. Its not really weather. Its not johnny cloud or something. Stephen hes not a geologist. Exactly so, no, i never had one. Jimmy jimmy uh. Pellet . No. Hail. Stephen hail pellet, i like. Hi, everyone sprinkles thats good. Sprinkles parsons. See, no, now were into drag. Its gone beyond porn. applause . Stephen sprinkles . Sprinkles parsons. Stephen now, youre from houston, if im not mistaken. I applause . Oh really i mean, its a big city. Stephen you dont have much of an accent left. Weeel. Well, two things. Number one, they beat it out of you in school if youre in the actingtraining stuff. Stephen i am from South Carolina and mine was surgically removed. I had mine removed by cesarean. Thats why its so pretty. That coneshaped head. Stephen i can still wear a bikini. Exactly youve got a pretty accent. What the hell were we talking about . Stephen youre from houston. Well, i do think that i if it depends who im talking to, how much alcohols involved, you know. Stephen sure. Its the my mother my family, they speak they all have texas accents yall. I still say yall. I never left an audition without saying, thank you, yall. Its a reflex. That correct, yall. Stephen yeah. I got jobs. laughter . Stephen i dont like that yall. Were not casting him. You also have a new sirius radio program. Its called jim parsons is too stupid for politics. What do you mean . Yoem like an intelligent person. My international intent was to call it, jim parsons is too stupid to vote. And he went back and forth. It was kind of my point, theres always an election coming up, a midterm or whatever. The only thing i really cared about was getting the stupid in there. Look, it was this i really do feel like theres just so much more to know about every single issue, other than irate, passion, anger, sadness, glee. And and in many ways applause thank you. And in many ways, you know, i as somebody who have found myself in a liberal camp a lot of the time, voting for democrats most of the time, i really think theres a way to for me to hear about an issue and one of these days im going to hear about one and go, if i dont know what side its on, and i just hear it, im going to go, i just found out i have a conservative point of view. I grew up in texas. Im a traditional kind of person. I i what im saying is im kind of cutting my time here. I watch morning joe i listen to laura inggram. Ill listen to we have a consensussative station on our radio in l. A. And i really im just trying to let that sounds horrible, doesnt tto let all that in. Stephen it doesnt at all. Okay. I want to hear the reason behind everything else. applause . Stephen thats admirable. Thats admirable. Its a little crazymaking, but im glad its admirable. Stephen real quick, we have to go. Thats otis. Your puppy. Otis is 13. Stephen oh hes missing his bottom teeth so you get tongue instead its so great, always tongue. Stephen are you do you love puppies . Oh, beyond. Stephen because the reason i ask you is that we have got some fantastic puppies here in the house tonight. And i was wondering if you could help me tell the people out there about the puppies we have tonight. Nothing would thrill me more. Stephen if you could stick around. Im back. Stephen well be back with jim parsons and some puppies. applause hey girlfriend, hows your cafe au lait . Oh, its actually. Sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx balloon squeals im being so serious right now. I really want to know how your coffee is. Its. Sfx balloon squeals hahahaha, i had a 2nd balloon goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Yeah. Happens to more people than you think. Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Mmm. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. Chevythree years in a row. Car company really. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. U. S. News best cars for the money 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go 2017 iihs. Top safety. 2017 north american car of the year thats a lot of awards get 20 below msrp on all malibu lt models. Thats 5,200 on this chevy malibu. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Someday youll let me put my way ycomb up there air til then youre beautiful and i just stare sometimes you capture the moment, and sometimes it captures you. Experience moe as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries, so no matter where you go, you are here. Lots of silly questions from strangers. Yes, this is a mindblowing marvel of technology. And, yes, you can buy it today because the future doesnt start next week, next month or next year. The future starts now. In the hydrogenfueled toyota mirai. Food. Water. Internet. We need it to live. But what we dont need are surprises, like extra monthly fees. I see you, fee, played by legendary actress anjelica huston. You got me, mark. We just want fast internet for one, simple rate. For all the streaming and the shopping and the newsing, but most of all. For the this. Internet for one everyday simple price and no extra monthly fees. applause . Stephen hey, everybody. Back back to the late show. Longtime viewers of this program know from time to time we do a segment on the show where we tell lies about little puppies to encourage people to adopt them. To make them even more attractive than they ordinarily are. So its time for another edition of rescue dog rescue welcome to rescue dog rescue genetic to rescue dog rescue. A reminder all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Jim, are you ready to lie about some puppies to find them good homes . No, i am not laughter stephen oh, i get it. Youre already lying. Is that it . Yes laughter youre a very smart man. Stephen thank you . Lets begin. This little guy right here. This is max. Max had the idea for uber way before anyone else, but he couldnt get the liquid capital together to make it happen. He doesnt think Travis Kalanick stole the idea, though, because he recognizes that parallel thinking is a real phenomenon. Even still, hes assembling a team of vicious lawyers. There you go penny this is penny. Penny, look at the camera. Penny is a dachshund min pin, and also a fashionista. And, surprisingly, she swears that cargo pants are coming back. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they are coming back. applause stephen this little fella is leo. Not only is leo adornable, but he and your grandpa fought together in the war. Gee doesnt like to talk about it, but his silence speaks volume he doesnt like to talk about it, but his silence speaks volumes. Eswhatever happened over there, talk about it when youre ready, buddy. If youre a student, then he is the Perfect Puppy for this is waldo. You. He is the only dog that does eat homework. His last owner just completed an aplus report on sallingary nine stories so he could poop that out at any minute. Stephen hey, everybody. Meet lola. Lola is a shepherd mix who is great with kids. But im going to be upfront shes also a moon landing denier. Dont hold it against her. She carries a grudge over what happened to russian astronaut dog laika. Look it up, but after the show is over. applause hi, cody. Thank you. Meet cody. Hi, cody. This little fella is the strong, silent type. Unfortunately, the same can be said of his farts. Oh, my stephen oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is jack reacher. laughter before you ask, yes those movies were based on him and, yes, they were entirely accurate. The only reason the studios went with tom cruise was because test audiences didnt like seeing a dog shoot humans with a sniper rifle. Have a good time there. This is tucker. He is a terrier mix. Due to a clerical error, he owns the rights to the entire beatles catalog. So every time you hear here comes the sun in a pharmaceutical commercial, tucker makes major bank. Stephen this little guy and i do mean little this little guy is rusty. Born into the gambino crime family, rusty did the right thing and turned states evidence against his own relatives. Now hes looking for a home as part of witness relocation. Whats that . I said too much . Oh, come on. They wont find you here. 7 well blur your face. applause well, that does it for rescue dog rescue, head to the late shows website colbertlateshow. Com for more info on how to adopt any of these dogs from north Shore Animal League america or to help out with the global pet adoptathon happening this weekend. The Big Bang Theory airs thursdays at 8 00 on cbs. Jim parsons, everybody well be right back with jeff garlin. Depression is a tangle of multiple symptoms. Thats why theres trintellix, a Prescription Medication for depression. Trintellix may help you take a step forward in improving your depression. Tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. Do not take with maois. Tell your healthcare professional about your medications, including migraine, psychiatric and depression medications, to avoid a potentially lifethreatening condition. Increased risk of bleeding or bruising may occur, especially if taken with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin or blood thinners. 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The first water Gel Foundation with hyaluronic acid it plumps, quenches. Delivers a natural, flawless look. This is what makeups been missing. Neutrogena® ,,,, cheers and applause how long has the show been going on. Im talking to friends. If stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my next guest from curb your enthusiasm, and the goldbergs. I know him from my time hanging out in chicago. Please welcome the great jeff garlin. cheers and applause i like this. Thank you very much. Thank you stephen oh, my gosh. Thank you ed sullivan theater cheers and applause stephen what is happening . Are you a paparazzo . No, heres what it is. First off, this is not my camera. Andrew, your edsor, was nice enough to lend me the camera. Stephen thats an expensive lika camera. And mine was stolen at the premiere of the movie handsome in l. A. Hundreds of pictures and an s. D. Card, stolen. I was so depressed. During my preinterview someone told me they would lend when i used to go on stewarts show and stuff, i have pictures of every talk show host from this position, which nobody else has. I also want to get a shot of you before you get fired. Stephen okay. cheers and applause do you know how to use that . I do. Its all manual. I know how to use it, yes. Stephen are you lying . No stephen youre good. I actually have learned it, learned how to do it. Stephen okay, all right. Its pretty great. So if anyone is watching and you have my camera, i dont know how youll get it to me, but try. Stephen we know each other back from the old second city days. We most certainly do. Stephen we were the backbone of that organization. We worked in the box office. Stephen we worked in the box office. We sold the tickets. We worked in the box Office Stephen we answered the phones. I told people that and they said no. Stephen i think i replaced you when you went on to better things. I heard stories about you. There are always stories about me. Stephen the story about you is we had phones with all these lights second city sold out every night of the year. Thats the secret of that place joirk like three months ahead of time. Stephen 12 calls waiting in the cue with all the lights and you would