Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Jennifer GarnerDemetri Martin and Paula Poundstone. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey hey stephen yes hey, everybody thank you so much. Oh, listen to that. Listen to that. Weve been keeping this audience weve been keeping this audience in the crisper. They are absolutely fresh. You cant mistake a friday audience. Jon you cant mistake a friday audience. cheers and applause . Stephen thats explosive. Welcome to the late show, ladies and gentlemen. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy friday this is a big friday because donald trump has left on his first overseas trip as president. And i hear theres a whans that when he returns, hell still be president. laughter and with trump gone, you know what that means we have the whole country to ourselves for the weekend. cheers and applause party at the White House Party at the white house you know, you know pence is throwing a rager this weekend. laughter lets see. First place trump is going is ies going to saudi arabia firt where he wants to unite the muslim world with a speech on radical islam. laughter the idea is to unite our islamic friends against our islamic enemies. I love muslims. Okay. Thats why i call you radical. and im hearing great things about this muhammed guy. I really am. I cant wait to meet him. Im having dinner with him and frederick dougulous las. I hear theyre both great. And im sure the speech will strike just the right tone because its being drafted by stephen miller, who played a key role in creating the administrations travel ban on citizens from muslim countries. booing and, ive just been told the speech has been blocked by a federal judge. Oh, well. Oh, well. So close so close after the president s done uniting the muslim world with one speech, its off to israel to smooth over that little kerfuffle with the palestinians. Should be a breeze. Hes got this one in the bag. We all remember how confident mideast conflict. Lets see if we can find the solution. Its, uh, something that i think is, frankly, uh, maybe not as difficult as people have thought over the years. Stephen obviously, not as difficult. Have you tried unplugging the west bank and plugging it back in . Just jiggle it. Just jiggle the gaza strip. One of these. But the israeli visit might get a little tense at times, too, since it came out this week that israel is the source of the secret intelligence trump gave to the russians. But im sure itll be fine. Its not like people over there hold grudges for thousands of years. laughter lets see, after israel oh, this is fun hes off to meet the pope. And i think trump will like the vatican. It has almost as much Gold Furniture as his apartment. laughter and no question, the stakes of this trip are high. According to one official involved in the planning, this has to go well. Theres not a lot of room to fail. Hey, trump has proven he doesnt need much room to fail, just 140 characters. Seems to do it. applause to make sure trump reads his daily briefings for this trip, sources say that for this trip, National SecurityCouncil Officials have strategically included trumps name in as many paragraphs as we can because he keeps reading if hes mentioned. laughter that is a true story. Apparently, the only thing that can overcome trumps short Attention Span is his crippling narcissism. But, of course, if they want him to understand that, theyll have to call it his crippling trumpicism. But before he left, the president held a joint press conference with president Juan Manuel Santos of colombia or as trump calls it, mexicos hotter sister. laughter thats what he says, not me. Thats what he says. I think theyre both very hot. laughter and in the light of the appointment of a special counsel to investigate collusion with russia, he had this to say there is no collusion between certainly myself and my campaign. Stephen okay. laughter any collusion between your mouth and your brain . laughter cheers and applause jon wow stephen wasnt the question, sir. Wasnt the question. But trump did face this direct question about the firing of james comey. Did you at any time urge former f. B. I. Director james comey in any way, shape, or form to close or to back down the investigation into Michael Flynn . And, also, as you look back no, no. Next question. laughter stephen sir, you know you cant do that on the witness stand, right . Mr. Trump, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing butthe truth . No, no. Next question. Stephen meanwhile Congressional Republicans are still trying to keep their campaign promise, for instance, cutting spending. Take this bold idea from North Carolina congressman and conservative letting it all hang out, mark walker. Walker recently tweeted this photo of a ramp for baby ducks at the u. S. Capitol reflecting pool with the caption if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be government waste. First of all, it doesnt look like a duck. It looks like a ramp. laughter