My hit single, rose the late in the summer wine. Rose, that late in the summer wine say hey summertime wine and dine chuck rose but youve got to buy the album. Horks lla at you, boy. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes charlie rose and jessica williams. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo right there. Nice. Very nice. Hey, whats going on . Please, thank you so much. Wow. That is that is make no mistake make no mistake, that right there, that is a friday crowd right there. cheers and applause i wish we could have a crowd like this two nights in a row. Thats incredible. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, i want to say thank god its friday. cheers and applause though, im not entirely sure gods the one who has been in control this week because the news is a hellscape. Your know they call the presidency the bully pulpit, so far, donald trump is only doing the bully part. One of his victims this week is alaska senator and summertime manager of the overlook hotel, lisa murkowski. laughter murkowski was one of only two republican senators who voted against bringing the g. O. P. Healthcare bill to the floor on tuesday. cheers and applause yeah, yeah. That clapping means youre not donald trump, because trump tweetwedgeied her and with this tweet, i just let them down a little further. Too bad okay, thats tough talk. But shes not up for reelection until 2022, so hes got nothing on her, he cant threaten her. Which is why the Trump Administration has threatened retribution against the entire state of alaska over murkowskis votes. Hes got to. Because donald trump knows that being president is like being in prison youve got to walk up to the biggest state in the union and just jack em. Otherwise, the senate smells weakness and turns you into their sweetmeats for the next three and a half years. But im surprised trump would threaten alaska. Theyve got a lot in common. He got his start on reality shows, just like every citizen of alaska did. Apparently, murkowski and alaskas other senator both got a threatening call from interior secretary and man who wants to get you into a used pickup today, okay, whats it going to take . Ryan zinke. He called the alaskan senators to tell them that the vote had put alaskas future with the administration in jeopardy. Oh, come on you cant scare alaskans. Their state motto is if you have to, eat the dogs. laughter applause so i think thats true. Its in latin. It sounds better in latin. So trump sent one of his goons to threaten people who cross him. This administration is like organized crime, except for the organized part. cheers and applause its not very good at this fellas. I dont know. I cant tell. Is donald trump really willing to throw an entire state under the bus just because his feelings are hurt . Jimmy, could we look at the white house today . Can we zoom in on that flag . Oh, that does not look good. That does not look good. Puerto rico, polish up your resume. This might be your shot laughter the one person in washington trump has really givin the executive swirlie to this week is attorney general and pixie watching you have sex from behind a clover leaf, Jeff Sessions. laughter trump is still furious that sessions recused himself from the russia investigation. And now he doesnt have a right hand man at justice who will fire mueller for him. And we have now learned that trump has been talking privately about how he might replace sessions and possibly sidestep Senate Oversight with a recess appointment. Wow, just replacing sessions while everyone is out on vacation . That is cold. Thats like saying, hi, kiddo. Welcome back from summer camp by the way, this is your new sister, alice. Shes replacing your old sister, martha, who lets face it was a little mouthy. Anyway, get washed up, buddy, come on or youre next its the first baby goose step so a lot of senators are trying to stop it, like illinois senator and bugeyed squeezy toy, dick durbin, who said, were exploring the ways right now to keep the senate formally in session through the august recess. They might cancel recess . That means Mitch Mcconnell would have to set up his slip and slide on the senate floor cheers and applause and, and, its not. cheers and applause it looks fun. That looks refreshing. Its not just the democrats. South Carolina Republican and oldest man in an Elementary School picture, lindsay graham, is warning the president not to mess with sessions. Im 100 behind Jeff Sessions. There will be no confirmation hearing for a new attorney general in 2017. If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. Stephen holy hell. Holy hell. I do declare. Holy hell. If you persist, i will whip you with my fiddlesticks. Holy hell. And graham went on to warn any effort to go after mueller could be the beginning of the end of the trump presidency. cheers and applause . Stephen yes, and then again, if he doesnt go after mueller thats also the beginning of the end of the trump presidency. So either way, things are looking up. And graham is not the only republican standing up to trump. Chairman of the Senate Judiciary committee and ancient idol carved from potato, Chuck Grassley, tweeted, everybody in d. C. Should be warned that the agenda for the judiciary comm is set for rest of 2017. Judges first subcabinet, second a. G. , no way. Wow, i did not know Chuck Grassley was into slam poetry m. C. , tap that grassley. A. G. , no way in the u. S. A. You oughta know this, potus im the o. G. Of the g. O. P. In the sennot of the united hates