Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160830

Burning. Something oh, my god put me out put me out, im on fire eddy, quick its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes riz ahmed pedro pascal and angel olsen. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Nowm fro the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs live people. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Thanks so much. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I did get a haircut, thanks for noticing. Yall ready to get in a little e bit of trouble . cheers and applause dont know what that means, but im ready, too. August is a notoriously slow news month, and it can be hard for me to find stuff to talk about. Fortunately, something popped up anthony weiner. laughter i just want to extend my thanks to him for rising to the occasion with this truly rock solid story boner. laughter ran out. I ran out. I ran out. Today, there are new reports of sextmessages from the disgraced rm candidate. And this, just a couple weeks after weiner was caught sending out sexy messages describing his own physique as deceptively strong. Like a mongoose. laughter though i will point out that mongooses are much better at wrangling an outofcontrol snake. laughter thats the universal symbol for mongoose. laughter and, of course, there are pictures. Im not going to show them, so if you want to know what they look like, put a cucumber under a linen tablecloth, and then, invite everyone in the world over to see it. With this happening again, my heart goes out to weiners wife and Hillary Clintons righthand woman huma abedin. You know what they say fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, dammit anthony laughter after the election laughter and earlier today, ms. Abedin released a statement, saying she and her husband will separate. audience reacts thats right, shes finally cutting off the weiner. laughter piano riff stephen thank you very much. I have been waiting for years to make that joke. laughter in the statement, she says, during this difficult time, i ask for respect for our privacy. Something shes been begging her husband for years now. This is so shocking. He was just on this show two three weeks ago. He didnt talk about his penis then, did he . Eight years of remarkable growth. Stephen i stand corrected. laughter applause okay, thank you very much. Heres what i dont get i dont think these women are having affairs with him, so wh has no one told him about the existence of porn . Congressman wiener, its everywhere you can even get it on that phone youre currently holding next to your penis. Maybe wiener likes the danger. He likes the danger of doing this. So, anthony, just look at porn while jumping off a cliff. You know whos got to be thrilled about the latest weiner scandal . 49ers quarterback colin kapernick, who, on friday, refused to stand for the National Anthem. Its a shocker. Something interesting happened during a preseason game. laughter after the game, kapernick explained, i am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. Wow. No matter how you feel about his actions, you have to admit that this took guts. I think football fans tend to be pretty patriotic. Though, obviously, they all hate the patriots. laughter cheers and applause of course, kapernicks getting some blowback from his fellow players new york giants lineman justin pugh tweeted, i will be standing during the National Anthem tonight, and called kapernicks protest disrespectful. Yes, that is the nature of protests. They must be respectful. What do we want . Racial justice. When do we want it . Later, the games on. laughter maybe half time at the earliest and folks on the internet are saying kapernicks protest isnt that important because hes a secondstringer. And they have a point. Nobody paid attention to the i have a dream speech until m. L. K. Won that slamdunk contest. laughter now i would love to see that. He can do it. He can do it. Hed been to the mountaintop and he jumped off of it laughter the movie southside with you its the story of barack and Michelle Obamas first date in chicago in 1989. Now, if you havent seen it, i wont tell you how it turns out. No spoilers. laughter the reviews have been pretty good. Its got a 92 on rotten tomatoes. It appeals to everyone. Democrats like it because its about obama. And republicans like it because its about a time when obama wasnt president. laughter a president ial first date movie seems like a winning formula. They should do this for all president s. Id love to see andrew and Rachel Jackson starring in trail of smiles, laughter a movie about their first date, when they went to a hanging and both laughed at the same parts. Or what about abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln starring in theres something about mary todd. laughter that was theco course. The first title was abraham lincolns beard. laughter thats why they changed it. Your reaction right now is why they changed it. And, of course, who wouldnt want to see franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt in, fdr u up . laughter which tells the romantic story of how they met at a family reunion. laughter look it up. Look it up. piano riff look it up, then laugh at it. laughter all our jokes come with footnotes here. laughter of course the big news is last night, mtv held their annual video music