- oh, isn't young love wonderful? why can't we be like them? - we can. edie! - lou! (audience laughs) - can i finish my breakfast? isn't it thrilling to be young and newly married? or just to be young. (audience laughs) i envy young couples like lou and edie. they have a little problem, then there's an argument and they quarrel for two minutes and make up for three hours. and this happens a few times a day and it's great. i don't mean the quarreling, i mean the -- to be able to have strength enough to make up so often. i hope ronnie and his pals don't think that marriage is just a long series of arguments. lots of people have been married for years without fighting. but they have to find their happiness in other ways. (audience laughs) besides fighting about salt in soup, one of the worst things that can happen to a married couple is jealousy. when a young wife is suspicious and jealous of her husband, it can cause her almost as much trouble and unhappiness as trusting him. (audience laughs) next thing you know, ronnie will be getting married. i don't mind and the nursery will be occupied again and that's where i'll be sleeping if ronnie and his wife are going to move into the house. (audience laughs) and they'll move in. see, ronnie isn't old enough to support a wife yet and not wise enough to find one who can support him. (audience laughs) i hope ronnie's as happy as i've been with gracie. we've never quarreled but we've had little problems but they were different. iron my white shirt. when i got it back, it had a red spot right in front. she burnt it so she put a little mercurochrome on it. (audience laughs) i'll never forget the day we got married. we were playing a theater in cleveland, ohio, and the manager wouldn't give us time off for the wedding so we had it in the theater right after the matinee and everybody on the bill was invited. in fact, our best man was the great pepino, a magician. he had to be our best man. he was the only one who had a full dress suit. and the trouble started when the justice of the peace asked pepino for the ring. he put his hand in the wrong pocket and pulled out two rabbits. (audience laughs) turned out fine, it was a double wedding. we got married and so did the rabbits. (audience laughs) and our ushers were the four flying cromwells, trapeze artists. at most weddings, the ushers show the people to the seats, but not at ours. two of the cromwells threw them there and the other two caught them. (audience laughs) a fire eater, nice man. he baked our wedding cake. (audience laughs) and i gave gracie the most beautiful wedding present. at the show that night, i let gracie take a bow all by herself. (audience laughs) - good morning, blanche. - [blanche] oh, good morning, gracie. - you know, the cutest thing happened over at our house. you know lou and edie. - lou and -- oh sure, the newlyweds. - yes, well, they had their first fight because she put too much salt in his soup. but now they've made up and they're over at my house and he's hugging her and kissing her. - oh. maybe i should put some salt in harry's soup. - you know, it's the sweetest thing i've ever seen. - oh sure. you know, fighting and making up is the best part of marriage. if two people didn't fight once and awhile, it'd be pretty dull. (audience laughs) - you and harry must be very happy. (audience laughs) - yeah, i never realized that before. - oh sure, the bigger the fight, the sweeter it is to make up. - oh, good morning, gracie. - good morning, harry. have you and blanche had a fight today? - oddly enough, no. - aww, that's too bad. - well, i must be off to the office. goodbye, dear. - goodbye, harry. - [gracie] blanche, did you show harry the new dress you just bought? - gracie, i told you not to say anything. - well, i want you to be happy, i'm your friend. (audience laughs) (audience laughs) - what new dress? - uh...uh... - the one she's hiding in the closet until she makes you believe it's an old dress. - well! - gracie! - don't thank me now. you can thank me later. - it's not an expensive dress, harry, really. - of course it's not. it hardly cost more than the hat and shoes that she got to go with it. - hat and shoes? - now wait a minute. i feel as though you're gonna make up right now so i think i better leave. well, goodbye, kids. - now i want an explanation, you incorrigible spendthrift. - and you'll get one, you miserable cheapskate. - your extravagance is enough to drive a man mad. - why should that bother you? you've never been a man. - i did marry you and only a man could have that much courage. - (gasps) you were just as anxious to