We have to do the commercial . George carlin will be out in a moment. Ana obregon will join us. [ applause ] stay with us. You didnt read your Car Insurance policy. You just stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. Until a dump truck hit your pickup truck and now you need a tow truck. Does your policy cover the cost of a tow truck . Who knows . You didnt read it. You cant even find it. Makes it easy to know what youre covered for and what youre not. Call Liberty Mutual for a free quote today at coverage compass . Gives you the policy information you need at a glance. Available 24 7 on your mobile device. Switch to Liberty Mutual and you could save up to 509. Call liberty stands with you . Liberty mutual insurance. My next guest you all know. George is one of the most funniest guys working today. Hes just published a new book called sometimes a little brain damage can help. [ laughter ] would you welcome George Carlin . [ applause ] [ music ] how you doing . Thank you. Nice to see you. I havent been here in about six months, so ive got a few things stored up i wanted to mention to you, so id like ta with the meditation tonight if you dont mind. Any new business . Anybody with real needs . [ laughter ] its just johnny. Johnny will be in charge of real needs tonight. [ laughter ] we missed a couple of holidays together, and we just had a recent holiday, and i just wanted to make sure that everyone had a really nice, happy halloween. I like halloween. Dont you . Halloween is fun. We did something a little different this year. Were kind of on a health kick at our house, and when the kids came around trick or treating. Instead of giving them candy we gave them a vitamin b12 shot. Yeah. It takes two people. One to hold the kid. The other one to give him the shot. [ laughter ] give them a handful of zinc tablets, and send them on their way. You know. [ laughter ] also thanksgiving has come and gone since i saw you last, and again. We did something a little bit different. We didnt have turkey this year. We had a seagull. [ laughter ] you ever have them . Theyre nice. Theyre a little fishy, you know, but [ laughter ] great thing about a seagull. You dont have to add too much salt. [ laughter ] by the way, have you not [ laughter ] also easter rhymes with keister. [ laughter ] however, nothing rhymes with nostril. I figured that stuff all alone. [ laughter ] hey. Im feeling fairly good. I like to keep hurrying here because i never know which one of these things are going to die. [ laughter ] but i did have kind of a good day. A lot of comedians will tell you that. I had a really good day. I found some macaroni and cheese this morning that i lost about a year and a half ago. Everything has happened prior to now . [ laughter ] well, this is the kind of stuff i think of when im walking home alone backwards. [ laughter ] also how come there are no b batteries . [ laughter ] it bothers me. I think kleenex should have targets in them. Dont you . Would that be nice . [ laughter ] look, dan. A 50. [ applause ] thats what we need. Right. Superman never pulls up for a landing . He jumps out a window like that. He flies like this, but he never goes woah. [ laughter ] also the lone ranger in tanto never got their laundry done. [ laughter ] just something i noticed on my own. By the way, for those of you interested in foreign languages. The german word for blue is blue or Something Like that. You notice every now and then the news they have nothing to say, and they say, by the way, mickey mouse is 50. I dont care. [ laughter ] i dont care, and i dont want to hear when hes 60. Dont tell me. Just dont bother. I hope he dies. [ laughter ] i hope mickey dies. Im glad i said it finally. Wow. Man. Hey. Im doing rodney. [ laughter ] have you noticed [ applause ] have you noticed when you have a hat on for a long time it feels like its not there, and then when you take it off it feels like its still there. Okay. All right. Okay. [ applause ] lets hear it for scotch tape. Huh . Yay. Yay. A lot of great stuff. Hey. Did you ever [ laughter ] did you ever picture a place you havent been to like somebody tells you about their house, but youve never been there, so you form a mental picture, and then when you go there. You see its different, and then later on that week when you think of their house. Do you think of your version, its your choice. [ laughter ] wouldnt show business be great if everybody had their original teeth . Thats what id like to see. All that weird you know, some people really probably got some bad teeth, and sometimes you can tell. You know what i do . I watch the actors, and usually the caps end here, and theyve got yellow all back here. [ laughter ] yellow on the bottom. I look for that. Thats what i do when im home alone, and the television is broken. [ laughter ] did you ever eat two chickens in the same day . Sometimes you do. Cant help it. Sometimes at lunch you have a chicken sad then you go to someones house that