A real toetapper. In addition, all future Broadway Productions of aladdin will now be known as fiddler on the flying carpet. Finally, we are no longer going to use arabic numerals or algebra, or math of any kind, which is pretty obvious if youd read our tax plan. laughter stephen you thank you very much hey, whats going on, lewis hey, everybody please have a seat. Sit, sit, sit welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, stephen colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, this morning, if you havent seen, Time Magazine has announced their ca david perdue in a momet that inspired a lot of people. It was not blake shelton. No, the person of the year is the Metoo Movement. I agree, i agree. Which means everyone who still subscribes to magazines just learned what a hashtag is. laughter great choice, i think. Really a great choice. Though a movement where Sexual Assault survivors are actually believed shouldnt be on the cover of time. Itul cheers and applause at announcement do you subscribe . Do you subscribe . I dont. The announcement was made on this mornings today show. They do it every year. It always exciting for them. Really a shame matt lauer couldnt be there. I said shame i said shame now it will be a long monologue. Last years winner was donald trump, and this year, he came in behind the Metoo Movement at number two. But thats fine with trump. Hes got a long history of creeping behind women. Trumps got to be annoyed, because a few days ago, he tweeted, Time Magazine called to say that i was probably going to be named man person of the year, like last year, but i would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway yes, i said probably is no good. I also passed on sexiest man alive, best in show, and the j. D. Power award for best midsize sedan. thanks anyway. Enjoy sad applause and it really it really had to be the Metoo Movement, because it seems like every day a new man is being accused of sexual misconduct. But not today. Today its the same man minnesota senator and former minnesota senator, al franken. Franken i know, i know but franken has been accused by multiple women of sexual misconduct, and today, a former congressional aide said that franken tried to forcibly kiss her after a taping of his radio show. She ducked frankens lips and that, as she was leaving the room, franken told her its my right as an entertainer. No, it isnt. Im an entertainer. And i happen to always carry a copy of the bill of rights for entertainers. Lets see what we have here. Check this out here. applause there are some rights. There are some rights we entertainers enjoy. I have the right to ride the rides at disney ahead of children. I skip security at the airport through one of those unmarked doors, you people cant see. And unlimited free stuff from apple. I have a bowl of Wireless Headphones on my kitchen counter. People think theyre mints. Its a choking hazard. Now, franken says, this allegation is categorically not true. But this accusation appears to be the straw that groped the camels back. Now, eight democratic senators. Were up to, i think, nine or 10. 20. At least 30. Stephen do i hear 29 . 30 31 . 31 . 31 sold to make room for the gentleman from alabama. applause huminahumina. The idea is so popular among democrats that al franken is quoted as saying i strongly believe al franken should resign. Oh, wait no, thats me speaking of sexual harassers who should resign tomorrow, donald trump. cheers and applause today, today, trump made a big announcement about the middle east. Stephen yes, he recognized it in a speech, but im still pretty sure he couldnt recognize it on a map. laughter cheers and applause which one is it . Is it the little one . Now, this declaration could inflame the entire region. Jerusalem is a holy city to three world religions, and both palestinians and israelis claim it as their capital. Every inch is disputed. They even had to draw a line down the middle of the sixpiece mcnuggets at the jerusalem mcdonalds. Theyre still fighting over the gaza chicken strip. God ordained honey mustard. Barbecue sauce is a shonda. Part of the conflict is over who controls the sacred sites for both religions at the temple mount, which, like trump, has a golden dome and sparks holy wars. But trump explained why he did it. Stephen why start now . And he managed he managed to get every word in the speech right, except the last one. God bless you. God bless israel. God bless the palestinians, and god bless the united stshh. laughter stephen i am really looking forward to this january 30. Were live when trum addresses a joint session of congress for the shtshh of the union. My fellow americans the stssh of our union is clear. Huminnahuminnahuminna get off cheers and applause freph freph. The capper its capper of cappers, trump then signed the order that will further divide muslims and jews surrounded by christmas trees. Peace talks roasting on an open fire because the