and the reason baby ducks need the ramp is that ducklings get into the water, and then cant get out. They will drown from exhaustion or die of starvation unless they have a way to get out of the water. Which explains congressman walkers Upcoming Campaign slogan walker 2018 die, baby ducks applause bold. Its bold. In response thats a nono. Thats all right. Thats a lot of baby duck haters tonight. In response to walkers tweet, the u. S. Capitol released this video of the wasteful spending in action. Look at you youre we have thing our money now, walker does have a point. Ducks have been leeching off the system forever. Theyre constantly having eggs out of wedlock, living on handouts from old men in parks, and im not comfortable with how much time they spend in the bathtub with our children. Stick around, weve got a great show. Jennifer garner is here. But when we come back, well have a visit from our old friend tuck buckford. applause yeah, at first i thought it was just the stress of moving. [ sighs ] hey, i was using that. What, you think we own stock in the Electric Company . I will turn this car around right now theres nobody back there. I was becoming my father. [ clears throat ] its. Been an adjustment, but were making it work. You know, progressive. Com makes it easy for us to get the right home insurance. [ snoring ] progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. [ chuckles ] all right. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . We, the entertainmentloving people, want all our rooms to be tv rooms. Because those are the best rooms. Because they have tvs in them. And, when were not in those rooms, we want our shows to go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Get a directv allincluded package for 4 rooms. Only 25 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. Available for at t unlimited plus customers. 60 of women are wearing the w. Experience leaks. Introducing always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. Codogs just wont quit. neither does frontline. Thats why theres frontline gold. With its easy applicator frontline gold delivers powerful protection that doesnt quit for a full 30 days. Its triple action formula is relentless at killing fleas and ticks. Frontline gold. The latest innovation from the maker of frontline plus. For persistent protection you can trust. Good boy go for the gold. Frontline gold. Available at your vet. band playing cheers and applause jon batiste and stay human. And the manhattan sound machine. Jon yeah stephen welcome back, everybody. Thats the best band on television right there, bar none. cheers and applause jon yeah. Stephen jon, im super excited about our friend Jennifer Garner coming out here in just a minute. Jon oh, yes, indeed. Thats going to be fun. Stephen did i ever tell, lovely, talented, fantastic of course just the nicest person. You know how i know this . She was when my wife and i were young and had our first baby, our daughter, she was our babysitter. Jon wow. Stephen yeah. Jon really . Stephen well get into oltime talk so of so stick around for that. Yeah, there are some stories. You know, folks, i like to give you good news when i can. And im sad to say theres some bad news for radio host and shrieking funnel cake, alex jones. laughter for those of you who are unfamiliar with joness. Work, this is it im gonna tell me what ill nasty i get. Man, i just wish that, uh growling yeah sick of people pushing their guilt on me when i hadnt done nothing to you, you filth, projecting onto me all your sick fantasies of control, you garbage were gonna organize, humanitys gonna come together. Ahhhhhhhhhh were coming for you, globalists were coming for ya coming for ya they want to shatter your mind, talking about Justin Bieber its pure evil laughter stephen spoken like a man who has been freebasing pure bieber. Anyway, hes a terrible person who lies for a living. And for the first time this week, jones had to answer for one of his mad ramblings because he just settled a defamation lawsuit filed against him by greek yogurt manufacturer chobani. Which explains their new flavor cash on the bottom. laughter chobani sued his ass, and his company, infowars, for spreading the false story that they imported migrant rapists and spread tuberculosis. Thats ridiculous. Thats yoplaits game. One of the terms of jones settlement is that he was forced to apologize to chobani. So he put on his sunday best and used his most humble growl to say this during the week of april 10, 2017, certain statements were made on the infowars twitter feed and Youtube Channel regarding chobani l. L. C. That i now understand to be wrong. The tweets and video have now been retracted and will not be reposted. On behalf of infowars, i regret that we mischaracterized chobani, its employees, and the people of twin falls, idaho, the way we did. Stephen that was one of the most sincere apologies ever to have been read off the back of a napkin. But i understand what alex is going through