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“Some people say ketamine makes them feel like a marshmallow.” That’s how the ketamine clinic’s therapist explained it to me through my computer screen during our initial meeting. I’d already asked several people what ketamine would feel like, and each time I got a slightly different answer. But the overall consensus was that I’d feel floaty, that I might see things, and that I might feel relaxed or unnerved. My greatest fear was having a panic attack during the experience. “We can always give you something for that,” the therapist assured me. My recent path to ketamine treatment was at least 20 years in the making. I could no longer remember what it felt like not to be depressed, and not reflexively jump to the worst possible outcome of any scenario. I could not remember what it felt like to want to exist. The isolation and tragedy of the pandemic saying goodbye to my unconscious grandmother over a screen, living through my own Covid-19 infection after taking eve

Republic ofChadi abdallahRobert mcclureLisa monteggiaCarlene macmillanMichael pollanAndrew solomonYale universityVanderbilt brain instituteDrug administrationColumbia university medical centerUniversity of north carolina school medicineVanderbilt universityBaylor college of medicineNational suicide prevention lifelineNorth carolina school