move was opposed by france, the u. K. , germany, russia, china, saudi arabia, turkey, syria, and the pope i never thought id say this but donald trump is really bringing the world together laughter and in response, palestinians have declared three days of rage. After that, theyll go back to their normal weeks of seething. But despite the criticism, trump said he was still committed to the mideast peace process. Facilitate a Second Coming of christ. So is this truly . Will recognizing jerusalem as the capital of israel hasten the return of jesus . Not if i have anything to say about it. Stephen god its the lord, everyone give it up hey, everybody, whats up . Happy holidays stephen really . Happy holidays . Yeah, you got to keep it vague. You never know who youre talking to. Could be buddhists out there. What am i supposed to say, merry nothingness . laughter whole united shsst. Stephen god, everybody weve got a great show for you tonight. Ed helms is here. But when we return, ill tell you about the hottest holiday gifts. Dont miss it. Its very good. Weekend deals are back at target this weekend hundreds of deals up to 30 off with cartwheel in the target app. Save big with weekend deals every weekend. I remember the warmth and the wonder. Twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. And now, my chance to relive it all. Magic. Glade limited edition fragrances. Can your phone get loud . Hello moto. Why stay trapped in your ear buds when you can turn it up with alexa . Alexa, blast my music. alexa playing your music. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Smart speaker with amazon alexa available now on the moto z2. And take an extra 25 off this weekend at kohls. 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Its also handy if youve got a piece of popcorn stuck in there. laughter applause you know, its the holiday time, its the holiday time, a lot of people are home from school, and i certainly hope youre watching this with your grandparents right. Hi,nana. The holidays are always stressful, so goop recommends the residential float tank. Get the benefits of flotation therapy in the privacy of your home for a mere 16,500. Cool you can pretend youre waking from hypersleep in an alternate future where it isnt stupid to drop 16 grand on a coffin filled with water. If your loved one enjoys the float tank but feels there isnt enough chance of drowning using it, goop recommends the personal yellow submarine, which allows one to experience a dimension usually reserved for explorers and marine scientists you know, people who have been taught how to operate a submarine. Well, fans of this show know that i, too, have my own highend lifestyle brand covetton house. Baroque simplicity. Shabby elegance. 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Plus, if you push it off a dock, it becomes a personal submarine. laughter finally, since goop has cornered the vaginal egg market, we offer the covetton premium sensual is butt stick. Yes. laughter individually selected by my landscaper, the butt stick connects your ninth chakra the butt with this stick. laughter it naturally increases Sexual Energy through its patented spirit splinters. There are no instructions with the butt stick, because working with a butt stick is nothing more than putting a stick in your butt. If you need floss, youre doing it wrong. laughter but if you do get into trouble, you can always call allen. Well be right back with ed helms. cheers and applause twos. Like tmobile and netflix. Right now when you get an unlimited family plan, netflix is included. Ho ho ho tmobile covers your netflix subscription. Best Christmas Gift ever . So you can binge watch all year long. Now youre thinking christmas and now when you buy any of this seasons hot new Samsung Galaxy phones, you get a second one free to gift. Thats one samsung for you. And one to give. Tmobile. Holiday twogether. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . Lackluster lips . Dont think so. Lips lose natural color over time. Chapstick total hydration moisture tint. Our 100 natural moisturizing formulas enhance your natural lip color. Chapstick. Put your lips first. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back to the show. Im so excited because you know my first guest from the hangover movies and the daily show. He now stars with owen wilson in father figures. Please welcome my friend, ed helms applause please welcome ed helms cheers and applause of atlanta. Hot lant, ga, i grew up right in the middle of it. It. Stephen on peach tree street. Almost. Stephen at the varsity. I was born in a fry in a french fry vat at the varsity. Stephen wow, right in the basket, right there. Right there. Stephen and they salted and you gave you back to your mom. Im a southernfried baby. Stephen so weve got the office weve got hangover. But the thing people recognize you for, im sure, they stop you and say, wait a second. Ed helms, youre the voice