because, recently, under threat of lawsuit, my rightwing satirical character, tuck buckford, also had to apologize for some slanderous claims he made. And i believe we have the courtordered video. That, brain fighters is how the lesbian conspiracy has maintained its vice grip on our nation. Its how they reproduce, okay. Its their demon seed. Now, a sincere, forced apology. laughter during the period of my entire career, certain statements were made on the brain fight twitter feed youtube page, company skywriter, and also from my enormous man mouth with its man words. And im now legally required to understand those words to be wrong. So i will now off the issue of the following corrections. I regret that i mischaracterized virgin airlines. I do know now that they do not use their planes to spray clouds of viagra on to our nations playgrounds to incite an antigovernment revolution of unstoppable middle school sex warriors. My bad. In addition, i have learned that fruit by the foot is not made out of reptilian skin shed by george soros. But i stand by the idea that george soros skin would be a delicious and nutritious treat. laughter actor Jeff Goldblum is not a robot controlled by islamic fieldmice. I have no idea what the religion of those fieldmice is. My apologies. laughter i also see now, for the first time, that wise is not coding the inside of its potato chip bags with an emasculating chemical polymer in an attempt to reduce our genitals into hairless mounds easily controlled by psychic, huma abedin. Nice true, huma. The Chicago Bulls do not spend their free time slamdunking newborn babies into vaccination machines. The fact that the sky is blue and that clouds are white is not an attempt by the israely mossad to take over heaven and convert jesus back to judaism. Stay strong, j. C laughter the movie marley and me is not filled with satanic imagery meant to make white couples of reproductive age think that theyre golden retrievers so they will have themselves spade and neutered. And i am especially sorry to the good people at breakstone cottage cheese, okay. I said that they were colluding with the u. S. Geological survey to conceal listening devices at the bottom of each and every delicious tub, okay. But as i have learned, as you can see, there is nothing in here. Theres no listening device. Just sweet mmm creamy kurds, okay. Also, in case of permanent windburn. It makes the most amazing, most soothing shaving cream you can imagine. Look at that. Like shaving a baby. If youre going to shave your baby which i highly recommend rm do not use anything by the jerkins corporation, jerkins has a listening device right in the pump handle and the only way to destroy the listening device is with your stomach enzymes. Wooooo i can see forever laughter brain fight, brought to you by casper not the internet mattress company. Im talking about the adolescent ghost you can summon to protect your daughter from immigrant boyfriends. cheers and applause stephen thank you, tuck. Well be right back with Jennifer Garner. Hes a good man. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® i am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. So i trade with e trade, where true traders trade on a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. cannon sound mobility is very important to me. Thats why i use e trade mobile. Its on all my mobile devices, so it suits my mobile lifestyle and it keeps my investments fully mobile. Even when im on the move. Sign up at etrade. Com and get up to six hundred dollars. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. cheers and applause welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Im awfully excited. My first guest is the golden globe winning actor you know from alias and i know as an extremely reliable babysitter. She now stars in the film, wakefield. Please welcome Jennifer Garner cheers and applause stephen its so nice to have you here. Thank you. Stephen i have wanted to sit across a desk from you for so long. I know. It really has been a long time. Stephen well, lets quickly tell the people here how we know each other. Yes im sure they remember. Stephen sure, you must remember im sure you guys must remember we were both guest stars in an episode of spin city. You all saw it, right . Stephen 1996, Something Like that. 1996. Stephen 1996, back when spin city was rocking. It was. It was a big deal. I was a cat lady stephen you were the girlfriend of one of the cast members. And who were you . You wore a suit glifs like the governors assistant or Something Like that. And i had maybe 10 lines in the episode and you had stephen two. Two right here, right here, baby. Stephen you were the big star. Right. Stephen so at the wrap party when the whole thing is over, for that weeks episode, you said, well, im out of a job. And i said,im out of a job, too. And i said, and i have a baby. And you said. I baby sit. Stephen so you started babysitting. See how it went. Stephen for me and this is this is how you