awards, where they i believe they give an award to anyone who still makes music videos. Last night featured many asses, from beyonce, to rihanna to nicki minaj to kanye. applause kanye unveiled his new video fade featuring singer and actor Teyana Taylor sweatily dancing around a gym. Check that out. Wow. I really hope she knows its polite to wipe that equipment down before the next person uses it. laughter its just polite. After four minutes of teyana dancing, it ends with the image of a naked teyana in prosthetic cat face surrounded by sheep. To see the whole video, you have to have a tidal subscription or eat peyote and fall asleep watching thundercats. laughter applause but there was one glaring absence at last nights v. M. A. s. Taylor swift could not attend because she was in nashville serving jury duty. Someone even tweeted photos of it. This is good for her to do, but it would have been so easy for her to get out of jury duty the same way i do. I just say, im taylor swift, and they send me home. laughter now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause hello. You know, theres been a lot of talk of health on the campaign trail recently, with trump people saying that Hillary Clinton has a secret illness. And they may have a point. If she wasnt sick, why is she calling for universal healthcare . Doesnt make any sense. Of course, this opens up questions about Donald Trumps health. I mean, hes got the kind of glow you only get from being in top shape or after vacationing at chernobyl. laughter to prove how fit he is for the presidency, last december trump released his full Health Records which was a onepage letter from his physician. A note from his doctor should be enough its how he got out of vietnam audience reacts applause he had bone spurs the doctor in question is gastroenterologist and trumps strategic hair reserve, dr. Harold bornstein. Hello hey im your doctor, lets drop those trous, im gonna poke around laughter bend over, here comes the choochoo train choochoo, choochoo, choochoo laughter he looks like a guy who can not only write you a prescription for drugs, but tell you what they taste like. Some people are concerned that his letter isnt enough to prove trumps health. After all, it begins,to whom my concern. laughter is that a typo . Mybe, mybe not. laughter and bornstein proved hes a gastroenterologist because the letter seems like he yanked it from where the sun dont shine. For example, his assertion that mr. Trump has had a recent complete medical examination that showed only positive results. laughter and positive results are always good Blood Pressure . Positive cholesterol . Chlamydia . Positive laughter some people thought the letter was written by trump himself, since it describes his health in terms like extraordinary and astonishingly excellent and, if elected, mr. Trump, i can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency. Of course, healthiest ever of course, thats only if he keeps taking his prescription of k. F. C. And taco bowls. laughter with so many questions about this letter, last week, nbc news tracked down dr. Bornstein, who was in his Manhattan Office and not as his other job playing the lute at a ren fest. laughter stephen and would ye like a turkey leg . laughter and bornstein revealed why the i thought about it all day and, at the end, i get rushed and i get anxious when i get rushed. I had five minutes to sit at right this desk and write that letter while the driver waited. Stephen rushed, anxious, five minutes, driver waiting. You definitely want the candidates physical to sound like losing your virginity on prom night. laughter honestly, he looks like a very questionable gandolf right now. laughter dont get in the van with gandolf, kids laughter honestly, i have to wonder, is dr. Bornstein is healthy enough to judge whether or not trump is healthy enough for the presidency . Well, to answer that question, we have obtained an exclusive letter from trumps doctors doctor. I have it right here. This postit note, which reads this postit note, which reads to why it am concerned dr. Bornstein great healthy man. Good at doctoring trump, best at medicine forever, signed, dr. Realdoctor. Gotta run, ubers here. laughter well be right back with riz ahmed. cheers and applause ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. 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I approve this message z23cwz zi0z y23cwy yi0y cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is an english actor and rapper best known for his acclaimed role as nasir khan in hbos the night of. Please welcome, riz ahmed. cheers and applause nice to have you. Really good to be here. Stephen normally when we have somebody whos a part of a really hot show like yours, the night of which is amazing, it took over the slot for game of thrones. It is. Stephen but scarier. We showed a clip. Im hooked on the series and i havent seen the finale so i insisted they show no clip so i wouldnt have spoilers. So keep in mind, i dont know how it ends. Okay. Stephen yeah. O how are we going to talk about the show . Stephen in code. laughter lets talk at you. Id rather talk about you first. A year ago, i didnt know your name. No offense. I didnt know who riz ahmed was. But now the jaysen bourne youre on a rocket ride right now applause feels weird. We have the same, you wait an hour for a london bus and then three come along at once. From the inside, i have been working steadily on a bunch of indie projects for a long time. From the inside, this doesnt feel like it happened overnight, but i can understand. Stephen no, youre always been there to you. Yeah, i have been here the whole time, exactly. Okay, so can i talk about how this part came to you . Did you foe anything about the project if did you know anything about the creators when you got this . I actually have to be honest. I knew nothing about the projects. I was coming back from the Film Festival and my agent said im sending you a script, read it on the plane, youre going to audition as soon as you land. Im so behind, i still havent seen breaking bad. Te happy ending, yeah. laughter good. And i kind of the name hbo meant something to me but i kind of associate it more with latenight boxing. Stephen mmhmm. O im, like, yes, interesting, branching out. Stephen primarily boxing and a drama or two. laughter yeah. Stephen uhhuh. I remember the script is so good, i thought, whoever wrote this has a great future ahead of him, and turned out to be the guys who wrote schindlers list and the wire and laughter stephen yeah, theyre going to be okay. Your family is originally from pakistan, correct . Yes. Stephen and you are born in england . Yes. Stephen we have one person from every country in the world. laughter you are playing someone who is is there a difference between the americanmuslim experience and the englishmuslim experience . Whats interesting is i think the word asian means Something Different that be in the u. K. Stephen asian here means chinese, japanese, thailand, southeast asian. In the u. K. It means people like me. So its different being asian in the u. S. Because people would come up to me and try to speak to me in spanish, first of all. Stephen yeah, yeah. That doesnt happen so much if you look at me in the u. K. I would say, no, im asian, and they would look at me like im crazy. So there is that different, i guess. No, i kind of feel like, when i was growing up, i felt like i had to qualify and say im britishpakistani. But i feel this day in age, this is what british looks like and hopefully through nasir khan, people will see thats what an american can look like as well. applause stephen do you have any issues when you travel here in because, you know, donald trump says no muslims. No muslims to the united states. Do you have any issues . He kind of always says foreigners are coming over here taking jobs. I kind of agree. There is a lot of british actors on tv right now over here. Stephen hello. Absolutely. applause its not good. Stephen its not right. Theyve got to build a wall around the audition room or something, keep them away. laughter but, yeah, i kind of do have trouble. I here. Stephen a secondary search . A random search. Stephen i thought it was a deeper search. I get searched by fans and they can be really thorough. Stephen are you fans surprised when they find out you are english . Because i did not know you were english till you started talking. Flap flap. Great. Stephen thats on me. You should have done your research. Stephen its my fault. But are people surprised when they go, wait a second youre not from queens . laughter its kind of weird, as soon as i land in the city were filming, i think im going to Start Talking in the accent of the character to the first person i meet on the production. So they think thats how i talk. So out of embarrassment, i cant go back on that. Stephen so you get tangled in a lie. Yes, deeper and deeper into this lie and i just speak in this accent the whole sometimes people might come up to me and say you dont have an accent, you must be from london. And i say, yeah. But when we wrap, they can feel betried. When we wrap up i go up and say, thanks a lot, mate, i appreciate it. They say, i dont know you who are you . laughter stephen this year you will be in rogue one. There are a lot of things you cant tell me, right . Yeah. Stephen is there anything that doesnt end in a dance number . Anything you can tell us . I can tell you how we filmed it a little bit. Its kind of different than the star wars movies. Its a feel. Our director would often operate the camera and we would do these really intense scenes where we would do it again and again and again without stopping, just again and again. And, so, the whole film has a really Intense Energy and, partly, thats because of that process because partly we never got to break to go to the toilet within that process at all. Stephen so if i see a shot of you and you look furious, your bladder is so full a little bit, yeah. Stephen you got rage bladder, yeah. laughter yeah, basically. Stephen one thing i did find out about you was that you actually were a rapper called riz emcee . I still am. Stephen okay, good. I suppose once always. Yeah. Stephen could you drop some knowledge for us right now . applause do you need anything . No, i just do it battles. So it could be like coper in a blacktite what a sharp gent, looks like the chat show version of clark kent laughter im from the u. K. Where its not just Downton Abbey and those posh peeps, dont believe that lie like you heard it from ryan lochte. laughter applause thank you. Stephen the night of is available on hbo go and hbo now. Riz ahmed, everybody. Well be right back with my thoughts on bill clintons potential role as first dude. band playing cheers and applause take on any road with intuitive allwheel drive. The nissan rogue, murano and pathfinder. Now get 0 apr for 72 months, plus 500 bonus cash. ba y laughs baby laughs what headache . In . What arthritis pain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what l. Advi who know it wasnt a day at the beach. Rough it. Unless someone got buried. To the fullbacks. Gearheads. And those with green thumbs. To the sticky. The stinky. Even those who get a little icky. To all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up. With delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. Brewmaster. Risktaker. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. Stella artois be legacy band playing cheers and applause ste welcome back, everybody folks, theres no other way to put it, donald trump laughter i know i talk about donald trump a lot on this show, but its quite possible that, after 240 years of male president s, america may finally elect. A male first lady. And as americas potential first ladies man, bill clinton is already making spousal history because, last week, he participated in what Family Circle magazine used to call the first lady cookie contest. But now that bill is on the scene, theyve renamed it the president ial cookie poll. laughter because when youre forcing the spouses of president ial candidates to be judged on their baking, you dont want to sound sexist. The contest goes back to 1992, during bills first president ial campaign, when hillary gave a controversial interview where she said, i suppose i could have stayed home and baked cookies. But i profession. Her comments were taken as a slight against stayathome moms. Not to mention the powerful keebler lobby. laughter they employ over 50 of americas elves laughter but Family Circle saw hillarys remark as the perfect opportunity to start a cookie competition, and what started out as a gaffe became a fun contest. Just like when hillary made that gaffe with her email server, which was really more of a delete your cookies contest. laughter cheers and applause so this year bill agreed to participate in the contest but, instead of a new recipe, he turned in the exact same recipe hillary used to win the 1992 and 1996 contests. Come on clinton was a cheater . laughter applause be careful, bill. You cant just use all of hillarys old moves. First off, youre never going to fit into her inaugural gown. laughter wow. That is shocking. How much he looks like barbara bush. laughter its really very attractive. Very attractive. Point is, im excited about bill clintons potential first husbandom. And if i were hillary, id come up with many more traditions for him to be in charge of. Really, anything to keep him busy. 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Daughter can we go shopping now . Craso come dive into disheser like the new alaska bairdi crab dinner with sweet crab from the icy waters of alaska. Or try crab lovers dream with tender snow and king crab legs. Love crab . Then hurry, crabfest ends soon. Stephen hey hey hey ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight hat hi had his face ripped off his skull in game of thrones. He now he stars in narcos. speaking spanish pedro pascal band playing cheers and applause stephen did you mind me describing you as someone who had his face ripped off his skull . Its one of the most gruesome deaths. It wasnt ripped off. It was crushed well, my teeth were knocked out, my eyes were gouged in, and then it was crushed. Stephen like a rotten melon. Like a rotten melon, like gallaghers melons, the big fruit. Stephen not as funny. It was funny when we were doing it laughter stephen how did that feel . Did you enjoy having the most gruesome death in the history of game of thrones . Which is s its saying a lot. Stephen yeah. I loved it. Its an honor. cheers and applause im a huge fan o of the night of. Stephen have you seen the last episode . I was on a plane. I love it so much. I sort of watch it on my terms. I wasnt about to catch it midway in my hotel room so i hadnt seen it . Neither have i. So lets move on. Stephen stay away from backstage. I didnt even notice he was british when i met him. Stephen i had no idea till he started talking to me. Yeah. It was so exciting. And then you said he was english and i thought, oh stephen youre not going to drop an accent on me, are you . I was stephen there is someone from every country in the show every night. Legally, its for the international market. cheers and applause now, in narcos, the character is javier pena, based on a real d. E. A. Agent. Just recently retired, january 2014. What year is it now . Stephen 2016. All right, so a long career. Stephen and did you get to meet this guy, the guy youre playing . I did. I met him, spent time with him. We went to quantity co, and i trained for a week with the other actor Boyd Holbrook and steve murphy, who he plays, and it was weird because, like i said, im from chile, and im a child of socialist political refugees, we are very, very liberal, and i cant seem to shake the feeling amongst the d. E. A. Because, i mean, i dont want to accuse them of being conservative laughter but laughter stephen let me ask you this is there anything else in the past in your past you might want to hide from the d. E. A. . Everything i dont regret doing, which is sort of stephen you were with him the whole time, did it