evening, and they have chicken. Do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other . [ laughter ] did you ever notice in a hotel they give you a sewing kit. You know what i do . Sew the towels together. [ laughter ] i dont care. I dont care. Its like juliet said to romeo. Get your hands off of me. [ laughter ] hey. Is this going out . Only the good parts. Okay. Going straight to their homes. I hope. Jeez. I keep thinking its tuesday. Im sorry, man. Hey. If you want to have a little fun. [ laughter ] if you want to have a little fun. Go to miss magazine. Go to the main offices of miss magazine, and say, hey. Any of you gals like to come home, and cook me a nice meal . [ laughter ] speaking of women, by the way. You guys when youre trying to pick up a lady. When you ask for her phone number, and it starts with five five five. [ laughter ] speaking of women as i was the last two things i mentioned. Ive never made it with a ten, but one night i made it with five twos. [ laughter ] [ applause ] listen. By the way, they found another gabor sister. Harpo. [ laughter ] listen. You want to have a little fun . Harmonize with the dial tone. You ever do that . You dont have a lot to do. Pick up the phone, and go you go [ laughter ] get everybody in your office tomorrow on the extensions and go [ laughter ] well, i think thats about it for me. I just wanted to mention one thing to you. Remember. Youre never alone. You always have yourself. Good night. See you later. [ music ] [ applause ] two chickens knew each other. Well be back. [ music ] [ applause ] hello, there. Thank you, doc. Were talking with author this used to be in the latter part of the show. Fit spot. So its fitting right in here. This book is weird, george. Thank you, john. And funny. Weird and funny. The book club. Well, yeah. This is i have my own copy here if you dont mind. These are subtitles of books youre thinking of these are books that are being offered right now. If you join now you get all these books free. Uh huh. Where to bring a short woman. [ laughter ] never trust a nun with a gunshot wound. [ laughter ] how to make a flagpole out of a basketball. Right. How to remove a cyst [ laughter ] adopting the dead. Very nice. Yeah. A complete list of everyone who enjoys coffee. [ laughter ] you can have a career in salt. How to get through College Without a pencil. [ laughter ] are these things that happened when you feel bad at night, or late in the early in the morning. Yeah. As i say. When the tv is broken, and i sit down with my pen and pencil. No pad. Just a pen and pencil. [ laughter ] pull out your hair, and sing. Yes. Fast. See i think people have to be sitting there, and they sort of grow. Youve got five in a row, and then you sort of fall out of your chair. [ laughter ] what else do we got here . This is to be hoped. Other books. I didnt see that. Oh. Those are ones that i wrote myself. The history of music in iowa. Yes. [ applause ] six ways oh, i cant read that one. There are so many here that a just a little earthy. Okay. [ laughter ] as they say. Heres one. Eat, run, stay fit, and die anyway. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the wrong underwear can kill. True. [ laughter ] how to filet a panda. [ laughter ] when to let your bowels go crazy. [ laughter ] i mean, what is this . Some people need guidance on these things. [ laughter ] then we have a feature here, johnny. In the future these are some things which are you know, according to scientists these things will probably occur. You want to be careful on a couple of these, too, by the way. Yeah. I have to read these very quickly to make sure. In the future ill try ill start you with one here. A huge fee at birth, and then pretty much leave them alone. [ laughter ] thatll cut out the middleman right there. Yeah. Absolutely. I like that. In the future vegetables will grow so large they will have to be eaten right at the farm. [ laughter ] these are the kind of things when you are a kid. They had the in the future man will control the weather with a large hammer. [ laughter ] no one will take drugs, but people will still buy them, and carry them around. [ laughter ] american businessmans credo. Youve got a lot of things in here. Yeah. Well, its a lot of its stuff you know what it really amounts to, johnny. I saw me in here. Oh, yeah. Youre on the page of i saw myself in here on predictions. Celebrity predictions. Don ho will change his name to ho don. [ laughter ] Johnny Carson will stop getting married, but will continue to get divorced. [ laughter ] youve got to do your reading. Continue to get divorced. Paul newman will give up race driving, and hitch hike across the country in a pirate costume. Just things that came out of the file. You know, and i decided one day to get them together. News from around the world. Oh. Ive got something for you, john, that might even be a little more attractive to you than that. This is called as soon as he found it, he said. Well, i aint going to worry about it now. Things you never see. Really interesting twins. [ laughter ] a guy who snorts iron ore. [ ht a bum with nice luggage. [ laughter ] heres things youll never see. A lore intestine donor. Right. [ laughter ] i go right for the weirdos. And 80 year old woman with a well coordinated wardrobe. