As to invite walter to our Anniversary Party when you knew very well id invited maude . Hello laughs , you twit laughter twit . Yes. Lovely party misses harmon. [vivian] oh oh, your rumpus room looks ever so festive. Well, thank you misses naugatuck and i do appreciate your coming over to help us this evening but if youll excuse me just now, im having a fight with my twit. laughter he just informed me that he invited you mean that neither Mister Findlay nor misses findlay know the other ones coming . [vivian] exactly, twit mister harmon, you really are a twit. laughter oh, poor maude, shes gonna be so embarrassed. Serves her right. Hi there, doris. Hi, doris. If she hadnt insisted on running for the state senate against walters wishes, laughter arthur, she only wants a career, a chance to grow and be somebody. Why does she have to grow and be somebody . Why cant she be like you . laughter the wife of a twit attention are you eligible for medicare . 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Like dental and vision care. All at a price you can afford. We help find the right plan for you. And we do it at no cost. There were so many benefits i wasnt taking advantage of. Healthmarkets can find me the right plan. And their service doesnt cost a cent. When i try shopping on my own, i get nowhere fast. Healthmarkets takes away the confusion. Too often i see my patients paying more than they need to because they dont know what theyre entitled to. Make sure you have what you need to get the care if you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. Call a licensed healthmarkets agent now. Call now. Call this number by the deadline. And let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you without cost or obligation. Call now. Dearest friends in the whole world, viv and doctor arthur harmon. This is bob myers, senator bob myers. He jogs five miles everyday, 10 on sunday. After church of course. Isnt that fascinating . A religious healthnut. laughter [bob] doctor. [arthur] senator. K you misses harmon. Maybe youre right arthur, maybe they do make out. laughter hey senator, what are all those funny xs on top of your head . Oh, im glad you asked oh arthur, those arent xs, those are hair. Those are Hair Transplants that the senator has had sewn to his scalp, at great personal pain to him. For the old charisma you know . As if he needed it. A man in his physical condition. Never, ever coughed in his entire life. [vivian] really . Except of course during his annual physical checkups. laughter hey senator, how much did those transplants run you in washington . Ill bet those d. C. Bandits charged you 50 a follicle laughter laughs oh, senator pay no attention to my twitty old husband. laughter pussycat, dont you think you better watch your drinking . Yeah i better, i just took my eye off it and its empty already. laughter hey fuzzy, come on ill buy you one. [bob] all right, i think ill have a republican drink. How do you make a republican drink . Elect a democrat. laughter do you know that he does 200 push ups every night before he goes to sleep . Ill bet. Maude, come here just a minute, ive got to tell you something. Me to tell you [judy] screams ouch, my toe oh judy, im sorry, how is that toe . You know i havent seen you since you accidentally shot yourself at the gun control assembly. Hi, maude. [vivian] maude, maude, now, now. laughter [maude] susan. [vivian] hi, susan. You know vivian, senator bob has been mentioned rse candidate for the democratic president ial nomination. Really . Right behind kennedy and jackson and muskie and harris and mumbles . Oh, for goodness sakes. And carter and humphrey and vincent and wallace and montgomery. Oh, thats fasc askew, and sanford and brown and mccarthy and assemblyman julius wine mumbles maude come on now, thats not important. Listen, i listen, arthur invited walter here tonight. [maude] walter . [vivian] walter maude, your walter. Well, i certainly didnt think you meant misses cronkites walter. laughter oh, i love him. Walter is coming here . [vivian] yes. This is really great this is really great vivian [vivian] im sorry, im sorry. I know how upset you are maude. Hell just absolutely die vivian, do you think im interested in making walter jealous . Its my life were talking about vivian. This isnt some 1940 movie. Hey, Walter Findlay, you old son of a gun oh, oh no, hes here, now thats walter, walters here, walters here, walters vivian, vivian, theres no need to panic. Ill simply just get lost in the crowd, he probably wont even notice me. Hing. The man whos coming in is walter. Norman [norman] walter, how are you . Norman. [norman] nice to see you. Norman, this is kathy rivers. This is norman johnson. [kathy] hi. How are you . [norman] nice to meet you. What a crazy rumpus room, it looks like the ladies lounge at trader vics. laughter isnt she sensational . what do you think of him, bob . [bob] oh, hes all right. I think he brought his daughter. [bob] does he have a niece . Yes. I think he brought his niece. She better be three years old. laughter applause oh, good evening Mister Findlay. [walter] misses naugatuck. Ill pass, you walter . I dont drink kathy, i have a problem. Im a reformed