feel like you were in traffic and a cop was behind you the whole time. Like im going to get caught for my thoughts. You know what i mean . Every drug they talk about, i can only think about doing it. Not that i have, but its that opposing, contrary stephen these people are trying to catch Pablo Escobar. For people who are not children of the 80s, can you explain what a huge figure Pablo Escobar was . He was the king of the cocaine industry. Scarface. Stephen hes the bill gates of cocaine. He was worth about 30 billion. Thats correct, and he was on Forbes Magazine and one of the richest men in the world. Stephen he spent 2,500 a month on rubber bands to wrap his cash. True story. You know more than i do. Im just thinking about the drugs im not supposed to be doing while im playing the character. laughter applause stephen you met this guy. You saw what these guys were doing. This guy is infiltrating the cartel. Do you think you could have done that as an actor . No. Stephen no . Well. laughter we did tactical simulations. Stephen what does that mean . Where we kind of have to perform a so fario, given a a scenario. I had to buy drugs f quantity co. A quake culdesac you drive up. You have a description of what youre supposed to do or ask, and the assignment is just knock on the door, you met this guy before, bought drugs off him one time before and youre just going to buy the drugs and go. Youre not going to catch him, just finish the assignment. So i go, and i knock on the door, and the guy invites me inside the house middle east and i am invites nee immediately and i am terrified. I know these d. E. A. Agents are having fun with the stupid actors who are trying to be cool at quantico. He says, come inside. Im, like, i dont think i should. He says, whats wrong . I said, nothing. He said, youre being different. I said, so are you. He said, you were so chill last night. No, you were chill last time. We went at this a long finally, he was so frustrated because he had to sell me the drugs. So i bought the drugs and i left. So they took me through what was going to happen to me if i went in the house. They were going to take me inside and a third guy was going to come and i was going to get shot in the head with, like, real blanks. Yeah, yeah, so it was sort of an actors survival instinct, like avoiding humiliation and terror that made me a good d. E. A. Agent, i guess. Stephen wow. Yeah. laughter stephen i dont care if its just blanks, that would suck. Yeah, that would really suck. They did it to Boyd Holbrook, the guy who plays steve murphy. Stephen and . Well, when he came to give me the car that i had to get into to drive to the same location, he was pale as a ghost, he was lighting a cigarette and he was like this laughter and i was just, like, this is terrible stephen that happened so you had a hint. Exactly, but i didnt know what. I was, like, im not going in that house. Stephen well, thank you so much for being here. Delightful to meet you. Good to meet you as well. Stephen season 2 of narcos is available on netflix on september 2. Pedro pascal, everybody well be right back with a performance by angel olsen. band playing cheers and applause but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . Its suede. I love suede. State farm knows that every one those moments, theres one of these. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. cheers and applause when youve been making delicious natural cheese for over 100 years like kraft has, you learn a lot about how people cook. 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Stella artois be legacy z2392z zi0z y2392y yi0y y23cwy yi0y stephen here performing shut up kiss me, ladies and gentlemen, angel olsen cheers and applause i aint hanging up this time i aint giving up tonight even if you walk around as though you think youre right at your worst you still believe its worth a fight i could make it all go away tell me what you think and dont delay we could still be having some sweet memories this heart still beats for you why cant you see . Shut up kiss me hold me tight shut up kiss me hold me tight stop your crying its alright shut up kiss me hold me tight stop pretending im not there when its clear im not going anywhere if im out of sight then take another look around im still out there hoping to be found shut up kiss me hold me tight shut up kiss me hold me tight stop your crying its alright shut up kiss me hold me tight shut up kiss me hold me tight i could make it all disappear you could feed me all of your fears we could end all this pain right here we could rewind all of those tears i could take it down to the floor you dont have to feel it anymore a love so real that it cant be ignored its all over baby but im still yours im still yours shut up kiss me hold me tight shut up kiss me hold me tight stop your crying its alright shut up kiss me hold me tight shut up kiss me hold me tight cheend Stephen Angel olsens album my woman comes out on this saturday well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show everybody. Please tune in tomorrow when my guests will be john krasinski, adam brody, and musical guest st. Paul and the broken bones. Now sticou corden and his guests, heidi klum and josh groban. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready to have some fun . Rock n roll tonight. Its going to be all right. The late, late show. Ladies and ge