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we got him. Oh, thats funny. Anyway. George carlin. Sometimes a little brain damage can help. Well, doing a lot of things in real life, but, you know off that path a little bit. Were very interested in charities. As you know ive been working a lot with the malibu home for the unimportant. [ laughter ] were trying to get a new group together called vasectomies for the unwilling. [ laughter ] also the yelling and screaming clinic. I suppose. Oh, yes. Theyre right next door. You just move them from one building into the next. Youre not into the one i donate to. Whats that . The polish home for unwed bowlers is apparently large. [ laughter ] thats something id like to get tied into if i could. You know, were interested in the squat people of america are starting to reach out. The squat people. Squat. You know how they say a guy whos short and squat. Yeah. Well, there are squat people apparently, and theres a new move to hire the squat. [ laughter ] their slogan is, were squat. So what . [ laughter ] so what . Good. Good. Catchy. Pithy. Right to the point. Also people who have wet daydreams. Theres a new support group for that. [ laughter ] wet daydreams. New support group. A lot of support groups out here in california. You know, you have theres a suicide group. By the way, we have three openings. [ laughter ] couldnt get the call through obviously. Yes. And the coalition for better pancakes. Ive been working with them. You like pancakes. Pancakes are International House of pancakes is an interesting organization. The International House the International House of salt and pepper. I dont get to too often. Thank god. I think ill have a little of this. Do you do you invest in other things other than just show business, or ive been ive been you know, ive been [ deleted ]. Most entertainers are not [ laughter ] well put, i think. Yes. Well put. I had so many i had to write them down. Paine webber had that before. Dont get lost. Right. Ive had some bad business. I am into something nice now. Its a lightbulb that only shines on things you really want to see. [ laughter ] otherwise it doesnt go on at all. And youll be interested in this, ed. This is a new kind of a combination new years hat, [ laughter ] just reverse the elastic. [ applause ] right. Good. Inflatable tuxedos for weddings at sea. [ laughter ] toupees with ear laps. [ laughter ] never been done. Thats the new look in west la. Yeah. And black dandruff for people with gray hair. [ laughter ] good moves. Well be right back. Stay with us. [ applause ] thank you, george. Youre funny as usual. Thank you. Very funny, and original. I have one. Maybe you could help me with this. I think i mentioned it. Your mind would pick up on this. If you tell a joke yeah. And theres no one around to hear it. Is it funny . Ill be back in six months to let you know. Yeah. Those things three in the forest. Real zen like. Yeah. Anyway. Where are you headed for . And ill be home in about an hour. [ laughter ] okay. Wait till he gets home, and then call 818. Your area code has probably been changed, too. Sometimes a little brain damage helps. [ music ] thank you for being here. Ana obregon will be with us tomorrow night. Thank you. Well see you tomorrow. [ applause ] . Moon river wider than the nile . My brothers name is lyle . Okay . Lowell, could you cut that out . Oh, im sorry joe, its just the lyrics, uh, joe, something very important has come up and i need the afternoon off. Whats wrong, are you okay . I wanna go to the circus. audience laughing the circus . Well, fay all our regular flights are booked. We have a charter this afternoon. Theres all this paperwork. Ill give you a moment to think it over. Joe, you better give her what she wants. Never underestimate the lure of the bigtop. The smell of that little car when all 17 clowns pile out. Lowell, how would you know wrong place, wrong time, nuf said. audience laughing well, whatve you decided . Well, fay, i just cant let you have the afternoon off to go to the circus. Okay, i understand. I quit. Whats going on . Im 62 years old and ive never been to the circus. Whats going on is i want to go to the circus and joe wont let me. Hey, hey, hey, dont blame him, it is a school night. Brian, look, youre not helping. Fay just quit because i wouldnt let her go. Well, no, its really not just about the circus. I mean, ive been thinking about it for months. Im not getting any younger and there are a lot of things i wanna do, like go on a cruise. Maybe take a few classes. No, i need more than a vacation. Ive been working since i was 20 and i just think it may be the right time for