Mainians . Its wait, wait, wait this just in. North Korea Threatens Nuclear strike near gaum. Near gaum. Apparently they dont know where gaum is either were saved hurray announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight stephen welcomes Millie Bobby Brown, Jim Jefferies and musical guest zeshan b. , featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs stephen nice. Thank you very much. Hey, everybody please, have a seat cheers and applause youre too kind sit down thank you, everybody thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Rschyour shows Stephen Colbert. Ee folks, before we start the show tonight, id like to go on the record i do not want the earth to blow up. laughter thats where my house is. Going to have a vacation there in a couple of weeks. But things are getting tense between donald trump and kim jongun. We didnt start it. North korea has been testing these missiles and saying theyre making them specifically to attack the united states. So, obviously, a Firm Response is necessary, but maybe not fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen. laughter cheers and applause okay . piano riff i get it i totally get it. I unndtat tith wisrso s ngli tke negotiation, and you dont start with, go ahead, kill everybody. Ill killem way deader. Then who wins . laughter okay, body count. A lot of people have questioned trumps threatening language, but there is one world leader who thought trump didnt go far enough donald trump. laughter this afternoon, he addressed a nervous world from the steps of the jersey white house. Well, i dont think they mean that, and i think its the first time theyve heard it like they heard it, and, frankly, the people that were questioning that statement, was it too tough, maybe it wasnt tough enough. If anything, maybe that statement wasnt tough enough. If anything, that statement may not be tough enough. Stephen what is tougher than fire and fury . laughter lava and rage . A papercut and a lemon . Rizzoli and isles . Crate and barrel . Key and peele . What . And im not the only one wondering what would be tougher than fire and fury . Youll see, youll see. Steen well see . I know well see, but it might be the last thing we see. But the president wasnt done. If north korea does anything in terms of thinking about an attack on anybody we love or we represent, or our allies, or us. Ill tell you why, and they should be very nervous, because things will happen to them like they never thought possible. Okay . North korea better get their act together or they are going to be in trouble like few nations ever have been in trouble in this world. Okay . Stephen oh, my god. laughter i think he just threatened to be their president. laughter cheers and applause piano riff thats not right. Thats not right at all. Thats not right. And trump knows only one global superpower could fix this problem china. China can do a lot more, yes. And i think china will do a lot more. Look, we have trade with china. We lose hundreds of billions of dollars a year on trade with china. They know how i feel. Its not going to continue like that. But if china helps us, ill feel a lot differently toward trade. A lot differently toward trade. Stephen okay, i think what hes saying is trump wants to start a trade war to stop a nuclear war. Then, hell start a thumb war to end the trade war, and then to stop that, hell launch a cupcake war, then a storage war, and finally a war for the planet of the apes. laughter its very good. Not a conventional thriller. applause of course, north korea isnt helping. Today, they said theyre drawing up plans to launch four intermediaterange Ballistic Missiles into waters near guam. Near tbawm but not on guam, okay. Which is the geopolitical equivalent of your brother saying, im not touching you. You cant tell mom, cause im not touching you. Im not touching your face. Why are you crying . Im not touching you. piano riff based on a true story. laughter sorry, lou. Seems like, right now, the only ones who arent scared by this aggression against guam, is guam. Just listen to the governor. There is fear from some parts, but there is also general calm, understanding that this is not the first time. From the standpoint of the people of guam, were almost used to this. Stephen yeah, theyre almost used to threats of nuclear annihilation, which explains the motto on their flag guam you dont have the guts. Speaking of which, the president addressed that threat this afternoon. Lets see what he does with guam. Stephen no, lets not see what he does with guam lets not how about not . You cant just offer a u. S. Territory for target practice its full of people. Just because they cant vote for president doesnt mean theyre not human. cheers and applause piano riff wow. There are a lot, a lot of human being