But then a thought popped into my head, kids. The same thought that will pop into your heads the first time you see your best friend holding their baby. staple gun clicks wonder how much this would hurt. chuckles staple gun clicks screaming that guys a dad. screaming baby crying oh, i think hes hungry. Oh, well give you some privacy. Wow. Seeing them in there all together like that, theyre a family, you know . Thats what i want. Oh, ted, im glad were friends again. Me, too. Because as your friend, i have to tell you youre full of crap you say you want a family, you say you want to meet the one, but you are always chasing the wrong women. That is not true. Look at the women you date, starting with me i told you right away i didnt want marriage or kids. Stella had a child with another man who she still loved. Zoey was married and trying to sabotage your career and wore a lot of stupid hats. Hats were in that year, kind of. Name one exception. Victoria. Ted victoria was great. Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass. scoffs you mean you . Thank you victoria is the only woman youve dated who couldve been the one. You should call her. Tiny thing, last time i saw her, she was getting engaged. That was eight months ago. For all you know, shes single again. What if shes married . What if shes not . Then you would actually have a chance to get what you say you want, and it terrifies you. Whoa. Whats wrong . sighs i ruined things with quinn. I insisted she stop stripping, we got in a huge fight about it, then i ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling. What the hell am i coming home to . Lets have an eightway with my six hottest stripper friends. Um, how is that a punishment . Wait for it. But i forbid you from filming it with your overhead camera that zooms in on whoevers being the loudest. Nooooo shudders no, thats too cruel. Or, you know, maybe quinns moved out. I didnt even think of that sighs welcome home. I decided the place was a bit too american psycho for me, so while you were gone, i hired a decorator and i asked him, what would the inside of tinkerbells vagina look like . And the kid just ran with it so. What do you think . Thank god youre still here welcome home. Louis never smiles. [ laughs ] [ smooch ] [ male announcer ] french the rainbow for baby marvins birth announcement card instead of me. Whatever. The only problem . camera snapping okay. How about this . Tomorrow, we go to central park at sunset and we get the perfect picture in the perfect setting. Oh, i like that. Itll be marvins first outing into the world. Youre gonna love the park, buddy. Its a great place to meet chicks. Oror dudes. Or both. Oh, we love you no matter what narrator and kids, as i watched your aunt lily hold her baby boy, another thought popped into my head. Even though you didnt buy anything, i want to thank you for coming in. Heres a free teddy bear. What are you gonna name the little guy . Six pack. Gun it, bitches engine revs narrator that girls a mom engine revving phone chimes okay, so i met this girl on the train, and i texted her, whats up . She texted, hey, exclamation point. Does that mean, ask me out or just. Ted, we are responsible for a whole other human life now, so new rule you cant come to us with any issue unless its an 8 or higher. Got it. So im thinking of texting back a winky smiley face. Eight or higher, bro. Well, no, what should i eight or higher, bro. No, yeah, im just wondering if eight or higher, bro. Well, where do you rate this . This is the same as whats in little marvins pants right now a soft two. Sorry, bro. Stop texting the bimbo and call victoria. That chapters over. Wwe just werent destined to be together. Destined. Arent you tired of waiting for destiny, ted . Isnt it time to make your own destiny . False alarm. What i was smelling was the previous poop, which, apparently, is still somewhere on my clothes and or in my hair. Hold him, would you . Oh. Here. Ooh. Yeah, smart. shutter clicking oh, sure, that one turns out great. Ugh. Narrator and then another thought popped into my head that guys nowhere near being a dad. line ringing victoria hello . Hey, victoria, its ted. Um, listen, i was just wondering if you wanted to catch up sometime; its been a while. That sounds nice. Im actually around this afternoon. Oh, wow, uh, great. Maclarens at 2 00 . Is 1 30 okay . I might have a thing later. Yeah. Yeah. See you then. See you then. Narrator meanwhile, barney and quinn were off to hawaii for their first getaway as a couple. Maam, i need you to open your suitcase. sighing its mine. Did you have to replace my luggage, too . Run away on me again, youll be wearing hot pink stilettos. Whats that . Yeah, what is that . Its a magic trick. You see, im something of a magician. Open the box, sir. laughing oh, i cant do that. barking sir, are there drugs in that box . Oh, no. Hes probably just barking because of the explosives. gasps oh, my god tell us whats in the box right now i cant. Magicians code. Ted okay, i need to figure out if victoria ever got engaged. Ill have to very subtly check for an engagement ring. Hmm, cant see the left hand. [ for 4 days only, ] costarting friday,ey columbus day sale. Save 20 percent with your coupon on apparel, home, accessories, shoes and fine jewelry when you use your jcpenney credit card. Or get 15 off any other form of payment. How i met your mother will be right back. Its back. Olive gardens buy one, take one, just 12. 99. Choose one of five amazing entrees to enjoy today, like smoked mozzarella chicken. And take home a second entree for later. Buy one, take one just 12. 99. Go olive garden. I cant. Magicians code. What the hell is the magicians code . a magician never reveals his tricks. Mr. Flanagan, my magic mentor from the hallowed Staten Island mall magic shop, taught me the importance of the code one fateful autumn night in 1993. Hello . Mr. Flanagan. Whwhat are you doing here . Um. Im checking up on you. Just to make sure youre practicing your craft or whatever. That is an honor, sir. And yeah, i promise, im practicing. But wait. Why were you, why were you going in my moms room . Uh. Your moms actually helping me with a new trick. That is so cool what is this trick . Is it sawing a lady in half . wry chuckle well, not sawing. But actually, the magicians code forbids me from telling you anything else about the trick. Loretta wayne, come back to bed okay, it involves a bed. Wwwait. Can you at least tell me the name of this trick . Sure, kid. Its called the disappearing salami. Mr. Flanagans wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was. Yeah, that guy was banging your mom. Yup. Totally. Mr. Flanagan was not ban oh, my god, he was. So what did you order . Oh, just black coffee. I like it that way, too. Yeah, it just tastes better to me. I find that if the coffee beans are good enough, you really dont need why are you in a Wedding Dress . well, im sort of supposed to. Get married today. All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now . Well, not all; we had five lastminute noshows. Well. Six. Mazel tov, ted. I was starting to think this would never happen. Oh, no, mrs. Matsen mrs. Matsen i told you he wasnt gay. Wait, what . I was tempted to leave klaus for you last fall. The only Thing Holding me back was the robin of it all. I know, and you were right, but. But thats all over now. She moved out i mean, were still friends, but thats over. All these years, i never stopped thinking about you, ted. Ive got a car outside if youre ready to drive off into the sunset together. But if you dont feel the same way, if youve closed the door on us, just say the word. And ill go. Barney, tell them the trick. The only person i could possibly reveal the trick to is another magician. Well, im a magician. Prove it. Whoohoo gasps narrator thats barneys version. Quinn said it was a simple card trick. Whos to say which version was true . Quinns. Quinns version was true. Okay. Ill tell you. Oh, thats really cool. So whats the trick . I cant say. Magicians code. gasps tada. Dadadadadada. cell phone ringing hello. Why did you make me call victoria . Shes here in a Wedding Dress. Im the verge of ruining a wedding and mrs. Madsens friend thinks im gay, but lets put a pin in that till later. Oh, my god. Victorias at the bar with ted. Thats a seven. And shes in a Wedding Dress. Thats a ten. We got a ten four shots of tequila. Ted, calm down. Or not. This is your chance to get the one who got away. You want her, she wants you, whats the problem . The problem is victorias in the middle of a giant freakout. What if she winds up regretting this decision . Shes going after ted mosby. Thats the best decision shes ever made. There you go. Whoa. What was that . What . You said you wanted a picture of baby marvins first outing. Our babys first outing was to a bar. gasps i dribbled cuervo on marvs soft spot. Here she comes quick go. So. You. Me. Riding off into the sunset. Any thoughts . One question fdr or westside highway, whats the quickest way to the sunset . I need to ask you both a few questions. Lets start with you. Name . Quinn garvey. Occupation . Unemployed. Well, well, well. Look whos keeping secrets now. Sir, ill tell you her occupation stripper. She insists shes proud of it, but apparently not proud enough to tell you. Barney, i was going to surprise you with this on our trip, but. I quit. You. Did that for me . Yes. And now that you know what i did for you, and how much i care for you, would you please show him the trick . Sorry. Magicians code. Where should we go . Your place . My place . We could go on my honeymoon. laughs just kidding. Although, it is paid for. I know where we should go. Where . Your wedding. Im taking you back. At the power of nutrition. Triple nutrition conditioner from garnier fructis. With 3 weightless oils. Avocado, olive and almond. Even very dry hair is totally transformed. In just 1 use fructis triple nutrition. [ for 4 days only, ] costarting friday,ey columbus day sale. Save 20 percent with your coupon on apparel, home, accessories, shoes and fine jewelry when you use your jcpenney credit card. Or get 15 off any other form of payment. Plus, doorbusters start this friday at 3pm to saturday 1pm. Like 50 off sweaters for her, 4050 off mens st. Johns bay apparel, and 40 off kids outerwear. Jcpenney. Has been provided by. [ female announcer ] allergy congestion . Allegrad dcongests, dpressurizes so you can breathe. A fast, nondrowsy antihistamine plua powerful decongestant. Allegrad. Dfense against allergy congestion. Plua powerful decongestant. I thought you wanted this. I do want this. Ive thought about you so many times. What might have been. But i got left at the altar, and it nearly killed me. Youre someones fiance, and i have to respect that. So lets hit a motel, jam in a quickie, and get you back to your wedding. giggles its the right thing to do. Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasnt an option. And now that i know that. Its like im sobering up. Is there any way that we can just pretend this never happened . This never happened. Well. Your flight left. We need to hold mr. Stinson for further questioning. But youre free to go. Maybe i should. Wait ill show you the trick. Sir may i please have the silk handkerchief in your top left breast pocket . Well. I dont have. chuckles clears throat sim salabi ma. Sim salabi ma. gasps relax, relax, its part of the trick. How did you get that through the xray machine . No questions from the audience, please chanting nonsense syllables what is that . Madam, may i please have the key on your necklace . Oh giggles beeping is that gonna explode . What . screams coughing ahem. mock gasps what . loudly will you marry me . Yes. laughing come on, guys. Were losing the light for babys second first outing. Narrator i hate to say it, but robin nailed it. Hey. Guys, weve got something to tell you. Eight or higher, bro. Were engaged. Thats a. Thats a ten. We got another ten oh. Wow, big day congratulations thank you. How did this happen . Oh. Magic. Oh. Uh, not to ruin the moment, but apparently little marvin was quite stunned by the news. Oh, marvin, youre about to hear your first love story quinn once up on a time, this creepy magic dude was boning barneys mom. Its our last chance to run away together. Doors right there. Yes, well start a new life. Head for the border canada eh, mexico. Canada sucks. Okay, well, youre onequarter canadian, so by that logic you onequarter suck. Im 100 awesome and you know it. Yeah, i do. clears throat look, ii hope this isnt weird, or anything, because. Barney. Im. Im really happy for you. Really . I listen to the wind really. To the wind of my soul where ill end up well i think only god really knows ive sat upon the setting sun but Never Never Never. I know. I never wanted water once no, never, never, never i listen to my words but they fall far below the road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasnt it . Yeah. Just a few. My heart wants to go in a weird way, it all makes sense, though, doesnt it . Yeah. Yeah, it kind of does. The devils lake but Never Never Never never. The bride wants to see me . Awesome cheeseburger. No, its not. Its not awesome . No, its not a cheeseburger. Look whats on a pretzel bun now. Wendys new pretzel pub chicken. Now thats better