of captain underpants. Yes. Stephen okay. cheers and applause that is but hold on stephen that really captured you there. That looks like a southernfried baby right there. Stephen it does. Thats not what i get recognized for so much. Stephen really . I dont think i look does it. Stephen ive seen you in your underwear. Thats true is there Democratic Convention . You know whats funny, my friends who have kids stephen their kids dressed up like captain underpants, which is so adorable. But, also, my phone is filling up with pictures of children in their underpants and im not comfortable with that. Stephen no, no. No. So, please, stop sending me these pictures. Stephen exactly. You cant exactly say to the policeman, no, but i am captain underpants. Yeah. Stephen and im admiral handcuffs. Get in the car. You want to send a message, dont send you the photos. No more, thank you. Stephen as i said, we have known each other a long time, get along great, helmscolbert. We had a little we had a little disagreement you and i at can the the daily show. It has to do with this . Yeah, okay. Lets get into this. Lets solve it. Stephen do you want to explain it, or do you . Ill take a stab at it. Our officees were adj occupancy, and they didnt have any indicator if someone was in there or not. Stephen they had a lock. They had a lock, but no sort of vacancy sign. What do you do when you go up to the door. Stephen you knock. No. Stephen you knock that is so wrong. Stephen to see if someone is in there stephen, you check the handle. If its locked, you walk away. Why would you knock . Because then the person has to answer while while poo is coming out of them. Stephen we dont know. We dont know if thats what it is. It could stephen i never did at the daily show. I went to a restaurant. Heres the deal. Heres why you dont do that. Tell me. Stephen because when the jiggle happens back me up. When the jiggle happens, you could go, oh, wait, did i lock the door . Diremember . Is the door lock working . Did you put it all the way shut . Knock doesnt sound anything like the door opening. This sound like door open, and you panic, you pinch off the stream, and you cant start again. No, heres why youre wrong. Stephen guilty, guilty heres why youre wrong. Because when somebody knocks and you have to answer and you say, sorry, im in here. Then they know who you are. And then stephen they think youre kermit if you answer like that. And then you have to go in a meeting with them two minutes later stephen you and know that theyre human and you use the bathroom. But they also they they know that stephen hey, you used the bathroom. They know youre the one who probably just, yeah, left an odor or who knows what . Stephen thats your first problem. I dont leave an odor . You dont. Stephen no, no. Oh, yes you do laughter . It really was just at you. That message was at you. So out of line. Stephen there are other things for us to talk about other than bathroom humor. Again, i hopenana has joined for the evening. You have a choi on Comedy Central coming pup. Its called the fake news with. Ted nelms. Stephen what is that . Well, it is a totally fake news broadcast. Hosted by stephen youre working for cnn now. Youre work for cnn. Im working for tfn, the fake news. Thats our fake sort of network. And it looks just like cnn. It looks just like, you know, fox news, msnbc. We just made it all up. Theres no actual news in it. Stephen so literally every story is made jiewp every single story, and we throw to correspondents and its all stephen is it recognizable . Like things about, like, our president or russia or congress or any its sort of like its sort of like the onion that way. Its sort of sideways of reality, but im in character as ted, in elms stephen and not anything like ed helms. Hes a lot like ed helms, but more like wolf blitzer, maybe. Stephen oh, okay, so terrible at his job. laughter stephen what did i say . I think you say the united shtssh. Stephen you are a proctologist and you dont know who your father is. We think our father died of colon cancer, which is why i became a proctologist in his memory. But it turns out that was all a lie, and we and we just we just find that out at the beginning of the movie. Stephen okay. And whats happening in this clip . Oh, clip. We got the clip. Yeah, so, were just finding it out, actually, from our mother, played by the amazing glenn close. Stephen another jim. I spent my whole life trying to honor my fathers memory. And you have. What memory . I stare at bleep all day long because of a fictional mans colon cancer. Pete, could you pivot into Plastic Surgery or or something less butt related . I mean, youre really smart. I dont see why not. Kyle, how are you not freaking out right now okay, thats not fair you cant tell people how to freak out. I want everybody to calm the light is going quickly. Its the last chance for family photos. Not a good time, annie. Stephen now that was shot in atlanta, right . Yeah. That was shot in my home town. applause guilty g. A. Have ed helms here. Oh stephen hey, you want to go use the bathroom later . laughter . [firewor[ ]xploding] hurry in to old navy get gifting with up to 60 off the entire store. Thats up to 60 off the entire store with styles from 6 dollars, at old navy. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest starred as George Washington in the original cast of hamilton. He now stars on cbss bull. Please welcome Christopher Jackson applause a tie, Christopher Jackson . Maybe a crevat. Stephen dp you learn or get anything from George Washington, because he was a man of great propriety. He was. I learned a lot of stuff. I learned when he was 14 he wrote he copied, basically, the rules of civility. Stephen are you serious . Yeah. Stephen did you know that i had that . I was told there was stephen one of my producers gave this to me and it sits on the back of my toilet tank in my bathroom. laughter i read these are the laws that these are rules that George Washington wrote down. Shake not your had the, feet, or legs. Roll not the eyes. Lift not one eyebrow higher than the other. Bedo no mans face with your spittle by approaching him too near when you speak. This guy had a him not being the most forthright with the shaking of the hands. Stephen not he was, like, howie mandell. He just did this . Right. Stephen fist bump. George washington . Now that you have left, thats the story of the creation of our country to a certain agree, the beginnings of our country. And its full of towering political figures. In todays political environment, where do you look for, for solace, because there are not a lot of towering political figures anymore. Yeah. I watch i watch the show. Stephen you watch this show . Yeah. Stephen im not a political figure. No, but a good influence is a good influence. And then i cheers and applause yeah, right, right . And then ill watch ill watch the news, and then ill go in my basement and cry. Feel so fulfilled. I always say eye always say watching the west wing for me is like listening to my favorite album you know whats coming. You know what to expect. I have seen the series probably 20 times, every episode all the way through. Thats the antidote for me when everything is happening. Stephen did you sing in church. Di, i dcarol baftist church. One of the first shows was arch the angel. Stephen a Christmas Pageant . Yeah, but we did things a step above your normal nativity scenes. Stephen who were you . I was arch. Stephen you were the aarchangel. Ahch, not arc. I rode a skateboard in. That was my entrance. Stephen that is dope. Yeah stephen yo, gabrielle raps. A glittercovered skateboard. A bomber stephen thats nice. My first appearance on stage was in a Christmas Pageant as well, actually. I was the fourth wise man. Of course, you were. Stephen it was late. Our clocks werent working and we got there late, and there were already three kids on stage. And my tom mom said, go up there. I said, there are already three. And she said, go up there. So fourth wise man. So you did. Stephen ive been wrong since the beginning. Bull, bull is the cbs show with michael weatherly. Yes. Stephen we all and know love michael weatherly. He plays bull. You play chunk palmer, former allamerican football player, current fashionconscious stylist who fine tunes clients appearances for trial. You know, a seamless transition from George Washington. Come on come on stephen what does that mean . What does your character do . So what we do on our show, dr. Bull has this team, and were trial consultants. And so a client will come in, and theyll need help and, you know, maybe theyre theyre, on trial for a crime he didnt commit. Now we have to present him in a way that makes him look a little bit better and makes him sound a little less teenagey. Stephen is everyone on this show innocent or are you getting guilty people off . I hope theyre all innocent. Stephen you dont know. I just distress dressthem, stephen. I just dress them. Stephen does bull know . Of course, he does. Stephen so you dont know. Bull just tells you to help this person, even if he knows theyre a murderer. Oh, were not were not comfortable with moral ambiguity in our world today . Stephen i just want to know who im supposed to cheer for. applause . Is there any chance that there could be bull, the musical. In nmy down time im working on something. We have been developing something on cbs. Stephen and you and i rehearsed it. Yes. Stephen are you ready to do it now . I think see. cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen, its my honor to present the premiere of bull, the musical. In this crazy mixedup world of legal sound and fury a man will rise hes not just the judge instead, he works the jury you cant believe the courtroom tricks hell pull im proud to call him leader, friend, that amazing man named bull helps him out with grace and skill and did you know