me to retire. No way, no way, you cant retire. But brian, my minds made up. No, i mean, on what we pay you there is no way you can retire. I cant believe this, fay. Youve been here from the beginning. Remember, we started with nothing. It was just you and me and now look at us. Its you, me and brian. Without you, Company Picnics will be really dull. To make you change your mind . No, im afraid not. Its time for me to move on with my life. I dont know what to say. Were gonna miss you. Fay, listen, a few tips about going to the circus. Get there early to avoid the crowds. Dont fill up on cotton candy. And dont sit up front, the clowns will mess with your mind. I just cant bear the thought of fay retiring. Im gonna miss her. Her sweet smile and her cheery voice. Just seeing her every morning year after year has made my life a little more special. By the way, heres what you owe for the party. What . I hardly know the woman. audience laughing wow, a party like this only means one thing, hey, fay would want to leave sandpiper just the way she came in. Drunk . audience laughing that was first day jitters. No, i meant plain, simple, not a lot of fanfare. Well, you nailed it. Oh good, lowells got the cake. Lets see. Lowell, this was supposed to say good luck fay instead its just a lot of squiggly lines. You have to do is relax your eyes, focus on the cake and an image of fay will appear. audience laughing [together] i dont see it. I dont, oh god, shes naked as a jaybird. audience laughing hi. Wow, casey, those are beautiful. Well, its the least i could do. In the short time that ive known fay ive grown quite fond of her. Makes me feel bad. I didnt get her anything. Well, actually, you did. Heres your credit card back. audience laughing oh my god. Cant we have Just One Party on this island without the big sandwich . I mean by now, even you people should be sick of it. Oh wow. When you said you were going all out i figured the all american maybe the fiesta. Okay, lets get fay in here and get the party started. Would you keep your voice down. Shes gonna hear you. No, no she wont. I sent her out to shovel the slush off the runway. You sent a woman her age out in the cold to do manual labor . Hey, i didnt want to ruin the surprise. Its her day. knocking on door shh, there she is. Come in. Alright, i finished [all] surprise is this a Retirement Party . Oh, im so touched. gasps the cordoba. Speech, speech, speech wait, wait, wait, before you all get started, i have something to say. clears throat this party has got dull written all over it. So, ill just take a hunk of this to go. See ya, cochran. If we roasted fay. Okay, ill start, ill start. Boy that fay, how about her breath after lunch . Its, its bad. Lowell, lowell. And how about the way she dresses . Its just bad. Lowell. Have you ever driven in a car with her . She drives bad. Fay, i think i speak for all of us when i say hing fay, there is something that brian and i would like to say. Thats right. Youve always been very special to us. Youve been here since the beginning. Honestly, without you, i dont think there would have been a sandpiper. Thats right, fay. Youre the heart and soul of this airline and we dont know what were gonna do without you. Just know that no one could ever replace you. Excuse me, im here about the job. Yeah, ill be there in one minute. So, here, its a little gift. So, um, how about a few words, fay . Oh no, i couldnt. Okay, lets eat. Although, i suppose a few words would be in order. It all started in a two story row house in syracuse. Today they call them townhouses. In new york they call them brownstones. Oh, thats beautiful, lets eat. audience laughing before we start, can you tell me what the position pays . Absolutely, i think that youll find our salary is very competitive in todays marketplace. [fay] my very first trip on an airplane was to albany or was it buffalo . Oh really, i never knew that. Ill be right back. Shoot me. What happened with the woman . We were pretty far apart on the money. She wanted some . Yeah, yeah, yeah. What am i gonna do . She was the only one that answered the ad. Fay is leaving. I have the perfect person for the job. Really, who . Casey. No, no, no, no. Why not . Well, to steal a line from lowell, shes bad. audience laughing joe, shes smart, shes a quick learner and she just needs somebody to give her a chance. But helen, even if i had a severe lapse in judgement and agreed to it, she makes brian nuts. Id never be able to get him to agree to it. [fay] lets jump ahead to 1984. Reagan was reelected and a lucky former stewardess the womans lived for many years. Not one interesting story. Not one. Howd the interview go . Well, she laughed at the salary. She laughed at the salary, huh . She must have wet herself when you got to the benefits then. audience laughing okay, well, um, ill leave you two alone cause i know you have some business to discuss. Brian, what do you think about casey . You want me to kick her out . Okay, i