get married as i was. it takes two to make a marriage, you know! - two are also required in a murder case, but that doesn't mean the corpse is anxious to participate. (audience laughs) (blanche sobs) - [harry] oh blanche. it was not my intention to bring on tears. please forgive me. - no, it was all my fault. i'll take the dress back. - no, no, no, darling, nothing of the kind. - harry! - blanche! (playful music) - here you are, sweetheart. i've brought you a nice bowl of chicken noodle soup. - soup? i just had breakfast a half hour ago. isn't it kind of early? - it's never too early to be happy. in fact, i only hope it's not too late. (audience laughs) go ahead and eat it. too salty? - no. - really? (audience laughs) try it again. well, anything wrong with it now? - yep. - wonderful! - not enough salt. (audience laughs) where are you going? - over to blanche's to find out what i'm doing wrong. (playful music) - sit down, joyce, mr. collins. my, your hair looks pretty. - well, thank you, son, so does yours. - thanks. (audience laughs) - nice boy. - now, daddy, remember. mr. burns has been in show business all his life. - oh, now don't worry, honey. just because i come from oklahoma doesn't mean i can't talk a man's language. i'll loosen him up with that joke i heard over at the hotel. - daddy, i don't think you should tell -- - yes sir, i'll say, "you know, there's only "one thing better than rubbing elbows "with people in los angeles and that's driving "on their freeways and rubbing fenders "with them!" (laughs) - [george] and ronnie, i've got one story he ought to love. it's about an oklahoma oil man who's captured by the indians. - oh no, dad, please. - no, it's great, you see, these indians tie him to a tree and while they're sharpening their knives to scalp him, he gets the hiccups. and then the indians ask him if he has a last request and he says, "yeah, will somebody "do something to frighten me?"?" - dad, you're kidding. - if i get a real big laugh, i'll sing hello, joyce. - [joyce] hello, mr. burns. - nice to see you again. - [joyce] thank you. - dad, this is mr. collins. - mr. collins, i'm mr. burns. - howdy, mr. burns. just been telling joyce how much i admire your home, it's beautiful. - thank you. - you know, you have a lot of beautiful homes here in california. - not as nice as you have in oklahoma. - oh yes, they are and speaking of los angeles, there's only one thing better than rubbing elbows -- - [joyce] daddy. daddy, mr. burns was speaking of oklahoma. - oh yes, in oklahoma they have a lot of oil men and they have a lot of indians. and speaking of oklahoma and speaking of indians, it reminds me -- - [ronnie] dad. mr. collins was talking about los angeles. - oh no, no, ronnie, please. let your father talk about oklahoma. - no, joyce, let your father talk about los angeles. - why don't you two kids go in the kitchen and get a glass of water and we can talk about whatever we please. - dad, we're not thirsty. - eat some crackers and you will be. (audience laughs) your hair's pretty. - well, thank you, sir. - oh, mother, dad's in the living room talking to mr. collins and i wish you'd go in there -- - [gracie] oh good, i'm going to try to save our marriage. you know, the chicken soup didn't work. (audience laughs) and there's one thing that'll make your father very angry. i'll ask him to sing for me and then tell him his voice is horrible. (audience laughs) george -- - oh, mr. collins, this is mrs. burns. - [collins] well, howdy, ma'am. - well, how do you do, mr. collins? sweetheart? - [george] yeah. - would you sing for me? - sure, i'd be glad to. - (singing) oh from time to time (mumbling) blessings come from above. - oh, it's too beautiful, i can't do it. - (singing) (mumbling) lovers are lucky -- - [george and gracie] (singing) in love! - oh, i couldn't. you know, when sugar throat sings, i just melt. i've gotta hear one more note. (audience laughs) - [george] (singing) i -- - oh! (audience laughs) - ronnie, mr. collins just left - oh, thanks, dad. - and sweetheart -- - ha! - [george] what's the matter with her? - well, dad, haven't you noticed what's happened all day? lou and edie had a fight and they made up. and the mortons had a fight and they made up. and mother thinks if you don't have a fight you can't be happy. - so that's it, huh? i'll go in and make her very happy. (playful music) gracie? - ha! - we're going to have the biggest argument anybody ever had. - we are? - [george] yeah, we are. you know your coffee this morning? it was atrocious. - my coffee? - it was awful. - it was delicious. - it was awful. - it was