Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Its a packed house. Super energetic crowd tonight. Super packed house. People are very excited about the election, right . Me too, me too. How are you doing jon, feeling good. Jon feeling good. Were doing it. Stephen i love that jacket. You look like barney from the waist up. Up. Jon i used to watch barney when i was a kid. You know, i used to check him out. . I love you you love me . Stephen i do not know what you are talking about. One of us is slightly older than the other, and i would like to not dwell on it if you dont mind. Well, ive got to start tonight with some shocking news. Theres a huge scandal out there that does not involve donald instead, it involves future former president barack obama. Remember a few months ago when he got iran to release four american prisoners . Well, it turns out, he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, turns out 400 million was flown to iran on a plane loaded with cash. Dont you hate ien an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to 400 million . You dont know who gets the armrest. Its incredible. And now, a lot of people are saying it sounds like ransom, because they know what the word ransom means. laughter but the administration is denying any connection between the money and the prisoner release, claiming that the timing is coincidental. Already full of cash. Hey why dont we do the the. laughter so its great the prisoners came home, but this does not look good for the obama administration. And i am going to keep talking about this story, or my names not stephen colbert, and my Swiss Bank Accounts number cheers and applause okay. Okay. What else is in the news . Have you heard of this donald trump guy . Very interesting guy. People talk about him a lot. Today on coffee joe morning, and the funky bunch, coffee joe revealed this policy expert on the International Level went to advise donald trump, and three times he asked about the use of nuclear weapons. Three times he asked, at one point, if we have them, why cant we use them . Stephen ooh, i know that one applause chingching. Aarrgghh time passes. Yes, i followed his orders and dropped the bomb. Okay, right up there, the thing with the rope and the noose . Okay, ill go. laughter and i can really picture donald trump at that National Security meeting i know there are probably reasons not to use nuclear weapons. I cant think of one, but im open to hearing them. Meatloaf, your thoughts . Arsenio hall, should i bomb gary busey . Now, this caps off a week in which trump attacked a gold star family, seemed happy about getting a purple heart as a gift because it was much easier than earning one, and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. And ive been out here for five minutes, so im going to say fivegallon can of van kamps pork and beans. He makes more gaffes than i can keep up with. Its like i love lucy in the aint chocolate. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. cheers thank you. Thank you. Peabody, please. Now, things have gotten so bad that trumps allies are plotting an intervention. An intervention. They love you, donald. Is admitting that youre the problem. Im guessing and this is just Wishful Thinking but senior g. O. P. Officials are exploring options if trump drops out. In fact, Top Republicans have been seen standing outside mitt romneys House Holding boom boxes. laughter applause because on monday, paul ryan retweeted a poll that said, harambe the gorilla is polling nationally at 5 , adding the comment, one in 20 want to see harambe in the oval office. laughter applause its a bold choice. Only obstacle i can foresee is that hes a gorilla, and hes dead. On the plus side, im pretty now please say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . . cheers and applause now just over there a second ago i was saying that desperate republicans are looking to replace donald trump at the top of the ticket. But realistically, who could they turn to . Whoever they pick would have to be hawkish on national defense, friendly to wall street, and is despised by liberals. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. applause admittedly. ch a she fits the bill, but shes spoken for. Speaking of which, trumps got a new nickname for this woman. Why did hillary get rid of her middle name . Huh . Hillary . No, but why did she get rid of it, hillary rotten clinton. Rotten clinton. Hillary rotten clinton. Maybe thats why. Its too close. Stephen hahaha. laughter applause by which i mean, sleep at nigh applause cheers . . . Hillary rotten clinton. And several Top Republicans, like congressman Richard Hanna and g. O. P. Fundraiser meg whitman have Just Announced theyre going to vote for Hillary Clinton. So its clear the g. O. P. Establishment is not pleased donald trump, hand, he cant stand them either. For instance, senator mccain has promised that he will support the republican nominee, despite trump saying this hes not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people that werent captured. booing . Stephen i know, but it really brings you back to a simpler time. When that statement was shocking. Despite that, mccain endorsed trump. But despite that, yesterday, trump said this ive never been there with john mccain because ive always felt that he should have done a much better job for the vets. He has not done a good job for the vets. Stephen oh, my lord, that is below the belt. Which isnt hard, because at 79, mccains belt suparound his armpits. I come here, come here, mister come here now