Sorry. Stephen so do i, yeah. laughter whats that button do . I dont know, man. I just do cokes and sandwiches. I heard it either starts stephens show or blows up the sun. But, i mean, only an idiot would press that, right . explosion its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jon stewart, john oliver, samantha bee, ed helms and rob corddry. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen woo hey whats going on . cheers and applause how are you . Whats going on, man . Jon whats going on . Stephen how was your weekend . Jon great. audience chanting Stephen Stephen hey welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than ten minutes ago. F. B. I. Director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. cheers and applause jon wooo stephen wow, huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. That shows no gratitude at all. Jon man. Stephen i mean, did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about . I mean thanks for the presidency, jimmy. Now dont let the door hit you where the Electoral College splits you. laughter im shocked. My heart is pumping. My pulse is racing. He fired the f. B. I. Director who has said under oath that hes investigating the trump campaigns ties to russia. No rationale has been given yet as to why, but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. audience boos i think i think i might know why. I think he was fired because comey couldnt guess the name rumplestiltskin. laughter now, trump sent comey a letter in which he writes stephen does everything have to be about him . While i greatly appreciate you telling me that i am an amazing lover laughter i am leaving you for a younger woman, on the advice of the department of justice. laughter now, well have more on this tomorrow when they scramble to cover the whole thing up. But laughter but speaking of coverups, speaking of coverups, this whole trump campaignrussia tie thing will not go away, no matter how many times trump tweets that the whole thing has gone away. The latest is former National Security adviser and sam the eagle cosplayer Michael Flynn laughter see you at comiccon, sir. laughter flynn, youll remember, was fired after just 24 days because he lied about his connections to russia and he also failed to report money he received from russianlinked companies, including 45,000 for attending a gala dinner in moscow where he sat next to russian president vladimir putin. Really nice dinner, too. Jon man. Stephen yeah, it was so nice. No, no, no, it was a beautiful dinner. He got to choose between chicken, fish, or duffel bag full of untraceable cash. laughter yeah, glutenfree. Thats the glutenfree option. laughter well, yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, obama warned trump about hiring flynn. And it was just as effective as obama warning america about hiring trump. cheers and applause yeah. He seems persuasive. He seems persuasive. Just couldnt seal the deal. Okay, so if he did that, why didnt trump heed this warning . Sources say trump thought obama was joking. laughter oh, you know, that old joke why did the chicken cross the road . Hes working for the russians. And its actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume. laughter and obama wasnt the only one. In a Senate Hearing yesterday, former acting attorney general and future robin wright Award Winning performance, sally yates, said she also warned the white house about flynn. The russians also knew that general flynn had misled the Vice President and others. And that created a compromised situation, a situation wherein the National Security adviser essentially could be blackmailed by the russians. Stephen so yates told the white house that flynn was compromised, and he was fired immediately. 18 days later. laughter thats a lot of lag time. If only there was some quick catch phrase trump had for removing people from their jobs. laughter oh, i know youre not my son inlaw. applause but, out, out. I dont know. But trumps not worried about the testimony of sally yates or the testimony of former intelligence director james clapper, tweeting um, mr. President , a little tip when you put no evidence in quotes, uh, it really makes you seem innocent. laughter cheers and applause and to really drive the point home, trump photoshopped that tweet into his twitter banner. Um, if youre going to photoshop something into this picture, id recommend maybe a black person . laughter just just pretend just cheers and applause pretend its a college brochure. People are still angry about the Health Care Bill that Congress Passed last thursday. Is that when the house passed it, last thursday . People are still angry about that, and audience boos you were a little late, but thank you. And trump knows why. Ocare, of course, is an abbreviation for the words obama and cares if you die. laughter applause and House Republicans yay yay were gonna die and House Republicans are taking heat, like idaho congressman and hispanic dilbert, raul labrador. laughter youre mandating people on medicaid accept dying. You are making a mandate no one wants anybody to die. You know, that line is so indefensible. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. crowd boos stephen hes right. Hes right. They die from saying things like that to an angry mob with nothing to lose. laughter applause cheers jon cant say that. You cant say that. Stephen that is ballsy. Labrador defended his remarks, saying stephen oh, the problem isnt what he said. Its that it wasnt said elegantly. Let me try for just a second. Let me try. Uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh. laughter cheers and applause laughter this really messes with your depth perception. laughter here we go. Here we go. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. laughter elegant cheers and applause look where i lit it. Look where i lit it. There you go. laughter oh, that is some that is some good filter. laughter another defender of the bill was director of the office of management and budget and man asking god to strike him down now, Mick Mulvaney. This sunday, he told cbss John Dickerson why we shouldnt worry about the new Health Care Bill. The bill that passed out of the house is most likely not going to be the bill that is put in front of the president. So the president kept saying this is a great bill and its a good bill but its incomplete is what youre saying . No, im saying that the senate is part of the government. This is a bill that passed down to the house. You and i are about the same age, we remember School House Rock when we were kids, im just a bill, yes, im only a bill, were going to go through that process. Stephen yes, its just like School House Rock. laughter so, here to comment live from the capitol steps, please welcome bill, the republican Health Care Bill, everybody. cheers and applause bill, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me, stephen. Stephen now, bill let me just ask you something im just a bill, yes im only a bill. And im sitting here on capitol hill stephen i understand. But thats my song. I know its your song, bill. Its how youre known. But do you agree with Mick Mulvaney that you are not yet in your final form . Thats right, stephen. The house may have passed me, but now i go to the senate, and the whole thing starts all over again. Its a long journey, but i cant wait to be a law stephen bill, you should know, a lot of people dont like you. They dont . But, stephen im just a bill, yes im only a bill and im sitting here on cap stephen we know. Listen. Oh, thats right, we established that. laughter stephen now, bill, i have got to ask have you even read yourself . Well, no, i thought the congress would read me. Stephen well, they didnt, bill, and if you become law, 24 Million People could lose their health insurance. What . Thats terrible. Well, at least i cover pre existing conditions. Stephen no, you dont do that, either. My god, im a monster who created me . Stephen bill, i dont know how to tell you this, but donald trump. Is your father. laughter no thats not true thats impossible cheers and applause stephen read yourself, bill. Read yourself, bill. You know it to be true. Noooooooooooo stephen just calm down, bill, calm down. Its going to be all right. No, i have to be stopped. If no one else will do it, ill veto myself stephen no, bill no, bill, dont aaarrgghhh stephen oh, my god. Hes hes dead. No, im not. They made copies. Were all screwed stephen Health Care Bill, everybody. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Weve got jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, rob corddry, and ed helms stick around my sweethearts gone sayonara. This scarf all thats left to rememb. What. She washed this like a month ago the long lasting scent of gain. Now available in matching scents across your entire laundry routine. Its my dale call. [engine revving sounds] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. , happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. A delicious chew that protects for an entire month. Ask your vet for more information. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back to the show, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human right there. Thats the band right over there jon aaaaahhhh cheers and applause stephen oh, my god. I am there is there is an absolutely electric feeling in this building tonight. It is so incredible to see my old friends from the daily show here. Jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry. cheers and applause we were all just talking backstage. None of us have aged a day. laughter and just seeing those guys, it just really takes me back. I mean, i can still remember my last day at the the daily show like it was yesterday. I cant put it into words but i can put it into flashback. Is this. Is this working . Can we do the effect, please, jim . Is that the. Thats the ahhhh. My final day. So many memories. But there comes a time when a man has to do something completely different the same character, half an hour later, half a