survive as an actress. By the way, did evy ever Learn Italian . I stephen oh, yes, she dshe did. She took italian classes. I bab sat on italian classes night. Stephen all she remembers i think is mi marito. I traded off with my roommate depending on who was working in the restaurant karina who is still bestie. Godmother to my kids. Stephen hi. Hi. Stephen and then one day you came and you said, i got a new agent yes. Stephen he wants me to go to l. A. And i did. Stephen and we said bye. Stephen that poor thing. Because you were so nice you are so nice. Youre not formerly nice. Youre present nice. By the way you were so nice stephen we thought los angeles will devour her. You were, like, straight from west virginia. It did, yes tdevoured me. But im okay. Im all right. But i just remember your gorgeous little girl. She was such a peanut. She was really smart. She was very stephen he still is. She was very verbal and very stephen she still is. She was. And she was precocious and adorable. And i remember the two of us, like, going into your drawers, and trying on your clothes. laughter stephen you dont have any photos of that or anything, do you . No . So you go out to l. A. , and were like, okay, thats it, well never hear from Jennifer Garner again. Shes very talented and everything but too nice for los angeles. I that you want the same thing. Stephen a few years passed by, and you had done some work. I come out of the lincoln tunnel, and there eight stories on the side of a building on 42nd street is you in the alias in a red wig, in the gray cat suit, like, doing this thing. Looking you know, super sexy. And i pretty much drove up on the sidewalk. And when i got to bodega to get my coff they morning for work, it was, like, the tv guide had the same picture. Isnt that the coolest . I mean, imagine, that moment when things shift for you like that, when you go from, you know, baby sitting and struggling to all of a sudden being that was really fun. Stephen and everybody must have known that that was going to be a huge breakout role for you because you were everywhere. Well, it was j. J. Abrams. He kind of knows what hes doing. Stephen so i buy the tv guide and i take it home and i cover your name on it. You have the red wing and the cat suit. Come on. Stephen and i showed it to evy i never told you this story . No. Stephen and i showed it to evy my wife and i said, guess who that is . She said, i dont know, someone on the daily show. And i took my finger off and she said, oh, thats jen. And i said, yes. And she said, she wasnt hot. laughter applause and i said, yes, she was. laughter and she said, you never said anything. And i said, what am i supposed to say . have you noticed how hot the babysitter isnt . That doesnt go over well. Stephen doesnt go over well. Does not go over well. Wise, wise. Stephen you are known to be, like, one of the most trusted and most likable people in hollywood. Whats im not sure whats happening right now. I dont want anything to pop out. Stephen people sort of trust the endorsements that you do. Thats nice. Stephen could i ask you a favor as an old friend . Absolutely. Stephen would you mind looking at the camera and endorsing this show for the people out there and just saying, im Jennifer Garner, and i think you might enjoy the show and whats in your wallet in . Sure. Stephen whatever you want to say. Okay, Stephen Colbert is someone that you can have faith in, to bring you evening entertainment that you will laugh at, learn from, and enjoy. Welcome to the Stephen Colbert show. Except now its called. The late show with Stephen Colbert. laughter applause stephen super bowl ratings youre the best. I charge for that, by the way. Stephen you have the new film called wakefield. Yes. Stephen are you play if i get this right dana wakefield. Yes. Stephen and your husband, Howard Wakefield is played by Bryan Cranston stephen Bryan Cranston, all right. And what is it about . Its a little bit of an odd story. Its a fascinating story. Its all about Bryan Cranstons performance, which if you say you dont need to hear anything more than that, right, hes so amazing. But basically, hes a guy who works in the city, lives in connecticut, hes on the train home one night and she just thinks, i cant bear to walk into my house again. I cant go back into the routine with my wife and my two daughters. I cant listen to them talk about the same mundane things. So he ends up going into the attic of our house, which is above our garage, and from the window in our attic, he can look into the kitchen window of the house, and he starts watching, and he lives up there fair year. Stephen and you dont know hes up there. We dont know hes there. So hes hiding, hes living like a vagrant, coming down at night youll you know, kind of scrounging around the neighborhood in the garbage. And he but he lives watching his family. And you only see us through from his point of view. So you hardly hear us talk. Stephen but next scene is the scene between you and