his belt is up around where a prom dress sits. Now, paul ryan was slower to endorse donald trump than most. Back in may, he said im just not ready to do that at this point. Im not there right now. Stephen yes, he wasnt there he was in his happy place, fantasizing about president harambe. But, eventually, ryan did throw his support behind trump and then threw up a little in his mouth. But, yesterday trump rewarded that endorsement with a ringing nut punch saying, i like paul, but im just not quite there yet. Im not quite there yet. Ouch oh working the boys like a speed bag down there. Using paul ryans own words against him. Thats a great way to take down your political opponent, which for trump, is now everyone. Here for some indepth analysis on trumps childish laughing out at his own party, please welcome Trump Campaign senior junior strategist, timmy jenkins. cheers and applause timmy. Timmy. As always, timmy, thank you for joining us. Your pleasure, stephen coldsore. Now, you are the mastermind behind Donald Trumps campaign strategy, correct . Thats right. During the primaries, i was the brains behind those powerful nicknames lyin ted, little marco, booby jindal. Stephen booby jindal . I never heard that one. Yeah, he dropped out before we could use it. Biggest regret of the campaign. Invention switching from crooked hillary to hillary rotten clinton. Stephen that was you . Yeah. It works on so many levels. Stephen it actually only works on one level, timmy. Calling your opponents names is one thing, but throwing paul ryans own words back in his face . Doesnt a president ial candidate have to be more mature than that . Doesnt a president ial candidate have to be more mature than that . laughter stephen timmy, please. Im trying to have a serious conversation. Im trying to have a serious conversation. Stephen stop it stop it stephen i mean it stephen im a big dork now, why would you say that laughter have some selfrespect, stephen coldballs. Stephen timmy, seriously. Okay, the last four or five days have been the roughest i can recall for any president ial candidate. Trump is down in the polls, Party Leaders are discussing replacements, reports are that morale within the campaign is plummeting. Doesnt any of that make you question whether your bullying strategy is working . Doesnt your face make you question whether your butt is working, stephen coldballs . Stephen you already used that one. Okay, listen, i know. We node to talk for a second, mantofartknocker . Stephen go ahead, sure. Im in over my head, man. I thought this would be fun, you know, share some laughs, but trumps out of control. Stephen wait, timmy, what are you saying . That guy is too childish to be president. Im voting for hillary cooties be damned cheers and applause stephen timmy jenkins, everybody. Wow im with her, buttlickers stephen well be right back with john cena. Stick around. 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Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ready for a new chapter . Talk to your rheumatologist. This is humira at work. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh scorecard at discover. Com. cheers and applause . . . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a w. W. E. Superstar who has starred w. W. E. s summerslam. Please welcome, john cena cheers and applause . . . All right yes, indeed cheers big crowd. Excited crowd. Stephen very excited to see you. Was that your music they played when you came out here . That was. Stephen thats your entrance music . Youre hired. You guys did it better than jon were already theyre already working . Thats cool. Stephen maybe on the weekends. I love that suit, man. Oh, thank you. Stephen thats, like there is a reason behind our brand new w. W. E. Program on the u. S. A. Network, smack down live. Stephen its blue, that is the color, that blue . It is this blue but it serves a guy my age 39 years old, every once in a while can still blue himself. laughter applause stephen i have not i have not done enough yoga,un you what else i like. You have a really nice suit on here. This is teen Choice Awards. This is you as Hillary Clinton at the teen Choice Awards right there. Thats a really good thats a really good look. Yeah, yeah. She should think about it, yeah. I should stop thinking about it. laughter now, obviously, you probably dont talk about politics a lot, but i have to ask you one question donald trump seems figger. Do you think he would do well in the world of wrestling . Stephen, do i donald trump is a w. W. E. Hall of famer. Stephen what . W. W. E. Is made for a guy like donald trump. Donald trump has been to wrestlemania and shaved my boss head. Stephen really. So, guys, this is all my fault. Stephen wait a second. Is there any chance this entire campaign is scrimented and you know how it no. Stephen no . No. Stephen okay, summerslam 2016, what can we expect . You can expect everything. For those people who dont worry w. W. E. And there are only one or two of you out there, i thank the rest of you. The rest of you are in for a hell of a show. If you dont know, its the best live production you can possibly imagine. We take the drama and excitement roll it into this one big ball and send it out to the w. W. E. Universe live at w. W. E. Network. At summerslam its basically our season finale. If you watch game of thrones you always watch the whole thing to gear up for the finale. Stephen you got any dragons . Do you go buck naked or anything like that . So i tried both of those. laughter the dragons and being naked at the