block away. laughter courage. Okay, just got to pack up my lucky mug. laughter got to pack up my lucky box of free printer cartridges. laughter and my lucky tangerine ibook laughter the sleekest, most stylish product apple will ever make. cheers and applause there we go. Hey, stephen. cheers and applause stephen oh, hi, samantha bee. Getting ready to head out, stephen . Stephen yeah, samantha bee. I am. I cant believe youre leaving right in the middle of the george w. Bush administration. Theres never going to be another president this good for comedy. laughter i mean, this guy does something ridiculous, like, at least once a month. laughter you know, i know theres one thing for sure there is no scenario in which i will ever say, god, i wish george w. Bush was president. laughter cheers and applause hey, um, have you seen stephen you look great by the way. You look fantastic. Have you seen my yogurt . Stephen i have not seen your yogurt. No, i have not seen it. Okay. Hey, Stephen Stephen hey, rob corddry, hey, ed helms. cheers and applause whats up you guys . I cant believe youre leaving us, stephen. I mean, its crazy. Its like beyonce leaving destinys child. But were never going to hear from her again. laughter stephen thanks for stopping by to say goodbye, guys. Actually, we came because were fighting over which one of us gets your office. Stephen i just dont know how to choose. Come on, man. Im already ready to hang up my poster of my two favorite comedians. laughter bill cosby, and subway spokesman jared fogel. Stephen i know one thing, rob they will never let you down laughter hey, has anyone seen my yogurt . Stephen nope, nope, havent seen it. Hello there, chums. cheers and applause stephen hey how about that . Stephen oh, hey, look, its thats right, its me, steve carell, the lovely correspondent from the daily show in 2005. Why are you talking in that horrible british accent . Thats a good question. Because unlike you feebleminded chucklemonkeys, im off to hollywood to become a serious actor, but it is me, steve carell. laughter and i can prove that by saying something only steve carell can say, i have so much body hair, that there is an unbroken line of fur between my eyebrows and my ankles. laughter classic steve. Thats steve, yeah. Has anyone seen my yoghurt . Stephen uh, no, no. laughter oh, there we are. cheers and applause dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me im hideous stephen jon . Jon, what are you doing in there . The show is about to start . Were doing another show today . Yes, jon, its a daily show. You have to do it every day. Why every day . You could cover everything you need to say about politics in half an hour on a sunday night people would watch that . On a sunday . I doubt it. laughter or a wednesday at 10 30, 9 30 central. Everybody, shut up shut the bleep up shut your mouths shut up got it . laughter jon yes why are you eating our yogurts . laughter because right now, were a family. And if someones in need, were always there for each other especially you, steve carell. Thanks. laughter jolly good. But i guess im realizing that families grow up. Kids go off to college, or star in a billiondollar film franchise about a hangover. laughter 1. 42 billion. cheers and applause or an Academy Awardwinning franchise about a hot tub time machine. cheers and applause that won an Academy Award . Well, its still 2005, so you cant prove that it has not laughter i guess im realizing one day youll all spread your wings and leave me. And all ill have left of you is your yogurts. Five minutes to show time, people oh, my god. You get me footage of an old lady slipping on ice. One frozen granny fanny coming up, as steve carell always says. He always says that. All right, you guys give me three puns about Donald Rumsfelds penis. Okay, schlongald nutsfeld wrinkled shaftsfeld prickretary of prickfense, dingdong rumsballs brilliant no wonder we win emmys laughter all right. Stephen what about me, jon . What do i do . Stephen, i guess just arch your eyebrow or something. Makes people think youre smart. Stephen got it cheers and applause but first, before we do anything, our traditional pre show prayer. Hands in, everybody. Okay. Goooo, liberal agenda cheers and applause stephen stick around, everybody. All these people are on the show tonight. Well find out how much of what we just said was real. You could spend the next few days weeding through w2s, pay stubs and Bank Statements to refinance your home. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the paperwork, and go completely online. Securely share your financial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] you might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter we, the device loving people want more than just unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. So we can stream unlimited action. Watch unlimited robots. Watch unlimited romance. If you are into that. But we also want more like. Unlimited hbo. Can i stop dying now mark . No can do mi amigo. Its unlimited. Besides you are really good at it james. Dont settle for any unlimited plan. Get at t unlimited plus. And, now get the amazing iphone 7 on us. P3 its meat, cheese and nuts. I keep my protein interesting. Oh yea, me too. I have cheese and uh these herbs. P3 snacks. The more interesting way to get your protein. Stephen hey cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a gentleman farmer, but you know him from his roles in the faculty, half baked, and death to smoochy. Please welcome jon stewart cheers and applause when i see your face mellow as the month of may cheers and applause oh, darling, i cant stand it when you look at me that way cheers and applause oh, baby when i see your face mellow as the month of may cheers and applause cheers im im not comfortable here. laughter i dont feel i dont feel comfortable. Stephen i am perfectly comfortable i know youre comfortable. I dont feel comfortable. Ill tell you, i dont feel comfortable. Stephen why . Ive been reading about you. Ive been seeing about you in the news. You have a potty mouth. laughter applause stephen that, i do. cheers and applause but might i say, i learned it from you, dad. laughter do you you know that james comey was fired by trump, right . What . laughter stephen did you i got a question for the audience. When i said that comey was fired by trump, you all cheered. Why . laughter is it because what he did to hillary . cheers and applause but you know hes investigating trumps campaigns ties to russia, which will now evaporate like cotton candy in the ocean. No, you know what youve got. audience boos they were riding a wave that was like a beginners surfers class where they were like, im standing up oh, no, wait oh, no, now im on my knees hang on. I hate that guy, i love that guy, but trump did it but they didnt know how to feel and it was interesting to watch. Stephen well, listen, you live on a farm now, okay. I dont stephen you live on a farm. I live in new jersey. laughter applause stephen there are farms in new jersey. No stephen you have a farm. You have a farm. But i dont stephen on a night like this when james comey has just been fired, do you miss, you know, doing a show like this . Because you used to, you know, talk about bleep . Now you literally shovel it. laughter do you miss do you miss like is tonight a night like, i want to get in there . There are nights where i find myself, sort of, impotently shouting into the abyss, which if you think about it, wasnt that different from what i did on a nightly basis. Stephen no, no, ultimately these shows are shouting into an altoid tin and throwing it off an overpass. Um, i miss the the process of making the show somehow became entwined with my process of making sense of things that i that i didnt understand and the two sort of merged at some level. So i miss that. And i miss the people, like you and, you know, all the great people that were around it. And it is nice certainly, you know, when you come out. In life, very few people applaud you. laughter like, like if i go to the store to get something, its not like, oh, my god, bread laughter like, its not like here you come out, and theres theres a response and affirmation that you dont necessarily get amongst sheep and goats. But, i dont the things that ive gained in terms of time spent with family and things like that, i wouldnt give up. Stephen youre going to make me cry, jon. Oh, stop it stephen i havent seen you, we havent been together to talk since bill oreilly what happened . Stephen he went to a farm upstate. laughter is it your farm by any chance . I invited him to come live with us on the farm. Ill tell you, we only have geldings and we have no bulls. Only steers. Everybody everybody pays a price for freedom on our farm. Stephen are you surprised that it actually happened for him after so many years of not happening . Thats what surprised me, not that it happened but after so many years of people knowing the behavior he was accused of and the cash payoffs and stuff like that the thing was run by a guy who was doing the same thing. Roger ailes was involved in a similar thing. So how could he fire, how could you call somebody who works for you and say, this Sexual Harassment stuff, and the money were paying out, its got to stop. When you are paying out money for Sexual Harassment. There was no accountability throughout the entire building. It was ill tell you youve been over there. It felt like i remember i would go and i would tape bill oreillys show, and as you would leave, you would see little heads, like, pop out of doors in the hallways, almost like that scene in in raiders of the lost ark when hes in the mine and all the kids look out. It was that feeling of, take us with you. Like it was laughter stephen its temple of doom jon. Was it temple of doom . Stephen its temple of doom. Youve really lost a step. laughter you have no idea. I honestly, it is like, when you grow the beard, i now my children tell me my kisses feel like punishment. Like, thats not, thats what my life is