of ascareica. cheers and applause sorry. These are expensive, i think. Im not sure i should have done. Jon you dont want to break that. Stephen lets talk about press secretary and mother of the kid who bit your kid, Sarah Huckabee sanders. Its been a jampacked week. Reporters have had a hard time getting straight answers about jared kushner. Attorney general jeff session, in or out. Hiewrg. So wednesday huckasanders cleared everything by reading a letter from a random kid. Aye name is dillon but everybody calls me pickle. Im nine years old and youre my favorite president. I like you so much that i had a birthday about you. Stephen hold on. Whats a trumpthemed birthday look like . Is there a wall around the pinata . Do you laughter applause what do you i dont know what you i dont know. Do do you blow out the candles or do some nice russian ladies, lets say, extinguish them . laughter you dont have to make a wish, pickle, but definitely close your eyes. Im sorry, you were answering the tough questions . Then dillon goes on to ask a few questions. I dont know why people dont like you . Me, either, dillon. You seem really nice. Can we be friends . Im happy to say i directly spoke to the president , dillon, and he would be more than happy to be your friend. Stephen id be careful, pickle. laughter applause i know one little boy, little jeffy sessions, who wrote the same letter last year and he regrets it. Anyway, sarah, thank you. Thank you. cheers and applause thank you for sharing that. I know you only give reporters a limited amount of time so how about a quick question about jareds meeting with the russian. Guys, i hate to cut it short. The president has an event. Stephen would love to talk about undermining our democracy but i would like to have the deep dive on that pickle letter. To doles cheers and applause shes just shamelessly, shamelessly running the clock out on journalists. Whats next, a cooking segment with mario lopez . laughter i would watch that. I would watch that. Yeah, i would definitely id have him on here but id want him shirtless. So unbelievable. Unbelievable. So all you frustrated reporters, if you want your questions answered, clearly theres only one way to do it. Come on out here, norah norah, everybody give it up there you go. Thank you so much for being here. Good to see you. Good to see you. So great. Hi, stephen. Stephen hi, norah, are you ready to help americans get their questions answered. Sure am. Dear president , my name is norah, but everyone calls me mustard. Youre my favorite current president. laughter anyway, i was wondering, does the attorney general enjoy your full support . And how do you plan to implement the ban on transgender people currently serving in the military . Will those on active duty be called home . Sounds like a logistical nightmare. laughter one more thing are you a puppet of Vladimir Putin . laughter i love puppets cheers and applause i love puppets i made one at camp love, mustard. cheers and applause p. S. people say we have the same hands laughter cheers and applause . Stephen mustard, everybody meanwhile, last week, i dont know if you guys watched the show, i had former Vice President al gore on the show to promote his schedule to an inconvenient truth, which is great news. It turns out there is still enough earth left to make a sequel. Its a great documentary about Climate Change that i suggest everyone check out. After all, theres no better way to show you care about the planet than sitting in a theater with the air conditioning blasting while drinking out of giant plastic cups. Plus, during our interview, the former Vice President unveiled an interesting Marketing Strategy for the documentary. We are going to win this. The only question is how long it will take. And to young people, in particular, i really recommend this movie as a date movie. laughter stephen because . Its a hot date movie. Its an amazingly hot date movie. Stephen because if the end of the worlds coming, you might as well hook up with me. laughter youve got to admit, that does make a great pickup line. So with that in mind, we at the late show want to offer anyone interested in finding a date for this movie, al goreapproved Climate Change pickup lines. Are you Climate Change . Because when i look at you, the world disappears . Stephen im like 97 of scientists i cant deny its getting hot in here. Looking at you, two things are clear heaven is missing an angel. And the u. S. Is missing any kind of viable responsible climate policy. Stephen is that an iceberg the size of delaware breaking off the Antarctic Ice shelf or are you just happy to see me . I hope your not powered by fossil fuels, because youve been running through my mind all day. Stephen tell you what sea levels not the only thing rising around here. Either wastewater disposal from fracking has caused an increase in earthquakes in this area, or you have rocked my world. cheers and applause stephen an inconvenient sequel is in theaters today. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Its friday, so that means midnight confessions. Stick around. Whats going on here . Um. Im babysitting. Thatll be 50 bucks. You said 30. Yeah, well it was 30 before my fees, like the pizzaordering fee and the dogsitting fee. And the rummage through your closet fee. Are those my heels . Yeah yeah, were the same size. In shoes. With tmobile taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines of unlimited for just 40 bucks each. For a limited time save 300 dollars on the amazing iphone 7. When we say study you say haul study haul study haul when we say study you say haul study haul study haul everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. First you start with this. These guys. A place like shhh no. Found it and definitely lipton ice tea. Lots of it. A lipton meal is what you bring to it. And the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. My advice for looking get your beauty sleep. And use aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. I. Prilosec otc 7 years ago,my doctor recommended. 