pick up the phone and hit the gone buttons and say, look, the lightses disappeared. Ping, ping, ping look, theyre all back again. Upper the worst. You know what i used to do . If someone was mean to me, id tell them they were sitting in the puppet section, and keep looking up because marionette puppets would drop during the show. And i put p. S. , for puppet section. Stephen on their ticket . No in the book. Remember the list they, used to do it by the list back then. And put like, you know g t. Was the good seats. And p. S. Was puppet section. I knew ahead of time which it was. And id show up and id stand at the side and just watch them do this during the show. laughter and it made me so happy. laughter be jerky to people. Youll pay. Stephen you you did like, did you improv, like scenic improv and standup. Was there one you liked . I never did standup. Do you like one more than the other . I loved doing improv on curb your enthusiasm. But i also, my standup applause yes thats right applause oh, yes stephen yes. Drag it out of them. Drag it out of them. Stephen drag it out of them like an old tooth. Well be back in the fall. Stephen i know, five years away. And you were on curb your enthusiasm. You were great. Stephen thank you very much. Putting the curse on larry. That was awesome. Stephen it was a lot of fun. But i love doing standup more than anything, and my stup is completely improvised. I just go up and Start Talking and im all good. I am it works stephen i believe you. I know that youre all good. By the way, i always loved improvising with you, when i would come out to northwest and wed hang out together. Stephen sure, sure, sure. Amy sedaris and paul do nelo. Those were some of the greatest days of my life. Stephen you had a tendency to walk out on stage and put a stick of dynamite and blow it up. No. Stephen the audience loved you and we would be working on a scene, and youd come out, would you like to stroke my beard, admiral pudi pants . And it would get a huge response. Scene over over hold on stephen hold on. I was not admiral or dr. Pudi pants. No, i said pudding a lot. I said a lot of nonsequiturs. I called you grandma in scenes where you werent my grandma. Stephen i was an astronaut on the moon. Maybe youre right. Okay, whatever. Stephen i love you, jeff. It doesnt mean i dont love you. By the way, i never got a bad feeling from you from it. Some of the other people there, i got some bad feelings. You, delightful. Stephen we used to kiss each other on the shoulder. Hello, like that. And kiss on the schedule. The shoulder ciz, yes. Stephen i think it started because you were so such taller with me. David pasqezserks. Stephen greatest improviser. He was also on curb your enthusiasm. I got everyone on curb your enthusiasm. Stephen thank you, i had such a good time. You were the best. Stephen you have a new movie called handsome. You wrote it. Did you direct it . I directed it. Its the first netflix mystery movie. I play gene hanson, a homicide detective. The opening scene, we find out Stephen Webber is the murderer. So im not ruining the movie. The opening scene he gets out of the pool, looks directly into the camera and says,hi, im Stephen Webber, and i play the murderer in this handsome mystery movie. You. Stephen know from the beginning who the killer is if you remember colombo you would see Dick Van Dyke commit the murder stephen hes the magician with the woman in the box but he actually kills her this time. This one i did differently. But its a mystery movie. Its fun. I think that if people dig your show, theyll like it. Stephen no doubt. Everyone watchin watching this d watch your movie. By the way stephen theyre similarly. No, but its a similar sensible. Stephen by the way, im Stephen Colbert, and im the murderer. By the way, dont think i didnt think of that. Dont think that you wont get a call. Stephen maybe ill be available soon. laughter jeff garlin, lovely to see you. Thank you. Stephen handsome is available friday on netflix. Jeff garlin, everybody. Well be right back wh veep paul scheer. Nobody does underwater stunts, sylvia. Except me, of course. This is my stop. Adios if youre a stun you cheat death. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Numero uno we, the entertainmentloving people, want all our rooms to be tv rooms. Because those are the best rooms. Because they have tvs in them. And, when were not in those rooms, we want our shows to go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Get a directv allincluded package for 4 rooms. Only 25 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. Available for at t unlimited plus customers. applause discover card. Customer service maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why got a minute . New aveeno®. R you. Positively radiant® 60 second in shower facial. Works with steam to reveal. Glowing skin in just one minute. 