delicious. - it was awful. - it was delicious. - it was awful. - it was delicious. - okay, now we had an argument, let's make up. - it was delicious. - [george] but we had an argument. - it was delicious. - so let's make up. - with you, never? i'm gonna live at the mortons. (audience laughs) and it was delicious! (applause)@ - thank you. well, gracie, it's family time again. who will we talk about? - well, we could talk about my uncle, doc allen, or my cousin, robin allen. - doc allen is fine. i didn't know you had an uncle who studied medicine. - oh george, he didn't study it, he sold it. he was a medicine man. - oh, he traveled from town to town selling patent medicines. - yes, in a beautiful red wagon with his wife and a horse to pull it. - his wife and a horse to -- well, i've been a straight man all my life but that one i'll skip. - well, anyhow, on one side of the wagon in big letters it said doc allen's medicine show. - i see. - and on the other side, in even bigger letters it said 15 gorgeous dancing girls. - oh, he had 15 dancing girls with him? - oh no, no, no. that was just to draw the crowd. - i see. - you see, in very small letters under the 15 gorgeous dancing girls it said have taken my rheumatism cure. (audience laughs) - the girls took his cure. - uh huh. - then he didn't have a show at all. - oh yes, yes, his wife did the dance of the seven veils. - well, did he allow his wife to do the dance of the seven veils? - well, at the finish, she always had 30 left. - [george and gracie] she started with 37. - yes. (audience laughs) - well, then she was well covered. - well, she had a very bad figure, you know. - i see, she had a bad figure. - yes, it got too muscular from helping the horse -- - [george and gracie] pull the wagon. (audience laughs) tell me, what kind of medicine did doc sell? - [gracie] well, his best seller was doc allen's magic elixir. it was made from molasses and sauerkraut juice and swamp water. - sounds delicious but what was it good for? - oh, for many things. now for instance, it was very good for preventing snake bite. - it was? - oh sure. if you get a snake to take it, it would kill him before he could bite you. (audience laughs) - that sounds good if you can get that to work, but could he get people to take it? - oh, they loved it. it was great for old age. - it was? - oh yes, it cured you of being young. (audience laughs) - i accept that. - doc guaranteed that all you had to do was take his medicine regularly and you'd live to be 110 years old and more. - well, how long did you have to take it? - well, that depended on how old you wanted to be. - i see. - now if you wanted to be 100, you took it for 100 years. if you wanted to be 150 -- - hold it, hold it. how could your uncle guarantee people that to be 100 years old? - well, i don't know, but he did. he never had one complaint from anybody who claimed that he died too soon. (audience laughs) - well, a lot of people are dead and they don't like to admit it. was the elixir the only thing he sold? - [gracie] oh no, no, he had all kinds of things. now for instance, he sold doc allen's magic body builder that was guaranteed to make you feel like a stronger man. - oh, it made you feel like a stronger man. - mm hmm. - and it worked, huh? - oh, it certainly did! once he sold a bottle to a puny little fella and a few weeks later, doc went back to the same town. - yeah. - and the man came up to him and said, "your body builder worked," and he punched him right in the nose. - it must have worked. - yes, his wife took some, felt like a stronger man so she got one. she eloped with the village blacksmith. (audience laughs) - say goodnight. - goodnight. and the coffee was delicious. - it was, goodnight. (applause) -[blanche] did you close george's door? it's all right to talk? -[gracie] oh, yes. -[blanche] good. you know, honey, these interiors by michael rockford are just beautiful. oh, he has some wonderful ideas! -[gracie] yes, i know. that's why i'm getting him to redecorate our bedroom. you know, everybody says that michael rockford is the best interior decorator in beverly hills. -[blanche] yeah, but he's very expensive. do you think george'll let you spend all that money? -[gracie] oh, george isn't like that. he never cares how much i spend as long as he doesn't know i'm spending it . -[blanche] yeah, but when you redecorate the bedroom, won't he find out? can you get him out of the house for a couple of days? -[gracie] well, i'll worry about that later. you know mr. rockford'll be here in a few minutes, and i'm worried about getting george out of the bedroom