bryan. Yes, besides here, besides right now, where you will see us before its kind a flash back to what our relationship was like right before he decide to be an attic liver. Stephen okay. laughter jim. Im so sick of this, this constant surveillance. You whoa, whoa, whoa. You have muzzled me to the point where i cant carry on a conversation with other parents. I barely relate to people anymore. You were relating to him, werent you . What do you not see . I mean, do you think id be even remotely inclined to start up with anyone given the relationship we have. All i want is to get through the day. Thats what i think about, just. Get through the day. cheers and applause stephen very tense. Thats an intense scene. It was an intense scene. Stephen did you guys do anything to did you do any acting exercises . This was a tiny movie on a teeny tiny budget. And usually where you are if youre doing something as intimate as this movie, because you really had to believe this marriage in order for it to play even though were not together you know, you have to really believe theres a connection between these people,ing and we did dhave a love scene. So you had to kind of there was an intimacy thing there. And so the director, robin swicord, said i learned about this model that we can use to kind of make intimacy happen quickly. Not what youre thinking. laughter but it is very interesting and unique, and i think i should tell you about it. So we got together at this house, and bryan and i had to stand and stare into each others eyes fair long time, like an uncomfortably long time. And she was talking to us about, imagine this person as a baby. Imagine this personaise sixyearold. So were staring at each other and were trying not to giggle. Then we had to sit on the floor back to back and rub backs on each other. Its so uncomfortable. Then were touching hands. And then she had him remove my socks and look at my feet and then we had to stand next to each other and sniff each other. Youre looking at me like its as strange as stephen no, no, thats what i thought it would be. laughter stephen well, it was lovely to see you again. It was so nice to see you. Stephen if i can ever return the favor, if you need any babysitting. I do stephen you do . I have 17 children. Thats what i feel like. Stephen are they in the city with you . No. Stephen all right, then lets go party. I would love it. Stephen evy says hi. Wakefield is in theaters today. Jennifer garner, everybody. Well be right back with comedian Demetri Martin. This is hashtag amazing. Say selfie all girls selfie you must be hashtag devastated. Thanks captain obvious. Selfies arent always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Save up to 50 during the hotels. Com memorial day sale. When i feel controlled by frequent, unpredictable abdominal pain or discomfort and diarrhea. I tried Lifestyle Changes and overthecounter treatments, but my symptoms keep coming back. It turns out i have Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea, or ibsd. A condition thats really frustrating. Thats why i talked to my doctor about viberzi. A different way to treat ibsd. Viberzi is a Prescription Medication you take every day that helps proactively manage both abdominal pain and diarrhea at the same time. So i can stay ahead of my symptoms. 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We need to talk about this. I grew up there. I dont want to sell our house. Dean, it music playing oh, my god thats my phone. Sorry. Here we go. Im im i cant talk now. Im with my son. You see, im busy. It cant see you. Its more of a voice thing. Stephen please welcome Demetri Martin. applause stephen hey. How are you . Stephen good, nice to see you again. Thanks for having me. Stephen its been a white whooil burnght people may not know this that you and i were both correspondents on the daily show. Of. Yes, one of us was more successful at it, but we were both. Stephen just longer. When did you first start there . I started there as an intern. I think it was, like, 97. Stephen thats when i yeah stephen so that was back in the Craig Kilburn days. I think a couple of months before you started. Im not pulling rank or anything but i have seniority stephen you understand. You come before me in the library of congress catalog. Im sorry, i couldnt make it to the reunion. Stephen sorry, yeah, no problem. Thank you very much. I heard you dropped out of law school to be a performer. Yes. Stephen why did you do that . I was feeling like my family was getting kind of proud of me and, like, a little close to being proud of me. And i was like. Stephen law school, that would have made them proud . Yeah, so i thought, comedian, that should fix things. laughter . Stephen did they worry . Did they worry, like, what are you doing with your life . Yeah, yeah. People were really disappointed. laughter its kind of freedom, though. I think disapproval is kind of freedom in a way. Once you disappoint people, you can kind of do anything you want to be a dancer, a