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Its like working for a comedy aaron sorkin, in that everything is so tightly script and the words so beautifully written and the insults are so harsh. I love it. Stephen you live in los angeles now. Yes. Stephen with your wife, june dianne rayfield. I got the last name right, rayfield . She was also in this season on veep. She played the painter. Stephen Work Together and share a cab. You have two young sons. At home is it comedy or just poop and sesame street. We ar we are the most competie to make these kids laugh. I am doing a fullon carrot top show. I understand how hard it is to do that. Stephen how old are we talking . Three years old and nine months. Stephen thats a tough audience. Nine months is a tough audience. They dont have object permanence. Exactly. laughter i would say the most depressing moment, though, i came home one night and i caught my wife stealing one of my bits, like, one of my classic bits, which is the rubber ducky who farts. And it works great. The threeyearold loves it. And i caught her doing the rubber ducky of farts. And she looked like she was caught cheating. And i was like, you stole a bit . How could you steal a bit . It pit a rift in our relationship. Stephen how does the ninemonthold respond to the rubber duck fart thing . Hes not there yet. Its a little above him. Hes still in the regular fart, no rubber duck is need gld thats tough. You have a podcast called, how did this get maid mead . What are you talking about making . Two people have heard it. Thats two, two more than my podcast. And theyre the best listeners we have, two two, thank you. Stephen what is it that is being mad . A movie podcast, a bad movie podcast, where we talk about bad movies that are so bad tatheyre good. Stephen with people who made them . No. Just with us. Its kind of like the conversation that you might have, like, at a diner after youve seen a bad movie like, you can believe they did that . Why would that character go over there . Stephen i hesitate to ask, i hesitate to ask i thought this might come up. Stephen but have you i havent been in many movies. You have ever done one of the movies that i have been in . We we might have talked a little bit about the movie love guru. laughter which, i will say, you are fantastic in. Stephen thank you. One of the shining moments of the entire movie. You and jim gaffigan, the dynamic duo. And it was fantastic. No, we did talk a little bit about love guru. Stephen i cant explain how it got made, but i can tell you how i got in it. How did you get in it. Stephen the Writers Strike was on. And they said, do you want to be in this movie . And i said, i actually have free time. And they said, theres no script. The Writers Strike is on and we cant write anything for the new scene. And gaffigan and i improvised. You two are hilarious in that movie. Im not making fun of anyone who is in a bad movie. I have been d. N. A. Y plenty of bad movies, unabarbedly so. I was in a movie with eddie murphy called meet dave, where eddie murphy played a spaceship and i worked in his butt stephen youre the little man in his butt. And i was lieutenant buttocks. And my line was, sir, we had a gas leak. It was silent, but not good deadly. Classic, classic line. Stephen your threeyearold your threeyearold would love that. Zooming right to him. So i do the line and i see the director like, huh . And im like, thats not a good sign. And he was like, more military. Sir, we have a gas leak, silent, but not deadly. Quicker. Sir, we have a gas leak, silent but deadly. Its not a good sign when the director leaves the set. I didnt know what was happening. And somebody came over to me and was like, hey, man, this is the hardest part of the job but were letting you go. I was like, firing me and he was like, yeah, the director saw your head shot and thought you were a fat guy. Which is kind of like an insult and a compliment at the same time. I was like, okay. And hes like stephen from the neck up, you really should work out. You got one of them fat faces, kid and he was like, but we have a new role for you. Get ready for this. Youll now be lieutenant kneecap. And i was like, all right. They wrote this part on the day, and guess the whole premise is Eddie Murphys planet needs salt, and im now on the ship later on, and they put a giant hot dog like a giant like the hot dog was this big on my lap. As tall as me. And i attack a booipt out of the hot dog. And i go, sure beats protein squares. It was cut from the movie. Stephen so you did not appear. Did not appear. My shoulder appears. Stephen really nice. Look, it wasnt farkt either. It was a skinny shoulder. Stephen now in veep you play a producer for cbs this morning. Yes. Stephen the cbs morning news show. Did you do a ridealong with charlie rose. I was his pants wrangler for years. I held his pants up. Tow i kind of based the producers, kind of like the producers you have on any live show. Stephen those guys there. Right over here. No matter what is going on, they dont care. Lets keep it movie. Someone got stabbed . Great. Great stabbing, can we get them an ambulance. And the next guest is bobby flay. Get bobby flay. Were back that kind of energy. No matter what was happening it was always in motion. I feel like producers are also in motion. Whats going on. Tapping field, like a football coach on the field, great job, cameraman, you got that . Great, good. A lot of energy around. Because my character on the show is not only the floor director, a segment producer, but also runs the show. So i really have a lot of weight there. Stephen yeah. My producers going, okay, thats great. Can we get him off. We have to keep going. Commercial coming up. Thanks. So nice to meet you. Thank you for being here. Veep, veep airs sundays on hbo. Paul scheer, everybody. ,, come on. You can do it dogs just wont quit. Neither does frontline. Thats why theres frontline gold. With its easy applicator frontline gold delivers powerful protection that doesnt quit for a full 30 days. Its triple action formula is relentless at killing fleas and ticks. Frontline gold. The latest innovation from the maker of frontline plus. For persistent protection you can trust. Good boy go for the gold. Frontline gold. Available at your vet. Stiewn in tomorrow, my guests will be charles barkley, debra winger, and sarah tollemashe. Now stick around for james corden. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the