can do it quietly. No, no, no. Im thinking maybe we should ask her if she wants to take fays old job. Are you out of your, what, casey . Oh. Why not . Shes smart, shes a quick learner. She just needs someone to take a chance on her. Shell never take the job anyway. [fay] when he said new bedford, i thought he said new hartford. See you for a second, please . Freedom what is it . Fay was just going to tell us about the time that she served jan murray a kosher meal. Casey, we wanted to ask you something. We were wondering if, um, uh. Wouldnt want to work for me and brian, would you . Work for you . Are you serious . Right, stupid idea, enough said. Im flattered. Yeah, of course i will. Yeah, but, but, we didnt even tell you about the salary. Well, that doesnt matter. Whats important is that you think enough of me to take a chance on someone with no qualifications, no experience and no training. audience laughing hi. Oh, i see your final destination is new orleans. Well, that is a beautiful city. Now, you make sure to ride the streetcars to the Garden District so you can take a walking tour of the homes, okay . Bye, bye now. T. And who was right about it . Cmon helen who was right . Dont make me say it. Now arent you being a little petty about it . Who was right . You were. Thank you. Well, gotta go. You just reminded me, i gotta get my dog fixed. audience laughing hey joe, i dont know about casey. I think shes alienating the passengers. You think shes really doing okay . You kidding me . Eat. Shes been here for three days and shes changed every thing. Yeah, thats right. Shes updated our ticketing system. Shes put all our files on the computer. And shes even scraped your spitballs off the ceiling. And on whos authority . The womant a climber, joe. I miss fay. She wasnt ambitious or efficient. Yeah, i gotta admit it is kinda strange looking over there and not seeing fay. I wonder where she is right now . Are you kidding . Shes probably on some cruise, please, please, im getting another cake flashback. audience laughing hey, hey, you guys you gotta listen to this. I made a tape of fays last days. Its a collection of her quaint sayings, bits of humor, you know, anecdotes. I call it the best of fay. Heres one of my favorites. [voiceover] lowell, watch the counter for a second, ive got to hit the head. Oh, you know what . The altimeters on the blink and i cant get another one until tomorrow. Aw, damn, alright. Well, go tell casey to cancel the flight. Roger. This is great, this is great. I mean, not only are we out of business for the day, but now the passengers are gonna be furious. We gotta bail casey out. Shes never gonna be able to handle this. Attention sandpiper passengers, i have an announcement. Hey, hey, shes talking. Take it outside. audience laughing sandpiper regretfully announces that due to unforeseen circumstances, flight 19 to boston has been cancelled. However, if you will follow me to aero mass, i will be happy to assist you in making alternate arrangements. I guess she did okay. Okay . Yeah, right. I remember fays first cancellation. I believe her exact words were, now, do you want to be late, mrs. Carter or do you want to be the late mrs. Carter . And gave them 50 off vouchers for the next sandpiper flight. Vouchers . We dont get vouchers if we crash. Well, excuse me if im wrong, but it just occurred to me, that it was worth the discount to keep them on as loyal customers. And seems to be working because one of the passengers was so grateful, that he gave me these celtics knicks tickets for tonight. Oh, oh, oh, okay, i see. So, because were grounded you think that you can just take off early and go to a basketball game, huh . , i was going to say that im giving them to you and joe. Oh, really . audience laughing if we cut out now we can make the opening tipoff. Lets grab a seat on aero mass. Thats not gonna work because i put our passengers on that flight and its all sold out. Oh great, we get tickets to the celtics game. What, it starts in two hours, what are we gonna do . Theres a 5 00 oclock ferry to boston. Youll make it in plenty of time. Hey, what do you say we drop a few bucks on the game . And oakleys in a slump. Take the celtics, skip the points. Okay, breaks over, get back to work. ferry horn blasts brian, would you move it. I dont want to miss the ferry. Listen, will you relax. Were 10 minutes early, for crying out loud. Besides, i dont get a runs like a swiss watch feeling out of this place. Whatd you bring these binoculars for . Weve got floor seats, were five feet away from the action. Yeah, so how else am i gonna look at the cheerleaders as the big brother, let me give you a little advice. Grow up. Hey earl, will you take my 6 00 oclock ferry tomorrow night . I got a hot date. A little advice from your big brother. You should get married like i did and settle down already. Hey, i settle down every night, get it . Why cant you grow up and take life more serious . You cant get by forever on