5 years ago, last week. Just 1 pill each morning, 24 hours and zero heartburn. Its been the number 1 doctor recommended brand for 10. Straight years, and its still recommended today. Use as directed. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. You know what i could go for righhmmmw . Some sweet barbeque. over speaker or spicy we got a craving go go go crashing cravings in the crave van. Jacks gonna crash your crave here, try my barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce topped with bacon and onion rings. Thanks jack. Ha ha piece of cake. Oh, jack you crave it, we serve it. My new sweet or spicy barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger and chicken sandwich. Crave van band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody, right over there. Give it up for the band right now cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen, if youre new to the show, you may not know this but i am a catholic. But i have a hard time getting to mass sometimes because there isnt a church in my bedroom. laughter and i really miss some of my catholic traditions. The one i miss the most is confessions. So id like to take a moment right now, if you dont mind, to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. Forgive me, audience, i never go to the gym, so i bought a home gym. Now i never go home. laughter im about eight reminders away from considering rescheduling my next dental visit. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes when i wake up from a beautiful dream, i feel a little sad. When i see the car i just rear ended. laughter i dont always drink beer, but when i do, i make up for all the times i dont. laughter audience, i have never pre heated the oven a single second longer than it takes to open a roll of cookie dough. laughter laughter cheers and applause laughter laughter forgive me, audience, i took a much smaller bite in rehearsal. laughter ah if youre hitchhiking and i pick you up, its only because i think i can take you in a knife fight. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i secretly hope i get the flu so my todo list will shrink down to finish bowl of soup. They say theres no wrong way to eat a reeses, but im thinking a whole bag while youre idling in the driveway is close. laughter sometimes, my hips lie. laughter you know, i never i never tell the flight attendant, but i am not prepared to help out in the emergency exit row. laughter applause what am i supposed to do with the door again . Do i do i ride it down the wing like a surf board . I dont know. Sometimes i write booze into my comedy bits just as an excuse to drink. laughter cheers and applause mmmm. That tastes necessary to the scene. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back. applause the ford summer sales event is in full swing. They are not listening to me. Watch this. Who wants ice creeaaaaaam . So thats how you get them to listen. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends soon. The Samsung Galaxy s8 get threeat best buy. Lars off how was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. Itshop early to save big ls and Friends Family take an extra 20 off kids backpacks are just 11. 99 juniors denim is 17. 59 and fila sneakers are just 23. 99 plus youll get kohls cash too this saturday at kohls. Y band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, jon i love that song. Thats yours, right . Jon yeah. Stephen i love that. My first guest has made a remarkable career asking important questions on cbs this morning, 60 minutes, and charlie rose. My question is how does he have time to be sneer please welcome charlie rose. I like the football trot. Thats very nice. Nice to see you again. That interview with the boy scouts keeps on giving, doesnt it. Stephen the boy scout thick is extraordinary. Were you a boy scout . I was, indeed, but never an eagle scout glifs an eagle scout for one day. I cant brag about it. For one day is a big thing. Stephen for one day, yeah. I marched through woods i already knew. You were a South Carolina boy. I was a North Carolina boy. The boy scouts were a big thing. Stephen it was. I wanted to play with my friends. I said cant we play alone without the adults around and then we can set fires without supervision. Its much more fun. Yes. Stephen its sort of extraordinary. Theres sort of a moral heresy, i think, going to children and pouring your political poison in their ears. Its inappropriate, dont you think . Absolutely. It was an interview or piece that kept on giving one possibility to do a joke after another. It was like, im doing this for stephen, wrrch he, is i hope you are listening. Stephen well, if you are listening, sir. Stop. All full, thanks. Well, listen. How are you doing . Since the last time we had you on here you had heart surgery. I did. Stephen . February. Are they building a bigger, better, indestructible charlie rose. The bionic man. I have two artificial valves and im not sure whats next but im ready. Stephen youre certainly