right now. laughter what do you think . Smooth . applause smooth, right . Stephen soft as an angels bleep . Are you do you feel like are you surprised stephen hes mad. Angels bleep . Hes mad i said angel bleep , and now they have to bleep that. Is that true . Stephen i said soft as an angels bleep . Im insulted that that will be bleeped. Because thats like saying you wouldnt kiss an angels bleep . laughter shame on you shame on you the things that you say, even if they are crass or in some ways are not respectful enough to the office of the presidency. We can insult. He can injure. Like, its the difference between insult and injury. And for the life of me i do not understand why in this country we try to hold comedians to a standard we do not hold leaders to. cheers and applause its bizarre. Stephen all right, well, well be right back with more jon stewart. And some other people youre gonna love. Stick around. Chevy is the most awarded car Company Three years in a row. Really. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelley blue book 2016 best resale value. U. S. News best car for the money. 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go 2017 iihs. Top safety. 2017 north american car of the year thats a lot of awards now through june 12th, get 0 financing for 72 months on all 2017 chevy tahoe models. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. It releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. Try cool mint zantac. No pill relieves heartburn faster. So find a venus smooth that contours to curves, the smoother the skin, the more comfortable you are in it. Flexes for comfort, and has a disposable made for you. Skin smoothing venus razors. Are ywith an old computer . Rform thats like lebron. Trying to perform with old equipment. Ooh. Well that is not what the fans signed up to see. Is outdated Equipment Holding you back . Upgrade your game to intels fastest processor. You should probably upgrade those, too. quiet chatter soft gasp record scratching excited chatter various whoa mixed exclamations cheering cheering cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the late show with jon stewart right here. cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, i am thrilled and honored to say that my next guests are comedians, movie stars, and latenight hosts. Please welcome the host of full frontal, samantha bee cheers and applause the host of last week tonight, john oliver cheers and applause star of the hangover movies and the office, ed helms cheers and applause and the star of hot tub time machine and ballers, rob corddry cheers and applause stephen hey, good to see you good to see you. How are you . Im not going to hug you this time. Corddry, corddry, good to see you. Please, have a seat. Please, and we sit. And we sit. Okay, all right. This is stephen now id like to start off by staying stephen, stephen, am i doing this wrong . Stephen just dont make eye contact. Dont give him food or he wont go away. His breath is really hot for warmth. Stephen i want to start off by saying this arrangement we have right now is exactly something we would have made fun of on the daily show. Yep we would have stephen because it looks fake. It looks like a morning show right now. It does. Empty empty coffee mugs. I think, the thing im proudest of from the daily show was diversity. I think thats the thing that laughter stephen thats what this proves. Theres a bald guy. Yeah. Im not wearing a jacket. Stephen so, okay, so, jon, you start the daily show. Lets just go down memory lane. You started the daily show in 1999. I started in it in 1999. It started in 96. Stephen there is no proof that the daily show existed before you got there. laughter because ive looked at the Comedy Central website and i think they burned all the tapes. laughter i started i was there before jon yes. Stephen not to throw weight around. I was at the daily show before you were. Yes. Stephen i started 20 years ago . In 1997 i met you at the press conference where i got to be introduced as the host. Stephen showed up and asked me a question as a member of the press. Stephen right, because when it was announced you were going to be there in person which they didnt tell anyone on the staff that jon was going to be the new host. They Just Announced a press conference. And i said on the daily show i think we would cover this press conference. So i just showed up unannounced and i said, mr. Stewart, question the fact that youve been announced as the host of the the daily show. How does that impact my chances of becoming host of the daily show . laughter i remember, and i turned to the president of Comedy Central at that time and said, i thought you told me he wasnt funny . Stephen and thereby a great friendship was born. So who started next after me . When did you start . We both started the exact same time. The same day 2002. We auditioned you two on the same day. Stephen there were auditions . Oh, yeah. We had a whole process. Oh, yeah. Went through the gauntlet and you find out