fans here tonight. laughter cheering then the president laid out his Nuclear Nonproliferation plan. Td liwokeo dekenu number one. U la stephen i want to make sure i heard that right. Denuke . Denuke . Ive never heard that word. Its different from nuke, right . Its not like flammable and inflammable . There are children sleeping in that building. I say we make it inflammable. laughter but weve been so distracted by trumps showdown with kim jongun this week that we missed some other big stories. Like trumps showdown with Senate Majority leader and man being told they stopped serving breakfast at 11 00 a. M, Mitch Mcconnell. laughter applause piano riff theres a nice guy. Somebodys grandfather, im sure. You might recall that the senate did not repeal and replace obamacare, and donald trump was cheers and applause mmhmm. And because they did not do that, because they did not do that, donald trump was not happy. This week, senator mcconnell fired back with a lukewarm, highlymeasured response. Our new president , of course, has not been in this line of work before, and i think he had excessive expectations about how quickly things happen in the democratic process. Stephen great point, guy who voted for him. laughter this he doesnw what hes doing. Now, this is a pretty mild criticism, and im sure donald trump would just let it go. And heres the tweet. Senator Mitch Mcconnell said i had excessive expectations, but i dont think so. After seven years of hearing repeal and replace, why not done . Yes, why not done . laughter trump have point. laughter cheers and applause piano riff why bill no pass . laughter trump sad and trump not stop. Trump tweet, can you believe that Mitch Mcconnell, who has screamed repeal and replace for seven years, couldnt get it done. Must repeal and replace obamacare and mitch, get back to work and put repeal and replace, tax reform and cuts, and a great infrastructure bill on my desk for signing. You can do it laughter you can to it . Wait a second. So now trumps his cheerleader, after days of calling him a loser. Its all captured in trumps line of motivational posters, like, you suck, eagle. I believe in you laughter cheers and applause piano riff i want that. I want that. Jay yeah. Stephen i think weve all said that to ourselves a few times. And the president kept the mcconnell feud going this afternoon. All i hear is repeal and replace, and then i get there and i say, where is the bill . I want to sign it, first day. And they dont have it. And they pass repeal and replace, but never had a president or a senate that was going to do it. So i say very simply, where is repeal and replace . Stephen i dunno, maybe check behind that wall you didnt build. laughter cheers and applause just might be. Jon he didnt build no wa id b nll wall stephen he wasnt done. The president trumped on. Should senator mcconnell consider stepping down as majority leader . Well, ill tell you what, if he doesnt get repeal and replace done, and if he doesnt get taxes done, meaning cuts and reform done, and if he doesnt get a very easy one to get done, infrastructure if he doesnt get them done, then you can ask me that question. Stephen thats a long list. You know, im starting to think Mitch Mcconnell isnt a very good president. laughter applause of course, donald trump loves this country. And he proved it last night by tweeting this stirring video celebrating the best part of america himself. And im proud to be an american where at least i know im free and i wont forget the men who died who gave that right to me and i gladly stand up and defend her still today stephen i found it truly inspiring. That they were able to find that many photos of trump without any russians in them. laughter piano riff but i do have one problem with trumps allamerican salute to himself it was too subtle. So we put together a video that makes it clear how much trump loves americas president. Because im a bad ass president awindfe i v e got hes me sitting in a big truck and driving afternoon even big truck heres a shot of me with all my friends can you believe how many ive had ill build the wall god bless the president cheers and applause stephen god bless him every one. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Millie bobby brown is here. But when we come back, i have the latest proclamations from a big furry hat well be right back. Introducing the new moto z with moto mods. Hello moto. 321 liftoff gasps oh cheering buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. Hello moto. Ltry align probiotic. N your digestive system . For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Also in kids chewables. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenot esoasfod rmfoulayour babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. U can doss elelindonove 201neea rrance event, or, you can come in and have it all for less than you might imagine. Dont wait. Our 2017 models will be moving fast. You can drive a car. Or you can drive a cadillac. Come in now before the end of our made to move 2017 clearance event and leave with the perfect Cadillac Escalade for you. Purchase with 0 percent apr for 72 months. [b[cup hits floor]r] [tray clatters on table] [improvised musical sounds] [improvised musical sounds] [bell rings] welcome to our school vo jacks got your back. Hits, jack somebody craving my smoky jack burger . Vo the smoky jack burger combo for 4. 99. Vo all on an artisan poppyseed bun. voplus fries avond al rl afor just i. Man thanks, jack jack youre welcome. Vo the new smoky jack burger combo for just 4. 99. Vo only at jack in the box. cheers and applause band playing stephen give it up for the band, ladindyo gu, anten leme s jon, good to see you. Now, john, im still incredibly excited about our guest on monday. You guys know who we have monday, we have Anthony Scaramucci monday on the show. audience booing stephen thats right, theyre either saying the mooch or really mispronouncing bruce. Im excited that hes going to bring me a president. He tweeted scaramucci, talking about money, i am bringing Stephen Colbert a professionally monogrammed frontstabbing knife. Jon hey piano riff laughter stephen good luck getting that through security, my friend. I do have a lot of security becauseamh ae e stephen i spent a lot of years working for a network called important central. Jon thats right. Stephen as a late night host, i peeled tremendous power, jon. Jon yes. Stephen as much as historys most ruthless tyrants, genghis khan, kim jong un and Camilla Parker bowles. laughter we all have two things in common, none of us will ever be queen of eng whrand, and we all have a big furry hat cheers and applause drum cadence cheers and applause now that this hat is upon my head, all proclamations i make are now and forever law. Let us begin. drum beat laughter henceforth, restaurant bathrooms must remove all mirrors. I dont want to know what i look like after eating a blooming onion. laughter stephen from this moment, no world leader is allowed to use the phrase fire avl anunry d less trehey ao ls cheering from now on, fatfree Peanut Butter must be called what it actually is a brown waste of time. laughter applause heed my edict theaters can only show a maximum of five trailers before the movie starts, and only three of them can have spiderman. laughter cheers and applause from now on, any guy who manspreads or mansplains may be womanslaughtered. cheers and applause as of now, if someone borrows your phone charger, apple must automatically send you a new one because youre never getting that thing back. laughter applause anyone who says totes amazeballs will be brutes executed. applause hereinafter to make game of thrones seem slightly more realistic, there must be at least one shot of the dragons pooping. laughter vaction is now like fight club. Remember the first rule of fight club do not talk to me about your vacation. applause from this day forward, if Donald TrumpsApproval Rating drops below the Rotten Tomatoes score of the 1996 movie kazaam, then Shaquille Oneal becomes president. cheers and applause the hat has spoken cheers and applause well be right back with Millie Bobby Brown. cheers and applause band playing we dont just want to watch games cable gives us. We want all the teams, no matter where we live with directv nfl sunday ticket. We want falcons in new york. Jets in la. Bears in new orleans. Or buccaneers in a quaint, little new england bed and breakfast. Can you please pass the marmalade, charlie . I sure can, crazy pirate. Switch to directv and get every game, every sunday with nfl sunday ticket. Call 1800directv. The ford summer sales event is in full swing. Ill jump out and guide you back. Easy, son. This is gonna blow your mind. Whoa. Awesome. That is really cool. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer on ford f150. Americt gebzero percentfoand. Plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Thats the built ford tough f150 with zero percent for sixty months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein offer ends soon during the ford summer sales event. I am totally blind. And i live with non24, a circadian rhythm disorder that can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the people, places, and things i love. The people i love have always been there for me. And now, im there for them, too. And call 8442142424 to learn more. [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like. Cliche foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason . Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody welcome back to the late show already in progress. My first guest recently became one of the youngest emmy award oannees ever for her role asr elgeeventrn s youre in trouble, arent you . Who are you in trouble with . Bad. People . They want to hurt you . The bad people . I understand. Stephen please welcome Millie Bobby Brown cheers and applause band playing stephen hi. Hi is that nice to see you again. Nice to see you, too. Stephen you were on maybe a year ago or Something Like that, last summer, maybe, when this thing was just exploding. Now, congratulations, youre the big 13. Youre officially a teenager. cheers and applause last season, your character was named eleven. Is it named 13 . laughter well, im afraid thats all we have time for. Thank you so much. laughter how to you like being 13 . Noits good. Stephen what . What do you mean its not . Are you already a troubled teen . You just got here its not really good. Stephen whats wrong with being 13 . Well, you have to take your shoes off at the airport. Stephen oh, more is expected of you now. Thats got to be the worst part of it. Stephen when i was your age, we went by rail. What did you do . Stephen just rail and stagecoach when i was a child, everywhere i went. So when you were 12 a month ago, you didnt have to take your shoes off . No. Stephen at 13 youre threatening . Now theyre like, take your shoes off im, like, yes, sir. Its actually quite scary. Now i have to take my shoes off. My party was probably the best part of turning 13 because everybody thought it was a 3yearolds party because i had a carnival, obstacle courses, bouncy houses, and cotton floss candy floss cotton candy. laughter i had popcorn and a bucking bronco. Stephen you had a horse . A bucking horse . A bull . Stephen a mechanical bull . Its called back bronco. Stephen in london, they call it bucking bronco . I am the queen of bucking bronco. Stephen could you ride it . Yeah, its pretty good. Stephen its tough on the thighs, though. laughter ive ridden one of those things. Its so interesting. Its like a workout, you know. Stephen i try not to do those. I would love to see that. Much easier when youre 13. Yeah, it was really fun. Stephen do you have brothers and sisters . I do. Stephen where do you fall in the family . Im the third. Stephen of im in the middle of four. Stephen are they all in show business . No, just me. Theyre all, like, millie, really . You got another job . Oh they dont even know im here tonight. Stephen where do they think you are, Millie Bobby Brown . They know im in new york and they know im probably doing something, but, yeah, they wont watch this. They havent seen Stranger Things. Stephen they havent seen Stranger Things . They dont really care, which i love that. Stephen that is nice, i suppose. Its great. Because theres no eleven jokes in the house. Stephen no one says, do you care to be named 13 this time . laughter no, they dont. I love it. Stephen thats great for your family. Yeah. Stephen but youve seen the show, right . No, i havent. Stephen why . Because you werent old enough . Why . Because its kind of scary. You havent dean is show . No. Stephen its really good. You do a really fine job. Thank you stephen why havent you seen your own damn show . Well, i was on the way to lake tahoe when the show came out. Stephen as you are. It was in the car, road trip with my family. It came out and i just didnt find the time to watch it. Stephen wow. Do you know how it ends . I do. Stephen you do . Yeah. It was fun. All i remember is filming it and reading the scripts and that was it. So im definitely going to watch this season because its ten times be stephen really . Ive seen the prtteview. Er yes. Stephen congratulations on your emmy nomination. cheers and applause well deserved. Im the host this year. Im hosting the emmys this year. The fix will be in if you want it. We should sort something out. Stephen definitely. I think i should be your cohost. So you host and then ill, like, wink at you at some point and you will be, okay, this is the moment where we have to get the envelope and say Millie Bobby Brown. Stephen all right. Do you want to do that . laughter stephen just laugh at any of my jokes and i whether do anything you want. Okay. laughter stephen as a teenage girl, young lady, do your parents embarrass you . Because i have teenagen,hildrend i have been embarrassing to them at times, quite famously so. Do your parents embarrass you . Yeah. Stephen really . Oh, absolutely. Stephen how do your parents embarrass you . My mom is fine. My mom is, like, shy and chill. My dad is just stephen lets hear it. Youve got to love him for it but he is very embarrassing, in tcially when heoolksh stephen is that what this is . But he photobombed one of my fans. laughter and i was like applause i mean, the thing is, its, like, later on, we were