Good nielth. Dicky from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight greg kinnear from the ufc, dana white this week in unnecessary censorship and comedian dino archie. With cleto andd now, hunker dow jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome to you program. Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. Its one more night of politics, tonight from philadelphia, the home of rocky balboa and cream cheese, the Season Finale of the Democratic National convention. The big question tonight, would Hillary Clinton accept the nomination, or america go home crying in a limousine in the most dramatic president ial nomination yet . And she accepted the nomination. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy it was a historic night. Were either going to have our first female president , or first president who sold a line of steaks at the sharper image. Remember that . By the way, i just want to say, after the two weeks of all this every night, im pretty sure Everybody Knows who theyre voting for. So why dont we save a lot of time and vote now. I mean, really, were going to sit around and wait for the ones who havent decided yet . After she spoke tonight, instead of the balloon drop, bill clinton climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had [ laughter and applause ] last night, president obama gave mrs. Clinton a powerful endorsement at the end of which, she joined him on stage for an embrace that was about as awkward as when the groom dances with his motherinlaw at a wedding. You know, Hillary Clintons secret Service Code Name is evergreen. Bill clintons is eagle. Donald trumps key name is mogul. It is. And the secret Service Code Name for melania was just revealed. Its muse. She wanted to be called moose, but they couldnt understand what she was saying. Mike pences code name is hoosier. This is when im especially sad donald trump didnt pick Chris Christie to be his running mate, because theres no way his code name wouldnt be hilarious no matter what it was. [ applause ] if youre going to announce someones code name, why give them a code name . Hillarys choice for running mate, virginia senator tim kaine gave a speech last night, where he revealed that not only does he habula espanol, hes got a way to do donald trump. Hes got a way to make the same two words, every time he makes his biggest, hugest promises. Believe me. Its gonna be great, believe me. Were going to build a wall and make mexico pay for it, believe me. Were going to destroy isis so fast. Believe me. Theres nothing suspicious in my tax returns. Believe me. Jimmy she believes him. He did such a convincing trump that tim kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 . Since the candidates are now doing impressions, we decided to do the same. We went to the dnc this week, we went to the rnc last week, with sock puppets of Hillary Clinton and donald trump. We handed the clinton puppet to republicans and the trump puppets to democrats and let the impersonations fly. Can you do an impression of donald trump talking about Hillary Clinton . Hillary clinton is crooked hillary. Hillary needs to learn that law and order law and order is where this country needs to go. Give me an impression of Hillary Clinton. La la la la la la la la. If the mouth is moving, she must be lying. What do you mean i have emails on my private server . No, theyre all deleted. Well, first, were going to build a real big wall, and then were going to make them pay for it. Mr. Trump, its between god and satan, and god will win every time. And, mr. Trump . Well, i i am better than god. Do you write speeches for him . Why do you expect the American People will believe what you have done, when you have done so many things that have hurt us and that we will get no relief let her talk a little. With the world you have left us in with barack obama . Well, i think that i have done everything right. I have given hey, youre a white guy. Hey, youre an older person. Hey, youre a republican. What do i have in common with you . Why would i talk to you . Lets go out on a date. She likes you. I would say no, he cannot make America Great again. And what do he mean about making America Great again. What would he say to that. You misunderstood me. I said im going to make america hate again. Compliment her hat. Say something about her hat. No. Ill give you something. What will you give me . Free schooling. Free anything. Its a pretty good hillary. Thank you. This is my first time. Would you like five or ten minutes alone with that . No. What would you like to say to Hillary Clinton . Drop dead. No, im serious. Do me a favor, drink this bottle of water and have her sing yangee doodle dandy. I dont think thats going to happen. Jimmy its politics bringing us together, were in a lot of trouble. Donald trump is having a bumpy week. Theres a big investigation today from buzzfeed that shows trumps private club, maralago and the golf club he owns filed applications to import 78 Foreign Workers to come into the u. S. To work for him. Because its very unlike him to say one thing and do the other. [ laughter and applause ] he wants to build a wall and bring in Foreign Workers. Its like hes playing a game of tick tack toe against himself. Or maybe this is a telemundo prank show. We sent a bunch of workers to the united states. Wait until they find out who their new boss is. Trump also claimed that he was joking when he said he hoped russia would find her emails. And on that thought, please welcome the troompaloompas, everybody. Troompaloompa dumpetydo ive got another puzzle for you troompaloompa doompety dee if you are wise youll listen to me. You should think twice what you have them to do someday the russians might hurt you it might take your tax returns troompaloompa dumpety do you will live in happiness too like the troompaloompa doompety do i must break you [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, troompaloompas. He imported them too. We have to take a break. When we come back, that loser matt damon was on jimmy fallon last night, attacking me. Well talk about that, and this week in unnecessary censorship too. So stick around, wroob. Well be right back. Well be right back. Well be right back. Well be right back. Everyone in the family. T a free Samsung Galaxy for thats right, a free Samsung Galaxy with every new line and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line. Plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. Dont wait. Get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone. So get tmobile now. Because our most epic deal ever is only for limited time. For our best Friends Family get tevent s. Thursday through sunday take an extra 20 off any way you pay plus, yes2you rewards members earn triple points. Plus, everyone gets kohls cash too. Nothing but the best savings. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Starbucks® smallbatch cold brew coffee. In stores now. The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. Choose your favorite pasta,or piadina or sandwich. It all comes with our neverending soup or salad. And all the breadsticks you want. Starting at just 6. 99 get neverending value for lunch, today at olive garden. Heart rate one fifty six. Who do you talk to for military advice right now . Im Hillary Clinton and i approved this message. Well, i watch the shows. I mean i really see a lot of great you know, when you watch your show and all of the other shows. While donald trump watched tv, as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton negotiated a cease fire in gaza. A reduction in nuclear weapons. Took on vladimir putin. And stood up against the trafficking of human beings. A steady leader in an unsteady world. Jimmy sitting in with the cletones. Welcome back to the show. Greg kinnear is on the way. I dont want to ruin the mood, but im beside myself with rage. Can you see how much im shaking . Look at this. Look at my hand. Im very angry, because matt damon do you know who that is . I didnt ask for shouts of joy. Anyway, he has matt damon has a new jason bourne moving coming out tomorrow. I have no plans to see it. I dont know anybody that wants to see it, but hes going around trying to convince people to waste money on it. This is what happened last night on the tonight show. Ive seen you on talk shows. Youve been on jimmy kimmel, ive seen that. No, no, i havent. You called me, one invite, boom, here, made it on the show. Thats how you host a tv show. Thats gonna hurt his feelings. Jimmy oh, really . Thats how you host a talk show . Well, then i have some very bad news for you, matt. Youre not getting on the show again tonight either. Thats right, youre not on the show again tonight. Sorry, dummy, we cant hear anything youre saying. You can sit there all night long for all i care. We have better guests anyway. Poor greg kinnear had to be Siamese Twins with is ththat gu a whole movie. Anyway, back to the convention. Snoop dogg is in philadelphia right now. Hes hosting what they call a unity party. It is easy to be united when everyone is high, i will say that. But snoop is not your average popstar. He snop has his mind on his money and his money on his mind. But he also has a deep interest in learning. So tonight, we challenged him to see what product is being made. We showed him video from a factory. Well, it explains itself. What up, this is big snoop dogg, trying to get how this [ bleep ]s made. Let me see what they making right here. Oh, thats cereal. Thats cream of wheat. Wait a minute, maybe sheep hair. Ooh, what is that, boo boo . Flour. Cookie dough. Manure. Chocolate. That look like a malt. Chocolate malt. Damn. What is it . Oh, beef jerky . Hotdogs . This is a hotdog . Oh, man, i aint never eating no hotdog. [ laughter and applause ] every time i see my kid with a hotdog, im knocking that [ bleep ] out of his hands. If thats how they make hotdogs, i dont want one of them. Oh, kuz. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy one more thing before we forge ahead to this thursday night, which means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. Whether they need it or not, its this week in unnecessary censorship. I want to start off by [ bleep ] my beautiful wife ann. Tonight i ask you to do for Hillary Clinton, what you did for me. I ask you to [ bleep ] her, the same way you [ bleep ] me. I wanted to [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. I still see the donald trump who likes to [ bleep ] people in the [ bleep ] when he feels it. Pat lewis, are you [ bleep ] in your britches this morning . One, two, three, [ bleep ] you. Dont let anyone ever tell you that this [ bleep ] isnt great. I think its an all hands on [ bleep ] big time. Im a norker and i know a [ bleep ] when i see one. The dirty [ bleep ] you know is better than the dirty [ bleep ] you dont know. Sometimes a jockey needs a horse. It isnt always pleasant to watch, but it gets results. Ooh, he likes it when you roll him over and ride on his [ bleep ]. Show of hands, who likes small [ bleep ] . I do actually. Shes a natural leader. Shes a good organizer and shes the best darn [ bleep ] i ever met in my entire life. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy we have a good show for you tonight. Weve got Joe Bonamassa sitting in with the cletones, comedian dino archie is here, from the Ufc Dana White is here, and well be right back with greg kinnear. So stick around. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by chobani greek yogurt. Youve wished upon it all year, and now its finally here. The mercedesbenz summer event is back, with incredible offers on the mercedesbenz youve always longed for. But hurry, these shooting stars fly by fast. Lease the gle350 for 579 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. La charrue passe dans le ciel et je descends lentement im retired. Jimmy what did you do for a living before that . A business person. Jimmy you know when people are that vague about what they do, it makes me assume you were a prostitute. With this level of intelligence. Its a supercomputer. With this grade of protection. Its a fortress. And with this standard of luxury. Its an oasis. Introducing the completely redesigned eclass. Its everything you need it to be. And more. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. male offscreen announcer whats it feel like to win the mustang instant game, with top prizes of a hundred grand or a new ford mustang . woman oh my goodness. Woo male offscreen announcer with instant games from the pennsylvania lottery, the instant you play could be the instant you win. Keep on scratchin. [ cheers and applause ] Joe Bonamassa sitting in the cletones. Wheres joes album . Do i have it . Its right in front of my face. This giant square they couldnt find. Its called blues of desperation. Theyre saying its the feelgood album of the summer. So pick that up. Joe will be here all night. And the multi millionaire, promoting ufc, dana white is with us tonight. And this is his cd, its called choosy lover, dino archie is here with us. Next week on the show, we have a lot of guests and ill name them noun, chris pine, salma hayek, hugh grant, morgan freeman, jojo the bachelorette, whoever she did or didnt pick. Funny if she comes alone. Mark consuelos, nikki glaser, steve martorano, and we will have music from kelsea ballerini, grouplove, miranda lambert, and young the giant. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is a multitalented fellow who has oscar and golden globe nomination certificates in a drawer and an emmy welded to the hood of his car. His new drama, little men, opens in theaters a week from tomorrow. Please welcome greg kinnear. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i like your facial hair. Is this our own hair, or is this hair that belongs to a character that youre playing . Matt damons backstage, and hes pissed. Okay . Get all your jokes out now, because hes rocking up that dana white backstage. Jimmy im glad hes not so crazy glued to you. Must have been the worst weeks of your life. Matt and i did a movie called stuck on you, it was during that phase when they were making a lot of con joined twin films. Jimmy i wonder if that will come back around. Its a cyclical cycle. And it was brought to my attention the other day, that the person who separated us was dr. Ben carson. No kidding. Thats absolutely true. Jimmy dr. Ben carson. Yeah, at that time, we didnt know how interesting he was. We just thought he was a genius. Listen, hes the only actor ive ever worked with who was able to give me an ekg after the scene was over, but, yeah jimmy thats really crazy. Have you been working all summer . Ive been editing a movie. I directed a film at the end of last year. Jimmy oh, whats the title . It is an untitled project. Jimmy you should give it a title. You really need to. Yeah. Jimmy whats the hold up . Maybe we can figure it out tonight with the audience. Whats it about . [ cheers and applause ] a depressed dentist in the portland area. Jimmy depressed dentist in portland who basically meets a man who has everything who ends up taking his own life by suicide. So hes trying to save his life by finding out an unraveling mystery as to why this guy did that, and in the course of this, becomes a greek plumber. Jimmy i have the title. Drilling deep. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy right . Its not a porn film. Jimmy well, well come up with it later, then, i guess. Talk backstage. Jimmy yeah. With your family how many kids do you have now . I have three daughters. Jimmy three daughters. Do they go to camp at this time of year . You knowhat,theydont go to camp. My wifes from england, and this is an ongoing debate. They just dont have camps in europe as much as they do here. Its not as much a part of the culture. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy i didnt know that. Yeah. I didnt either. So id like them to go to camp. But i had kind of a bad experience. I truthfully did have a very bad it wasnt bad for me, but there was a somewhat jimmy can you tell us what happened . I cant tell you. Jimmy eh, come on. I was im from the midwest, from indiana. Any indiana here . Jimmy no, we dont allow them in. Go ahead. [ laughter ] this concludes the interview, ladies and gentlemen. I actually was at this camp as a kid. And there was a there was a gentleman, you know, it was standard camp. Did you go to camp as