that bull is based on a young dr. Phil . Now the shows a massive hit, both national and regional cause its a fun new twist on the ared ar classic legal procel hes a lawyer named bull wait, lets be clear hes not a lawyer, technically hes still named bull but hell get you off both legally and sexually applause hes the worlds most exultant jury consultant its just a shame he doesnt have a first name stephen oh, okay. Jason bull will make you confess tuesdays at 9 00 or watch it online only cbs cheers and applause wthis weekend hundreds of deals up to 30 off with cartwheel in the target app. Save big with weekend deals every weekend. Only at target and take an extra 25 off s weekend at kohls. Give joy with the pj masks headquarters a star wars playset or a kidfriendly digital camera and for a limited time only yes2you members earn Double Points give joy get joy this weekend at kohls. But having his parents over was enlightening. You dont like my lasagna . No, its good. Hmm. Oh. Huh. [ both laugh ] here, blow. Blow on it. You see it, right . Is there a draft in here . Im telling you, its so easy to get Home Insurance on progressive. Com. Progressive cant save you from becoming your parents. When you bundle home and auto. That cough doesnt sound so good. Take mucinex dm. Ill text you in 4 hours when your cough returns. One pill lasts 12 hours, so. Looks like im good all night why take 4hour cough medicine . Just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. Lets end this. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. Yeah, we talk yeah, we talk about getting older but theres so much we havent done yet some things, im not here i dont get dressed and i cursed my bedroom but i left it all alone cause all this time im runawaun and everyone is changing and the storefronts rearranging i picked up a quarter and i just saw my face but its all coming back now like the feeling isnt over hey, i know i was lost but i miss those days i said lalalalalalalost but i miss those days well im talking lalalalalalalost but i miss those days those days when id sit on my sisters rooftop watching our city burn into the night im not sure that we were meant to survive i was sixteen in a van driving myself to florida part of me never before a dream well everyone is changing and the storefronts carry weight now and im sorry that you saw me when i lost my way but its all coming back, yeah like the feeling isnt over hey, i know i was lost but i miss those days i said lalalalalalalost but i miss those days well im talking lalalalalalalost but i miss those days it feels like everyone is changing and the storefronts rearranging i picked up a quarter and i just saw my face but ial but i miss those days i know i was lost but i miss those, come on hey, i know i was lost but i miss those days i said lalalalalalalost but i miss those days well im talking lalalalalalalost but i miss those days i said lalalalalalalost but i miss those days well im talking lalalalalalalost but i miss those days lalalalalalalost but i miss those days lalalalalalalost but i m cheers and applause music i was diagnosed with hiv in 2016, but i didnt want my life to just. Stop. I wondered if starting treatment would put my life on hold. My doctor and i chose triumeq, it seemed like the right fit for me. Triumeq is one pill a day. Any time of day. With or without food. Now, im moving forward with triumeq. Triumeq treats hiv1 in adults, and does not cure hiv or aids. Dont take triumeq by itself if youre resistant to any of its ingredients. Dont take triumeq at all if youre allergic to any of its ingredients, or have a certain gene variation. Serious or fatal allergic other abacavir containing medicines. Symptoms may include fever, rash, nausea, and vomiting. For a full list, see the warning card that comes with your medicine. If you have an allergic reaction, dont take triumeq. Or the medicines in it again. Dont take triumeq if you take dofetilide or have liver problems. Serious side effects include lactic acid buildup, heart attack, or liver problems. If youre female, obese, or take nucleoside analogues, you may be at greater risk. If you have hepatitis b or c, it may get worse. Tell your doctor if you have liver, kidney, or heart problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, or hepatitis b or c, if you smoke, drink alcohol or if you are, or planning to be, pregnant or breastfeeding. Some medicines may interact with triumeq, so tell your doctor about any medicines or supplements you take. The most common side effects include trouble sleeping, headache, and tiredness. Im moving forward. With triumeq. To learn more, get this free kit at positivestepskit. Com. And ask your doctor if triumeq is right for you. Late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sarah paulson, and john hodgman. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, kristen wiig and seth macfarlane. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way