poet. You know what i mean . Stephen sure, because everything is a step up. I think so stephen from comedian, everything is a step up. Thats true, thats true. Stephen youre famous for short jokes. Yes. Stephen simple, shot jokes. Thats a kind word famous. I tell short jokes. Stephen youre renowned for it. Im taig that. Stephen do you have a favorite shortest joke. Henny youngman famously did, take my wife,lease. Thats four words. Thats pretty good. Right . Okay, good. I dont have i tried to write a fourword joke, and it doesnt it doesnt really work so i probably shouldnt say it on tv but this is the best i have of a fourword joke cannibals make me dinner. Stephen thats pre good. Thats pretty good. Thank you. applause thats what i need. Yeah, thanks. Im not saying thats a great joke, but stephen youre also known for your drawings. Yes. Stephen are these in a particular order. Yeah, these are steskly i worked this out. This will minimize awkward silence. Stephen i like awkward silence, though. Yeah, thats where i live, so thats okay. laughter this is what i like about drawings is you can do jokes with just with no words sometimes or just, like, a shape or something. This was my first kind of comedy drawing i did years ago. And this is i call this cinnamon roll or dog bleep . If you look at that, its kind of a p. O. V. Thing. Stephen its up to you. Kind of a glass half empty. Ill take that. So the letter m. When i started drawing, i started to notice, you know, you see things that maybe you didnt see before. The letter m, i never had trouble with the letter m. Its fine. But dithink about it, and i felt like there was an emotional feeling i got from an m, kind of uneasy. And didnt know why. But then i realized what it was, and the m kind of has an aggression to it. It looks like you know what i mean, kind of a guys crotch. Spread eag glel or welcoming. The w is even worse, i say. Because its kind of a face plant, bony ass kind of thing. You can also explore information with drawings, data. This is a bar graph. So this would be how interesting you find your children. And this is how interesting i i find your children. applause you can see its kind of as it should be. It shouldnt be the opposite, if you think about it. Stephen thats true, thats true. This is a little more elaborate. This is praying. This is how much people pray based on the location theyre in. In Church People play a pretty good amount. In a locker room before a championship game. In court. Kneeling before the toilet is off the charts. Thats where people pray the most. And in a jacuzzi, very little. People dont look for god. This is things that pray. This is people and mantises. So its ceend of a tie. laughter this is kind of cool. This is a drawing of skull and crossbones when he was still alive. So this is before laughter kind of like a applause all right, cool. Stephen happier days. Were grown men and were doing this. Okay, here we go. So this is i thought this would be a good sign for a strip club during the day time. Sorry, were clothed. laughter . Stephen thats a threeword joke right there. So finally, this is kind of some more information here. So pets, its interesting to me, if you have one pet, thats okay. You have a pet, great. Youre living with an animal great. You have four, i think youre kind of desperate once you get to four pets. 32, youre crazy. I think with 32 animals thats a crazy person. Whats interesting is teeth are the direct opposite. 32 okay. 1 crazy. cheers and applause stephen there it is. Thanks, stephen. Stephen dean opens june 2. Demetri martin, everybody. Well be right back with Paula Poundstone. [hissing] uh i [sound of wrench] [intricate guitar riff] [engine starts] [guitar continues] music volume rises ] you guys wanna go . [whistles] get all summer essentials 30, 40, and 50 percent off. Hi, fashion. Old navy are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. , internet speeds 20x faster. At t fiber sounds amazing. Wait a sec, im not done yet. Less than 12 of at t homes actually qualify. Huh. Hold on. Everyone else gets our other, slower internet speeds. But no one reads this stuff anyway. Except for the old guy with the binoculars. Huh. We got ourselves a reader. Dont be fooled by at t. Xfinity delivers the fastest speeds to the most homes. band playing applause hey, everybody, welcome back. My next guest is a fantastic standup comedian and regular panelist on wait wait. Dont tell me. Please welcome, Paula Poundstone applause come on up. Hey cheers and applause . Stephen well, as i said thank you. Stephen ive been a fan ive been a fan forever. Well, thank you so much. Thats nice to hear. Stephen i dont know how many times i saw you on dave over the years. Well, i dont know, either. Stephen youve also been on wait wait. Dont tell me, the great. cheers and applause . Thank you. Stephen public radio show which i listen to every week, never miss it. Youve been over 200 times, i think. You know, i dont know how many times ive been on the show. Stephen