Ahannam News Today

News Editor Kate Denning takes a look back on Technician’s satire tradition, The Daily Tar Hell.

DAYTON, OH—Inadvertently breaching the boundary to the underworld because he didn’t want to shell out hard-earned money, local dad Curtis Morgan reportedly opened up the gates of hell Wednesday while attempting to fix the kitchen sink himself. “Goddammit, don’t worry, I’ll take care of all this goat’s blood—I must’ve…

FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which alumni are in hell now. “Every monthly bulletin does a couple features on…

Bernie Madoff Assigned To Cushy Circle Of Hell For White-Collar Sinners FIRST CIRCLE, HELL—Able to partake in many of the freedoms afforded to those who still walk the Earth, the soul of disgraced financier and convicted scam artist Bernie Madoff was assigned to a cushy circle of Hell reserved for white-collar sinners, sources from the afterlife confirmed Thursday. “It barely even counts as Hell, if you ask me,” said the eternally damned Robert Kalas, a heretic trapped in a flaming tomb, ...