now. -[gracie] george! -[george] yes? -[gracie] look, george, it's such a beautiful evening. oh, why must you stay couped up in that stuffy bedroom? why don't you go out and get couped up in your den? -[george] as soon as i finish this murder mystery you bought. it's very exciting, i can't put it down. -[gracie] oh, but look. the brother-in-law did it, and he used an ice pick, so you can put it down now. -[george] thanks. boy, can i put it down. -[blanche] i hope george gets out in time. you know, if he barges in and sees mr. rockford, how will you explain him? -[gracie] well, i'll just say he's my husband, there's no other way to explain george, even to my own parents. -[banche] no, no, no, that isn't what i meant at all. (door bell chimes) -[gracie] uh, oh, that's mr. rockford now. -[blanche] what are you going to do? -[gracie] well, i don't know. but i'll think of something before i get to the door. (upbeat music) oh, uh, george! -[george offscreen] open. -[gracie] oh. well, blanche morton, imagine you using our front door. oh, your hair looks lovely. um, this is my friend, blanche morton. -[mr. rockford] oh? well, then who am i? -[blanche] oh, well, maybe we should explain, mr. rockford. you see, mrs. burns doesn't want her husband to know she's redecorating the bedroom. she wants it to be a surprise for him. -[mr. rockford] where is he? -[gracie] in the bedroom. -[mr. rockford] he is? -[gracie] mmm, hmm. -[mr. rockford] well, this is difficult. you see, i must take a look to see how much i can salvage. -[gracie] oh, well, we can save practically all of him. for a man his age, he's very well preserved. -[blanche] oh, no. no, no, no, honey, he means the bedroom. -[gracie] oh, oh well, if that looked as -[mr. rockford] well, i think i understand. anyway, i've sketched out some ideas which may suggest color harmonies and materials. -[george] oh, i didn't know i had company. -[gracie] oh, yes. uh, blanche brought mr. rockford over. uh, mr. rockford, this is my husband. and you remember blanche. -[george] oh yes, i heard you come in. you must have sneaked in. -[mr. rockford] well, i -- -[gracie] mr. rockford is a famous explorer, and he's giving a lecture at our club. right, blanche? -[blanche] right. -[george] what are you lecturing about, mr. rockford? -[mr. rockford] well, uh, that depends. -[gracie] not on me. it depends on blanche. uh, blanche, tell george what the lecture is about. -[blanche] up the amazon. -[gracie] yeah, up the amazon. -[blanche] the up the amazon with gun and camera. -[gracie] yeah, up the amazon with gun and camera. see, the amazon is a river. -[george] so, you've been up the amazon? -[mr. rockford] uh, yes, but never this far up. -[george] well, i'm going to coup myself in the den for a few hours. nice meeting you. nice. real nice. (upbeat music) i better turn on my television set. better see how far up the amazon i am! -[gracie] now, don't worry about my husband. i'll get him away from the house so he won't be able to interfere. now, how long will it take you to completely refurnish and redecorate our bedroom? -[mr. rockford] i'll need two days. -[gracie] well, i'll call you the moment i get him out of the house. -[mr. rockford] all right, mrs.burns. (upbeat music) -[george] so gracie hired a decorator again, huh? look, fellas, it's all right to have it night for the show, but for my monologue, i'd like a little more light. thanks. so, gracie hired a decorator again. well, that's gracie. she won't put a hook in the closet unless she brings in an expensive decorator to tell her if the hook'll look good under her raincoat. when we built this den, she brought one in and said to the decorator, "this is my husband's room, and "i want you to furnish it to match his personality." she came over, studied me for a few hours, and told me what he was going to do, and i got rid of him. i didn't think i'd be comfortable sitting in a forn and empty room. and how about that television set of mine? that's quite a gimmick. 27 inch keyhole. indoor television sets are quite the thing. boss just sits in his office, looks on the televison screens, sees which workers do the most work, and those the ones he fires. you see, if you work hard, you get tired, and the lines show on your face, and you don't photograph well, and who wants to look at a bad picture on the television screen? quite tricky, huh? i know, i know one boss who installed one secretly. he didn't know that his workers knew he was watching them. but he got a little suspicious when they came to work every morning wearing max factor's pancake make-up. do you realize that these indoor television sets could have changed the course of history? take julius caesar. if he'd been able to tune in on what brutus and the other boys were planning for the ides of march, he could have worn one of his old sheets, and he wouldn't have cared how many holes they put in it. and it would have been great could have kept tab on the british army, and he wouldn't have had to spend that miserable winter at valley forge. too bad it didn't happen that way. a lot of his soldiers got frostbitten. in fact, my ankle still bothers me now and then. oh, ok, boys, you can make it night again. -[blanche] sounds wonderful. -[mr. rockford] yes, i know just what to do with it. the entire room will be in pastel shades of green and beige. well, good night, ladies, and let me know just when you can get mr. burns out of the house for two days. bye! -[gracie] oh, good night. oooh, wait a minute! i've got it now. you know how harry von zell loves to go duck hunting? and he's always asking george to go along? -[blanche] yeah. -[gracie] well, i'll call harry, and tell him george'd love to go. -[blanche] but, but will george go with him? -[gracie] so well. i have enough trouble solving this one. hello, harry? oh, harry, have i got a surprise for you! you know how george has never wanted to go duck hunting... (music) (door bell chimes) (door bell chimes) (door bell chimes) -[george] i wonder, i wonder who that could be at 4:30 in the morning? -[ronnie] i don't know, dad. i better go see. -[george] wait a minute, wait a minute. might be a trick. it might some kidnappers or some robbers. i'm your father, i better go see who it is. -[ronnie] oh, ok, dad. (upbeat music) ronnie, you're my son, you better go with me! -[ronnie] sure, dad. dad, you're not scared? -[george] no. (door bell chimes repeatedly) ronnie, you're way ahead of me. you're taking such big steps. -[ronnie] no, i'm not, dad. it's just that you're not taking any. -[george] you better give me a push, i can't get started. -[harry] good morning, george! -[george] i must be dreaming. (door bell chimes) -[harry] good morning. -[ronnie] i'm having the same dream. (door bell chimes) -[george] well, you can go upstairs. i can handle this without you. -[ronnie] oh, please, dad, let me see him make his entrance. -[george] ok. -[ronnie] thanks, dad. -[harry] come on, george. cut out the tricks, and let's get going. it's a perfect morning for duck hunting. why aren't you dressed? look, there may be a new stall on the lake, and the weather is just cold enough, and we can bag a brace of... i got you out of bed. you don't care anything about duck hunting. now i'm fired. -[george] no, you're not. -[harry] oh, really, boss? -[george] remember when i first opened the door and saw you? then you were fired. out. get out. -[harry] george, look... -[george] ooouuutttt! (door bell chimes) (blows duck call) -[blanche] well, what's your new plan to get george away? -[gracie] oh, well, ronnie and ralph have an idea. they're working on it right in the living room now. they're going to make the house look like it's full of termites. -[blanche] yeah? -[gracie] yeah, and when george sees that, i'll ask him to take me to palm springs for a couple of days while we get rid of them. -[blanche] oh, i see. -[gracie] yeah, oh hey, that's even a better idea. -[blanche] it is? -[gracie] well, of course, george wouldn't think of staying in the house while termites are fumigating. -[blanche] yeah, well, well i can help. i'll tell harry that your house is full of them. you know what a big mouth he has, and he'll tell george about it, too! -[gracie] oh. well, that won't help any. you see, george already knows harry has a big mouth. -[ronnie] well, mother, we're all set up. oh, hi, mrs. morton. -[blanche] hi. -[ronnie] we did this at the fraternity once. it was a riot. -[blanche] well, i'll go home and get harry's lunch. oh, i forgot to wind my watch. ronnie, do you have the time? -[gracie] oh, sure he's got the time. wind it fo her, ronnie. -[blanche] thank you. bye. -[ronnie] bye. -[gracie] bye. now, you're sure this will work? -[ralph] oh, yeah sure, mrs. burns. all the controls are under the cushion in the couch. now there are four buttons. just push them one at a time, and mr burns'll -[gracie] ohh. i'm going in and try it. -[ronnie] you know, with my mother and father going to palm springs, we're going to have the whole house to ourselves. we oughta have a ball tonight! -[ralph] i called milerd and joyce, and all the kids at sc. they'll be here at eight. -[ronnie] wonderful. i'll take care of the records and the record player. -[ralph] i'll take care of the