all laughing and the fan posted it on her instagram and my dad was so embarrassed. Stephen he was . Yes. And then i was obviously, like, dad you cant do that again. And there he is, another fan and another person, and even a family reunions, hes there in the background. Im, like, dad, its not cool. Its not funny. Stephen at family reunions, hes allowed to be in it, hes in the family. Right, he should smile. But that face is not a smile. Stephen thats a dad face. Thats what dads are supposed to look like. applause stephen i want to just compliment last time you were here, i had such a good time talking to you, but my confession is i hadnt seen the show yet. Did i lie and say i had . I think i did. Stephen i dont think i did. Did i lie to you . I think you said never mind. Its okay. Youve seen it, right . Stephen its absolutely fantastic. cheers and applause one of the things, i had seen clips last time. I sat down without stopping and watched the whole thing. I want to compliment the designers. This was my childhood. I was these kids playing dungeon and dragons. We were the guys doing that. These sheets, we were doing the fort right there, those were my sheets as a child. This is how food the designers are on that damn show. Yeah. I had the comforter and the pillow cases and everything. Youre really excited about those sheets. Stephen well, yeah, because someone captured my childhood. Back then, know gave us props. When you played d. D. Back in 1980, out of the circle of love. Yeah. Wow. Well, its magical, stephen. Stephen millie, lovely to see you again. Congratulations. Good luck with the emmys. See you on stage. cheers and applause stephen Millie Bobby Brown, everybody well be back with Jim Jefferies cheers and applause band playing big news from advil, advil liquigels minis. Our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. A small new size thats fast, cause its liquid. Woohoo youll ask, what pain . New advil liquigels minis. The Samsung Galaxy s8 get threeat best buy. Lars off cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause my next guest is an australian comedian with a lot to say about america. Please welcome the host of the Jim Jefferies show, Jim Jefferies cheers and applause band playing Jim Jefferies, right there. cheers and applause welcome. Thank you for having me. Stephen nice to have you on. The Jim Jefferies show tuesdays on Comedy Central, im familiar with their work. Its a new political comedy show. Do you think people want to hear jokes about their politics, really, Jim Jefferies . I feel like they might. Im the First Political comedy show. There was john oliver, you, samantha bee, trevor. Im the only one that didnt come from the daily show. Stephen wow, what a refreshing change of pace. Its weird being australian because i dont feel like people want to hear news from australians. If you have a john oliver or you or Millie Bobby Brown read something, it sounds like its got an authority to it. Stephen well, i would say american accents are familiar to us and english accents sound smart to us. What do you think the australian accent this is the thing, if there was a fire in building now and a british accent said theres a fire in the building, please leave the building, you would get up and run. In my voice, its, theres a fire, everyone, everyone youre in a lot of danger you would be, like, oh, hell be okay. laughter applause stephen like youre inviting us to a party. Theres a fire, everyone. Come on. Yeah, youre probably cooking a shrimp somewhere. Stephen thats your impression of an american doing an impression of an australian. Yes, its me an impression of you doing an impersonation of myself doing an impersonation of me. Stephen you call them prawns. Call them shrimp. We had one ad campaign with hogan where he said imp sh rich and now we say, throw the shrimp on the barbie thing. Stephen the man is a national treasure. You pump your brakes. Maybe hes a national treasure, but not australian. Live paul hagan. Stephen i dont believe you anymore than the fire. laughter you guys in australia are much more close to north korea than we are. Yeah but whats the purpose of bombing australia . What are you going to get out of that . laughter we were talking about how the korean missiles can reach l. A. And chicago. I did a little joke on last tuesdays show about, hey, dive bombers, we can be resilient as americans, we can get by this. I said its not like youre going to bomb reno. I did a little reverse psychology, i aid, whatever you do, dont bomb reno i said dont bomb these coordinates and i said the coordites. Stephen of reno, nevada . This is the whole thing, you have a legal department. Every time you write a joke, a lawyer looks at the joke. Stephen yeah, because lawyers know funny. laughter the lawyer for Comedy