same time. Stephen bad combination . A poor management decision, my friend. Stephen who are you fighting . A guy named a. J. Styles. Stephen a. J. Styles youll take him with one hand tied behind your back. Please dont say that. Stephen no, youre going to take him is he good . Ive never heard of him. applause is he good . Hes very good. Stephen hes very good. Hes very good. Stephen have you fought him before . I have. Stephen and stephen oh, wow, oh, wow. Could i ask you about your about your some of your signature moves . Yeah, sure. Stephen i love the attitude adjustment. Yes. Stephen and what is this . What is this called that do you . Thats called the you cant see me, can which sets up a maneuver called the fiveknuckle shuffle. Man, my life is weird. laughter stephen whose idea was this. You do this right before the attitude adjustment, right . Little brother and he dared me i wouldnt get it on television. Stephen because its so dumb . laughter because thats what Little Brothers not me thats what Little Brothers force their older brothering to do. I was really excited to be here tonight. Stephen still be. Still be excited. Quite frankly, youre being very hurtful right now. Stephen i apologize, i apologize. Thats cool. I cant see you, so its good. He gets it. Clip of you doing it. Jimmy, show the people the good stuff. That right there is the attitude adjustment. And wait for it. Wait for it. Im about to become invisible. Hold on. Theres a big buildup because theres a magic potient. And im invisible right there. I disappear. I disappeared. Stephen okay, i take it back. cheers and applause i take it all it actually works, but only in a w. W. Wring. I actually become invisible for a few seconds. Stephen wow, amazing. A couple of quick questions . What do you bench . Enough to let me beat a. J. Styles live at summerslam on the w. W. E. Network. Stephen all right, thats more than i can. Ill tell you that much. Do you have like ive heard, like, the rock has a crazy amount of food he has to ingest on a daily basis to stay all is it all just live chickens . If it breathes or its green you eat it. Stephen if it breathing or its green you eat it. Stephen if it breath breathd its green its gone bad. Yes, if it breathe and its green its gone bad. Stephen did you have any big wrestling heroes when you were younger . As a kid i loved macho man. I loved the hulkster . I c as a kid. You brought up dwayne johnson. I think hes a hero and inspiration to myself and anybody in the w. W. E. applause thank you, a couple of rock fans here tonight. He certainly has blazed the trail for all of us. He always comes back and continues to perform year after year in the w. W. E. And has really set the precedent that were all not just w. W. Superstars. Were a little bit more. We can sit in a chair and banter ultrawitty stephen colbert. Stephen did he start you acting . Is he the reason you started acting . Have you seen any of my stuff . laughter this has all been kind of a soft open to my start in acting. Im going to start a few years down the road. Its not exactly acting what im doing right now. Im trying my best. Im swimming with the floaties on. Stephen we have to take a commercial break will you stick around . Yes. Stephen well be back with more john cena. Were going to act. . . . applause gilman go get it, marcus. Go get it. Coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1 cash back everywhere, every time. At places like the batting cages. . [ crowd cheers ] 2 back at Grocery Stores and now at wholesale clubs. And 3 back on gas. Which helped him give his players something extra. More cash back for the things you buy most. Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Back to school is like our red carpet. Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . Ping . The Bud Light Party believes in change. Thats why bud light has a new look. And we want to share it with everyone. Jackpot still the same refreshing bud light. With a new look. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose odnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. The new chicken mcnuggets look fantastic made with 100 white meat chicken, no artificial preservatives, flavors and colors, it just might convince the judges here today. crowd cheers and theyve done it n mcnuggets rightfully claim their gold marco. polo marco. polo marco. polo marco. polo marco. s . . Polo marco. polo scusa . Ma io sono marco polo, ma. Marco. playing marco polo with marco polo . Surprising. Ragazzini, io sono marco polo. S . , sono qui. Whats not surprising . How much money amanda and keith saved by switching to geico. Ahhh. Polo. Polo fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Polo cheers and applause stephen were back with john cena. John, before the break we were talking about your workout regimen, you have to stay all that some of my producers have asked me to ask you this this isnt you asking me. Stephen this is not me. This is being asked through me by some of my producers. And lets just say she would like to know of all the muscles on your body, are all of them as big as. laughter . What the are purported in certain movies theyve seen . My goodness, man. Stephen again, its not me. If you vacation south of the equator its going te trip. laughter stephen really . Really . Im not doing any nohanded pushups any time soon. laughter applause im so glad that in the w. W. E. We wrestle without our shirt and not without our pants. Stephen that is that is are we cool . Stephen yeah, were absolutely cool. Now, this is how i would answer that. Ask me. So, stephen, ive been watching you in movies and, you this isnt from me but someone lets just say she asked me your muscles are so enormous, are are all your muscles big . Stephen oh, ive got a huge bleep . cheers and applause . And thats why youre behind the desk and im in the chair stephen no ones going to fact check you. Okay, okay. Now, lets get back to wrestling here for a second. You can explain something to stephen only cbs. laughter now, explain explain to me you can explain this to me because ive watched wrestling since evidence a kid. You dont not only have to be in shape but you have to understand the physics of certain moves. How do you the the pile driver. You take a guys funny bits and put them in your face and you use throanch what . Stephen colbert, the late show dummy. Stephen im sorry about this. Uh, who is this . Stephen this is this is butch the studio bully. Im sorry about this. Butch, im in the middle of an interview here, so maybe. How are you going to ask your stupid questions without your stupid cards . Ill be waiting for you laughter stephen john, what am i going to do . Hes been making my life a living hell. You know a lot about hitting sure, well start with a few weeks of cardio, get your heart rate up, then focus on strength and resistance, adjust your diet stephen all i have time for is a training montage. Good enough take my hand . . . cheers and applause want it its got to be an eightinch dollop. Its not going to frost itself. Dont go soft on me get back in there cheers and applause . . . Stephen wow. cheers and app wow, thanks, man, thanks man. I feel totally ripped and jacked. Busting out of that suit, man. Stephen thanks, man, im really feeling it. If that bully ever comes back hes going to get his. Hey, man, i didnt even see you there. You know, i couldnt wait so im just gog pound you now. Stephen well, butch, im ready for you. Oh yeah . Damn right, im going to kill your whole face. Stephen w. W. E. Summerslam takes place on sunday, august 21 live on w. W. E. Network. John cena well be right back with scott eastwood. Theres your beautiful baby. Any day now [crunch] youre eating doritos . Really . laughter owww give me that screaming [baby crying] [crunch] today were talking about automotive awards. What if i told you there was a car company that received all of these awards . One company won an award in all of these . Chevy. Ahhhh chevy im just going to stay in here, is that okay . This summer find your tag and get 16 of msrp cash back on select remaining 2016 vehicles in stock. Thats over 4,100 cash back on this all new 2016 chevy malibu. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Tmobile never stops improving. And we doubled our lte coverage. Thats right our coverage stacks up with anybody, including verizon and at t. And only tmobile gives you more than just great coverage. Video and music free without touching any of your data. So ditch the other guys. And get great coverage and more with tmobile. We got you covered. And we wont stop tired of redosing antacids . Try duo fusion new, two in one heartburn relief. The antacid goes to work in seconds. And the acid reducer lasts up to 12 hours in one chewable tablet. Man, im glad aflac pays cash. Aflac isnt Major Medical enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . Aflac like rising copays and deductibles. Aflac or help pay the mortgage . Or child care . Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. Com boat . . [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. What are you doing . Oh, here, check this out. . . [ meows ] but grandma, we use charmin ultra soft so we dont have to wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my next guest from such films as gran torino, fury, the longest ride and from your dreams. You can now see him in suicide squad. Please welcome scott eastwood. . . . applause stephen i think ill fastest a guest has ever come out here. Yeah. Thats a new land speed record for our stage. Thats what she said. laughter rim shot . Stephen thank you very much. Nice to meet you. Let me just go a little over the c. V. Youre an actor. You model. You surf. Lots of shirtless pictures of you on the internet. You have an abl freddie. You publicly admitted to crying during the notebook. You fly a helicopter. Are you auditioning to be the next bachelor . Thats the kind of thing people make up on the resume. Busted. The bachelor, thats every mans dream to be on a show with 20 women competing over you . Stephen sure. That would be great. Stephen i, a big old no, look at this stephen this is a fantastic picture. This is you and your dad on the cover of the new esquire. Its just hitting the stands now. Thank you. Thanks. applause stephen did you live with your dad as a teenager . I did until i pissed him off, yeah. Stephen yeah . Yeah. Stephen whats it like to piss this man off, because he he just has a look that would, like, sterilize a frog at 50 what was it like to get in trouble with this fella . Its kind of like when you see him in gran torino say, get off my lawn, but with his hands around your throat. laughter . Stephen but only because he loves you, right . Oh, love. Stephen can you give me the stare . You can scare the hell oh, boy. cheers and applause thats it. The little head move, too. The little head move. The little head move says, did you . Well, now youre in suicide squad. Working with david error, who you worked on, on fury. Brutal movie to work on, i imagine. Not like actually going to war. Stephen but he runs boot camps. Physical and psychological torture. I think he likes to torture his actors. Im not sure why i came around for a second round of torture. Stephen did you have to go through extensive training for suicide we did. He likes to put his actors through, like you said, and i was playing a spec ops guy in the movie. And at one point he had us sleep deprivation for 72 hours. Stephen what yeah. And then he had us sneaking around houses in the greater toronto area, and looking back at it now, we could have gotten stephen was this just to make you seem tired . Why do you keep somebody up for 72 hours . Just give the man a toddler. Youll be tired faster than that. Thats also good. Stephen did it bond you guys . Did it make you feel like a team because you were all suffering at the same time . Yeah, a lot of suffering together. Stephen we had Margot Robbie on the show and she said she has her own tattoo gun and that she was tattooing the word squad skwad, on people. Did she approach you about getting the squad tattoo . You know no. Stephen no . No, will and i stayed away from that. I saw wills giving the tattoos out. I said run away from that trailer. Stephen no tattoo for you . No. Stephen do you have any tattoos . No, my dad was sort of old him saying, well, why the hell did you do that . I said, im not getting a tattoo. Okay. Stephen so this is older sister . Older and younger, actually. Now what i think about it, yeah. Stephen did you learn to be good by watching your brothers and sisters bleep up . laughter because i think youre allowed to say that on air . Stephen no, im not allowed to say that. What i did was up. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you for being here for my last show. laughter i guess what im asking is i think younger brothers, younger brothers and srs learn to get around parents by watching how the older brothers and sisters get in trouble. Thats true. I was very sneaky. I was very sneaky, so i got away with a lot. Stephen are there things know how to tell them that . No. No. No. Not at all. Stephen now, youre in the few fast and furious coming out, furious 8. I am, i am. applause . Stephen are you a car guy . Have you always loved cars . Yeah, classic cars. Ive always been a fan of classic cars. Stephen what was your first car . Thats an interesting story. I actually asked my dad, i remember, when i was in college, i think it was for seven or eight grand for a truck. I had a job at the time. And he said no. And so then i had i remember getting a deal on a 91 ford crown vic, which was for people who dont know, is an old police car. Stephen sure, sure, not that sexy. Not that sexy, no. The trunk didnt close. So i used a bungee cord. Stephen was this your first car . First car. Stephen i had a 1978 powder blue pinto. Oh, nice, thats good. Stephen i got all the girls who walked by yours. Scott, thanks so much for being here. It was a pleasure to meet you. Good luck with the new movie. Stephen suicide squad is in theaters this friday. Scott eastwood, everybody well be right back with a perfor neville. Stick around. . . . applause you know we said wed take a look at our Retirement Plan today. 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Just take my hand ill be your man . Ill be your man . . . . . . Skin . And said jesus, you hear how im pleading . A rose colored lens to cover up my sins . She held her feelings within and suddenly screamed out in . Pain where have you been . I been here all along . So if youre lonely, and you need me . Ill be your man . If ever trouble comes around you . Ill be your man i will be . If you got something to go through . Need someone to hold you just take my hand . Just take my hand i will be, i will be . Im the burning ember in your heart . If you lose your way ill be your fire in the dark . . . . . . . . . . So if youre lonely, and you need me . Ill be your man i will be . If ever trouble comes around you . Ill be your man i will be . If you got something to go through . Need someone to hold you . Just take my hand ill be your man . Ill be your man i will be . . . . cheers and applause stephen Aaron Neville everybody hey, honey . Yes, dear . Cascade platinum. Powers. Through. Your toughest stuckon food. So let your dishwasher be the dishwasher. Is tu. Cascade. The ford freedom sales event is on our biggest event of the year just got better . Im free to do what i want and have a good time. . Announcing zero for seventytwo across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs. So hurry in for 0 financing for 72 months. Thats freedom from interest. And freedom to choose with ford. Baby . Now get 0 financing for 72 months across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs, i know you [laughs] welcome street. Thanks for this. I see youve got Time Warner Cable like the rest of the hood. Genius. Yeah, they offer tons of free hd channels. And you can record six shows at the same time. Looks like youre all hooked up. Games about to start. Lets do it. Were watching here . Oh yeah. Ohh. How about you and i go watch my favorite show . Make your move to Time Warner Cable. For 89. 99 per month youll get tv, 100 meg internet and phone. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jamie dornan; the new star of hamilton, javier munoz; and malcolm gladwell. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, denis leary and salma hayek pinault. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Your hangups and fears bout to set you right . Its the late, late show [ cheering and applause ] . [ music ] . Ladies and gentlemen, all the