your looks. Dont hate me because im beautiful. You of someone . No, whatre you talking about . Hey, let me have some change. I wanna get some candy. Attention windsurfer passengers. Ferry three to boston is departing from pier one. Now, she looks familiar. Fay . Hi joe. Hi brian. Fay, fay, what are you doing here . We thought you retired. Oh, well, i was going to go on a cruise and then it was all booked up so i had a little extra time on my hands and this wonderful opportunity came along. Stuck in the engine. Were gonna have to dangle you over the side again. audience laughing um, its not as bad as it sounds. So, what are you two doing here . Well, were just going to the celtics game. Planes down. Fay, what are you doing working in a place like this . Well, i know it doesnt look like much on the surface, what is going on . The truth. I dont know what youre talking about. Cmon, standing behind a counter in a terminal making stupid announcements. I mean, what kind of life is that . Alright, um, um. Well, it turns out that retirement isnt all that i thought it would be. I mean, i imagined id be doing all these wonderful things at to do with myself. I was lonely and i missed everybody. So, why didnt you just come to us . Oh, how could i . I was so embarrassed. I mean, i made that big fuss about retiring and you threw me that Wonderful Party and everybody got so teary eyed at my speech. Yeah, the second hour was particularly moving. Fay, were family. Fay, of course, anything. I want my old job back. I hate this. Im no good at firing people. Yeah, me either. Why do you think youre still working here . audience laughing ill do it. The look of fear in their eyes when you say, can i see you in my office . The way their lower lip starts to quiver when they know its coming. audience laughing nervous laughter so, whos gonna fire her . Fair is fair, ill flip ya. Youre the one that wanted to fire her since she started here. She grew on me. I thought she was going to be bossy and overbearing. E to do. Yeah, youre right. This is no time to wimp out. The one thing we do know is, we cant keep them both. Attention sandpiper passengers. Flight 20 is now boarding at gate. One. [both] have a nice day. Hey guys, i just heard a great joke. How many sandpiper employees does it take to change a lightbulb . Four, two to change the bulb audience laughing you know what, roy . That is the difference between you and us. At sandpiper, were not just about the bottom line, were about family. And just like family, theyre bleeding us dry. audience laughing hey fay, you know when you left sandpiper, you left some pretty big shoes behind. Oh, thank you, lowell. Behind the counter. What the hell size are those gunboats, anyway . Did you want something, lowell . No, uh, yeah, i need you to sign this requisition. Thanks. Um, i was just curious, why did you get to sign that . Oh, im sorry, dear, if you wanted to sign it, you shouldve just said something. Although, i do have seniority. Well, thats true, you do. So, technically, this is your first day. Well, the next time youll sign it. It was just a silly requisition form. I mean, who cares . By the way, i know that were sharing a locker now and i am delighted to do it, but it is getting a little cramped, what with your 10 different outfits, your pedicure basin and your facial steamer. Well, if youd just remove your clodhoppers, wed have room for a dinette set in there. My new color coded destination tabs. Color coated destination tabs. My, arent we fancy . You know, ever since you came back here you have dumped on every improvement that ive made. Let me tell you something. Ive been working here for 10 years. Youve been here one week. Youve got a lot to learn. Ive already learned one thing. I am sick of working with you. Look, there isnt enough room out there for the two of us. Nk operation into the 20th century and if theres one thing this job has shown me, it is that i have the talent, brains and i can walk into any office, anywhere and score a better gig for better pay. So, for god sake, for once in your life, act like men and make a decision. audience laughing attention windsurfer passengers. There will be a slight delay in the departure of the ferry to hyannis while our maintenance staff removes a dead squid from the engine. Urur squid. I scraped your barnacles. I even bucketed your chum, from now on, i stay behind the counter. I took this rinky dink operation into the 20th century and if this job has shown me anything, it is that i have got talent and brains and that i can walk into any office, anywhere and score a better gig for better pay. So, for god sakes, for once in your life, act like men and make a decision. gasps oh. Fay, what do you think . Oh, helen, its beautiful. You know, ever since i was a little girl, i dreamed of a dress just like this. Now i have the dress and the boobs to go with it. laughs but why are you wearing it in the middle of the airport . Well it was just delivered from new york