Central said are you just giving exact coordinates of reno . Could you give 40 miles outside . Because if north korea bombs reno, you will be responsible. laughter so we got it 40 miles outside. Im probably blowing up area 51. Stephen or carson city. The option i was giving reno was die instantaneously. Now its going to be a slow death which is what most people in reno go through anyway. Stephen uhhuh, uhhuh. This is a fun chat, stephen. Stephen it is. You started off in standup. Americans, standups, lot of driving, gigs on the road. Same thing in australia . It is. But we only have a population of 20 million. So sydney has two comedy clubs, not a lot of stage, so you have to go into the country a bit. I started doing runs of gold mining towns in australia which are very interesting places. Everyone is doing a lot of money. Nine men to every woman in every one of these towns. Stephen you dig at a gold mining town . A big hole stephen its like late 19th century. You have coal miners, trump has been talking about him a bit. I dont understand the whole thing of coal miners losing their jobs. Theyre already miners, just dig for something else. How long is this refresher course . applause stephen yo yeah. You start off with, okay, youre a diamond miner now, so youre looking for black and dusty. Now look for shiny. Course done. You go into the gold minus in australia and its nine men to every woman. You go into the barracks of the men and so it doesnt loo like a gay bar, they have a female bartender and shes topless. It will be a normal bar and then theyll say weve got bleep over there, its fine. Stephen wow. I went there to do a gig when i was 23 in a gold mining town and i had sex with the one single girl. Word got around pretty quick. A lot of miners said, i have been working on her for years. I dont remember her name and im sure shes happy, if youre watching. laughter stephen the Jim Jefferies show airs tuesdays on Comedy Central. Jim jefferies, everybody. Back with a performance with zeshan b. cheers and applause zeshan b. cheers and applause band playing zeshan b. cheers and applause i like a variety in my protein. Totally, thats why i have this uh trail mix. Wow mint int esti way to get your protein. I can embrace a world fullber, of surprising moments. Experience more as a member. The marriott portfolio has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, youre here. Sailin away on the crest of ea wave, its like magic rollin and ridin and slippin and slidin its magic introducing the all new volkswagen tiguan. Higher and higher, baby the new king of the concrete jungle. How was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. 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Audi will cover your first months lease payment on select models during the summer of audi sales event. Including carpet and hardwood, tile, stone, even air ducts and window treatments. And your satisfaction is 100 guaranteed or your money back. Thats 40 off everything coit cleans. Call or click today. cheers and applause band playing thats the new rockstar. All jeans on sale, up to fifty percent off. No time to spare . Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea heres pepto bismol ah. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea stephen my next guest is making his Network Television debut. Performing, cryin in the streets from his album vetted, ladies and gentlemen, zeshan b cheers and applause i see somebody marching marching down the street, yeah i see somebody marching theyre marching down the street oh, yeah its time we stop and pray to have a better day, yeah i see somebody marching marching down the street i hear somebody cryin cryin in the street, yeah i hear somebody cryin cryin in the street yeah while they make that that morning cry i hear somebody cryin cryin in the street i see somebody dyin dyin in the street i see somebody dyin dyin in the street i see somebody dyin dyin in the street cheers and applause stephen zeshan b, everybody well be right back. My name is Valerie Decker and im a troubleman for pg e. I am a First Responder to emergencies 24 hours a day, everyday of the year. My children and my family are on my mind when im working all the time. My neighbors are here, my friends and family live here, so its important for me to respond as quickly as possible and get the power back on. Its an amazing feeling turning those lights back on. Be informed about outages in your area. Sign up for outage alerts at pge. Com outagealerts. Together, were building a better california. Stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. See you tomorrow night with a new friday show now stick around for james corden and his guests, aubrey plaza, jeremy renner, and chris odowd. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org