tough as hell. We showed the video at the up front. Get a load of charlie rose i got a brand new ticker, son stephen i say sign me up. Do you know how long it took me to do that . Stephen just incredible. Its incredible. Now, youre known sort of famously as a guy who loves to work. Obviously you have cbs this morning, youve got your pbs show. Reruns on bloomberg. You do 60 minutes. But this year, you were forced to take a break for the surgery. That was hard for you . Well, it was necessary. So, therefore, the doctor said, youve got to do this. I had a week in the hospital. They did the surgery. Stephen thats it a week . Yeah. Stephen they cracked the ribs . They did, opened if up and went in there and gave me a new valve. A cow valve. Stephen a cow valve. A cow valve, they say bovine. Stephen oh, a cow valve its a cow in you . It is. Another one is a pig. So i have a expig a cow competing to send blood to my heart. Stephen wow. God, i hope youre not jewish. Not yet. Stephen not yet, okay, youll get there. The idea of work people say, ydo you work so hard . Its not work. Its play in a sense. I spent the weekend working for 60 minutes. I went out to san diego and a place called del mar where a horse called arogais supposed to be the best horse in the world, a race horse, and everybody said is close to secretariat, hes that good. I hung out with the jockey, hung out with the trainer. The horse lost, but it was great fun for me. Its something people would way payto do. Stephen people actually do pay to go see horses. Exactly. And bet a lot of money. As i did. I bet on the horse. He didnt win. I lost a bunch of money. Stephen do you need some cash . Just for the taxi back exphoam ill be okay. Stephen i also wanted to say congratulations to you and everybody at cbs this morning. Tell me if i got this right, this morning, you, personally, were nominated for two news emmys for the cbs this morning coverage of the atlanta shootings. cheers and applause . Right. Stephen and cbs this morning got seven nominations. They did. Stephen and you got a nomination for a 60 minutes story you did on the popes choir. What is the popes choir. They call it the Sistine Chapel choir, too. Young boys, and they are amazing. But i must say about these two nominations. As you know, in television, its a collaborative art no, i know, not for you. Stephen its just and you me, folks. All those jokes i listened to tonight, right out of stephens brain. Stephen my writers write them down after the show is over. And say, i wish id written this. But stephen wrote it. Its a collaborative art, and its about the popes choir and you got to spend four days in rome. Stephen spend time with the pope . Saw him, met him, shook hands with him. Pretty nice. Im protestant. Stephen you shook the popes hand. Youre a catholic now. Its the first step to conversion. Stephen its a contact high. You went to a place i love, which is russia. I went to st. Petersburg and went over to interview putin. Stephen you have interviewed putin twice . I have, indeed. Once in st. Petersburg air, wonderful, lovely sea. Stephen tais lovely city. Yeah, yeah. What do you make of him. After having sat down and talked to him twice what, is he like as a person . To his credit, he was engaged. He answered the questions. Im not sure theyre all truthful. I said theres a saying in moscow, once a k. G. B. Spd agent, always a k. G. B. Agent. And he said, thats true. Things i learned in the k. G. B. Have never gone away from me. Stephen like undermining the united states. Maybe. And after the interview was over he said, do you have time for a cup of tea . And i said, certainly, sir. And we went into a conference room, no vodka, just tea. My executive producer was there and my producer was there. He had one person and a translator and we talked for another ho hour and a half about everything. But not about donald trump. This was three years ago. Stephen did you make sure he sipped his tea first before i did. Stephen i understand that you are now pick up an early love of yours that you havent done in many years. Are you starting to surf again . Im starting to find out. I havent asked my doctors yet. laughter . And thats a crucial question. Stephen you have to be cleared by your valve doctor. Exactly. Stephen you have to ask the cow and the pig. Moo, or laughter . Stephen you started you started you started surfing when you were younger. I did. Back in North Carolina at nags head and virginia beach. I learned at virginia beach. Stephen wow. That was back in the day when it was long boards. Back when i was a child, maybe 18, 19 years old. I just thought some people i know are doing it, and theyre adults and they went to it after having a lifetime of interest in other sports. And they love it. And i thought this is great. I thought it may take a week and find out if theres member somebody in hawaii who will give me a shot, spend a week really seeing how much i can pick up and see if i can bring it back, or in fact they will say to me, youre too old, son. Go back to golf. Stephen is this for tv or just for your life . Just for my life, my experience. Stephen well, at least send us some photos, please. Oh, i will. Stephen in the speedo. Well see. You dont care whether theres a surf board there or not. Stephen no, i dont. Just the speedo. I can say one thing on this man, also. On my 75th birthday he was very, very sick, and he meade it down where they were having a little party for me, like a trooper. So on his 75th birthday, 30 years from now, 40 years from now. Stephen Something Like that. Ill be there for you. A deal is a deal glawl new valves at that point. Cbs this morning airs week days on cbs. Charlie rose airs week nights on pbs and bloomberg. Charlie rose, everybody. Well be right back with jessica williams. Stick around. Thanks, charlie. Get, get, shooo hey out out get, get, get arrrrrgh did you find everything okay, sir. . panting whaaaaat. . Have a good day, sir saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico. Goin up the country. Later, gary i have a motorcycle wonderful. Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. Thanks so much. Welcome back. Weve got a little special thing this friday. Were about to show you the interview that we did on tuesday with jessica wiljams. Fantastic interview. Shes a wonderful guest and has a great story shes about to tell about getting to know j. K. Rowling and im in the story in a strange way. And i got my twitter app open right here, because when the interview is over, im going to tell you what the answer is to the question i ask. Check this out. Stephen you can tell the people who your new best friend is . I recently got to meet j. K. Rowling. cheers and applause and i am a huge harry potter fan. Im 27 and i feel like i got right in the middle of potter mania at that age. Mom take me out at midnight. I want to get a book. Yeah, i totally met her. How it happened, maybe my second year on the daily show, she started following me on twitter. And i got really freaked out and i was like, maybe its like shes fake following me like, when barack obama followed, like, a Million People and okay, whatever. She had actually followed me. Stephen how do you know she actually followed you . Because she only followed maybe 300 people at that time. I was like okay, this is not a drill. This is very real. laughter and so then i kind of stopped tweeting. I got twitter shy. Its like what do you say at the altar, you know what i mean, when you get there . Stephen what do you say to her . Yeah, like what do you say . What do i say to her . She ended up d. M. ing me. Stephen what did she say . I have always known i have the same birthday as harry potter which means i have the same birthday as her as because both of our birthdays are july 31. She was like, hey, its me. And in my head i was like, i know. She said i was looking up people i share the same birthday with and i saw you were one of them and i was going to wish you a happy our birthday which i bloody forget and she put, which is typical me. And she said anyway i think you are funny, brave, and courageous, and i always know its going to be a good daily show when youre on. And i was just, like, sobbing. I was i was like like, i was dead. Stephen so what did you say back jiefs just like, thank you so much. Why wheredo i start . I learned so much from your stories and i just think youre amazing. Also, happy birthday. I didnt know what to say. Stephen im not sure if i would have had the courage to write back right away. I didnt, actually. I took, like a week because i was drafting. I was like, this is trash, this is trash. Stephen did you show it to everyone you know first . I did, i did. I was, like, really workshopping it around to a lot of different people. I was like ther there are nosbad ideas and then there were a lot of bad ideas. The main thing i did want to know what house i would be in if i went to hog wart s. Stephen i heard about this, too. What did she say . I didnt ask her via d. M. , because i was afraid to tweet and also it seemed like such a big deal. Its to big a deal to slide her d. M. S about. My boyfriend was like we were at a bar, maybe a month and a half ago, and we were drinking and he said, shud. M. Her. And i was like what . He he said, you should message her. And i did like a shot. And i was like, hey, jojo. Stephen is that your name for her or is that everybodys its my name for her. Its, like, ignorant. Its my name for her. Its definitely joanne. I said, hey, jojo, its jessica. I wanted to see how you are doing. And she messaged me back a bunch of stuff and said when is the next time you will be in london. I promise im not this blabby after the fourth cocktail. I was very overwhelm gld that led to this . Yes. So heres a photo of me and jojo. Its amazing. cheers and applause its amazing. I was nervous stephen go on and tell your story. I just want to check something out. I just want to check out if she follows me. Well, she probably does. I was nervous about meeting her. I was worried it would be,ic of, like a really bad tinder date where we bit into a piece of salmon and would have nothing to say to each other, but when i met her she was really, really dool cool. And we had a lot in common which ruled. So much so, she was like, what, do you like to do in your spare time . And i was like, i actually really like to play the cyns. And she was like you play the cymes, too. Which is banana. Stephen whats her twitter name. Jkfouling. Follows me im going to follow her. You have to. Im going to drag you for not following her. Stephen let me hit her up right here. Ill say, hey, jojo. Hyphen, Stephen Colbert here. Comma. Just hanging with jess. Period. She says you put her in. What house . She told me i was gryffindor. Stephen gryffindor house. Period. Holy bleep . Siri knows how to spell gryffindor. laughter applause shes like, i know. Stephen i know we just met. Comma. Not to put you on the spot. Comma. But what house would i be in . Question mark. Hope we meet some day. Period. I love you. Stephen. laughter cheers