girls. -[ronnie] and about 8:30 i'll start serving sandwiches. -[ralph] i'll take care of the girls. -[ronnie] and after sandwiches, we'll start dancing. -[ralph] that's when i lose the girls. hey, ronnie. what if your dad gets wise to your mother's trick, and doesn't go? -[ronnie] oh, there's nothing to worry about. dad always gets wise, but he always goes. -[gracie] well, that certainly works. you know, i pressed a few buttons, and it's wonderful to see the way the pictures and the furniture start to jump. -[ronnie] that oughta scare dad. -[gracie] dad? if there are any termites in the house, it'll scare them, too! -[ronnie] yeah, yeah, it sure will. -[gracie] yeah, but you know it seems a shame -[ronnie] you know, mother, you and dad are going to have a wonderful time in palm springs, and the rest'll do dad good. -[gracie] oh, well, it's so nice of you and ralph to do this for me. just so i can redecorate our bedroom. -[ralph] oh, we're glad to do it, mrs. burns. we just want to be helpful. -[gracie] yeah, well, and i appreciate it. now is there anything i can do for you boys? -[ronnie] oh, no, no, mother. we don't expect anything in return. you know we're always on your side. -[gracie] well, of course i do. -[ralph] sure. ronnie and i are just gonna sit home tonight and study. -[gracie] sure. hello, jason's restaurant? well, this is mrs. george burns. will you send over enough sandwiches for a party of about... 12 kids tonight? -[ronnie] 14. -[gracie] oh, well, you better make it 14. yes. all right, good bye. -[ronnie] mother, you're a doll! [ralph] and a smart one, too! -[gracie] you know, as long as your father can afford michael rockford, the most expensive decorator in town, he can certainly afford to in this fashion for 10 years. -[blanche] gee. if a single couple can do that much, what happens with the married ones? -[harry] from that comment, it is obvious that your association with gracie has affected your mental processes. -[blanche] your soup is getting cold. -[harry] however, i'm not too proud of the way i came by my knowledge. i must confess that in my youth, my tastes ran to the racier, more risque type of literature. -[blanche] really? well, come on, more, more. -[harry] well, it so happened there was a book of 200 pages which described and illustrated the most intimate habits of the common termite. -[blanche] no? -[harry] when it was banned in boston, i read it. -[blanche] harry, you've really lived. -[harry] i have yet to be served a hot plate of soup in this house! will you please get me a cup of coffee? -[blanche] and then will you go and see george? -[blanche] all right. (upbeat music) -[george] why uh, why do we have to talk in the living room? why couldn't we talk in the den? -[gracie] well, because i, we didn't have enough wire. -[george] enough wire? -[gracie] uh, well sit down, dear. -[george] all right. -[gracie] oh, no, no, not here. -[george] no? well, where do you want me to sit? -[gracie] anywhere. in that chair. -[george] well, i'm glad you gave me a choice. now, what do you want to talk about? -[gracie] well, i think you're very clever, and i know a way you can make a lot of money. -[george] how? -[gracie] how? what a question, how? that book that you read last night. it would make a wonderful movie. why don't you produce it? -[george] that's a great idea. who do you think i oughta get to play the lead in this movie? -[gracie] well, let's just think about it. let's not talk, but just think. (clattering) -[george] uh, how about clark gable? -[gracie] no. let's think of somebody else. and this time, let's look around the room while we're thinking. (clattering) -[george] spencer tracy oughta be good. -[gracie] no! -[george] what about kirk douglas? or jack benny? debbie reynolds? -[gracie] oooohh. -[george] gracie? -[gracie] yes? -[gracie] oooh! yeah, and that goes for you, too! -[harry] george? my property is in jeopardy. -[george] it is? -[harry] i have just learned that your house is being devoured by hordes of voracious termites! -[george] sit down, harry. now what would make you think that my house is full of termites? who would start a rumor like that? (clattering) people who start rumors like that are naughty. so, harry, go home. your property is safe. -[harry] george, george! they're rocking your very foundations! -[george] well, maybe i have a few termites, harry. i'll call the exterminator and get rid of them. -[harry] thank you, george. -[george] now that your troubles are over, help yourself to a cigar. george, the, the, the... -[george] hurry, hurry, harry! they're chasing you! -[george] what's all