alcoholic. Thats cool, i dig men whove gone through torment. laughter isnt that nice . Misses findlays been married to four of those so far. laughter vivian, arthur, happy anniversary [vivian and arthur] oh, thank you very much. I want you to meet kathy. Hi, hello you isnt she sensational . I told you, i told you. Walter listen, i arthur, its okay. Kathy, i want to introduce you to a great lady. Hello maude. Walter, i had no idea. laughter how are you . Very well, thank you walter. Maude, walter, well, look whos not here with each other. Kathy, this is my wife. Was my wife. Kathy rivers, Walter Findlay, this is senator bob myers. He jogs 20 miles a day. laughter walter, maude tells me that youre in appliances. You know my staff has been doing a survey and id like your opinion. Which is the best hair dryer . laughter e separated, were living apart. Were going to have a divorce but were still very good friends. Oh i think thats really wholesome, it really is. You know, walter and i live in the same building, but we just met a couple of hours ago in the elevator. The elevator . He havent even discussed living together. laughter you havent even discussed living with each other and youve known each other for. Oh, you must feel terribly rejected. laughter hey, its really super the way youre so upfront with your hostility. laughter i can really, i can really get into that, because im, i believe in total honesty. You know i believe in total honesty too. Hubba hubba. laughter hubba, hubba . Thats 1945 for far out. laughter misses findlay, since were really being honest with each other, why did you and walter split up . Kathy, if i leveled with you, can you handle an honest, gut level answer . And found him in bed with a horse. laughter now, while i firmly believe that it is nobodys business what two consenting mammals do in the privacy of their own home hey lady, youve got a lot to learn about being honest. Listen honey, when you are 49, with a face lift behind you and ill be honest with you. applause you two have a nice talk . Oh, groovy. Yeah, extraordinarily groovy. Oh walter, can i have your keys . I left my organic wine in the car. Organic wine is all i drink. Smart. Maude . [maude] yes, walter . Oh, nothing. Look, you two must have a lot to talk youve been seeing a lot of the senator . Oh no look walter, just because the man jogs 35 miles a day is nobody elses business. He simply is helping me out with my campaign. Well he just doesnt seem your type. But then, politics makes strange bed fellows. laughter so does your elevator. laughter hey, come on maude. Theres no reason to be jealous. Look, i dont wanna start any of this. [walter] maude . [maude] walter i walter, just because we meet this way, you, the mouseketeer maude laughter i mean, now youre insanely jealous because im here with this terribly attractive senator who jogs 50 miles a day. laughter youre talking about the american bald eagle over there . laughter look whos talking about hair. Whats wrong with my hair . I paid 20 bucks for this hairstyling. Its called the napoleon cut. laughter plause come on now walter, stop making a fool of yourself. Oh, maude if i wanna wear my hair this way, ill wear it this way. If i wanna wear my hair this way, ill wear it this way. If i want to wear my hair this way, ill wear it this way. Look at this 20 bucks right down the drain laughter dont tell me about humiliation, t here . Oh my dear misses naugatuck, why are you crying . Im so happy to see the findlays together. distant arguing john, were giving you a raise. Thats fantastic but im gonna pass. Are you ok . Honey, you got another present. No thank you, dad. Who says no to more . Time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. Like ultrafast speeds up to 300 megs. Thats 50x faster than dsl. This Internet Speed is sick. Get 50 meg internet starting at 39. 99 a month. Call now. And with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. G reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. Youll also get our exclusive 1hour arrival window, a moneyback guarantee, and theres no contract to sign. Plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi . Hotspots nationwide. Would rex pass up more beef stew . I dont think so. To do tonight was upset you, because i love you and i miss you. Oh walter, thats exactly the way i feel. Then why are we apart . Walter, i keep asking myself that same question, why are we apart, why are we doing this to each other . Why is walter so unreasonable . laughter me . Oh walter, for once in my life, ive been asked to do something worthwhile, something important and what do you do . You walk out on me i didnt walk out maude, you drove me out. I drove you out . Walter, i asked you to come to albany with me, what about my life here . And how about my life, walter . You know maude, i cant go on with this any more. I mean no matter how hard i try, it always ends up the same. Theres no sense talking to you. Theres no sense talking to me, walter . Theres no sense talking about us to save our marriage . But remember this walter, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. laughter gasps viv, viv, viv, how long has walter been off the wagon . Him to drain that glass. Please let go, vivian, i have to help him. No, youre too upset now, mumbles arthurs with him. Please, i could not never face myself if i didnt at least try, viv walter, pal listen, alcohol has poisoned you. What do you think youre doing . Arthur. Maude, Perfect Piece of poetry. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. No, no, not at all. laughter Mister Findlay . Yes, misses findlay . Or should i say exmisses findlay . Or semi exmisses findlay . Walter, what are you doing . What does it look like, im wetting my whistle. Would you like me to wet yours . Walter, lets talk about it. Oh go sit in your seat in the senate. Walter, how can i help you if we dont talk . You cant. Eh, that suddenly makes me feel good. Telling you theres something you cant do, because you think you can do everything. [maude] no, i dont. Yes, you do maude, everything you know, like run for office, move to albany, live without me. Walk around with a dry whistle. laughter walter, it hasnt been proven that i can live without you. Ll write to my senator. And until youre elected, leave me alone, okay . Hey kathy, kathy lets go some place and play whiffle ball. Whiffle ball, hey, thats heavy. Happy anniversary to all and to all a good night hey, i didnt know you were a whiffle baller. laughter hey maudie, im going with, with walter, he needs me to take care of him. Arthur, youre not in such great shape yourself. Vivian, i am a medical doctor. I have an extremely high tolerance for alcohol. laughter oh maude, dont worry. laughter . lyrics why i am . Nobody knows . laughter . How dry i am . The whole neighborhood knows. I always thought those people like music. Hey, i wonder what happened to kathy . You lost her in a whiffle ball game. But her shoe is still amongst us. Hey arthur, where did you get that . Kathy let me try it on. But i forgot to try it off. laughter i always said, you were a spiffy dresser. Yeah. I think this is it. Is that an eight or a three . Thats a five. laughter then this is it. Oh walter, i really love this bachelor pad you got here, you know. sings on the sheet of passing mumbles . Up here with the young chicks, huh . Do you lure them up here with your tight hip, hugger slacks . Huh, do you turn the lights down low and then when youre kissing them up, do they whisper those sweet, new things in your ear . Thank heaven, that means he got home all right. You know he always leaves his key in the lock, even when hes sober. Its a bad habit, you know like some people crack their knuckles or clean their ears with a pencil, which incidentally, walter does too. laughter are you all right . Look, im just going to take the keys, drop them off in there, make sure if you dont mind, bob. whispers okay, sure. Oh, he is such a. laughter applause well, at least when he took her to bed he wanted her to be as tall as i am. laughter . She didnt care if the whole world looked. . Joan of arc, with the lord to guide her, . She was a sister who really cooked. . Isadora was a first bra burner. ya glad she showed up . . And when the country was falling apart, . Betsy ross got it all sewed up. . And then theres maude. . Right on maude . [carol] mother . Mother, where are you . [nell] mrs. Findlay mrs. Findlay where could she be . Its seven oclock in the morning. [nell] i dont know. Bed hasnt been slept in. Was when she came in at two oclock this morning. You were up at two oclock this morning . Oh, i just happened to be here at the bar. She had a date with senator myers last night. Did he bring her home . Yes, but they were so late that your mother suggested he stayed over. I made up the sofa for him in the den. Must be so depressed. . lyrics [maude] i am woman, hear me roar. laughter maude singing mother. Mother. Mother, ever since you decided to run for the state senate and walter walked out on you, youve been so upset. Carol, honey, it doesnt matter. And found walter in bed with. Carol, walter and i are finished, over, through. So ive decided to paint the entire house. singing [carol] mother, come on, lets have some coffee mother. I love this color. I found it in the garage. Its the new me, carol. Bold, independent, sort of a brash olive at five oclock from the hospital. It seems hed gotten an emergency call on his beeper, isnt that amazing . And he had no sooner removed one rubber glove than his beeper beeped again, and guess what he removed then . The other rubber glove he left in the first patient. No. No. An appendix, from a complete stranger. Oh, he is such a sight. Look, vivian, i am very sorry. I am terribly, terribly [nell] oh, ill have this sponged off in a jiffy, senator. An old bath robe of mr. Findlays in the cupboard there. I spilled coffee on his pants, and hes got an important event in washington this afternoon. Nothing hurts a senators credibility more than wet pants. laughter mother, what are you looking for . Oh, that italian phrase i was going to use at the daughters of italy luncheon this afternoon. Its ah, Buona Fortuna e Buon Mangiare a tutti, and it means good luck and good eating to all. Buona fortuna, oh, how am i going to remember that, carol . Ill just, ill have to say, viva la poppee. Mother, i think you