you dont . No, i dont. Stephen we have a Research Department and it says 201 times. Thats over 200. What i do know, theres a lovely man named lynn fom, who keeps the stats. Hes just a guy. Hes not hired by the show. He just hes a guy on twitter, and he keeps the stats. And i believe im correct in saying they hold the record for losses on wait wait. Dont tell me. Stephen okay. Youre the leastinformed panelist on wait wait. Dont tell me. Heres the thing. It would be a great job if the others didnt cheat, but they do cheat. Rox 18 roberts usually wins but her answers are afghanistan other afghanistan, and lemurs down his pants. Stephen how do you prep . To be just uninformed enough to lose, how do you prep . Its not easy. I have to remove the knowledge that i go in with. laughter and i do that by reading im actually embarrassed to say what i read eye read the New York Post which normally stephen that will take it right out of your brain. Im telling you, as soon as i can get it into the recycle, i do. The reason i use it is because i can carry it on the airplane and it opens out like this. And i can control it. Like, ive recently started reading the new york times, and its just too big for me i open it on the airplane and its like an i love lucy thing. It goes into the aisles. It blocks its pilot comes on and says, put that newspaper away. It just stephen you get, like, an ipad. You can read it on your phone now or like an ipad dont believe in it. cheers and applause its not good for you stephen well, okay. Lets talk about a good project you have here. Its called the totally unscientific study of the search for Human Happiness. Can i ask you a question . Just before you did that, there was, like, a piano chord. Was that some sort of riewsky signal youre giving yourself there . What is that . Stephen jon, why did you play that piano chord . Jon i felt like it. cheers and applause jon, you come from jazz, dont you . Jon yes. Yeah. Thats thing with the jazz musician. Theyll just feel it and do it. Doesnt matter when. Stephen thats true. Theyll just pick up a thing and blow into it. laughter werent you blowing into, like, a keyboard thing before . Jon yeah, yeah, its leak a harmonica keyboard thing. Oh, youre supposed to blow i just pictured your mom going, put that down thats a keyboard laughter . Stephen hes allowed to. You probably hyperventilated blowing in it to the piano when you were a kid. Stop blowing jon it dont have a hole they can get to, to blow into it. Otherwise, id do that, too. You were a little boy. You could have drilled one. Thats what kids do. Mom i drilled a hole in the piano so i could blow it sorry. Stephen getting back to the book. laughter applause anything ultimate to say i do, i do. Stephen what is your unscientific search for happiness and why do you need to do one . Well, because for science, for mankind. Every chapter in my book is a different experiment doing something that i or other people thought would make me happy. And each chapter is written as a science experiment. Theres the hypothesis and the conditionconditions and variable on and on. But the question for me hopefully the funniest field notes ever rin because its number one job is to be funny. But the question for me wasnt weather doing something would be enjoyable, but rather what could i do that would give me a lasting umbrella, if you will, for the inevitable rains of ones regular life. So the Analysis Section of every chapter is the story of me and my regular life raising my kids in a house full of animals and being a standup comic for a living which i just found out is one of the low points of show biz. Stephen comedy is just not respected. It came to me in the dressing room. I was all excited about my job, and then i found out, bottom of the barrel laughter somewhere underneath the yogurt. laughter applause stephen weve got to go, unfortunately. We have to do the thing. We have to go usually when youre going to go didnt doesnt he play . Doesnt he blow into a banjo or something when its time to go nchtd he only plays when he feels like it. Thats the weirdest you never know when hes going to do a chord. Stephen no, and i love it. It always fits in my opinion. Jon thats why i get paid. Thats why he gets paid. He gets paid by the notes so he just keeps slipping in notes. Stephen the totally unscientific study of the search for Human Happiness is available now. For Human Happiness is available now. Paula poundstone, everybody. ,, its not a weekend hobby. Ance . You have to live and breathe it for 50 years. Its the sound. And the fury. Its letting it all hang out there, and its hanging on for dear life. That is what amg driving performance means. And this is where it lives. The 503horsepower mercedesamg c63 s coupe. Late show. Join me next week when ill be joined by kevin spacey, rachel maddow, and paul simon. Now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from an invisible Radio Station in enumclaw, washington, give it up for your host, the one, the o