and applause stephen well, ladies and gentlemen im happy to say that before that even aired on tuesday night . On tuesday night, jo johit me back. She wrote, dear stevie, definitely ravenclaw, but with gryffindor undertones. Boom there it is. cheers and applause thank you so much, j. K. well be right back. Come on moto z with moto mods. Ing the new hello moto. 321 liftoff gasps oh cheering buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. Hello moto. Im leaving you, wesley. But why . You havent noticed me in two years. I was in a coma. Well, i still deserve appreciation. Who was there for you when you had amnesia . You know i cant remember that. Stop this madness. If its appreciation you want you should both get snapshot from progressive. It rewards good drivers with big discounts on car insurance. I have also awoken from my coma. Its called a nap, susan lucci. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin we care about sourcing 100 at best foods, of our oils responsibly. And we care about incredible taste. Because at best foods, were on the side of food. I can embrace a world fullber, of surprising moments. Experience more as a member. The marriott portfolio has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, youre here. Why do people put why does your tummy go grumbily, grumbily, grumbily . No more questions for you ouph, that milk in your cereal was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk without that annoying lactose. Good, right . Mmm, yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. applause stephen hey, welcome back, folks. You know, there has been so much news this week, and even i cant keep on top of all of it. Thats my fault for not getting cable in my panic room. So to help catch you folks up, id like to present the very best moments from this weeks the late show. Its surprising that trump would hire the mooch because look what he said about trump during the primaries. Politicians dont want to go at trump because hes got a big mouth and hes afraid hes going to light them up on fox news and all these other places. But im not a politician. Bring it, donald. Stephen yeah, bring it, donald, okay. Specifically those sweet butt cheeks because the mooch is ready to smooch. Smooch. cheers and applause new yorker reporter detailed a conversation he with with scaramucci laf night im not steve bannon. Im not trying suck my own bleep . Jon he said that stephen look, look, if bannon could do that, hed never leave the white house. laughter applause though, i gotta say, we never see him anymore. Jeff sessions is getting a lot of heat from the president. Yeah, which is sad because he was his, like, main policy adviser, his best friend in the campaign. Stephen a lot of his early staff was sessions staff. Jeff gave them his office. Before there was trumpism there was sessionism but before that it was just called racism. By the way, under the Trump Administration youll be saying Merry Christmas again when you go shopping, believe me. Theyve been downplaying that little beautiful phrase. Stephen yes, they are downplaying it for some reason. Im just spitballing here maybe because its july. laughter applause the pentagon seems to have been unaware that trump has decided to bar transgender people from the military. Sohengon didnt even know . Wait a second. Trump said he consulted with my generals. I know, i know, that must be a typo. He maefn meant my genitals. Damn you, siri damn you, siri. Tieferl i want to point out when you came out here you just touched me on the butt. No, i didnt. Stephen yes, you did. You have no proof. Stephen colbert say liar. Stephen what do you mean i have no proof . In fwe worked together i would have to report you to h. R. I dont know what that is. Someones lying. If hes lying, make some noise cheers and applause stephen your vocalization impression of the first lady i think is fantastic. One of my favorite things when you dont talk at all, you just smolder. Sure. Stephen can i have a hint of the smolder at the camera. Sure, sure. cheers and applause ive interviewed most of the people in the Communications Team in the white house, and what the president and i would like to tell everyone, we have a very, very good idea who the leakers are, who the senior leakers are in the white house. Stephen yes, ive also done research on who is sharing information damaging on the white house, and weve been able to put together this composite police sketch. Well be right back. Hit it our collaboration with pg e is centered around public safety. Without pg es assistance, without their training we could not do our mission to keep our Community Safe. Anytime we are responding to a structure fire, one of the first calls you make is for pg e for gas and electric safety. Its my job to make sure that they have the training that they need to make the scene safe for themselves and for the public. Its handson training actually turning valves, turning systems off, looking at different wire systems all that training is crucial to keeping our Community Safe and our firefighters safe. Together, were building a better california. The late show, everybody. Join me next week when ill be joined by matthew mcconaughey, dave chapelle, and senator al franken. Thats a good week of shows. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready for fun tonight, yeah dont you worry bout where you come from itll turn out all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside deer lodge, montana, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden