Unfair . Walter, what would you say about a man who when his wife leans over to kiss him good morning says, not now, not before ive had my coffee. Please, maude. This is not a movie. When Robert Redford wakes up and leans over and kisses Barbra Streisand before hes had his coffee, hes only doing it because theyre paying him a Million Dollars. A Million Dollars for Robert Redford . Money well spent. V8 juice, sir starts the day with that extra little morning dash. Ive already had my morning dash. Yeah, right past me. My, isnt he in a bloody awful mood . Mrs. Naugatuck, youll have to excuse mr. Findlay. I woke up on the wrong side of his bed this morning. No, mum, if theres a man in your room, there is no wrong side of the bed. Is would be without women. Yeah, it would be worth it oh hello, carol. Hello, vivian. Goodbye, vivian. And burn the joy of sex for mother. Oh, carol, ive read the joy of sex. If youre gonna burn it, memorize it first. Ha ha ha ha oh, maude what a glorious day. Youll just never guess how arthur woke me up this morning. Vivian, whatever he did, i dont want to hear about it. Oh. Ha ha ha well, first, he kissed me. And then, and he whispered. panting testing, one, two, three. Aha ha ha i see, the famous panasonic hifi stereo upchuck test. And then, he put the other end to his heart, and he said, do you hear that beat, cutlet . Thats the beat of love. highpitched scream so then what happened . Oh, then he said for me to pack a few things because hes got us a cabin at lake george for the weekend. snap just like that, out of the blue. Isnt that marvelous . Oh, its marvelous, viv. So i was wondering if i could borrow your old mackinaw to take along . Though i probably wont be needing it, of course, with arthur to keep me warm. Oh oh oh, he just he just makes me tingly, tingly, tingle. When he ups and does Something Like this on the spur of the moment. Although i guess its just part of being newlyweds. Oh, come on, vivian youre hardly newlyweds. Your ring fingers already turned green. Oh, yeah. You know that bearskin rug in the den . Youre kidding, viv. Why do you think the bear is smiling . Ha, ha, ha well, thanks for the coat. Uh, have a wonderful time, viv. Oh thank you. You have a wonderful time, too. Doing whatever it is you cozy, comfy old marrieds do. Im just so tingly. Ha, ha, ha oh, where have we gone wrong . where have we lost our way . Look at us, walter. Look at us. All the joy, the spontaneity and the excitement is out of our marriage. Walter, we dont even own a bearskin rug. You wont let me keep a gun in the house. Walter, dont you see . Our marriage has become warm, safe, secure. Right. And boring, walter. Boring, boring, boring we have not one single tingle left in our marriage. Please, maude. Oh, walter, honey, remember you use to put on that corny straw hat and play that hokey ukulele and sing, . Yes, sir, thats my baby, no, sir. . Maude, you always hated it when i did that. I know. How come you dont do it anymore . But, maude no, you come home now, i say i love you, you grunt, take off your shoes, and check the tv guide. I mean, walter we dont even talk to each other anymore. Okay, maude, lets talk. Howd it go today . I tried. Oh, darling, dont you see whats happened to us . Walter, our lifestyle is soso dull, so monotonous soso predictable. It is not predictable. Thats exactly what i predicted youd say. Come on, maude. Walter, doesnt it bother you that there are people our ages, whowho still have romance in their marriages likelike our next door neighbors . The greenblatts are romantic . Im not talking about the greenblatts, walter. Im talking about arthur and viv. You know how arthur woke viv this morning . He stuck his stethoscope in her ears, and whispered sweet nothings. Sorry. You know what else arthur did . He told vivian to pack a bag because on an impulse, he got them a cabin up at lake george for the weekend. Come on, maude. That wasnt any impulse. I mean, you know, arthur. Chances are somebody gave him a key to their cabin. Yeah, but walter, let me ask you something. If somebody had given you the key, would you have gone up there, just like that . snap of course. Like that. snap honest, maude. Id come home, tell you to throw a few things together and wed go off and spend the weekend in each others arms. Honey, do you really mean it . Of course i do. Ohh. Ha ha ha. Youre tickling my ear. Ha ha ha. I love your ear. Oh, walter. Im so sorry. Your neck. That i yelled at you. Hey, listen, i just wanted to stop by before we go, walter, and thank you old buddy for giving me that key to the cabin. He gave you that key . Oh, hi, maudie. Sure, didnt he tell you . See, this business acquaintance of his offered him the use of this neat cabin. Thanks a lot, arthur. O use it, good old walter passed the key along to me. Thanks. Wait a minute, maude. Now wait a minute. Now let me explain. Look, about that key you know what you can do with that key walter . snap just like that. Wait, look. You can do the exact same thing with that stethoscope of yours, arthur. Wait a minute, walter. I dont understand. Why are you attacking my stethoscope . Because you have a big mouth now look, maude and i are going along with you two ld it. Hold it. Now wait a minute, walter, heh, heh. Im not at all sure how vivian would feel about that. I couldnt care less. If shes unhappy, well go alone forget it, walter. In the mood youre in, i wouldnt go anywhere with you alone maude . I have something very important to do. But, maude. Wait, this is something that cant wait. Yes, im calling on behalf of ma and pa findlay. Come on, maude. All right now, you wanted spontaneity . Ill give you spontaneity. Guess what . Were going with the harmons up to that cabin. Thats about as spontaneous as gas after a mexican meal. Maude i mean, the woman is planning on an exciting, romantic weekend alone with arthur. Which in itself will be enough of a disappointment. Maude, how could you . Come on now, honey. I had nothing to dont you call yourself my best friend. Trying to ruin my weekend vivian, i had no intention oh, you interloper you dont even like rustic places. You know you hate any place away from the city. You told me once when your time comes, you want to buried in a shopping center. You listen to me, vivian you have no right to ruin my weekend. Just because you and walter might happen to be a couple of old fogies. Now wait a minute, vivian. Old fogies . Vivian, i am forgiving that remark only because it comes from an insecure bride in an aging body. Oh, an aging. Youre just jealous because together, you and walter are a hundred years old. Thats impossible. That makes arthur three. Ohh oh, yeah . well, theres your dumb old key. And theres dumb old coat. Because we dont need your dumb old cabin. Unlike some dumb old people i know, who shall remain nameless, arthur and i can find love and romance and spontaneity at home yeah well let me tell you something, Vivian Harmon our marriage is every bit as romantic and spontaneous as yours is any old day shes right, walter. Were a couple of old fogies. Right, were a couple of old fogies, but were gonna do something about it right now. Come on, maude. Lets go up to that cabin and have the time of our lives. Oh, walter. You say that, but you dont mean it. I mean it, maude i mean it im sorry, walter but after the way youve acted today, theres nothing you could say or do that would make me feel any different. . Yes, sir, thats my baby . . No, sir, i mean maybe . . Yes, sir, thats my baby now . . Yes, sir, weve decided . . No, sir, we wont hide it . Okay, okay, okay. Ill go on one condition. Whats that . That you stop singing. 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Lets have a positive attitude. Lets go out the door, and come back in again. But this time, walter, lets pretend that its the penthouse suite at the waldorfastoria. If you say so. T us in the proper romantic mood, carry me over the threshold. What . Pick me up. Pick you up . And carry me over the threshold. Well, as long as its the waldorfastoria. Bellboy come on now, walter. Okay. Okay. All right, now lift me up. Oh, oh, oh. Ahh, ahh, ahh. Come on, honey. Lift me up. Maude, theres only one way i can do this, ill have to make two trips. The abominable snowman will get you for that, walter oh. Its cold, its freezing im gonna light a fire. Oh, honey, first lets just bask in the warmth of each others body. Maude, i can light the fire very easily. Its all set up. I dont want to break this romantic mood im in. Beside, honey, ill make you forget about the cold. Mmm, very sexy, walter. What were you doing new . Shivering. I love it. A vibrating mustache. Maude, im gonna light the fire. And youll see itll be a lot more romantic. Oh. Oh, i love fireplaces. You know, honey, when i was a little girl, my grandmother had this enormous house. And your grandmother loved it . Oh yes, till she died of pneumonia. Look, honey its smoking. coughing open the door, maude the flue must be stuck wind howls my god, this is exactly the way my grandmother went got it open. door slams uhh. Come on. Sit in front of the fire. Maude. Oh, honey, isnt this wonderful . Just you and me and the fireplace. No television. No radio. I mean we can just do or say anything we want. How about that . Honey, how would you like to run around in your underwear . Maybe later. Walter, have you ever read fires . Not the book. But i saw the movie, towering inferno. Come on now, walter, you know what i mean. You can see pictures in the fire like you see see that log over there the one with the two knotholes . You know what that looks like to me, honey . Like a Shetland Pony with its mane whipping in the wind. Running across the meadow. Picking up lots of forgetmenots. Honey, what kind of pictures do you see in those blazing, crackling logs . I see a fire sale at findlays friendly appliances. Besides, nature is calling. Wheres the bathroom, honey . Oh, probably right through that door. Look, maude. There it is. Right through those trees. Its around 150 yards down that path. Oh, how quaint. I think i can hold out till monday. Maude, i love you. Oh, sweetheart, thank you. You know what were gonna do now, walter . You know what were gonna do . First, im going to unpack. Then well get into our jammies. And then we will retire. I mean, after all, lover, its getting awfully late. Yes, its five after 6 00. Come on, walter, you and i have had some very romantic moments at five after 6 00. Walter, i dont care. We are going to have fun. Walter. Inspiration inspiration . Its inspiration time. . . Its inspiration. . Now, why didnt i think of this before . Walter, a stroke of genius. What . Honey, you and i are going to take a long walk through the woods. Handinhand, under the starry sky. The snow, the wind. The sheer poetry of two souls wind howls maude im not going out there. There are bearskin rugs out there that arent rugs yet. All right, walter. You be that way. Forget romance forget all those promises you made to me about doing things on the spur of the moment. But ill tell you one thing, walter, i am still romantic enough if gods out there, hes driving to the nearest holiday inn. Oh, walter, what are we doing here . Well. Oh, dont rub it in. I know its all my fault. Oh, walter, i mean, everythings against us. The cold. This awful place. We cant be romantic here. Honey, lets go home. What do you mean, lets go home . You said i know what i said, walter. Oh, but lets face it. Were not 20 any more. Honey, i just want to be in my nice, warm house listening to your nice, warm snoring. Ohh, walter, lets be the happy old fogies we really are. And leave this godforsaken place. Hold on, maude. I admit this place is terrible. And the only reason im here is because i felt guilty because arthur stuck that stethoscope into vivians ears. And were not leaving this place. Were not moving outta this place. I may not be sir galahad. I may not even be prince charming. But i can be as romantic and exciting as anybody. Look, walter, dont give me your resume. Tell me, why are you putting these things on the floor . Lie down. On the floor . No, on the moose of course, on the floor oh, come on, walter. Dont be ridiculous. Maude, lie down. Oh, come on, walter. Maude, were gonna spend the night here bundling, cuddling. I am not going to lie down, snuggling. Walter, now dont be idiotic. Whatever they call it. Lie down, maude. Walter, walter. Maude, down really, walter. Shut up and bundle. You know, walter, youreyoure outrageous. You know, youre gorgeous. I always wanted to rough it with you. Oh, honey, you know, this is really all i ever wanted. Not the cabin. I mean, just a little attention. What do you mean . Oh, sweetheart, thats all any wife really wants, walter. Just a little more attention lly gets. You know something, maude . We could be home. Or we could be here. But its the two of us together that makes everything work. Oh, walter, we can survive anything. Why, we could spend the whole weekend here with no trouble. Weekend . We could stay here a week. A month. A year. Ten years. A lifetime. . Donny hathaway . Lady godiva was a freedom rider . Women . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She didnt care if the whole world looked . . Joan of arc with the lord to guide her . . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She was a sister who really cooked . . Ooh ooh. . As the first bra burner . . Aint you glad she showed up . . . Oh, yeah . . And when the country was fallin apart . . Betsy ross got it all sewed up . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres . . That uncompromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but tranquilizin . Hi, mother. Oh, hi, honey. Oh, hey, how was walters commercial . Whatta you mean, how was walters commercial . Its not on for another 15 minutes. You told me it was on at 2 56. Honey, 256 is my mothers flight number. I distinctly remember because 256 was the room number of the first motel walter ever took me to. It was really crummy. Down here to meet walter, hasnt it . I know. You know, she couldnt stand any of my first three husbands, which incidentally, was the only thing we ever agreed on. But i know shes going to adore walter. Then what are you so nervous about . Sweetheart, my 48yearold relationship with my mother can be summed up by those three little words im sorry, mother. Well, youre not going to have to say im sorry to her about walter. Sweetheart, would you just rub this for me a little, right here. Whats the matter . Oh, just a slight touch of motheritis. Every time i see my mother, i get a pain in the neck. Listen, mother, are you sure you shouldnt check the time . Honey, i have everything under control. In exactly six minutes, 3 59, were going to watch walters commercial, and then ill drive out to the airport to meet grandmas plane. Which is flight 256, arriving at 4 45. Something tells me that when she calls sweetheart, if there is one thing i never make a mistake on, it is time, carol. I pride myself on it. Only once did i ever get my times mixed up, well, have you got the right flight number . Caroplease, honey. I even wrote it down. Look, flight 445 arriving at 2 56 oh, my god doorbell rings dont answer the door oh, mother, im sorry, im sorry. Oh. Oh, maude, maude. Oh, my. My little girl, my dear, sweet, tardy little girl. Im sorry, mother. Im sorry i got your flight time mixed up with the arrival time and the time of now now now, not another word. I was glad to save you the trouble. Oh, i didnt mind that long, lonely trip hello, grandma. Oh, carol, darling, my beautiful little granddaughter. Oh, you are a picture of grace and beauty. Ah, you know, you remind me of me when i was your age. Oh, that satiny, soft complexion mmmand those exciting, sparkling eyes and huh huhreally stacked. Oh, grandma, you havent changed a bit. Youre a great lady. Oh, well, carol, i was brought up to recognize that good breeding consists of four qualities good manners, good carriage and good, solid yankee conservatism. Mother, thats only three. Whats the fourth . Punctuality. Hmm. Im sorry, mother. Hmm. Ill take your suitcase upstairs. Oh, thank you, dear. Ee you. Oh, bless you, darling. Well well well well, here we are. Oh, darling, you just look wonderful, but why do you have to be different . Why dont you touch up your hair like everybody else your age . Mother, i dont know, i decided years ago to just be natural, like you. clears throat oh, wewewere just going to have i hope so, dear. And im so anxious for you to meet walter. You know, weve been married for five years. Mother, its very important to me that you love him as much as i do, and i know you will. I hope so, dear. By the way, mother why didnt you call me from the airport . Well, why should i bother calling, especially when your phone was busy all morning . Oh, thats ridiculous, mother. Youre too much, berta. Oh, hold on, would you dear, while i have my afternoon tea . Heres looking at ya, berta. Mrs. Naugatuck, after you hang up and before you get fired, id like you to meet my mother. Oh, excuse me, bert. Ive got to meet mums mum. How do you do . Well, pleased to meet you. You are . And your daughter said you were hard to please. Mother, i never said that. No, no, im sure you didnt, dear. Well, i have to go in, and put on a new face. But mother, theres nothing wrong with your old one. Maude what did you think of my commercial . Oh, honey, hon im so sorry. I missed it. Oh, walter, when will it be on again . Oh, in about three minutes, right after celebrity soccer. Good, then we can all see it together. Now, listen, darling, mother arrived. Shell be out in a minute. Please, for gods sake, walter, be charming. Well well well, dont tell me. This must be walter. affected charm and youre mother chadburn. Mmhmm, yes. Charming, charming. Uh, just call me florence. Florence, what a charming, charming name. I cant get over it. You look more like maudes sister. Mother always was very young looking. Hey, mom, i brought you some candy. Oh, walter, how sweet of you. Now ill bet maude told you that i liked good candy. Well, yes, mother, i did mention it. Mother hmm, yeah. mouthing whats that . An easter bunny, walter . You bought my mother a Chocolate Easter bunny . walter they mustve given me the wrong box. Boy, that really irks me, mom, especially knowing that somebody swiped your sour balls. Walter, iuh, i understand that you own your own store. Im the 28th biggest appliance dealer in westchester county. Oh, mother, we dont want to brag, but walter is very prominent. . His own television commercial. Oh, and its going to be on any second. Well, im very impressed, walter. Aw, nothing at all. Isnt he cute . And so modest. You know, mother, originally they wanted somebody like, oh, henry fonda or Laurence Olivier to do it, you know, crowd cheering on tv. but then they realized that walter is so much more distinguished. cheering stops walter on tv wowee wallys folks, waitll you see these price tags youve got wally over a barrel. Hundreds of refrigerators, washing machines, and look at this baby the worldfamous nasarona freeze king, a hundred percent american refrigerator. Only the names japanese. Every one in the place marked down to 329. All, you say . Thats why they call me wowee wally so come on down to findlays friendly appliances. And look for the sign god love you. mother guffaws god love you . ha ha ha laughing uncontrollably walter well, i guess i dont have to ask what my wife thought, but mother chadburn, what did you think . Well, ill tell you exactly what i think, walter. Did you hear that, walter . all i wanted was for my mother to love you and respect you and be proud of you the way i am, and what do you do . You go on television and you totally, totally totally disgrace us im sorry, mother. Now, now, wait a minute, maude. I said walter was a horses patootie, but hes going to sell a million refrigerators, would you say no to a lot more money . [excited scream] you just won a Million Dollars no thanks. Nice balloons, though or no to more Vacation Days . Janet, im giving you an extra weeks vacation oh, ah. Nooo. What . No way. Who says no to more . Time warner cables all about giving you more. 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Make the switch to Liberty Mutual and see why weve been awarded highest in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. Call Liberty Mutual for a free quote today liberty stands with you . Liberty mutual insurance. Oh, well, im sure hell be pleased to know that you enjoyed the commercial. You what . You want him to be official numbers caller at the tuckahoe wide world of bingo . Oh, thats quite an honor. Yeah, well, ill tell ya, ill tell him when he comes, and thank you so much for calling, father monahan. You know, i think if it werent for bingo, half the people in the world would be atheists. Ive finished upstairs if you care to unpack. Oh, thank you, mrs. Naugatuck. Wow wee wally never knew you had legs like that. Thank you, mrs. Naugatuck. Youre welcome, but it wasnt meant as a compliment. Walter, absolutely brilliant. I just hope you were wearing shorts. Why . Well, you get a barrel with a knothole, you could be in big trouble with the f. C. C. Now, will ya cut it out, arthur . Mother regally well, how do i look . Mother, you look beautiful. Oh you see . And you say we never agree about anything. Arthur, this is maudes mother, florence chadburn. Dr. Harman. Very nice to meet you, mrs. Chadburn. Well, im delighted to meet you, doctor. I dont think shes so hard to please. I didnt say that either, mother. Im sure you didnt, dear. I think now is the perfect time for our tea. Oh. Say, those refrigerators youre advertising i could use one over at my office. Oh, sorry, arthur, i only had two and i sold them. They were my loss leaders, you know, to get people into the store. Oh, i get it, walter. Sure, its very popular in merchandising. You see, you tempt the customer with a carrot on a stick. Oh, and while youre holding the carrot, the customer gets the stick. Now, wait a minute, maude. Loss leaders are a perfectly acceptable business practice. Aw, come on, walter, you just got through telling arthur that you only had two refrigerators in the whole store. The way you sounded on your commercial, you had refrigerators coming out of your ears. Oh, maudie, loss leaders are nothing new. E way back to adam and eve. Yeah, eve got adam interested, with an apple, see, and she lured him into the garden of eden, dangling her apple. The next thing he knew, he had a whole family to support. You see, the apple was eves loss leader. Arthur, that is the single worst analogy ive have heard in my entire life. Adam and eve. Uh, napoleon and josephine . Look, arthur, we are discussing honesty in business, not sex through the ages. Sex through the ages . That reminds me. Ive got a 62yearold man waiting at the office for a vasectomy. Nice to meet you, mrs. Chadburn. That man is a surgeon . I wouldnt let him take out my garbage. You see, thats Something Else we agree on. Now, listen to me, walter. Now, wait a minute, maude. I dont want my best friend insulted, and im tired of being insulted myself. Loss leaders are a part of life. Aw. Everybody uses them, even you. Me . yes, you. Remember, maude, when we first started going together . I used to nibble on your ears, and you used to flutter and giggle and tell me i was driving you crazy . And the night we got married, dont nibble my ear. Maude, you used your lobes as loss leaders. Come on, walter. How can you compare thethe tender little traps that we women set for the men we love to your nefarious business schemes . I mean, at least ii didnt promise you six lobes, and give you two. Tsk tsk tsk. Maude what is that supposed to mean . I didnt say a word. All i said was, tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Mother, are you trying to say that you agree with walter and not with me . I never said anything of the kind. All i said was, tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Look, mother, if you have something to say, why dont you come right out and say it . Thank you, i will. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Mother, walter, youre all driving me crazy now, about those loss leaders ive listened enough you dont like my ethics. Mrs. Naugatuck doesnt like my legs now, maude, listen to me for a minute. I think youve married the right man. Hes a real gogetter. Who practices deceptive advertising. Oh, well, now, youve got to grow up, maude. Its like Walter Cronkite says, every night on the 7 00 news, thats the way it is. Is is my problem i would really apprec im sorry, mother. Im sorry. I promised myself that no matter what you said, i was not going to fight with you, and i am not. Hmm, well, im glad, because i promised the same thing. I distinctly remember saying to myself, florence, darling, youre not going to fight with that little girl of yours, even though youre standing out here at the airport freezing to death, in her warm, comfortable home thinking up excuses for not meeting you. Please, mother, i told you it was a mixup it could happen to anyone it could, but it didnt. There were 25 mothers out there at that airport, being met by 25 daughters, not one of them mine. I suppose you counted. What else did i have to do . Ou please stop making me feel guilty because i missed your plane . oh, i would never dream of making any daughter of mine feel guilty no matter how negligent she is. Mother, i was not negligent. Then why are you feeling guilty . Because youre my mother, and i am your daughter and it goes with the territory. I thought you two werent going to argue please, carol, this is between me and my mother. Mother, i am trying i said, butt out, carol mother, youre impossible thats no way to talk to your mother. And thats no way to talk to your daughter. Now, shes not a child. Shes a mature, intelligent adult. Look, mother, would you mind butting out . Just now. Thats no way to talk to your mother. Dont tell your mother how to talk to her mother carol is right. Now, she should be able to speak to you but as an equal, well, the way yyou and i talk to each other. Oh, come on, mother oh, butt out, maude and listen. Sorry, mother. Mmhmmhmm. Now, carol has no need for your approval about anything. She is grownup, and she can speak her own mind. Shes right. Mother mmhmm. Im sorry, carol. Aw, mother, you dont have to apologize to me. I owe you an apology. No, you dont. Thats the way youre going to get an apology whether you want it or not. Have no frustrations. The hell you dont. The hell i do. Mother maude, you do have frustrations. Maude i do not you do too all right, all right all right, all right, mother. Get it off your chest. Hmhmm. Tell me, what is my frustration . Your husband. If you really loved him, you would stand beside him and guide him. How, mother . Through the night with a light from above . Look at me. I stood behind your father no matter how much i disapproved. Which was practically all of the time. For 40 long years, i stood beside that man, biting my tongue, but i adored that man. And that, mother, is your definition of love, my husband, right or wrong . Absolutely. Your definition of love, then youre a horses patootie. God will get you for that. Ill take my chances. You know, i ought to spank ow, oh, you know, maude, that you ever turned on me. I know, mother. And, you know, i cant tell you how good it feels, but believe me, mother, this is going to lead to a better relationship, like the one i have with carol. I hope so, mother. But maude, you should have met me at the airport. Im sorry, mother. Mother m sorry, maude. I took a long walk, and did a lot of thinking about the things you said. Im not sure i agree with them, but if they upset you that much, then they bother me too. I called the agency, and told them to put on my other commercial, the one with dignity. My names walter findlay. Im the president , president of findlays friendly appliances. The first lady, you can fool all of the people some of the time, and you can fool some of the people, all of the time, but you cant fool all of the people all of the time. That does it walter, get me the phone book. Who do you wanna call