later that those auditions are televised throughout the entire building. Yes, yes stephen so youre sitting there and everybody is watching it . By the way its on all the monitors in the entire building. Stephen if you guys dont remember your early field pieces we have a clip together here of. cheers and applause its just a little snippet. Its a little snippet here. It starts off with ed. Its you getting a mole removed from your nose was your first piece. I think youre covering gay penguins. Yeah. It wasnt my first but Stephen Early ones. A classic bee piece. Stephen rob, i think that youre talking about how spider man prays . I dont remember. Stephen and, oliver, yours is about war reenactors. Correct. Stephen jim. Its a mole, a harmless mole. If i were to get this removed, is the tube in my rectum, is that a very uncomfortable part . laughter in your rectum . Is that in your rectum . If you were to believe the producers of spiderman, a leotard is a sexy outfit that attracts the ladies. But after an exhaustive investigation, i learned that that is simply not case. beeping really funny, thank you. laughter yeah, yeah, thanks. How many gay penguins do you actually have . Three pairs that are same sex. One femalefemale pair among the gentu penguins, and two male male pairs among the chin straps. So two of your gentu penguins and four of your bleep strap penguins are gay. laughter chin strap penguins. Thats what i said. Aaarrgghh freedom aaarrgghh laughter john oliver had come face to face with the true face of war. I think ive broken my nose. I was gravely injured. It replayed in my mind in black and white, in slow motion, with cartoon sound effect. applause yup, yup. Stephen okay. Jon, did you ever did you ever feel bad about what you were sending us out to do . No. laughter no. I enjoyed it and would try and heighten it. Yeah. Johns lucky that we didnt do that bit on pavement. laughter we were going to do that whole stephen did you ever, sam, do you remember going out and being afraid like this person might throw a punch at me or Something Like that . Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely oh, for sure. I mean, i would spend days with the worst homophobes and sometimes just the worst people you could possibly imagine, and you have to get them to engage in this big sketch that youve done and youve taken three airplanes to get there, and you need them to give you some content. So you have to be really nice to them all day in their homes big homophobes were never around good travel hubs. laughter they were not. That was always the worst part about the big homophobes. You always had to take a little puddle plane and then like another little thing. Yeah. Stephen i had to flee the klan one night. Oh, yeah. Stephen i had to flee the klan. That was my second field piece. Thats right. Wow. Stephen yeah, i made the mistake of we were doing Comedy Central station i. D. S at the time on our shoots, and we went out to a cross burning in the countryside, and as you do, it was a summer kicker like, lets find out where the klan was formed. So we went to polaski, tennessee dont make it sound like steel magnolias. laughter stephen they dont know who i was, and we go out to this cross burning on the countryside and i go, oh, this would be a perfect summer kicker. And theres a cross burning behind me and i said, im Stephen Colbert, and this is Comedy Central. And i looked around and then there are guys, big guys in hoods saying to me, comedy what . What is this now . Where are yall from . And i said i said, my producer right here will talk to you. laughter and as you know, all the producers so this is Stephen Colbert all the producers are short jews. laughter so basically, hes sending a small mouse into a lions den. laughter stephen this is actually and a woman as well. She came over at the moment. And she goes, what is the problem . And he goes, whats this comedy thing . You making fun of the klan . And she goes, look, guys, the president of the klan is over there across the field and he knows all about what were doing go talk to him. And they said, were going to. And they all walk off across the field. And she goes, haul ass laughter and we ran as fast as we could. Wow. Thats awesome. Stephen weve got to take a break well be right back with more sam bee, john oliver, jon stewart, ed helms, and rob corddry. Stick around. Go, go [ rock music playing ] have fun with your replaced windows. Run away [ grunts ] leave him leave him [ music continues ] brick and mortar, what . [ music continues ] [ tires screech ] [ laughs ] [ doorbell rings ] when you bundle home and Auto Insurance with progressive, you get more than a big discount. Thats what you get for bundling home and auto jamie you get sneakygood coverage. Thanks. 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Always. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody were back with sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry, john oliver, and jon stewart. Do you remember the guy who was homonasic . Lived in florida and he he was like, i dont hate gay people. They just make me nauseous. Yes. Because all of the lesbians are coming to florida, and converting the straight white women to lesbianism, and its making me physically nauseous. Yes. Wasnt he running for something . He was also running for office. laughter thats what it was. And i think he that was his platform. Hes probably doing great now. But i caught him planning a threesome with me and the producer that i went down with. He had stephen what do you mean planning it . He was planning with his friend, that they were sorry, not a threesome, a foursome. With him and his friend. They were going to separate us and take us to whoa but like, consensually. They just assumed that we were in love stephen thats a lovely story now. laughter thank you, thank you. No, no, they assumed we were i feel terribly like, this is just like, this is actually not your show. Its dr. Phils show, and hes going to be over there, and hes just going to talk about how i allowed all of you to be put in these situations. Stephen did you ever think you could make yourself talk to people you would be in there, like you had a point of view, always. The field pieces, you had a point of view, like a real reporter, i suppose the beauty is im dead inside. So. laughter stephen that is so helpful. Not having a soul. We spotted that during his audition. Thats the thing. Im british and so far removed from anything you would recognize as human emotions. laughter i was really perfectly cut for this job because you would see people distressed and think so lucky. It makes life so much easier. I know, i know. Stephen lets remind people what jon was like when i met him. This is jon stewart and his enormous suits back in the day. Aww. Stephen they actually made you wear craig kilborns suits. Look how big that suit is. That guy is so immensely bleep . laughter um, i do think there is something in this, though, that i would like to discuss very briefly, and that is why has age ravaged me. laughter you were the ones out in the field. Im in a studio surrounded by craft services, and yet in a benjamin button scenario, i am at the beginning of the movie, and you all seem fine. laughter and this is i find this very peculiar. And is it because are you still in show business that you are being preserved . When you leave show business, like a desiccant just goes up your laughter and dries you out from the inside stephen when you leave the amniotic sack thats what happens. You look like a garden of earthly pleasures, and i am a small handful of potpourri, that has dried. laughter and im not suggesting that im not still aromatic to some extent. laughter right. Yeah, thats fair. But, clearly, this is i mean, this really does look like a group of students coming back to see mr. Holland at the end laughter applause its the end, and ive done it all. Ive gone for six years, and youre going to be like, do you remember that time you played the theme from rocky for us . And im just going to be like, i dont remember anything. I cant remember anything its really shocking and quite upsetting. You look younger. Youre still beautiful. So beautiful so beautiful. Thank you . You glow. I sleep in formaldehyde, which is we live in l. A. , so theres a whole thing that goes on there, right . Are we talking. sniffing oh, yeah. laughter is that what youre talking about . cheers and applause stephen nothing keeps you younger. I just want to tell you, i just want to indulge myself before we go, i want to thank all of you guys for being here. This was what it was like to hang out backstage. Right . This is what it was like to hang out backstage for years at the daily show the couches were different. Stephen not this nice, not this nice. Very nice couches. Stephen it was the greatest experience, greatest experience. Smaller space. Stephen and i wouldnt have this gig or any gig if it hadnt been for this man and the show he cheers and applause and all of you. And i want to go out on jon interviewing me as al sharpton in the favorite thing i ever did with this man on that show. Thank you all well be right back cheers and applause i know that you lost and now youre running for president. Seems backwards, but what are your thoughts on that . laughter stephen um, im going to win. laughter im rested. Im ready. Im thin. laughter i ive got street cred now, since ive been in the old gray bar hotel. laughter which is what the kids are calling it these days. Thats it. cheers and applause ,,,,, [one is the loneliest number that youll ever do] nobody likes a dog with bad breath. Thats why theres oravet dental hygiene chews. Oravets dual action approach cleans teeth and gets to the underlying cause of bad breath by blocking bacteria to help prevent plaque and tartar. For a cleaner mouth everyone can love. Ask your vet about oravet chews. Serious oral care made simple cheers and applause good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from czecaka, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden