Oh, okay, im gonna have to supplement that. Could i have your fax number . Would i ever leave this company . Look, im all about loyalty. In fact, i feel like part of what im getting paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, im going wherever they value loyalty the most. So you got the fax . So why didnt you add it to the res what do you mean . Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me. I know about a billion asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, i get a little frustrated when im dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what . You can go to hell too. And i will see you there. Burning. Fine. Okay, wait. So youll let me know whenouve made a decis jim is really talented. And he should be the one whos getting a better job offer. Like, for real. Dont take this the wrong way, but you should go for that job. Um, its in maryland. Yeah. But, i mean, look at the salary. And its definitely a step up. And a challenge. Yeah. Yeah, you know what . Maybe maybe i will. Jim. This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can i talk to you for a moment . Oh, god. I just thought you should know that i was just offered a job with better pay, Better Benefits and a better title at cumberland mills. Fantastic. And i turned it down. What . That wouldve solved all my problems. Out of loyalty to this company. Oh, you idiot. So i was hoping to be made assistant regional manager. If you left, i wouldnt have to fire anybody. But then you wouldnt have me here. Big deal, oh, it wouldve worked out so well. Can you get it back . Its in maryland. You can call. Can you call em . I cantii suppose ino. They never really made me an offer anyway. [growls] why are you torturing me . God. Honestly, i dont think michael has the slightest clue of who hes going to fire. I think he keeps hoping that someones going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really whats going to happen is its gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. [clicks tongue] and therein lies the true essence of his charisma. [clears throat] can i speak to you a minute . Um. Yes. That people are finally getting together. I think its wonderful now that people are finally getting together. I think its so groovy now that people are finally getting together. I think its wonderful now that people are finally getting together. [ man ] adventure, it means taking chances. It means trying something new. [ woman ] just, that uncertainty of whats to come. [ man ] just kidding. Can you pleae stop doing that . [ woman ] you walk outside in brooklyn, and its cement and broken glass. And this is just like. The opposite of that. The opposite of that. Michael, i really didnt mean to help me. Im sorry . I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and i will take it. Oh, you want me to be you . Yes. I want you to be me, and i will be creed. Oh, are you firing creed . No, no. No, thats just firstthing. Cantin head. We should switch seats in order to. Yes, thats a good idea. Excuse me. [clears throat] im really sorry, but i have to let you go. And its purely budgetary. Its not personal [screams] im gonna kill myself wow. Im going to kill myself and its your fault thats an overreaction. Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And theyre saying this has to be done by the end of the month. Is this you . Are you being you, or is this creed . Ithis is creed. Okay. Im improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings] and im very angry. Hold that thought. Creed . Michael scott here. Im gonna kill you for firing me. Toby . Mmmhmm . I really have to take this, creed, so it was really worth get off, get off. No, no. Just, justyeah. [sighs] [door closes] what happened . It wasnt me. Oh. That was, like, crazy. I know. cause i was uh, hey, creed . Huh . Could i talk to you for a second . You are great. Very ambitious. And i feel like you want more than this Little Office has to offer. And i understand that youd wanna just spread your wings and fly the coop. What are you telling me . Were gonna have to youyou want something better. No, i dont. I wanna stay right here. No, you wanna leave. No, i wanna stay here. Why are you making this so hard . I think theres a misunderstanding, michael. I think youre right. Can i go . No, of course, you cant go. We havent even started this horrible process of okay, creed, i need to let somebody go today. They told me i need to let somebody go. And as much as i think youre a great guy, and i like you, youreyoure, goodbye. Lets fight it. Hmm . Lets call jan, and fight this thing together like the old days. What old days . What are you talking about . Did you start the paperwork yet . Its right here on the desk, yeah. You dont have to do this, michael. I cant undo it michael i cant change anything. creed no, you have the power to undo it. You undo it. Michael, undo it. Yeah, i went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask . I have to fire someone today. Okay . Fine. Fire someone else. Fire devon, hes terrible. I am so much better at my job than devon. Okay, well, i already picked you. And you know that. So, unless i just go through with this, youre always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you. No, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. Youre the guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew youd see my way, michael, god bless you. Youre a fine man. Dont. Listen, you will not regret this either. Devons terrible. No ones gonna miss him. [imitates durante] good, good, good. Devon, could i talk to you for a sec . Creeds an idiot. You know that. Well, he. No, no, no, no, no. You had it right the first time. Well, maybe i did. Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man. Huh. Well. No, i cant no. I cant go back. I would look like an idiot. Thats why im being fired . No. So you might not look like an idiot . No. It was all the stuff that i said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and this is unbelievable i just hope that you and i can remain friends. michael devon, wait. Please. Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, i want to give you this Gift Certificate to chilis. From me. Okay . No hard feelings. Kevin, jim, pam, kelly, toby, oscar, meredith, phyllis, stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, im gonna be at poor richards. And the rest of you can go to hell. What about the Halloween Party . pam oh, hey, jim. Wait, stop. Um, im sorry for pushing you toward cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, i would blow my brains out. [both laugh] come on. Thats just a figure of speech, you know . Blow your brains out . Come on. All it really means is that were friends. I mean, who else is she gonna talk to if im gone, right . I mean, if she left i wouldnt blow my brains out. Of course, i would take that job in maryland. Because its double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food. And what do you do . Oh, i sell insurance like no one else. Oh, thats nice. Thank you. Now, thats progressive. Call or click today. Hey have you ever tried honey nut cheerios . Love em. Neat now you on the other hand. You need some help. Why . Look atchya. What is that . You mean my honey wand . [ shouting ] [ splat ] come on. Matter of fact. [ rustling ] shirt. Shoes. Shades. Ah wow now that voice. My voice . [ autotuned ] whats wrong with my voice . Yeah man, bee got swag be happy be healthy thats gotta go too. Hey must be the honey [ sparkle ] sweet. I love halloween. Hey must be the honey you, know its just its just fun. Every year, its just fun. Last halloween, i came as Janet Jacksons boob. [scoffs] it was topical. People got a big kick out of it. The year before that, i came as monica lewinsky. And i wore a stained dress. The year before that, i also came as monica lewinsky. And before that, i was o. J. It was pretty funny. Oh, i wish you were here last year. [doorbell] children trick or treat [laughs] hey how you doin . Wow you guys look great. Im a bumblebee. You look great. And youre a princess . A fairy princess. Youre very im a lion. Youre a lion. Wow, i want to hear your oh, okay, thats all yours. Thats all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what . You guys are getting all of these. Smile on your brother everybody get together try to love one another come on, people, now [ female announcer ] breyers. The taste youve loved for over 140 years. Right now the taste youve loved for over 140 years. I dont get it. Do i stress you out . Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. [murmurs] speaking of which remember when people used to say boss when they were describing something that was really cool . Like. Those shoulder pads are really boss, man. Look at that perm. That perm is so boss. Its what made me want to become a boss. And i looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge. Okay, everybody. I figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is causing stress. So what is the solution . Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short a vacation. Itwhat . No. No, i am talking about a roast of michael scott. Oh, come on who here has the Comedy Central roast channel . Youve seen it, right . Everybody gets together, and you start hurling insults at the one guy, and everybodys laughing, and everybody is hugging each other. Michael, are you serious . You really want us to roast you . Mmm, si nor. Thats offensive. Its not its not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. And i want you guys to really get cracking on this. I want you to take me down. Dont hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that im so fit, or im a womanizer. Fair game. Whatever. I dont want to write your stuff for you. But i just want it to be good. Oh, my god. Oh, man. [laughing] oh, my god. I consider myself a good person. But im gonna try to make him cry. michael i can already feel peoples stress starting to melt. I think theyre very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that youtube comes down to tape this. [cheerful music] could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Mmmhmmm. Everybody knows that. Well, did you know that old macdonald was a really bad speller . Your word is. Cow. Cow. Cow. C. O. W. E. I. E. I. O. [buzzer] dangnabbit. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you. Well, you know. So thats the stage . Fifteen minutes could save you. Well, yo yes. W. All right, yeah. You know, thatll work. Thatll work for my roast. Supposed to be working as a warehouse. Well this is all about morale, darryl. I will need a big chair. A comfy chair. Like a throne. For thethe man of honor. And i think all the other roasters should be up here on stage as well. Everyones on the stage . Yeah, like a Comedy Central roast. Whos in the audience . The audience will be in the audience. Well charge 10 a head. Charge who . Well need alcohol. Because thats very important for a roast. Well need to get people drunk. And you need something to spit. Ah, [mocks spitting]. You gonna be spitting in here . Spit takes. Yes, ill be doing some spit takes. If its funny enough. Or i will do finger guns. Or. [exaggerated laugh] right. Sammy davis jr. Move. But you know that. What else could i do when im laughing . There he is. Everyones favorite redhead. Hey, dwight. Whats up . Hi, toby. Nothing. Just wanted to come by and make some small talk. Talk about your work. If youre enjoying it. You want me to sign