should skip campaigning for today. Please, carol, carol, i dont want to hear anymore. I mean, why dont you just get off my back. You wanna know why . Yes, i do. Because youre my mother, and i love you. Oh, honey, im so sorry. Oh, carol, when i walked into that apartment last night with senator bob and found walter in bed with that. After only three weeks of separation, and the fact that hes drinking again just kills me. Oh, carol, i love walter so much, and i hate him. [vivian] ah, ah, ah, excuse me. Ah, i have just remembered something that i have to do in my own home. laughter when you started. Career versus marriage never is. Walter isnt against my career, carol. Hes against my career in albany. You know, selling the store and just dragging along. Will you stop defending him . And stop assuming all the guilt . Look, walter walked out on you because of an inconvenience to him. Oh, come on, carol mother, yes, its a severe inconvenience, the one who refuses to even compromise. And the whole time, hes carrying around this big banner that says, if you dont do it my way, maude, 100 percent, then you dont love me. Well, walter has to meet you half way, doesnt he . I mean he has to give a little. I mean, isnt that what an honest relationship is all about . You know, carol, theres something ive been wanting something. Something i feel i can tell you now. What . Buona fortuna e Buon Mangiare a tutti. laughter cathy . Listen, about last night, cathy. You see, i really love my wife. Cathy, please, cathy, wake up. laughter laughter thank god, arthur, its you. Walter . Oh, right. Ahhhh oh boy. Im such a stupid jerk. Drinking again after two years. Arthur, whats this . Huh . Thats cathys shoe. [walter] what happened to the rest of her . I dont know, maybe we drank her. No, i remember now. Just before she called us drunken bums thank heavens i thought to call vivian when i woke at five this morning. I told her i was at the hospital, operating. I think i gotta freshen up. Yeah, good luck, ill make some breakfast. Breakfast . Whatll you have, chili or tuna fish . laughter dumb Walter Findlay, door knock you dumb, stupid idiot, Walter Findlay. Vivian, what are you doing here . Nevermind that. Ive just been to see maude, and youll be glad to know that shes just sick over what youve done. Just sick you know, you could learn a lesson from arthur. While you were out carousing around with that teenage twinkie, do you know where arthur was . At the hospital, removing gall bladders and appendixes and all kinds of icky little things. Oh my god, shes still here. I dont wanna see her, i dont wanna see her her, who . I refuse to be exposed to that tramp who spent the night here last night. Vivian my god, the two of you shared her. Was the only one with something to worry about. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Maude . What does she know about this . Oh, she was so worried about you, she came over here last night and found you in bed with that young lady. Vivian, that was no lady. That was your husband. laughter cathy didnt come home with us. Oh, maude. Oh, maude thought i was in bed with. [arthur] now walter, listen. Why do i do everything wrong . Why do i have to hurt her . I deserve to be kicked like a dog laughter you actually did it. Now you go over and apologize to her this minute. She actually did it. You actually kicked him. Vivian, im ashamed of you. Is that all you men are good for . Ckle, fickle, go sit on a pickle. Now just one moment, vivian. I woke up here at five in the morning. I didnt know where i was. I smelled a lot of alcohol, and i just assumed i was in a hospital. laughter vivian hissing [walter] im seeing maude. I have to be calm and rational. laughter you didnt read your Car Insurance policy. You just stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. Ruck. Does your policy cover the cost of a tow truck . Who knows . You didnt read it. You cant even find it. The Liberty Mutual app with coverage compass . Makes it easy to know what youre covered for and what youre not. Call Liberty Mutual for a free quote today at coverage compass . Gives you the policy information you need at a glance. Available 24 7 on your mobile device. Switch to Liberty Mutual and you could save up to 509. Call thats liberty stands with you . Liberty mutual insurance. Maude, i would be no more unfaithful to you laughter ha ha ha, this is really funny. I mean, no sooner do you use the word unfaithful than out comes senator bob from our den wearing your bathrobe and without his trousers. I mean, its true that i have a perfectly good excuse, just the way you did, but, ha, ha, what a riotous coincidence. I spent the night with a man, and so did you. laughter thats not funny, walter. Ill drink to that. [maude] walter, listen walter [senator] now walter, i know what this looks like, but its walter, senator bob spent the night in the den on the sofa. Mrs. Naugatuck accidentally spilled some coffee on his trousers, thats all. I mean, you certainly dont think that theres anything going on between bob and me. I mean, come on, walter, thats silly. I mean, thats crazy. I mean alright, youve made your point your trousers are out in the kitchen. I dont like that guy. Oh come on, walter, why must you drink . Who wouldnt wanna drink . Look what you put me through with your dumb campaign. I mean, but i must realize that a big time politician like Maude Findlay doesnt have any time to feel guilty oh come on, walter, thats bull, and you know it. Walter, any honest relationship calls for give and take. Cant you give a little, walter . Maude, when youre up in albany, making life better for everybody, just remember a smalltime appliance dealer back in tuckahoe every once in awhile because thats one life you really fouled up. Walter, please dont. Walter, please. Leave me alone. Please, walter, please. You win. Ill quit the race. But i have to honest with you, walter. Itll be a long time before i set down anything gently in this house. Ah, maude, thats how you feel now, but youll get over it. Youll see, well work it out. Oh, vivian and arthur, shes staying home, and so am i. Lets celebrate. Ill get some ice and fix you a drink. Maude, really . If i dont, walterll drink himself to death. Oh, but vivian, it is so unfair. It is so damned unfair. Maudie, listen. Youre making a big mistake. Arthur, a bloody mary. No thanks, walter. Remember, walters an alcoholic, maudie. Youre not responsible for that. You have got to detach yourself with love, because if he wants to drink, hell find an excuse no matter what you do. [maude] arthur, in my head, i know that, but in my heart, i love him. I cant see him just end up in the gutter. Ill just go in and break the news to senator bob. [walter] great. Well walter, i guess this solves your problem. Maude made her decision. And what do you think of her decision . I think it sucks scissors. I won won . Won what . Happiness through blackmail . You know, youre like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. Everybody has to give in to Walter Findlay because hes an alcoholic. I dont like you very much right now, walter. [carol] mother, mother, come on. Lter [walter] hey carol, i got something to tell you. No later, mother has to watch herself on tv. Where is she . [walter] in the kitchen. [carol] mother mother, come on, everybody. Mrs. Naugatuck, come on, come on. [carol] its time for good morning, tuckahoe. [newscaster] you were quoted as saying that even though youre running for the state senate, you have your eye on the presidency. Oh no, no, no, i was misquoted. No, what i said was, i have my eye on the president. Have you gaining rapidly on your opponent for the democratic primary, james kunkle. How would you explain that . Very simply, the emergence of women in our society, for as new woman magazine so aptly puts it, jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and jill went on to complete the assignment, much to the great admiration of her employer, far exceeding the expectations of all those who assumed she had no capacity. [carol] ah, i love it. I love it. [newscaster]. Run for political office. Are you happier this way . How can you define happiness . Its a feeling that we women have for each other have ever been before. By free i mean free to do and to be whatever we want. Its so exciting. Oh mother, youre marvelous. [maude] i love the life that i led before i entered the race. I loved being a homemaker, i loved raising a child, and id like to think that i was successful at it. But i dont know, now i, i have a chance to achieve isnt that a marvelous word . Because, i dont know, if you dont strive, then the door to life remains forever shut, and that person just wanders through the rest of her life wondering what might have happened if she had walked through, you know . And i walked through. I can never regret that. [newscaster] now, lets ask a few practical questions. Do you believe in higher taxes for the state . [maude] oh, in the matter of taxes, id like to quote something from a speech i made just last week. The matter of higher taxes is one that everyone would like to avoid. Ah, gives me goose bumps. But i think. Maude, what are you doing . Fixing your breakfast. Maude, you were wonderful on that tv show. Youre lighting up that whole screen. Ive never seen you so alive, so vibrant, so damned happy. Would you like bacon with your eggs . Yes. You got it. Maude, i know when im up against something that i shouldnt fight. You mean you dont want the bacon. Will you Pay Attention to me . I said, you win. Run for the state senate. Look walter, is this some kind of a joke . Im serious, maude, i want you to run. You mean to tell me youve changed your mind in two and a half minutes . Maude, i need you. Its not because of the booze. I beat that before, and ill beat it again. Maude, i need you because i so dreadfully miss you. Look walter, maude, sit down and listen to me. [maude] honey, are you sure . Maude, you sit down and listen to me. [maude] i think you should. Maude i mean, id rather have a parttime wife whos happy than a fulltime wife whos. Listen, if i learned to live with federal income tax, i can learn to live with a state senator, though both ideas depress me. Oh walter, i mean, after all this time, and all this arguing, how can i be sure that you mean this . You really do mean it . walter nods walter, stand. Oh, i love you, i love you