this? -[ronnie] food. -[george] food, huh? -[gracie] well, it's for the termites. i'm putting it out for the termites so they'll eat that instead of -[together] our house. -[george] so you got the food from jason's? -[gracie] well, george, these are beverly hills termites. -[george] i see. how would you like to go to palm springs for a couple of days while we get rid of these termites? -[gracie] oh that would be wonderful! -[george] and while we're there, why don't you get that explorer, mr. rockford, to redecorate our bedroom? -[gracie] well, boys, i don't know how we got here, but here we are! -[george] and how would you like to have the mortons go with us? -[gracie] well i'd love it, but you know harry. he'll say it's too expensive. -[george] well, you go over and get the mortons out of the house for a few minutes, and let me talk to these electricians. -[george] boys, get your tools and sit down. (upbeat music) -[george] gracie and i are going to palm springs for a couple of days. wouldn't you like to go? -[blanche] oh, i'd love to! -[harry] it's too expensive. -[blanche] oh, you. -[george] look. we're going to stop at the racket club for about two days until we get rid of the termites in the house. why don't you join us? -[harry] fortunately, we have no termites. -[george] well, you're very lucky. we have a lot of them. (clattering) -[harry] blanche! call the exterminator! we're leaving for palm springs immediately! -[george] well, gracie, shall we open "meet your family" album again tonight? -[gracie] oh, yes. let's talk about my cousin robin allen, who used to steal from the rich and give it to the poor. oh, he was a wonderful man. -[george] robin allen. sort of a san fransisco robin hood? -[gracie] yes, yes, but he wasn't too successful. you see, every time he robbed a rich man, he took the money down to the poor part of town. -[george] and? -[gracie] and before he could give it to anybody, somebody always robbed him. -[george] well, this robin allen sounds like a bright boy. what kind of stuff did he steal? -[gracie] oh, all kinds. they put him in jail for everything. -[george] he was that good? -[gracie] oh, the greatest. -[george] no wonder you're proud of him. -[gracie] well, like the time he robbed a supermarket, he got away with over $200 worth of groceries that he gave to the poor, but they caught him a half hour later. -[george] how come? -[gracie] well he went back to get his parking ticket validated. -[george] well, he had it coming to him, so he got it. -[gracie] and once robin was picking pockets at the pocket of a very rich man, who was going to chicago. and it turned out to be a very tight pocket, and cousin robin had a very large hand. -[george] so this large hand got stuck in this tight pocket. well, what'd he do? -[gracie] oh, well what could he do? he bought a ticket, got on the train with him. -[george] he went all the way to chicago with his hand in this man's pocket? -[gracie] no, he had a lucky break. you see, the man undressed to go to bed, and cousin robin and the man's pants got off at albuquerque. -[george] he got away with it. -[gracie] well, almost. but he was anxious to get back home, so he went up to the nearest policeman, and he said, "hey, is that the way to san fransisco?" -[george] and pointed with the hand that the pants were on. -[gracie] yes. -[george] yes, and back to jail. -[gracie] five more years. -[george] and when he came out, did he go straight? -[gracie] yeah, straight to safe cracking. -[george] to get money to give to the poor. -[gracie] sure. now there was a big match on knob hill, and he read someplace "to open the safe, a burglar always sandpapered his fingertips down to where the skin was very sensitive." -[george] i read that, too, that's true. and what happened? -[gracie] well, that's when he got caught. -[george] how? -[gracie] well, you see, when he touched the dial with those sensitive fingertips, it hurt so much that he screamed and woke up the whole neighborhood. yes. -[george] and five more years. -[gracie] and 30 days. -[george] and 30 days? -[gracie] yup, for disturbing the peace, too. -[george] now, gracie, i know how he always got into jail, but how did he always get out? -[gracie] well, he was a great artist. -[george] a great artist? -[gracie] oh sure, whenever he wanted... -[george] really, a good artist, huh? -[gracie] yes, whenever he wanted to escape, he painted a picture of an open door on the prison wall. -[george] and? -[gracie] and while the guards were trying to close it, robin walked out the front! -[george] say good night.

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