your form . Well i hadnt even thought about that, but well since you ask. Wanna order some Girl Scout Cookies from my daughter . Girl scouts . I dont know. I think its kind of dangerous to teach young girls selfesteem and leadership skills. I dont know. Maybe the two of us should meet for an hour or two. Discuss your progress. Ill take a case of dosidos. You really dont have to do that. Oh, its okay. I insist. Yeah. I love. Dosidos. Good. Plus i just milked the goats, so. Oh. Okay. Perfect timing. Yeah. [phone rings] dunder mifflin, this is pam. Oh. Hey, mom. No. What did dad say . What did you say to my dad . What . After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment. Oh, my god. Pam, i dont know. Inothing. Truly, nothing. I mean, ii just was honest with him and i im so sorry, ii dont know. Ill call him again. [stammers] 50 of marriages end in divorce. So. It was her parents or my parents. What could jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom . And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me . That people are finally getting together. I think its wonderful now that people are finally getting together. I think its so groovy now that people are finally getting together. I think its wonderful now that people are finally getting together. Its back. Olive gardens buy one, take one, just 12. 99. Choose one of five amazing entrees to enjoy today, like smoked mozzarella chicken. And take home a second entree for later. Buy one, take one just 12. 99. Go olive garden. Honey, dont use your sleeve. For cold and flu season, theres clorox bleach. May i have your attention . Please sign in. Sign in on the signin sheet. The clipboard. This meeting is mandatory. If you do not sign in, your name will not be counted. Thank you. Hey. This is your apology letter. That was the last signature i needed. [michael applauds] whoo welcome, welcome, welcome welcome, welcome you are all jerks. [chuckles] just kidding. Not yet, anyway. Welcome to the roast of mr. Michael scott. If you are here for the grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. So we all know how these work. Needs to get crazy. Take your best shots. I am going to sit right over chair and, uh, whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Okay. Lower the mic for the midget. If you ever wondered whether you were michael scott, heres a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be michael scott. [laughter] i normally dont enjoy making people laugh. If you ever called the Fire Department cause youyour head was stuck in your chair, you might be all michael scott. [laughter, cheers] hey, hey i dont go make burgers where you work and then tell how to make burgers. [laughs] i have made a list of people that i would make out with before i would make out with michael scott. A turtle. A fridge. andy yeah. Anybody from the warehouse. [cheers] a wood chipper. Kevin. [light cheers] a candle. And lord voldemort. Anyway, happy birthday, michael yeah. Youd be so lucky [applause] good one. Michael [sighs] you ran over me with your car. [rim shot] you posted a picture of my bare boobs on the Bulletin Board with a caption that said, gross. Well. Michael, you are the reason i drink. You are the reason i live to forget. [makes gunshot noises, light applause] [speaking in spanish] it wasnt hard. I just wrote down some of the stuff that i usually yell on my car ride home. [light applause] michael nope. No friends only. Friends only several times a day, michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary. I know where this is going. Do you . No. Okay. [laughs] remember spider face . Nope. Okay. cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spider face. Spidokay. [laughter] yeah. Yep. [laughter] how dare you all attack him like this . Oh, stop it, dwight. Michael is your superior. No, no, no. Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him. Dwight, youre supposed to do it this way. Okay, no, they dont understand who they have. That is the way youre supposed to do it, idiot. Youre interrupting me. I am trying to get your back. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Are you calling me an idiot . Idiot. Dont you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You dont have any friends or any family or any land. Yeah [cheers, applause] well, i just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is michael scott. [laughter] hes supporting about 20 nigerian princesses. Hey, you know what . [laughter] forgive me for caring, right . Well, you know, michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himselfever. Ha ha ha ha ha ha and one time i walked in on him naked. And his thing is so small. [chattering, whooping] kevin how small is it . If it were an ipod, it would be a shuffle. all ohh uh, can i make just a little announcement . In a professional roast, usually the roaster will Say Something nice about the roastee after theyre done. Something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind. Mike claims were all a family. We are isnt that right . We are a family. Oh, okay. So, um. Whats his name . All the way in the back, there. Oh, very funny. Mmm. Whats his name . Uh. [laughs] im thinking roy. Roy left years ago. Whats his name . I dont believe i have had the pleasure. Michael, i gave you a ride home last week and we spent an hour in traffic. Whats his name . Jefferson. Nope. His name is michael. [rim shot] [playing tune of what i like about you] [audience clapping with beat] what i hate about you you really suck as a boss man yeah youre the losiest, jerkiest and youre dumber than applesauce were stuck listening to you all day stanley tried to die just to get away well, its true thats what i hate about you thats what i hate about you