whatever you do, dont let joe see you in it. You know, its bad luck if the groom sees the bride in her Wedding Dress before the ceremony. I know, thats why i waited til joe was off on his flight. Oh, no, that flight got in early. Hes on his way in. No if he sees me, i cant wear this dress. Hi, fay, did i get any phone calls . Uh, yes, your barber called, he wants you to confirm your appointment for tomorrow. [helen] out of my way oh, well he just realized that he [fay] go, get out of the way forgot to even out your sideburns and besides [helen] move, excuse me [fay] youre getting a little ragged around the ears. [helen] excuse me excuse me, excuse me, get outta the way all right, well, uh, ill phone him in a little while. Im gonna grab a cup of coffee. No, no, no. Lowell, let me in ah, just a second, helen. drill buzzes okay, now, oh, helen, youre getting that pretty dress all dirty, come on up. [helen] no, no. No, no. Helen, you look beautiful. That dress is perfect. helen cries oh, nice going. Dont you know its bad luck to see the bride in her wedding dre, oops. upbeat instrumentals oh, joe, i have some good news. Oh, you found a new dress . Whats your good news . Well, it turns out that the reverend that i really want to marry us is available. Ah, thats terrific. And so hes gonna come here to meet with us and talk about the ceremony. He can help us come up with something really unique. Uh, how unique . Well, i was thinking maybe a hindu love chant. No, forget it, no. No, i dont want any of that weird woowoo stuff at our wedding. Its not woowoo stuff, oh maybe its a little woowoo. Oh, joe, i want woowoo. To be a guest on the mary pat lee show . Youre kidding. Really . Thats right. Theyre doing a segment on men who are smart, sexy, and single. They wanted you . Actually, they were asking about you, but i told them that you were engaged. Really . No, but i just love that pathetic hopeful look in your eye. Like i really want to be on that stupid show. Mary pat lee . I love that show. I mean, i only watch it cause it comes on after my stories. I cannot believe that you get to be on that show. Youre gonna be on mary pat lee . Yes, i am. They said that i can invite all my friends to sit in the studio audience, so you guys are all invited. gasps im not gonna miss this. Yeah, itll be next thursday. Oh, no, thursdays the day we have to meet with the reverend. Why, blow him off, i wanna see brian on tv. Joe, you dont blow off a man of the cloth. Besides, thursdays the only day hes available. Oh, whats the big deal . Its just a talk show. Just a talk show . Obviously, you didnt see the one where mary pat lee broke down on the air and confessed upbeat instrumental music fay, uh, did reverend powell call . Oh, i dont know, ive been swamped. Im really sorry, but i cannot let you go to see brians show. I need someone here to take reservations. And its a good thing i stayed. I can only handle one of you at a time. Helen, look, this reverend is already over three minutes late. Obviously, hes not gonna show, so im just gonna get going, so i have time to get to boston and see brians show. Look, there he is. Now, joe, this is our wedding. Now, were not just gonna race through it just because you wanna go to brians show. Okay, fine, fine, lets get this over with. Ah, reverend powell, hi, im joe. Shes helen. Hello. That you took the time to come here and talk with us today. So, youre getting married. Tell me, why . Well, i love her, she loves me, theres not really much more to it. Love to start, but marriage takes work and patience. Patience, got it, anything else . Joe, sweetheart, slow down. We have no place to go. Im reminded the shepherd was resting with his flock by the side of the road, river, silvery moon . No, meadow. Can i get you something to drink . A double espresso . Thank you, no. Cups today. upbeat instrumentals ah, i cant believe were here where the magic happens. Oh, look, look, right there, right there is where mary pat broke down and confessed she once did a porn video. And right here, right here is where she just broke down and confessed that she paid for her tummy tuck out of the shows petty cash. Shes human, like the rest of us. Damn. Whats wrong . You know what . Before i left the house this morning i think i mightve left my iron on. Eh, so whats the worse that can happen . Your house burns down, you lose everything, whats the big deal . Yeah, youre right, lets enjoy the show. , look, theres brian. Hey. Theres brian. Hey, look, theres mary pat you must be brian hackett. Hi. Hi, im mary pat lee. Thanks for being here. Hey, hey, hey, im very flattered that you asked. Now, what were gonna do is well start with you, well take some questions form the audience, and then well bring out some of the other guys. Okay. Youre not nervous, are you . Me . Nah, nah, nah, in fact ive been on tv before. Once with i was two and a half years old, i was on the uncle hippety hop show. I was the one who accidentally went to the bathroom